Labans's Posts
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 Jokes Etc › A Miracle by Labans(op): 8:26am On Feb 20, 2007 |
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his ass." |
| Jokes Etc › One Legged Gold Digger by Labans(op): 8:20am On Feb 20, 2007 |
A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated. After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm bleeped now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?" His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney" |
| Jokes Etc › A Man And His Ostrich by Labans(op): 1:05pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be #1500.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be #2532.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million Naira or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say." |
| Jokes Etc › Nightclub by Labans(op): 12:43pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me. "I had him arrested," I replied. My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly did he play? |
| Jokes Etc › The Wife! by Labans(op): 12:41pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation. The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know, ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.'' The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know, ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. " The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know, ''Rich, Urban, Biker. " The fourth guy says, I am a Love Machine., you know, ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'' They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?'' She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know, Wash, Iron, Bleep, Etc.'' |
| Jokes Etc › How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery by Labans(op): 12:34pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers. Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside. |
| Jokes Etc › Woman Vs Man by Labans(op): 12:32pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids." Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person." [A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.] Man: "What's wrong?" Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong." |
| Jokes Etc › Smoke And Pray by Labans(op): 12:29pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?" "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris. Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" "No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means." |
| Jokes Etc › Too Hot by Labans(op): 12:26pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. |
| Jokes Etc › Jump Or Not? by Labans(op): 12:21pm On Feb 19, 2007 |
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed #3000 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her #3000 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money, |
| Jokes Etc › Blonde Detective by Labans(op): 11:20am On Feb 19, 2007 |
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Port Harcourt Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but, " He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!" |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Marriage by Labans(op): 10:36am On Feb 19, 2007 |
You can say that again!  |
| Jokes Etc › The Silent Treatment by Labans(op): 2:21pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." (Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.) |
| Jokes Etc › God Created by Labans(op): 2:19pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. |
| Jokes Etc › Wife Vs Husband by Labans(op): 2:13pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." |
| Jokes Etc › My Private Part by Labans(op): 2:07pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that, Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing." |
| Jokes Etc › Aren't Older Women Great? by Labans(op): 2:01pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises, [b][/b] |
| Jokes Etc › Marriage by Labans(op): 1:58pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked "Is that one word or two?" [b][/b] |
| Jokes Etc › The Man Of The House by Labans(op): 1:52pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE" He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess." [b][/b] |
| Jokes Etc › A Power Outage by Labans(op): 1:48pm On Feb 17, 2007 |
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place , smack his ass again!" |
| Jokes Etc › Airline Cabin Announcements I by Labans(op): 11:27am On Feb 17, 2007 |
Airline Cabin Announcements I All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." |
| Jokes Etc › New Drink by Labans(op): 1:06pm On Feb 16, 2007 |
[b]A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. " "First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it , In one second the sharp lime taste hits , At two seconds the Baileys curdles , At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Mouth Action" [/b] |
| Jokes Etc › The Difference Between Women And Men by Labans(op): 12:59pm On Feb 16, 2007 |
1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a #20 , even though it's only for #32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY A man will pay #2 for a #1 item he needs. A woman will pay #1 for a #2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. 4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument. 6.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does. 10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. |
| Jokes Etc › Grandma's Boyfriend by Labans(op): 12:50pm On Feb 16, 2007 |
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." Grandma's minister fainted. |
| Jokes Etc › She Fell by Labans(op): 11:26am On Feb 16, 2007 |
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and let her go. |
| Jokes Etc › Dear Troubled User: by Labans(op): 11:22am On Feb 16, 2007 |
Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. It may even crash your system. Best of luck, Tech Support X67861 1 Like |
| Jokes Etc › Mad Cow Disease by Labans(op): 11:12am On Feb 16, 2007 |
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?" |
| Jokes Etc › Law Of Gravity by Labans(op): 5:53pm On Feb 15, 2007 |
A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him,” if you're blind, why do you want to fly?" And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience. So off through the skies they went! The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!" A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do you know you're upside down?" The man said, "because shit is running out of my collar!!!!" |
| Jokes Etc › Valentine by Labans(op): 5:41pm On Feb 15, 2007 |
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means? You'll know tonight, he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it---only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". |
| Jokes Etc › Two Little Old Ladies by Labans(op): 5:35pm On Feb 15, 2007 |
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!" |
