₦airaland Forum

...love the black man response...but these two just reminded us that racism is still very much around...

maclatunji: In order not to argue unnecessarily, people should be allowed to respond to the topic from whatever angle they choose as long as they seek to address the theme of this thread at least on a basic level.

We want to learn about the different mindsets people have about marriage, how it is supposed to function and how to make it a successful institution in our lives.

I hope you get my drift.

okay!

debosky: Dunno what ChrisB is on about -

I'm equally confused!!

Why is everyone preaching here?
Isn't this thread supposed to be about addressing the questions the op asked as it applies to one?

loling@put it on front page cuz its a national problem..

Depends on the flooring of the house and how clean it is...

....

...

@Chrisbenorgor...Your point of view something else...
She's looking for reasons to leave the guy?
Really?
Did you see her posts futher down where she was only responding to peeps who asked her to stay and saying she was ready to work with him?
On this thread,she has sounded no where like one who has someone on the side.
Instead,she has sounded like one who thinks she can't have any better outside this man!
...so she said he "grilled" her and you have only explained "grilling" as you thought it to be.
If i would use "grilling" as a word in this issue,its definitely deeper than how causual you make it sound.Your scenarios don't qualify as grilling.They better qualify as "necessary questions".
The op appears learned and i don't believe she'd use that word if it wasn't exactly as it means!
If the status of his obsession with her cheating has changed over 20 months like you implied,why is this thread here?why is she having doubts?
Why is she worried?
.
Even if she had lied and kept changing her stories hence the distrust,why hasn't he left her?
Why does he feel the need to control an adult like her,monitor her movements and social activities?
Isn't that obsession at its peak?
Is she his daughter?
Or a teen that needs to be monitored?
If you still can't see how this is all wrong,then i give up!!
You are impossible!

Single people: what do you think
marriage should do for you?

I don't understand this question..

What are your
expectations of your future spouse? For
example, do you accept that marriage
confines you to be only intimate with your
wife or wives if you plan to be polygamous
as a man? Or do you think you owe your
future spouse(s) no such obligation? Do you
let the person you intend to marry know
this?

Whoever i end up with has to be someone that shares the same or almost the same values,beliefs and perceptions with me from all angles and i expect that it should be what guides the course of the marriage.Yes,i also accept that marriage confines me to be intimate with one person for the rest of my life and i would expect that my partner accepts the same against all odds.

Would you rather stay single if you don't
find someone that meets your exact
specifications for marriage

Yes,i would.My ideal specifications are not overboard or beyond the ordinary and possible so if i don't find that someone,i'd happily remain single.

or would you
reduce your expectations and marry
someone who reasonably meets your
expectations going by the popular notion
that "no one is perfect". If you agree to
"settle for less", are you sure you won't bear
grudges when the other party begins to
show traits that are not so endearing to
you? In other words, do you think you can
you handle such a situation without
straining the marriage?

Yes,no one is perfect and i have never sought out looking for a perfect person but some things are just too important to wave aside when it surrounds one who i plan to spend the rest of my life with.
I almost settled for less once but after some deep-thinking and soul-searching,i just knew inside that i would be frustrated and hate myself forever if i made that choice.
So,No. "settling for less" is not going to be an option!

Hmmn......
Thread sounds promising...
Brb!

^^i believe we are all operating on "what ifs" level here.
As far as i know,the op didn't try to paint herself as saintly on this thread...neither did she sound like she was condemning the guy.She even confessed to having lied and explained her reasons.
IMO,she doen't even want the guy to be blamed.she wants validation on him so i don't think she's putting him in bad light like you inferred.
Who doesnt lie?
Who doesn't have a few faults here and there?
Now,forget the other side of the story for a minute Chris..."what if" all that the op said is actually the whole truth?
What would you advice her?
....or would you say there are no guys who could be exactly as she described?
How you cannot see the picture in this story is what i don't understand.

Raising this thread up from the dead on purpose..
Some girls on this section really need it...

MissCorrection: Recommended

It was a typo dumbo!
...used twice in that post..
Guess you didn't see the correct one...huh?
Get a life please!!

updates please!!!

[quote author=Idi-Amin]What I am up to? I am already doing your mama. sick pervert[/quote]relax man...
Why you are even choosing to repond to comments that insult you,thumbs up to the ones that support your actions and ignore the ones that show perspective is what i don't get...
Why did you come here for advice/opinions then if you knew you are very touchy and knew you wouldn't take them?

ifyalways: Since seex and tattoo are very important to you, why did you marry someone without any tattoo?

lmao.
...and why didn't he even tell her before marrying her?
..maybe she'd have reached a compromise with him somewhere...
Funny!!

afam4eva: Yes, i get it. Why don't you make me the face of Nairaland so that i can manage the fame for you.

lmao..
Which face?
That wrinkled one?

Chrisbenogor: Deeeep Sigh,

Question, 20 months is not enough for her to know if her man is a potential abuser that would send her to a body bag?
Her complaint was fixed on the guy being insecure and not trusting her. I see nowhere she says he has any violent streak in him, people can accuse people of being unfaithful without resorting to fist fights.

My grouse is simple, he does not trust her. That does not mean he will start beating her up, scaring her with violence and "potential abuser" that was whipped out of thin air like a magic spell from a wizard's wand is what I have called a photoshopped picture of the future.

A lot of people are not informed about abuse and she could be with him for 5 years and still not know or know and keep making excuses for him like she's doing now..
She's always had concerns and that she has chosen two months to the wedding to air and get advice on them is a good decision.Even if it is two days to the wedding she chooses to walk,it would still be a good decision!
.
Even if the complaints were just insecurity and trust issues like you insist,does it make sense that the issues are still there after 20 months of a relationship?
.
"Warning signs" like we gave here are supposed to help one analyse a situation properly so one doesn't make terrible mistakes as the case may be....and when these signs are this loud,doesn't it just make sense to step back.
Where is the phottoshopping?
.
I'm not so much of a polemic so...i'm out!
Wish her the best!

Op definitely came here to get a pat on the back that he's doing alright but now that he doesn't get that,all Nigerians suddenly have low IQ!
How you come to seek advice from peeps with low IQ is what i don't understand...
...and how people start controversial threads like this expect not to get diverse opinions baffles me.
.
Funny how op is stuck on his intial ideals on the issue and how he's discarded most of the things said here..
I'm out!!

Chrisbenogor: @slimyem
Sadly everything starts one day, and this is still not enough to pass the judgement on the man. I think you and odunnu still see it that since an abuser is insecure then all insecure people are abusers, this is very very wrong.

I wonder if you read the op's story...
The man is not just insecure...he is also obssessive,controlling and manipulative.why have you chosen not to see that?

There are a lot of women out there that are insecure about their men, does that equate to their being abusers? and their men would be in body bags?

like i said above,insecurity is not just the only sign of a potential abuser.there's more...and yes,women can be abusers too!

Even the article is so biased as to calling abusers "prince charming" as if only men abuse women.

...and why not replace the quoted with princess stunning/delectable and the "he" with "she"

I disagree with anyone being physically abused, nobody's life should be threatened MAN OR WOMAN OR CHILD, this should be about humanity not setting up shop in the women camp and point fingers at men.

No one is pointing fingers ar men except you are seeing what's not there..
Abuse is not gender-specific!

Giving the OP this photoshopped picture of the future is grossly unfair to her, her relationship and the guy. Some people are insecure due to the past it does not mean that they are violent.

there is nothing photoshopped about this picture..
It would be unfair if insecurity was just the problem but its clearly not!
At the end of the day,her decision would still be her choice.we can only do so much to influence it.
And i am just concerned for a dear sister!

deshclones: Okay lets all assume OP is right and that her guy is all that she has spewed forth....then she should run.....but run to where??am more concerned with the after effect of her calling off the engagement...for fccks sake a guy that is that possessive can go to any length to get even..think what the op needs now is advice on how to flee from this guy and his wrath..

so because the guy can go to any lengths to get even,she should endure it all,get married to him and endure the marriage forever?
..and how can you intereprete RUN as physical running?
Don't you know what a "literal" word is?
Then if she has concerns about him hurting her,what happens to getting a restraining order?

...and op,just like someone earlier mentioned...how about you teach you children to knock on doors instead of barging in all the time.
If anytime is the time,NOW is the time to teach them such!!
You are making them think its okay to watch anyone have their baths and they'd definitely keep doing it outside if they have to go on holiday or something...
Be wise!!

Op,how long are you planning to continue this habit of yours around your children?
....into their teens...i suppose??

For Chrisbenogor..
WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER.
Before an abuser starts physically assaulting
his victim, he typically demonstrates his
abusive tactics through certain behaviors.
The following are five major warning signs
and some common examples:
Charm.
Abusers can be very charming. In the
beginning, they may seem to be Prince
Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He
can be very engaging, thoughtful,
considerate and charismatic. He may use
that charm to gain very personal
information about her. He will use that
information later to his advantage.
For example; he will ask if she has ever been
abused by anyone. If she says, "yes", he will
act outraged that anyone could treat a
woman that way. Then when he becomes
abusive, he will tell her no one will believe
her because she said that before and it must
be her fault or two people would not have
hit her.
Another example; he may find out she
experimented with drugs in her past. He will
then threaten that if she tells anyone about
the abuse he will report her as a drug
abuser and she will lose her children. The
threat to take away her children is one of
the most common threats abusers use to
maintain power and control over their
victims.
Isolation.
Abusers isolate their victims geographically
and socially. Geographic isolation includes
moving the victim from her friends, family
and support system (often hundreds of
miles); moving frequently in the same area
and/or relocating to a rural area.
Social isolation usually begins with wanting
the woman to spend time with him and not
her family, friends or co-workers. He will
then slowly isolate her from any person who
is a support to her. He dictates whom she
can talk to; he tells her she cannot have
contact with her friends or family.
Jealousy.
Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the
victim. He constantly accuses her of having
affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he
accuses her of having an affair with the
grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he
accuses her of having an affair with the
bank teller. Abusers routinely call their
victims a LovePeddler or a slut.
Emotional Abuse.
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy
the victim's self-esteem. He blames her for
his violence, puts her down, calls her names
and makes threats against her. Over time,
she no longer believes she deserves to be
treated with respect and she blames herself
for his violence. For some survivors of
domestic violence, the emotional abuse may
be more difficult to heal from than the
physical abuse.
Control.
Abusers are very controlled and very
controlling people. In time, the abuser will
control every aspect of the victim's life:
where she goes, how she wears her hair,
what clothes she wears, whom she talks to.
He will control the money and access to
money. Abusers are also very controlled
people. While they appear to go into a rage
or be out of control we know they are very
much in control of their behavior.
The following are the reasons we know his
behaviors are not about anger and rage:
He does not batter other individuals - the
boss who does not give him time off or the
gas station attendant that spills gas down
the side of his car. He waits until there are
no witnesses and abuses the person he says
he loves.
If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop
when the phone rings or the police come to
the door?" She will say "yes". Most often
when the police show up, he is looking
calm, cool and collected and she is the one
who may look hysterical. If he were truly
“out of control” he would not be able to
stop himself when it is to his advantage to
do so.
The abuser very often escalates from
pushing and shoving to hitting in places
where the bruises and marks will not show.
If he were “out of control” or “in a rage” he
would not be able to direct or limit where
his kicks or punches land.
http://www.wcstjoco.org/blog/domestic-
violence.html

Chrisbenogor: Did she allude anywhere that he has physically abused her before? I find it shocking that every woman with a relationship wahala should run because a "live dog is better than a dead lion"

Physical abuse doesn't start in one day...
Maybe you should read up on signs to recognise a potential abuser...
There was a post on that somewhere on page 3.
All qualities she attributed to her fiancee are that of a potential abuser..
Imma find you the post..

Interesting interview...
Wizkid's going places...
..but why crushing on big aunty nah...?
...and that presenter called Toolz is so BIG!!

[quote author=Idi-Amin]Ok, I see what this is turning into. I never said I 'flaunt my thing' or teach them 'practical sex education'. people are starting to assume I am telling my daughters to look and touch, and tell them this is balls and this is manliness. anyway, thanks for the feedback[/quote]you do not close bathroom doors when having a shower,you do pissing contest with you son...
You do not use a towel when moving from the bathroom to your room.
What's the definition of all of that if not "flaunting"?
You are practically waving it in their face mister...and they are not babies anymore!
How long are you planning to keep doing this anyways?
..till they grow into their teens?

Chrisbenogor: And those people married to angels have started asking her to run, how can you read someone's story and just assume the guy would potentially abuse her?
Does being insecure equate to being an abuser?

Happy single miss indeed. SMH

When she comes to lament or start a thread about abuse in a few months of marriage to him,you are the same ones who'll ask her if she didn't see the signs and/or why she ignored them..
You are the same ones who'l tell her how she has laid her bed and should lie on it and how divorce is not an option!!
I'm not surprised!!!

[quote author=Idi-Amin]Even if they dont ask at home. dont they go to school? they will ask sooner or later, they will have peers in school. When you start hiding this this education from your kids and make it a taboo to ask about their private parts, that is when they will start exploring at age 13 and bring disgrace into your house[/quote]You shouldn't even wait for them to ask but when they ask it shouldnt be because you been flaunting your thing in their face all over the house.
Sex education is good but it has to be verbal not practical like you are doing and its has to be when the child's mind is developed enough to understand and digest the idea not at age 4 or age 7.
What they should be learning now is how they shouldn't allow anyone touch them in those places and/or let you or their mum knows if such happens!!

Op,is it until your son starts asking you why your thing is bigger than his own that you'll know its wrong?
...or until your daughters ask you why your own isn't like their own?
They are your children but they are well grown past that totally innocent stage....
Be wise!!

Ignore anyone telling you to reassure him or talk with him or be nice to him..
No amount of reassurance will work!
He is an obsessive control freak!!
It is in him!!
You can't change him!!
He is a violent husband in the making!
Be wise!!!