₦airaland Forum

10 SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE
By René Syler October 21, 2013
We know the big signs of relationship trouble: abuse, addictions, infidelity, deception, control, anger, etc. Many relationships don’t have these problems, but they’re still rife with other issues. They are the smaller red flags you’re not paying attention to that—when done every day—chip away the foundation of your relationship. These things happen to the best of us because we don’t think of them as that bad and we can always find a way to justify our actions. As in, I might be mean to him, but at least I don’t lie to him. He lies to me all the time. Team GEM has come up with 10 signs that your relationship might be in trouble. We don’t like to leave you wondering, so we offer our ideas on what you can do about it too.

1. STRANGERS GET BETTER TREATMENT THAN YOU GIVE EACH OTHER

This happens in all kinds of relationships, whether romantic or platonic. We’re nice to strangers because we only see them for a few minutes and it’s easy to be on our best behavior. It’s easy not to snap at them or nag them. But the person we see every day—who left his dirty laundry on the floor or locked her keys in the car again—doesn’t always get the best treatment because we’ve seen that person at his or her worst and, quite frankly, we’re sick of it.

What you can do about it:

Take a day to observe your own behavior. Be honest about whether you have a mean edge in your voice when you talk to your partner. If you do—don’t worry! You’re human and we all behave badly sometimes. Now that you see yourself, take another day to think before you speak to your partner. If you feel the urge to say something mean, bite your tongue (figuratively, of course). Say what you want to say without the nasty edge. Throw in a sincere compliment. Your partner may not notice or appreciate what you did, but keep doing it. Lead by example.

2. NEITHER OF YOU IS FOCUSING ON WHAT’S RIGHT

There is no way that one can be in a relationship and not have struggles or problems arise. As conflicts happen, there’s a tendency to have tunnel vision about fixing them by looking at everything that’s going wrong. You both feel like you’re doing the right thing by discussing your relationship, but you’re in the defensive mode of picking at every bad thing about it in the name of strengthening it.

What you can do about it:

Reframe your thinking about your relationship. What’s right in it? Seriously, think about the things you love, the stuff that’s going well, the last time you had a good time together. When you’re discussing your relationship, highlight the good stuff. Ask for more of it and do more of it yourself. You’ll feel better and so will your partner. It doesn’t mean that you don’t deal with pressing issues; it means that you change the conversation to one that’s empowering to the relationship.

3. YOU LIKE EACH OTHER BUT DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER

On your first date, it really was kinda cute the way your partner scraped her teeth with the fork at dinner. It wasn’t so bad the way he started every comment with, “Hey, you know what?” Now months or years have passed, and you think you’re going to lose it if you see that bad habit One.More.Time.

What you can do about it:

If love is still present, then you still have a chance to work on the “liking each other” aspect of the relationship. First of all, recognize that you yourself have habits that annoy your partner. Then, understand that there’s a good chance that your partner is not trying to annoy you! It’s impossible to hold on to the “first date façade” for months and years at a time. Let go of your annoyance and anger about small things that irritate you. It won’t be easy, but every moment you hold on to poisonous feelings is another moment that will steal your chance to be happy with the person you chose.

4. YOU DON’T MAKE TIME FOR INTIMACY

Sex is falling to the wayside or has stopped completely. You don’t hug or kiss each other. Communication doesn’t go much beyond the topics of kids, bills, and chores. You’re not connecting physically, emotionally, and mentally. This is a dangerous place to be because one or both of you is heading toward indifference—if you’re not already there. The textbook definition of indifference is a lack of interest, concern, or sympathy. It’s difficult to overcome a lack of concern for your partner

What you can do about it:

One place to start is to physically connect with your partner. For some couples, that could mean making love more often. For others, that might mean holding hands when you ordinarily wouldn’t. Human touch enhances the level of attachment we feel to others. Touch can send a powerful message of comfort, love, and security. It is a way to sympathize with people and show your care and concern. Your partner probably deserves your intimacy.

5. ONE OF YOU THINKS YOU ARE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

A self-centered attitude will drag a relationship down subtly, but quickly. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who insists on always having his own way, who makes unreasonable demands, or who is unwilling to compromise. It sends the message that the other person’s needs are unimportant.

What you can do about it:

If your partner is the self-centered one, there isn’t much you can do about it since you can’t change other people. But, you have unlimited power to change your response. If he wants you to pick up the dry cleaning and it’s inconvenient for you, then communicate what you can do. You could say something like, “I can pick up the dry cleaning or pick up the kids, but I can’t do both. I can do one and you can do the other. What do you prefer?”

If you are the self-centered one, you have to ask yourself what you’re really trying to achieve in your relationship if your behavior is a source of unhappiness. If you want to salvage your relationship, you have to be willing to do the hard work of self-reflection and then take action to balance your partner’s needs with your own.

6. YOU HAVE NEW INTERESTS THAT DON’T INCLUDE EACH OTHER

Healthy couples should have separate interests. It’s part of what contributes to making each of you more interesting to the other. At the same time, it’s a problem if you—or your partner—have new pursuits that take the time you used to spend together or you have some of the same hobbies, but you no longer do them together. Of course, it may not mean anything to pick up a hobby, but beware if the hobby is leading either of you to spend more time with other people.

What you can do about it:

Bring your partner into what you’re doing and ask to join in what he’s doing. If you don’t enjoy golf, you don’t need to play 18 holes. Take a quick trip to the driving range instead. He may not want to join your theater company, but invite him to a rehearsal or show. The point is to find opportunities to come together sometimes.

7. YOU DON’T MAKE THE EFFORT TO IMPRESS EACH OTHER

Remember the days when you used to impress each other? You used to plan how you were going to look, think, and act when you were together. You put a lot of thought and effort into your appearance and behavior. Maybe now you don’t even bother to throw on lipstick and you no longer feel the need to stay abreast of issues your partner cares about. Impressing your partner in word and deed shows your investment in the relationship. If you do not impress each other, you’re losing your investment.

What you can do about it:

Time to start investing in impressing. Take a look at what you can do to pique your partner’s interest. It really won’t take much effort to look like you made an effort. If your usual date attire consists of sneakers, jeans, and a T-shirt, switch to nice jeans, a colorful blouse, and heels. You haven’t changed much, but it will look like you did. If your partner likes football and you only pretended to like it to seal the deal, then wow him with a nugget of information that you can easily get from watching ESPN on TV or online. There’s no need to be phony; you don’t have to learn the rules of football. But, you can talk about a human-interest story like the death of Adrian Peterson’s son.

8. YOU ARE TURNING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER

Very little hurts more than your partner approaching you about something—anything—and your response is to literally and/or figuratively turn away. No matter how you feel, it shows a lack of care and concern not to respond—even if that’s not the message you intended to send. If your partner is turning away from you, then you know the pain.

What you can do about it:

Sometimes the problem is that the person doing the turning away is angry and doesn’t want to say something hurtful. Sometimes you—or your partner—don’t know what to say, so you figure it’s best to walk away without saying a word. You can prevent a bigger problem by acknowledging your partner as a person in a relationship with you. It could be as simple as saying, “I don’t know what to say right now. Let me think about it.” Or allow your partner some time to process his thoughts. You could say, “I know you need to think about this, but I do need to hear from you, too. Can we talk tonight?”

By doing so, you’re acknowledging that you understand your partner’s needs as well as your own.

9. YOU’RE TALKING TO THE WRONG PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

There’s nothing wrong with seeking advice from friends and family about certain things. The point of having people in your life is that they help you on your journeys. The caveat here is that friends and family may not be very helpful when it comes to your relationship. Even if your aunt and uncle have been married for 50 years, even if your college roommate is a licensed marriage and family therapist, your connection with them is too close to look at your relationship objectively.

What you can do about it:

Stop talking about your relationship with friends and family. One member of TEAM GEM got this piece of great advice from her mother when she was a newlywed: “If you want me to love your husband as a son, then you can’t tell me all the things he has done to hurt you. You will forgive him and move on, but I won’t be so quick to forgive because you are my daughter and I love you more.” Your relationship will be better off if you talk to your partner first, then take your problems—individually and as a couple—to a licensed therapist. Can’t afford it? See if any colleges around you offer a degree program in therapy. You may be able to use the services of supervised graduate students and the fees are usually on a very reasonable sliding scale.

10. YOU’RE NOT SURE IF YOU SHOULD STAY OR GO

You’ve talked about all your issues, you’ve fought, and you’ve cycled through good and bad times. But, you wake up in the morning and you’re thinking that maybe your relationship is over.

What you can do about it:

Whether you stay or go is a decision that only you and your partner can make with some pretty deep soul-searching. If you choose to work things out, give it your all. Bring out your best self and treat your partner respectfully. Fully engage with your partner and really listen when he speaks. Avoid fighting. Wait at least three months have passed to evaluate whether your relationship has a future.

Please enjoy and comment
NJF

@naijababe

That was a harsh statement to make.
One man can't change the system but he can make a difference, he was trying to make a difference here.
I guess he will be better off employing someone formally next time i.e. an adult.

Remember one reason why families go for underaged maids is women don't want an adult female in their household for obvious reasons.

@labiola

What a shame!
I guess most of them come from a background of poverty hence such behaviour.
The mother just wanted the money she could get from 'selling' her daughter and has probably given her to someone else who is giving her the money and not sending her to school
The poor girl probably had no say in the matter

AjanleKoko: However well you may be treating them, you are breaking the law by employing underage children.
The responsible and civic thing to do would be to adopt them as your wards, not keep them as employees.

We all want a greater Nigeria, but in our private lives, we ridicule its laws consistently

Sounds like a way to legalise having under aged children working in your household. Some times the children are distant relatives from the village.

However we see it or where the child or maid is related to you or not or even if not underaged, she's still entitled to a bed, food and clothing and a rest period while she is working/living in your house.
This is I'm afraid a core tradition in Nigerian society.

Those who don't have maids think about it, regarding your own children living with you and doing household chores, do you not feed, clothe and educate them? or give them time off to rest from house work etc?
So why should another child be different?

@devour129

I like your initiative.
I guess all you need to do is offer them the choice of an education, it is up to them to accept.

No wonder Nigeria is listed as one of the countries where slavery is rampant.

Many people who have maids, house boys or domestic servants will cringe if they were told they had slaves but is there any real difference to what they go through and slavery?

Modern day slavery is present everywhere in Nigerian society, we are just ignorant of the fact just because we didn't buy them in a slave market.
If a man or woman brings a girl to your house and you pay them a fee then proceed to deny the poor girl food unless she works till she drops, an education because she isn't your child and a comfortable place to sleep also because she is not your child and she is not allowed to leave of her own free will as well, what does that make her? A house help or a slave?
Can you house help provide evidence that you pay her? does she have any time off from work to rest? Does she get meals when the family gets meals?

If you have a school age child in your house and you deny them basic human freedoms and importantly, an education then I'm afraid you are keeping a slave

Plans for a £3,000 "security bond" for some "high risk" overseas visitors to the UK are to be abandoned, the Home Office has confirmed.

The visa bond scheme was announced by Home Secretary Theresa May in June and was set to be introduced this month.

A Home Office spokesman confirmed a Sunday Times report that the policy would be scrapped.

The decision is thought to have been taken after deputy prime minister Nick Clegg threatened to block it.

The aim of the scheme was to reduce the number of people from some "high risk" countries - including India, Pakistan, and Nigeria - staying in the UK once their short-term visas had expired.

Visitors would have paid a £3,000 cash bond before arrival in the UK - forfeited if they failed make the return trip.

Source: BBC NEWS

Dear forum,

Some food for thought,
We have all been talking of the imminent break up of the political entity called Nigeria

Any thoughts as to what the area formerly known as Nigeria will look like when the dust has settled?

I suspect any new political entities will be formed along ethnic lines.
It goes without saying that the major ethnic groups in the south south, south east and the north will gravitate towards one another but what will happen to those that contain ethnic minorities?

Are such entities politically and economically viable?

Thoughts anyone?

@spyder880
Nice house and fence, shame about the rubbish dump outside
Do they not realise that's a healthy and safety risk?

Oh I see it's outside his fence so doesn't concern him

Fire, flood and vermin are no respecters of human boundaries though

For me, this is simple: TERMITES!

Do you think they will treat the timber frame adequately in Nigeria?

Where will you find the expertise to construct timber frames?

@mariory

It is a JOKE dont you get it?

please remove your capslock when you are typing
Capital letters imply that you are shouting

@Investors

Asking a "whether to buy or to sell" question is not  an easy one to answer because no one knows your strategy or general aims

If your strategy is capital gains you can not sit on your stock, you have to sell to realise your profit and buy or move onto the next stock. you should even looking at moving the money elsewhere ie capital market
You have to decide how much profit you want to go for realistically before cashing in this is difficult as your stock may not meet your target or may shoot past it making you greedy

Remember till you have sold and collected your cash, you are in possession of paper money which can disappear overnight

If you just want to park your money in safe stocks, stick to blue chip stocks as found in the banking sector giants, relax and collect your yearly dividends

Bottomline: Plan your strategy, don't get too greedy

Ciao

I will do it for cheaper
Guaranteed same day credit

@cheexy
My post means exactly what it says on the tin

@The house
My point is speculation and wild rumours about transcorp is giving everyone a high blood pressure, transcorp was never going to be a red hot stock like Dangote, some people saw through the hype others didn't, everyone is looking at Dangote and either rubbing their hands with glee or banging their head on the wall
We all learn from our mistakes

If you bought Transcorp shares put up or shut up.
You can sell if you are not happy or forget about the money for now afterall you must have heard the saying don't invest what you can't afford to lose

If you didn't buy Transcorp stop rubbing it in

, stop rumour mongering and spend your time and effort on your other stocks in your portfolio

2 camps

Camp 1: Transcorp Investors. Wistful and Optimistic

Camp 2: Non Transcorp Investors. Calculated, informed decision not to invest based on gut feeling, lack of credible information, lack of track record, lack of strong fundamentals and other relevant information considered the staple diet of savvy investors

Honourable Jury Members on Panel of Good vs Bad Investment decisions: Still undecided

Public: Watch this space

Quote by Doe
[2.5 KVA won't power a one room apartment. Solar is for the rich only. From an eco friendly point its idea, but it never repays its investment. The initial cost for a 4 bed house well be in excess of £40,000.]


You don't have to power a 4 bedroom house with ACs and TVs on 24-7 in each room do you
You just want ancillary power that will keep your life comfortable and run the barest minimum
£40,000 is excessive and i wouldn't pay that sum even if i was related to Bill Gates, OBJ or Dariye


I suspect your quote is coming from a UK company using UK sunshine levels for their estimates
Nigeria is in Zone 8 which is the part of the world that receives the highest amount of sunshine, so estimates in the northern hemisphere extrapolated to the southern hemsipshere tend not to take that into consideration

You need a reliable and reputable engineer to give you a quote and you dodinteed to go large when building a system unless you can afford

Cheers

eeh!!!

How did they know?
What about the money i hide inside my jeans each time i am going back
I sure say it go pass $7 Billa. Not me but all of the heavy guys together who are making waves abroad

So how much did they governors remit out of the country thats what we want to know?
At least we worked for ours, or did we?

How is a wind turbine more cost effective or environmentally friendly
To generate a decent amount of power you need a large (and unsightly) turbine as opposed to a relatively innocuous solar panel

I don't think so mate!

[quote author=dare_alabi link=topic=47519.msg1030362#msg1030362 date=1176300622]Hi egoldman, please what is the meaning of HYIPS?[/quote]If you have to ask you can't afford,  or you shouldn't be getting involved

It means High Yield Investment Programme
They abound on the internet and are mainly scams

In this forum it has been used (erroneously) to describe the several investment programmes which exist in Nigeria and offer returns of between 6-10% per month
Some programmes also listed under this description give yields of up to 400%

It is generally believed that most HYIPs are multilevel marketing scams or pyramid schemes where one person has to introduce another in order to keep building the pyramid

They are usually very enticing to followers of the 'get rich quick' and 'riches right now' club
Most people get their fingers burnt in the schemes that abound on the internet

However in Nigeria several investment schemes have been running for years and no scheme failed to deliver to date

There are 2 groups in this forum those who have been investing for some time and will swear by Nigerian HYIPs and those who have been crying wolf waiting for the bubble to burst
There is also another group (sit don look) who continue to watch by the side lines and are yet to make up their minds

I am not (yet) an investor in any of these schemes

The jury is still out

And the product is??

@egoldman

Hi egold
I also have a cashcraft account which i opened from the UK in Feb 2007.
The online dealing facility doesnt work have you been using this facility recently?
I also find them very slow to carry out my transactions even though i have direct contact with a Broker

Can you send me the details of your account manager please, i don' think i am getting a good service and i am about to change brokers altogether

Cheers
N'Fresh

@Loverbwoy
@Ndipe

Take a look at this site   http://www.africanselect.com

I haven't personally dealt with them before as i now go to Nigeria regularly but i will in the future when i need to make an urgent purchase from the UK

The whole issue of transferring money reliably and cheaply to Nigeria is a big problem

The best exchange rates i could get ranged from N244 to N247 to the pound when in Nigeria the pound was N250.
You pay fees here to your bank, the bank in Nigeria takes fees and the correspondent bank takes fees as well hence the low exchange rates which are quite discouraging

Unless you are stuck you are best of taking the money yourself or sending someone reliable

Good Luck

Aah My favorite topic

Obamedo you are correct, the system i specified is a standalone all in one system from the USA
It Included importation, installation etc It is just to give an idea of how much systems could cost and i did stress they are getting cheaper

There are cheaper alternatives available from Asia but don't compromise on quality and buy the most powerful unit you can afford

I concluded then that it will be be more cost effective to purchase locally available systems as long as they are durable and can do the job

The post above this by Obamedo gives you an idea of components needed, i will stress that it is a pretty durable setup as it has few moving parts, Well done Obamedo for that Link

I also recommend you see a working system before you buy

Good luck

Can anyone who has recent experience of online stocktrading in Nigeria tell me which brokers they use and how they rate in terms of efficiency, speed of transactions, accessibility to real time trading etc

I signed up with cashcraft as they claim to offer this service, however their online trading facility is non functional and i have resorted to emailing them my buy/sell instructions
Italso takes up to 2 days or longer for them to action my emails or attend to my queries, this is not satisfactory for my purposes

Which other brokers offer a competent, up and running online stock trading platform at the moment please?

Thanks

@adechuks

Solar panels come in different sizes and are of varying quality
Efficiency in converting solar energy to electricity varies from 6- 40% . The efficiency of comercially available mc-Si solar cells is around 14-16%

If you do go ahead make sure you are getting the photovoltaic panels. These are the daylight panels i mentioned earlier that only require daylight rather than strong sunlight though the yield is lower
The other panels on the market are much cheaper

The problem with Nigerian suppliers is they look for the cheapest rather than the most efficient and sturdiest in order to maximise profits

The quote i was given was much higher because i factored in 3-4 working ACs in addition to the normal working load of a 3 bed house. This is obviously a very heavy load hence the cost

A smaller system would cost $9,000 to $14,000.
Remember in order to reduce costs you have to be more energy efficient and switch things off unless they are an absolute necessity
You may also have to make do without things like ACs and go for fans, this reduces the cost even further

Also remember prices continue to fall with time

Good Luck

@kticks

I wonder who supplied the solar converters. The solar street lights in the UK work and its not half as sunny here so why shouldnt the ones in Adamawa work?

They should come with a guarantee and be replaced by the contractor if they fail
I suspect foul play, i hope it is not the same contractors who have been working on our roads and electricity supply

Ka:
Don't forget that solar panels aren't very efficient at converting the sun's energy to electricity. And when you're storing this energy for nighttime use, you'll find that you need loads of batteries to store the energy for regular domestic usage.

The newer more efficient solar panels do not require strong sunlight just day light to generate electricity but true they are not very efficient thats why you need very large panels to generate a reasonable amount of electricity

if energy is required at night you require banks of batteries and inverters to process and store the electricity

In offices where only minimum lighting is required at night solar power is a good option

If i were to build a house in Nigeria today, i will definitely install a standalone solar unit, it may cost a lot of money but at least there will always be power.
Some communities in Australia miles away from the grid have installed units which supply several houses. Expensive to build and install but much cheaper than waiting for the national grid

So you have to look at the cost benefits, i believe these are much better in Nigeria

We just need a reliable and reputable supplier and installer of solar systems who can give a wide range of solutions depending on how much you want to spend and your particular needs

@adechuks

You are asking a very open ended question like how much does a car cost?

I have looked into it before and this is what i found

It depends on several factors a few listed below,

1. how much power you want to generate, this depends on size of your premises and power consumption
2. Do you want a 24 hour power supply or day time generating unit only, you will need inverters and batteries for 24 hour supply
3. Do you want a standalone solution or a grid tie which uses the grid when power is available
4. How much roof space do you have for the solar panels
5. Do you have to modify or strengthen your roof for the extra weight of the panels

So you see there are several configurations available
It is difficult to give a cost unless you know what your power requirements are

Last time i checked, a system to supply power to an average 3 bedroom house with 1 fridge, 1 television and 3 ACs cost about $28000 but this doesn't include installation or cost of importation etc.

The appliances you want to run most also be environmentally friendly low power consumption units. Some specialized units do exist at additional cost

Also some industrial solar systems exist but these are expensive due to the size of the panels required

The solar solution is still expensive overall cost however continues to drop over time.
In Nigeria you will recover the cost of your initial investment in less time than in other countires where they are mainly installed to reduce energy bills
Another good point is there are few if any moving parts and maintenance is very minimal

The installation cost is difficult to estimate as it needs to be done professionally and most installers are outside Nigeria
Some local solar power retailers exist but i think they exist on a small scale

Lastly Petrol/Diesel Generators are tried and tested technology
Solar panels will be very new to Nigeria and most people will not want to spend so much money on technology they are not familiar with

Ciao

@TayoD

Dont even go there, some people must have read their geography books upside down if at all in school
Allow him wallow in his ignorance

Chionyins:
HI ALL,
New to the thread , a new investor to niaja stocks too.
Keep it up all, I got invaluable tips n infor cheers

@NiajaFresh
How now? i am looking to gte the DEAP shares, read their props. Yah ? re their 2005 but it all seems good from my little knowledge for the long term, eh? Did you buy tthe shares.

@All i would like to know if anyone got the oceanic offer?

@Everyone -- Happy Easter!

@Chionyins
I have thought about buying DEAP but decided against. I am trying to build up my 'blue chip' portfolio first so i'm not yet ready to start gambling.
DEAP looks interesting but i have pointed out earlier they havent explained why they made a loss of N11 million naira in 2005 and then bounced back the next year. With all the false accounting scandals going on i am a bit wary

I also think their profit forecasts for the next 3 years are optimistic
I will however not be surprised if i am proved wrong and they do end up having strong growth figures but thats what speculation is all about. Win some lose some

My advice is to build up your portfolio first with soild stocks then you can start to gamble.
If you lose money early in your first forage into the stock market it can be very discouraging
Another point is, don't rush to buy every stock released onto the market, you may run out of money and miss a really good opportunity later if you do

Good Luck

Flagship is apparently a sister company to NOSPETCO and their office is in the same building as Nospetco. I believe it may be the 12th Floor or so