₦airaland Forum

GlorifiedTunde:


1) Faxing slap - makes you recount all that has and has not happened. Usually executed by soldiers; usually accompanied by a ringtone
2) Reset - the kind your mother will give you to restore you back to lineage setting
3) Launching - The kind of slap that takes you into time travel. You only come around to say "what happened"
4) Login - The kind of slap your teacher gives you in order to gain access into your brain
5)ifoju/ifomu/igbaju - The kind of slap an agbero administers on you in a fight
6) Moro - coded slap from a cultist; usually involving both hands; it is accompanied by instant teardrops

Haha! Almost forgot one more...

7) Lighting - this kind of slap comes as a first attack in a fight. Its is accompanied by lightning sparks and clouded vision. You may stagger after receiving such so its advisable to seat on the floor first

LOL. That Ifoju type, is it the type that those women playfully slapped Abacha and made him cross over to the great beyond?

I heard that there is the slap-and-die type.

I believe there are sooo many other types of slaps out there that require investigating. So volunteers are actively encouraged to go out, socialize, experiment and come back to give us their findings.

Thanks.

See ya!

No 4

- The Wake up slap: Don't let the name fool you. This isn't the slap used to wake someone up. It is the slap someone wakes up from. As in the slapee is slapped with such intensity that instant sleep remains the only option. In 9 out of 10 instances, the slapee upon waking up, demonstrates instant interest in Geography by asking one simple question: "where am I?".

Only 3 people in recorded history have been known to deliver such slaps - Mohammed Ali, Mike Tyson and Tiwa Savage (if you doubt me ask that publicity-seeking, baby-mama-anywhere-he-sleeps yeyebrity whose name sounds like a certain chronic lung infection). The slap is currently being developed in the lab for commercial applications.

A dude trying to mark the anniversary of a slap he received in the toilet.

NO 3

- The Anniversary slap: Survivors of this category of slap go home to mark the date of receipt in their calendars. And so at that appointed time every year, they mark a minute of silence for the moment when they could have passed away to the life-changing slap.

Like in the pic below, every year on the 34th of July at exactly 11:55pm, after the Cockrell has crowed 5 times, Obama will gather his in-laws at that exact spot to mark the moment that Donald Trump slapped him 13 years ago. So unforgettable.

No 2.
- The slap of life: Very simple. It could be the ginger slaps delivered by a midwife on a newborn, or it could also mean an epiphanous slap delivered by a Battalion commander on a Boko member. Such slaps can induce visions of the early days of creation (as in you'll see visions of Adam sleeping, a surgery being performed on him, or you'll see a naked couple being fed apples by a snake - the slap is that powerful) or you might even have flashback memories of the day you were born.

GlorifiedTunde:

Chill. Lemme finish. I cannot goan on gen and come and finish my post?

Recovery is usually a slow process and victims of such slaps may display symptoms of malaria, such as sleepiness and general body weakness, cos the slap infection is gradually spreading around the body.

Human interactions just like our needs are infinite. And so in the course of our interactions, so many things are bound to happen such as falling in love, falling mugu, falling down, hammering dollars, getting married, etc. Another thing we may encounter in our journey through life, is getting into trouble and by investing in trouble, reaping the accrued dividends in the form of slaps.

There are various types of slaps we may encounter, some of which are listed below:

- The Time-lapse slap: This form of slap induces a temporary period of time-lapse in activity on the slapee - a temporary 'hanging' of the brain. So the brain in its infinite wisdom, has to reboot, hence the break in transmission experienced by the slapee. In most cases, the slapper gets bored of the wait and walks away leaving the slapee in a confounded state of ignominious quagmire like the Bush baby in the attached pic. In this state, one eye may be looking towards Jerusalem in the East, while the other eye may be searching for Niger Delta in the South South. Other cruel slappers utilize the opportunity to further dash more categories of slaps on the hapless slapee. Like when Lalasticlala refused to send one of Tonto's thread like that to FP.
Some people just don't gat no chill.

ChuzzyBlog:
[img]http://1.bp..com/-Ndu2Y4E1yOg/Vz2WBPrRrXI/AAAAAAAAACQ/tXbQ2gi6QZwqb9UooVWeREu5kpZa4vH-gCLcB/s320/13254498_868014129994807_6320534235273775165_n.jpg[/img]

In a world where corruption seem to be air people breath, there are still some people with living conscience and a good heart.

According to this lady, she lost her phone and didn't bother calling cos she felt it was gone for life. Unknown to her, the good guy who picked the phone, charged it and kept it safe, waiting for her to call... Read her exact words below....


Source: http://www.chuzzyofficial.com/2016/05/man-picks-up-ladys-lost-phone-keeps-it.html

Was it a Samsung Galaxy S7 edge or a Tecno phone?

All y'all tribal bashing comments: Comic relief.
The habit is already stale.

amaechi1:
Did hear Brazil was able to bring out millions of people out of poverty and develop their infrastructure during oil boom? Would that be said for nigeria?

Your post just goes to show that you do not know SQUAT about Brazil.

ise82:
The vehicle has now been found. Thanks.

Congrats!

How was it found?

tsamson:
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Typical.

godfirstawe:
What is the motive behind making toilet and disgusting cakes?

Coprophilia.

olapluto:
I read the report too. It was not only rude to Buhari, but very very rude to Nigeria as a whole. As soon as I finished reading the article, I had to google all UK aids we receive. I wonder where the aids were going and which Nigerians were benefitting. If I had my way, I would stop all AIDS coming from UK.
We support UK economy in many many ways. Take out Nigerian students and see how UK tertiary education suffers. We are partly funding our own collective insults.
The article was also quoting some PDP sponsored websites to discredit Buhari. I dont know which university in UK that charges 26000 GBP per year. I studied there, and except Medicine, no other course is charging near 20,000 GBP. None of Buhari's children is known to read Medicine.

I just googled the first UK school that came to my mind.

I'm sure I could get 5 more if I wanted to. Which school does the girl attend?

Omoakinsuyi:
Falana, like Oby is still pained because they were rejected as ministers. Continue

One of those moments when NL needs an unlike button.

tsamson:
2. You get your very own stethoscope! How cool is
that?!?
https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2013-10/enhanced/webdr02/24/11/enhanced-buzz-29564-1382629799-42.jpg

Which color do you choose? What kind? Adult or pediatrics?
You’ve always dreamed of pediatrics, so that justifies
spending $200 more than the regular one. Totally.

Finish school strong and go make differences in people’s
lives. YOU ROCK!

Evidence that you simply lifted the posts off of someone else's site without bothering to acknowledge the copyright owners. The entire post sounds off, out of sync with Naija lifestyle and tone. I'll leave the nurses to reach their own conclusions.

You probably copied this article from here:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/djrayrayy/nursing-school-from-start-to-finish-fe3x

I hate it when people plagiarize.

Resembles Ikechukwu the rapper.

olatade:
Thank you Mr president. I'm fully in support. Crush any group of criminals that wants to cause mischief in our fatherland

How about the Fulanis who murdered at Agatu and Uzo Uwani?

mightyhazel:
nnaemeka nekwagi o!


U have to help urself o!

Berra start sneakin wraps of akpu(bought at cheaper prices in d open markets) in2 restaurants...(See local okadamen for more briefings on this )

My dear, I'm seriously contemplating the idea. Even those take away wraps sold at the market have also been affected in the cost cutting strategy. Their sizes have shrunk also. Why evils?! Why?

sanity12:
if I had sounded rude am sorry,,,,but d way u asked abt d'banj shows u ar mocking him......d guy is doing fine 4 himself....

Kk. No stress.

lwise:
Hello Nairalander,it seems we Nigerians are so comfortable with any situation we find ourselves.I keep asking myself if I'm the only one affected by the present inflation.Price of almost everything has increased by at least 50% or more.
I can't see any reason why some items like biscuit,plastic buckets,toothpaste,purewater,bic shaving stick e.t.c should increase in price,these are items we don't import.

Could it be that we are just the architect of our own problem.

Abeg let's compare price of items state by state,I'm sure some people are taking undue advantage of the present situation.

I had been aware that the prices of everything had gone up. Aware in the abstract sense of it.

The stark reality of the unfortunate situation hit me hard on Friday 6 May in the year of our Lord 2016, at exactly 1:26pm when I went out for lunch break (breakfast actually cos it was more first meal of the day which obviously heightened my aggravation and sense of overwhelming doom).

That I Nnaemeka ordered for my usual plate of Akpu with Egusi and Oha but lo and behold, what was brought before me was food, the quantity which should be fitting for the size of the person on the left hand side in my DP, the gods bear me witness. I was shocked to the marrows. I had to ask the lady (just to be sure), if the food was meant for me. She replied in the affirmative. I am not one to engage myself in public displays of uncouth aggravation, so I swallowed my humble pride together with my discontent and accompanied them with the few morsels of food presented to me.

People, I can swear that those morsels of akpu felt so alone, tiny and abandoned in my tummy, that they probably shed tears of sorrow and wailed their fate of insufficiency.

The worst was however yet to come. As I prepared the last few lumps to swallow, I felt a craving, an urge, a need I hitherto thought I would never demand again.

I HAD TO ORDER FOR A SECOND ROUND!

O hunger! Where art thy sting?! This was something I'd last done since 2013 because over time, my stomach had come to accept fewer quantities of food before I get the feeling of fullness.

But Buhari! O Buhari! This administration has seen to the drastic reduction in the quantity of Akpu served at restaurants. An all time low quantity last experienced 3 years ago! Where then lies the hope of the common man? Where my people?!

If Nnaemeka Nwa Akanwa can no longer be assured his daily quantity of fufu. There my people lies my grouse. That is where it pinches me the most. I rest my case.

TippyTop:
Stop celebrating fake news.

I think I know what happened here. Drake released a track titled One Dance ft Wizkid and Kayla about two weeks ago. Wizkid and Kayla' numbers, show almost equal number of downloads as at the time OP captured his screenshot of the charts.

You captured yours later when other artists must have sold more downloads of their own music. Drake's has still been selling possibly of other tracks. Wizkid’s figures have remained almost static cos it's just that one track that took him to the top 3 initially. Kayla has other popular tracks, which is why her drop in position isn't as significant as that of Wizkid’s.

My humble submission.

sanity12:
can u find sean diddy,jay Z,bird man,dr dre?emeka get brain,,,,I know were u are driving @

Sir, I asked about DBanj, music-wise.

If I'm to follow your logic, this is where they stand :
Sean Combs - US$750m
Dr Dre - US$710m
JayZ - US$610
Birdman - US$110m
Drake - US$60m

http://www.forbes.com/sites/zackomalleygreenburg/2016/05/03/the-forbes-five-hip-hops-wealthiest-artists-2016/#15ac1b45477f

Do you see that Drake features prominently in both Spotify and the Forbes list?

P. S. You would also do well to refrain from addressing me in that manner. You do not know who you are talking to.

Where's "I hereby cancel my Ciroc deal" DBanj?

ApexTitan:
If it's the same video I think you are talking about then know that that jump was fake, there is no way a man jumps off a plane and lands unaided on a trampoline sheet like that.

_{sorry for derailing thread}

- Did he jump from a plane or not?
- Was he wearing a chute or not?
- Did he survive the jump or not?

kobonaire:
wow - please link me, I need to see that!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbIivGvflkk



It's not my intention to derail the thread O. I respectfully apologize.

CastedDude:
Nigerian comic actor, John Okafor a.k.a Mr Ibu crashed his white BMW SUV following a minor accident along Lekki-Ikoyi roundabout in Lagos. The 54-year-old actor veered off the road and landed on a pavement by the roadside. See pictures taken by a twitter user who was at the scene.

Source; http://www.nationalhelm.net/2016/05/mr-ibu-involved-in-car-accident-along.html

Big lie!

That's not John Okafor. Look well again.

VivianUdeogu:
We Igbos should stop shouting and boasting on the internet. We should get real and find a solution to these Fulani people that are killing we Igbos like rats. We Igbos are really sauffering. I even learnt that the Fulani's have redecorated our biafran flag

Bipolar disorder with increasingly recurrent episodes of schizophrenia. Go seek help fast.

Amakabill:
My boyfriend thinks I don't know any thing bout gambling.hmmm..the day he will open my diary and starts seeing words like colo colo,unam pumas,accasuso.only God can explain to him.

Igbo women and money! Choi!