₦airaland Forum

I'd say the definition of feminism varies depending on who's defining it. But the most important one is that no one sex or group of people is more important than the other. Another is that no systematic oppression of a group of people--as is the case for many women in different parts of the world--should be encouraged or practiced.

I wouldn't mind keeping my last name. Or joining it with my husband. I know a friend who only had sisters and no brothers and they all decided to keep their name since they didn't want to get rid of it when they all got married.

Well, here's a site that's got some shirts about naija:  www.irepnow.com

Well, all that glitters is not gold. Sometimes you see really beautiful people and you're like hmnnnn but then the minute they open their mouth, it's like hmn-hmn!
It's not enough to be good looking. That's just for the initial attraction. If you want to hold and keep these girls' attention, you gotta have something more, i.e. a nice, (smooth) personality, humor, or just something concrete. (Assuming you're not going after gold-diggers).

I don't have a preference. I don't think sex/gender determines what makes a good boss. It's the personality. I've had both bad and good bosses in both sexes. so now, I just hope for really good people until I never have to work for anyone again.

I am not a supporter of wild generalizations, so I will add to the "Girls in Yankee are not lonely" chorus.

I remember when my sisters and I were younger and my father told us that he only wanted us to date (and eventually marry) Naija  men.
We looked at him, looked at each other and started laughing. Partly cause we lived in an area that had about .0001% Naija males. (Not to mention that we were already dating non-naijas, although he didn't know it).  He said "I am serious o. And if I have to, I will go to Naija myself and bring men for you to marry." LOL
Although my father doesn't take it as seriously as some, I think this might be the case for some Naija females (and their parents). I think there's stronger pressure on the females to keep within their culture and race than for males.

Personally speaking, the only problem I've come across with the very few Naija males I've interacted with is those that think they can get away with mistreating a fellow naija or african babe because it is the "African thing" to allow your man to mistreat you. (Gawd forbid bad thing!). Of course, they will not try the same nonsense with other Chicas/women from other races or cultures.
Naturally, no one wants to be forced to accept mistreatment, especially if you grow up in Yankee where you don't have to keep quiet or accept it when your guy's mistreating you.  So these guys will scream that "you're doing shakara" or "letting being in Yankee go to your head". This happened to a friend of mine and I'll say it's the closest I've come to any bad behavior from a Naija guy. Besides this, though, I've never had any bad experiences with Naija males in the past. But again, there's no reason to be lonely in the U.S. (unless you choose to be). I mean even if you're an ugly duckling, you will still find someone   (na joke I dey joke o).

I don't like piercings on a guy. I think it's unattractive. I don't like tatoos on a guy either, but I can tolerate it.

I hate it when all you want to do is dance and a guy is hitting on you and you've clearly shown that you're not interested (either they're not attractive or you've got a man at home)

I hate the grinding. I mean I love a guy who can dance but grinding is not dancing, abeg.

Hate having to wash my hair continuously to get the smell of cigarette (and sometimes weed) out of it.

Nna, I would never marry anybody who would do something like that. I know some people change after marriage, but you usually get hints about things like this if you pay close attention.

I mean, a fair-minded individual like say, Seun, for example will not do something like that and think they'll get away with it. There are honorable men who live by the golden rule: Do to others what you wouldn't mind be done to you. You gotta pick your man wisely, especially one you plan to spend the rest of your life with.

beebop:
@ davidylan it will be interesting to note what your reaction will be like when your wife insists you do your own share of the cooking one day!

umm, what is wrong with that, Assuming that you are joint breadwinners, what's wrong with joint homemaking? Abi, women are dogs?

does the lower rate of divorce (if that is accurate) mean that the marriages in naija are happier, I think not, women are just conditioned to stick out unhappy marriages for fear of being stigmatized! Times change hon, I'd much rather be divorced (there, I said it!) than stay in a marriage in which the guy took it in his head that he was somewhat mentally superior to me in the name of submission bla bla bla

And yes, women are equal and I'm a proud feminist (which does not mean I hate men, quite the opposite, can't seem to get away) , beat me up!

Me sef, I dey wonder, ehn. What is wrong with a man cooking?  Some men cook better than 10 women put together sef. I mean, there is nothing sexier than a man who is self-sufficient not to mention the type that will put a woman to shame in the kitchen .

hmmmnnnn
My, there are some assumptions and wrong conclusions being drawn from this discussion, though understandable as some people can be passionate about their views. But I hope it will not take away from the discussion, sha.

I didn't grow up with a submissive mother/parent, my mother is a very independent individual and my parents are still together. When two people mutually respect each other and understand each other, they learn how to compromise without belittling their partner.
There's a common misperception that NOT BEING SUBMISSIVE=ARROGANCE or a woman being in control. This is, of course, false.

@ Seun, thanks, but you might need to look a little further for those "honest men", cause I am a woman (in every sense of the word). Or maybe if I am feeling up to it, I will tell them to come register on nairaland or something, haha. But I am sure there are lots of honest men on nairaland.

@ prince_onx, I feel like we're going 'round in circles, LOL,  so I'll have to leave it there.

@ Prince_onx

I'm glad you made your point a little clearer. Nobody should be forced to accept other people's idea of "happiness", i.e. happiness=marriage or vice versa.

prince_onx:
if you have a reason! just one reason why you're not married or chose to be single, then its because of that (reason) not because you want to! be it your success, independent, want to be alone, name it! they are the reason why you made that choice.

With this quote, however, we still seem to be miscommunicating. How can anyone conclude that it is not what they want? For example, you wrote, "BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE ALONE" and then you wrote, "NOT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO".

How can someone who "wants to be alone" not want to be alone/single? or if marriage is truly not that important to an individual how do we conclude that it's "what they really want"? If you have had bad experiences with marriages in the past (i.e. through your parents) or you have never had anything positive mentally associated with marriage, or have the impression that it's not a significant part of life, WHY WOULD YOU WANT IT?

prince_onx:
Like you said mentality of marriage is more of a societal structure, personal experience, parental influence, culture, and all that so why is success taking the place of all that? why is the western style if I may call it that taking the place of our culture? why do our women want to be like the western women? how many western women want to be like our cultural women? We want/like to copy the westerners (divorce after 10yrs is aweson) its working for then! its hell for us but still we want to be like them.

I don't have all the answers to these questions, but I will say that considering our past and history, the natural progression will be "a western type" of marriage as you put it. I do not uphold the African (or Naija) style marriage as the ideal marriage system. Partly because what we have is a society that is hellbent on preserving marriage regardless of whether or not people are truly happy. You have a culture that forces individuals to smile and grin through miserable marriages. That is not something that can continue for a long time. Initially, this was also the case in the West for many years. Eventually, people will get tired of this. And like you correctly pointed out, many women are already rebelling against this and prefer to choose "western type" lifestyle so to speak.

There are many reasons why "western type" marriages fail. We should not conclude that it is because women have more freedom or because of 50-50 marriages.
However, we should look at several factors. For example, what is the basis for some marriages in the West? How many people get married for frivolous reasons and then end up divorcing once they get tired of their spouse?
Who's to say that--unlike the west where marriage is not a do or die affair--that people in naija will not be divorcing left and right if the social stigma is absent? Do you know how many women who are continuously abused, and cheated on by their husbands still choose to stay because of this "do or die" mentality? Do you know that in the west women are more likely to get a divorce in such a marriage?

prince_onx:
How in the world does submission make you inferior? submission doesn't mean you don't have oppinion or right in the house! it does not make your partner more important or more successful than you! men submit to their wife and wife to their husband.

Historically speaking, and in the context of Naija and Africa at large, "submission" is meant to mean that one person's opinion or idea (usually the male) carries more weight than the other (the female). And that one person is more important than the other. As long as neither individuals are arrogant, and both understand each other, the union should be fine, which is something you seem to be describing, but realistically speaking, that's not what "submission" means.

prince_onx:
I think your question is very clear to the extent that what you're looking for (answers) is in it! Like you said/asked, those women CHOSE not to submit because they were raised to go for what they want or raised to be independent women! thats a good reason not to get married as for as they are concern but is that what they really want? NO! its like thats the only choice for peace/respect in their life. These same women will love to get married if they meet a man that will deal with all that! she's a Boss at her job so she's used to passing intruction at work so its also OK at home! she was raised as an independent lady so my oppinion at home don't count cux she was raised like that! common now! and talking about 50/50 is really not an issue atleast both make about the same amount or share about the same idea! The word Successful here is those that make way way more money than their boyfriend or those that will like to marry them!
Passionate about this? Not really! I just feel sorry for a whole lot of girls that think that way! putting your success before your happiness all in the name of being raised like that! or looking for Mr equal everything! sitdown dey wait he's on his way!

Thanks for your reply. While you have answered my question I notice an assumption in your post which is that everybody is born to want to get married or that everybody is born to see marriage blissfully. There's nothing innate in us that tells us that we HAVE TO get married (to be happy) or that marriage will make us happy. While it is true that majority of people does/want to/choose to get married, this mentality is more of a societal scructure one based on our personal experiences, parental influences, cultural, and etc,

Now when you say

prince_onx:
Like you said/asked, those women CHOSE not to submit because they were raised to go for what they want or raised to be independent women! thats a good reason not to get married as for as they are concern but is that what they really want? NO! its like thats the only choice for peace/respect in their life. These same women will love to get married if they meet a man that will deal with all that!

I agree with you so a certain extent. That is, if women who see marriage as 50-50 meet like minded individual, they will most likely want to get married, assuming every other circumstances is alright. But then you wrote:

prince_onx:
she was raised as an independent lady so my oppinion at home don't count cux she was raised like that!

This leaves me a little confused. If some women are raised--or through personal experiences--to understand marriage to be of little significance or an activity that they can do without, why then would they look forward to it happily or think it will make them happy when they get married?  You seem to be saying that as long as you're married you'll be happy.
But if we know that "MARRIAGE IS HAPPINESS" is a mentality that is heavily influenced by our personal experiences, society, and parentage etc. how can we conclude that someone who believes that marriage is not significant or significant enough to "submit" yourself or make yourself inferior to someone else is depriving themselves of happiness? If they are in a union where they feel inferior to their partner, do you think they will be "happy" in that marriage simply because "at least they're married?" We can't wave off parental influences or how we grow up. Different people have different ideas about what marriage is and should be. And if these people have decided that they'd prefer to not get married rather than "submit" or compromise themselves, their ideas, and beliefs, simply because the marriage instituion is not significant enough, who are we to judge?

prince_onx:
Thats exactly what we're talking about! just take a look at this topic! before we talk one una don talk ten! men this men that! as if all men are the same? nobody here is saying SOME men or even MOST men! Do you girls of today think you're smarter than our mothers that submitted to our fathers? do you think you work harder than them? or more successfull than them? how many of you will like to see your mum shouting or passing intructions to your dad because she brings more money home? or when you dad say red instead of suggesting blue she insist or instruct it to be blue? Listen sisters its going to be even worst than what it is now in future if you guys don't slow down! equal right sh**t or 50/50 whatever name you call it! is going to hurt most of you! The bitter truth is no man want to marry any woman that matches head for head with him, shoulder for shoulder, world for world, help me out you girls know the names! all that! NO!! even some guys that think they're westernized so its no big deal! some are going through HELL at home but are too proud to say a word outside. I know some people are waiting to crucify me over all I just said but heeey do what you got to do! hopefully my helmet and bullet proof will help but thats my own oppinion. Most girls especially in early 20s or younger will run their mouth on me but run it from Jerusalem to Jericho and back its is the truth! Some older once might have tried all that equal sh**t and realized that they are scaring the men off and backed up! Look at our western 50/50 world and the type of marriages and relationships they're into! separation and divorce is like cutting steak while jumping from one relationship to another is like flipping chanels! but all well! and folks please stop that some successful women CHOSE not to be married nonsense cux its not true! you don't know what they're going through!

LOL. My, you seem very passionate about this.
But let me ask why you concluded that to remain marriageless is not a choice for some. For example, in the case of a woman who has been raised to be independent and to always go after what she wants, and that to consider herself "below" anyone is an insult to herself, what makes you think that she will not choose to not marry? Now I am talking about people who--similar to how some men are raised to think they should "dominate"-- you have women who have been raised to believe, that they should not "submit" to anyone or feel "inferior" to anyone, that is, they are equal to all. What makes you think she will not be happier to forgo marriage in the absence of a 50-50 union? Or if she thinks that since marriages are less reliable anyway, she shouldn't even bother?

Well, your friends are people who care about you and who at least try to be there when you need them. I have a few friends that I've grown up with and friends from college. These are friends that I have strong bonds with and I don't really think I need to make any more. I still make friends but I I don't usually plan on having any stong bonds with them, i don't think.  It might sound selfish, but I sometimes try to make acquainances strategically. Meaning, I'd hang out with people I think have connections and wouldn't might "hooking me up" if I need something in the future. (It's not very sincere, I know, LOL)
I also like that I have friends who are just really different and unique in their own way, you know, like the ones you can just call up and they'll be down for anything, even to go climb Mount Everest, or something, LOL. Or the one that's always there to advice you when you're about to do something stupid or the enabler, who rarely criticizes you. Or the one that's always competing with you and even though you both know it, you pretend like you don't.  
I don't think you need many friends though. Just a few good ones, but I'd say having a good amount of "acquaintances" would help create networking and opportunities that might otherwise not be available to you.

To answer your question, I'll say there are various reasons why successful women don't/choose not to marry. A few being that some don't see the point, especially if you're abroad and almost half of marriages end in divorce anyways. They choose to forgo all the hassles, while keeping their check book intact.
Being successful doesn't mean you'll become arrogant. However, if you're the type of woman who's used to telling people what to do, maybe you're the CEO/president of your company or something, and you've worked hard all your life to get to where you are, understandably, you won't want to be "submitting" to anyone, especially if it means in an undignified manner.
Yes, some women also try to marry people who are financially on their level, contrary to men who usually don't mind "marrying down" financially, so to speak.
There are also women out there who are raised to see success as being more important than marriage, because marriage is less reliable. So they focus more attention on being successful.

Chxta:
Sorry, the songs are gone unless you can get your hands on the other laptop,

Choi. Thanks Chxta.

My sister's laptop started having some problems and she took it to tech support at her school. They lent her another laptop to use for a few months while they were working on hers. It was during this time that I got my Ipod and started downloading songs through I tunes. Well, she eventually returned the laptop to get hers back. Now I assumed that songs were safe as long as they were on my ipod. But when I started downloading from I tunes again on the new laptop, I lost all my old songs

My question is, does anyone know if it is possible to retrieve my old songs and if so, how?
Thanks in advance for your help.

NO, would want to go


Ever flirted your way out of a speeding ticket?Don't know if this has been posted and too lazy to read everything,

nferyn:
Why must you think that atheists don't believe in anything? Atheists believe in lots of things, only not in the existence of a supreme being. What you believe in is not really a choice, but rather a consequece of what your life's experiences. I couldn't start believing in a god if I wanted to.

I guess I should express myself clearer, LOL. I didn't mean that atheists don't believe in anything but that most people believe in some form of higher power.

nferyn:
What you believe in is not really a choice, but rather a consequece of what your life's experiences.

I understand what you're saying and I agree with you, but I think we still have a choice in the matter. Based on some of my past experiences, I'd say I have a fair enough justification not to believe in a deity.  Besides being used many times by supposed believers and being scared into believing in God since I could understand my language, ("every wrong thing you do will send you to hell", they tell me  )
I've also encountered instances that almost convinced me that God couldn't exists. I know people who just hate religion because they've been abused by it in one form or the other. And who can blame them? When something oppresses you or doesn't make sense to you, then you have to turn away from it. When it's all said and done, though, I'd say it would be unfair for me to disregard the instances in my life where God has shown me that he or she exists. I can say that because, like you said, I have those positive experiences. My approach to religion is to define my own beliefs and disregard those that seem too flawed or hard to swallow, or just plain oppresive. I guess you can call it a case of not throwing out the baby with the dirty water, so to speak, LOL.
But though we are influenced by personal experiences, ultimately, what we do with them is our choice.

Ol' boy the answer to your question is simple. If you found out that your wife has been having an affair with another man and you have no problem with it or you know you would have no problem allowing your wife to go out and have her "fun" with other men whenever she gets bored with you, then it's all good. But if you think you're the only one entitled to spice up your life with a new **ssy, but your wife should not get the same privilege, then 'ol boy, your head no dey house. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Good luck. 

And yes, polygyny might have been part of Naija's past but it doesn't make it okay, nor does it mean the past should not be changed. Maybe you and your wife should look into having an open marriage, like Jada and Will Smith. Although I'm not sure if that was part of her plan when she married you. At least you'll both be fair and honest with each other.  Good Luck again.

Hmnn, to be honest, it's hard to say, especially if I'm really into the guy. I'd like to think I'm very tolerant but I'd want to know why the guy decided to be an atheist, since most people believe in something. Then we'll take it from there.

I am cosigning to what davidylan wrote. Truth is, there is no excuse for what we have now in Naija. We are one of the most lucky groups of people in the world and yet remain at the lowest level in society. We don't have the natural disasters that other regions around the world face, we have resources in abundance to allow our citizens to live decently. Yet, most of our citizens continue to suffer because of those that's got the populace under their thumbs. Understandably this can deal a heavy blow to feelings of patriotism. People are frustrated because they know that man was never meant to live the way we do in naija. I think there's more than a billion reasons to be negative about Naija and the real question should prolly be :Why are Nigerians Positive about Naija? Having said this though, there are many people out there who are still hopeful about the country.

mochafella:
No shaking, one sampling and the rest of the harem will be rendered homeless.

LOL
Kai! men and "big man" talk sha. I hope sey u no be one of those men who talk big and no even fit do the thing proper sef, LOL. But you're persistent. so I go put in application for you for my harem 

diddy4dt:
true talk, i don't no everything but i praise good comments.

this is all i want for people to say something for or against what i said, not coming to insult me.

i understand what u said but how are the ladies to know who is a hypocrite. u know we guys always appear to be so nice at first and nothing will give our intentions away so easily. so how will they know?

I'm no "Love doctor", LOL, so I can't give a um, "hard fast" rule for what to look for to know if people are hypocrites or if they're genuine.  I think that's part of something you learn as you get older. And once you know yourself, you'll know the kind of people who are on your level, even if they're acting or pretending. Most of the time, we usually befriend people who are similar to us, anyways.
Personally speaking, though, I think it's important to build a strong relationship with someone even before bringing up the issue of sex. When you meet someone that you gel with and you're both really into each other, and you understand each other, you've taken the time to get to know each other, you're comfortable around each other and all that good stuff, and eventually it'll just feel natural to take it to another level. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as it's a mutual decision. I hope that helps.

Although, I don't support anybody insulting anyone, I understand where Sage is coming from. 
Claiming that when a female has sex with a guy, she will lose respect, she is worthless, and blah blah sounds a bit immature and insults every female's intelligence.

First off, I'll say that I don't think you should be having sex until you're mentally prepared and responsible to handle it. But once you've decided that you want to, it's your choice. More importantly, who you decide to have sex with is also your choice.   A lady who knows herself and who knows what she wants will not sleep with some hypocrite who after enjoying her body wants to tell her that she's worthless or undeserving of respect. That's just stupid and that's assuming that every woman is stupid enough to do something like that.
Most responsible ladies are intellegent enough to look for somebody who's on their level and is not judgemental and hypocritical. What's more is the underlying claim that the only reason a woman has sex is to please a man. Good Lawd! I thought this myth was already discredited 

So this idea that every man will think you're a slut and will not respect you once you've had sex with him is not only false but does little justice to the good men out there. When you're with an intelligent and decent human being, whether or not you've had sex has no baring on the amount of respect they show you.

I've seen and been around some really bad mothers, so if a woman doesn't think she can take proper care of the child and that the father can provide better for it, there's nothing wrong in letting him raise it. If it's for vicious reasons like "I will get back at him!" or something similar, then of course, it's unfair to the child if the father is a bad parent.