₦airaland Forum

In solving a problem, pick a solution that will remove the problem entirely or will have the longest effect in the situation. If your sister leaves this man, the thing she is afraid of will happen to her own children (she will marry a man who will find it traumatizing raising another man's son). If she stays with the man, she will cover that shame for her son. Its a sacrifice she will have to make for her son's future. She should not cancel the marriage, she should just endevour to know the whole story (something she didn't do from the onset). I don't know how somebody cannot know the basic things about a man that sleeps with her and intends to get married to.

She is afraid of DNA tomorrow. She think it's better to abort the baby and plead with you (as she is doing now), than keep the pregnancy and be exposed tomorrow when she is older and can't attract men in the singles market.

Don't take the advise of going for a swearing meeting before a deity. It will further complicate the matter. Same with Police, they will never solve the matter as long as their are different versions. These are never solutions to a family issue.

The solution here is that you or someone in the family needs to call a meeting of all involved. I know this - Who forced who is not the issue, the deed has been done and both are guilty alike. IN this meeting, Let a respected man of God be present. The boy needs to bare his mind, so he will be able to clear his conscience. He is feeling guilt and needs forgiveness. I don't know how you all don't see that. Once he clears his conscience, he will be fine.

The girl too will speak her version. Both of them needs to air their conscience. The end of it should be the elders advising them and forgiving them of their acts. And the Man of God praying for everyone. Then your cousin sister should stay far from the boy's family, and focus on her life and fiance. Youthful exuberance can be troubling, if not controlled.

You will notice that more private cars are on the road. Most people prefer to drive rather than paying the exorbitant transportation fare now. Those who don't have cars will wish they had one in situations as this

Sorry for your plight. But you have helped your brother to be useless. Yes, it may sound harsh, but you are helping his lifestyle of irresponsibility. He left his work place to return to your house, knowing you will accommodate him. From your story, i suspect your mum also has a soft spot for him too. You have to take off your focus on him and treat him like a stranger.

I have a cousin like that. He is the first son. When everyone of his siblings gave him red card, he learnt to survive on his own. Sometimes love is not affectionate. You have to cut him off.

And you are begging her? You need wisdom on how to pursue the better things of life.

Kobojunkie:
So, letting a 3-year-old fall off a balcony is more practical than maybe say allowing him to experience falling from a height in a more controlled environment? OK!

I see. When you have your own kids, conduct this experiment on them in a controlled environment.

Kobojunkie:
So, what you got from that is tha you should allow your son fall off the balcony rail? WOW... OK.

I just made your advice practical and you are this uneasy. Hehehe, you now know you don't need to wait till a child makes a mistake. Like I said earlier, kids needs to have fear of something (parental displeasure, flogging, scolding, shouting, or other forms of discipline), else their exuberance will kill them.

onumadu:
OP, you are lucky that you have someone like your mother-in-law who could accommodate your kids.
Take your mind off your wife for now because "ground no balance" for you, for now.
In any case, two children are enough for you (considering your economic situation).
Thank God for your mother in law.
Forget your wife, for now.
Being alone allows you the opportunity to think, plan, and execute your hustle (assuming you are not a lazy and irresponsible man).
A lot of men in your economic situation don't have where to keep their kids. Think about that for a second.
As long as they are your kids, they will be yours las las.
As for your madam, I wouldn't bet my smart money that she will still be there by the time you find your feet,
but then again, it may all be God's will.
Good luck!

I agree with you. If you relocate, hustle alone. That will make your success come faster. You don't need the added stress from children and a wife who is no longer into you. If possible, relocate secretly. Only make contact when you have some bars to your account. In this case, your wife needs to be convinced, not loved or begged.

Kobojunkie:
A 3-year-old wey him brain do even dey remember wetin him eat only minutes ago na him you wan begin wire him brain first with flogging?

When one of my siblings was as young as 3, she was very stubborn too. She always wanted to touch the stove. My mum did all she could to keep her from it but she would not heed. So, one day, when she was going for it again, my.mum decided to watch her. The girl put her hand in the blue flames and and as the pain got her, my mum grabbed her and scolded her at that point. Since then, the 3-year-old never tried that nonsense experiment again, and we were able to all live without anxieties after that.

Sometimes the best way is to let kids learn for themselves, from the consequences of their actions, not use fear to impose your will over theirs.

Which is worse? I should let my boy get on the balcony rail first, or maybe fall before he learns the implication of his action? That is experimenting with your child. Costly

Reference:
Cannot agree more.

Fear, coercion and the threat of violence has always been the glue that held most African relationships of every kind together. From marriage to parenting, from work to politics, leadership to public service. Its always the stick.

The problem is that fear can only take you so far. It can buy short term loyalty but cannot spur independent reasoning and the liberty that fuels aspiration and creativity. You have tons of families here where children are bred like one trick ponies.

Are you talking about adults or kids? Because if you are referring to kids, they need to have fear of something as they don't understand certain things or their implication. For instance, I tell my son of 3 years not to touch a hot pressing iron or climb the railing at the balcony. I need not explain myself because he won't understand it now, he needs to fear my discipline so as not to fall or get burnt. He will understand in due time when he matures. If you have kids, you got no time to explain every instruction, and even if you do, they wont understand fully. There is something like exuberance in children, they always want to try out risky things. And its your fault if you let them. So yes, fear keeps us safe and is of good use in raising children.

Hi guys, the Car is a 2006 Corolla. The fault is that when I drive on an uneven road, or take a right turn, I will be hearing a consistent tapping sound from the rear side (the trunk). Sometimes it gets embarrassing when I am with people in the car. Also, when I speed up the vehicle on a good road surface, the car shakes. I complained to my mechanic and he changed the engine seat. Yet the problem persists. He said I should check the tires, but no visible lump on any of them. What could be the fault?

drimzsmoke:
Waving Flag by K'naan
Winner by Chidinma ft MTN allstar
Victorious man by General pype
Spirit by R.kelly
Beautiful by 9ice ft 2face
Forgive and forget by 2face
Forgive by Chike
Please forgive me by Bryan Adams

I'm a very selfish person, I know. You said 1 but I listed....and the songs are all popular too

You have made me to play "Spirit" by RKelly. Great piece and timeless. Thanks for the reminder.

tirigbosa:
P square : bring it on

While you are here, please take a minute to view my cartoon. It’s very interesting


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKGC2HELGBc

One of my best motivational songs. The videography is also great. One of the best from Psquare.

What an elder see sitting down, the child will not see even if he climbs a tree. This is an adage. Your father means well and you should heed his advice. However, when presenting the matter to your fiancee, let it be your decision that she goes for a fertility test. Don't mention its from your father. She will willingly do it without hesitation. That way, you win both of them over. Don't let anybody deceive you that its your marriage alone.

kponkedenge:
Igbo this, Igbo that.

The funny thing is that Igbo man has not ruled Nigeria for decades, yet the country is in shambles.

The way Igbo get mentioned, one would think that it's the Igbos that have destroyed our country, economy and security.

My dear. I don't even know the reason for his meltdown.

Use your husband for protection. My father told me "a woman whose husband is alive does not offend anyone". Just ask your husband to make the call or you tell her your husband has taken care of it from his side of the family. She will not blame you. There is a difference between Omugwo and holiday. You mum is coming for holiday, a get-away from her stay in her matrimonial home. Don't indulge her if she will bring you stress instead of comfort.

I had a friend who was in your situation just last year. I advised him several times but he did what was best for him. He is in the UK now and he is regretting his decision of letting his girl go. Abroad is a lonely place, and if you are planning of going to the UK, you need your relationship. Don't leave your girl, tell her your plans and plan together. Infact, the money you think you will spend to get married here may not happen that way, if you are with a wise girl. Registry wedding will not cost you more than 50k and you are done. Traditional marriage can also be done in a simple way, just explain to your inlaws. At the end, you still have your money, a wife and the abroad plans still in full gear. You can go and bring her over or you both go together. You can always go abroad today and in future. But you may never find another good woman (assuming she is all that).

BloomingDale:
The children are with the father. Why should the mother be worried? You want the children to be with the mother 24/7? How would the father bond with them? Now I’m confused.

Single mothers should give you their trophy. They don't deserve it.

BloomingDale:
Single does not mean relationship less and not having learnt the beauty of compromise.

No relationship on earth is like that of a mother and child. That's why you don't appreciate the questions I have been asking you all the while. You think you have issues with the husband; you don't know a mother is involved. Children not more than 9 years starved by no less person than their own mother because she is beefing her husband. Single mothers should carry their trophy to your house.

rayvelez:
Alaba boys again the painful part is most of em were all from the East smh...

Bros, would it have been less painful to you if most of them are from the North or South West? No dey bring tribalism to a straightforward issue like this. Learn to deal with the main issue raised and leave where the person comes from.

BloomingDale:
I’m pretty sure stew and soup dey fridge. Make the man make eba or boil rice for himself and the children. He should use that time and opportunity to bond with his children.

I remember you said you are single. Its well.

BloomingDale:
Shey you dey whine me ni. The husband can’t fend for himself and his children? He’s handicapped?

Okay. You are saying the woman has no meal plans for that day?

BloomingDale:
Depends on how much they are paying her. Are they paying her to look after the children, clean the house, do the laundry, go to the market and cook? That would be so expensive.

I know I pay my house-help twice a week to clean my house, but she does not do my cooking, nor my laundry, nor go to the market nor do any extra job cos I’m still single. My house help also does not work weekends nor nights.

My married sister has a professional cook, a cleaner, a driver, a gateman, a laundry man and a gardener that she pays separately so separation of duties.

The husband should clarify what the wife is paying the house help for.

Nne, you are avoiding the issue here. What plan does a wife and mother have for feeding her husband and kids on a Sunday after church?

People are saying something about "red flag". While it is good to avoid troubles before they come, some "red flags" are not worth avoiding with marriage as the bigger picture. Look at it this way, you and your hubby are cool. Only that when you reach the side of your inlaws, you have issues. So instead of avoiding the marriage entirely, why not pattern your marriage such that you have the least contact with them inlaws? Almost every family has this issue, and wives have been sidestepping the issue to enjoy their marriage. Which is why you should not have resigned your job. Your priority is your husband and your daughter. Focus on them, use your money on them, make your home a place to come to, and minimise contact with others. I know an inlaw that has never bothered about contacting the larger family on anything since she married into our family, and for good reasons too. They live far away which makes it possible for her to enjoy her marriage. All that interference does not build the home. So to conclude, the time you noticed your inlaws and what they can do, start working on how to have a proper nuclear family with least interference. You can still enjoy your marriage, even in the midst of mad inlaws. Use wisdom

BloomingDale:
Probably to look after the children while she’s at work.

Only? She doesn't also sweep the house, run errands, or do laundry. what does the househelp do when Children go to school? On weekends when no one goes to work, does Househelp still keep to that one job? I am trying to see how a wife with the added advantage of a househelp cannot cook on a Sunday for her family.

BloomingDale:
The house-help gets paid by the wife, meaning that the husband in no way or shape wants to help the wife take care of the house chores, yet expects her to foot some of the house bills and take care of her own personal maintenance.

Since the wife is taking care of some bills, the husband should also learn to fend for himself by doing some some house chores like cooking for himself and the children when the wife is not around or tired. He should have seen that day as an opportunity to treat the children to a Sunday outing and if possible go out of his way to buy the wife takeaway pending when she will be back. These little gestures go a long way.

I bet he is the type of man that spends all weekend watching football and going out for drinks with his male friends, while he expects the wife to slave away all all weekend.

The guy simply does not love his wife. He is just using her as a nanny, cook, house help, sleep partner and child rearer. He is only annoyed things are not going his selfish way.

Wait, so whats the Househelp paid for?

BloomingDale:
And so? Do you know the duties of the househelp? Do you know how old the househelp is?

I’m reading btw the lines of what the man wrote up there since the wife is not here to give her own version and he ain’t lily white. They fight about food, sex and finances which means he is slacking, especially when it comes to the finance aspect, that he craftily put himself as a saint.

In your quest to reply, you also missed that the househelp gets paid. Which means she is old enough to earn her keep. So stop asking questions to justify your bias. What manner of wife goes to Sunday service with her family, and then stays behind after dismissal while the husband and children comes back home to no food? I dont know how you want to defend that?

BloomingDale:
Did you not hear the husband say they fight about food, sex and finances? I’m sure the women of old would have left too if divorce was not a thing of shame.

I just use those examples as things that can be done to relieve the wife. I’m trying to save the man’s marriage and you guys are letting your ego get in the way.

I think she is way more mentally stressed than physically stressed. She has to be making constant decisions for the household. That’s why I said the husband should relieve her of that, like noticing when they are running out of things and making the effort to replenish them, looking after the children, sitting out which clothes are clean and which are dirty and putting them in the laundry basket. Those are mental tasks.

Did you read that they have a househelp?

Foodqueen:
She has a maid who she doesn't instruct to cook for you.

That's the height of it.

Abi o. You and your family went to church. You stayed back after dismissal while your family goes home to no food. Thats really some strong mentality from a wife and mother. Then on an Easter Sunday? Nawao

reddingtonblack:
We are not arguing with you, But lead the way
what ever the East proposing, lets see it start from your region.
Igbos can make lagos look fine more than America, we no argue but showcase it with your region.

If i tell you i am the best fashion designer in town and the cloth i am wearing looks like demlux will you give your materials to me.

When you look at the choice of leaders Igbos make in the East why should any sane person let them be our guide or tell us what is good for us. chinedu wants to occupy lagos governor sit in lagos but akeredolu wife was denied senator ticket just becos she married yoruba. Be what you preach

Lets take it from your last point.
Akeredolu's wife contested the primaries and lost. Just like Ambode did in 2019 and lost. She scored some votes but didn't get the majority votes. So Don't sweat it.

Now, this guy you are calling Chinedu is a Lagosian. I am yet to see anyone disprove his origin. Those who attempted has either been exposed of not even having family roots in Lagos or shown to be saying it for Party sake. I don't know where you fall into.

Now to the choice of leaders in the east, check the resume of Governors and National Assembly members in the 5 eastern states from 99 to date. You will see that almost all of them are very qualified for the position. However, their performance in office is a different issue as that is based on the leaders proving their mettle, not the electorates - who have done their work of casting votes. Mention one SE Governor that is not qualified (academics, business or know-how) for the position. So don't make it look like we have good candidates in an election, and we choose the worst. Soludo for example is the best amongst the people that came out for the Governorship election, you know his resume. But look at his performance now. Is it still the fault of Anambrarians that he is performing below per? No.

Moving forward from here, you can see that the people in the SE took care in changing a whole lot of politicians in the last election (all the HoR members in Anambra did not win re-election) for instance. And they will continue the trend for the Governorship and HoA election on Saturday.

On another note, if we remove Lagos State from the equation, we can have a comparable argument on developments between the South East and the South West. I have traveled well in the concerned States and seen things. But that's not the purpose of this discourse. Just know where to apportion blames - on the people or on the elected officials.

[quote author=AskProf post=121573868][/quote]there were people here before the Binis came. God did not create Binis in Lagos. They may have opened up the place due to imperialism, but they met people on ground. Binis also can claim Dahomey and Badagry, if we are sticking to your argument. There are indigenous Lagosians, whose family has always lived on the land. Not those that their fathers house is in Ondo and Ogun State