₦airaland Forum

@Mr Pataki

I am still waiting for you answer on what you deem to be 'misbehavioural tendencies towards sex'

Please answer!

Thank you in advance

The whole point was I think that the Lord of the Rings is as credible as the Bible. I did not say that I believe in the story,  that was the very point ,  I do not believe in either of those stories!

mrpataki:
@ Reverend,
May God have mercy. Guess you are been equipped to be another false prophet in this endtime.
A great tool for lucifer.
If youwant to know,
the[size=14pt]BIBLE means: Best Instruction Before Leaving Earth!!!!!![/size]

I am not asking God for mercy as I have done nothing that I feel requires me to do that. That is also pure nonsense. Just like the all merciful Allah and his cronies. I do not see much of his mercy in Countries like Iran where stoning and hangings of women and children are a daily event!

As for a false prophet, I am not in the business of predicting what will happen on this planet, only what has and is happening at the moment. I do not Prophetize!

The greatest tool for Lucifer (another man made figure invented to frighten us) is ignorance. The inability of a person to question what he is told. You Mr. Pataki are a prime example!

If the Bible is the best instruction before we leave this planet then I think there is something really wrong.

99.9% of the troubles we have here on Earth are caused by religion and the nonsense that we still associate with it. The ramblings of man that we still follow blindly to this very day.

Million die in it's name every year! I still think the Lord of the Rings is a better read 

mrpataki:
You see where you wallow now,
you are your greatest defeat, i am very sure you find it lazy to pick a book and read except it is a Indecency book or the one that excites your misbehavioural tendencies towards sex

I do not see where I wallow. I do not see any evidence of defeat from where I am standing. I have a happy and interesting life. I am healthy and I do the things I want to do. I am financially independent and do not have a care in the World!

I read many books, Indecency books I do not read. I prefer the real thing in place of Indecency books which I get plenty of

As for your comments about misbehavioural  tendencies towards sex, please explain exactly what you mean?

I am sure that when you have sex (poor woman) that you have your bible on hand to show you the way 

I just do what my body tells me is right! After all, according to your fairy story book we are made in Gods image, so if I feel Hot and have sex it has to be what God wanted me to do 

@MrPataki

Seeing as the Bible is a collection of fairy stories written by man it would of course make no sense to read the chapter that you have given.

I would recommend that you read the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, much better story with more adventure and just as believable as the Bible!

Peace

Sista:
@Reverand

You never did let me know what you thought about my ideas for inspirational writings inspired by God his self?

Everyone started getting on you and you forgot about critiquing my inspirational writing ideas.

I think it is a great idea with huge potential I like your honest, down to earth and truthful way of witing. It has to be better than the utter nonsense in the Holy Bible.

I think it is time for chance. We should replace the Bible with a no nonsense guide to living in the 21st Century!

Maybe it should be called:


Sista's No Crap Bible of Life

If you marry him then he will not be single anymore!

So whats the problem?

Did you know that Jesus has his Birthday on Christmas day? It seems that always something was happening with him on holidays, Easter etc

Quite a coincidence!

@Gbade

I think you have been hitting the bottle or sniffing the white stuff. That is why you have to post the same thing over and over again!

Oh well I am sure you can find professional help for your affliction!

Good luck with the treatment

@ Superman

I hope you do not find the female body distasteful? It is one of the most beautiful things to a mans eye and should be worshiped

ThoniaSlim:
@reverend
May God have mercy upon you

And may he also have mercy on you when your time comes

I hope that JC also shows you a little affection as well,

Peace

The concept of sin was invented my man to control our thoughts and actions!

Nothing more and nothing less

It would be far more productive if we stopped the abuse of the 'sin' word and instead Just said that something was wrong!

eg. Homosexuality is wrong (then give the reasons)

Never ate garri or ate akpu in my life. Do not even know what they are!

But I think that most of the people that have written and re-written the Bible over the years ate and drank plenty of that stuff. they were probably sniffing white powder as well

To all of you people that spend your time re-living the slave trade and using any excuse to blame everybody but your own shortcomings for your problems:

STOP LOOKING BACK ,  ONLY LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE,

Stop looking for excuses why you do not make something out of your lives and stop blaming history!

You can be someone if you really want to ,  GO FOR IT!

Leave all the bitter people to their miserable fates. You do not have to be one of them!

@Thief of Hearts

I dont think that you are attacking me at all. I think you were defending me and that is nice!

That is just what I expected from such a clever, beautiful and cool babe as yourself

@MT

I am definitely not a camel shagger Muslim!

@MrPataki

I am going to spend eternity in the same place as you. Two meters underground in a wooden box called a coffin.
Just like you I will be eaten by the worms. The only difference is that I will taste better

Just a few more contradictions and words of utter nonsense from the Bible 



Genesis

God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5

God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

"He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

"And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth." 1:17

God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over ,  every living thing that moveth upon the earth."  1:28

"I have given you every herb ,  and every tree ,  for meat." 1:29

God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-20

God's clever, talking serpent.  3:1

God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11

God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14

God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. 3:17-18

God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve. 3:21

God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24

Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14

"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16

"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? 4:17

Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24

"And to Seth ,  was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26

God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2

The first men had incredibly long life spans. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11, 5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29

Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24

When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons.
[Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or several?] 5:32

The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4

"There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4

God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5

God repents. 6:6-7

Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9, 7:1

God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. 6:11-13

Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450 foot ark for ventilation. 6:16

"And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ,  for thee, and for them." 6:21

Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8

God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11

All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14

"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because humans are evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21

According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2

God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again. (Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah,  That's right. I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do.". 9:9-13

Noah, the drunk and naked.  9:20-21

The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies (see 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies." 10:1-32

God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

God says, "Let us go down , " Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7

Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies." Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7

Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his household. Since he supposedly had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor old Abe must have been pretty busy with his knife. But it was worth it. joysticks are supremely important to God. And he can't stand foreskins. 17:23-24

Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4

Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14

God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham. 18:17

"And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33

The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5

Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers.  19:8

Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14

Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26

Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2

These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8 he must have been about 16 years old. It must have been tough for poor Hagar to carry Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the shrubs." 21:14-18

Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to Ex.6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah. 22:14

God swears to himself. 22:16

Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children without any help from God. 25:2

Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7

Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17

Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22

Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7

Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and 13:3.) 28:19

Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake.  29:23, 25

"And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4

Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16

And finally, "God remembered Rachel ,  and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22

Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27

Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39

God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12

Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30

God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28

God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10

Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick. 35:15

Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28

Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies." 36:1-43

Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (Gen.14:7) 36:12

Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee ,  And he ,  came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18

Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15

Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28

"He washed his garments in wine ,  His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12
Exodus

The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE. (BBC: The tale of the basket) 2:3

God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17

God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9

God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of joysticks to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26

God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3

Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively). 6:16, 18, 20

In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says, "Behold I am of uncircumcised lips."  6:12, 6:30

God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick. Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13

After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks! Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not explained. 7:17-24

The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7

Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19

The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21

The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6
But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a couple more times.

The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12

Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14

The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5

Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings." 10:21-23

God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13

The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to Ex.9:3-6

God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21 there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23

God removes the wheels from the Egyptians' chariots. 14:25

God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8

If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise,  15:26

Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25

It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6

As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered. 17:11-12

"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16

Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21

God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy unclothedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26

If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

"Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19

God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28

God has feet.24:10

Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30

God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made "for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40

God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30

Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35

God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their unclothedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42

God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14

God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21

God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-24

Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper. 30:20

Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33

And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38

God's finger. 31:18

Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35

Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13

"And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone? 32:14

Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf. 32:25

Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning) 33:23

God's name is Jealous. 34:14

One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its mother's milk." 34:26

Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28

After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the Israelites. 34:30-35

Leviticus

God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

"For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 6:15, 6:21

"It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he doesn't like to share! 3:16

"If a soul shall sin through ignorance, " But how can someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27

"The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6, 4:17

If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug) or the "uncleanness of man" (?), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2-3

"If a soul ,  sin through ignorance, " 5:15, 17

Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering becomes holy. 6:25-27

Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27

God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave offerings." He says these offerings are to be made perpetually "by a statute for ever." Have you made your heave offering today? 7:30-36

Moses dresses up his brother Aaron with "the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:7-8

God's magical Urim and Thummim 8:8

Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32

Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21

God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24

God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15

Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12

Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31

If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41

"The swine ,  is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8

"Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination." 11:41

"Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet ,  are an abomination." 11:42

"Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43

God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean , " 15:2-15

This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32

God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:6-28

Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6

Don't "uncover the unclothedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her unclothedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19

"Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19

God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23

Don't eat anything with blood, don't round the corners of your head, mar the corners of your beard, make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, or print any marks on you. 19:26-28

Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31

If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5

The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11

Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. 21:16-23

Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God. 21:18

A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20

A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ,  "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18

God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8

God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41
Numbers

The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51

The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:11-31

"And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them. 11:1

The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck. 11:4, 19-20

"As a nursing father beareth the suckling child, " 11:12

God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20

God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

"Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness". 12:3

"If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ,  speak unto him in a dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6

"And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14

"And there we saw the giants ,  And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33

It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 14:33, 32:13

God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24

"If any soul sin through ignorance , " but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30

Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39

Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds. 17:8

Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close.18:3, 22, 32

God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when he says "forever"? 18:17-19

The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for all humankind. 19:1-22

The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe that when a red heifer is born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was born in March 2002 and has been declared ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years it can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they say, the end of the world. You can read all about it here in the National Review. 19:2

God give instructions for burning the "dung" of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about (that's why it's in the Bible!). 19:5

Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the promised land. 20:8-12

Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11

God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6

To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8

"The Book of the wars of the Lord"
One of the lost books of the Bible 21:14

God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9

God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as cog had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! 22:20-22

Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30

God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16

God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22

Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7

God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8

God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21

In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29
Deuteronomy

It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19

"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22

"Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version. 4:2

God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15

God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18

Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16

After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19

God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32

Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1

This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10

To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21

Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1

God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22

Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5

"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together" or wear wool and linen together in the same garment. But "thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture." 22:10-12

You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1

God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14

Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the Lord. 24:4

If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10

If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15

"Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20

"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21

"Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ,  And all the people shall say, Amen." 27:22

"Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23

"Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26

"Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16

"Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out." 28:19

"And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23

"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28

"The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ,  he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44

The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5

God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6

When Moses was 120 years old he could no longer "go out and come in." Yet just a little later (Dt.34:7) we are told that "his eye was not dim, nor his natural forces abated." 31:1-2

"Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8

Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17

Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial. 34:5
Joshua

The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. 3:17

At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3

It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5

Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19

Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing". I wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13

God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as they try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:10-11

In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

"The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14, 10:42

"And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants, " 12:4, 18:16

God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12
Judges

Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7

"The Lord ,  could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19

God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30

An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2

Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3

"The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Num.31:7), and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:1-6

"The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet." 6:34

Gideon needs some signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. So he puts down some wool on the ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry. "And God did so , " Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40

God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7

The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12

Gideon's men break three hundren picthers while holding lamps, blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon." 7:16-20

Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused "all Israel" to "go a whoring. 8:27

Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15

"Wine ,  cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy. 9:13

God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24

"Jair ,  had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities." 10:3-4

God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3: and Canaan (4:2).) 10:7

Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14

"And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24

Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh and maggots?). 14:5-8

Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4

"The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ,  and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19

Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3

Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength was from God.) 16:17

After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss. 20:16

God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle and 22,000 men were killed by the Benjamites. 20:18, 21

God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are killed. 20:23, 25

God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41
Ruth

In the first chapter of Ruth (1:11), Naomi is too old to conceive, but now, in the fourth chapter, she functions as a wet nurse. 4:16
1 Samuel

"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up." And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20

A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli figured it that the voice must be God's. So the third time that God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10

God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11

Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18

God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17

Saul was more handsome than anyone in Israel and stood head and shoulders above everyone else. 9:2

When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ,  and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22

"But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27

"I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

"And the spirit of God came upon Saul ,  and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7

"Saul ,  slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14

"An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span". 17:4

"The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10

David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9

Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ,  and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24

David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12

David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7- just a little while before. 27:8-11

"And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6

Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7- and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the Israelites again! 30:1

David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two times that they were exterminated.) 30:17
2 Samuel

According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But Saul killed all the Amalekites (except for Agag who Samuel hacked to death) as God commanded in 1 Sam.15:3, so how could he later be killed by one? 1:8-10

Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
(It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)

David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14

After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

"He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
Absalom's hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

"The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!) 18:8

Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in the fifth rib", of course. 20:10

The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of God's nostrils, and fire out of his mouth. 22:8-16

The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8

David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17

God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1

Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14

Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good God have to repent of the evil that he planned to do? 24:16
1 Kings

God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ,  as thy father David did walk." But alas, it was only a dream. 3:12-15

How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ,  after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4) 4:29-31

The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2 , God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2

God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35

When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 8:63

"King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and 300 concubines." 11:3

The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods. 11:4, 15:3

Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kg.8:22) 11:15

"I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14

Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4

There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24

God kills everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21

Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and

@Dakmanzero

Maybe, maybe not,

He needs to be stroked! It's the only way :-)

@Gbade

Why do you keep quoting Bari_kade in your posts?

I think he must be your boyfriend or you do not have your own brain to think with. I think it is probably both.

Try adding something to the debate for a change instead of your normal childish dribble!

As for Bogus claims, the Bible is the book of bogus claims and full of nonsense! That is the theme of this thread.

Now try writing something intelligent for a change about the topic and leave Bari_kade and his bits alone

One thing is for sure. Wherever America goes she bleeps up big time! Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan etc etc etc.

They may have the most advanced military hardware, but they definitely have an extremely poor  understanding of what makes this World tick.

Maybe sometimes they go for noble and good hearted reasons, but they never take the time to understand the people on the ground.

Things would be far better if they kept out of many of the World's trouble spots and they will never begin to understand that American values and democracy can not be applied or accepted by all Nations equally!

I for one am quite happy to see Arabs blow each other up. That is the positive side of the current conflict in the Middle East. Lets leave them to sort out their own problems. If thousands of them die in the process, that is their problem. Lets bring our boys home to safety.

It is a kind of population control anyway. There are too many people on this planet, more than we can sustain. Just like in Africa where many Countries have constant famines, maybe we should not interfere. Maybe it is Gods way of controlling the population.

I would love to see Saddam Hussein set free and left to deal with his own people in his own special way. They have been given the chance to live in a democratic and free society, but they are not capable it seems. Let them now take the consequences.

I can not really name one Muslim Country where democracy can or is working. Arabs for example can only be controlled with an ruthless iron fist. If you step out of line you will be liquidated. That  is what they understand the best,  democracy is lost on them and thousands of our soldiers are losing their lives to try and introduce something which can never work. The West should have learned that by now and stopped trying to introduce their bubble gum democracy to these heathens. Leave them to kill each other in peace.

The USA and the UK should police the West and other developed Countries. We should leave the rest too their fates.

Let the weak wither and the fittest survive! That is nature after all

Nobody came up with the contradictions. They are in the Bible if you like them or not!

So the Bible came up with them, or the men that wrote the fairy stories in the book we know as the Bible.

As for saving souls, what makes you believe that there is such a thing as a soul?

Jesus said that those of you without sin cast the first stone,

@babyosisi

It seems you are quite used to throwing stones

Aldershot has a fine military history and is a military town :-)

As for Obasanjo being an alumni , I don't know about that!

The truth is that as it has been said there is a quota. I am sure the company that is processing the application is making lots of money, but this is Nigeria and that is the way. I magine if there was no fee or a refund for an unsucessful application, there would be tens of thousands of people applying and it would overload the already shaky system.

The reality is that the UK can not really cope with the influx of immigrants anymore. Many people abuse the system and enter for a short stay and remain illegally, many of them on student visas. So things are made difficult and I can not see it being made any easier in the near future.

They are currently changing all the laws to be stricter and give less people the chance to abuse the system.

The UK is one of the fairest Countries when it comes to accepted foreign students and workers and many Nigerians are living and working in the UK. Many legally, but far more illegally. They are the ones responsible for causing all the problems for geniune people that would like to study in the UK!

Letter to GOD

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna”

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

“Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely yours
Edna”

Pleasures all mine!

Glad you like it

Lets hang him and Olusegun Obasanjo at the same time, Could kill two birds with one stone!