₦airaland Forum

oridavid:
➜ The story of Enoch is the most mysterious of all the accounts in the Bible because he was the only man who the Bible described not to see death. Was just just an old testament myth? No, it's not. The write of Hebrews also reinforced this when he said Enoch didn't see death.
➜However, this leaves us in a quandary as the writer of John also told us that no man has ascended to heaven nor has anyone seen God. So where's Enoch? He didn't see death and he didn't ascend to heaven. ...

1. The original entry on Enoch in Genesis did not state that he did not die, but rather that Enoch was taken by Elohim. As for what the writer of the book of Hebrew meant when he asserted that Enoch did not die, only he knows, since the passages he supposedly referenced in Scripture never in fact state that Enoch died, and it certainly does not suggest that Heaven was an end goal for the dead of that time.

2. But the writer of John never said anything about Enoch, or even Elijah after him, having ascended into a place called Heaven. So, why do you introduce the mention of heaven at this point?

OKOATA:
➜OP better just follow this guy's advice. It's as simple as that and again what's the point of always following everything she tells you like a child. Women love men that controls them but it's obvious your wife controls you.
➜ You are providing for the family and you are doing chores and you are shining teeth and happy to say it? It's shameful bro cos as a provider all you need is some time with your kids not belittling yourself and washing dishes because your wife's controlling you do so. Aside the fact I can say your marriage is as good as gone. Women hate crying babies, men who beg and cry especially for sex. How many years you have left in life that you will be using christian man to punish and suffer yourself. Well it's your choice OP. Whether you want to continue suffering it's all in your hands.

Women love men who control them, yet one of the major complaints by women who later divorced their husbands in the UK is that the men attempted to assert control over them even in the UK. Why many of una no dey always make sense?

2. OP, do not let these folks blackmail you into believing you are the problem simply because your description does not portray you are a man interested in manipulating and dehumanizing his wife in marriage.

Marpatsyl:
Be like you go wicked small o

Nothing wicked about letting people know that it is not OK to barge into the lives of others whenever it pleases one. And it is never OK to walk all over other people, expecting them to shift/change their lives to please one. That is disrespectful.

Boundaries are necessary in every relationship. Those who don't like your boundaries are free to move on to finding others who don't have such boundaries. Trampling on the boundaries of others amounts to disrespect.

Marpatsyl:
➜Lol, my people call me when they're already at my gate and that's for the few that are courteous enough.. Mehn! It's quite annoying and was beginning to bother me

. Don't answer the phone. Instead, respond with a text message informing them that you will not be able to see them that day.

Marpatsyl:
➜True, you're making my mind strong. Henceforth, I promise to be strict with my boundaries, so help me God

. Don't make yourself a pushover to be taken advantage of by the many manipulators and users out there. Pretending to be nice to everyone never pays off. Be nice to yourself first, then you will know how and when to be nice to others.

Orlandoo:
No, I ask and at times I peep to know who's knocking. Often times than not, people come to alert you on the danger that is lucking around. If you don't open the door then how would you know their intention?

I have windows, a phone, and I can watch the news. I don't just open my doors to any stranger who shows up.

Orlandoo:
This is Nigeria. No one is expected to do that because you don't know who might be knocking on the door and his or her intentions.

You don't know who is knocking? Do you open the door every time you hear a knock, then? 😫

Marpatsyl:
Hmmm.. Maybe I'll start telling them I'm not around

. Why? They are the ones who are in the wrong, so why do you have to inconvenience yourself on their behalf? Consider this! If you were to go over to their place, do you realize that the chances are high that you would not be able to get with doing the same things there that they do to you in yours? You are literally letting them walk all over you, yet you keep thinking you are the one who needs to bend over even more for them. Why?

You need to start realizing the importance of having boundaries in every relationship. Grow some balls and start loving yourself more. Be strict with your boundaries. You don't want them over, then let them know what you want.

Research the importance of boundaries in relationships(every kind of human relationship).

Vijuchoco:
➜I'm facing something similar. What I do is hang around my area or find someplace to go after work and around two hours after close of work, I go to my apartment and the stubborn ones that still come, I tell them to leave once it's getting late. I let them know I prefer to sleep alone.
➜ One of my colleagues that I even like so much begged to stay with me for some time while she sorts herself, I refused o and even apologized to her for refusing. My peace of mind surpasses anything else..

Arrghh! You inconvenience yourself because of some grown-arsed individuals who lack self-awareness and literally have no respect for you? Stop telling them anything... just enter your apartment and lock the door. Don't open it for anyone who does not need to be there. Eventually, they will get the message or you call the police on them.

2. Say, "No!" if you do not want her to stay with you.

Marc3500:
leave the muntula him think say life nah Nollywood movie

This na the mentality of the typical Nigerian out there. 😂😂😂😂

Marpatsyl:
➜ Before then, I wanted to have a roommate but all those that showed interest said it was too expensive. I paid for the apartment and started buying things gradually. Now the apartment is set, my colleagues wouldn't allow me have peace, they stylishly take turns to come and pass night and even prepare food to eat and take to work
How do I stop them politely because I was actually beginning to enjoy my privacy

? Stop opening the door for them. Simple! Abi, your apartment no get lock and key? No be you dey open door for them to come in?

ebubeson:
➜You can do other normal things for the church like sharing of handbills, joining in any general church sanitation for members e.t.c... To be having regular fornication and still rushing to church as a dedicated worker is self-deceit.
➜ You can be a normal member and if you have repented and God has helped you on the issue of immorality, you can become a dedicated church worker.
➜ A dedication church worker may fall into fornication if not watchful. But fornication shouldn't be a regular thing for a dedicated church worker. If a dedicated church worker falls into fornication, the person can repent and seek counsel from trusted Christians. But doing fornication regularly as a dedicated church worker is bad.

1. Self-deceit? Even your pastors do that much. So, why should anyone do otherwise?

2. Dedicated, and is there a salary to be earned by that?

3. So, Pastors who commit just as much and still manage to continue collecting salary, aren't dedicated church workers?

Jman06:
➜No need going back and forth with you because I already know you on this forum as someone who never gives up on argument and never accepts correction.
But the truth remains the truth! Marriages were never intended to be ephemeral but a lifelong commitment. Divorce rate today is way higher because women of this generation don't know what they want and many of them can't sustain a lifelong relationship like marriage. This underscores the general loss of values and morals common with youths of this generation!

Keep holding on to what are obvious delusions... and let us know how it works out for you in the end. 🥱🥱🥱

Jman06:
➜Marriage was never designed to be ephemeral.
➜ It's the woke generation with your kind of mindset that thinks marriage is about jumping in today and out tomorrow.
➜ You lie when you say that divorce rate was as high for my ancestors as it is today. That's totally untrue!
➜ Marriages lasted then because women knew their place and roles in marriage and played it very well. But 21st century women are totally confused about what they want in marriage and that's why they want to jump in and out of marriage.

1. It was never designed to be what it has almost always been. That makes no sense!

2. Stop with this nonsense! Since before even the time of your ancestors, divorce/abandonment has been commonplace. Almost 50 % of marriages tended towards just that in the end. So, why are you hell bent on putting this on the recent generation?

3. As far back as the 1980s, the official divorce rate in much of Northern Nigeria was over 50% — 80% in parts of Plateau state. However, given that shame and humiliation were mostly attached to divorce in the Southern states, most of the divorces were via abandonment (unofficial routes), and it was just as commonplace as what is obtained in the Northern states.

4. Marriages lasted then, even when historical records show that was never really the case for all marriages.

starpower:
➜we actually better friends now, no nagging or serial neglect anymore, it was a phase then. Just emphasizing for him to enjoy himself, nothing is permanent.
➜ Let not empower any spouse, to stop our enjoyment.
➜ Lol!, they will recover but there choice is not my burden.

You ignored your way into becoming better friends with your wife? Why do I know this story and how it is likely to turn out?

2. OP should definitely enjoy himself, but his concerns are equally valid and should be tackled, not brushed under the carpet as though they should not matter. We are humans, and we tend not to let go of these red flags we see as easily as we would like to.

3. They will recover from wounds they do not even bother to treat or tend to? WOW! 🥱🥱🥱

starpower:
➜I didn't continue to please anyone but myself, so it choice I changed and madam matured, if she wouldn't am less concerned. Life too short!

Oh wow! You are playing endurance husband in an unhappy marriage, and somehow you are convinced you are better than OP? No offense meant, but ...

Kobicove:
➜Sorry to say this but based on new UK visa policy you're stuck with her for now. Any attempt to divorce or separate from her your visa will be cancelled and you will all find yourselves back here in Nigeria...I hope you did not sell your house when you were relocating

Can you please provide a reference to this new UK visa policy? 🤔

Jman06:
➜Ephemeral things can't sustain a lifelong relationship like marriage!
➜ 21st century couples fail to check other qualities that sustain marriages like character, emotional intelligence and selflessness.
➜ Rather they get blinded by things that can't sustain marriage as people readily get tired of them due to the "see finish" syndrome.
➜ Ladies are major victims of this! It is usually inside the marriage that they realise that the guy is selfish, has bad characters and lack emotional intelligence. They are usually blinded by infatuation to see all the above undesirable qualities from the get go.

Marriage is itself an ephemeral contract meant to last for as long as the individuals in the marriage are willing to work towards. (Even the religious reloading indicates that it is till death, not everlasting.) It is dependent on the ephemeral efforts of the individuals who are bound by the contract.

2. Last I checked, even during the days of your ancestors — before the 21st century — the marriage abandonment rate(ala divorce) was just as high as it is today, even if unofficial.

3. I don't buy that reasoning at all! Humans will always be humans, and change is constant to us all.

4. Well, the same prescription for people who find themselves in such marriages during the time of your ancestors exists to this day: divorce. Yes, divorce is as old as marriage itself. 😏

Previous generations, including the religious hordes, for so long gaslighted women into avoiding divorce by heaping shame and humiliation on those who chose that way. (All this while menfolk were hailed as good men for discarding what were considered bad women.) Fortunately, the current generation of women is no longer choosing to live in bondage like their mothers and grandmothers before them.

Jman06:
He probably did. People in this generation don't know what true love entails yet they claim they married for love.
➜ They're mostly driven by ephemeral things that can't sustain marriage! That is why the 21st century marriages are failing

. There is no such thing as true love! There are always just two humans working(either together or against each other) in a relationship.

2. Every marriage and relationship on this planet is sustained by exactly those ephemeral things balanced out by the emotional/mental and social intelligence of the couple involved.

jesmond3945:
it seems highly spiritual women also bear heavy grudges. They dont forgive easily. I dont know why. Right now only her children gives her joy. Uk depression might not be helping matters. You need peace of mind Sir. See whether you can leave the house as often as possible and ignore her, just do your thing. Concentrate on your children and when you are not doing that hang out with friends and most important pray for her. God will see you through.

Ignore? Is that a solution in the year 2025? It was never a good solution before now, yet you continue to prescribe it as a solution in 2025?

Kdon2:
➜ Wait untill you lose him before you realise your folly☹️

OP, do not let anyone emotionally blackmail you into holding on to that which you admit has so far stripped you of much of the little peace and sanity you have held onto until this point in time. Be more afraid that you might lose whatever else is left of your mind and self if you continue down this road that you have been on.

ebubeson:
➜It is better to be a sincere benchwarmer in church than to be fornicating while still being active and faithful as an usher, pastor, choir member, protocol, prayer warrior, greeters, in sanitation unit e.t.c.
➜ You shouldn't be an active fornicator and an active worker in church.
➜ And it is wrong to have a steady sugar daddy while still being committed in church work. Spend quality time in not deceiving yourself.

1. Why? 🥱🥱🥱

2. Why? 🥱🥱🥱

3. Why? 🥱🥱🥱

starpower:
➜Sometimes what attracted our spouses are our behaviors when we have options. Please sir read the psychology of seduction by Robert Greene. I tried to once do things my madam way, 2 years we really had hard times, suddenly I dress well when going out with her, took dancing class, started kitchen upgrades and was cooking for my fun. It was the day I told her I was going for foot massage. Madam just said, am I seeing someone, I smile asked her she can join me. Now she clips my nails. And she sometimes says, am I really a married man. I suspected old script from her childhood parenting is affecting the relationship, I choose to focus on making my life worthwhile.

How is your marriage any different from OP's marriage, abeg?

dipset01:
➜No one is perfect, neither am I or expecting my wife to be. I know I’m a good husband and a great father, But it feels like she’s emotionally checked out. Divorce is never in my mind because I come from a Christian home, and I care deeply about my kids and even her. I still believe any marriage can work if both partners are willing to try. But right now, I’m just tired. It’s painful when you want to communicate, but the other person refuses. She’s grown cold, distant, and resentful. When she cooks, I can see the resentment in her eyes, she is not happy doing it. It is like she went into the marriage with certain expectation and it doesnt look like I am meeting them. I have tried to ask, what can i do, teach me to love you. Tell me what you wants, for where? she will just lock up.
She has good qualities — she’s spiritual, beautiful, ambitious, serious-minded, she takes good care of the kids, she has introduced my children to God and prays with them. But emotionally, it feels like she’s no longer in the marriage. I’m just frustrated and honestly don’t know what else to do. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been faithful, responsible, and patient.
At this point, I just needed to vent. Maybe someone out there has gone through something similar and found a way forward.

You both seem to need, in my opinion, the following: a holiday from each other(separation) and intensive marriage counseling(from a professional marriage counselor, of course). You probably might benefit from some professional mental health counseling for yourself, given what your OP reveals of your thinking at this point. (She might need it too.) Hope she has a job of her own, cause that will also come in handy to help her better realize herself while separated from you. During the holiday(separation period), you can both share custody of the kids so you stay connected to them even through the "healing stages" of your relationship.

breadtoaster:
➜ After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside. I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.
➜ It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.
➜ He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.
➜ I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.
➜ I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry. I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

1. Red flag 4! You are understandably alone since he also seems to be gaslighting and bullying you.

2. Manhood not functioning well? That excuse get k-leg.

3. He has literally told you that he is not that into you, though. So, what are you waiting for?

4. Your mind has been impacted by the silent violence you have been living with, it seems. You should probably go see a professional mental health therapist at this point.

5. Ah!😮 Woman, you are a single married woman. You just dey carry Mrs badge for chest; in reality, you are no better than a single woman. And you don't even have kids yet(you have not been babytrapped into this relationship with this man at this point).

It seems you are married to someone who does not like you or rate you at all. With over 4 major red flags(these are not light things at all), I suggest you begin now showing yourself the love you deserve, so you can better implement the next steps in your life from this point on. Is this really the kind of life you envisioned having for yourself at this age or time? Is it really better to be married to your potential enemy than be single and searching(or maybe not) for longer?

breadtoaster:
➜He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage;
➜ he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.
➜ At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

Red flag #3! Aggression and lashing out... definitely not good signs. Was this some sort of arranged marriage?

2. You obviously thought wrong since humans aren't judged by their silence but by their actions. Most of us have known this since we were kids, so why did you choose to go against common sense in these things?

3. Why did you marry this person again?

breadtoaster:
➜Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.
➜For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.
We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

1. Red flag #2 - You dated a man who seems to be both mentally and physically introverted, and decided he was the right one for you to marry, how? Anyways, rather than drag him—I am in an introverted phase right now and ain't nobody forcing me nowhere—, reach a deal of sorts with him. Or may just find yourself some friends in a similar situation, who you can go hang out with on Friday nights. I bet you can find local meetups with like-minded individuals looking to hang out now and then in your area.

2. Maybe both of you are really not on board with the whole spiritual life thing. I get the sense that this, too, is really just you craving his attention and not getting it. The sad truth is that a lot of times, you cannot force these things out of someone who has already shown you from the get-go that his/her essence is rock from the beginning. To save yourself from unnecessary hurt and pain, I suggest you spend your energy on yourself—self-love. Work on yourself, level yourself up, and spend your time and energy working on your emotional and social intelligence overall, so you would spend less of it worrying or hurting.

Life does not end at marriage; these are some of the things you should have thought deeply about before choosing a partner.

breadtoaster:
➜So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.
Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement. Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics? How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Red flag #1. He dated you while you had all those friends around — your social support— you and didn't say anything, but then decided you needed to cut your social circle off completely after marriage. That is a problem. You need to discuss this with him and let him understand that he should be able to see that you need that support, particularly since he is not providing any tangible, meaningful alternative. Depression is real, and many married women in your shoes know this as their lot.

If your partner wishes you to change your friends and social circle because he is in your life or married to you—seriously controlling behavior —, that red flag should be more than enough reason for you to know you are not supposed to be together at all, under any circumstances.

[quote author=adex4real90 post=137100727✓ ]Hello Nairaland,
I need your advice. My wife and I got separated for a year plus now and we had a son and he stays with her. I have been sending her monthly child maintenance since our separation. Anytime, I pay a visit to see the child or wanted to take the child out at least to have some time with him, she always refused. On his birthday day, I told my brother to go and bring the child but the mother refused again and said unless she will follow the child to wherever we are going.
I don't want any kind of memory with her again and I equally want to spend some time with my son especially on his birthday.[/quote]Why did you and your wife need to separate! It is important to this so we understand why the woman would rather you not have any alone time with your child.

Anyways, I generally advice couples with kids who are seeking divorce to opt for court-sanctioned joint/shared custody of the children so they can each get time with the kids for x number of weeks out of each month. That is valuable time that benefits the kids and the parents. This formula works for responsible mothers and responsible fathers only. If, for instance, your woman can prove in court that you are an unfit parent or a potential harm to them, then the court may refuse you joint/shared custody.

Orlandoo:
Are you speaking from experience?

I have met quote a few elderly victims to realize this scam no be internet thing at all. I had mentioned that I was from Nigeria and boom, it was as though I triggered something unpleasant in some of them. When the rage calmed, I realized that they were victims of fraud, and decided I needed to back away. 🥱🥱

Sonnobax15:
.➜ Kobo,what's the exact color of your obsession with us, Nigerian men? .
➜ Point of correction,not all Nigerian men are into scam
➜ So the earlier you change your narrative about us(Nigerian men),,the better for your mental health

Na wa o! Na like I talk? Why is my stating a known fact of the days and age we live in considered an obsession with Nigerian men? 🙄🙄🙄

2. But I didn't state anywhere in my post that all Nigerian men are implicated, so why the rush to that conclusion on your part? 🥱🥱🥱

3. Focus your attention more on your comprehension skills and less on my mental health. 🙄🙄🙄

ARISHEM:
Do you stay in the UK or work with the UK visas and immigration

Immigration laws are available for you to read up on the Internet. You don't need to walk around ignorant of them.