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 Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 9:11pm On Apr 24, 2009 |
9 "Where and when to fart": .) In Nairaland’s Farting Jokes forum 1.) In the boss office as you are about to leave - best to make sure it's silent but lethal 2.) In the store check-out queue or cashiers line - it's bound to speed the customer service up. 3.) In an empty elevator or lift just before you get off. 4.) Beside an occupied clothes store changing room - no doubt it'll quickly become unoccupied and vacant for moi use 5.) When deep sea or scuba diving. 6.) Back seat of the police car during a wrongful arrest. 7.) In your car whilst it’s been carjacked. 8.) During one of those pie eating competitions to distract the rivals/opponents. 9.) If a babe (i.e. female) - go ahead, let it rip. Contrary to the myth it's a natural bodily function.  |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 8:30pm On Apr 24, 2009 |
7 “Where or when not to fart”: ) In Nairaland’s Farting Jokes forum 1) Whilst on a first or blind date 2) In Church 3) On a crowded molue/train/tube/subway 4) When someone is yawning with the mouth wide open 5) In a walk-in fridge-freezer - it'll hang about and linger for a while 6) In a patrol car when transported to the police station for a minor violation 7) While fighting the burning inferno of a building on fire |
| Business › Re: Eye Doc Conned By Nigerian : Parted With 350,000 Pounds ! by Recognise: 10:20pm On Apr 23, 2009 |
Chaircover:[size=16pt]@^[/size] Greed, yep you got that right . . . As the saying goes "You can't con you just feed his/her greed . . . " |
| Business › Re: What Does Money Mean To You? by Recognise: 9:58pm On Apr 23, 2009 |
Jobi rash (m) today at 09:44:18 AM 23rd April 2009:[size=16pt]@^[/size] IMHO Money literally is a tool. It is a means to an end and not the end itself. Lifetime ambition for most is to reverse the role, as in "Let money |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 8:32pm On Apr 23, 2009 |
Do you recognise any of these 6 Famous farts 1) Gunshot fart: This kind resonances just like a gunshot and can be unbelievably loud indoors. It is hard to believe that this sound and stink emanates from a bum. The fart ricochets and explodes into billions of virulent odour molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare in spite of that can be very dangerous 2) Worrier fart: This kind is tricky because it can be sly or deceptive. It may/can masquerade to be a fart right up to the point of its release. The scam is often uncovered when the fart feels a bit kinda teenie-weenie too solid for comfort. Usually when the victim is concerned, will nip to the bathroom and check underpants at the first possible opportunity to rule out any mishap. 3) GnL aka Gambled & Lost fart: This kind starts with the victim taking a first gamble that it's going to be a fart, so the person in this instance stays where they are and let the fart loose, only to tragically come to realise that this is much more than a fart . . . The debacle often leads to considering any of these subsequent gamble options: i) Do you put the underpant in the laundry basket and hope your other half won't notice? ii) Do you wash it out yourself? iii) Or do you throw it away? 4) Dutch Oven fart: This is a fart you make in bed (i.e. any kind at all) followed up by holding and keeping your other half's head under the duvet or bedclothes so that he or she can get a full effect and glorious baptism of the whiff. Sidebar warning & tip: Dutch Oven fart wouldn’t be a wise practice early in a marriage albeit some vouch it handy and helpful because it has been known to be extraordinarily good as an impetus for moving a stalled divorce process forward or along. 5) the Grim Ripper fart: This kind reverberates like its sending seismic ripples to the next town. It detonates in the crotch and literally rips the seams off the pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and one might still feel it 20 minutes later after discharge. At time of release anyone sitting nearby may experience temporary hearing loss 6) Diesel fart: This kind starts as a sputter but then keeps spluttering and putt-putting along, spewing out an endless colorless cloud of dirty, deadly, unpleasant, toxic and foul fumes. Surprised! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP! BRRAP-PAB-PA-PAB!! PAR-PAB!!! |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 9:01pm On Apr 22, 2009 |
Bed fartball A couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score. " After about five minutes the man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, "What the #@&% was that?" The man replies: "Half time, we switch sides . . . " |
| Christianity Etc › Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread ... and a Guinea Pig? by Recognise(op): 9:55pm On Apr 21, 2009 |
[size=14pt]Christian cookbook roasted over guinea pig recipe[/size] Austrian Times Church officials have been roasted by animal lovers over a Christian cook-book recipe - for baked guinea pig. The Protestant preachers say they've gathered the most heavenly dishes from worshippers around the world for the kitchen bible. But one recipe includes buying and skinning a pet guinea gig before serving it up with a chilli sauce and sweet potatoes. Today (Mon) the book -produced by the Association of Lutheran Churches in Stuttgart, Germany, and called Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread - was condemned by shocked animal lovers. Animal rights group Peta's German spokesman Dr Edmund Haferbach, 52, said: "This is a disgrace - I don't know what the Church was thinking of." And Claudia Wehling from the Stuttgart guinea pig association added: "It is shocking. Eating pets is not part of our culture." The cookbook urges chefs to buy a "good fat guinea pig" weighing at least 2 lbs and boil it so it can be skinned more easily. But despite the protests, church leaders remain unrepentant and say guinea pigs are eaten all over South America. "Guinea pig is regarded as a very nutritious meal in the Andes. It is easily digested and has a lot of good nutritional content," said spokeswoman Karin Achtelstetter. for SOURCE: Click here [img width=250 height=200]http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2009/04/Guineapigal_175x125.jpg[/img] Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread . . . and guinea pig? [size=14pt]Christian cook book rapped for guinea pig recipe[/size] Animal lovers have given church officials a roasting for producing a cook book with a recipe for baked guinea pig. Chefs should look to buy a 'good fat guinea pig' weighing at least 1kg (2lb) and boil it so it can be skinned more easily, says the Protestant preachers' cook book. Once baked, it should be served with a chilli sauce and sweet potatoes. But Dr Edmund Haferbach, animal rights group Peta's German spokesman, said: 'This is a disgrace – I don't know what the church was thinking of.' The book – produced by the Association of Lutheran Churches in Stuttgart, Germany, and called Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread – was published yesterday. Leaders remained unrepentant. 'Guinea pig is regarded as a nutritious meal in the Andes. It is easily digested and has a lot of good nutritional content,' said spokeswoman Karin Achtelstetter. The meat of guinea pigs is high in protein and low in fat and cholesterol. However, Claudia Wehling, from the Stuttgart Guinea Pig Association, said: 'It is shocking. Eating for SOURCE: Click here |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 8:16pm On Apr 21, 2009 |
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman with a stiff upper lip and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another skimpy, young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, she too turned to the old woman and snootily said, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both vain women in the eyes, bends over, wiggled her bum, and farts . . . . "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!" she said as she stepped out of the elevator |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Will Mad People Go To Heaven Or Hell? by Recognise: 8:50am On Apr 21, 2009 |
Mai Suya:@^ Take a pick or mix-and-match Mentally sick, deranged in mind, not rational, not normal, not sound, not wise, not sensible, not reasonable etc |
| Christianity Etc › Re: A New Earth Webclass With Eckhart Tolle And Oprah Winfrey by Recognise: 9:15pm On Apr 20, 2009 |
Jagunlabi:@Jagunlabi So the superscript is all that you noticed after reading the submission or was it selective reading, eh? I would sooner have you dislike me for telling the truth than like me for perpetuating and/or supporting lies. |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 8:38pm On Apr 20, 2009 |
[img width=40 height=30]http:///c8rqe6[/img] Peek-a-boo! Anyone home?!! |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Proof Of The Existence Of God by Recognise: 10:54am On Apr 20, 2009 |
@^ Stop butchering the Bible with your myopic scripture references/quotes Just because one haven’t seen the ocean(s) doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t exist Haven’t one tasted salt in food? God is ever here Use the time for the test to do something else worthwhile. |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Apostles Of Jesus Christ Cast Lots;why? by Recognise: 9:40am On Apr 20, 2009 |
Uplawal:@Uplawal I will try again . . . . It's going to be short & simple With all due respects this is what I wrote “Jesus promised the whole shebang; the Holy Spirit (i.e. the diverse and different flavour of God’s spirit to receive/have at one go) to the disciples On the day of Pentecost, in the upper room, this promised was fulfilled (Note: before Muhammed) when the Holy Spirit descended on 120 of them . . .” How did you conjure up “Jesus Christ sent one of them to us” because I certainly didn’t write or imply that? OK. Another simple illustration: Uplawal is female. Uplawal likely is a daughter; sister, wife, mother, etc (i.e. there is only one Uplawal but different flavours of Uplawal) Lastly before closing, concerning your query on “ANOTHER” and “HIM”, the former refers to another “helper” besides Jesus and the latter is used as a grammatical masculine gender (i.e. a grammatical category in inflected languages governing the agreement between nouns and pronouns and adjectives) The earth is referred as she - doesnt imply it is necessarily a woman A curious question, have you read the bible through at all Uplawal? (i.e. back to back?) |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Apostles Of Jesus Christ Cast Lots;why? by Recognise: 7:29pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
Uplawal:@Uplawal (f) Using a crude illustration, as there are oranges and different flavour of oranges so is God’s spirit (i.e. God's Spirit and flavours of His Spirit) Over the ages, people have been experiencing the diverse and different flavour of God’s spirit. Prior to the advent of the Holy Spirit, you must have at some stage read in the Bible "And the spirit of God descended on so-and-so . . . " Now before ascending to heaven, Jesus promised the whole shebang; the Holy Spirit (i.e. the diverse and different flavour of God’s spirit to receive/have at one go) to the disciples On the day of Pentecost, in the upper room, this promised was fulfilled (Note: before Muhammed) when the Holy Spirit descended on 120 of them . . . (KISS - Keeping it short & sweet)  PS: Holy = wholly; whole; wholesome; holistic; total; complete; one; pure; etc |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Apostles Of Jesus Christ Cast Lots;why? by Recognise: 6:53pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
uplawal:@Uplawal (f) [img width=50 height=25]http:///cv5qb8[/img] a quick KISS before you go start a new thread (i.e. KISS – keeping it short & sweet) Watch this space in 5 min for the answer to your question |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Will Mad People Go To Heaven Or Hell? by Recognise: 6:41pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
Pastor AIO:@^ Take a pick or mix-and-match Mentally sick, deranged in mind, not rational, not normal, not sound, not wise, not sensible, not reasonable etc |
| Celebrities › Re: Dan Foster And Wife Lovina by Recognise: 6:07pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
I thought it was reported that this chap was deported albeit politically driven (i.e. due to some bad belle or beef between him and his last employer) His naija status proxy married to a naija didn't help I imagine . . . Source: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-262487.0.html |
| Christianity Etc › Re: Will Mad People Go To Heaven Or Hell? by Recognise: 5:50pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
Banom:@Banom The final destination of the “insane people” should be the least of ones concerns Importantly, one should be anxious to be at right standing with God and being a good neighbour to all and sundry. Sending people to Hell or the Kingdom of Heaven? Yup hard and heart-wrenching decisions for God to make It is going to hurt God more than those sent to hell But when the judgment (i.e. verdict) is made, Trust me there will be no doubt in ones minds that God is right, just and fair in His assessment |
| Christianity Etc › Re: A New Earth Webclass With Eckhart Tolle And Oprah Winfrey by Recognise: 5:37pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
Jagunlabi:@Jagunlabi " . . . Your ego is fighting Oprah"? I dont even know Oprah from Eve You must have heard “A half-truth is a whole lie” This is what Oprah and Eckhart are peddling and you expect me to keep shtum You might be able to "eat How about others that are impressionable and/or suggestible (i.e. easily persuaded) that are likely to be sucked in eh? The naked truth of Jesus is always better than any best dressed lie My self worth (i.e. ego?) is in Jesus, sadly not the case for the subjects of your post |
| Christianity Etc › Re: A New Earth Webclass With Eckhart Tolle And Oprah Winfrey by Recognise: 4:43pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
Here is ego - the Oprah ego! [flash=500,450] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKZinlAbvcA&hl=en&fs=1[/flash] [img width=20 height=20]http:///d3tnru[/img] @^ |
| Christianity Etc › Re: A New Earth Webclass With Eckhart Tolle And Oprah Winfrey by Recognise: 3:37pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
Jagunlabi:[size=14pt]@^[/size] [img width=200 height=200]http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/04_03/deniroG0205_468x506.jpg[/img] . . . Huh? |
| Christianity Etc › Re: A New Earth Webclass With Eckhart Tolle And Oprah Winfrey by Recognise: 2:59pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
Jagunlabi:@^ [img width=20 height=20]http:///d9pj8j[/img] |
| Christianity Etc › Re: A New Earth Webclass With Eckhart Tolle And Oprah Winfrey by Recognise: 2:29pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
New Age Oprah - World's Most Dangerous Woman . . . [flash=420,300]http:///dcvfz4[/flash] [flash=290,300]http:///dfdnch[/flash] [flash=340,300]http:///cwzppd[/flash] [flash=340,300]http:///dzz6jj[/flash] You will not believe yours ears 1 of 2 You will not believe yours ears 2 of 2 |
| Celebrities › MADONNA dumps Jesus for Moses by Recognise(op): 1:06pm On Apr 19, 2009 |
MADONNA has clearly got religion-no sooner has she dumped JESUS than she's taken up with MOSES. Yes, you heard me right. And I can tell you that Jesus-that's her ex-isn't too happy about it. But hey, Papa Don't Preach, so I'll just tell you how it is. Madge, 50, enjoyed a string of secret dates in London last week with Jewish millionaire businessman ABRAHAM MOSES SCHIMMEL. Madonna with Jesus https://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00035/madge_516_35515a.jpg [img width=200 height=290]http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00035/madonna280_35543a.jpg[/img] Moses Just to confuse things, Moses (right) is also known as Marc in business circles (there's no Matthew, Luke or John though). At 44, he's twice as old as Brazilian toyboy JESUS LUZ and doubly keen to step things up with the Queen of Pop. But that's not going down too well with the young one. A source close to Madonna said: "It's bizarre, you couldn't find two men more different. Jesus isn't happy about her relationship with Marc, but she enjoys his company." Apparently they have lots in common like Kabbalah and exercise. They are both divorced with kids and there's a deep spiritual connection that neither of them have ever experienced." The friend went on: "Everyone thinks they would be great together. Marc's ready to take things to the next level. He knows Madonna needs time, but he doesn't think Jesus is right for her." Madonna dumped Jesus (pictured with her above earlier this month as she started her unsuccessful attempt to adopt Malawi girl MERCY. The pair were snapped together for the first time since the split in New York this week. The pal went on: "Madonna doesn't want to rush into anything serious but Marc has been brilliant for her. He's been her rock over the breakdown of her adoption in Malawi." So has some other GUY too. Last week I told how her ex-hubby had been comforting Madge at a Kabbalah event in London. Clearly Madonna's 11th commandment to Moses is: I shall not ditch all my men at once. for SOURCE: Click here |
| Foreign Affairs › Live off the Fat of the Land: by Recognise(op): 9:44am On Apr 19, 2009 |
[size=14pt]Ryanair to target those carrying "extra baggage"[/size] By Niamh Hennessy RYANAIR has decided it’s going to live off the fat of the land — by charging overweight customers an extra fee. The new "heavy levy" for passengers, with a "spare tyre" or two, could net the airline more than €2 billion, according to figures from a Bloomberg analyst. Finance expert Tracy Alloway said Ryanair charges €15 per kg of excess luggage. Assuming that about 25% of Ryanair’s 58.6 million passengers are overweight and are likely to be carrying at least 10kg extra, introducing the weight charge would net the airline €2.2bn a year — almost its total revenue last year. If Ryanair was to introduce what it is calling the "fat tax" it would not be the first airline to do so. Southwest Airlines introduced a similar policy in 1980 and United Airlines said this week its staff will ask passengers to relocate from seats and pay extra if they’re unable to lower the arm rest and tie a seatbelt. The move by Ryanair stems from a poll conducted among passengers. According to the airline, 40% voted for excess fees for overweight passengers and 20% for a charge of €3 to smoke in a toilet cubicle. Ryanair’s Stephen McNamara said: "In the longer term we would not rule out asking overweight passengers to pay for an extra seat." SOURCE: Click here |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 8:35am On Apr 19, 2009 |
Cbase:[size=16pt]@^[/size] Loiters or those hanging around beware . . .
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| Foreign Affairs › Re: Obama Fried Chicken Is Causing Trouble by Recognise: 10:10pm On Apr 17, 2009 |
MrCrackles? . . . hey, hey. I'll yank that NIC cable or zap your Wi-fi connection ooo Wifi - I know you're probably high tech Go Greenwich or Hackney Empire go have a laugh at the comedy clubs there Dont stoke the fire naw |
| Foreign Affairs › Re: Obama Fried Chicken Is Causing Trouble by Recognise: 9:48pm On Apr 17, 2009 |
SeanT21 at Aloy.Emeka]oooooh,she is gonna get U!![/quote][quote author=Aloy.Emeka:Abeggy make una no start commotion ooo Bury the hatchet . . . and let tings be naw |
| Crime › Re: Famous Nigerian Armed Robbers Of All Time by Recognise: 9:24pm On Apr 17, 2009 |
MrCrackles:All in the same category with Men in Uniform and/or Agbada Omi eko, eko naa ni literally means erm . . . Oops! Dang! Next |
| Crime › Re: Famous Nigerian Armed Robbers Of All Time by Recognise: 9:15pm On Apr 17, 2009 |
Lamidi-obi:Erh-erh, you think so? How can you say that. Abeggy dont even go there . . . [img width=30 height=20]http:///d9txw2[/img] Have you forgotten we-know-who (i.e. the botched Sshh - Mallam Umaru Dikko; a classic example of the "Men in Uniform & Agbada" |
| Jokes Etc › Re: Farting Jokes by Recognise: 8:53pm On Apr 17, 2009 |
AnthonyKil:Definition of surprise: A fart with a lump in it! Ta-da! Jokes apart that makes at least two of us I thought it was only me swamped with work load Used to wonder how yall manage it . . . Anyway here's three short-sneak-steal-submissions: 1) Why don't little girls fart? >> Because they don't have a55holes until they're married. 2) What's the definition of bravery? >> A bloke/babe with diarrhea chancing a fart! 3) What do you get if you eat onions and beans? >> Tear Gas. Jaa-ra Confucius says "Man who fart in Church sit in own |
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