₦airaland Forum

You didn't say anything about knowing how to cook or praying for an hour?

BellaElla:
The thing is that people that are not in inter tribal marriages see it as one big deal. It is not biko. I am a full bred Igbo woman married to a full bred Yoruba man and honestly our tribal differences are the least of our problems. Maybe it's cos of our backgrounds, or we are just two kpomo hearted people that care less about what people say . When my husband is on the phone with my in-laws, he speaks Yoruba, when I am on the phone with my family, I speak Igbo. We tell each other what was said and convey regards. I honestly haven't had a hard time in my marriage cos of tribe. I dated Igbo men b4 marriage but we conversed in English. Marriage is so vast that tribal differences should hardly matter. That's how I see it anyway. I married my husband cos of his heart. It is not easy to see someone in this our time who is ready to come back from work and still cook for you, while u stretch ur tired feet with remote in ya hand . Someone that insists on ur input before decision making. These were the kind of qualities I was looking for and once I saw them in him, tribe was a non issue. Most of the men I dated from my tribe expected me to wait on them hand and foot. Kolewerk o.there were objections from some of his people and my people but we were footing our bills by ourselves, we couldn't be intimidated. Now everyone has come round especially his people after my dad collected 100 naira as my bride price. They Cldnt believe it as their main objection was that Igbo girls are too expensive to marry. The funny thing is that he had broken up with his Yoruba gf before we met, so between both of us I don't even know who is more detribalised. The only thing I miss is not traveling to my village every Christmas

I like this.Your husband should try and work something out for you to spend your Christmas in the village at least once in 3yrs.

larrybee2017:
How old are you thorpido? Are you married or have you ever been married? What exactly do you know about marriage? How often do you watch Hollywood movies and lastly what your home experience? If you give me the answer to this then I be able to analyze ' Don't you think it's a poor choice to marry a baby?

-Over 40yrs
-Yes,i'm married.
-What do i know about marriage?Much,i'm in one.
-Hollywood movies......used to watch them.I don't have that much time for movies now.
-my home experience is beautiful,lovely wife and kids.

missjo:
Thanks for this, I like what you've written down. However, I know this is 2016 but we should not downplay the fact that ethnicity and tribalism is still something we deal with as Nigerians.

Ermmm excuse me sir, so do you mean that there are things you talk about with your mum and siblings that your wife doesn't need to hear even when she's right there?

If there are things we need to talk about that my wife doesn't need to hear while she is present(not necessarily a bad thing or discussions about her),then we don't even discuss it at all.We can always find some other time to discuss it or make calls later.

freshvine:
Anambra + Imo collabo

Then that's not 'pure breed'.

freshvine:
I married igbo cos I wanted pure breed.

Is your husband from the same village as yours?

missjo:
Your first paragraph is the real reason why most of us just naturally acclimate towards people of the same ethnicity, it is all about being comfortable with them and their family. You can speak their language and not feel left out when your partner or husband is talking to his mother in their dialect. Some women might even start assuming their husband and mother in law are talking about something they don't want her to hear,chai.i know I won't be able to bear that feeling honestly.

But I would really like to know how those people who married outside their tribe have been able to go about it.
Do they tell their husband to always speak English with his relatives in her presence or what?

Exposure,level of education and orientation........very important.
If you decide to go the inter-tribal route,you need to meet the family and assess their level of orientation,and education.How do they see other tribes(or your tribe)?

As per speaking their language when you are around,again it depends on how you have built your relationship while dating and being confident of your position in your in-law's family.You need to know they love you,want you and respect you.
I travelled to my in-law's hometown last christmas,they held a family meeting and the uncle being the head said I should sit with them as a member of the family.Before he started to talk,he apologised to me and said he was going to speak his language so he could express himself well.He said my wife will 'download' for me later.He jokingly said I have to learn the language too.Did I feel lost and insecured as they all spoke?Naaaa.Like I said,I earned their respect and I know they love and want me.
When my siblings and mum come around too,we speak our language even when my wife is present.I there's anything she needs to hear or be part of the discussion,we speak english.
They key thing is knowing the family.

It's human nature to want to stay close to home,marry someone who speaks your language and understands your culture but hey,the world is a global village now.......this is 2016!Africans are marrying spouses in Asia,Europeans are marrying Africans.Cultures can be imbibed,languages can be learnt.You shouldn't give up on love for the sake of ethnicity.

Hi Evina,how's it going?

Twinkleme:
Thank you-I use to think i had a good relationship with the family because I call most of them and I visit from time to time. Please advise how you convince a woman who lost her husband to communicate with her daughters family members who do not even greet her when they visit and did not even commiserate with her at her husband's death?

For now,I'll say you should concentrate your energy on burial plans for your dad.Send them an invite when the date is fixed and don't worry yourself about them coming or not.
If they come,good.If they don't,just live your life and concentrate on your nuclear family.Let the shame be theirs.

Poor woman.Trading human parts like a meat seller.
Many more of you guys will be exposed.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Suicide?Na I'm you call like that on top laptop?
Have you tried contacting your family to let them know the situation you're in?

larrybee2017:
If you ask me, I'll say you need wisdom more than you need food and water. In marriage your husband is not the only one involve his families are very vital key in determine where your marriage will end. The welfare of his family should be utmost in everything to you. If they feel offended in what your parent did by not calling them, acting foolishly is not the best way. You need to build your home using your own knowledge not carrying the mentality of someone else with you. I'm sure your mummy use her own wisdom that is why she was able to stay till death with your dad.
Drop your pride a bit and try to reason with your spouse, that is not to say he is right too with all the step his family are taken, but just to show them maturity is not in age. I must confess to you here that both families are immatured,they need orientation. If two grown up adults like your min and in law could stoop this low, on what was your courtship built? Please for the sake of your children, pray about this and also talk to your mum to help you save your marriage. If your dad died not been in good terms with your in law, safe your mum the pain of ' no way to apologise' when she dies. Little things like this destroy our walk with God.
Forget the immature nature of your in law and just show them love and affection, which they probably lack, by loving them and caring for them, I bet you they will do the same no matter their level of stupidity and pride.
No place is heaven in marriage, a woman determines what her home will be on her kneels. All men are babies ( with apologies) thus treat them so. They need love, care, respect above nothing and above all they want you to know they marry you not the other way round.
May Heaven grant you wisdom and strength to go through of cause I know it will take God to do this.

If all men are babies,why do women like you marry babies then?Don't you think it's poor choice to marry a baby?Talking about needing love,care and respect,don't women need that too(and even more)?
Funny how you women always make this,'men are babies' statement.

You all need to make peace.You should try and reach out to your in-laws.
First talk to your husband on the need to be at peace with each other.Get your husband to also talk to his family members.
Make a call to your in-laws to greet them and since your mum is there,let her talk too when you make the call.
Find time to talk to visit your in-laws,you should do that at least once a year.

Sorry about your dad's passing.Your siblings and your mum(with other relatives) should determine how your dad should be buried.Your husband doesn't determine that.

You didn't give the money,why are the officials complaining?

kayti:
are there no female gynecologist, because I don't understand how a man is supposed to stand over a woman with her legs spread out and you expect him not to have negative thoughts once a while.

How many female gynaes are available for the population?Many female doctors don't even like to specialise in the field.
Most doctors don't have negative thoughts,just a few bad eggs.

tearoses:
He is a gynaecologist & thanks to our culture, women are put under immense pressure to deliver ASAP after marriage
You will see women who are not pregnant after 6 months of marriage going up and down
Some of these women will out of desperation do all sorts of things.
A gynaecologist with loose morals will have a field day in this situation, same with some end time pastors too.
I heard of a doctor who got his married patient pregnant
A lot of things are happening in this world

It's true sha.The pressure women face while trying to conceive can make them vulnerable and an immoral doctor can take advantage of it.
He can just schedule appointments at odd times when he can perpetuate his acts.

Abuse of patients by a doctor is not impossible but how does he do it when nurses and other patients are around?
The police should do a thorough job.

inemani:
Huhnhuhn, which other one dey to suck kwa?

Haaa,your work never finish o.Maybe oga never ask or you no like am.

inemani:
Well, I and hubby use one sponge, what's there anyway?
While growing up, didn't we as siblings use one sponge? Yes I just typed that!
If I am comfortable sucking on hubby's mouth and fluids in da name of kissing, can't I feel comfortable using a piece of net that is easily rinsed off?(Except in rare cases of skin infections)

But Oga pls respect Madam's wishes, she doesn't like it, guess it irritates her. She noh just like am! EOD!

only the mouth kwa?

Beamborla:
Iro o!
I canor date olodo or ode for real na.

He should be my best friend...I should be free around him and vice versa

It's good to be free and be able to joke and play with one's partner but the use of words like ode,mumu,olodo,were is a no no for me.

uboma:
If in this generation, you still do not know the health implication of sharing bathing sponge with anyone no matter how close, then I can't really explain to you. Try Google.com

The spiritual reasons given by you is laughable and shows your level of ignorance.

Can't share a sponge but share body fluids?Which has more health implications?
For strangers and even family members,it is understandable not to share.

@bolded,it actually shows you lack a sense of humour.

Congenital deformity.Even the mouth was not fully formed.
Could be due to drugs taken during pregnancy or deficiencies especially in the first trimester.

VolT0xic:
Damn. Is this how marriage limits freedom?

Bro, she's not comfortable with it. Besides, there are health implications of sharing bath sponge. This simple act will aid the breeding of nasty skin bacteria & germs.

So just get a new one. It's for your protection & hers.

Which health implications?Husband and wife can't share sponge but exchange saliva,sweat and body fluids?

Op,there's nothing wrong with sharing a sponge.Just get yours because your wife is not comfortable with it.

uboma:
Respect your wife's views.
Health wise it is not healthy to share bathing sponge even amongst spouses and siblings.

The only health issue here is if a sibling has a skin infection and you don't want others to contact it.Siblings also do not share body fluids like spouses.

Spiritually if you share the same sponge with your spouse,you will find yourself thinking more about her,whether at work,while eating or even sleeping.

Beamborla:
Oh yes!
Why can't I call him ode or olodo?

The problem is not knowing where to draw the line.

I don't think that should be a problem if the partner really is one.

There are other words one can use and not those two.

spiritchild:
I am wondering what kind of parents raised these girls that they didn't notice anything with the first daughter and allowed it get to the little sister!

Very careless parents.How can you have daughters and just leave them to wander?
Perhaps the parents simply trusted the so-called pastor.

octopusfreaky:
Eeyahhh, I still wish to be famous no mata what Why do i have to care about what people will say about mee We are all humans infact "higher animals" and so imperfect in our ways

It's not just what people will say about you,it's the loss of privacy.Sometimes people could pick on your kids because they know their dad or mum e.t.c.

Your definition of fun is psychosis.

Leaving this woman might just be the best for you.She seems lost and is a philanderer.

I don't want to advise you to try red briefs.

dokiOloye:
Best bet is to take him to a teaching hosp where they'll surely have docs who are solely dedicated to psychiatry.
Was just telling my ppl last night hw d issue of drug abuse is fast blowing into an epidemic,based on cases I saw b/w monday n yesterday at d hospital where I work near Abuja.
It's a pity.

You're right.A lot of young people now feel the need to get high due to peer influence.Marijuana use is now rampant.

eyinjuege:
I doubt divorcing him will make much of a difference.
He will still continue his threats.
What's paining him is the fact that his children would rather be with their mother than a man they saw as abusive towards her and possibly them while growing up.
I'm sure he feels the mother "poisoned" their minds against him, but what most people fail to realise is that children are not stupid. They see things, feel things and make up their own minds.
If you act like a jerk towards your loved ones, you will be avoided. Nobody wants to be in the presence of such a person if possible.

Yes,it won't make a difference to his threats but it will make him come to terms that it is over between them.

Long distance relationship with a guy who is rich and obviously likes to enjoy life.It may work out for some relationships,but the chances of success is slim.
Young ladies need to ask themselves if the money is what they want................nothing else is guaranteed.