Siena:

@ Kemjisuper: Your scenario's are pretty realistic. But, why would a guy who "claims" to be in love with his girlfriend / wife listen to what his friends have to say about her?

If a "friend" decided to start telling me stories about my girlfriend / wife, I'd stop him right there, and tell him where to go! A good friend has NO business furnishing a mate with details of his wife!

It depends on the friends.I have childhood friends who are very dear to me and will not deliberately go out of their way to kill my marriage.If there is something that has to be said then I will rather hear it from a friend than from a stranger who will give me a biased story.The truth is,we all know our friends,so you will know who to listen to.

[center]Yes but if u want to kwon ur wife or girlfriend's past u also need to tell her ur past. It is do to me as u want me to do to you.[/center][color=#550000][/color]

Its good to know the paste, so that you know whom you are going out with.
It will make the relationship open for better understanding.

Depends on what you mean by PAST,,,,,,,, if its something that might come up in the future and affect your relationship in a bad way,, e g, health problems, things that might disturb your love or married lives,, then its ok to open up but if its a couple of guys u ve dated or some wild adventures u ve had with men,,,,, PLS,, KEEP IT TO URSELF CUZ THEY AINT IMPORTANT IN ANY WAY:::if you tell me,, i go dey wary of ur moves ,, LOL

Its good to know the paste, so that you know whom you are going out with.
It will make the relationship open for better understanding.

Not unless it affects the other partner.  In cases of medical, financial, psychological, familial, or religious matters.  Only if it is important to the growth or handicap of the relationship. Matters should only come up when asked and in the right contexts not as matters of idle gossip or pepper soup joint discussions.

Some information is relevant, and others are not.  Since most people will throw back these information to your face at the slightest provocation, you have to be careful what types of info you are willing to share with others.  Most of the time,  it is just no one's business.  Some people are just too nossy to share certain personal information with.

For example, if I was ever raped, I will never discuss that with a Nigerian guy, because they do not understand that concept and may stigmatize you for life even to their family members.  If you cannot get any support or positive response about the topic in question, do not volunteer such information to close minded people who are just to ignorant to understand such topics as a result of their religious or cultural "hang-ups". 

So choose carefully what kind of information you want others to have about you--Sometimes it is just not necessary to relate certain things to empty heads and blabber mouths.  Study your partner for at least 1 year before you get to that level.

Without mincing words, this is one of the topics I have seen nairaland users pour out their hearts on!
Cheers to you all!

Kemjisuper, you talked as if I was the one. The scenerio 2 is exactly how I'd react and how I'd want it to be.

Siena, r u being real with ur contributions or just boosting the online name? No derogatory question meant!

From what I have been able to deduce from here, there few classes;
1 Those of the opinion the lady should divulge;
2 Those of the opinion both should divulge;
3 Those of the opinion they should divulge a little;
4 Those of the opinion they should not divulge.

Those in class 1;
Is marriage a woman's thing or for both parties involved?
If the man has the right to know, then the does too!

Those in class 2;
This is what I think is right, becos it will make u know whom u r getting married to.So if by chance there should be any reason what-so-ever you hear such things outside, u can know how to defend her or at least u won't be shocked.

Those in class 3;
What is the essence of adding salt to the soup if its not enough to taste?
If u r telling, please do tell all.If u have the confidence to tell why can't u tell all? Is it not better to lose ur man and be heartbroken now and be happy afterwards or to be happy with ur man now only to lose him and be heartbroken forever?

Those in class 4;
This class believe its better to allow sleeping dog lie. But for how long? Won't the dog someday wake up? Is sleeping the same as dying? What would u do if u let sleeping dog lie and u marry ur lovely lady after 10yrs no issue and then maybe her old friend comes to the house and u overhear the friend telling ur wife to tell u the truth that her womb was destroyed in an abortion u never knew of? Or after marrying ur lovely man u hear that he had an accident that cut off his sperm duct.
All these are in the past aren't they?
So let someone tell me how they will react after letting the sleeping dog lie!

House over to u!

Siena:

@ Kemjisuper: Your scenario's are pretty realistic. But, why would a guy who "claims" to be in love with his girlfriend / wife listen to what his friends have to say about her?

If a "friend" decided to start telling me stories about my girlfriend / wife, I'd stop him right there, and tell him where to go! A good friend has NO business furnishing a mate with details of his wife!

Because they are immature gbegboruns. Nigerians are very bitter and envious people. If something good is happening to you, you'll hardly find anyone who will share that joy along with unless maybe family and even family sef, you have to beware of some of them.
These idiots dont know that most of the time alot of things other people tell them is so they can ruin your happiness. If one guy is unlucky in love and sees a good friend of his getting married, it is NOT uncommon for the other to try to trash the girl's name by saying she was an aristo or that he or "someone he knows" has slept with the person before. SXome girls do the same to their own "friends". I take most of what anyone tells me with a grain of salt, only people that wont lie to me are my parents.

Luckily in the Yoruba tradition, if you have someone you want to get into a deeper relationship with, the parents already know what to do. They know where to go and what to find out and they tell you what they gathered and it's up to you to decide whether the relationship is worth pursuing. You dont need some lame busybody amebo to tell you garbage that most likely isnt true out of sheer jealousy.

Im sorry that some of you dont have that and have to rely on "friends"  

4 me,i dnt c any thing wrong in dat,in most cases,it brings about greater understanding btw d 2 of dem

ikris:

Without mincing words, this is one of the topics I have seen nairaland users pour out their hearts on!
Cheers to you all!

Kemjisuper, you talked as if I was the one. The scenerio 2 is exactly how I'd react and how I'd want it to be.

Siena, r u being real with your contributions or just boosting the online name? No derogatory question meant!

From what I have been able to deduce from here, there few classes;
1 Those of the opinion the lady should divulge;
2 Those of the opinion both should divulge;
3 Those of the opinion they should divulge a little;
4 Those of the opinion they should not divulge.

Those in class 1;
Is marriage a woman's thing or for both parties involved?
If the man has the right to know, then the does too!

Those in class 2;
This is what I think is right, because it will make u know whom you're getting married to.So if by chance there should be any reason what-so-ever you hear such things outside, u can know how to defend her or at least u won't be shocked.

Those in class 3;
What is the essence of adding salt to the soup if its not enough to taste?
If you're telling, please do tell all.If u have the confidence to tell why can't u tell all? Is it not better to lose your man and be heartbroken now and be happy afterwards or to be happy with your man now only to lose him and be heartbroken forever?

Those in class 4;
This class believe its better to allow sleeping dog lie. But for how long? Won't the dog someday wake up? Is sleeping the same as dying? What would u do if u let sleeping dog lie and u marry your lovely lady after 10yrs no issue and then maybe her old friend comes to the house and u overhear the friend telling your wife to tell u the truth that her womb was destroyed in an abortion u never knew of? Or after marrying your lovely man u hear that he had an accident that cut off his sperm duct.
All these are in the past aren't they?
So let someone tell me how they will react after letting the sleeping dog lie!

House over to u!

You do not have the right to know nothing if it does not have anything to do with your relationship.  You have a past and I have a past.  All na useless information. Can we please get on with the present and the future?  That concerns me most, not some games from some shitty past. Everyone should have the chance to "GROW UP"!  Hinging on the past is not one of the things I am interested in.  Unless you have a disease, are violent, a thief, kolomental or just a layabout.  As for how many partners you have slept with, I am not interested since the reason you are with me is that they all sucked!  So let's move on!

For those who like to listen to gossips about their partners, all I can say is goodluck.  You must be very jobless or just plainly a rumour monger yourself.  If you paid more attention, you would have studied your partner to know what he or she does and not rely on "jobless outsiders" to tell you what you already should know. It just shows you are not very bright! Really, the joke is on you!!!!

@ ikris: Boosting the online name? The so called "online name" happens to be my real name. What are you getting at?

Please, make yourself clear. My opinions are pretty explicit.

ikris:


Siena, r u being real with your contributions or just boosting the online name? No derogatory question meant!

and what exactly is wrong with Siena's comments?

Siena,
Sorry if u didnt get what I meant. U make it seem as if its a very easy thing to close ur ears when people talk. U might not mean to eavesdrop but u hear other people's talks.

almondjoy,
If u did read what I wrote, u would have answered the questions in the case of letting go of the past or not telling.
What is communication in marriage then?

Why are people here narrowing the past to just sexual escapades? Is it that I didnt understand the poster or that past means only sexual games?

D-reloaded,
There's nothing wrong with Siena's comments please ok?
T

ikris:

Siena,
Sorry if u didnt get what I meant. You make it seem as if its a very easy thing to close your ears when people talk. You might not mean to eavesdrop but u hear other people's talks.

almondjoy,
If u did read what I wrote, u would have answered the questions in the case of letting go of the past or not telling.
What is communication in marriage then?

Why are people here narrowing the past to just sexual escapades? Is it that I didnt understand the poster or that past means only sexual games?

D-reloaded,
There's nothing wrong with Siena's comments please ok?

Communication in marriage is about the present and the future, not the past--unless it is a hinderance to your present relationship.  People talk too much and instead of concentrating on what is important in a relationship, they worry most about the past they cannot do anything about.  How does that help you if not for idle gossip?  My life is not that boring that I need to know what happened in the past. 

Discuss only that which is relevant to your relationship, PERIOD!  Definitely not EVERYTHING!!!!

The only thing most people want to know about your past is your sexual history believe it or not. If I told them I was a CEO of UNICEF, they would not even blink. But tell them I slept with 500 men, I would definitely get their attention. Those are the kinds of things people with simple minds are interested in. That is just the way the typical Nigerian mind works. All about trivialities and gossip.

almondjoy:



The only thing most people want to know about your past is your sexual history believe it or not. If I told them I was a CEO of UNICEF, they would not even blink. But tell them I slept with 500 men, I would definitely get their attention. Those are the kinds of things people with simple minds are interested in. That is just the way the typical Nigerian mind works. All about trivialities and gossip.

quite some truth here.

I've got a past an ma gurl also gat a past. but she made me know, because she wanted a free and fair relationship. i also told her my past, though it looked like it would hurt but sincerely it did more good than harm. i feel secured and also less suspicious when she get calls and when we are on outings. because i know who and what it involves, just because she told me.

Its actually not a bad idea to disclose your past to someone you trust and love, except its a fling then you do shut up! He better believes you if you are open, than suspecting you re secretive. which ever way u feel ur guy or gurl understands please do apply it.

almondjoy:


You do not have the right to know nothing if it does not have anything to do with your relationship.  You have a past and I have a past.  All na useless information. Can we please get on with the present and the future?  That concerns me most, not some games from some shitty past. Everyone should have the chance to "GROW UP"!  Hinging on the past is not one of the things I am interested in.  Unless you have a disease, are violent, a thief, kolomental or just a layabout.  As for how many partners you have slept with, I am not interested since the reason you are with me is that they all sucked! So let's move on!
For those who like to listen to gossips about their partners, all I can say is goodluck.  You must be very jobless or just plainly a rumour monger yourself.  If you paid more attention, you would have studied your partner to know what he or she does and not rely on "jobless outsiders" to tell you what you already should know. It just shows you are not very bright! Really, the joke is on you!!!!

Would you not also think that you could end up like them, cos the person you are with is still the the same, and the only variant is you

D-RELOADED THERE WAS NO NEED TO INSULT ME.LET'S TRY TO BE MATURE ABOUT THIS.AFTERALL WE ARE ALL ENTITLED TO OUR OWN OPINIONS.

Anyway,the bottom line here is that it is good to know about your partner's past.This is So you have a better understanding of the person you are dealing with.I think that both parties should be open and honest about their past,and the other should accept them with it-or leave the relationship if they feel it is too much for them to handle.I guess that it is because of the fear of the latter option that alot of females might not want to be completely honest alot of the time.As it can clearly be a turn-off if your past is too "reckless".

I personally wouldn't want a girl who has been known to sleep around in the past.It's just embarassing and as a man there would be no self esteem or pride in going round with such a female when everyone knows that she's a LovePeddler.It's crazy when u find out that a couple of guys you know have slept with your girl.That would be a major problem for me.So it's best for your partner to come clean,so that (as i said before) you can decide whether u can cope wit it!

So for these reasons i would definitely wanna know about a girl's past.

under my criteria,it is only acceptable if a girl has slept wit past boyfriends-and even then i don't expect that there should have been too many of them.for me,at the age of 21,i dont want ne girl that has had more than 3 partners.

Where a girl has bin known to sleep wit guys that she is not in a relationship wit, well we cud play around, but she shudnt expect nething serious to result between us.

mue2:

D-RELOADED THERE WAS NO NEED TO INSULT ME.LET'S TRY TO BE MATURE ABOUT THIS.AFTERALL WE ARE ALL ENTITLED TO OUR OWN OPINIONS.

Anyway,the bottom line here is that it is good to know about your partner's past.This is So you have a better understanding of the person you are dealing with.I think that both parties should be open and honest about their past,and the other should accept them with it-or leave the relationship if they feel it is too much for them to handle.I guess that it is because of the fear of the latter option that alot of females might not want to be completely honest alot of the time.As it can clearly be a turn-off if your past is too "reckless".

I personally wouldn't want a girl who has been known to sleep around in the past.It's just embarassing and as a man there would be no self esteem or pride in going round with such a female when everyone knows that she's a LovePeddler.It's crazy when u find out that a couple of guys you know have slept with your girl.That would be a major problem for me.So it's best for your partner to come clean,so that (as i said before) you can decide whether u can cope wit it!

So for these reasons i would definitely want to know about a girl's past.

under my criteria,it is only acceptable if a girl has slept wit past boyfriends-and even then i don't expect that there should have been too many of them.for me,at the age of 21,i don't want ne girl that has had more than 3 partners.

Where a girl has bin known to sleep wit guys that she is not in a relationship wit, well we cud play around, but she shudnt expect nething serious to result between us.

Accurate! Spoke like a true son shon of the soil shoil!

Even though it's very difficult to marry a virgin (mileage < 50 miles) these days, Naija men don't want to settle for high mileage (> 150,000 miles)

mue2:


Anyway,the bottom line here is that it is good to know about your partner's past.This is So you have a better understanding of the person you are dealing with.I think that both parties should be open and honest about their past,and the other should accept them with it-or leave the relationship if they feel it is too much for them to handle.

I would agree with this if your Arab mentality wasnt just implying that such can only work for guys looking for a girl and not vice versa as well. Dont have time for sexist pigs. Thanks and ciao.

RichyBlacK:

Accurate! Spoke like a true son shon of the soil shoil!

Even though it's very difficult to marry a virgin (mileage < 50 miles) these days, Naija men don't want to settle for high mileage (> 150,000 miles)

If u are , yourself  a vigirn, I beleive it will be possible for you to get a virgin by God's provisional love. With God all things are possible. I beleive there are millions of virgins in naija with other excellent behavioural qualities. But when people are so used to one aspect of life, they will think that the other aspect does not exist.

Mean while what is this less than and greater than mileage abi na miles  there is nothing I would not hear. E`-wo` 

Honesty is the best policy in any relationship and should its bedrock, there shouldn't be any deception or plan to deceive any party.

Haven said that, it's crucial that you evaluate the information from the past which  you intend to share with your spouse and the amount of detail you give especially if isn't a pleasant experience. Men handle things differently from women. Guys tend to paint pictures in the mind from information, so be careful with the amount of detail you give iwhensharing you sexual encounters. He may never be able to get rid of those thoughts and sscenesfrom his mind.

Timing is of utmost importance especially when speaking to the man. You woman needs to know when and how to communicate things. This would determine whether it would be world war III or cloud 9 after that discussion.

The woman/man must earn the trust of his the other party to freely expose events of the past. As defined Intimacy is 'into-me-see To be intimate with each other you need to know each other and not be ashamed. It requires wisdom and the truth must be told in love at the right time.

Find out how to keep the love aflame from a husband's perspective here    http://www.peleodiase.com/blog/love-in-marriage

@ mue2

[/quote]_{quite frankly,the sexual behaviour and tendencies of men and women are not measured by the same yard stick. As i said earlier,society expects women to be on a higher moral ground.it aint fair but that is just how it is.So you can't say the same about guys.A guys past is not as important as a girl's past.I'm not being biased,it's just the truth.This is how society has made things[/color]}.

Who told you they are not measured the same? You are daaaaamed lucky! meet a reserved girl/lady that knows her worth and boast about how a man’s reckless life does not matter, and you will be jilted to your face with no soft words.

In your own diary, a woman should live a clean life whereas the man should live a reckless life and afterwards the man will want a woman with a clean life.

Don’t worry you can live your life the way you want but God will give you what you deserve.

_{[color=#990000]To further prove this point,i have alot of female friends,we talk alot about such issues and they generally don't care about  the nature of their guy's past.They don't care about how many girls he has slept with etc}.

Not in this generation! You are dreaming! Cos your so called female friends do not care you think other women do not care. ‘Wonder the kind of female friends you have even.

_{the truth is society expects higher moral standards from women so u can't quite use this assessment on men, because it doesn't make sense. that's why a dude can sleep around and get away wit it, but once a girl does it,she is labeled a LovePeddler.}it aint fare but that's how it is!

It is not fair yet you accept it.

_{If you're lookin' for a virgin,that is virtually impossible these days.}[quote]

In the same ocean one can fish a healthy fish while the other can only fish a sick fish. The one that gets a sick fish thinks that the whole ocean is full of sick fish.

Of course, God will give every body what he or she deserves. How can it be that easy for any man that lives a reckless life shamelessly to get a virgin? ( [b]^{The more shameless-reckless a man becomes let his portion be equivalent} high mileage { >figures of miles } ) God will for sure make it impossible for him to get a reserved girl unless he realizes that he has lived a shameful life. [/b]

@pauloman

[/quote] @ revive
i think you are very correct about having a clean past and all that. [quote]

Thanks jare.
Living a good life is the best solution. You simply become good before God and man as well as have your peace of mind.

Distinction should of necessity be made between having a failed relationship and promiscuity. There is nothing wrong with a woman sharing the experience of a failed relationship but where a woman is proving to be promiscous, I am sorry that will be crossing the line. Nobody want to have a LovePeddler for a wife. The same thing applies to a man. A man that sleep around with everything in skirt is not only irresponsible, he is also a health risk. I think the rule applies to both man and woman. Remember AIDS IS REAL

meet a reserved girl/lady that knows her worth and boast about how a man’s reckless life does not matter, and you will be jilted to your face with no soft words.

Exactly. All these delusional dorks sha. Alot of Nigerian guys reason like bloody arabs

Yes.
They should know of each others past.

Personally , I must admit that some of our past must be very hurting but the fact is that we all have one.

Sharing our past will no doubt go a long way in understanding each other the better.Otherwise , it can cause more than we bargain.

Trouble sleep yanga wan go wake am,abeg leave the past for the past jo and enjoy the present and if possible the future.

D-reloaded:

Exactly. All these delusional dorks sha. Alot of Nigerian guys reason like bloody arabs

And how do you reason if I may ask? Like bloody Arabic Hen?[/color][color=#990000][color=#990000][/color]