₦airaland Forum

ileobatojo: You may be concerned that the wedding preparations are already going on. That's fair enough, you are only human. However, marriage is not all about the wedding day. It is about the remaining 50 yrs or so of your life that you will both have to spend together. People have called off their weddings a week to it before for the right reasons. None of the people coming to eat and party at your wedding will suffer with you once you're in the marriage, you will have to face it all on your own.

Nobody is perfect in this world. Everyone has a fault or the other. That doesn't mean you should be abused because of it. There are men who will love you for you even with your faults and never abuse you so it is never about your faults when you're with an abuser. It is all about their twisted mentality.

ileobatojo: Your fiancé is an abuser and you can be guaranteed it will get worse when you are married. The chances of his constantly beating you after marriage are close to 100%. Don't believe for one second that what he is doing is out of love. It is NOT love! It is purely out of a need to control you and put you down. What he is doing is emotional and verbal abuse. it will soon escalate to physical abuse. The best and only right decision for you to make is to RUN away for your safety and sanity. I can GUARANTEE you that he will not change. This man will have no qualms beating you up daily when married. Are you ready to live like this or worse for the rest of your life? If the answer is yes, then by all means go ahead. If the answer is no, then you know what to do. There are better men out there and don't for one second believe that there aren't.

You don't need to work on this relationship, any relationship where you have to be reduced to a robot dummy to sustain it is not a healthy one. Why should you be the one making all these changes to keep the relationship, are you ready to spend the rest of your life changing yourself to keep him happy? Even if you delete all your male friends from your life, he will accuse you of sleeping with the pastor in church, with the meat seller at the market, with your co-worker or boss at work. Or is it possible you will never come in contact with any other man again for the rest of your life? He will always find a reason to accuse you of cheating.

Don't be fooled by his nice words and promises. Those are the classic things abusers do to maintain control over their victims.

You have seen the signs, you are having the right suspicions, you need to boldly follow through with what your instincts are telling you. Find your own God given man who will love you for who you are and not try to make you into a zombie so he will be happy.

The people advising you to run have rightly identified that this is an abuser, that's why they are warning you. It's not because they don't want you to have a 'man'.


Now visit this website and educate yourself about abusers and the traits they manifest. I promise you it will open your eyes. Here are some excerpts.

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER.

Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his victim, he typically demonstrates his abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:

Charm.
Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage.

For example; he will ask if she has ever been abused by anyone. If she says, "yes", he will act outraged that anyone could treat a woman that way. Then when he becomes abusive, he will tell her no one will believe her because she said that before and it must be her fault or two people would not have hit her.

Another example; he may find out she experimented with drugs in her past. He will then threaten that if she tells anyone about the abuse he will report her as a drug abuser and she will lose her children. The threat to take away her children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.

Isolation.
Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.

Social isolation usually begins with wanting the woman to spend time with him and not her family, friends or co-workers. He will then slowly isolate her from any person who is a support to her. He dictates whom she can talk to; he tells her she cannot have contact with her friends or family.

Jealousy.
Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. He constantly accuses her of having affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims a LovePeddler or a slut.

Emotional Abuse.
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim's self-esteem. He blames her for his violence, puts her down, calls her names and makes threats against her. Over time, she no longer believes she deserves to be treated with respect and she blames herself for his violence. For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.

Control.
Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim's life: where she goes, how she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, whom she talks to. He will control the money and access to money. Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.

The following are the reasons we know his behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.

If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly “out of control” he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.

The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were “out of control” or “in a rage” he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

http://www.wcstjoco.org/blog/domestic-violence.html

Your fiancé is demonstrating ALL 5 signs of an abuser noted here. Please apply your mind, review this critically and I hope for your sake that you come to the right decision. Please visit that website, there is a lot more information there.

afam4eva: Sharp-sharp hotel?

maclatunji: Respect her choice.

yuzedo: Because he is a ugly virgins with bendy-legs!!!
Who is Suen Asawo? Is he p-squaar? Very ugly tin, no offence.

REALITY101: I just sent 43 p0rn videos! Got em?

Basic: Okey, find something else to post, please!
Yar'Adua was hospitalised in S.Arabia. How has that made Saudi a part of Nigeria?
Every year Nigerians troop out in thousands to the US and UK. Yet, you didn't call those ones "Nigeria's satellites."
Now, you're making reference to Germany simply because Nigerians are going there on health grounds (I'm not saying this is normal anyway - lest some shallow thinkers take this up). And at the end of your story, you cited less than 5 examples (when I thought you've got thousands of them, going by your topic).
Sit down and read the piece again. I'm sure something will tell you this from within: "Did I really write this? What came over me? Oh, this probably must have been due to joblessness. Let me get something doing!"
I'm not saying you've written BS, but other countries fit in your satire better than Germany. So, you got it wrong there!

coogar: apply common sense, aunty!
i said that the most gentle of men cannot turn to beasts overnight without any reason....the cases we have been hearing here is that a man woke up and started beating his wife without reasons - how is that possible? why are you then likening it to a man that is provoked by the actions of a woman? did you miss your supplements of vitamins this morning?

Subtext: [s]Slimyem dear, why are you rantng like a little spoilt brat? [/s]

Anyway, since you say you've read all the posts, did you notice how practically ALL the men (male responses) said the lady ought to reveal while practically ALL the female responses said ' the past is in the past'?

I wasalready asleep but the force of your goodnight woke me up! Please don't do that again, ok. nite nite dear.

Subtext: None Taken. Yaaawwn. I'll turn in now, got work tomorrow. It's good you've read my chauvinistic post though. Cheers.

coogar: people(men and women) can be animals without self control - anger can turn the most gentle of men into physical beasts....to deny these things is delusion! you mean you have never seen these angelic women turn to beasts when they catch their husband's mistress? davidylan, abeg get some perspective!

Subtext: Have you really heard about a girl who fell in love with a guy, was ready to marry him, but decided against it simply because she found out he used to be a player? Think about it.

Girls/ladies crave to find a player they can turn to a single-woman-man.

How many threads have you seen started with a guy wondering howmuch he should reveal?

Women usually don't care as long as they love the guy, he loves them, and they believe he has changed. Finito!

I hate to sound condemning (if I do) but we need to tell speak the truth and more of it, so people learn. kapische?

blink182: $1 a video, you are so heartless.