₦airaland Forum

parable:
i once dated a married women who happened 2 be a pastor's wyf and it really went deeper than u can imagine.u kno what,i can never forgive my self for that,and please if you are lucky not to have made this mistake y not avoid it.it got nothing to offer you but the law of karma

how did you get into it, pastor's wife for that matter?

@poster

If this scenerio is disturbing you that much then tell your wife how you feel about it. if she is very wise, she will find a way to stop such visit. but on your own if you'v got such information, don't you know you have to relocate her far from such past?

e bi like say you want a start over again,

@ poster
yes some are saying leave him, he doesn't love you any more,
others are saying stay, pray harder, go for counseling, talk elderly ones etc,

on your part there is a lot of things you have to consider in this situation of yours. check what each contributor says against there location.
check what they say against their past contributions, especially on issues close to yours.

then from your story line, "I hear the voice of jacob", something is checky but you are looking that line;

1. you said his mother and father are separated.
2. you said you have a brief encounter with part of his family, not enough to evaluate their kind.
3. you also said he makes reference to his family when defending his actions towards you.
4. you also said he sleeps around and stays out a lot.

Well you may buy what pips here are saying but my take is; your African , Nigerian at that, we dont rush off from marriages. your mummy advices you to hang on for a reason, why becos she has an faint idea and she may not have put her finger on it yet.

if you check through your post, there pointers to your problem, to me its just a circle repeating itself. what happened in his parent home is coming to hunt him. you have to guard against it happening in your and also being carried over to your little daughter's in future. this is your time to break the circle and save a generation, what will take hard work and dedication from you to set a good life for your daughter.

what kind of dad does he have?
what kind of mother also?
do you have an idea what brought his parent break up?
who does he support or back in his parents' break up?
do you see a lot of similarity in behavior with his father?
do an in depth analysis of his mother's personality.

as to helping you on this issue;

do you guys as a couple relate to some elderly couple in your area, I mean does he have some elderly couples he respect? if he does, then you may need to talk to them. if you also know any of his friends that happily married and do cherish his wife and the wife is also your friend, tell them to talk some sense into him.
on the prayer side, how prayerful are you? if you believe in prayer then I already see you as winning your husband back. but if you take the bad advice I see here then you the only sane person has given your daughter a wrong legacy. thanks, I hope you see this, by God.

men, its not easy reading through all the posts. its fascinating indeed.

my conclusion; BIRDS OF THE SAME FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER.
                         LIKE BEGET LIKES.
                         YOU ONLY ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE THE INSIDE.
                         YOU RECEIVED WHAT YOU ASKED FOR.
                          YOU ARE PAID IN YOUR OWN COIN.[pre][/pre]

I am a naija man living in naija, we come in different shapes, heights and color. if you want it god we give it out good but if you want it bad its your cup,

our girls will complain but they like us as we are, by the way na same mama born we.

anyway in a few months I jetting to the alter with my Niger delta beau, I am nwa nna gujuru ara afo.
they may not understand culture n its differences but we go make them understand we.

MONKEY NO FINE BUT IM MAMA LOVE AM SO.

PROUDLY NAIJA.

Girl,
the wise thing to do is relegate him to reserve bench, give yourself some space for another guy to see you.

this may open his eyes. but don't force him into marriage, you will not like the result.

Untill people like nzeribe die off, this country n imo will know no peace. he might have made money legally or not, the truth remains that he n pple like him are selfish, they think about their own good not the country.

pointblank. its like agaba expresses it well.

this matter should rest then.


i stand by u agaba123

agabaI23:
What a did she go to do in friend finder ( Adult friend finder linked abi) when she is in happy relationship?

Assuming she could go there for fun, why give out her number to whoever?

You know the grass is always greener on the other side.


May be you allow her test that other side and see what happens.

Do not kill yourself over a human being who from you story is losing interest in you.

She will come back.  She probably has met someone who promised her a car and a life in heaven. What she is trying to do now is to blame the breakdown on you considering the time and resources you have invested. She is feeling guilty already but is determined to move on.

Give her the space to act out her movie and  just be the spectator. You are a man. Enjoy being single for a while and take another plunge.

I am sure you already have viable options Good luck

all I tried to say in a lecture u said in few words kodus.

I dont wont to lose harakiri to the wild.

we can learn the street boy attitude but not live his way.

I am a one woman -man but no girl can toy with my heart.

ur explanation show u really care for this babe. to tell u the truth, she care for u too just that she is confused. why will she keep on coming to ur place even at that? why has she not walked out on u? guy she is in a period of I want n at same time I do not want. it take some one more mature n one she respect to talk sense to her.

if she want a break then give her the break n see what happens. its a period promise her u wait for her within that period. try it n see.

it take one to lose something dear to value such,

its time I come out. mine ended the way that makes me happy.

there was this girl I met like when she was in 3rd year n in her final year I focused on her for marriage. told her this is what I want to do n if she wants it good with me.my mum liked her like mad.

well as time went on, she started showing some bad color, she will snub me for no reason, at first I tot maybe I v done something bad. I will beg to get her talking. at a time I just told her to stop this snubbing stuff. that I am a husband to be n snubbing shld be her survival tactics in school. well she did not change but the height was the period I called my dad to inform him of my plans for introduction. he demanded for some info, which when i called my girl to give those info, babe went deaf n dumb. to me I concluded she need space n went on to give her dat.

next she showed up at my house accusing me of not caring, not calling, not texting. I showed her record of all my effort to reach her. next she walk out on me. i called on her to stop, she just stumped on.

well I said, this is it. I dont call anymore, I even called my dad n told him to disregard what I told him previously.

Next I call babe to lambaste her, if she got another guy, she could tell me in a friendly way,than to behave that way. as for me life goes on. then I had a professional exam to write. I lock out my mind put all my effort into my studies n wao. i lost the girl but passed my exams, today my salary has increased, i got another girl.

this ex, after a while came visiting asking me what is my plan for her. trust me, I told her to forget it, my mind is not with her anymore,know what/ she said i never had any love for her. i was wondering I made efforts to get her to her senses but she was too stubborn n I felt her music will soon run out but will be there to offer her a hanky?


harakiri,

if u want then u want but if u dont want take a walk, definitely she will come to her sense but will u be there fore her. something is beating that music, until its over she will continue to give u shit. how long can u take shit. or psychologically u cant revert the table.

give her time to dance tro the music, if u want her then she will be yours full heart.

yes if she is important to you but if she is not then why are u here. go get another girl.

take this story it might show wisdom.

One elderly man had his wife of so many years appointed a local government caretaker committee one time like that. when this old bloke saw less of his wife he called some friend n relation to a party just to inform them to start looking for a young fine n well behaved girl for him to marry. that at his age now he need some care n he is not denying himself that.

u know what, when his wife start getting calls from all corner no body told her to do the right thing. she had to weigh her case n fine out her husband is more important to the LGA stuff. she resigned.

@davdylan
switosman na story u dey tell. This woman is practically tired of the relationship and wants out. Bros is holding on for something that no longer exists.

bros, its not bad to want something to bad, some can kill to have it. poster is in his right to want n until its proved the he cant, he cant do alot even toll some friends along, male n F.

haraakiri get some fun with it, get some spare, show ur skill let her know its her u want but if she dont want u can as well give it out.

Mr guy, i don do all dat one already.All dey enter voice mail. No reply. Wetin man go do? E be like say she no send anything again.She no even dey show remorse sef, instead na to dey yarn say i dey accuse am falsely.Imagine!



then u can start shouting out to people that know her well. so when it comes to the open she may open up. do u keep records if not then start a write up on all ur effort. my take is some thing is beating some rough music for her somewhere, unless she tries that she will not reason

@ poster

Maybe yes you are over reacting or no, you are not.

the issue is  one kind.
ist, how long have this been going on?
can you pin point the beginning of all these?


the solution.

from my case, I am the hard lover type but very responsible cos I respect the marriage institution so much. so i give u some hard tactics,

1. Assure her that you want this marriage n if she does not want it she is free to say so ( give her a time period){my philosophy here is U CANT HAVE WHAT U R NOT READY TO LOSE}.

2. maybe you are an open book, she can read you so well, hence she can manipulate you well. reset yourself, have an element of surprise.

3. wear your " i dont care cap" this time bend toward " I dont care if u dont care too".

4. the big test: tell her U dont want to die now, her recent actions are not good for your health, she can go some place, she should give u a break to regain some freshness into your life. she may need time to try out her new found companions.

before all these make sure u have tried to make see sense. tell her people too, dont give details even when they ask.
tell her friends too. if she has a pastor tell him too. then lock up n apply the above rules.




NOTE. WHATEVER U DO AFTER A WHILE DO CALL HER ON PHONE, HER RESPONSE WILL TELL U IF SHE REALLY WANTS IT OR SHE IS JUST PULLING your LEGS.

Just my opinion:

@poster
have you given thanks to god for your situation. its a bad one but yours is better than someone somewhere.
to me you have no problem when you see people with real problem.

well people are entitled to their opinion; some can cast a thousand stones while some will give a little help. but my fore dads will say,"if a matter results at same point any time it comes up then there need for an appraisal".

we can keep up the circular motions but if it wont get us any solution then its a waste of time n effort.

nairaland is more like a town-hall arena. so lets get it rolling.

think about couples with no intimacy because either the guy cant get erect or the girl is stone frigid.
think about couple with a little intimacy because either the guy cant keep it till she comes or the girl is sour at her joint.
2nd scenario, the guy can suspend that the girl get exhausted n about to faint, even dry up to the point she aches.
think about couples that have got an understanding, "to your tents o Israel" kind of stuff., which we call "OYO" today.ie both couples are catching fun outside the marriage.
then think about a couple that is having a heaven on earth environment in their marriage. this take a lot of energy n time plus wisdom to achieve.

to me all problems got a solution somewhere. if you are ready to pray n think. maybe research it, then its not a problem.

only if you can get your wife to be sincere with you or to a counselor, once the root of the problem is gotten then its bingo. think again, you may be the problem. check the kind of thoughts you harbor or she harbors.

maybe she may need to tune up herself n you tune down yourself to achieve harmony in intimacy. you may need to device new approach or rather rekindle your sense of surprise. you may need to go on a rediscovery trip n when you are through may need what a call "tender heart despoil" to awake her to what she is missing.

do ask yourself, her loss of interest may be out of fear she may get pregnant again. boy you have a lot of work to do unless you have decided to take the lazy man's way n trade blame.

this issue is universal n people that are "blunt " should pray it never comes there way; like my mama used to tell me.

I AM WAITING FOR REPLYS, THANKS

hey poster you've got a lot in here anyway add this also.

Dont ever throw away your dreams. what was your dreams before u got married? hold unto them at least, what remains of them after "marriage adjusted".
in your prayer give thanks, some one some where is in worst situation than you. then bare your mind to God for wisdom to handle your situation. Read books on related topics ( if u cant buy borrow).

@ poster.

Pls be a little realistic, such never happens. is he an absentee husband?

lets play the jams,

I am waiting to get a good answer from the ladies on similar question. My story; I asked an ex-date, when we met again n she wanted us to reconnect "I know what I will do for u but what u can do for me is what I am trying to figure out, ". pple the answer I got was," I will help with ur domestics". well i told her to forget it.
the truth pple was that I always find way to improve the lives of my dates. I try to leave them better than I met them. try to make them know that money is not everything, that the future runs only to pple that runs to it. Now I have realized that i too do have moments I need some one to uphold me n i want to surround myself with a date that can support me when I am weak.

UBA again, its like some fellows in UBA are into ATM fraud. My boy called me the other day with a story of losing money in his ATM account. imagine, an ATM machine siezed his card and because he was to go to site he couldnt go to collect it, from there he forgot to go for it, only for his to withdraw with a check and he was told no money! now its all about writing reports. a card that got stuck in atm machine was used.

Nagging guys exist real time.

if u v one in your live, n want to cope, if u must cope then do any of the following.
1. make a jest or joke of whatever he says when nagging, increase your sense of humor.
2. create or give him some space. decrease your contact time with him, get a job away from him or in another town.
3. call him to order, ie, tell him u dont like the way he talks to u, do it with ultimost respect.
4. work on your self, what r those areas of your life, issues of your life, u know he capitalizes on to nag u, do away wt them.
5. watch out when he is out of order and tell him immedaitely, this makes him know he is not perfect too.
6. if he embarasses in public, just keep your cool, ist apologize, then in a cool way right there, correct him by telling him u dont like such public embrassment.
7. the best is actually to stay away from such nagging people, the can kill u by making u think too much, which developes ulcer or cancer in your system. bible says its better to stay at a corner on the roof than to live with a nagging person in d same house. a nagging person is as irritating as a leaking roof.



this is my piece pple.

my piece boy, the next time she walks away, forget her dont beg dont plead, u r the one fuelling her ego. shit
respect her freedom & she must respect yours.

I had mine smtime ego. my girl then will just shone me, born up like I must have done sm tin.
then I warned her that snubing is for those guys out there to keep them off not me. and the next time she starts, then it means she wants to end our relationship.

2days after she begin snub me, I called her to know what the problem is and she walked away from me, i took a laugh, u know what i just wipe her away from my psyche.
she later came back claiming I dont love her anymore, I ask why, she said she expected me to beg her & in my mind, I was asking myself, what are my begging for, bros thats when I know she is psycho.

boy am free, i dont even allow her to come close cos it may end up in an acid wash or knife sticking or smtin drastic.


MY ADVICE, SET HER A TRAP, SHE CATCHES IN, SHUFF HER OFF FOR UR DEAR LIFE BROS

why shld i wash them when she does that when taking her bath. my girl is so reasonable.
i dont see any work in picking them in.

Are u a christian?

It payback time its up to you to do that in what currency you want.
but for me, as far as mumsy was coming around, then I will help out for her sake. cos its her cause that will hang most.

boy u r in hell of situation here,

well, just inform the only reasonable person close to her. make a case at the police. then ride on with live as if nothing has happened.


I tell this cos it happened to a friend of mine, his wife just disappeared like that after series of short disappearance and reconciliation acts. finally she made off and my friend has long remarried and is enjoying his live.

olanajim supported,

the poster has a problem. he cant read in - btw his father's words.
his father concluded by saying and I quote" I have done my part as a responsible father, ",  its left to this spoiled brat to prove to his responsible father that he got a responsible son. I dont see any pressure here. What I see is that this boy has a history of not being responsible, just that he does not make responsible statements, moves and thoughts.

his dad is giving the mantra and is showing him an example.
the way the poster is going i hope he will be able to do haalf of what his dad has done and is doing for him.
that my point,

olanajim supported,

the poster has a problem. he cant read in - btw his father's words.
his father concluded by saying and I quote" I have done my part as a responsible father, ",  its left to this spoiled brat to prove to his responsible father that he got a responsible son. I dont see any pressure here. What I see is that this boy has a history of not being responsible, just make responsible statements, moves and thoughts.

his dad is giving the mantra and is showing him an example.
the way the poster is going i hope he will be able to do haalf of what his dad has done ian is doing for him.
that my point,

in ur country dont u ppl have a law against blackmailers.

get concrete evidence of his blackmail. get to the police and pour out ur story and fears, u will see what happens.

or u give it out on contract to a rugged fellow u dont know, he will handle it for u.

or u pretend to play the game, get into him and hit him where it hurts, set his house on fire or anything,  just like that. bye

definitely "spike my ass" u r something else, maybe a white woman has done it to u in the past. confess,

Otukpo, I like your 2 cent, keep it up.

watch,  many of the contributors are not married and does not know what it means to marry and have children.
many don't know how to set priorities.

my story: am not married but my sis. had an experience of this when her husband asked her to quit her job.
at first, she refused, was heady, you know those career minded newly married girls' thinking. but when she opened up to me, i told her I stand by her husband. if she want a counter its not by hard stand against his wish but feminine dialogue can she get her way.

today she is resigned, have a son and is expecting another soon. they are happy too

most ladies just don't know what they want and cannot count the cost of what the want.

I see the other side of it where husbands are asking the wife to go get a job. what do pple say of that.

FROM WHAT i READ SO FAR, POSTERS DONT UNDERSTAND FEMALE PYCHOLOGY. IF U DO THEN U WILL KNOW WHY MEN DONT FILL COMFORTABLE WITH A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN.
I WAS WITH ONE LONG TIME, SHE MARRIED U KNOW AND PPLE PRAISE HER HUSBAND. BUT ATIMES EITHER UNKNOWINGLY OR NOT SHE BLUNTS OUT TO OUTSIDERS THAT SHE IS THE ONE KEEPING THE HOUSE. THEN I WONDER, IF THE HUSBAND TAKES MONEY FROM HER ITS because SHE HAS IT. IF SHEE PAY THE HOUSE RENT ITS because SHE HAS IT.

THEN THINK ABOUT THE ONES NOT YET MARRIED BUT THEY TELL WHO CARES TO LISTEN HOW THEY INTEND TO RUN THE MAN( NOT YET MANIFESTED O)

if the girl in question is ur friend or girl just caution her.
I noticed once that my then girl was wearing her jeans without a pant. I just told her is not right to do that. that guys do know when pants are missing and it does not speak well of her. I also told her I dont like it either. well she changed.

all you cynics, I have an answer for you all but before I do that, in a few sentence list what peace initiatives or works that prof. ( mrs) mattail wangari of east africa did that gave her this same nobel prize in the past.