₦airaland Forum

Lordedifice1:
You scared her away
You never marry her you don budget wetin she go give
When dy say marriage is not a childs play what were you thinking?
As a man provide everything
When it's time she'll also add hers
But your first impression scared the living day light out of her

You don't even have a problem
Just go sip alcohol

Any other lady would be scared away by his contribution proposal. Only desperate women with their biological clock running out with enter marriage under such conditions.

As I said earlier the OP had no set goals for the marriage, his only concern was how much physical cash he will have to spend during the marriage. Number of children was never discussed. Their prospective careers and ambitions was never discussed. How to deal with extended family members were never discussed. How to raise the kids when they are very young and vulnerable was not discussed. If he intends to have three children in quick succession, the first 10 years would be very demanding on the woman. I hate leaving my children with househelps/ relations, due to the numerous horror stories I have actually witnessesed and read online.

Most people have a wrong impression of marriage and that's why most marriages nowadays fail within the first 10 years. In marriage two is supposed to become one. You finances should become one instead of two. The standard of living of both individual should be the same. The two incomes should be aggregated and the living expenses and lifestyle should be calculated on the total join income. The you contribute this, I contribute that approach is too individualistic.

Ok. What happens if the man is sacked and the woman finds a job that pays much more? Would you still insist on the initial contributions or you demand a new contributions formula? What happens if the man has an accident or has a debilitating illness or temporarily incapacitated?

The way the OP broached the issue is very wrong.

Susily:
Women were not created to be pampered and we live in an era of GENDER EQUALITY which is championed by women, so it is not out of place to ask a woman to contribute financially to the running of the home

Will the man also contribute to the going to the markets, cooking, house keeping and helping the children with homework?

pompeiimagnus:
And how many men can afford that lifestyle in Nigeria today? Una go just dey talk anyhow. 300k won’t even pay tuition for 3 children going to very good private schools in PH today.

Not only portharcourt o. N300K won't pay school fees for 3 children per term in a good secondary school/primary school in a good neighbourhood here in lagos.

poiZon:
Life is a journey not a destination.

The 80k salary isnt static but will be subject to review from time to time.
They r people who earn 500k but don't have their own personal house.
They r people who earn 70k but living moderate n comfortable life.

As I said, standard of living. A person earning 70 will live in a small apartment in a low income area. While a person earning 500k might want his family to live in a flat in a middle class neighbourhood

GetMeRight:
It didn't matter the value of the naira back then, the truth is that their income was very low at the time just like many still have low income at the moment

Also standard of living or requirements of living was very low then also. No phone bills, no data bills, no water bills (drinking water), free or very cheap education. Diet was very basic. No Ndomie, rice was only on special occasions. No Gotv/ DSTV, etc.

poiZon:
80k, biscuit is less than 2k a carton depending on type.
Yes there is inflation is but as a family u know what to spend ur money on.
If she can't sacrifice for heself and family, who will she be saving her money for?
If i have a jb of 80k, i don marry.

It all depends on expectations and standard of living, meaning type of house and neighbour you live. Mode of transportation. If you use personal car as the OP proposes, you will spend more than 60k on petrol alone, and we are not talking of car maintenance yet. Nepa bills nowadays is competing with house rent. etc.

poiZon:
Oga 80k na big money..
Our parents earn 50naira back then and thry didnt complain much.

Keyword, back then. Back then when salary was N50 a brand new Peugeot care was N6,000. Education was free and naira was higher than the dollar.

Now N50 can hardly buy children's biscuit.

bigpicture001:
My girlfriend whom I have planned to settle down with simply started acting cold and eventually stylishly slide out of our relationship because I sat her down and made a family financial support proposal to her in which she will be financially committed to running the proposed family we intend to raise...

These are the proposal...

1. She earns about 80k wile I earn about 300k.. I asked that we jointly contribute for all the children's Career funding starting from when we get married even before any of their birth.. I proposed 10k monthly from her and 40k from me to a trust account. From it we plan to fund all the children's Career from kiddagatten to varsity or which ever path they choose..

2. That sh choose between Nepa bill or DStv or gotv sub monthly..just one for her

3. I will be responsible for rents

4. We pay into another joint account for vacation once in two years..like sh puts in 20k I put in 50k monthly..

5. I provide all the heavy food stuffs required in the house in large quantities including gas ND change of electronics, but sh provide all the daily food supplements to mk mine complete.

6. She buys her clothes ND I buy mine but we can both surprise ourselfs with gift to the other..

7. I will buy the family car ND maintain it. If she buys no p.

8. I didn't rule out surprise gifts once a while and outting which I bankroll ND expect her to do same occasionally..

Plz oo nairalanders are these responsibilities to a wife too much for her, I mean one who works and earn over 50k...?

Incomplete and unrealistic plan.

The plan seems plausible now, but what happens after marriage when children start entering the equation. Education is not the only responsibility you have toward your proposed children. From prenatal to delivery to feeding your proposed children. Pray she doesn't give birth by c-section. Even normal delivery would cost between 80 - 100k. Cost of pampers nowadays na die. Except you want your babies to destroy your house with smell of piss and shit. Baby formula nko. That one cost pass gold. When I think of watin I don pass through in birthing and raising my babies, my prick go just fall.
Then add that to the yearly inflation rate of about 15%, you will see that your 300k and her 80k will pale into insignificance if you want your family to have a minimum standards of living.

You need to invest in the career of both you and your girlfriend in order to increase your earnings to meet the standard of living you are proposing. You girlfriend needs to go back to school or learn a skill that increase her earning power. She is earning too low at the moment to achieve all those contribution targets you are imposing on her. Her personal upkeep and running costs alone would gulp the whole 80k.

kingthreat:
Your Nigeria with oyel money nko

What's the population of Nigeria vs the population of Saudi Arabia vs the oil exports between the two countries?

JONNYSPUTE:
.....And I guess you and your family members suspected his wife due to her actions towards your cousin's mother and generally your family members?

Meaning if you guys have seen any little loophole,you would have used it to accuse her of his death.

Why are you now countering what the op said?

Mind you,I'm not in support of the ops choice of words saying his wife poisoned his mum. But the fact is that she was negligent and careless towards the woman.

His assassination was strange. He was a banker and had no known enemy. He was not into cultism. A bike with a gun man as passenger just pulled up to his car in traffic and shot him twice in the chest. Nothing was stolen from him and his driver was not touched. This is different from a sick old woman with diabetes and hypertension dying.
What does the wife gain by killing the mother in law?

sapoyoro:
you really have such such a terrible family.

And you must have such a wonderful family. All your brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties and cousins must all be trouble free. All their marriages must be perfect.

DeepSight:
And accursed are such married women.



No offense bro, but that your cousin fall hand big time.
Before both God and man.

We all vex, but watin we go do? I was the only one that was still in talking terms with him until he was assassinated on apapa bridge. His priority was his wife and her family.

We all suspected the wife, but then we had no evidence.

JONNYSPUTE:
....You have not answered my question.
Will she also show such negligence if it was her mum? Yes or no.Be honest to yourself. We are not fighting bro.

I have answered you before and I will repeat it again. She will show more care for her own mother because it's is her mother. She is far more emotionally attached to her own mother than her mother in law for obvious reasons. Same also apply to the husband, he should be more emotionally involved with his own mother than his wife's mother.
That is the fact of life!

Should we also blame Silvester's parents for his death because they sent him to a boarding school knowing fully well that it is their sole right to protect and take of their son?

Sylvester's parent's has their own share of the blame for their son's death.
They ignored warning signs about the their son's bullying.
They only report to the school authorities, if it's me I will report to the police or the Lagos State ministry of education. When my son was bullied by a cleaner, I went to the proprietor and threatened to report to the police. The school sent a delegation to my house to beg.

The father did not respond immediately when the school called to come and pick up their child.

The father should have rushed the boy to the nearest hospital once his son told him he had been severely beaten and made to drink something. That would most likely have saved his life. But what did he do? He transported the sick child all thr way to Warri and then took him to the family doctor, some say to a church pastor.

The school has the bulk of the blame for not monitoring children under their care, for not dealing decisively with earlier complaints of bullying and for covering the issue with a bogus claim of football injury.

JONNYSPUTE:
.....Oga stop claiming to be smart. Will the wife treat her own mum or neglect her like she did to his Mother? Simple yes or no.

Stop gallivanting around.

I also asked you why we blamed the school authorities in the case of Silvester even though we all know they weren't involved directly to his death,yet no answer.

Infact all I asked you,you didn't make any attempt to answer any of them.

Hey, emotions don't win cases but facts and evidences do.

The problem with you is that you view marriage as a slave/master relationship or at best an employee/employer relationship. It is not. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. Your wife is not hired to be a nurse or care giver to your mother, father, brothers or sisters. She can decide to be magnanimous and baby sit your mother, but it is not a right.

In the same vein, it is not your responsibility B to cater or prioritize your in-laws over your own patents. I don't subscribe to that notion that I must continue to send money or solve the material needs of my wife's parents and family. It is left entirely to my discretion.

For your information my wife even treats my mother better than she treats me and I am always appreciative. But it is not a right.

Reasonwithme2:
Some persons here haven't lived or taken care of old people before and as such, don't know how difficult and annoying they might be. They hate someone telling them what to do even even their life is at risk, only the learned ones can adhere to such instructions. In one way or the other, everyone failed in his or her responsibility.

You are very wise and experienced, unlike most people who just yarn without having any real life experience.

My mum can barely walk and need two walking sticks to walk on an even floor. She always get annoyed if you try to guide her while climbing the stairs in my house.

If I try to stand behind her just in case she falls backwards, but she will get annoyed and tell me to leave her back, because she doesn't need anyone's help to climb stirs. So whenever she is climbing the stairs when I am around, I will pretend I am walking away but hide in a corner watching her until she successfully finish climbing the stairs.

I feel very old people have a death wish and are always looking for people to "Koba" (implicate)

Double0h7:
First of all, I now believe that that thread was one of seun must chop threads so I don't believe that thread. But if we're going to talk for the sake of it then I think if the wife didn't pay too much attention to the food that the victim ate then who's to say she gave her the medication.

That wife could've just neglected the victim. If I was her husband, I couldn't forgive her because she didn't prioritize my mother. That is enough to judge her and conclude that she doesn't make me feel safe. If I don't feel safe with my wife then I need to think about this...

Nobody and I mean nobody will prioritize your mother more than you. If you expect that from any woman or anybody, then you are living in dreamland.

Many married women don't even allow their husband's mother to enter their home.
I had a cousins (RIP) that the wife didn't allow his husband's mother into their home. That my aunty was the sweetest woman in the world. If she comes to Lagos to see her son, they meet at another cousins house.

JONNYSPUTE:
.....Emotions is all I see playing around in your submissions.

If you are employed as a security guard in a company and due to your negligence there was a theft,do you start blaming your CEO and other staff?

Like I said my submissions where based on what the op wrote.

And who was "employed as a security guard" in this case?

eyinjuege:
My personal thoughts on your own case
Your mother is 83years old.
Allow her enjoy the remaining days of her life doing what she likes, but in moderation.
At that age, where almost all their peers are gone, they just want to relasss and be taken care of.
There comes a point where you have to weigh the treatment and the quality of life it offers.
Let her get away with the occasional coke/sprite (like I said, in moderation. Perhaps once a week or something).
We don't seem to understand the importance of the quality of life for ill people.
There's a lot of education needed for diabetic patients, which is a major part of the treatment success in the long run.
It's not enough for the Dr to say eat this or that, and don't eat this. That is the job of a dietician because even the Drs have little education about the necessary diet.
I would advice those with diabetes to actually speak to a professional dietician about their diet, and get properly educated on it.
Your Dr cannot go through your correct diet with you as that's not his field, and he can only give some general advice. Meanwhile what you need is an advice and diet tailored to you speciifically.
And to all the Drs placing patients on saltless diets, just Negodu. The recommendation is a reduced salt diet and not saltless. Even the specialists worldwide who agreed that as an ideal recommendation understand people need to have some salt in their food to be palatable, otherwise they can't eat the food.
The quantity of salt you should be having can be measured and a dietician can put you through

But if he dies as a result of a diabetic shock who will people blame? If it was discovered that my wife actually gave her soft drink and it led to her dying of diabetic shock, people including family might say my wife poisoned my mother with sugar.

If she falls sick as a result of eating or drinking what is prohibited, it is me that would cough out money to take her to the hospital.

JONNYSPUTE:
.... Judging from the story. Tell your self the truth. Who will you blame?.

Note. We are not there so the op might want to exaggerate the circumstances but let's assume all he said was the truth.

Will you blame the dead woman?.
Alsoo do you know that ignorance is not an excuse and that negligence is a big offence in the law court?

Since you are obsessed with apportioning blame, why blame only the wife? What about others who should also share in the blame game -
1. Theonlysonofher himself who should have ensured that his mother is keeping to the strict diet and medicines. For 10 days after the house help left, he had no clue on the diet his mother was taking.

2. The mother herself ( God bless her soul) who despite knowing that salt is fatal to her health and prohibited from eating salt, eat food with salt without telling the son or anyone else.

3. The sisters. Mr Theonlysonofher said he has 3 sisters. How come non of the sisters are unable to share in the responsibility of the mother mother? How come the responsibility of taking care of a needy mother rests only with mr Theonlysonofher and his wife?

African must always blame the wife or step mother for any misfortune that befall a man

Romanoff:
I remember when my grandma (paternal) was brought to leave with us years back before my dad passed away. She was brought to stay with us cause she was falling Ill frequently and the nurse paid to care for her advised we took her with us for extensive treatment.

My dad took mama to the hospital and they did extensive tests and drugs were prescribed.

We discovered later that mama wasn't taking her drugs, she would eat without taking water and she was abusing paracetamol.

Mama would finish a packet in three days and she would chew all the tablets.

My dad assigned my mum to ensure she took her drugs and my youngest sister to ensure she drank a big cup of water each day.

Mama flight with my mum and would chase my sister away with the water.

My dad got tired and sent her back to the village.

Sometimes, the story is not what you think it is.

It's people that have not lived with old people before that will not understand how mischievous and difficult they can be.

tradepunter:
If it's a heart attack then the probability is doesn't favor the wife.

All the while the house help was around... Nothing happened, then when she went away BOOM!!!

The wife would have totally even avoided this issue by preparing the special meal for the mother.

Autopsy is the only way of proving the wife innocent.... Because if we were to go by the law, that route is what the law permits.

Do you think that if the mother did not have an acquired taste for salt, she would be able to eat regular food with regular salt without complaining?

Besides the autopsy would not be able to determine if it is the salt that was taken a few days ago that caused the stroke. She was already hypertensive. What we should ask is whether poison was found in her system and about her drug regime.

This is my reaction to Theonlysonofher's thread - https://www.nairaland.com/6919425/wife-poisoned-mother-salt

What motivated me to write this rejoinder is a discussion I had with my wife and few minutes ago about the topic. I showed her the thread and that the marriage is on the rocks with the husband and many nairalanders accusing the wife of murder or negligence. It was then she opened up (in fact confessed) about a similar situation in my own home.
Let me explain further...

I have my 83 year old mum who come to spend extended periods of time with my family. She has her own place with her own care givers but prefers to spend time in my house because of the children.
She too just like Theonlysonofher's mother (may her soul rest in peace) has serious health challenges. She is diabetic and asthmatic apart from other old age illness. In fact her leg is swollen from the diabetes. Just like Theonlysonofher's mother the doctor placed her on a special diet. Her diet is to be saltless and with as little carbohydrate as possible. Sugar is completely forbidden. My wife used to prepare different meals for her and then different meal for the rest of us. But recently I notice my wife serves her the same food we all eat. When I asked my wife just tells me she just reduced the salt for the general food and anyone who require more salt can add it.

While discussing this issue with my wife early this morning, my wife said she wanted to report mama to me, because she does not want people accusing her murder if anything happens to mama. She said that on New year's day, she caught mama gulping a whole bottle sprite. She said she open her room door unexpectedly and caught mama hands down with a bottle of sprite in her mouth. She said mama begged her not to tell me because I would quarrel with her, and that it's new year and so don't want to start the new year with quarrel. She further add that she should be allowed to indulge and enjoy herself to celebrate seeing the new year.
She later learn from my son that he secretly buys minerals for mama often. But also told them not to tell me

That's what I call emotional blackmail. If my wife had reporter and I quarrel with my wife, she will be accused of trying to cause quarrel between son and mother.
I then asked why she stopped cooking her meals separately, she explained that when she was doing that mama was not eating the meals and that she will just pick the meat or fish and scatter the food on the plate.


What am I getting at? Theonlysonofher's wife is innocent. She too must have been caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I am sure his mother had been eating salt all along. She probably had a pact with the house girl and later the wife not to tell her son of her real taste for salt. If she had not been eating salt for a long time, she would have not have been able to eat a salty meal without complaining at least. And lots of doctors have pointed out that a few days of eating regular food cannot have such a devastating health impact in such a short period of time.

And so unless an autopsy or toxicology report suggest poisoning, Theonlysonofher should go back to his wife.

tradepunter:
All those giving excuse for the wife are stupid and foolish...

I worked in a highly sensitive industry in europe for 4 years before returning to Nigeria.

My job was at certain times, run these 3 steps process...

People of God when I was on shift .. nothing like laziness or forgetfulness... I even designed an alert trigger mechanism that was going to work 2hrs prior to the time of conducting the 3 steps process.

Assuming his wife was in such job and she made a mistake and things got out of hand she will be disciplined.

The point is things that are associated with life, you take it a step higher...

The wife ought to have placed big reminders everywhere on the importance of no salt in mamas food...

She ought to have placed such reminder on the fridge, door of her room, kitchen.... It's how you know a discplined and deligent person.

Now the worst has happened

All these "turanshi" for matter you have no details of?
I can with some degree of certainly say that the wife is innocent. Many professionals have come out to state that a few days of eating regular food with regular salt cannot kill her.
If the salt was that much, the mother would not have been able to eat the food, as she is said to have been on a special saltless diet for sometime.

It's just unfortunate that she had a heart attack at a time the house girl was away. Heart attack doesn't give notice before coming. Healthy sportsmen have been known to die of heart attack while still playing on the field not to talk of an aged hypertensive woman.

eas01:
You re not a serious person. Imam will never wed them.

Why won't Imam Wed them? So imams want women to single for life because she got pregnant for her man before deciding to officially wed?

So what about men? will the Imam Wed a man that already had a child out of wedlock?

eazzzy1:
The child’s name is Abdulmalik, that was a very easy spot. I guess he was rushing to comment.

The doctrine that by certain fundamentalist Christian sect that pregnant women should be denied the joy of a married life is the most stupid sexist doctrine I have ever heard.

It's not even biblical. The bible specifically demands a man to marry a woman once he has carnal knowledge of her.
Marriage best protect mother and child. But Christian fundamentalists gleefully when men get girls pregnant and refuse to marry them.

SankaraSo:



Married in August
Child born in December


And a Pastor wedded them?

Nigerian churches are really performing miracles with women's virginity.

Why shouldn't pastor wed them? Enemy of progress. It is you that will still condemn the girl if the guy did not marry the girl but abandon both she and her baby to their fate.

Instead of being happy for the new addition to the family, you are angry they got married and celebrated a baby.
Bad belle people too plenty for Nigeria.

cedricksly:
I do not blame the wife because this was not a deliberate action.. Reason is he already said it the wife love salt, a salt quantity the wife might Consider little might be too much for the mom. Moreover the mom is not dead, the mom woke up from coma on 31st why then is he still dragging the matter.....

The last update from the OP specifically stated that the mother is dead.

Theonlysonofher:
Unfortunately my sweet mother left us

cedricksly:
saying alone u don't think you can stay with her after apologising say how stupid u are truly..... I read the topic and was disappointed, she fed your mother same food Y'all ate, wen your mom tasted the food and the salt was more than the usual, why didn't she reject it, did she spoon fed her? I'm not trying to blame your mother here, but give the poor woman(your wife) a break, u said it already, she is a salt lover, what she might consider mild salt might be too much for your mum, have you thought about that.... You are just being unnecessarily dramatic, this isn't a way to show love to your mom, it was a mistake anybody even u could make. And the doctor isn't God neither would he know for certain ur wife fed your mom more than twice, everything is based on assumption and recommendation.... I was wanting to read where u will point out how ur wife has been treating ur mother badly or maltreating her etc... Take this from a fellow brother who has a mother and he is the first son out of 3 boys.. If you drive that woman or treat her wrongly because of this incident, you will leave to regret it for the rest of ur life....

My problem with the OP is that he himself has some degree of blame. He did not monitor the diet his wife was feeding his mum for 10 days since the househelp. Was he not communicating with his wife or his mother the whole 10 days.
I am not exonorating the wife. In fact I think poisoning is a more plausible explanation that simple excessive salt. But he himself should have been more involved with his mum's diet since he is aware of how crucial it is.

As I said we can only reach conclusions after the autopsy result is done.

NOETHNICITY:
He should not allow her action define thier relationship? Even after her action directly led to the death of his mum? Na wa for una

What proof do you have that the wife's action directly led to the death of his mum? This is an old woman that suffered from diabetes, bp and high cholesterol. She could have died from high blood sugar, low blood sugar or heart attack.

We have to wait for the autopsy and toxicology result before we can conclude what killed her.

Mazterrr:
And you feel all these vices the law is against is not happening in PHC under the guise of prostitution? No wonder why we have non proactive leaders due to their so called comprehension ability. Leadership calls for proactivity. Today we are battling with Mpuru miri in the SE and high rate of drug abuse in the Northern part of this country because of non pro activeness in leadership.Currently the Edo state government is paying huge to fight against human trafficking just because past governments saw nothing wrong with prostitution. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the Governor's action if available data compelled him to do so.

You are now diverting from the matter at hand. You claim that the Nigerian criminal code specifically prohibit prostitution and that gives Wike the right to ban night clubs and prostitution. I pointed out that what the law banned was under age sex, pimping (which human trafficking is part of), brothels, drug trafficking etc and not girls standing in the streets or clubs looking for customers themselves, and you started talking off point.

inumidun2010:
Jesus SAID, IT'S FINISHED...
NOTE : It is FINISHED, present TENSE and not PAST ...
Any CHALLENGES now, I'm jumping them already... JESUS said it not MY PASTOR

How can you be successful by jumping challenges? Success is achieved by facing and overcoming challenges. The bigger the challenge you overcome the more successful you become.
But then I am talking to someone praying for miracle alert.

Originalsly:
Sorry to learn your mother passed on. From the write up... I'm having a problem with what the doctor said.... how would he know how many times your mother was served salty meals? On your part... you are saying that your mother's food was to be cooked with less salt. How about no salt period? Your wife cooks very salty meals.... have you considered that she put less than usual salt in the food?... which to her was not salty at all? ... but actually salty? It's not like your mother was on a no salt diet. And how did you figure your mother died because of salty food? With her foaming at the mouth.... is that what happens with too much salt?... or from ingesting something poisonous? I can buy your wife poisoned your mother period ... but not the explanation posted. Did you even consider she was not given her medication on time? Was she on insulin? If yes and she missed out on her medication she is likely to pass out and that can be fatal. Medical people can better explain... but you should consider what I stated and reconsider your judgment on your wife and family.

Gbam!