₦airaland Forum

breadtoaster:
➜Does it mean that because I said yes to this relationship, I have to live this way? No. I thought you were a spiritual brother — that we’d do well in prayers and everything. But you can’t even pray with me because, according to you, I don’t wake up very early enough. I would say but haba, cant we can pray at other times, like in the evening after work, after all we find time to eat then, but he wont, he would be busy praying alone. So is that enrgy towards building? So is it a case of wanting to be right over wanting to build. Even in the spirituality, I did not get the benefit. I don’t get it. Maybe he’s used to doing things alone, and that’s why he finds it hard to even pray with me.
➜ Sometimes i feel once his paper is out, he would find an excuse and leave....
➜ if he doesnt trust me and tells me he only trusts me 60%, why should I trust hm too
➜ And even sex — like I said before — It was twice i two months, the first sex and one after d next month, then the need to sleep with me with condm, which was when I called the brother and his brother gave him some tips on what he should do or could do better, only then, it seemed like there was a little more energy in him wanting to research and improve things. As it is we dont even know how to allign the prick to enter from the back talkless of changing style. I dont even feel anything during penetrative sex, maybe its common to women though, I dont know. Even for himto reesearch how to enter from that back, If i havent found video and put in his front, its not intuitvie for him to try and research. Usually, a woman would say, “At least he knows how to Bleep even if he no send me in ay area,” you get? But there is nothing for me to hold onto, and it is very painful for me.
➜But now, it’s been like another three weeks since we last had sex, and I feel it’s having an impact again. The environment is tense. And if I’m not the one to notice that maybe it’s because we haven’t had sex that things are this way, he’ll never realize it. He just won’t.
So I don’t know. How do people handle relationships where you have to be the brain as a woman and still be respectful, still hold things together? I know people have done it, but it feels hard. Really hard. And I didn’t bargain for this. Maybe I saw the signs, but I didn’t think it would get this deep. I just thought, oh, he’s quiet.

1. Life is really about the choices we make after we have made mistakes.

2. Something tells me that you may be right, too. 🥱🥱

3. Trust is earned and not doled out. If a person is not busy earning your trust, it means that person does not care for it, and you are not obligated in any way to give it.

4. Eeeeekkkkkkk... what did I just read! This is 2025, this sheeet is nowhere near real. Even medical texts give you a vague idea of how sex should be done. 😫😫😫😫😫

5. No, you are not the brains! You are merely the lone breadwinner and the burden bearer in your marriage — a single married one. By the way, this is a choice you made and can unmake for yourself when you are done playing house.

bigboss25:
➜ 1980 is not long time ago, and he's brutally right between.

Records of such things go as far back as 1980 and prove him wrong, approximately 45 years ago. Most of you today were not even born then. But you would pretend records should not matter because you would rather pretend those should not count since your fantastical view tells you a magical time existed before then, abi?

Zackattack:
➜ OP do not listen to people like this, that take the time to arrange your problems in bullets.
I can tell this person is female, above 30 and unmarried. The last thing you want to do is take her advice.
➜ Your husband is just an introvert and lacks interest in social interactions. He’s probably been like that his whole life. As long as he’s not beating you or constantly insulting you, learn to talk with him.
➜ Every marriage has problems and challenges. Learn to pursue your own goals without your husband getting in the way. There are smart ways to do it.
➜ Power through it, and when you get to the end, believe me, you’ll be glad you did.

Bullets are good for highlighting issues that are of importance in any write-up. I guess you skipped writing class.

2. OP's husband lacks interest in social interactions, including interactions with his own wife and her emotional well-being. And you say that has to do with his being an introvert. 🥱🥱🥱

I am an introvert. I have not been outside the house for the last 2 weeks or so. Cold seasons are already upon us, and unless I have something to do outside, I totally avoid going out. Yet, I interact daily with members of my household, other family members, and also folks online. I am nothing like OP's husband

3. What OP highlighted are not marriage problems; they are rather problems that point to the non-existence of a romantic relationship with the person she is married to. Even if OP is imagining all of these issues, the fact that they burden her is evidence enough that she is not with an individual who is interested in a relationship with her. 🥱🥱🥱

4. Power through it, ke? You mean like your mothers and grandmothers, most of whom ended up wasting their lives serving the whims of husbands who abused them until the end, with them having nothing to show for it except traumatized children and horror stories to tell?

appliedscience:
✓ Women Sha... So quick to spot a supposed red flag.... Whc to me isn't a red flag... While leaving the real red flag out...
It is a known fact in life that most times when you chance status, your circle of friends changes.... She is now married but naturaly hanging without singles should naturally stop...
✓ The real red flag is this.... She dated him... She must have noticed his disposition to life... She went ahead to marry him..sje didn't see one of those her highly motivated friends to marry ooo.... She now want to force the guy to change over night..
By the way...... Her own motivated approach to life.. What has she achieved so far... Motion is not movement!!!

Wrong! That isn't a fact but a choice individuals make depending on the state of their self esteem. There are many people out there who have kept the same set of friends since their kindergarten days and there are those whose minds cannot stand them mingling with the same set of individuals as those they met in college for reasons best known to them. There choices have nothing to do with events in life but their mental and emotional maturity levels.

2. Dating someone isn't a red flag and people date for different reasons. However, changing yourself to please someone you claim to date is a very dangerous kind of red flag.

Smithwilliams826:
You heard from one part, have you heard from the man?

Good question! Here's is my simple answer for you! 🥱🥱🥱

The same way I would not consider the opinion of your mother, father, siblings or even children, if you told me you were struggling with mental illness, is the same way I wouldn't bother asking a husband for his input if his wife were to identify as having mental illness-related symptoms. 🤔🤔

Marriage is not by force. If someone tells you they are losing themselves in it, you need to tell them that they are valid to feel as they do and also remind them that marriage is a voluntary burden -- one can easily take those chains off when one wishes.

Story, Story!! Story!!! Clearly, this is an attempt at insulting our intelligence. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Appletek:
➜That's not Nigerian Police, it's Ghanaian police.

No be the same thing dem dey do for there?

CaptainJune:
✓ You are unnecessarily picking holes in my statements, seeing black where I painted white.
Your generalizations of the church and its teachings far from reality.

Generalizations that can be traced back to pretty much every sermon from your Church pulpits directed at ensuring women folk submit like slaves to the manhood of men? Na una way! 🥱🥱🥱

Chilipepper:
Family Of Police Officers & their Ranks
Beautiful ❤️

A family of some of those holding Nigerians hostage to criminal politicians..oh wow...🥱🥱🥱

oridavid:
Kindly reach what I wrote again. It appears you didn't understand it properly.

I did hence the questions I had there for you of what you wrote.

elobrave17:
➜Don't generalize because not everything of that nature is about scam. People are different and a young man can love an elderly woman without expectations.

Again, I think my disclaimer already more than addresses your concern🥱🥱🥱

CaptainJune:
➜She is not the only one who has misinterpreted a quality, religion-related or otherwise.
➜ it is erroneous to claim the church institution is responsible for the perception she used as a yardstick to judge his character.
➜ She admitted she misjudged him. Many use the same yardstick with different results as there are different finger prints in the world.
➜ You may wish to engage in a back and forth on this but I am being logical and practical based on what she has shared.
➜ I also think she should stop cutting off her friends just to please him. Her marriage makes the four walls of her home feel like prison. She should protect her mental health and find something to take her away from the home.

1. She is not the only one; therefore, she should not be expected to want to distance herself from that which has harmed her in the past?

2. It is erroneous, though her reasons for wanting this man tie back to literally every message preached to women from your religious pulpits, like every week?

3. Her admission is also a condemnation of the teaching she received from the pulpits, which insist that a spiritual man has all that a woman should need.

4. It is illogical to send her back into the same den from which the lies that led her down this road, the same lies that insist she should remain in this marriage, come from.

5. Oh, so you insist on religion even though you are clearly against her submitting to the man— a teaching from your many pulpits on women alone — who makes her marriage a prison? Interesting!

CaptainJune:
➜I am not one to suggest divorce as a solution. The issues bothering her do not have a quick fix, sadly. She is already in the mess. My suggestion aims to help her find something to get her attention from some of the issues. Clearly, she is mismatched with her husband. He comes across to me as someone who is not a tad bothered about how she feels - a tell-tale sign of someone who is not in the marriage for love. He may just be biding his time to release the bombshell on her, and in her heart of hearts she expects it but won't admit it. The best I can offer as opinion is she finds a church and join the activities there. It should serve not only as her escape route from the stifling silence of her home but also as a place that she can fall back on when she needs it. The husband may restrict her movements to social gatherings like parties, but he cannot keep her from going to the church. If you have a better idea please feel free.

I understand from your post that what you are attempting is not to provide her a solution but to offer her a distraction of sorts from her issues. So, I am not going to probe you any further on this.

I just know it is completely irrational to send a woman who has been previously deceived by spiritual delusions into the same den from which she acquired her spiritual delusions that got her where she is today. If anything, she should be running away from the churches and anything related, at least until she has realized the damage all of that has caused her. We are in 2025 and fielding questions from a woman married to a spiritual man who is worse to her than a literal FWB.

Ibtxxo:
Please I have tried but nothing Is working. This started when I was 15 years now I am over 40s. This is the bad attitude I got from my dad. I am afeaid of going out for fear of being mocked .
Instead I sleep and stay indoors everyday. I have lost real sense of living. I still stay with my parents. My only source of living is betting. I am a graduate and I struggled to graduate due to my low self esteeem

. What you describe is holding you back from living the life you want is mental illness and not a bad attitude. You can immediately seek professional mental health treatment.

Another way to begin battling it yourself is by changing a couple of things about the way you live. Go out every morning/afternoon, or evening to exercise— walk a couple of miles each day for a period of 30 or more minutes, or do some cardio exercises outside of your house. It all needs to be done outdoors, maybe in the field of a school or park somewhere. If you are too shy, you can wear a face mask until you get comfortable with running without needing to cover your face for shame. Also, while you exercise, it would be nice either to listen to music or maybe do some deep thinking to help distract and train your mind away from those intrusive thoughts that plague you most of the time.

Another thing you should do is to change up your eating habits. You should start eating diets that are high in vegetables(fruits too) and protein. Over-the-counter health supplements can be of help, but I believe vegetables and fruits obtained from your local market will do even better job. (Even better if you plant your own garden of vegetables and fruits to help supplement your daily needs.)

The average adult should consume at least 60g of protein in their diet daily. Those proteins help their brains produce the hormones that help maintain the self-esteem-building systems in the brain. Proteins also help in building skin and muscle tissue, which improves one's overall looks. Reduce your overall daily carbohydrate intake — replace with proteins and vegetables —to avoid weight gain.

By changing up your feeding habits each day, you can significantly change the way your brain begins to handle those intrusive thoughts and help you fight against the depression, as well as the lack of motivation that goes with it.

** When you eventually get brave enough, you can also begin going head-to-head against those intrusive thoughts, questioning the validity and reason behind them as a way of completely uprooting them from your mind and psyche.

DyshApp:
➜In a viral video circulating online, a woman identified as Grace Ofure, during a podcast with Daddy Freeze, made a shocking revelation about ladies who are constantly being chased by men.
She said, “Women, if you’re going out everyday and they are toasting you, sit down at home and say ‘what am I doing wrong?'” According to her, how a lady carries herself in public determines the kind of attention she receives from men. She further explained that when a lady has self-respect, her behaviour will reflect clear boundaries that men are likely to respect. However, she added that if a woman presents herself as always available and ready to mingle, she will attract all sorts of men. However, she added that if a woman presents herself as always available and ready to mingle, she will attract all sorts of men. Follow up with more Relationship Gist on our webpage(in signature)

Nonsense and eegridient! 🥱🥱🥱🥱

Brahamimo:
➜Guys, I would like to ask. Should A lady who is in a very serious relationship of three years, which is leading to marriage, be Posting pictures of herself and another guy on the social media(Facebook and WhatsApp status) ? ....
Immediately I saw the WhatsApp post on her status this morning, I just blocked her and went to Facebook to block her too. I blocked her calls and text message .I really need answers to my question. Thank you.

This is a you problem, not a her problem. 🥱🥱

You are clearly in a relationship with a person who is the complete opposite of what you desire to have. Why not break up with this woman — free her so she can find herself her type— and go find yourself a woman who would be properly aligned with your particular desires there?

gerizzim:
➜even this one you are mentioning. they reign supreme with a form of control. Enter ayelala or sango shrine go thief what belongs to it weda you no go collect. That is control.
➜As for your point2, that one Na you understand weda Na control be that or outright brutality. I said healthy form of control not oppression.

1. Many people did just that back in the day, and absolutely nothing happened to them. Even with all of the threats issued by the Oba back in those days, to this day, those cases remain unresolved. 🥱🥱🥱

2. What does this healthy form of control look like, since even your own kids who don't want any part in what their father modeled for them in their marriages— all they seemed to have seen was oppression and nothing else?🥱🥱🥱

gerizzim:
➜your own Na to twist narratives because you want to talk. God knows why he made man the head of the home. Headship means leadership and leadership is a responsibility dat goes with a healthy form of control , direction and giving guidance to someone.
➜If there is no control either in an office or home, things won't go smoothly. Control over your wife doesn't mean bully or beat or assault physically or mentally. A husband been in control over his wife means the man shud be assertive, be firm, be manly, coming up with the final decision or action that shud be taken in the home.

1. Which God are you accusing of this now? Amadioha? Obatala?? Orunmila? Sango? Olodumare? Which one? 🥱🥱🥱

2. Control that typically ends up making your marriages no more useless than a tug-of-war/battleground that even your own children no longer wish to have a part in? 🥱🥱🥱

breadtoaster:
➜Yet, he never applied or showed concern. He’d just casually apply once in say two weeks. And I kept wondering how he really thinks we’ll survive. So I decided I won’t cook, since he’s not taking responsibility — I’d rather focus on the priorities of finding a better job so we can take care of our needs and I wont keep living on credit, because any credit we end up taking is in my name and in my credit card so I have the loan on my end consciously or subconsciously.
➜ Oh, and I also talk to my friends on the phone. It’s not like I’m doing bad things — I just want to learn, share ideas, and stay sane. He, on the other hand, doesn’t really have friends — not here, not even back in Nigeria. Maybe some people from school, but no close friends or anyone I know. Just living alone. I used to think that was strength, but I didn’t realize that lack of social interaction could haunt me.
➜So now, he expects me to also live that way. But abroad is already lonely and depressing — how do I survive without talking to people? I need communication for my mental health.

1. Having an MTBI— you can research your MBTI online— that is so much different from that of your spouse, is not an issue or a problem. It simply means you two were not created the same — no two people on this planet are created the same, by the way. Also, humans are not created passive beings; we may feign passivity due to circumstances or situations, or mental illness, etc. But we are very much all emotional beings who act and react in some way. 🥱

If you find yourself changing who you are to suit your partner — be it in marriage or any other kind of relationship— you are already doing yourself a disservice, meaning you are not in a relationship that is of benefit to you but one designed to benefit the whims of your partner. That is not love but control. Learn to love yourself for who you are, and only accept into your life those who are willing to accept you as you are.

2. Please, do not apply for him or act on his behalf anymore. Don't fill out paperwork for him; don't apply for jobs on his behalf. Let him have to do it himself.

Also, do not have unprotected sex with him until you have fully resolved your emotions and feelings for him. If you end up having a child — baby-trapping yourself at this point since he does not seem keen on having any child with you—you might end up with more regret than you are filled with at this point. Go ask the numerous women out there who babytrapped themselves into marriages with men who don't value or appreciate them in any way.

You mentioned earlier that his spirituality is what attracted you to him, yet his spirituality now stifles you and makes you see that you barely have anything in common with the human behind the mask. Why do you wish to have a baby with that human at this point? If this supposedly spiritual being does not rate or value you, why would you think or believe he would love a child that came out of you? Please, do not throw a child into that hell that you have been unable to get your your own mind to allow. 🥱

3. Abroad is not lonely and depressing. Mental illnesses have little or nothing to do with location but with the mind and intelligence of individuals. 🥱

Everywhere you go on this planet, you are bound to find some orphans — they literally have no family or friends anywhere on this planet — who aren't lonely or depressed. Why? Probably because of their level of emotional and social intelligence. Some people are surrounded by friends and family regularly, yet are struggling with loneliness and depression. 🥱🥱

You need to dig down to find out why you are particularly lonely and depressed as an individual— usually, you need to face yourself in that situation. Much of it is typically linked to deep-seated traumas and hurts from one's past that one has avoided in an attempt to focus more on life and all that is outside. Professional counseling or therapy may be of help. 🥱🥱

Mrexcell:
✓ These old american ladies are just sex starved they don't even seem to care about the dangers that's involved one of them that recently travelled down to warri to meet her young lover was later found dead in the room of the young man obviously due to too much marathon sex

Terrible state to find oneself in. 🤔

Bluntemperor:
✓ And if she she is in True Love and many of you are casting aspersions,why Not,If Not?
Love is a Strange Bird 🐦 that is always flying and reaching out to those who love and respects it's Colours!
Americans Are Great People, irrespective being Black or White and if you are Truthful to them- their Love Is For Life!
Ko Sarugbo Ni Ghana!(No Old Women In Ghana), because we are all Under Twenties!!

I don't see what any of this gobbledegook has to do with my comment, though. 🥱🥱🥱

elobrave17:
✓ Are you saying that real love cannot exist between an elderly woman & a young man?

I think my disclaimer already more than addresses your concern.

CaptainJune:
➜She is a christian. Would you rather she went clubbing?

What has her being a Christian to do with her situation? Will her digging herself deeper into this Christian side you advise suddenly make the man begin to love her, or change the fact that she might be a potential victim of what is the Romance scam?

Or are you trying to get her to numb herself in an attempt to invalidate her concerns?

CaptainJune:
➜The issues raised by the Op feels like a Gordian knot, and it is sad the reality of her very high incompatibility with her partner is weighing significantly on her. The fact that a person may appear 'spiritual' is not a validation of compatibility.
Op, you may want to join the workers in your church. Give yourself to activities in the church. It should help to restore the sense of voice you think you have lost.

I am sorry, what? Exactly how does joining the workers in her church help her situation?

RollinTNDA:
➜are you really this jobless. Like you dey every post dey argue with everyone

See monitoring spirit calling me jobless? 🥱🥱🥱

breadtoaster:
➜For once, I think I followed spiritual preachings [b]where they say it's better to marry someone who fears God first.
➜ Spirituality is sometimes so different from compatibility especially when reality sets and it feels like you living with a room mate.

Those so-called teachings lied to you because in the real world, those who claim to love God the most are some of the most despicable human beings you would ever meet.

2. Spirituality has nothing to do with compatibility. As a matter of fact, spirituality tends to rob one of healthy emotional and social maturity, which are both necessary for fostering healthy human relationships with others. That is why people who claim to be higher spiritual are also very removed from others around them socially and emotionally.

---

On a different note, this popped up on my timeline as I was searching for a video for you, and I decided to post it anyway. Since you are outside of Nigeria, I hope you can take time to see the views of other Nigerian women out there regarding abuse in marriage and why many Nigerian women seem to condone it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxtqD1D4RHk?si=3wCqvv_BaxkUk0qG

breadtoaster:
➜Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.
So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.
➜ I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.
➜ He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time. It’s just been so much.

This other story is equally riddled with even more red flags that, at this point, I am not even certain if it is worth it to point them out anymore. What is more than obvious is that this man does not love or care for you as much as Mrs. Badge, which you have there matters to you. And this seems to have been obvious from even before he proposed to you.

He has succeeded in getting you to abandon/isolate many of your friends at this point, and it seems he has been working on isolating you from family as well. You declared there that you don't know. And all I could wonder is how much of the abuse and disregard you are willing to stomach before you realize you have had enough.

3. OK, this has to be a lie! We are 2025, not in 1825, abeg!

KnowledgePower7:
Exactly why I don't post such things here. Because of people like you

Like me? You mean asking you which of the over 4000 different deities known of out there you were referring to scares you?

Enddy50ty:
Possibly not dead and still alive and healthy. Go and check his history, he's a con man pretending to be everything

Oh boy! 😐😐

IbnB:
➜Death isn't better than poverty because you don't stay dead, you get recycled as fast as possible So you just have to keep hoping that the next life is not holding poverty that's worse than what you're already running away from

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Enddy50ty:
This guy faked everything including his own death lol 😂

He is not dead?