₦airaland Forum

OP, don't let anyone lie to you about men. There is no difference between men and women when it comes to paying each other visits. Just as there are females who don't have a problem visiting friends regularly, there are equally males who do the same. You just need to find the right friends who don't believe they are belittled by stepping out of themselves for their own friends.

Afodot0022:
➜The reason why I will say we are divorced even if not officially done cos what we did was traditional marriage, when we separated, I requested for the bride price to be returned but they refused to give me. I was made to understand that in Yoruba land, they don't return bride price if there are children between the two especially if the kids are with the nother. Maybe Yoruba people should shed more light to this.From my own end, am divorced and can't have anything to do with that woman. I will be a fool to accept her back cos am the one that knows what she did to me.
➜ This woman took my kids away to her parents and deny me access to those children. So now that the man is dead, they now want to see me. Honestly if not that I respect the dead, I won't step my foot there irrespective of anything. You all won't understand the pain I went through by this wicked and evil woman. I can't even stand being in their midst cos I don't trust them. A woman that can boldly and blindly took me to the man that she was sleeping with and the man was trying to counsel us. Is that the woman I should trust or reconcile with...never. Incase the divorce was normal, I won't mind going there but with thee acrimony going one within the both families, I don't think it's a good idea to go there. They can't even call my family members to notify them, it was a stranger they sent, you can see the kind of rubbish family they are. Not even a text message. It's easy for you all to say I should act matured but if you have been through what I went through, you will just ignore that family totally.

If you both did not register your marriage in the Nigerian courts, meaning there is no proof that you were ever married, then it follows that you are just a baby daddy to your children.

Giving back the bride price is not the only way to get a divorce in Nigeria. Visit the courts with any proof you have of your marriage and seek a solid dissolution so you can be sure you are, in fact, divorced from the woman at this point in time. Abandonment is not considered divorce either.

2. The woman is the mother of the kids, hence the reason why she has the kids with her. If you want the kids, you seek custody and present evidence that you are their father and are deserving of at least shared custody of them. It's been many years now since you started this rant against this woman here on Nairaland. To think that in all of that time, you have yet to do any of the needful remains shocking.

Afodot0022:
I remembered when I went to the barracks where she works to check up on my children,I discovered that she dumped the children at her father's place just because she is dating another man.this woman embarrassed me and ridicule me to her colleagues. Me the father of her kids, someone I paid her bride price treating me like that, even her colleagues where angry at her and was begging me.I even received a phone call from one male colleague and I was even threatened that if I set my foot in the barracks again, I will be lock up in prison. Can't you imagine a woman treating the father of her kids like that. Ever since then I stop any form of communication with her and just focus on my life. All these she was doing are all in support of her family. So now that the man is dead, they now want me to come and discuss what pls.

As I have told you previously, all these stories mean nothing. The fact that you refuse to approach the courts to seek custody is the reason why you do not have custody of your kids, so your wife(since you are both still married on paper) is not the one to blame for all of this.

JAOS:
Your immediate solution now is to be completely independent.
Cook your food, get a private transportation for your children, sleep in a different room from her and always spend your spare time with your children and friends or yourself only, try as much as possible to limit your conversations with her, She will reset ASAP to wife status

. You mean he should continue inflicting trauma on his kids' futures? He should make a solid decision on whether to leave the marriage or endure, like our elders in Nigeria typically advise women to do.

dbabs500:
➜....A call came from my Nija friend, while talking i could overhear his gf grumbling in the background and some sort of argument started, he was now complaining to me about how his gf does not listen to him, shes always like a rebel, na him i dey advise am sey make she nor go marry nija girl now ooo, unless sey him dey sure, sey make him try to go other nationalities, this my woman dun dey back door dey hear me na so she show just push me comot for road, as i hold her hand na him she sey are u trying to hit me, omo na so she run enter room remove some clothes then drove out in her car, i come lock door based on sey as she dash out, she left the door wide open, i come go lock door with key, next thing i just see sey person enter house, all the way from where, from the back room window, she climb through window enter house, i try talk to her she slam door on me, she sha kuku drive out, i call her after 25mins, she nor pick, send whatsapp sey make i text am, i asked where the door key is, omo she ignore and didnt reply me. I left for work, 10mins after kids close school, my son called me and said mummy said i should call u to ask if ur at home or at work, i asked her why that is, she said to ask if i can pick them up. That day was my work day and her off day,in which na so we dey rotate am, but because she left the house she could not make it to pick the kids, the serious issue behind the above am talking about his, 3 weeks ago i was in nija for just 10 days, and the 9th day, my son was hit by her a car after school hours when she went to pick them, na barb i dey bard hair when she called me on video call laying down on a busy road that car has hit our daughter, i was calm and had faith, after taking her to the hospital all test came back good and was discharged same day, and after the traume she went through and myself and also the kids, cos my daughter who is my second witnessed this all scenario, madam promised she will never allow them walk home again, and i did same, but because of argument, she left the house and could not make it up while i was at work stating she went to fix her car. The parol enter my marrow, i come see sey since the kids nor even really matter to her, wetin come remain for the union, guys guys girls...take care.

What is the motive behind your telling us this about your wife? If you are ready to get a divorce, separate yourself from the environment asap, and be certain to seek shared custody of your kids, at least, so you do not come back to complain about her refusing your access to your kids, abeg!

Kavara:
➜I am struggling on my own. Hence the need to gi back to my maker.
➜ I don't know. I will see q professional counsellor as soon as I can

What maker? The same one who allowed this burden on you, a burden which you alone can unravel if and only if you are willing to take initiative and attack the real problem instead of continuing to swat at phantoms?

I will even posit that you have never once met the real maker, the one who made that mind that you are afraid to dive deep into to free yourself from all of the trauma and pains it is tangled up in at this point. Ignore all distractions and sit with yourself to realize what your mind wants you to know by way of the depression it is wrapped in at this stage.

2. Do so and begin your journey to healing.

Kavara:
➜I understand

. Bravery is the way to win against depression. Face your fears and your vulnerabilities, knowing that the 10s of 1000s of people out there are in the same shoes you are right now with depression, and like you, they put all of their shame into hiding their shame and guilt well. So, do you wish to continue living like that or would you rather free yourself from all of that worthless turmoil and self-torture?

Afodot0022:
➜Now that the man is late, I was told by the man that he wants to see me and have a meeting with me that he got my number from my ex wife.
What I need to know is that, now that am divorced, do I have any responsibilities whatsoever to render to the family being that am no longer married to their daughter again. Is it a must to be present in whatsoever they want to do or present at the burial. Pls I need advice from people that have experience this before and how they handled it or people that are vast in wisdom.
➜I don't want to be mean to ignore the family cos their daughter really disappointed and betrayed me and also her family had input on how our marriage collapsed. My kids are still with them and also I have the intention to taking custody of my kids as the grandpa they live with is dead and seems like my ex wife have remarried and can't leave my kids to strangers. I want to use this as an opportunity to get custody of my children. Pls all your advice are welcomed and appreciated. Gracias

According to you, you are separated — not legally divorced— so, yes, the man who died is still your father-in-law and you still bear some responsibility. You are still legally married to this woman. Until you legally divorce her, that will remain the case.

2. So, even after all these years of your filling pages upon pages on Nairaland on wanting custody of your children, you have still not gone to formally file for custody — whether shared or full — in the courts? I really don't understand why you are dead set on making your ex seem like the bad person in all of this.

Iamheretolearn:
I have some people I called friends that do not return visits or hardly call or don't call at all to check up on me but I consistently went to visit them and check up on them to see how they are faring. I have told them that their habit of not reciprocating visits is an act of lack of concern about my welfare but they haven't changed. I decided to snub them because they would add no value to my personality with their lack of concern about my welfare by never calling to check up on me or visiting me. Would you keep a friendship going if the other person doesn't change their behavior after you've expressed your feelings?

You should not be trying to force people to be friends with you. Friendships are supposed to be formed with people with whom you share common interests and extraordinary bonds, not with people whom you think you can manipulate or force into doing as you would prefer them to. If you do not share interests or extraordinary bonds with these people, then move on from them.

Also, it is completely OK to cut ties with friends who do not share the same interests or values that you do. No need to snob them as if you are doing them some kind of favor by being so childish.

Kavara:
➜It's stillhurt because i opened my all, like my all to him. Even somethings I didn't tell my parents. It's really painful but I just cut him off.
➜The mistake I made or I felt that if you see someone on your level doing well like extremely prospering legally, Like you know he is not into fraud. I believe they are the right person to meet but it turned out me pouring out everything made him see ne like a wrong person to associate with and he ghosted me.

1. You need to open yourself up completely in order to begin the process of overcoming the shame and guilt you carry, though. Your secrets are not precious unless they are worth their weight in gold.

Go on Reddit or even here on Nairaland, any forum where you can post your story anonymously and pour it all out in entirety. Open yourself to the very same mockery and criticism you have been, all this while afraid of, accepting that all of it is worth facing.

2. That feeling you have of your person— feeling pathetic and worthless when you compare yourself with others — is not unique to you nor invalid at the same time. It is just a feeling you have... signaling the current state of your mind. You say you are depressed, meaning the signals(feelings) your mind will release in that state are mostly negative ones. What you need is to figure out the issues at the core of your loathing of yourself, your inability to see yourself as worthy of life and living even where you are— yes, it is quite possible to be down but not depressed or feeling worthless —, and tackle those directly.

Kavara:
➜Real Jesus?

The entire religion of Christianity(religion of Islam included) is a grand attempt at impersonating the real Jesus Christ, a man whose blood tied Him only to the children of Israel.

Kavara:
➜Some people may have gone through what I am going through now and generally I am tired of my situations currently and I need change. I can't really share some here personally because 9f public space but if I can talk to someone it will help

Again, what you is not someone to feed you more lies about your situation at this point, but someone to help you directly identity, accept and attack the real issues at the core of your depression. Only a professional mental health counselor or therapist can properly and adequately help you with this.

Kavara:
Is there a pastor or counsellor I can share my struggles with

What you instead need is a professional mental health counselor or therapist, not the wackados who, if you did some serious mental digging, may be behind your depression.

bamvik:
➜A murderer and a liar will still go to hellfire. Someone who has been stealing in his entire life might go to heaven, while the one that stole once will go to hell. I can go on and on. Mind you, in heaven no more vacation to different cities of the world, no more cruising in jets, ships and latest cars. No more Nairaland and other social media apps, no games, no football. Just praises and hymns

So, you have been to this particular heaven and to this particular hell to confirm this yourself, abi?

The lady ought to throw herself an I-dodged-a-missile-directed-against-m--peace-of-mind party to celebrate this freedom, abeg! That man was definitely more than a red flag. 😳😳😳

7lives:
✓ There's one around me here, she lives in tiny BQ with two children and a useless husband who beats her.
I used to sympathize with her and chip in few things to support her, now she's pregnant again.
A malnourished woman that looks like a ghost with two hungry children is pregnant again. She's on her own now. Nobody care who gets time for nonsense?, these breeders are pity parties who deliberately put themselves in problem, and expect their relatives, neighbors and the general public to assist them.
Nigerians are bad people, if you're not careful, they'll make you lose your sense of humanity.

The situation is indeed terrible. 😩😩😩

Shawarmagirl:
✓ Here in the UK, leave our child alone at home the government will collect the child and that's the end for you let alone seeing any child hawking.

Try that in Nigeria and the couple involved would simply choose to have another child. In the mind of most, children are cheap replaceable property.

tobstarizhia:
✓ She's not wrong. However I'd rather poor people have just one child than none at all. The only issue is would they be responsible enough to not have another after the first. Poor people tends to have more children, and it's not because they are more sexually active than the richer ones it's more because of lack of planning, which is something that extends beyond their family life, and may even be responsible for them being poor to begin with.

A man and woman struggling to feed, cloth, and educate themselves should have a child, why?

correctyourself:
✓ The people that started calling them such names are actually those who practice traditional religions, those with spiritual powers also manipulate them in the olding days, story tellers, Christiannity was not popular then, and not Christians.

Stop lying! 😩😩

Many Nigerian Christians are guilty of what OP pointed out. And the reason has to do with the fluidity of the religion really(this applies to most all other religions as well);...anything can be added by whoever is able to spin the most alluring tales. This is the reason behind the over 46,000 denominations that the religion boasts of, each brand with its own set of ideas and beliefs all supposedly regarding the same Israelite God. 🥱🥱🥱

YoungBTCxchange:
then this shows that you don't understand what geh geh geh is trying to say, because many people here believes that ghe ghe is supporting the women, which is clearly lies,

See this one..🫤🫤

YoungBTCxchange:
even after my explanation you are still not getting it, well is fine

That attempt at manipulation you call an explanation gets you nothing but an F in the smarts department.

rapsfudy:
✓ I don’t know if this happens to anyone else here.
I met this guy amongst other group of friends from a section on this nairaland. Ever since I saw this guy, my spirit has been vehemently rejecting him
To put it into plain words. There are many parts of myself people do not know or maybe have not shared in the forum (like everyone else) I realised whenever I share these parts when around him, [as pa just being myself] there is this deep face of disdain from him. Recently I realised I cannot be calm and myself around this guy. Recently I started learning about envy. Honestly unless I want to lie to myself. It always seems like his envy stinks from his face.
He has gone to tell everyone that I avoid him in the group or I don’t relate. Truth is that he tries to disrespect me at any chance he gets. For me from the first time I saw this guy his character has been repulsive. Has anyone faced this before? I am here with an open mind

The more important question is why are you friends with someone whom you are convinced hates you? I know you created this thread to bad mouth this other guy. However, it instead highlights some of your own faults.

You claim you only recently learned amount the feeling of envy. And my first question after reading that was, "How old are you?" You met someone on Nairaland and had bad feelings about him from the start yet you continued to hang around him for what purpose?

If he feels you are avoiding him, something you ought to do though since, according to you, you had bad feelings about him from.the moment you met him, why should that bother you? Simply let him know he is right and maybe tell him why you would rather continue avoiding him and move on.

Or is there something we are missing here? Are you instead enamored with him? 🥱🥱

From what I read, her advice to other women is that they submit and endure in marriage... Awon Endurance Wives Crew. Now, more than ever, she must demonstrate to her followers that she is indeed the kind of wife she advises them to be. She needs to buckle down even more now that she has competition. She'd better up her game. 🥱🥱

Lamanii22:
My daughter is four and in nursery 1 but she'd be five 5 by January and would still be in nursery 1, my neighbours are saying her education is slow that I should speak to the school so they can put her in nursery 2... I don't want anything that would disrupt her learning. Should I just let her continue nursery1? Thank you.

What does it matter what your neighbors say when what does is the child learning at a pace that best serves her?

YoungBTCxchange:
✓ 98% people don't understand what geh geh is saying. Geh geh is say that, make girls no go dey date guy because of wetin the girl dey hope say the boy go become tomorrow, because that tomorrow fit no come. so if you wan date boy date am for wetin the boy be now, without any hope of him becoming dangote tomorrow so that it will not lead to pressuring and frustrating the boy when her imaginary fantasy didn't come to pass.
Date a guy for who he is now without visioning one big man future for the boy head. When you accept the boy for who he is now without worrying about what the future can be then both of you will be happy in the relationship, if tomorrow things turn out well for you she will be over happy but if tomorrow things didn't go as planned she will still be happy because she has always accepted you for who you are.
I hope you understand it now sir?

What is funny is that you actually think you are smart. 😩😩😩

Beniyke1:
If our parents were to have strictly enforced this then many of us wouldn’t be born today, infact there wouldn’t be up to a million in the world as a whole

It would have been very much OK if most were not born. At least that nation(Nigerian) and life in it would seem a lot less hellish than it is today to the vast majority. 😏

jmoore:
➜I was listening to a radio programme recently when a woman called in to share a very heavy story. She is married and has six children in total five girls and one boy. From the outside, she appears to have a complete and happy home, but she said she hasn’t had peace of mind for years because of a secret she’s been carrying.
Before her marriage, she had a final “sendforth” encounter with her ex-boyfriend. Not long after, she discovered she was pregnant. Deep within her, she has always been certain that the child from that pregnancy, the only boy among her six children belongs to her ex and not her husband.
For years she buried this truth, convincing herself that it was best not to disturb the peace of her marriage. But recently, she said her heart has been restless. She feels guilty every time she looks at her husband and her son, and she no longer knows how to live with the weight of that secret. The question now tormenting her is whether to finally confess to her husband and risk tearing her family apart, or to continue carrying the burden silently for the sake of 'peace' at home.
It was a sobering moment on the programme. The pain in her voice reflected the complex emotions that come with paternity issues, guilt, fear, love for her children, and the uncertainty of what truth might do to her family.

She should get a DNA test done before moving forward.

Clature:
➜She has warned. Let those with ears and those who claim to have common sense hear.
Again, Nigerians remain too strange a people. Read the comments. Does anyone need to tell anyone not to have children they know they cannot afford? Later, those commenters will still beg you for funds for medicine, pampers and school fees; say no.
When I see children hawking, begging or constituting a nuisance to the windscreen of my car, I feel a deep sense of disgust and anger. And in a rightful and intelligent society, they should be seized by social services and their parents arrested and punished.
➜If there are people within the national legislature and executive that view this platform, I would encourage them before it’s too late to amend the recent tax laws to include an added tax on anyone who has more than 1 or 2 children. It would assist in reducing this population of daftness since they (the leaders) have massacred the education sector.

Nigerians are indeed a strange breed! 44

2. LOL... e be like say you no know Nigeria. 😏