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Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? - Romance - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Romance / Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? (28888 Views)

Poll: Is it advisable for a woman to share her past with her man?

Yes - honesty is beneficial: 63% (101 votes)
No - most men can't handle it: 36% (57 votes)
This poll has ended

10 Signs That Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend Is About To Dump You. / Your Duty As Someone's Boyfriend Or Girlfriend? / Worst Thing Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend Has Ever Done? (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by swoosh(m): 9:47am On Dec 18, 2007
How do men feel when they know the woman they are marrying has a dirty past?

Is it ok for a lady to tell her man graphic details of her past? Should a man try to know?

Twice I have had had women tell me their pasts (out of love I guess) and it wasn't
easy living with it. Is it just me or do men generally feel same?
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by chika98: 9:50am On Dec 18, 2007
It is good to have thing out in the open. Makes for a better relationship
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by blueband(m): 10:58am On Dec 18, 2007
Women think differently from men.If a man tells a woman about his past,she feels the urge to hold him closer and guard him closely.
As for men,what is going on in their mind is if she is capable of doing the same to him.
It's a tough call,best not to tell him anything.If he hears from outside and asks you,then tell him the truth.If he cannot handle it,then too bad.By the way what a woman does in her past life prior to meeting you is not admissible in the court of love.The circumstances could have been different and even though it might reflect on her behaviour it does not mean she will do the same with you.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by jkpretty(f): 11:19am On Dec 18, 2007
What u don't know won't hurt u. Its ok if your partner tells u out of love or excess gist. But don't go digging. Let what is past remain in the past.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by honeycomb(f): 11:22am On Dec 18, 2007
basically its good to be open, but to an extent. its better he hears it from u, than elsewhere. but on the other hand u dont have to go into all the explicit details. plan and simpy. thats my opinion
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by Siena(m): 11:24am On Dec 18, 2007
swoosh:

How do men feel when they know the woman they are marrying has a dirty past?

Is it ok for a lady to tell her man graphic details of her past? Should a man try to know?

Twice I have had had women tell me their pasts (out of love I guess) and it wasn't
easy living with it. Is it just me or do men generally feel same?

What you need to ask yourself is:

Do YOU have a past?
Have YOU told your girlfriends about YOUR past?
Do revelations of past relationships have any bearing on the here and now?
Do you feel you're oblighed to know about your girlfriend's past? And why?
Do revelations of past relationships only apply to ladies? If yes, why?

The answer to your question lies in your reply to the above.

As far as I'm concerned, the past should remain firmly in the past, I don't honestly see why I should expect my girlfriend to reveal her past to me, unless I'm prepared to do the same. From the sounds of things, you seem to have problems dealing with the fact you weren't the first man in your girlfriends life, unless you're on the hunt for a virgin?

Are you a virgin yourself?
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by saucekid(m): 11:31am On Dec 18, 2007
it is necessary. . . . . . . . .

so,the man will have a better understanding of who he is moving out with/marrying
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by koolsasy(f): 11:41am On Dec 18, 2007
blueband:

Women think differently from men.If a man tells a woman about his past,she feels the urge to hold him closer and guard him closely.
As for men,what is going on in their mind is if she is capable of doing the same to him.
It's a tough call,best not to tell him anything.If he hears from outside and asks you,then tell him the truth.If he cannot handle it,then too bad.By the way what a woman does in her past life prior to meeting you is not admissible in the court of love.The circumstances could have been different and even though it might reflect on her behaviour it does not mean she will do the same with you.

i soo agree with blue band, its okay to hint about ur past,afterall,evrybody has a dirty cloth or two in their closet, but sometins re better not said
in other words,talk sha but not evrytin. grin grin grin grin grin
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by Siena(m): 11:47am On Dec 18, 2007
saucekid:

it is necessary. . . . . . . . .

so,the man will have a better understanding of who he is moving out with/marrying


Hmm, but if that's the case, how about the man telling his girlfriend about his past, so the girl would have a better understanding of who she's moving out with / marrying? Or, is it purely one sided?
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by oziomatv(m): 11:48am On Dec 18, 2007
It's good to know your partners past and everything for those who have a civillized mind, even an urgly past, cause when it comes up suddenly one will say "so you been hidden all these thing to me"
  there is no deal.
 I know my partner's ex we even goes to restaurant together talk men's issue not  her's. just being civillized.  I discuss my expirience with my ex but not intimate part, that's where problem comes out if you avoid that there is nothing wrong in knowing your partners ex and past. we are made to have past.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by swoosh(m): 11:49am On Dec 18, 2007
Siena:

From the sounds of things, you seem to have problems dealing with the fact you weren't the first man in your girlfriends life, unless you're on the hunt for a virgin?

Are you a virgin yourself?

Your reasoning impresses me cos ur quite close 2d truth ( r u a psychologist?)
well 2 answer your questionssad1) i'm not on the hunt for a virgin  (but i guess it wudnt have been bad 2 have one) and (2) im not a virgin. I love my present babe - we've been dating for a year and I dont have any intentions of leaving her. I just have those thots coming 2 my mind now and then.  My worry is if those pasts will continue 2 torment me even after we are married ( I need married men here who have similar experineces 2 say something please)

If this is normal or will go with time then im good , else maybe i need 2 see a psychologist?
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by ndumart: 11:53am On Dec 18, 2007
Its necessary he knows at the beginning of the relationship as it won't be good if he finds out later particularly outsiders.

No matter how dirty a girls past may be, there will be a man to luv her for who she is.

2 Likes

Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by sylvex(f): 11:55am On Dec 18, 2007
it all depends on the lady, some would divulge into it and others wont cos of a sordid past. Personally i believe a man has the rite to know abt his wife/girl's past cuz it wont be funny if he gets to find it out from someone/somewhere else
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by eudio(f): 12:01pm On Dec 18, 2007
why on earth would u want to dig into ur girlfriend's past?

if she wants to tell u, fine,but shouldn't be forced to disclose her past.

why dont u let the past be history? it is better that way.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by saucekid(m): 12:02pm On Dec 18, 2007
@ siena,

it is not one sided. . . . . .if i was the subject of discussion,i let anyone i intend moving out with to know my past so the person can have a clear understanding of my future.
i dont believe in hiding things that i know will eventually come out.so,much as i am open to the lady in question,i expect that honesty reciprocated and if it isnt,then the level of trust i alloted her is lost

its a simple principle
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by Siena(m): 12:03pm On Dec 18, 2007
sylvex:

it all depends on the lady, some would divulge into it and others wont because of a sordid past. Personally i believe a man has the rite to know about his wife/girl's past because it wont be funny if he gets to find it out from someone/somewhere else

It's not a right for a man to know about his wife's / girlfriend's past, it's a priviledge. If a girl feels loved, secure and valued by her man, she'll tell him, without any prompting from him. And, if the man's worth his weight in gold, he wouldn't judge her based on her past.

Besides, a decent man has no business listening to what others have to say about his wife / girlfriend.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by Grouppoint(m): 12:04pm On Dec 18, 2007
It really depends on the kind of man that you are.
If you the strong minded type who can handle details of how she slept with the entire social club, then good for you.

But if you know that after hearing such detail, you may become very paranoid, thne you better steer clear.

I reckon a healthy balance (that's for those few who are healthy and balanced), is to simply get the headlines; e.g. I had 3 boyfriends while in Uni. I got disvirgined at 16, and I once cheated.

Afterall, you dont want to keep bumping into her many ex-boyfirends, when all the while you hoped she had only ever had one ex-boyfriend.
Dont go further, cos you wont like what you hear.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by sweetlizzy(f): 12:06pm On Dec 18, 2007
Julia Mcnamara (nip/tuck) tried hiding the past from her husband and it ruin her family. It is better u let ur pattern know about ur past than allowing him/her to dig it out or find out else were.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by GucciBabe(f): 12:08pm On Dec 18, 2007
dont get u.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by jintujinta(m): 12:25pm On Dec 18, 2007
I dont think this is a difficult thing to do. it is very simple. If two people are free with each other and they like each other, they will discuss freely. Both men and women should discuss their past, no matter how bad. If you do this when the relationship is fresh, your partner will either take you or leave you. One doesnt have to be desperate about relationship. The secret you hide today may be your ruin tomorrow. It is more painful when you hear it from outsiders. It may come in form of a ridicule, exaggeration or simple sympathy for you and you will really feel bad. This goes for both parties.

It happened to me at the initial stage of my relationship. She told me some things that made me cry. I cried, she cried and we forgot about it. We never mentioned it again because we already purged ourselves of the emotion. It was wonderful to know that she once loved someone more than me but also good to realise that she now loves me.

Dont keep anything away from each other. What will be will be. If you will end up marrying, you will but if not, the secret will still come out before your wedding or midway into your marriage and it will be worse then. Transparency is the word.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by twinstaiye(m): 12:33pm On Dec 18, 2007
This topic make me remember a nollywood movie in the past. She is a prostitute, but this guy was hell bent in marrying her. When his junior bro came back from abroad and still tell him that the girl is no good, he still maintain that he would marry her. However, the bubble burst when the bro revealed that, the girl not only was a prostitute, but that she also do it with a white man dog while back in school then. That was too much for the lover boy, even though the girl hide that bit about her past from the guy.

As far as I am concerned, it all depends on the type of a person you are dealing with. Some people can handle truth, while other cant. I for one will like to know my partners past especially the dirty ones, and take her for what she is rather than some old fool coming in between us in future with such information. At least with this, I can make up my mind on who my partner was, and plan my life ahead.
Having said this, keeping it as it was is also good for some people too, especially where such person cannot handle the truth. From experience though, while still very young and before my first marriage, I always find it very difficult to handle the past of my girlfriend, and this is so because i was still young and go out with my age mate, who like myself are also still young and had not had a bad past in both sexual or romance life. But as I continue to grow old, i realise that, there is nothing wrong in anyone having a past.
I know of a close friend whose young marriage is facing difficult times because one of the couple cannot handle the past of the other. The one complaining is even the one that voluntarily reveal the sex escapades of oyibo in the past life to the other couple.
My advice is, study your partner, if you know he/she can handle the truth of your past, then deal with the issue of whether to reveal your past or not.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by noymoth(f): 12:45pm On Dec 18, 2007
just leave things be. u may pretend it doesn't matter but believe me it may define ur relationship and cos loopholes
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by tome1: 12:50pm On Dec 18, 2007
if your man demands to know then u can tell him.but the fact remains that not everyone can handle the truth and no one is a saint either.You can decide to blame everyone but can u really stand up to tell ur spouse all.Some truth are better in the past at least to avoid heartbreak. smiley
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by ndumart: 1:01pm On Dec 18, 2007
its better a man knows his wife's past cos not all men can stand theshock of listening to her past especially when its bad.Its a small world and anything can happen so to be on a safe side the man should know about it.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by Revive(f): 1:52pm On Dec 18, 2007
You see that is why it is best to try and live a good life in the first place, so you will have no dirty past to tell. wink

But for partners who have dirty past, both of them should tell each other their past. I would rather hear it from my partner right from the beginning than hear it from an outside. embarassed
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by tenhap(m): 2:09pm On Dec 18, 2007
We must admit the truth that it is harder for men to come to terms with their partners' past, though there are exceptions.
When you are not the first in your girl's life, you may want to know the details just to get to know her better. If she had a not-so-impressive kind of past, you may perceive your relationship being threatened.
When you are the girl's first, the matter is even worse. If for instance you two get married, you may find yourself worrying about who else she may have been with after you. Trust me bro, this is an experience you may not want, !
At times you really feel like you are gonna die when you learn something!
Honestly, marriage, relationships etc are damn complex!
You need 2 things:
1) Maturity
2) God's grace!!
Finally, what you do not know does not hurt/haunt you!!!!
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by stag: 2:41pm On Dec 18, 2007
talking is cheap. but you will pay! so just shut ur mouth. if and whenever he/she finds out, hands up and tell the bitter truth. some pasts are not so easy to rush-n-tell.you tell now and things are fine now dont mean u've seen and heard the last of ur past and that you are now clean and clear.beware sometime near it may be used against u- believe me its gonn' be so painful.when you do not talk dont mean u have lied
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by lailai2(m): 2:43pm On Dec 18, 2007
if he cannot understnd ur past, how can he be the one 4 u.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by Busta(f): 3:17pm On Dec 18, 2007
I believe wateva happened in the past should remain in the past.
wat he doesn't know won't hurt him.

live the present now and enjoy it while it lasts.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by adeboo(f): 3:22pm On Dec 18, 2007
I dont think so.
Personally, i dont believe there isnt any one that doesnt have a past - men and women.
I have mine, while am learning from them, i cannot justify them and i shouldnt be judged by it.

There are some men that cant handle it - i ave had male friends tell me not to tell any guy am with any thing about ma past unless the essentials that they need to know.

I tell things about ma past relationships that have physical evidence that e.g maybe a child, a wedding etc.
Nothing else for sure.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by otokx(m): 3:27pm On Dec 18, 2007
This is quite revealing.
Re: Should A Man Know His Wife Or Girlfriend's Past? by uspry1(f): 3:34pm On Dec 18, 2007
Only a man need to know about his wife/girlfriend's past unless there is something physical evidences such as a wedlock child, marital status, health (STD, HIV, AIDS, sexual abuse) and dynfunctional family in the preparation of understanding this circumstances better better than hidden the past a man may not know of.

Do not trust anyone's rumors, negativity, paint his wife/girlfriend black, or accusation! Only between a man and wife/girlfriend.

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