₦airaland Forum

Ziggylady:
Go open a thread against them first if you are serious like you did this one.

I assure you that I would have done this if I felt they are the more guilty party. My data data over time suggests otherwise.

I know, and have met with smarter ndi'gbo than have commented so far. So if they visit and provide evidence to the contrary, I will be happy to speak to my own kinsmen too.

BTW , I have on occasion challenged Yoruba bigots. Can you say you have done the same to Igbo bigots??

Xander85:
Na so! Because he doesn't have something better to do with his time this morning abi?

Don't you think that makes you and him look stupid? Why comment on an issue sans facts, and them say you're too busy to get the facts? Why not wait till evening or wherever you have the facts?

Ziggylady:
You should therefore stop whinning and complaining...You either caution everyone including your Yoruba kins as well or keep quiet..

Being hypocritical will only make a bad situation worse.

And what exactly makes you think I have never cautioned my kinsmen? Don't be lazy, use your Search button.

Jasen1:
One bottle of O Mpa for you with well ganished Nkwobi

Hold on with the nkwobi for a second. If you want to be sincere, rather than playing for likes, try to get DATA to establish your view. Try the experiment I suggested in my response.

I will overlook abuses if I deem the poster's IQ to be lower than I can work with.

For those acusing me of hypocrisy, it's a fair accusation. In response, I need you to do something for me. Pick 10 examples of threads that became war zones in terms of tribe-bashing. Use the three metrics I suggested above (the questions) to assess them.

If, after that exercise, you still feel I am a hypocrite, I will respond more directly tp the allegation.

Given our history, the dismal state of affairs everywhere in the country, and the propensity of the Nigerian mind to play the blame game, we can't feign surprise that some individuals resort to tribalism and bigotry at the slightest opportunity.

There are bigots from all across Nigeria. This isn't news. As always though, I am concerned by patterns which I will leave you to discern for yourselves from two threads below. The subject of the more recent thread is a disaster in the South-Western part of the country. After noticing the usual responses, I went searching for the most recent thread on a similarly negative report from the East.

In each case, please determine for yourself:

i. The rapidity with which the discourse degenerated into tribe-bashing.
ii. The number of likes for overtly bigoted or tribalistic comments from various tribes.
iii. "Who started it"

The threads:

1. https://www.nairaland.com/4645844/oau-students-trapped-following-downpour
2. https://www.nairaland.com/4644788/deplorable-state-school-enugu-despite

Edit: my attention has been drawn to the existence of an older thread on flooding in Onitsha. Even though it is clear that tribalistic posts on that thread were less popular (if we go by the metric of likes), its existence does detract somewhat from my initial argument, and may render whatever follows a pissing contest.

Considering the above, I'm editting my initial call (if you're curious, I'm sure it lives on through respondents who quoted me ). I'm now challenging intelligent Yorubas and Igbos to please take a more vocal stance against overt tribalism from their kinsmen. The Igbos should caution their kinsmen, and the Yorubas should likewise call theirs to order.

There is nothing funny about tribalism. It may make for witty or snarky quotes, but the hatred it feeds is real.



*** If you are going to contribute on this thread, please keep the language civil. Thank you.

ExtraExtra:
...YES i said she should put my name only cos she belittled and betrayed me which tells me if it was in both our names she will raise shoulder and feel above me.YES i requested for transfer and i will go through with it, i cannot be away from my kids and still be in the same state, it doesnt make, when it is sucessful, i will get a place conducive amd comfortable for my kids, they will be with me. I told her recently not to bother with the name change anymore, she can have the house all to herself for all i care.

I wont divorce her because i dont believe in that , once i move with the kids she can come along if she wants but right now we are seperated. I wanted a partner, she displayed stupidity not smartness, what the future holds i dont know, she made her bed she should lay on it.

As one of your wife's harshest critics on the other thread, I feel compelled to weigh in.

I still stand by my surmise that your reaction stemmed from a sense of betrayal, but I now see that she wasn't solely responsible for that "betrayal". You are both victims of the dynamics created when wife earns more than husband (or comes from a wealthier background) in a patriarchal society.

It is very easy for a man in that situation to feel emasculated, just as it is easy for the woman to step out of line. While the man's subsequent overreaction will be blamed on pride, the truth is that his self-worth rides on that pride. I can't blame the woman in that situation for stepping out of line, just as I can't blame the husband for occasionally overreacting. That's just how it is in your type of marriage. You both have to find ways of curbing the excesses.

So, who's the blame for this currrent brouhaha? I'm now apportioning the bulk of the blame to you.

Your wife erred in having her name alone on the deeds, and I understand your overreaction when you found out. Arising from the aforementioned dynamics, I can imagine how nasty her words might have been to make you explode that way, but still, I am worried that you were capable of asking her to pack out of the house over *her* suspicion of *your* infidelity.

Your wife started it, but I still cannot justify your actions.

If you think your marriage is worth salvaging:

1. Your wife should apologize for making herself sole owner of the property.
2. She cannot, and should NOT have your name solely on the deeds. Why should she? I understand that this will make you feel emasculated. Well, deal with it.
3. If you are both interested in the marriage, then consider transferring ownership to the kids under a tight legal framework that protects her from any future fits of anger. There will be more, trust me. Not necessarily because you are evil, but because of the dynamics at play.
4. Apologize to your wife for asking her to leave the house, and for your subsequent actions. Explain how deeply her words hurt, but still, the buck stops at your desk on this one. Apologize.
5. Don't be a dog in the manger. You either want your marriage, or you don't. People hate the term "divorce" but they are willing to be divorced in all but name. IF you can't live with you wife and can't stand her, free her to live her life. If you still want her, act like a responsible man, not a wounded kid. Reach out, settle this matter. Own up where you've been wrong, and get her to do same.

After that, go and sin no more

cc: Heseesall

Biglittlelois:
Does it really matter if she is online or offline this thread is close to page 30, do you expect her to answer each and every questions asked she can choose to reply or not and she may also be online to read more opinions, why are you so worked up on that you are taking it personal, typical of a man!!!

Comprehension 101.
Online => she came to the Internet to ask for advice.
Offline => she could have left her problem off the Internet (in this case, Nairaland home page).
What manner of person runs somewhere agitated, seeks for advise, and then disappears when the adviser asks for clarification?
Worked up? Not at all.
But yes, I did have a lot of time on my hands today.
Ends now.
Bye.

Biglittlelois:
But oga, why are you monitoring her online presence, you're stalking her already, maka why?

Because she came online and specifically asked for advice. She gave a version of the narrative that favored her.Then she clammed up just after the questions got tough. So I wondered if she'd simply left the thread, or had simply lost appetite to respond.

If she didn't want strangers asking questions, she could have stayed offline. Besides, she can simply say when the questions are too personal.

As to whether she has better things to do: why don't you read through her posts and decide if that sounds like someone for whom this is a side show?

MarieSucre:
Yes, she was wrong to do that. But maybe she has seen something we don't know...

You're demonstrating the full repertoire of annoying female tricks tonight, God bless you.

The one you did above is a classic: Refuse to admit wrongdoing, then, when faced with irrefutable evidence, make a quick and shallow attempt at an apology, but quickly follow up with a silly justification. Don't you and your ilk realize that this negates the "apology' or admission of guilt?

MarieSucre:
"But obviously..." How do you know that the BUT OBVIOUSLY HAPPENED. It's you that is forming ideas from thin air claiming comprehension guru.

Thin air? Please. That appears to be your forte.

I said "obviously" because I have, out of curiosity, followed op's visits here. She has been online half a dozen times, and stopped contributing when the questions got piercing. Clearly because they would not favor her narrative. Oh, how do I know she comes here? Because she obviously created this personae just for this thread.

Comprehension guru I am not, but you can certainly learn a thing or two about deductive reasoning from me.

MarieSucre:
I'm not justifying her actions but you know what Nigerians say about when God uses some situations expose somethings about your friends or spouse that you never knew. Well, God has just done it for her.

Ha madam, no no no no. Marriage shouldn't work like that. Women make this mistake so often: so many of you think that the mere passage of time makes a transgression less bad. No ma. There is absolutely no way to clean up her deceit.

Now what does it matter what they were quarreling about that justifies him telling her to get out with their children.

What is the quarrel was about her cheating? By the way, from her own words, he never asked the kids to leave! She herself concluded that asking her to pack out meant she and her kids would be homeless. I'm not saying he was right on that count, but what if it was due to infidelity?

Acidosis:
How did you arrive at this?

Me sef I tire o. So many people projecting their own insecurities and resentment.
The irony is, as I have pointed out repeatedly, op keeps sneaking online (last seen 8.08 pm) but refuses to answer questions that will no doubt prove her guilt. All this while her advocates are going to town with all manner of conjectures.

I care about this case because so much wrong advice has been given for this woman to torpedo her own marriage.

MarieSucre:
You're acting on the premise that they built it together even tho, she clearly said that he used his to take his father for treatment abroad and also bulk his father a house.

Okay now that you have found that it was her share of the profit that built their family Josie what do you advice her?

She never said her share built the house!
She said she bought the land. But obviously, hubby spent vastly more on the project, else he wouldn't see it as his.
Comprehension 101! Sheesh.

MarieSucre:
Uncle there is going mistake and bad mistake. I Just imagine she never made this mistake, that is how the man will just throw her out with the children, who are also his. Uncle stop making excuses for the guy. it's God that just saved her.

Who is trying to justifing horrible behavior here? Good mistake? Or do you mean good betrayal?
Long ago when everything was great between them, she made a decision to deceive her husband. She agreed that he could spend money to treat his seriously ill dad, and that they could spend the balance on a property. But she used only her name, and hid the fact from him for years . I have little qualms believing that such a woman can cheat on her hubby.

Now years later, after a serious fight caused by something she's apparently ashamed to admit, her self-described "good man" asked her to pack out in anger. And you're using that to justify her years-old betrayal?

Jeez.

dipoowo:
I TOTALLY DISAGREE.

Even if the husband contributed to it, he cannot be the sole owner or have only his name on the documents.

The lady " @HEseesall" new who his husband was from the beginning. Greedy yet callous and selfish.
That Dude cannot eat his cake and have it.

Ire O.

Greedy, yet callous and selfish?
People rush to judge based on incomplete information.
Do you know how much the land cost? Do you know how much the hubby spent in all on the house? How much did Op spend?
Do you know why a man whom the OP herself, after all this, describes as a "good man" asked his wife to leave the house? Do you know if she cheated on him? Do you even know if the kids are his? Does it not bother you that Op has refused to answer all these questions?

And yet, you know he is callous and selfish. You must be a mentalist* sir.

What I believe (Op should feel free to correct me) is that the husband spent the lions share of the cost of building. He's proud enough to be bothered by the fact that the family house is not his. What would give him the right to think that way but the fact that he spent such a large share of the money to build the house that he sees it as completely his?

* I hope you know this is not an insult. Sarcasm, yes, but not an insult.

My parting (I hope) shot is however to Op. I notice you keep on slipping online, but refuse to answer the questions of the more discerning ones among us.

Madam, I have no business advising you on whose name should be on the deeds to your house. That one is entirely in your collective hands.

What I know with increasing certainty (given your silence) however is that you have betrayed your man's trust. I think you know it, and it gnaws at you. I think it bothered you from time to time over the years, as he spent his life savings building on a land that you secretly bought in your own name. I believe that as frictions arose in your marriage, you began to see that fact as a joker you could play anytime things went south. Now the stuff has hit the fan, you pulled the joker. But rather than a feeling of satisfaction, you feel empty. Although you cling to the excuse that he angrily asked you to leave (for reasons you are too ashamed to state here), a part of you realizes that you have played this man.

Your next steps are entirely up to you, but know this: just as some of us see through your ruse, there's a God (per your own beliefs) who sees you, and who will not fail to judge. The issue is not the property; the issue is that of sincerity and trust.

* I cannot, in any way justify your hubby's attempt to chase you out of the house, but I stayed off that topic entirely because I'm old enough to know when someone is not being forthcoming with the full story.

crackhaus:
... it's that obvious and I must be nuts if I'm the only one sensing this.

Oh, you're not nuts. Far from it, in fact.
I was looking forward to the Op answering some of the questions already posed, but she's maintained a studious silence, even though she's come online a number of times. This too tells me something (unless "She's" a Nollywood producer after all )

Demure1:
Gberudani, I am happily married read my previous posts to get a better view of my marriage.

Are you married ?, because if you are also responsibly married you would know that if the table were turned and she used her own resources to help her family there's no way the man will put only her name on the document like he is imposing right now.

She said joint the man refused and said he wants only his name there and am sure no sensible person will agree to that rubbish.

This is not just about whose name is on the deed, and I'm surprised that you as the head of a household cannot see that.

This seems to be a man who feels betrayed because a woman he trusted so deeply is capable of such subterfuge.

And by the way, I'm surprised that you cannot see she's withholding information from us. Is it not clear to you that the information she has failed to provide would appear to be those that would justify her hubby more than her?

As per the part in bold font above, don't you think you're oversimplifying? She said they both built the house. What makes you think any reasonable man (as per your question) would refuse to acknowledge his wife on a jointly-funded project just because she spent money on her ailing dad while he bought the land? So why should she fail to do same? I cannot understand your defence at all.

To every man his own, but if you simplify it to just a question of whose name is on the deed, you're guilty of gross oversimplification.

Edit: I have indeed seen a previous post of yours, and realize you're a woman. I bid you good day.

Demure1:
Yes they had plans but he went and used his money to build a house for his family like she doesn't have parents too abi?.

Dalerudaleru. Are you married?

She gave the impression that hubby's parents were in dire need. She never suggested that hers were.
If you are responsibly married, then you should know that while striking a balance in terms of expenditure on the two sets of in-laws can be hard, when one side has a dire need, the burden doesn't get transferred only to the spouse from that side.

She never gave the impression in her write-up that she was against spending on the hubby's family at that point. Her view (a very selfish one!) was that the burden for treating hubby's father and making them more comfortable should be borne by him alone. This lady has been selfish and calculating for a very long time.

I will hold that view till she provides additional information.

HEseesall:
...Pls i need other advise to go about this, he is a good man but he feels his ego has been bruised, i need other options.
...

Read your own words. He is a GOOD man. How many women can say that about their husbands after going through so much?

You realize the problem, but you're fooling yourself by terming it a "bruised ego". You title also describes him as proud.
Madam, the first step to getting a solution, if that is indeed what you want, is to see him for what he seems to be: a man who feels seriously betrayed by a calculating (if not more) wife.

HEseesall:
When he told me he wants to use his share for his parents, we agreed my share would be used for get a property then we start to build from there and that's what i did, i expected he knows i would use my name cos i keep the documents, now he is saying he wants his own name only not jointly, who says that pls, at least i compromised for jointly,

we agreed my share would be used for get a property For whom? For you alone? Was that the "agreement"??

Madam Op, the more I read your posts, the angrier I get. You've run here to seek validation after some selfish and headstrong moves, and have carefully curated the story to earn our sympathy. I notice that you have stopped posting after some serious questions were asked (you were still here at 10.30 am). We can't invite your hubby to hear his side of the story, but if you want to be sincere, at least answer the following:

1. What exactly led to your heated argument? Asking a woman to "pack out" is a move only two types of men would make. Lets call the first category "useless men".Your husband does not at all sound like that kind of person, even from your own submissions. A man who lets you keep the documents without once checking sounds like a simple, guy who is likely to over-trust (sadly, there now is such a thing). What would make such a guy ask you to pack out? The second category that would do that is a man who feels pushed to the wall usually because of infidelity. So we want to know: what led to your fight?

2. Approximately what percentage of the cost of building the house came from each party? My suspicion is that hubby contributed well over 50%. So when you fling sole ownership of the property at him, it is not just an insult, but a deep back stab. Not only did you secretly register the property in your name alone, but you are calculating and bold enough to (on top of whatever led to the fight) wield that over him.

Even with all this, you never mentioned anywhere that he laid his hands on you. Your own words paint your husband as a nice, decent, trusting man. What did you do to bring out the demon in such a man And demon or no demon, he still walked away, rather than getting physical.

Abeg, people should stop abusing the man until we have a more balanced narrative.

Olabestonic001:
Most of you are really easily deceived. Women are good wordsmith and knows how to get the narrative to favor their desired end.

I've a feeling that she's not telling us alot. She said from the proceeds of the business, the man used his 'own part' (I'm damned sure they both agreed) to save the life of her father-in-law. The other was used to purchase a land and she (thinking she's smarter) bought it in her name. The husband never knew such.

The man apparently thought he had a great wife- began to judiciously pumped money into the land and a house 'germinated' outta it. One day, they had a sharp disagreement and she reminded the man that he had no portion in the property. He became angry and left the house. She tried to 'give the olive branch' but he was still stunned. The issue wasn't looking good.
She most likely reminded him that he 'squandered' his own share on his 'family' and that caused him to wonder what his wife was driving at.

He annoyingly and foolishly asked for a transfer away. She got wind of it and discovered that that man some of you foolishly called wicked for his 'stupid' request wasn't nearly as bad. He still provides for the family and leaving her in the 'big house' she is claiming is too much for her to bare. A divorce is looming! Worst still, even with the house, she still doesn't have the upper hand. So, she came here, gave her version so that people will queue behind her. And boy, are they?

Woman, let me tell you; you definitely know you betrayed and have wronged that man. He used a part of your deal to take care of his father and felt your agreement meant you loved his father! Your action to make the land in your name and you saw him dancing that he's building a family house not knowing he isn't is a bad choice ma. He himself is a man that needs wisdom.

Kindly go back to your man and ensure you show remorsefulness for betraying him while he takes care of his parents (remember, they're yours too). Don't mind those cheering you on here. Many of them don't understand marriage but takes it for agitation. And if you want to remain married, show genuine repentance and you'll be shocked he won't even ask you to change it to his name again.

God will save your home.

You nailed it. Too many kids here.

Juliusmalema:
This is one of the reasons I made it a point of duty that non of my children will have a basic or formal education in this country....
coz the system ha been polarised and succeeded in producing what I called Graduates with myopic defects....
Academic myopism....no broad reasoning at all...

As a parent, I am saddened by this unnecessary loss, but we need to keep sentiment in check. Do you know what the rules of engagement are for a policeman manning a check-point at 3am in an area with possible terrorist or criminal activities? Do you know for a fact that such a policeman is not authorized to shoot at a car that fails to stop, or whose occupants are otherwise deemed to be acting suspiciously? Don't lets crucify him just because said shot happened to hit a beautiful young lady, and not a hardened criminal.

Until we have more details on this story (for example, I won't be shocked to learn that it was an illegal checkpoint, or that refusal to bribe was involved), I'd say the "Nigeria-educated" fellow you're panning has demonstrated better reasoning skills than you. I admit it's barely better, but still, better.

No offence intended.

How can anyone say that wan't a penalty? Dude seemed intent on riding Kane like a donkey. This, after drawing the ref's attention with his shenanigans prior to the kick. It was more of a penalty than Balogun's against Argentina.

Columbia did a yeoman's job holding England for 120 minutes. They played a much more talented (man-for-man) team to a stalemate. Let's say kudos to them and move on abeg.

I'm with the boss on this.

Antipob777:
When I say Igbo's are wicked and heartless they keep bashing me.

Imagine what Igbo guys did out of wickedness and greed.

God will never forgive Nnamdi KANU for misleading the Igbo youths to go commit atrocities and donate the money for the useless Biafra.

This is something I've noted time and again. As at 7.55 pm when I visited this thread, this is the only overtly tribalistic post from a non-Igbo, and it has garnered not a single like . This is how it should be.

NATIONALPASTOR:
Extremely foolish he-diot is your name.....
Bad guys don't make noise....
I'm an Igbo and I believe you know what we can do. We are not cowards like you.

No problem. We shall see.

NATIONALPASTOR:
You're a fool.
A big one at that.
Your brain has been sacrificed to Sango

It took me 5 minutes to know your three Nairaland monickers including the one you deleted. I can locate your place of business within 2 km. You're lucky I'm not one to deal with you. But as I've warned you: be careful how you talk online. You're not anonymous.

NATIONALPASTOR:
You are sick.
Threatening me will send you to hell quicker than you'll ever imagine.

The records of our exchanges are there for any observer to see who the belligerent fool is here.
Why wouldn't you feel threatened when you are mannerless enough to speak to others like a crazy dog, but stupid enough to basically leave your home address (your phone number) online. Do one or the other. Never do both. If you continue this way, I assure you that you will get yours. Not from me, but you will all the same.

I have nothing further to say to you.

NATIONALPASTOR:
Atleast I have level but you don't have at all.
Mention me again and watch as you'll be rejected like buhari

What exactly did I say to attract your ire? Perhaps you are just frustrated. Before you rant on, why don't you consider the fact that you have previously placed your phone number on Nairaland for the world to see ? You are *not* anonymous, so mind your language.

NATIONALPASTOR:
Ure already none existent

What is this one saying now? Why don't you go pick people closer to your level to mention?