₦airaland Forum

Parents? Maybe. Inlaws? NADA!!

Hmmm, this is a tough one <sub>*sighs* 

**thinking, and might reply later**</sub>

because we don't the husband to go around sleeping with the maid (just like the husband won't expect the wife to go around sleeping with the houseboy)

It seems to me that your wife is fed up with your constant nagging. I'll take excerpts from your story and tell you the way I, as a woman, would see it.

"I tried all my best to please my wife in all "ramifications"( i.e. take her as a wife and partner, take her family as mine etc), but most time when I correct my wife on some issues that will make are better as a wife, she takes it so personal, in a way that she will resist the advice and prefare to rather justify her act."[/color][color=#990000][/color]

The way I see it, you're not trying to please your wife at all. Rather what you're trying to do is make her into the image you think she should be, hence your trying to tell her things that will make her a "better wife". See, it's all about YOU, and if I were her, I would see your attempts as being selfish and manipulative and would most likely resist your advice as well. You stop bugging her and focus instead on doing the things that would make YOU a "better husband", surely you're not perfect and even if you were, there's always room for improvement 

[color=#990000]"Most recently, my younger bro came for a weekend  and her attitude to him was not really welcoming, any little mistake he makes, she send an indirect message"[/color][color=#990000]

I don't know what you mean by indirect message, but it seems to me that not only are you nagging your wife constantly about her attitude, you're stalking her and watching for every little misstep. A guy with an attitude like that is difficult to live with  . Give her some breathing space my brother and let her be. If you must correct, please do so in love and by your loving actions. Enough of the nagging and complaining. Stop trying to change her, love her inspite of her and see if she wouldn't do everything in her power to please you 

"Age wise my brother is older than her, he is currently a final year student in the University, infact the worst of it all is that she expected him to wash the plate he used to eat last night, when her nice is there, who do the daily watching."

I really don't see anything wrong in her wanting your brother to wash his plates after eating, especially if your wife cooked the meal -- it's just a sign of appreciation. But then l'll assume that your culture does not tolerate that. If I were in your shoes in this matter, I would ask myself many questions, the answers to which might hold the key to your wife's behavior. How does your brother relate with her? Does he treat her with respect and consideration or does he expect her to wait on him hand and foot (remember she married you and NOT your brother, so if anyone else expects her to treat them like her husband that might just elicit some negative reaction)? Do you, as her husband, hold her with high esteem in front of your brother (and family members) or do you correct and belittle her in their presence? I believe that your wife is just simply letting  out frustration and transferring her aggression  about something which she finds uncomfortable. Find out what it is and do something about it. And please whatever you do, don't let your brother (or any of your family members for that matter), come into your house and treat your wife like she's their slave. That's one of the fastest ways to make your wife loose respect for you!! Enuf said here 

"I pointed it to her that she should try to be accommodating and be careful the way she treat my brother, she took it so personal, she forced me to say all sorts of thing that really made her angry."

I'm assuming (and hoping) here that you did not do the "pointing out" in the presence of your brother. If you did, then yes, she should take it personal (I would too)! Now listen up dude, NO ONE can force you to say anything, so don't use your wife as an excuse for your inability to control your anger. It's bad enough that you nag her, now you blame her for your actions too  Be the man, and be in control of the atmosphere in your home and of your emotions! If your wife is doing something that you don't like, bring it up to her gently. If she's upset and doesn't want to listen, cut off the conversation then and bring it up much later when things have settled down. And at least once in a while, take her side. Stand by her and support her as her man. You can't always criticize her for her behavior towards someone else, it'll seem like you're on the other people's side all the time. Also, find opportunities to commend her when you notice changes that please you. No one can blossom in an environment where there is constant criticism, it's tough.

"I have try using words of advice to put things in order, but it is not really helping matter. I believe in changes, I also believe that learning is a continuous process, etc"

Obviously your words of advice aren't yielding any results. Try something different -- try loving actions, live by example. If there's anything you want her to do, demonstrate that in your own lifestyle and in your relationship with her and others. She'll learn. Stop the nagging, it won't achieve anything. The definition of madness is "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result". Your constant "words of advice" will only continue to yield the same results that you're currently having. OK enough said here 

"but I know that there is an issue somewhere"

Yep, you bet there is!! Solve the problem by dealing with yourself.

Lastly, enjoy your married life




PS: Don't forget to thank me when you begin to see the wonderful results of putting my advice into practice 

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

awwww, all's well that ends well. Remember to stay faithful. Enjoy the rest of your married life

chumas:
@windywendy, I was not going to join this topic until I read your "silly" comments. I do not smoke or drink alcohol but I tell you that research finds that weed does not constitute any health hazard. It will not kill any one for sure and will not cause cancer. Please the internet is free for u to read up on findings by known physicians. Weed therefore is no more an illegal substance in so many countries. Only the bureaucrats who still SMOKE the stuff but are so PRETENTIOUS are the ones opposing the stuff.

As for the main area of discussion, my brother if the girl no wan gell wit u because of weed, abeg forget am jare!!! Girls plenty out there for real. She will finally meet a man that will molest her and her kids, I bet that's the one she will prefer.

Chumas, first of all, I never said that marijuana will cause cancer. IT IS HARMFUL. I don't know what research you're referring to but here's something on the effects of marijuana for you to ponder on from wikipedia:

Cognitive effects
Short or long-term psychosis/schizophrenic disorders in some users [30]
Varying amounts of paranoia and anxiety in some users[31]
Loss of coordination and distorted sense of time [32]
Impairment of short-term memory in some users[33]
Auditory or visual hallucinations at high doses in some users[34]
Induced sense of novelty[citation needed]
Increased awareness of sensation, including visual stimulation, music, taste, and sexual pleasure[citation needed]
Increased mental activity, like metacognition and introspective or meditative states of mind[citation needed]
Relaxation or stress reduction[citation needed]
Mild entheogenesis (e.g. per Rastafarian users, more "Jah-Vibrations"[citation needed]
[edit]
Behavioral effects
Varying degrees of euphoria and feelings of well-being, ranging from feelings of general well-being to lengthy fits of laughter[citation needed]
Paramnesia, repetitiveness and ambiguation[citation needed]
Initial wakefulness followed by drowsiness and lassitude ("burnout"[citation needed]
Gain or loss of some inhibitions[citation needed]
[edit]
Physiological effects
Antiemetic properties (in moderate doses) [35]
Lowered intraocular pressure, beneficial to glaucoma patients and sufferers of headaches, cramps, and eye pain.
Dilation of blood vessels (vasodilation),[36] resulting in:
Increased blood flow and heart rate (possibly even tachycardia)
Reddening or drying of eyes
Enhancement of many other drug effects (such as those of alcohol, MDMA, or opiates)[35]
Lower blood pressure while standing. Higher blood pressure while sitting (note that this can lead to instances of orthostatic hypotension, also known as head rush).[37]
Increased appetite (often referred to as "the munchies", an effect of stimulation of the endocannabinoid system, which affects body weight, insulin resistance, and dyslipidemia.[38]
Varying degrees of dry (cotton) mouth[39]
Dilation of alveoli (air sacs) in lungs, resulting in deeper respiration and increased coughing.
Induces drowsiness (beneficial to sufferers of insomnia and sleep deprivation).[40]

Most of what has been cited above is definitely not good!

chumas qblaze:
As for the main area of discussion, my brother if the girl no wan gell wit u because of weed, abeg forget am jare!!! Girls plenty out there for real. She will finally meet a man that will molest her and her kids, I bet that's the one she will prefer.

And perhaps she will finally meet a man sensible enough to stay away from harmful substance and from TROUBLE  You say "half empty", I say "half full" 

kennyuche:
.@windywendy, trado-medicaly its herb, good for athritis, good 4ur hair too n some ladies smoke it. Its jst like anyother drug which stimulates hormones.better than cigarette, heroin n alcohol. Also good 4 sports. U jst hav to know your dosage.

Unfortunately I don't buy your pitch. If you say it's like any other drug and then you say you smoke it leisurely, does that mean you would take drugs leisurely? sounds like drug abuse to me. Do away with that stuff dude, it's no good. There are better ways of stimulating your homones which don't constitute a health hazard for you or anyone else

segun111:
My advice is for all to marry someone you can trust period.

Hmmm, I don't believe most people marry people that they don't trust -- that'll be really stupid don't you think? I'm of the opinion that if there are trust issues in a marriage, then things must have been done to break down the trust that once was existent. Trust once earned can be lost you know

spade:
The People

1.Naydene(South Africa) - She's really possessive. I only agreed because she was my first. I didn't know any better then.
2.Naydene(Nigeria) - She's a real money freak
3.Zainab - She's a flirt and always wants to have sex every minute of the day
4.Linda - I really like her, but she always thinks I'm cheating on her
5.Amanda - She always goes around having sex at her young age(18) and I tagged her the name LovePeddler!
6.Sandra - She was always picking up fights with me so I gave her the name BITCH! I had earlier asked the Nairaland Members for help but I was too late when they started replying.
7. Lisa - She tells me she likes me, but I want to take my time

What happened

1. Naydene(South Africa) - She had misplaced jealousies about me and even got angry at me when she saw me talking with my female coursemate at school. She was always comparing me to her ex-boyfriend 'Nosh' (A Bouncer) and this really pissed me off and I had to call it quits with her.

2.Naydene(Nigeria) - She was always bugging me and asking me to buy her stuff that was way beyond my pocket and would stop talking to me whenever I said no. I eventually dumped her when I almost exhausted my bank account.

3.Zainab - She went around sleeping and fucking around with anybody she saw. We never really clicked because I knew
It would have a sad ending. She still stalks me around, but I can handle it.

4. Linda - She thought I was cheating from day one and had sex with one of my "friends" but discovered I wasn't and asked us to come back again but I just thought It was best we quit that relationship.

5. Amanda - She looked trustworthy in the beginning but she turned out to be a faker who had sex at her young age.
We quit the relationship and she got pregnant for either a bus conductor or an egg seller (I can't remember) and ran off to Benin and has never been heard from again. I feel so disgusted I was ever in a relationship with someone like that.

6.Sandra - She was always picking up fights with me and it looked like she enjoyed them. In all the relationships I've had, that one was too fake and I had dubbed it a "Plastic Relationship". We eventually quit when she crossed the line. Ihad wanted to save that particular relationship because I was too tired of having disastrous relationships.

7.Lisa - She keeps telling me she really likes me, but I don't want us to start this relationship because I want to take my time time to understand girls, What they like and what they hate as to keep my relationship safe.

Lessons Learnt

1. Always feel free to say no to girls when they ask you for a relationship and you don't feel the same way
2. Try as much as you can to understand your partner
3. try harder to save your relationship and if you can't WALK!
4. Be careful who you call your friends because they can become the inverse in the face of something that means a lot to you .

And Most of all,
5.Pray to God to keep you safe from the urges of extra-marital sex. You don't have to join in just because everybody is doing it so try not to be easily influenced or seduced by the forces of darkness who take control of your once stable life and ravage it beyond repair

Thanks!
Love, Spade

Hmmmm, you had to go thru all that heartbreak and trauma just to learn these obvious lessons Perhaps you could have just grabbed yourself a good book on relationships or even read the bible (assuming you're a christian) or just simply observe people's lives, and you'ld learn a lot more without all the unnecessary drama.

Anyways, it's really good you learned your lessons. Hope your future relationships are a lot more fulfilling and a lot less dramatic

As for you wanting to understand girls, forget it dude, it'll never happen. Just know what you want in a woman and look for those qualities. And while you're at it, don't forget to develop in yourself the qualities that'll keep the type of woman that you want to have (i.e the qualities that will make her esteem you highly and want to stay with you). Goodluck my guy

Yes Seun, I think it would be a great idea to set aside a board for discussions on stock investments.

@ Allwell, No, Afribank isn't giving out any dividends or bonuses (to my knowledge that is), it's just that they increased their PAT by over 500%. They're now in the primary market shopping for N30b (3bill shares @ N10). Somehow, I feel that their move is kind of suspicious. First the share price rises dramatically, then the results are out and almost immediately,  they're shopping for more money. Sounds like they doctored the increase in their share price -- actually my broker just told me that they gave out loans to people and encouraged them to purchase their shares (i'm not sure how true this is). But either way, i'm selling. I've made a good return already anyway, so I'm out  

ThoniaSlim:
and also i believe a woman in love can be tamed to respect her man.

Tamed? what Are we talking humans here or (tamable) animals

iice:

@windywendy, you don turn pastor? lol

Ehen now The thread says Nigerian men don't marry early enough. Douzy is one Nigerian man who's unmarried and who has found everything he wants in a prospective wifey in iice. What's to stop anyone from making the connection happen I'm only doing the honors. Desperate times call for desperate measures abeg

Douzy:
Yea, I think iice has the kind of mentality I want to see in my prospective wife.

Bingo!!! Now we have a tie . I now pronounce iice and Douzy man and wifey  . Somebody shout AMEN!!! 

@ Topic:

Errrrrmmm, remind me again why you're making a married man your confidant and "big brother", arranging private meetings with him and spilling out all your guts to him

[quote author=mad_genius link=topic=23414.msg630149#msg630149 date=1159389870]We must always strive for the best. the biggest sin is living a mediocre life, borne of irrational fear. (my opinion, of course I may be wrong)[/quote]I'm totally with you on that one!!

That's good to hear. Are you married? if so, your husband better count himself lucky to have a woman determined to stay with him no matter what . If not, then may I say you'll sure make a good wife someday 

Well I do believe prayers can solve problems, seriously.

Now unto your question about what I would do if this happened to me, hmmmm, it's a tough one really. Like I said earlier, 5years of taking lies and deceit and all that what not can be really damning. My knee jerk reaction would be to leave the guy, esp. if he shows no signs of repentance -- like arguing that he doesn't see anything wrong with his actions and all that. This might be especially so if I've forgiven him again and again over the years and he just keeps taking my forgiveness for granted. I will really feel like he's treating me like a fool and taking advantage of the fact that I'm faithful to him. But on second thoughts, I might NOT divorce him if he truly repents and I see him take visible and reasonable steps to change. If he decides to continue in his deceitful ways, then hmmmmm, I really don't know   Divorce might just loom in my mind   . It's really a sad state of affairs

But Radiant, can you please explain to me how a marriage where there is distrust can work and be fulfilling?? I'm finding this a really hard concept to grasp. How can you cry on the shoulders of, and place your innermost confidences in, someone who you don't trust

Ehhhh, this topic is getting more interesting by the minute.

@mad_genius: Abeg no vex for Radiant, she has every right to express her opinion. You be genius na, so you should understand that.

@izoneb:

I hear you my girl. Really, I wish and pray that this Bolarge guy works out his relationship problems. If I were the wifey, I'm not really sure what my knee jerk reaction would be and I actually might just consider leaving the guy -- 5 years of lying, deception and the like can really get a relationship to breaking point, esp. if one party has had to continually bear all of that. I personally think it's especially bad if the offender is the guy, because he's supposed to be the leader and live by example. Add to all that the fact that she's even taking care of his responsibilities, meeeennnn, that can break down even the strongest of us women. Having said that though, if I see that the guy is really truly really really repentant, then I might consider going on. But how does one begin to rebuild trust that has been completely broken down?? It's tough, and that's Bolarge's biggest challenge (I think ) -- he's going to have to demonstrate to his wife that he's a man of integrity. How does he begin to do that If you ask me, that's much tougher than getting her back. Either way sha, he sure has a lot of work to do. Somehow I'm quite sure things will work out because it seems like he's on the right path viz-a-viz marriage counselling, reading books on marriage, etc. Perhaps he needed this type of experience to jerk him to reality

hehehehehe

YUP!

Seriously, though, maybe I should say: do away with everything you know can kill you or speed up your death. So if you don't know smoking weed can kill you, then help yourself to as much as you want

Yeah true but what's the point speeding it up Stay away from (or rather "do away with" what's gonna kill ya

Yeah thanks .

I'm not just claiming that my brothers are honest, I know they are. I spend time with them and their wives, I visit, we talk, we hang out a lot! I grew up with these guys for crying out loud, It's real. You can't let your life's experiences color what you see. The fact that one meets one or two or even many bad people doesn't mean everyone's bad. There are men who know what they want in a partner, and once they see that, the fact that she's divorced and has a kid fades into the background and becomes totally irrelevant

Contrary to what you said, I don't TRY to sound positive and optimistic about life. I AM positive and optimistic about life. Life is GREAT, it's full of opportunities, energy and lots of exciting things to conquer  . It's full of wonderful things you can do to be a blessing to people and change lives, and wonderful opportunities to grow and become whatever it is God has created you to become. Yes, shit happens, but then people move on and become stronger and greater. Life is really what you can make of it 

About marrying the right person, YES I Am MARRIED. Building a good relationship takes work and I do work at it everyday, and so does he. The foundation was laid while we were dating. Does that mean there won't be problems? NO. There will be problems but we will work through them. There have been problems, and we have worked through them. I can make many many mistakes, but the one thing I can never be stupid enough to do is to go messing with the foundation of my marriage (which I believe is trust), especially when it has to do with dealing with the opposite sex. That thing breaks down trust very fast and can ruin a marriage like nothing else can.

Can anyone truly find fulfilment in a marriage where trust has been completely broken down? I think not 

If your Guy Smokes Weed Will U Break Up Wt Him?

YEP! and very quickly too. That stuff's not good for anyone Why would anyone not break a habit that's eventually going to kill him someday That to me spells "irresponsible". No harm to anyone though, just my opinion

No it is never proper to fight or argue in front of your kids -- esp. if those arguments are nasty and involve some name-calling. However if you do argue or fight in front of your kids, then make sure they see you make up, forgive and move on

All she needs is ONE man. So the fact that few men will marry a woman like that is really not a problem. Unto the question about whether I would like my brother to marry a divorced woman with a kid, YES. If they truly love each other and find happiness in each other, why not  . It's their decision, and they're both adults. I do have 4 brothers and they're really smart guys. I respect their decisions alot and trust them to choose right. I've watched the way they relate with women -- they're straightforward, honest and respectful guys, and that's one of the reasons that I challenge people who come out saying that men have bad intentions when it comes to dealings with women. I know many men who have good, honest intentions -- infact, I think I know more honest men than dishonest men.

Listen, I'm not going to judge your friend. But there is NO way that anyone can be dating a man (or woman) for 9years and tell me that they didn't see any signs of instability, if those signs suddenly show up in the 10th year. They were there all along and the other person simply chose to ignore them for whatever reason. If a man feels no qualms about dumping his fiancee and his unborn child, he didn't become that way overnight. He's been that way all along, and your friend simply chose to ignore all those subtle signals. For a lot of women, it's basically fear of the unknown -- "will I meet someone else who will want to marry me?", "what if there are worse people out there?" etc etc. All i'm saying is that such fear is unfounded and keeps people in unnecessary bondage.

I've seen many cases of divorced people who went on to have very fulfilling and lasting marriage relationships with other people. I'm not in any way advocating divorce, but my dear, marriage is a two-way street, and like any relationship, there are certain things that will break it down. Like I said in one of my earlier posts, "if you don't want the roof over your house to come crashing down, then don't mess with the foundation" it's that simple 

Oh yeah, I just saw Afribank's results today. FANTASTIC is the one word to describe it

Why do I get the feeling that life's a lot more interesting when your investment decisions turn out right -- esp. when your broker tried to discourage you from buying the stock in the first place?. .

I also made what I can only describe as a "HOME RUN" on my investment in BCC! Wait a minute, my broker also tried to discourage me from buying that late last year Maybe I need to change brokers

Anyway, kudos to all the "keen minded" investors in da house, it's a good day today

Yeah mo, keep expecting. You might get lucky someday

Actually Radiant, I don't live in a world of my own at all. And yes, I do believe that being smart can help you avoid many a troubled relationships. No one becomes the way they are overnight. If someone is basically a dishonest and deceitful person for instance, it would show up in many other ways which anyone can pick up if they're looking well. Most people allow other considerations (especially fear) to crowd their judgement and then act surprised when they see the real colors of their partners after marriage.

Unto Izoneb's comments about intentions, you would have to be able to read everyone's mind to make a statement like that. People just simply live in fear of the unknown and make up stories (or theorize about things) to justify their fear. That's the reason you see a woman (or man) stay in an abusive relationship, because she's telling herself that "the devil I know is better than the ones I don't" or that "many people out there have bad intentions". But then could it just be the other way around? Could it just be there there are people out there with good intentions, and that not most people have bad intentions? Or then again maybe one's view of the world depends on the crowd one hangs out with. I still maintain that there are many good people with genuine intentions out there - I've met many, many a time. If this means living in a world of my own, then so be it -- that's the kind of world I sure love to live in

kennyuche:
@topic. I think the 1st tn da attracts is the looks. If she no fine, e go hard o. For God sake my kids got to be good lookin. What about companionship,, understanding?

Haba man, you yasef fine Abeg post ya pix make we see

On the companionship and understanding angle, I give you good points there sha