₦airaland Forum

Yes oooo!!!!

uyosolo:
For una mind,una dey insult me,as dem dey share points nd giv certificate of completion nd movin 4rm stages lik super mario,nd yet dere is no game ova

Lol....




Grow up.

chromatic:
Good read Sholay! you have effected the corrections Briareos identified, nice one. This reminded me of a bang bang theory episode in season 4 " the herb garden germination" where the crew proved gossip spreads so fast especially about topics the a group finds important,they can bump other irrelevant topics to the backburner just to spread the word.

I like the realness feel,the character Mrs. Obong is typical.

Oh....Thanks very much bro for the comment.

While I honestly didn't draw my inspiration from that episode, albeit consciously, I vividly remember that episode and it's damn funny.

Amy: 'Sheldon and I are having a baby. That's the word!'

sidhomez:
Harry wat Eva ur name is. .. u don't just lack home training but u are an ugly bad seed of a beautiful home.
Wat if FAAN send ienvites. Huh? Wat will u den say? So ma advice... keep wat Eva fake info to urself unless u have some practical prove *dummy*

Classless comment.

akocce:
Hmmm... Ok, why haven't I been contacted by these guys? Abi na fail don fail like dat? But they should have given me my scores na! I dey vex o!

Don't wait for a mail. I also didn't get one. Just log into your account via the first mail you were sent to start the first stage and voila, you will see your scores and would be asked to proceed to the second stage.

You're welcome.

Mercy Aigbe looks good.

Lol...Patience Ozokwor don carve niche for herself at the polling unit...

cnario:
Nice one Sholay, I kinda like the flow of this, real Wildfire. For some reason, the final dialogue before the arrival of the taxi doesn't work for me. I'd have let the taxi come in after she eyes the amebo woman; let her actions do the talking.

BTW, sorry for the delay on PARANOIA. I've been soooooooooooooooo busy with other things. It's about 80% done. Thank God for this Election weekend, I'll hopefully tidy it up.

Cheers!

Thanks bro for your comment. It's good that you spoke 'yourself' about 'Paranoia'.

I kinda like your suggestion as regards the final dialogue. It will be considered sir.

Thanks for reading.

tonyayo1:
This is a good story, thanks once again for inviting to comment on ur script, I enjoyed reading it. It's like I came late 'cause I can see that u've done some modifications based on what barereos, lynx and prof talked about - I have nothing much to say but questions to ask, why the capital letters? E.g BURSTS, SITS, READS, DROPS etc and why is 'beat' not enclose in parenthesis? And don't u think u have to be more specific in the way your characters move/walk? e.g amble, march, dart, step in etc (just saying) 'cause using too much of 'walk' seems more like telling not showing how they move/walk.

PS-Writing a dramedy is one hell of work, kudos bro... Still waiting for 'Paranoia'

Thanks for taking your time to read. I appreciate.

Well I used capital letters to just emphasize some actions. While I wouldn't say I used it effectively, it brings out/measures the effect of an action. E.g: Tony enters the room and SLAPS Bryan on the face.

Well, I am not sure if 'Beat' should necessarily be in parenthesis but like you pointed out, I will correct that.
I so much love your last piece of advice. I just ran out of vocabulary while I was engrossed with telling the story.
You're on point. I will edit that.


Cnario has been quite busy with some projects but just know 'Paranoia' is in the process of editing and we all hope you guys love it. It would soon be ready but i don't want to give a particular date. Thanks for following up bro.

kingwhiz:
see this one... what are your are your area of specialization

Why are you stammering

Amen to the prayers.



Abeg make una vote Buhari. Thanks.

Lol

Jisos!!!

Hmmmmmm....

Nice one.

.

Ignatio:
Funny. Typical Naija street. Good story.

Thanks bro.

Thanks @MizmyColi. I was still waiting for a mail or so. Just checked. ..scored 9500.

My favourite male Nigerian musician don enter am.

Boyz are not smiling o.

lynx200:
Nice story Sholay. But I want to say that the length of each succeeding encounter should have been reduced. It will make the story go faster as we don't have to repeat the details all the time. Towards the ending we could see flashes of people telling one another and we don't hear what is said but we know its about chief's death. To make the ending more sweeter the crowd at the house could be bigger including many that received the call that we don't see. (Like a town hall meeting) They could all shout on Vero making her confused before she defends herself.

I really appreciate that you took time to read. Thanks.

I wanted the dialogue to be as real/relatable as possible. I have kinda been in settings like that and finding a way to shorten the encounters would have watered down the impact in my opinion. And the encounters aren't just encounters for info dissemination, it explores how info changes, albeit slightly, from one person to another and at the end, it becomes gigantic falsehood. If it's shot, I don't think it would be that repetitive. And the characters reacted differently, each contributing their own quota to the 'wildfire'.

I love your suggestion of flashback. 'Would see how that fits in.

Lool at your last suggestion...your head dey dia. I actually thought of that while writing this. While it makes it 'funnier', I think it takes away from its 'realness' to be honest.

You have to note that this info circulated within say 1 hour, on a working day when many are at their work places. It occurred at noon, not evening. This was why every character I gave dialogue that was in the last scene waiting for Vero actually had a legit excuse to not be at work at that time. It's reasonable enough that two other people may have heard which makes five realistic.

I still think it's weird that five people were already standing at the gate, to quench their 'ameboistic' thirst...lol.

I hope you see reasons for some of my decisions. Thanks again for your advice.

lynx200:
On point @op. Right now I am even thinking of leaving the industry. I am a scriptwriter but most producers do not respect the place of the scriptwriter. There are so many times I have had to walk away from jobs because of the poor pay and working conditions. Many of the so called producers and directors know nothing about the job and some boast openly they can write a script in a day . When you try to correct them they start reminding you that they put the money down for the production. I know of so many good writers who have left and I am working on joining them unless something happens.

Hmmm...na wa for Nollywood.

But to be honest, I don't think we even have a reasonable number of 'good' scriptwriters yet. Everyone has to humble himself and continue learning, going back to the drawing board. But for naija, na lie. Everyone wants his or her work to quickly be out there in a 3-part movie so he can boast of a stinking resume as a scriptwriter.

For the industry to really improve in terms of story telling, scriptwriters shouldn't make scriptwriting their sole source of livelihood. Yes, we know una get the burning talent, unwavering passion, uncontainable imagination and what have you, but if you don't want to join the bandwagon of forcefully churning out nonsense to the Nigerian audience, albeit you're talented sef, you have to seek for other means of livelihood to support while you work on your craft.

I have written over 5 feature film scripts but I'm far from desperate to have my works out there. I'm even ashamed that I wrote some scripts when I reread them years later. When it's time, and time meets chance for production, I will know.

Same applies to acting too. Any job in the film Industry that doesn't grant you the control of actually making a film, if you want to constantly churn out quality, you must get another means of livelihood. Tunde Babalola (who wrote 'The Meeting' and 'October 1') is a practising lawyer. Those subpar alaba scriptwriters are not better or more passionate than him just because scriptwriting is all some of them do.

Now, we can now go to step 2 which is now honing one's craft.

Bro lynx, my Oct 17 brother, check out my short film script I posted here recently ('Wildfire'), I will like to hear your feedback.

Naija filmmakers, you too should pay good scriptwriters well o! Good stories are not created from hungry stomach abeg!

Intelligence is subjective...when you consider all factors and various definitions. ..

And if every intelligent person is 'entitled' to a job, what should people who are not naturally endowed intellectually do?

Having intelligence is not enough to be entitled to a job or whatever is the 'prize' being discussed. There's a place of hardwork, common sense and attitude.

If my hardwork attitude gives me the drive to cram and earn a 2:1, what's your business? To me, if you can have a First Class, especially from an unmonitored environment like a Public University, it tells me more about your work ethic and attitude than even intelligence.
So let the 'crammers' enjoy what they worked for.

The bible has said it in Ecclesiastes: "The race is not for the swift, nor the battle to the strong,...nor food to the WISE (OR INTELLIGENT)...time and chance happeneth to them all...". Pray God shows you favour dear.

By the way, not everyone gets 2:1 et al. by cramming.

So much for intelligence. ..

morsadh:
You never fail to deliver in your short scripts.. Good job.

As for the 'commas' in the script, it has been taken care of by Briareos and Prof 800. Once again, good job.

BTW, how far with Paranoia?

I appreciate your comment bro.

Please bear with us on the 'Paranoia' delay.

.

Ikamenze:
Thanx....buts its not a comedy skit,even tho d end was laced with a little humor,my intention was not to be funi...its actually a message piece....if ur mindset isn't too shallow,I'm sure u will get what I'm trying to convey....and I'm not one to be bugged down by genres...(Lemme borrow a few of Sharon's words...while Genres do go a long way,I fink what's really important is telling a Good story...noticed how most hollywood films or series are usually a combination of genres? Nobody wants to be restricted by them)....that said, I don't understand what u meant by it not being realistic or grounded enuf..last I checked,d word was FICTION..if hollywood only made realistic n grounded stories like u suggest,I doubt dey will be whr dey re today...and finally,I've corrected d spellings...good eye by way,read thru it ova 50tyms n I still missed those..one of d cons of writing n editing ur own stuff.

I read ur story....it was alright...pay attention to wot d first guy who commented said.....and pls,don't make dat mistake of writing in ur dialect again (we've actually discussed dis issue b4..even yoruba films aren't written in yoruba) and ur dialogue needs more work......all d same gud effort,kip practicing okay...

I wish d moderators wud move both stories to d front page so dey wud reach a wider audience.....just a thought..

Okay.

Lol...nice effort. Though, I didn't find the story realistic or grounded enough except you want it to be a comedy skit. I may be wrong but that's my opinion.

It started getting funny to me with the line by Mabel: 'I don't follow'.

Pls, check for some spelling errors:
Have you being been....?
Your cv is impressed impressive.
MABEL: Listen Mabel Sharon.

Nice effort bro. You can please check out my short script too I recently posted: 'Midday Special'.

prof800:
I feel the story die.!

Mrs Obong na real mid-day special news caster.
Olofofo... who send am message?


As per the script ehn... I still dey laff because I'm still imagining the awkward disappointment on Mrs Obong's face. haha..
But Briareos has said well. No more comment.
I know you put that translation there intentionally. It is a temptation many writers try to fight. It is sweet but don't fall for it anymore. Such details can be included with your treatment or characters bible or something like "additional notes" I think.

Nice dramedy.

Thanks bro for your comment.

I just couldn't resist not translating it. I have taken notes from you and Briareos though.

I'm glad you found it funny. And I hope you noticed as the info changed from one gossip to another.

Everyone adds their own jara...even if it's a bit of exaggeration to make discussions 'sweeter'.

[quote author=tobbie247 post=31925008][/quote]Nice one bro.

Cc: prof800
Villageboi
tonyayo
Mufex
Ikamenze
Onegig
Semidy4life

^^^^^
I really appreciate your corrections.

I just felt that people (especially those that understand the language, in this case, Yoruba) won't fully enjoy or completely imagine the 'realness' of the dialogue if I wrote it in English and add 'In Yoruba' or whatever language I'm dealing with.

And I will correct the SFX stuff...don't mind me. And it's not like I know about sound o (editing or mixing) .

Your advice is noted and would be acted upon. Thanks bro.

I await your feedback on the story.

WILDFIRE (Dramedy)

By SHOLAY                                  

FADE IN:

INT. DUPLEX/MASTER BEDROOM- DAY
We see the hand of VERO (38) HOLD unto the feet of her HUSBAND (50), who lies on the bed. Vero BURSTS into irrepressible tears and SCREAMS.

INT. FLAT/SITTING ROOM- DAY
MRS OBONG (55), dressed in shirt and wrapper, SITS on the sofa and READS from a newspaper in her hand.

VERO (VOICEOVER CRY THAT EMANATES FROM THE NEARBY DUPLEX)
Ah-ah-ah-ah! My husband! Ah-ah-ah! Oh no!

Mrs Obong instantly stops reading while the loud cry catches her attention.

MRS OBONG (mutters)
Oh my God.

She DROPS the newspaper on the centre table. Her cell phone lying on the table RINGS. She picks the call.

MRS OBONG (Pauses briefly)
Afternoon. Shey the cloth don ready ni?

INT. TAILORING SHOP- DAY
BOLANLE (32) is seated with a dress in her hand and a threaded needle held with her mouth. A tape rule is worn on her neck like a long, unending chain. She HOLDS her phone between her bent head and right shoulder.

BOLANLE
Not really ma, but I will drop it at your place when I’m done. I just wanted to ask…

INTERCUT BETWEEN MRS OBONG’S FLAT AND BOLANLE’S SHOP

MRS OBONG
-You can’t believe it…

BOLANLE
Believe what?

MRS OBONG
It’s like Chief Ikechukwu don die o.

BOLANLE
Jesu!

Bolanle DROPS the dress in her hand on a table and firmly HOLDS the phone to her ear with her hand.

MRS OBONG
I just heard the wife shouting…

BOLANLE
-So he didn’t survive that illness…

MRS OBONG
At all…

BOLANLE
Na wa; the rich indeed also cry. And they keep acting as if they are not human beings. Will he now carry all his wealth to heaven with him? Ah, it’s his wife I pity sha.

MRS OBONG
Pity as how? (Hisses) A woman I suspect has a hand in his death.

BOLANLE
Ehn-ehn-ehn?

MRS OBONG
Isn’t it obvious? What does a young woman like her want with a very rich man that’s fifteen years older than her? I know gold diggers when I see them.

BOLANLE
This is serious. Let’s just pray that God continues to protect us.

MRS OBONG
Amen o. And we should keep doing good. Let me quickly check on her.

BOLANLE
Okay ma.

Mrs Obong ends the call and RETIES her wrapper.

Bolanle SIGHS and picks up the dress on the table.

BOLANLE (To one of her apprentices)
Chisom, drop whatever you’re doing and pick up that Mrs Obong’s material. I don’t want her to skin me alive.

CHISOM (O.S)
Yes ma.

INT. FLAT/SITTING ROOM- DAY
Mrs Obong takes the newspaper on the centre table along with her cell phone and leaves for the bedroom quickly.

INT. TAILORING SHOP- DAY
Bolanle REMOVES the tape rule from her neck and takes some measurements on some yards of Ankara.
FUNMI (31), dressed in expensive traditional regalia, emerges with car keys in her hand.

The conversation between Bolanle and Funmi is in Yoruba language.

BOLANLE
Ah...ah, my dear friend...

FUNMI
How are you?

BOLANLE
You showed up here today.

FUNMI
I just decided to branch at your shop.

BOLANLE
Chisom, get my friend a good chair.

CHISOM (O.S)
Yes ma.

BOLANLE
Funmi, the big madam. Your skin is really glowing oh.

FUNMI
See who’s talking.

A blue plastic chair enters frame (with the help of Chisom) and Funmi SITS comfortably.

FUNMI
How is work?

BOLANLE
Fine jare. I just heard that Chief Ikechukwu is dead o.

FUNMI
He is dead?!

BOLANLE
He is dead o. He died this afternoon.

FUNMI
Ah, at last. When he would be involved in occult stuffs, why won’t the illness kill him? There’s no gain in such things.

BOLANLE
You mean the man is involved in fetish things?

FUNMI
Aren’t you aware? A man is that rich without any child to call his own, don’t you know he used his manhood?

BOLANLE
I don’t believe oh. The man was a 'sound' Christian naa.

FUNMI
Na u sabi. I don talk my own.

BOLANLE
-But I’m sure his wife has a hand in his death. Such a young, beautiful woman didn’t see the single men out there but rather a man that’s twenty years older…pfft!

FUNMI
That’s true. I didn’t even think towards that side.

BOLANLE
It’s quite obvious. Human beings are terrible. That woman is not innocent I tell you.

Funmi SHAKES her head and CHECKS her wristwatch.

FUNMI
Ah, it’s getting late. My customers will be waiting for me. Let me be going.

BOLANLE
I’m grateful that you even came.

INT. FLAT/SITTING ROOM- DAY
Mrs Obong emerges from the bedroom, HOLDS a mirror while she COMBS her partly grey hair. She is dressed differently now.

INT. CAR- DAY
Funmi DRIVES in her car while she SCROLLS down the call list on her phone. She MAKES a call.

FUNMI
Hello dear…

INT. CAR- DAY
CHIBUZOR (34), dressed in shirt and slackened tie, while his suit lies beside the driver’s seat, DRIVES in his car too.

CHIBUZOR
How far, baby?  

INTERCUT BETWEEN FUNMI AND CHIBUZOR

FUNMI
Fine. I just felt like checking on you. How is work?

CHIBUZOR
Work is fine. I’m having this serious headache; I’m heading home now.

FUNMI
Sorry. There is a packet of paracetamol on the dressing mirror.

CHIBUZOR
Okay.

FUNMI
Ehn-ehn, I just heard that Chief Ike is dead.

CHIBUZOR
Chief Ikechukwu?

FUNMI
Ehn naa. He is dead o. His wife killed him from what I’m hearing.

CHIBUZOR
Are you serious?

FUNMI
Hm-hm.
(Beat)
I’ve always known that lady didn’t marry him for nothing.

CHIBUZOR
Na wa. Maybe I will branch at Chief’s place to see things for myself.

FUNMI
Okay.

CHIBUZOR
You’re in shop abi?

FUNMI
Yes.

CHIBUZOR
Okay. ‘Will call you when I get home.

FUNMI
Okay. Bye.

Funmi ENDS the call.

EXT. FLAT- DAY
Mrs Obong emerges from her flat and LOCKS the door.

EXT. ROADSIDE- DAY
Mrs Obong WALKS the tarred road, towards the duplex. We see TAYO (29), cleaning a car parked by the road in a vest and ‘three-quarter’. He cleans with a damp cloth.

TAYO (O.S)
Good afternoon, ma.

MRS OBONG
Afternoon, Tayo. You no go work?

TAYO
I’m on leave.

MRS OBONG
I see. You’ve heard that Vero just lost her husband?

TAYO
Chief Ikechukwu is dead?

MRS OBONG (nods)
It’s really unfortunate.

TAYO
God. Is that where you’re going?

MRS OBONG
Hm-hm.

Tayo SQUEEZES out the little moisture left in the damp cloth.
MRS. OBONG’S POV- Chibuzor’s car arrives and STOPS in front of his fenced house, which is a stone throw from the duplex.
Mrs Obong and Tayo amble towards the house. Chibuzor marches towards them. They soon meet and continue strolling towards the duplex.

CHIBUZOR
Afternoon, ma.

MRS OBONG
Afternoon, my brother.

CHIBUZOR
Is it true Chief is dead?

TAYO
He is o.  

CHIBUZOR
What could have made his wife kill him?

MRS OBONG
 Who told you that?

CHIBUZOR
Has the police taken up the case?

MRS OBONG
Hun?

We see a longshot of five people MARCH towards the gate of the duplex.
The gate suddenly FLIES open and we see Vero come out of the house, amidst tears and CARRIES two travelling bags and a hand bag. She is shocked and confused to find five people standing outside. She gently CLOSES the gate and CLEANS her face.

VERO
What’s…what’s happening?

CHIBUZOR
Where are you running to?

VERO
Excuse me?

MRS OBONG (Interrupts)
-Don’t mind him. Vero, we are very sorry about what happened. Man proposes, but God disposes. Just know we are here for you if…

VERO
What are you talking about?

MRS OBONG
I heard you when you screamed.
(Beat)
We all know Chief is dead.

VERO
W-What rubbish?! My husband is alive on his sick bed. In fact, he is getting better. Where did all this come from? And what are you people doing here?!

CHIBUZOR
If he is getting better, where are you running to, without taking any of your cars?

VERO (Scoffs)
You must be kidding me. (Voice cracks) I just discovered my husband of eleven years has a three year old boy with one stupid-looking girl and you expect me not to scream?!
(Beat)
He was okay when I met him, but all the wealth he amassed today is not without my effort. Yes, I married him for love, not his money. And I tried my best having a child for him…God knows I tried but…but it has been futile. Is…is this how he should pay me back?

MRS OBONG
Sorry ehn. Man proposes, God disposes…

TAYO (whispers to her)
I think you already said that once.

VERO (CONT’D)
To cap it all, my name is not in his will…not even a mention. Oh yes, his ‘son’ is his next of kin and beneficiary of everything I’ve laboured for. But you know what, I will not give up without fighting back. I’m not taking a dime from this house; I’m calling my lawyer.
(Beat)
So, are you all happy now?

There is an awkward silence.

MRS OBONG
It’s obvious there has been a misconception here. We are sincerely sorry.

Vero eyes her.

MRS OBONG (To others)
Oya, make we go our house now…

VERO
-Please do! And I wonder how such nonsense spreads like wildfire. If it’s good news, none of you will be here. Please, leave for your homes! Life would be better if everyone minds their own business.

Mrs Obong and her ‘cohorts’ quickly DISPERSE amidst low-key chats.  A cab arrives and stops in front of Vero.

FADE OUT

tobbie247:
Would you like to see the 2 different pics?

Of course.

Please let me see.

I love this.