₦airaland Forum

Donzman:
So going bald is a bad thing now?. . .Seriously, it's a natural phenemona!

So is putting on weight after child-birth.

And before you argue that there are some women who don't put on weight after childbirth, may I remind you that there are some men who don't go bald or suffer any form of hair loss or even develop a pot belly

ThiefOfHearts:
First of all, additional 50kg or whatever, last i checked "for better for worse", one could say the same about married men who end up with bald heads and pot bellies, can we leave them too when they start that shit?

My point exactly. The other day, I took a look at my husband's hairline and found that he is going bald   . I've never liked bald men and I remember telling him when we were dating long ago that if he were bald I wouldn't even touch him with a foot-long pole talkless of date him   . But today he's going bald _{and i'm still shocked}. But will I leave him because of that Or would I go cheat on him because of that Of course not!!! I'll learn to love it. And if it bothers me that much, we'll talk about hair transplant   or whatever else. But cheating is definitely not an option.

@kaecy5:

Seems to me you're talking from experience and do have some axes to grind. But ultimately the fact is that you cannot force anyone to accept what they can't stand. I can't stand cheating and for me, it's the end of the marriage (of course, not the end of the world).

Also, I think it is just plain irresponsible and stupid for anyone to blame their actions on someone else. That your wife puts on weight or uses sex as a weapon is not an excuse for you to go cheat. You have many options, some of which are far less damaging, so why go for cheating of all things?? If I had serious issues with my husband and can't resolve them then I'll rather just leave than go out and cheat and then turn around to blame him for my actions. That's grossly irresponsible.

People change, both women and men. Since I married my husband, he has changed. Some of the changes I like, and some I don't. For instance, most men stop being romantic towards their wives after the wedding is over. And I dare say that romance is just as important to a woman as sex is to a man. Now will I use the fact that my husband is no longer as romantic as I would like as an excuse to run into the arms of another man?? That would be stupid -- infact just as stupid as a man using his wife's sagging interest in sex as an excuse to cheat. There are many many ways to approach such problems in marriage and in my opinion, cheating is NOT one of them.

Again that's just my view. If you hold a contrary view, then just ensure that you hook up with a partner who believes in the same thing. Then you both will be happy together.

mamaput:
wendywendy without offense are you one of these as long he did not do it to me.?
Murder is killing someone on poppose sometimes you even plan it.
There is a big difference between murder and man saluter.
A man FORGOT his child in the sun : Forgot _{.And that is not so bad??}.
I know one can say cheating is almost equal to manslaughter. But you have a Chance of making your peace with god.

mamaput, I'm not too sure I understand your question. But all I'm saying is that if I were the wife of the man in question, I will not leave him on that basis. Of course it will hurt, I mean, that's gross negligence that resulted in the death of a 6month old baby which I'm sure the mom was only just beginning to bond with. I will be extremely angry, I'll most likely spend months grieving but I won't divorce him and I'll even reach out to him and help him overcome his own guilt feelings. He's not a murderer (otherwise he would have murdered the other kids as well) and I'll view this as a mistake, albeit very costly. But I won't divorce him because of that. That's all i'm saying.

Donzman:
That is why I'm trying to get people to be realistic, who trusts anyone 100% anyway?. . . That way you get to appreciate that people can err!

No one's talking about trusting anyone 100%. I bet you don't even trust yourself 100% either (and neither do I). But there's a certain level of trust that's required from someone before you decide that they're a suitable marriage partner. And after the wedding ceremony, there's a certain level of trust that's required to maintain the marriage. It's never 100%, but it's a good enough percentage to keep the relationship going healthy and strong. Now once that trust is broken down, the marriage goes astray. The question of what can break down that trust completely may differ for different people. For me, adultery is it and that's reality. For some it may be lies, or some other thing.

Now, presumably, your spouse will understand what boundaries he/she must never cross if the marriage is to continue, and will keep within those boundaries if they care about the marriage. But the moment they start to cross those boundaries, then they're sending the clear message that the marriage has become unimportant and will no longer exist. Again, for me, the boundary is adultery. And it's the case for my husband too. We discuss this and we're both aware that that's the one thing that can absolutely end this marriage relationship. For some other couples, it may be something else. But then again, different strokes for different folks. That's reality.

goodguy:
My point exactly.  Really, it isn't reasonable. That's the point I was trying to pass across on page 5 of this thread.

Well the cheater should have thought about the good times before cheating, rather than turn around and try to use those memories to blackmail me into staying.

I mean, even if I decide not to leave, what's in it for the spouse? I'll never trust him again and will most likely never sleep with him again. The relationship is more or less over, so I might as well leave. But staying is definitely not an option.

Well then I become a widow. But will I hold  grudge against the person? NO. I'll prosecute to the full extent of the law, but then that's it. I'll get over it. But adultery is different. Can you imagine having to look at, live with and even sleep with someone who commits adultery against you?? Especially if you have to do this day-in day-out I mean, they got intimate with someone else for crying out loud!!! Who wants the emotional torture of that??!!

But what i was trying to say is that murder can be a mistake, especially if the offender doesn't have a history of murder. For instance there was the case sometime last year about the father that was to drop his son at day care on his way to work. It was his first time taking the baby to day care because the wife couldn't do it on this particular morning. But because the baby was asleep in the back seat of the car and the man wasn't taking his normal route, he just went off to work, jumped out of the car and rushed into a meeting, leaving the baby in the car. Some hours later, someone called out to him that the police were examining his car. He returned only to find his baby dead -- it had died from suffocation. Now that is murder. But if I were the man's wife, I would definitely forgive and stay. I'll even help him get over his feelings of guilt and give him loads and loads of encouragement and believe with him for another baby, even if I was still physically recovering from the birth of that one that just died. It will definitely hurt and I might even feel angry just thinking of the negligence. But that was purely a mistake and I can accept it as that.

On the other hand, adultery is not a mistake and I can never accept it.

That's just all I'm saying.

Donzman:
You fail to realize that adultery can be a mistake, when you realize that then you might be willing to give 2nd chances.

Unfortunately, that's never going to happen (I mean realizing that adultery can be a mistake). But it's good that you hold that view. So when you get married remember to allow your spouse enough room to make as many "mistakes" as possible, because to err is human. . . .  

goodguy:
Murder is a much more serious case that involves the loss of a life (or lives).  It's unlike cheating that communication and build of trust is all that is required to be happy again, and as such, shouldn't be compared to murder in any way.  

This is not to say I do not agree with you anyway.  Carry on!

On the contrary, I think murder is much less serious than adultery. But then to each one his view. If my husband were to murder someone, I will be more inclined to listen to his explanation and will NOT leave him, even if the victim is one of our kids (as long as he's not a serial killer). That one can be a mistake (remember the father that forgot his 6month old in the car and parked in the blazing sun? That one's forgiveable).

Adultery is emotional murder. Just because the law doesn't require its prosecution doesn't make it any less serious. And i'm not too sure that communication and building of trust is all that is required to be happy again. How will that even begin to happen? Then again, to each man his view  

OK now I see where you're coming from. Actually it's no law that you should only have sex with one partner. But do yourself a favor when you're getting married by ensuring that your partner also believes in having multiple sex partners. That way, you'll have no troubles at all in that regard. Afterall, as long as you both are happy, who cares what the rest of the world thinks??

Adultery is NEVER a mistake. If it's a mistake when the adulterer is thinking about committing it, it definitely isn't a mistake when he or she is taking the pants down and even if it is at that point, it's absolutely not a mistake when he/she is doing all that pre-intimacy leading up to the actual act of adultery. In my view, it is NEVER a mistake.

The adulterer deserves a second chance if he/she has been loyal for a while Yeah, like the murderer deserves not to go to jail if he/she has committed the crime only once in the last 50+ years.

Well, different strokes for different folks. But for me that relationship is over for good no matter how long it has lasted. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal. How can one even begin to trust a person like that again?? It's not a question of throwing away the 10years i've already put into the marriage, it's a question of cutting my losses and running. Who wants a future with an adulterer, even if it happened just once?? That he/she has been loyal for a while does not earn any brownie points, IT IS EXPECTED and in fact REQUIRED!!!. There's no excuse for adultery and IMO, its the one blow that can deal instant death to a marriage relationship, no matter how long the marriage has been in existence.

Now whether or not this makes sense to you is irrelevant. It's reality. Ask Donald Trump wrt Ivana or a host of others whose marriages suddenly hit the rocks because of adultery 

Donzman:
@windywendy

You do not crash a 10 year investment over 1 mistake, doesn't seem reasonable to me!

I guess we differ in our views on what we call the act of adultery. You call it a mistake, I call it a deliberate act.

Now, here's the deal:

What crashes the "10 year investment" is NOT the aggrieved spouse who decides to leave, it's the adultery itself. It breaks down trust completely, causes hurt and the marriage just simply ceases to exist even if the two people still stay together. So the one who causes the "crash" is the one who goes out to cheat. Do you get that?? Why would anyone crash a 10 year investment by going to cheat??!! And yes you're right, it doesn't seem reasonable!

Donzman:
Well the issue of why someone would cheat in the first place is another thing, I'm just trying to point out that it's unreasonable to end a 10+ year marriage just like that.

Well, all I can say is that actions definitely have consequencies. You don't go breaking the PILLAR of trust in a marriage and expect the marriage not to get seriously derailed.

To me, saying it's unreasonable to end a 10+ year marriage on the basis of adultery is like saying it's unreasonable to sentence a 60yr old to jail (or death where applicable) for committing murder, eventhough he had not committed murder for 59+ years of his existence  .

The bottom line is: Actions have consequencies. And contrary to what most people will want you to believe, Adultery is NEVER a mistake. It's a deliberate action.

PS: ToH,  you're welcome. It's refreshing to see the topic back on track after that brief moment of "free-for-all" madness 

Actually, I think what doesn't make sense is the one who is stupid enough to go cheating after being with someone for 10+ years and building a life together  Why risk a 10+ year relationship together with a whole life time for some flimsy fling that'll only last just a few minutes anyway?? Now that's what shouldn't make sense to you!!

ghengis:
@wendy and busta!
I believe a serious relationship is a lot about communication, being able to reach the deeepest parts of your partner both the dreams and fears all together, shutting me out means no matter how hard i try, she just aint letting me into those things. Clear?!!!

Not really. She shuts you out, you cheat. What does that get you? or how does that change anything? Don't you think that would totally eliminate any hopes (however slim) of her ever opening up to you again or just plain make things worse? Unless of course you're out to put an end to the relationship ,

mamaput:
windywendy as a nigerian living in Nigeria not even your boss will support you.
Nigeria is not yet ready for that.
Only very strong women do that And they are not many.
I am not talking of bringing second wife were you may say am a christian.
Am talking about cheating

Mama put, I completely agree with you. This does not only apply to Nigerians, it happens here even among white families in the U.S. And you're right, it's only the strong that can do that. IMO, support is not the issue. I personally am someone who will do what I strongly believe, whether or not there is support from any quarter. Afterall, no one can force anyone to stay with and love another. When I was working in Nigeria, I had a colleague who did the same with her cheating husband. Of course, no one supports divorce and everyone (including me, out of shock because I knew the couple very well) tried to convince her that she should slow down and rethink leaving the guy. But ultimately, no one could convince her to go back. Up till today she's no longer with him and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Ultimately, I think it boils down to one's convictions and resolve and if people know you're resolute about something, they'll generally just leave you alone after a while. Afterall, we each have our own lives to live.

So somehow, I guess we're in agreement.

I think it's a matter of one's mentality, self-esteem and what one truly believes. I'm nigerian through and through, yet not even my family can force me to stay with a cheating spouse -- and I bet you there are many  nigerians like that too. Plus I guess it becomes more difficult if the woman is totally dependent on the man for her sustenance -- that way he may take advantage of her, do what he likes and still get away with it. And that's totally wrong, but then shit happens

Radiant:
Wendy I know what you mean

The issue of walking out immediately still doesn't go down well This issue is so sensitive.

Well, I guess that's where we differ. The moment I can confirm beyond any doubt that he cheated, I'm outta there fast. I won't even waste my time having any further discussion and trying to find out the reason(s) he cheated. I personally don't believe there's any reason whatsoever for a spouse to cheat and I can never give myself an excuse to do so either. If there were problems, then problems have different solutions, but in my opinion, cheating is NOT one of those solutions. It's just wrong and I absolutely can't stand it. I can take anything, go through any trials and still stand by him, I can even still continue to stick with him if say  he gets in a position where he can no longer provide for me and the kids or even becomes impotent or something terrible like that -- I'll buckle up and stand solidly with him. But cheating is where my loyalties will instantly evaporate.

and if you get one std or the other before it gets to your neck?

Radiant:
But Wendy, if it was you, what can your man do to make you cheat on him?

Nothing, absolutely nothing. I'll rather divorce him than cheat, even if he cheats on me. Cheating is absolutely disgusting to me and I can't even imagine myself doing it. The way I see it, cheating on a spouse just to get back at them for whatever thing they've done is like cutting one's nose to spite one's face. What a stupid thing to do

ghengis:
There are manyh things my spouse cld do to make me cheat but i guess the most important is shutting me out of her life.
,  i can stand other things but def not that.

Just out of curiosity Ghengis, what would be the objective of cheating on your spouse because she shut you out of her life? to get her to open up to you again?

Radiant:
Wendy, I remember you

Oh yes Radiant, I remember you too . We meet again, yet on a related topic

I haven't been on nairaland in a while but came across this thread while scheming through ,

It's amazing how most of the guys who've responded seem to think that a woman leaving her husband who cheats is being unfair, and it's even more amazing that they find it difficult to accept the fact that some women will simply not stay with a cheating husband.

I'm very much married, and have been so for close to five years. I for one will NEVER stay with a cheating husband. There are many many things I can tolerate in a marriage relationship, but cheating is an absolute deal breaker, whether it happens just once or multiple times. I can never cheat on my husband, no matter what and I definitely expect the same thing from him.  

No man or woman is perfect. I'm sure my husband is not the best provider or even the best in bed and he's definitely not the most handsome man on the planet. He's not exactly a gladiator either and the nature of my  job brings me around lots of men who are more of everything that my husband is, and who even make advances towards me, knowing fully well that I'm married with a kid. Does that mean that I would cheat on my husband? Of course not. There are times when the husband becomes downright annoying, unreasonable and nearly bores me to tears. There are also times when he pays more attention to that new car or laptop or even to the dumb political newspaper than to me. Will I use these as excuses to seek comfort in the arms of another man? Of course not. If I have a problem with him, we sit, discuss and resolve and if there are habits each of us needs to tolerate in the other, we do so (just as long as those habits are not destructive).

I expect the exact same thing from my husband. I'm thoroughly amazed by the guys on this site that seem to blame their women when they (the men) cheat. That's just stupid. When you marry, you make a commitment. Whether or not you keep that commitment is a question of integrity. If you cheat, it's because you have no integrity. Period. Do you honestly expect the woman to look her best or be on her best behavior always? You must be kidding me!! There will be really bad hair days -- and lots of them for that matter -- and your commitment means you  have to stick with them rather than run into the arms of another woman and later turn around to blame your actions on your wife.

No man (or woman) who cheats is worth staying with -- what a waste of time!! If you have problems in your marriage, stay there and solve those problems. And if you think you absolutely can't handle the problems and don't know how to pray, then get a divorce and get out. It's a more honorable thing to do than to go cheating, as if cheating will solve the problem. It's disgusting just to think about. Can you imagine your spouse sleeping with another?? It's disgusting just thinking about it   . I definitely won't put up with it for 2 seconds.

I initially said I won't respond to this topic anymore, but I change my mind  . This last post and you won't hear from me again on this topic.

waffistyle:
you stubborn sha, i have not said men should be polygamous, or sleep with their maids, i just don't see it right your putting a man and a woman on an equal scale, it is not right,,

Nope, it's not me putting a man and a woman on an equal scale. God did that with regard to fidelity in marriage when He declared adultery a sin. Look what He says in Heb.13:4 Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous.. So if you think it's not right, you're welcome to take your beef with God on that one.

waffistyle:
men have their challenges in life diffferent from a womans challenges,

And yes, I absolutely agree with that. But challenges are meant to be overcome, and God gives us the grace to overcome. Otherwise why would there be sin at all?? Or put differently, why would there be consequences for succumbing to such challenges

waffistyle:
Aman must treat his wife like a queen, for you are now one flesh, and body, any thing you do to your wife you do to yourself, and it is also good to guide your emotions, as a man, so no need to have mistresses that will pull you away from your home, thus destroying it,

For once, you're sounding levelheaded. That's a breather 

waffistyle:
any way a man should honour his wife with his body, though this means you are not compelled, you chose and agreed to honour her, while she swore complete fidelity to you,

FYI, here is the definition of a vow (from webster's dictionary): a solemn promise or assertion; specifically : one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition

When a man vows to honor his wife with his body, this means that he is COMPELLED to honor her with his body. How can anyone make a vow they're not compelled to abide by?? Is that anything serious at all?? What a joke 

When you vowed to forsake all others and honor her with your body, you vowed to be faithful. Whether you realize that or not, you swore complete fidelity to her. What you made was a vow, and not just some random choice or agreement that isn't binding. And if that's truly what you did (i.e. the random thing), then I dare say you're not married  . A marriage involves exchange of vows between TWO people and each person is COMPELLED to abide by those vows until death do them part.

waffistyle:
good night i actually enjoyed chatting with you, you strike me as an intelligent, smart person, hope no be so yu de argue face to face, you no de greeeeee,

Thanks for the compliment though. About the face to face thing, no I don't engage in unnecessary arguments, esp. not face to face. However I do have very strong convictions about marriage (and many other things in life) that I've developed over the years (mostly from the bible) right from when I was still a teenager. It will take more than just mere baseless words, wishful thinking or archaic stereotypes to get me to change those convictions. I CAN NEVER agree with someone who tells me that men are not compelled to be faithful in marriage while women are. That's just nonsense. Why get married to someone who's not compelled to be faithful to me and who in turn requires me to be faithful to him that's just madness. Even people in everyday life would not get into a contract that puts them at a disadvantage (and yet, that's just a contract that they can easily get out of compared to a marriage relationship).  How ridiculous is that?? I'ld rather be single. I'm glad that God, the author of the marriage relationship, doesn't hold that view.

Bhola:
Wow, Windywendy, I must say I really do admire you. Psst, actually, I have it somewhere on this site, that you are my fav. nl female. No let the others hear o.

Right on point in your discussions. No sugar coating, just saying it like it should be said. I could say more to mr waffi, but u said it all.

Good job woman!

Thanks Bhola, that was refreshing

I'll respond to you this one last time and then rest my case.

You're not getting my point. Let me put it this way: if it was a woman who approached Jesus to ask Him if she could divorce her husband for any reason, she would have got the same answer that Jesus gave, which is basically: no divorce except on the grounds of infidelity. .

Putting it differently, Jesus Christ will not say to the men "you can divorce your wives on the grounds of infidelity" and then turn to the women and say "you CANNOT divorce your husbands on the grounds of infidelity". That's hypocrisy and Jesus Christ NEVER gave contradictory commands like that. God is truly no respecter of persons. In his sight, sin is sin, irrespective of who commits it. So if He says something is wrong, it is wrong for EVERYONE, whether male or female.

Having a mistress or having extra-marital affairs qualifies as infidelity, and a woman (or man) is allowed to divorce their spouse on the basis of that.

Jesus completely supports a person (whether man or woman) divorcing their spouse on the grounds of infidelity. So whatever you think or support is IRRELEVANT.

Again, you keep making reference to the old testament to support your views. Yes, back then men had many wives. But right now under the new testament dispensation, it is not so. It is NOW one man, one wife, and that's the exact point Jesus was making when saying that anyone who divorces except on the grounds of sexual immorality is in the wrong. I've quoted scriptures in my previous posts that point to the fact that marriage is between TWO people. There is no where in the new testament where you'll see God or even the church endorsing polygamy, much less a man or woman having extra-marital affairs. Period.

Explain this then:

1Cor.7:10-11:

But to the married people I give charge--not I but the Lord--that the wife is not to separate from her husband.
But if she does [separate from and divorce him], let her remain single or else be reconciled to her husband.

If truly it was unheard of for women to divorce their husbands, why is this scripture encouraging women not to divorce their husbands?? Obviously women, even in biblical times, could divorce their husbands otherwise this verse of scripture would be redundand and unnecessary.

In reading the bible, especially the gospels, most of Jesus' audience were men because in those days men were the more outspoken, etc. However that does not mean that anything Jesus said to these men applies to men alone. If that's the case, most of His commands will apply to men alone and women will be free to walk in disobedience to them. So when Jesus is talking to men, it equally applies to women and vice versa. Afterall, when He spoke the words "you must be born again", He was speaking to a man. Will you say that statement does not apply to women simply because Jesus was speaking to a man?? There are so many similar instances like that in the bible. Also, when He said "you must worship God in spirit and in truth", He was speaking to a woman. Will you because of that say that the statement only applies to women?? Of course not.

Surely, you don't think that if Jesus was saying that men could divorce their wives on the grounds of infidelity, he would be telling women not to divorce their husbands on those same grounds. Jesus was no hypocrite . If His audience were women, I don't believe He would have said anything different. GOD IS NO RESPECTER OF PERSONS.

@waffistyle:

Submission has absolutely NOTHING to do with infidelity. The bible does not command a woman to submit to a husband who commits adultery, infact that is the ONLY basis that Jesus Christ allows for divorce in the bible!! That fact alone should tell you that FAITHFULNESS IS A PRE-CONDITION FOR MARRIAGE!! . Without that on the side of both the man and the woman, there can be no marriage, and the aggrieved spouse is FREE to leave the cheating spouse. The fact that women 50 or whatever number of years ago chose to stay with their cheating husbands does not change this fact in any way.

All that stuff you're saying about how that it is women now proposing to men and how that men are no longer getting married is all BS and is all in your mind. Marriages are taking place very regularly and lots and lots of men are still proposing.

And yes, I do understand the word submission. It originated from God and has been bastardized by men (I mean human beings in general). God, the originator says that Men are to love their wives LIKE CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH. Also, Women are to submit to their husbands AS UNTO THE LORD. So love and submission in marriage is ALL in relation to Jesus Christ. With that kind of relationship, there is no fornication or adultery involved.

Stop whining about the fact that men can no longer behave the way they want in marriage because women are becoming more enlightened. Men have been entrusted with the leadership position in marriage and that means that they must be accountable for the well being of the marriage, just as Christ is accountable for the well being of the church as his bride. That type of leadership is righteous and sacrificial, not lustful and selfish. Just as Christ as the husband of the Church does not commit adultery against his bride (the church), men in loving their wives are NOT to commit adultery against them either. That's the type of righteous leadership that God demands of men in relationships. Good marriages belong to such men as are ready to take up that leadership challenge, and not for immature boys who think leadership in the marriage relationship is all about doing whatever fulfils their wanton sexually immoral fantasies. No woman is commanded of God to stay with such an immature boy, even if he's her husband.

Your ideas and arguments are spineless and baseless to say the least. Also, your statistics are simply in your head. Studies show that the difference between men and women who have extramarital affairs is slight (men being about 5 to 7% higher), and that gap is even narrowing. But even this does not prove the point I'm trying to make, which is: No person who is serious minded about a marriage relationship will tolerate a cheating spouse.

First off, women demand and expect complete fidelity and loyalty from their marriage partners as much as men do. If you doubt this, try cheating on your wife and see if you'll still be happily married. Infact, if she's like me, she'll simply kick you to the curb and replace you with someone who has more sense than to go cheating  

What marriage vows did you use during your wedding? I presume you're a christian, and that would mean that you used the same ones that I must have used. In my marriage vows, both man and woman vowed to love and cherish, FORSAKE ALL OTHERS (that means sexual purity) and cleave to each other in sickness, health bla bla bla. It's amusing to me that you still hold on to your funny views even in the face of prepondering evidence. Assuming your wedding vows are correct, what does it mean to honor your wife with your body?? A man or woman who goes committing adultery is definitely not honoring their spouse with their body. There is absolutely no honor without fidelity or faithfulness.

Lastly, please stop making references to the bible to support your views. God DOES NOT CONDONE ADULTERY, and has made that clear in His word: Look at Heb. 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous. And before you jump to conclusions, this instruction was not given to women only, but to married couples.

The conditions you have stated for both men and women to marry is just laughable. I am a woman, and I can definitely tell you that the number 1 condition that  I married my husband was NOT his ability to provide for me. Most women work and can cater for themselves. It is important no doubt, but definitely not number 1. So what would happen if at some point the man loses his job and can't provide for her financially for a while? will she leave him because of that?? Of course not, at least not most women. But if the man cheats on her, she's most likely to leave him for that reason alone. 

Your thought pattern is baffling. You're assuming that a woman puts financial provision from her man above fidelity  How ignorant can you get?? Do you honestly think most women are that dumb, and that most women say to themselves "I don't care if he cheats on me, as long as he can provide for my needs financially?? . This is absolutely amazing!!! What then leads to all the breakup and divorces initiated by women?? Is it the man's inability to provide or is it the fact that he cheated?? The most common thread between men and women who initiate separation or divorces from their partners is the fact that the partner (whether male or female) cheated.

In the end, you're entitled to your own opinions though. But stop deceiving yourself about what you claim to know of women or marriage. Infact I 'll say you're completely ignorant of what women want and need from a marriage relationship. Fidelity is NUMBER 1 in the minds of most married people, otherwise why marry?? Why not live like animals and have as many partners as we want -- that'll definitely be a lot less stressful for both parties!!. But marriage implies forsaking all others and cleaving to one. Remember ,  the man shall LEAVE his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife and the TWO shall become one. God is the author of marriage, and He commands faithfulness in it, both from the man and from the woman, in order for the marriage to work. Marriage cannot work any other way. A word is enough for the wise.

PS: Please don't continue on and on. Your ideas on marriage are absolutely false, chauvinistic, one-sided and archaic and no one in their right mind will buy into them. Even your wife doesn't, so that should tell you something about them ,  . And please, whatever you do, don't pass these wierd ideas onto your children. Marriage is honorable and sacred and should be regarded as such by all who want to enter into it. There's no excuse for cheating by either party. Contrary to your opinion, FAITHFULNESS TO ONE'S SPOUSE, BOTH ON THE PART OF THE MAN AND WOMAN, IS A CONDITION TO BEING HAPPILY MARRIED. Peace.

naija_diva:
i believe everyone got it too.

Yeah, but it could have been worded more tactfully. It sounds really tacky, you know, like a school principal talking down to his students

I received the following message from the site admin:

Two New Rules For Active Nairaland Members
« Sent to: (Undisclosed recipients) on: October 13, 2006, 06:43 PM »   

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Hello,

In order to make Nairaland the most enjoyable online detination for Nigerians, two new rules have just been created:

1)  The location in your profile must be the country, state or town you currenty live in - if you're active.

Your location is very important to other members of the forum, because where you live affects your perceptions and experiences.  For example, a Nigerian living in UK would know more about racism while a Nigerian at home will know more about the day-to-day experiences of a person living in Nigeria.  It has also been discovered that many topics cannot be fully understood unless one knows where the poster lives. 

Therefore you are required to indicate at least your country of residence in your profile.  If you're unwilling to indicate this in your profile, then you must refrain from making posts on the forum.

If you make posts on the forum without complying with this rule, you'll be banned for 5 days.  Locations like "in my girlfriend's bosoms" or "somewhere far away" will be punished most severely.

2)  Animated signatures, moving signatures, or image signatures more than 20 pixels tall are forbidden.

A flashy signature distracts people from the subsance of a thread and tends to lead to offtopic comments like "please remove your signature" or "what a cute signature" or "that signature is making me dizzy".  Therefore if your signature is animated or an image more than 20 pixels high, you are now required to remove it. 

If you make any post after recieving this message and a distracting signature if found attached to such a post, you will be banned for a period of five days and the signature will be removed by me.


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Remember:  Resistance is futile and will be crushed!!  Obey before complaint!!  My forum, my rules!! 

Thanks,[/color][color=#990000][/color][color=#990000][color=#990000][/color]

Needless to say, I was disappointed, extremely so. Seun, I've always regarded you as a smart guy, but I haven't seen this level of arrogance in a long, long while. This is disappointing indeed and most unnecessary. Very immature way to communicate.  . Whao, this is amazingly arrogant!!

waffistyle:
even in the animal kingdom, among mamals the males dominate their environment, and in some cases kill themselves, in order to control the females, the females don't fight to control the men?,

@waffistyle, your opinions and way of thinking never cease to baffle me  . It seems to me like you're one of those men who will hold their wives to a higher standard when it comes to sexual morality -- i.e who never expect their wives to commit adultery (and probably will never forgive if the wife commits it) and yet at the same time will expect the wife to forgive and be understanding when he commits adultery. That's one-sided, hypocritical and crude.

Now listen, there's a reason humans do not live in the animal kingdom -- we're not like them. So what happens there stays there and cannot be translated to human-land. Human beings should have a higher standard of living and a much higher sense of morality.

From my own perspective, no cheating husband is worth staying with. I will NEVER stay with a cheating spouse. If my husband expects to trust me with men, then I should also expect to trust him with women. I work with men everyday who are much more handsome, richer, more intelligent etc than my husband, and who would even make advances towards me despite the fact that they know I'm married. But I'll never be stupid enough to go flirting or even cheating with them. I expect and demand the same from my husband in his relations with other women. Marriage is give and take, and any man that sets a higher standard for his wife when it comes to such issues, and yet he himself chooses to live by a lower standard is definitely insecure, unrealistic and hypocritical. That marriage can never work -- at least if the wife knows her worth. No right-thinking wife will take that at all, it's nonsense  . A faithful wife wants (and deserves) a faithful husband. Period.

Forget all that BS you're saying about men being free to commit adultery, or all that crappy impression you're trying to give us about men being as helpless as "a cat with a fish" when it comes to maintaining fidelity. That's just plain rubbish. Men are made to be the leaders in the family, and it's their responsibility to keep the home intact and protect it from anything that can bring destruction. If men are as weak as you're trying to get us to believe, then God would be unfair to command holy matrimony (i.e. the marriage bed being undefiled) and would also be stupid to make the man the head of the family!! The man is the head of the family, his wife expects to look up to him, and he should set the example in the home rather than succumb to destructive behavior and begin to cover up with lame excuses (no right-thinking woman will accept a guy like that as her husband because it'll be difficult to respect him  )

The way I see it, you're just making excuses for sin and trying to be manipulative about it. Sell your wierd ideas to your village women (or other women that choose to fall for them), but definitely don't try coming out here to convince the educated world that what you're saying makes any sense at all.

Finally, if any man or woman commits adultery, it's HIS or HER fault entirely. You cannot blame your sins on someone else. Just as a man can give excuses and blame his adulterous behavior on his wife, the wife can also give excuses and blame her adulterous behavior on the husband, and the blame game can go on and on. But at the end of it all, the offender is merely deceiving him/her self. Anyone who cheats, cheated because they wanted to.

I don't envy your wife or wife-to-be at all. I'm assuming she's one of the women who buy into these your bizzare ideas. However in the unlikely event that you're neither married nor engaged to be married, I advise you don't go for any woman who knows her worth because the day you cheat on her, she'll dump you and find herself a more sensible guy. That's reality my brother, so wake up and smell the coffee