₦airaland Forum

@ sino: Yes you are right, it is just so you have the right to divorce if he does do it. Remember the right of divorce is with the man a woman can only ASK for one, which he may or may not give. I just want to have the option of a divorce just in case he doesn't treat me fairly when he gets another wife. I actually do feel like you should be patient if your husband gets another wife only if he follows the condition in the Quran of being just. I would want it to not happen at all, but I have no control over that as he can do it. I can't do anything about that. All I can do is divorce him, but that is only IF he treats me or my children unjustly. This would apply if he was monogamous as well. You know the problem with polygamy is even if the husband is just, the new wife may have plans to usurp you. It also depends on the type of woman he brings into your family. Many 2nd wives come with the intention of kicking out the 1st wife and when their plan doesn't work, start to give you trouble. I know many will keep trying to do things to cause discord between you and your husband. I just want a peaceful simple life. If he still treats me and my children well and doesn't let the other woman take over things than I would be OK. Prayers will help me get through the rest of the pain. But inshallah I will be my husband's one and only.

@taba1234: 3 wives? Wow one other woman is bad enough, but with with 3 or 4 of you, you just feel so insignificant like you are in a harem. I cannot imagine sharing my husband with up to 3 women. How in the world do these women live with this? I guess it differs based on where you grow up and your life circumstances. It just seems degrading to me, but maybe growing up in the West had made it hard for me to see the better side. I personally would not want much contact with the other women if I were to be put in such a situation. The only way I could be OK, not happy just OK with it is if we live in separate homes (which we are entitled to) and I don't have contact with ther unless necessary. Also I wouldn't want my husband to take my children around her or to her house when I am not there, but the thing is they will be his kids as well and you cannot control that. That is the problem. When he makes another woman a part of his life, she becomes part of your life by force as well.

maclatunji: @nene1, did you just call another (hypothetical) woman a female dog? Please edit that.

Oops. I modified that. As you can see I have strong feelings about this topic.

I understand what you guys are saying. My mom said the same thing. She said there is not much you can do if your man comes loves another woman. It won't take away the pain. I think I would divorce him in that situation, but I really don't want to divorce though. A second wife and a mistress is not much of a difference to me. It is all a slap in the face. It is still your husband sleeping with another woman and worse he will be having kids by her. With a 2nd wife he just gives the other woman rights and she becomes a wife just like you. Even just thinking about polygamy makes me upset much less if it actually happened. I just don't think I can handle it.

It is not about not trusting your husband to treat you well. People change that is the problem. He can be treating all well until he starts to fancy some secretary at his job or some other woman he meets that makes him change towards you. Most men cannot be just between two women. I think I will just not even mention the topic at all with a potential husband. I don't want to appear too jealous to him. That might actually push him to do it so it could actually backfire. I know a Sengalese celebrity who was asked on TV how she felt about polygamy and she indirectly said she was too attractive to get a 2nd wife and guess what happens. Her husband marries again a few months after that interview. I think I will just make sure to protect my own money during marriage keep it separate from his, like no joint accounts. Many men use their 1st wife's money to build a house in Africa for their 2nd wives. The problem with polygamy in Africa is that the other women and her family will not leave you alone and will continue to use black magic on you and your children. It just brings unnecessary rivalry and drama into your life and it is hard to be at peace.

@ maclatunji:

How can you tell whether a man is going to be monogamous or polygamous? You don't know what can happen in the future. Maybe at that moment I ask he will say yes only you b/c he is having all those newly wed feelings and doesn't have it in mind or he might have it in mind and just tell me what I want to hear instead of telling me the truth. I am sure a lot of women feel shocked when their husband announces to them that he got a 2nd wife. Also I don't see what is wrong with making my husband to promise not getting another wife. I am not prohibiting him from anything that is FARD on him as a muslim so he will not be sinning by choosing monogamy. Either is halal. Also, it is not as if he could be coerced to do it. He has to choose to agree to it. Polygamy is very common among West African men as you know so I can't help but feel worried. I keep hearing so and so's husband just got another wife and my father himself has plans to do it in the future.

Salams all,

Is anyone aware of a polygamy clause one can put in a nikah contract having the husband agree to not get another wife? I have heard of it being done in some muslims countries. I think it has the husband agree to not get another wife and if he breaks the contract you are entitled to an automatic divorce if you choose to. I want to put it in my contract when I get married b/c I cannot bear to share my husband. I don't want a lecture about polygamy. I know it's halal and part of our religion but it is NOT FARD/Obligatory so save me that speech. I want to have it in there so that even if he does do it anyway, I can divorce him easily. Otherwise, it would be a long process for a woman to get a divorce. If he refuses to give me one than I have to go through a judge. A lot of women take up to years even for the judge to grant them a divorce. Polygamy is too much drama and fight and I would be miserable in such a marriage. Also I would be disgusted for him to touch me after being with another woman. However, what can bind him to that contract? I mean do you think it's worth it or a good idea? Should I even bring up the topic on polygamy with a potential husband? What if he wasn't considering it and my bringing it up brings his mind to it? Then again, he might be thinking of it and keep it to himself. I live in the U.S. which doesn't recognize Islamic law anyway so I don't think he can be bound to it anyway. It is something that scares me and if I can do something to prevent it I will. I am just afraid bringing it up with a potential spouse might actually make him think about it than if I didn't tell him anything. I just cannot bear the thought of sharing my husband. I don't know how the hell some women do it. I guess many of them don't have a choice and are trapped in the marriage, especially in Africa where society makes it so hard to get a divorce. Is it a valid reason to divorce your husabd b/c he married another wife? ALL the women with the exception of one I know that stay in those type of marriages are usually miserable especially if they are the 1st wife. Who wants to be in a mariage where another woman and her children come first? if he favors her over you, he will favor her children over yours as well. I don't want to play second best to another woman. I don't want to be in a marriage where another woman is more important to my husband than me b/c we all know he will ALWAYS have a favorite and it is usually the new wife.

I didn't fall for anything. I knew what she was getting at. I did nt criticize the ruling, but just stating my difficulty understanding some things.

I am kinda late to this topic. Anyway, polygamy is something that scares me as a want a simple drama free life. Among West African muslims, it is very common. Where I am from it is around 40-50% of marriages so there is a high chance I could be tested with this. I am not even against the idea as what can I do since it is part of my religion? The only thing that worries me is that many women who come into your marriage, will not come without a fight. All I care is that we live in separate homes and the man visits each of us and our children when he should and does what he is supposed to financially. I don't care if he favors her over me in his heart as I don't believe a man should be the be all and end all of your life. I would just make sure I treat him well to the best of my ability. I would not want much to do with the other wife. I think it is better to keep a distance and just have a cordial/polite relationship in order to prevent problems.

Anyway, it is just that in Africa, many 2nd wives come with the intention of getting rid of the first wife and give you and your children trouble. I just hope that if my future husband does decide to choose this path we have separate homes and he can afford 2 families (most men can't nowadays anyway). I could never live with another woman in the same roof and in Islam we have a right to separate accomodation. I cannot stand men who are already poor yet they marry other women and then force the women to live together b/c they cannot afford more than 1 household. Also, the problem with these other women is, they not only bring their rivalry towards you, but to your innocent children as well. Men need to think carefully when choosing another woman to add to his family. Though you should be attracted to the new woman, you should also consider her character as well and look for someone peaceful who will not bring drama into your home. Also, a man needs to make sure that HE is the one in control of things and not let one wife (usually the favorite) dominate things. You need to be a MAN in order to keep harmony among different women and families. You also have to remember it is more in-laws (another mother in law) to deal with. Another thing that worries me is what if he wants to take my children to see the other woman, especially if I am not present? They will be his children too so there is not much I can do about it. Can I trust her not to give my children something to eat? Some women get jealous at the love your husband shows your children forgetting that they are his too. I really hope my future husband decides to have me has the only wife b/c I don't want drama and war in my home. Plus, I will be disturbed by the fact that he is sharing his body with her and having intmate relations with her, and exchanging bodily fluids. How do I know what sort of sexual history she has? Who knows what in the world he could be doing with her in intimacy, but anyway I guess the best thing is to not dwell on it too much as it is a private matter between the both of them. I just can't help but to think of that part.

Polygamy also weakens the bond between you and your husband b/c another will be in the middle. Everytime you have a quarrel with him, he can easily go to her. There will be less privacy as he will be sharing his secrets and thoughts with her as well. Having another there makes it EXTRA harder than it already is to work on things bwtween you and your husband. Everything will be on a schedule. Who gets to go on vacation with him and when? What if you want to go to a public event together? Who goes? Or I guess you both can go. Any major decisions you have to may (for example, maybe where to live), who gets what say. Will he favor her in his decisions? Can he afford it? It makes it so much more difficult if he can't. This is not about being a gold digger, but the money needs to be enough otherwise the man would just spend most of his money on his beloved wife and neglect the others financially if he cannot afford to provide for them all.

@ OP: I am an unmarried sister, but I think that if I were to be put in such a situation, is that I would just worry about MY marriage and relationship with my husband. If your husband decides to make that decision, you still have to remember your marriage with him is separate from his marriage with her despite being married to the same man. I know it is hard as you will be indirectly linked to her through him, but it is still two separate marriages. Focus on YOUR relationship with him and do things that can strengthen your relationship and not push him towards her. I know at first you will be angry, but do not let him sense that b/c he will just go to her. She will be happy and loving as it is easier being the 2nd wife b/c they tend to ASSUME she would be the favorite. The man will go to where he is most at ease. The best thing to do is exercise patience, patience, patience. Never let him and especially not the other woman see you sad or angry. What she would hate is for you to continue in your marriage happily as if she doesn't exist. Give people the opposite reaction from what they would expect. Don't show people you are hurt. All they would d is rub it in. Do not give anyone that satisfaction. You can cry your eyes out when he is not there to get out the pain, but as long as he doesn't see it. That is how I would deal with it if my husband were to marry again. Also, make a lot of dua for ALlah to give you strength and patience to get through it and also that your husband marries a peaceful sister, is fair and respects both you and any potential new wife as women. Like I said worry about yourself and don't occupy yourself with the other sister.

Also, one more important thing, NEVER bring up the other wife to your husband. Do not talk about her to him. Don't let him think you are jealous of her or she is a threat to you. This will just make her seem more attractive to him. When it is your day, make things about YOU. By bringing her up, you are bringing the attention on her. the last thing you want to do when he is with YOU is to make him think about her, especially if she doesn't talk about you when she is with him. Do not make her relevant. Like I said your marriage is separate. To sum it up, the best way to deal with polygamy is to worry about your own marriage and Inshallah when Allah blesses you with kids, focus on bringing them up right and protecting them. In the end, people will only respect you, even your co-wife.

I learned all this from my 2 grandmothers, aunt, and cousins who were first wives who had very smart ways with dealing with co-wives. They are wonderful women and had STRONG marriages with their husbands despite other women being there. My grandmothers suffered very much especially due to favoritism their husbands showed their second wives, but they went through it well. The co-wives were just envious and couldn't do anything about them. Do not let another woman come and usurp you from your marriage. Otherwise, she will reap all the benefits of your hard work. Hope this helped. Sorry for the long post, but this is a very sensitive issue for me as I have witnessed first hand a lot of women in my family and mother's friends who had struggles in these marriages. I learned from them how to overcome it if I were to ever be put in that situation, which is very likely if I marry a muslim man from west africa.

toba: dont u think something is wrong with that?

That is the point of my confusion in the first place. It is a slippery slope. I don't want to criticize my religion but at the same time I feel like everything in Islam favors men. Well at least the INTERPRETATIONS Since I am not a scholar, I cannot say their INTERPRETATIONS are wrong, but we do have to keep in mind that most scholars are men and very very rarely a women. It says women of the "people of the book" are lawful to them which they interpret to mean Christian and Jewish women. Maybe someone who is more knowledgeable can explain that verse better to me. It is difficult for me to understand why muslim men are allowed to marry a non-muslim woman at all expecially when muslim women are not. I just don't get why children with a muslim father vs. muslim mother are more likely to turn out muslim when many of these muslim men with non-muslim wives almost never have muslim children. I have NEVER seen it personally. I wonder if some muslim men like to twist these verses so they can marry whoever they want. It is great for muslim men. You can marry up to 4 and she doesn't have to be muslim. So many options for them.

Oh no lol...Yeah I was trying to be careful not to sound like that. I can undertand why it is the man that is allowed to marry a non-muslim in a way I guess, but I just get jealous to see one of our muslim brothers with a non-muslimah lol....

What was so "dangerous" about the beginning of my post?

I don't understand why muslim men can marry non-muslim christian and jewish women while muslim women cannot marry non-muslim men. I am not saying I want to marry a non-muslim man as I want a husband who shares the same religion, but I have trouble understanding the partiality of this law. Whether the man or woman is not muslim, there is still a chance the children will not be muslim. It is a gamble with both so why is one ok and the other not? Actually the mother's influence is very powerful over the kids and she spends most of the time home with them. I know quite a few muslim men with non-muslim wives and NONE of those children turned out muslim, but that is just my experience. I have yet to see it. Anyway, I don't see why a muslim man would overlook all the muslim sisters and marry a woman who cannot teach his children anything about his religion. It just makes the marriage more difficult. I completely respect others religions but I think you add unncessary problems to a marriage by marrying someone of a different religion. There is not guarantee the other person will convert, and when they do many do it just to please the spouse and the in-laws. Many of these marriages with muslim men and non-muslim women usually end in divorce or the children do not become muslim. If a muslim man actually wants to pass on his religion to his kids, he should think carefully before marrying a non-muslim even though he is allowed. I do think a muslim guy should give priority to muslim sisters as we can only marry muslim men so our options are more limited. A muslim man marrying a non-muslim woman is one less husband for a muslim woman. We cannot marry a non-muslim man so it shrinks our marriage pool by muslim men choosing others. When I see a muslim man with a non-muslim woman, I can't help but wonder why he couldn't find ONE muslim woman to marry. Many of them just go by looks and sex when choosing a wife and don't think ahead when choosing a woman to marry. You have to remeber that the looks will fade and sex will get redundant after a while so you need other things to keep you together. Some men they just meet a pretty christian girl in college and they date, have sex, and do other haram premarital actions and their and then "falls in love" clouding his judgment. Then he decides to marry her. After the honeymoon period is over in the marriage, reality sers in. Also, men need to keep in mind that the qualities they want in the mother of their children when looking to marry. I can see why some muslimahs don't want to cover b/c they have to compete with all these non-muslimahs wearing these flashy and revealing clothes. They don't want to be overlooked.

I don't feel like a muslim guy has an excuse to marry a non-muslim woman as there is no shortage of muslim women. There is no charactersitic whether it is beauty or personality that you cannot find among the numerous muslim women in this world so why overlook them?

@ mogboymoya:

I can understand why you forgave him though I am someone who doesn't tolerate cheating. Plus it sounds like your husband only kiassed her and didn't actually have sex with her. Yes sometimes it is the other woman who seduces him. The thing is humans are not perfect and you cannot resist temptation 100% of the time no matter how pious you are. I would not forgive him if HE was the one who PURPOSELY sought out other woman. If it happened that she was flashing herself in his face and he gave in and before he realized it was too late, then maybe i could live with that However, if he does it AGAIN than I cannot forgive him as he should have learned his lesson the first time and know who to avoid such shameless females.

There are some women who want to destroy your marriage so they can get the man so you have to weigh all the pros and cons and the situation as to WHY he cheated before deciding whether to divorce him or stay. Some women out there are major biches and a lot of the time it is them who come after the man. However, i would expect the man to distance that female and cut off conntact with her if she starts to become inappropriate. I think a married man should limit his contact with the opposite sex in order to avoid falling into temptation. Don't meet that woman at work alone or in an area where it is easy for you to be intimate with that person. I would expect my husband to AVOID situations that could lead him to temptation.

kalufelix: @op ..And u expect me nat 2 screw for like 7months or so....like seriously?? *sighs n leaves d thread*

If you cannot control yourself, then never get married and commit to a woman. Besides, you can still have sex with a pregant woman. I think it is the later stages you can't do much. Anyway, that is my guess.

@ Lenny: I am glad to see men like that stil exist lol...I think the bad men get more attention than the good. Usually if you love someone, you will be too occupied with them to notice anyone else. The first time I saw my Dad cook was when my mom was pregnant. He was excited especially since he was the 1st boy. My cousin's husband wouldn't even let her walk down the stairs when she was pregnant. He would have a fit when he saw her do any chores.

kambili190: I must add something to this conversation.

Why do women accept anyone in their bad or as an affair who is married or in a relationship? These same women cry out the loudest when they are cheated on.

If men are easily to be tempted then it is our job not to tempt married men. If you decide to do so, know that the same can happen to you in your marriage.

EXACTLY. There are a lot of harlots out there who keep going after other women's husbands, especially if he has money. In alot of the cases the men do not go after the women, it is the women coming after them. There are a lot of secretaries who wear certain things or use juju to get their wealthy boss' attention. Many female coworkers are very flirtatious. We as women play a big part in how we are treated. Men cheat b/c we ALLOW them to. Women control how much sex men get. Men can cheat b/c there are biches who will wilingly sleep with a married man and women who will take the cheater back. Men can only get sex if we let them.

That is so true that women who go after other women's husbands tend to shout the loudest when it happens to them. I know a woman who is a 2nd wife, yet she was so shocked until they had to put her in the hospital when she found out her husband got a 3rd wife. She forgot she made the first wife go through that same pain when she was marrying her husband. I have so much hatred for women who go after others' husbands b/c they ruin people's homes. Even if the couple stays together, the pain and mistrust will always be there. You will leave a wound in their marriage.

A lot women put up with the cheaitng b/c they cannot leave the man. Many women, especially in non-Western countries are usually financially dependent on the man so have no choice but to stay in the marriage. They don't always stay b/c they forgive him, they stay b/c they CAN'T leave. In Africa especially, it is hard to get a divorce from your husband. Gosh, talking about these things make me not want to get married. If it wasn't for children, I wouldn't get married.

@ luckgames:

If your wife cheated on you with another man would you consider working it out?

@busybee:

I agree. Cheating=divorce for me as well. The reason why men continue to cheat is b/c they know every time they can sweet talk their way back. We make it too easy for them. How may men will take their wife or even girlfriend back if she cheats on them? This is why if a girl has the opportunity to become financially independent she should take advantage of that b/c men are not reliable. I would rather be a healthy and alive single mom and live for my kids than die from and STD my man gave me from sleeping with some bich. When you die, it's your loss and your children's loss. He will continue on his life with another woman and your children will have to live with a stepmother who might make life hell for your kids. I say f*** that. If more women started to take a stance against cheating, men will change their bahavior. You have to SHOW him how you want to be treated. By forgiving him for cheating, you show him that you tolerate it. YOU show him what you are going to take and not take from the beginning of the relationship. You need to have a backbone. Luckily I live in the U.S. so I will make sure to do a legal mariage.

I once was talking to a guy who was interested in me for marriage that I had to decline b/c I was not ready at the time (I was only 19 and not done with college) and there were things I didn't like about him. We had a conversation where I mentioned that cheating is the dealbreaker for me in a relationship and he sounded really surprised to hear that. He was like "really"? So I guess he assumed like many girls I would easily take him back after that. It also made me think he probably is a cheater. Most men cheat b/c they know you will still stay put.

It seems like sex doesn't even last that long so I don't know why some men are willing to risk their marriage to put their manhood inside some skank especially with all these diseases nowadays.

@ Onila: I agree. A lot of girls are quick to shut down the notion of being a virgin, especially if you are one waiting for marriage. I think a lot of them feel guilty about losing it and take it out on girls who have not made that mistake. Virgin remind them of what they SHOULD be. Most of us here are either Christians or Muslims, and in both religions premarital sex is wrong.

I normally don't discuss things like this with other girls to avoid jealousy. When we do happen to have conversations about men and it leads to the topic, I deflect the question. A lot them assume that you are trying to act holier than thou when you say you are a virgin so that is why I think it is something to keep to yourself since it is a private matter. I am only saying it on here b/c I am anonymous here, but in person, no one has an idea. The only one who will know is my future husband. It is a private matter.

@ ok...I understand what you mean. Well all I can say is good luck. I am too lazy to do the compromise required in a mixed cultural relationship. I guess I don't want to leave my comfort zone, but I can't deny that I also haven't been interested in other men. Anyway but hope it works out for you.

Btw, this guy is not already married. I would think someone his age would already have a wife and kids. If he has kids, they will give her a hard time.

lol...but they still don't match. Some older men can still look attractive, but still he is too old for her, but money talks. She must be special to him, b/c I have never seen an Indian guy marry an african woman. They rarely marry non-Indians and the rare time they do, it is a white person. But she is not your typical dark brown african anyway. She would be acceptable in the guy's family.

@ khia:

Online is not the best place to get advice. A 15 year old kid could be advising you for all you know. Have you ever dated an African guy? Why do you need people's advice anyway? If you meet one who likes you and you feel good about him, then give it a chance. Is what people going to say online going to change how you feel or what you do?

Right I thought so. Only reason why a young girl would marry a guy her grandfather's age.

If the indian guy and black girl were not different races, I would have thought she was his daughter. He must be rich. Indians rarely marry black people. The black girl here is very fair and even lighter than than the indian guy. I wonder if he would have married her if she was dark like the majority of sub-saharan africans. Indians have the same color issues black people have if not worse.

@ khia: Are you the same person who asked the same question about african men on the topix forum: http://www.topix.com/forum/afam/T35DG9D3AH6P33M1U

I didn't have time to read the posts, but I just thought it was interesting that this girl had the same name with the same question.

@ lefulefu: That's what I was thinking. Actually they are both unattractive.

What are you talking about tpia? Btw, I was just joking.

Lol..I know. It is annoying. Love is special and should be private. What goes on between you and your spouse should be a mystery to others. It makes love more special and sacred. I am old fashioned as well. Plus you should protect yourself from bad eyes. You shouldn't display your love in public like that for all to see. You don't need to prove it to anyone. You can just sit next to your spouse and chat with them in public. Our African parents don't to that and their marriages last for a lifetime. I have never seen my parents display any public sign of affection but I have no doubt that they love each other. Sometimes a lot of those people are fake and like the attention. Like you said, otherwise the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. Love is more than just hugs, kisses and the physical aspect. I feel like it has been reduced to the physical aspect which can get boring after a while so you need something deeper to keep you together.

B/c young white men who are not losers can get white women. With the exception of black men, all men prefer women from their own race and background than anyone else. I guess some white men wonder why get a black woman when I can easily get a white woman. The older white men have less options. However, even older white men who are not desperate and have some money can get a young white girl. Those old white men chasing poor african girls are usually lower class whites. Some of them think any person with white skin is wealthy so they throw themselves at these white guys who take advantage of this fact.