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African Nerd - Literature (15) - Nairaland

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Mosquito Palaver (legend Of The Nerd) (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: African Nerd by Xsolutions: 2:41pm On Dec 26, 2012
RedMoss,pls do not shorting ur story AT ALL;supposing dis was a full novel n ko!If anybody feels its getting too long they can LEAVE THE THREAD.
And pls do not derail from the way the original story is in ur head,unless u see a suggestion u really like MAINTAIN UR ORIGINALITY,don't dilute dis thing.
I'd admonish evreyone to just enjoy dis unique master piece instead of trying to make the writer end it the way u want.
It's his work,let Red Mos entertain us the way he deems fit...of course taking really meaningful thoughts into consideration.
Thank u RedMosquito(like to know ur real name though) for dis revelling masterpiece,thanks for making my Christmas even more interesting.
Happy new year in advance to u and ur family.
Besides...do u know of any Cassandra Ebele at Medilag,i think she's a phamarcy student?
Thanks.

3 Likes

Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 2:43pm On Dec 26, 2012
This update is like ten in one grin grin grin
****************************************
Today is saturday. Its been a day since I've been back from the underworld, and it does feel good to escape the grip of Hades.
I feel watched, as I lay in my bed I feel eyes crawl up my skin. Nah! Its probably nothing.
And then I begin to analyse last nights' dream, for it is still fresh in my memory. What was the dream all about sef? Hehen! I dreamt I went to US and was deported, twice. Chai! Deport me twice?! Crazy people! Them no sabi my market value.

I still remember how it all began, how travails with the underworld has become a part of my life. I still remember the first time of the phone call, and Jargons and the Herculine, the beautiful form of Medusa. And I know, I know that soon they shall call upon me again. I must still go to the one called Jonathan. They are watching me, for they do not trust me again.

RUSKLE!!
RUSKLE!!!

I hear the rustling of the plantain tree in the backyard, just behind my window.
I run to the window to investigate.
Unsuprised, I meet the usual intruders, two black and red monkeys feeding on the unripe bundles of plantains.
If it was my mother that saw them, she would have been shouting "Die by the Blood of Jesus" by now. But wetin consign me? Abegi! Make monkey chop belleful jare!
The day rolls by, boring as hell. No Minions, no devils, no deamons. Just a normal boring day. And I am surprised and scared, for the calm ia always before the storm.
In the evening, after a meal of Apwu, the usual type, you know the one that bounces off walls when thrown, and Ofe Akwu, banga soup. I have always wondered why my family eats such heavy food at night. Only God knows the kain work dem dey do for midnight? Well na dem sabi!
After the meal, as I rush to my room to crash, my mother calls after me.
"Ayomide! There will be vigil here this night oooo!! Wake up by 12 !"
What?! Vigil?! When was it fixed? Who started it? So many angry questions rush my mind. But I no fit shout, I don taya. Apwu don heavy for belle.
I just mummur to myself
"Make anybody come wake me up, Na Amadioha and Sango go kill am" , I say to myself, quietly of course. Make my mama no catch me.
As I drop to the bed, sleep ravages me, swiftly it came, as if it was on a private jet.
I have a dream again, as usual
I see myself before Hades, a thunderbolt in his hands.
I stand to challenge him.
"Hades! You have no right to such a waepon, it is mine!", I say
"Yours?!", Hades snares, "Here! Have it!", he adds, and then he points the thunderbolt at me, a bolt of lightning falsh towards me.
YEPAAA!!
I shudder as I feel electrons flow into my body. I tremble as I burst into flames, I am paralysed by the current. I am being electrocuted.
"Wake Up!"
TAP!! TAPTAPTAP!!
I feel the sting against my leg, sharp and painful.
"Wake Up Na!!"
I quickly jump awake to see my sister.
"Vigil has begun ooo", she says before walking out.
I sit there on the bed, trembling and nodding, I run my hands over my skin, no burns, no pain.
Damn! That felt so damn real!
I wear a top and shorts, grumbling to myself the whole while.
I mean, who the Hell came up with the idea of night vigil. Who?! Show me his house let me gun him down!
I trudge to the sitting room where a small crowd a small congregation has gathered.
I do not relax my already squeezed face, I want everybody to know how mad I am.
And then the night leader or night pastor or whatever he is, speaks. He is a chubby, 5 foot 6 policeman.
"Today we have come to praise Jesus! Halaluya!!"
Today?! Shouldnt it be tonight?! Halaluya?! Shouldnt it be Halleluyah?!
"Okay now let us rise and worship, we can be here for one hour, two hours, even three hours, as the spirit carry us", he adds
Muahahahahaha!! I laugh out, to myself in my mind, of course. Three hours, two hours, hehehehehe! These guys dey dream oooo! Thank God I know where my popsi kept the gun.
And then we begin the rigorous praise and worship session.The women begin to dance everyhwere as if they are dancing for price, these Edo people get power ooo! Even for midnight, even us wey chop Apwu no dance reach them. The women then shift the song from the conventional english songs and they begin to sing in their strange tongues.
Me I just dey look like monkey. We no fit sing, we no fit clap for the song sef.
All we were hearing was
Mpele Mpele! Eyime! Rebete iso! and stuff like that
I was like WTF! Cant you women at least shift the song to our side?! They were just dancing to the mysterious song, it was more like a chant sef.
THe leader begins to shout as they clap on.
"Everybody oya dance! God have been good for us. He have gave us life. Can us not dance for him?", he says, this time he is speaking to me , he is looking striaght at my unsmiling face. Me self bone for am, Him dey mad. Wetin consign he-goat and Aluminium roof, he better face front.
"Nobody question me! Is Holy Spirit that is leading me!", he adds, in a bid to convince me of his supernatural powers
Holy spirit sho!
I just shift my face away from him and then the prayer sessions begin.
The leader shouts again once more, he is just a sound pollutant.
"My brothers", he begins
There are only about four males here, and more than ten females and yet he generalises everybody as brothers
"My brothers", he repeats, "In my office, a case was reported. A man stole five hundred naira and he run away. They have give me the case, his name is Samuel Osigo. I want us to pray that anyhwere he is, let fire burn him to me", he says, "Oya let us pray"
At first everybody begins to pray quietly and sluggishly. The man, on hearing the lack-luster chants, decides to step up his game.
Lazy man! Fire should just push the man to his sitting room abi?!
"It is like we have not sabi what I am talking. In my village..."
Oya time for story! This man has very senseless stories.
"In my village....a man put stick in the floor and he say that if anybody serve a God let him remove it... what am I saying?", he asks us, retorically
I was like, You are asking me what are you saying? Wetin consign me? I dont even know the half the poo of what you just said. And I can still see many people nodding their heads as if the spoken rubbish contains unquantifiable wisdom.
"Brothers let us pray. And let us shout his name to God"
The next thing I know, the whole place is filled with chants of his name
SAMUEL OSIGO!!
SAMUEL OSIGO!!!
SAMUEL OSIGOOOO!!
FIRE BURN! FIRE BUUUUURRRNNNNN!!!!!!
I was like what the hell?! Are these dudes serious?! What will our neighbours think if they ear us like this?
I just close my eyes and sleep, while still on my feet. Abegi! I no get time for this kain hala hala.
And then the next time I wake up, it is already two hours past, we are almost upon closing time.
I am fortunate to witness the last jargons that fell from his mouth.
"People! A woman came to our office. She say she born girl five times. ANd when I pray for her I say she will born boy by this time come next year...."
When I hear this, I first look around, what made u so sure she will born girl? You be winch? Abi u wan work am by yourself?
"I want us to pray that my prayer will not fail". he adds
Oh!! Oh!!! So you don promise finish, u now want us to sweat on your behalf. Na me send you?
This time a woman asks
"What is her name?"
"Her name is Madam Joke Akingbin", was the reply
The woman who asked the quesion, then begins to jump up and shout
JOOOOOKE AKIIIINGBIIIIN
ANYWHERE WEY YOU DEY
BOOOORN!!! BOOORN!!! BOOOOORN!!!!!
OYA BRING BOY!!!
BRING BOY!!!!
BY FAYA BA FORCE!!!!!!
I was like shhhhh!! We have neighbours! Really nosy neighbours! One of them might know the lady in question and then they will say we are usng the woman for juju.
Before I know it everybody joins the madness, except me and my siblings. Sleep don carry my siblings go, me I dey conserve power.
JOKE AKINGBIN
BOOOORRRRRRNNNNNN!!!
OYA BORNNNNN!!!
BRIIIING BOYY!!!!
Haaa! Welcome to my life.
And tomorrow is Sunday sef! Only God knows what that wan will bring?!

2 Likes

Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 2:48pm On Dec 26, 2012
Xsolutions: RedMoss,pls do not shorting ur story AT ALL;supposing dis was a full novel n ko!If anybody feels its getting too long they can LEAVE THE THREAD.
...........................
Besides...do u know of any Cassandra Ebele at Medilag,i think she's a phamarcy student?
Thanks.
Haa! My bros! U dey vex ooo!! grin grin grin grin grin
Thank you for ur support ooo!!
The story is not really long, it is the short updates and long breaks that make it appear so, as olenyi and warlord said.
I am working on that! See the long one I posted now!
I am not taking all the ideas, but some are making sense. So I will follow you on that one, too many foreign ideas can dilute the end grin grin grin
Abeg guys no vex! sad Xsolutions thank you once again! grin grin
And ermm I dont know her ooo!! The Cassandra babe, I will soon resume sha! By January, so maybe I'll investigate. Is the babe fine? grin grin grin

1 Like

Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 2:55pm On Dec 26, 2012
**removes cap and prostrates***
Thank you all for the comments oooo!! Keep them coming guys! grin grin grin
Re: African Nerd by larride(m): 2:56pm On Dec 26, 2012
This is wow.....african nerd..... U too much broda
Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 2:58pm On Dec 26, 2012
larride: This is wow.....african nerd..... U too much broda
I was afraid you guys wanted only mythology. Thank you vely much
Re: African Nerd by caesaraba(m): 3:03pm On Dec 26, 2012
Redmoss, pls make hardcopies ooo....I wanna buy o
Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 3:07pm On Dec 26, 2012
caesaraba: Redmoss, pls make hardcopies ooo....I wanna buy o
Can u send 2000 dollars to my account? tongue grin grin grin grin grin
Re: African Nerd by Oluwafunmilayo95(f): 3:42pm On Dec 26, 2012
grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin


*no blame me..na so d tin hook me for mouth *

1 Like

Re: African Nerd by Warlord3000(m): 3:48pm On Dec 26, 2012
No comment.... smiley

Hmmmm.... Am I impressed..*thinking*

=))=D ♒ђåª•ђåª•ђåª♒=D =)) ...

ƪ☺‎​ƪ _________________
|/ |
| =))
| / |\
| 
| / \
|
_ _|___ laff don hang Me 4here o

Now that was so funky classic man...

MORE.. MORE.. MORE smiley

1 Like

Re: African Nerd by Oluwafunmilayo95(f): 3:55pm On Dec 26, 2012
Viewing this topic: Nonso Chris ,
Redmosquito (m), Ryabcool ( m) and

I see u ohh...abi u wan upload another episode? tongue
Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 3:59pm On Dec 26, 2012
Oluwafunmilayo95:
Viewing this topic: Nonso Chris ,
Redmosquito (m), Ryabcool ( m) and

I see u ohh...abi u wan upload another episode? tongue
Another wat?!
*quickly enters stealth mode*
Re: African Nerd by Nobody: 5:48pm On Dec 26, 2012
Awesome, RedMosquito.
Re: African Nerd by caesaraba(m): 6:19pm On Dec 26, 2012
Redmosquito:
Can u send 2000 dollars to my account? tongue grin grin grin grin grin

Lol. If I could!
Re: African Nerd by Xsolutions: 8:10pm On Dec 26, 2012
The Cassandra babe, I will soon resume sha! By January, so maybe I'll investigate. Is the babe fine? grin grin grin[/b][/quote]
hahaha she's my relative...just been awhile i've seen her Oooo
Re: African Nerd by ARES(m): 8:23pm On Dec 26, 2012
Red moss scores again! Nice one man. Btw, when are u going to meet jonathan. I can't wait for that stuupid bolar hat to fly off his head..... Gosh I hate that hat!!! angry angry angry
Re: African Nerd by purpinkx(m): 12:29am On Dec 27, 2012
Lol at joooke booooorn
Re: African Nerd by armadeo(m): 5:16pm On Dec 27, 2012
ShooOooo!!! Where is this red mosquito. No let me vex oh. Undo ur stealth mode now.
Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 5:31pm On Dec 27, 2012
Guys no vex grin grin grin grin
**************************************************
YAAWWNNN!!!

I reflexively let out a lungful of green pungent air. I watch as a housefly is caught in the stream of toxic gas, its death is swift and painless, like those of the Nazi gas chambers.
I rub my eye to see my mother standing before the bed, her hands akimbo. A big hat tilts stylishly on her head, a long pink skirt and a pink and purple striped top.
I don’t know whether her dressing is fine or not, I have never had a fashion sense.
But I know she'll ask for my opinion.
" Haa! See how you killed that fly! Is your mouth that bad?!", she asks

Heh! I never knew she noticed my oral murder ooo! I just look away from her, scratching my chin and hair alternately with one hand.

" Ayomide! Why do we still pay for fumigation.....", she pauses, " when we have someone like u at home? You should just around the house, close the windows and talk for one hour", she jokes

"See! I am in no mood for your talks, woman. Just let me be!", this is what I wanted to say to her, but when I saw the tambourine hanging dangerously from her right hand with its sharp shiny discs, I ermmmm....... reconsidered!

She waits a while, looking at me with pity and shaking her head.
" Me and your siblings are going to church. So better meet us there early by nine on the dot!", she says before leaving my room.

I stand from the granite-hard bed and frown, I scratch my crotch in a bid to calm the soldier in my pants, the one that is already standing at attention and ready for battle.

My mother is a deaconess or whatever they call them. My sister is in the choir, haaa! The choir, I will tell you about them later. My brother is like an usher, not appointed, just freelance. Me! I am in the ermmm.... ermmmm...... congregation.

That is why they all have to be in church early, they are all workers in the cassavayard! Wait! Or was it vineyard?!
Peem! Peem!! Peem!!!
I race to open the gate as I hear the angry horning of the car.

As I watch them drive away and as I close the gate, I soliloquize
" So today is Sunday!"
What a beautiful day it is. I pull the cold air into my lungs, I feel it rub against my trachea. It feels good and it brings memories, a touching one in particular.
It all flows back as if it were an hour ago! Yes! My memory is that good!

That Sunday morning, me, Quadri and James had decided to attend this mountain of fire church. Quadri, the bad sinner, the one that has never smelt a church before. He was the one that convinced us to follow him, he needed our support. For he was going to handle a difficult problem, he was going to toast a stark christain babe, the ones they call SU.

So sha, on getting to the church, we meet the girl. She was a beauty to behold with her striking features, heavy headlights, steady rear wing and a beautiful face, but all these assets were hidden, although unsuccessfully, by her big oversized blouse and long flowing skirt. The only make up she had on her face was petroleum jelly. Shikena!
She was very friendly, she offered us some seats but we declined the offer, we no wan spoil Quadri parole, she even looked through my phone.
So we sat at the back, me and James, and left the babe and Quadri to sit together, two row in front.
The preacher was a white man, a guest preacher from UK.
He kept talking on and on about save sex.
Haba! Our blood are not that hot na!

"Okay! I want you guys to tell me about any STDs and STIs you must have encountered!", he says in his foreign accent, it is as if he is speaking through his nose.

Many students come out to mention all sorts, HIV, Gonorrhoea, Syphilis, someone even mentioned tuberculosis.
And then we see Quadri walk up to the altar with swag, his face was all over the screens in the big student hall.

The white man passes him the mic. He begins

" Well! There was this my aunty, she was married and cheating on her husband. So one day while they were in the act, the man stopped mid way and told her he was thirsty", he pauses to look at the attentive faces of all of us, even the white man was in suspense.
He smiles to himself and continues

" So after drinking up to twelve cups of water, the man immediately removed his clothes and started somersaulting, but luckily for him the woman held him from somersaulting the seventh time, if not, he would have died!"

" What kind of virus is that?", asks the white man

" The Scientific name is Ifanis Jujuris, normal name is African Magun!", he replies.

The congregation immediately goes wild with claps and laughter, even I couldn’t hold myself from smiling.
Swagalicious b*stard.
The white pastor remains there, a puzzled look on his face as Quadri walks back to his seat.
And then the prayers begin.
James is a Catholic and I, a Redeemer. So we both begin our individual quiet-toned prayers. But we are suddenly drawn aback by a loud chanting

RABABABABABABBABABA!!!
ROBOBOBOBOBOOBOBO!!!

We see that it is the SU babe that has gone spiritual. She is seriously vibrating with every syllable uttered. And then she begins another session

PORSHEPORSHEPORSHE PORSHEPORSHEPORSHE!!!
I was thinking that maybe she was trying to give hint to poor Quadri that she wanted a blackberry porshe.
And then the loudspeaker beside us booms

" Children of God!! Do not let the devil succeed in your life!!! Oya destroy them!!! FIGHT!!! FAYA!!! HOOLY GHOOST FAYA!!!"

The pastor too is encouraging this strange behaviour.
And when we thought the babe could do no worse, it was this slight push from the pastor that brought out the best in her.
She pushes her hand up to her sides, spreading them wide as if she wants to fly, poor Quadri was just staring at her wide-eyed.
Me and James exchange a momentary glance. "This is going to be interesting", we thought.
And then she begins to jump up and down, flaying her hands everywhere and swaying around like a coconut tree in a thunderstorm.
And then she suddenly shouts out in a cold and loud male voice, rich in bass
" Nooooo! I will not come out! I will not come out", she stops for a moment, still swaying and then she resumes in a more bass-laden voice

" Quadri! I know what you want from me ooo. You and your two friends, I know what you want from me ooo. And I will destroy the three of you before you can touch me!"

"Yee!!", Quadri shouts out, placing both hands on his head with his mouth open in disbelief.

"Chineke mee!!", James cries with his hand over his open fallen jaw

"Mo Gbe!", it was me that said this, both hands on my chest.

Jesus Christ!
Na Demon be this?! Wetin do this babe?!
Shey na us wan toast am?!
Na only Quadri dey toast her na! Wetin come consign us? The demon wey dey for her body don mad ooo!

"Ayomide! Na so person take dey die ooo!", says James to me, his yellow face now white with fear and confusion.


Everybody is already looking at us as if we are rapists.
We can already hear whispers of “See dem! Na so dem dey do ooo!”
" Biko!! Shift!! Make I dey go hostel!", James says as he pushes me out of his way.
Me and James quickly run out of the church, Quadri hot on our heels.
We do not stop running until we get to the hostel.

" Walahi! I no know say person fit toast devil ooo?!", says Quadri between bouts of forceful breaths on arrival at the hostel gate, his hands to his knees and his face to the ground.

James is now red with anger and exhaustion.
"Take!!", he says to Quadri as he pushes his spread fingers to his face, a gesture of Waka

"If dem born you well, come tell me make I follow you go toast girl again!", he adds to Quadri.

I ignore them, I just keep staring blankly at my empty side pockets, my eyes bulging with horror, na now I remember say I forget my iPhone for the girl hand.
I smile at the memory as I walk back to the house, ready to go to church. Thinking of what drama awaits me there.

1 Like

Re: African Nerd by Udee1(f): 6:42pm On Dec 27, 2012
Lol! Redmoss why do I get the feeling that these kind of hilarious experiences actually happen to you? You really should start a diary.
Re: African Nerd by movmentish(m): 7:11pm On Dec 27, 2012
U-dee:
Lol! Redmoss why do I get the feeling that these kind of hilarious experiences actually happen to you? You really should start a diary.
Something like this must have happened to him no doubt,but wait oh,no be blackberry i-must-ping u start this story with
Re: African Nerd by Oluwafunmilayo95(f): 8:03pm On Dec 27, 2012
movmentish:
Something like this must have happened to him no doubt,but wait oh,no be blackberry i-must-ping u start this story with
grin grin grin grin grin
Re: African Nerd by Redmosquito(m): 9:57pm On Dec 27, 2012
Oluwafunmilayo95: grin grin grin grin grin
Them don thief the iphone since. Na after them thief am I buy blackberry struggle. grin grin grin
Thanks for your comments oooo! Please keep them rolling. I will soon come to GEJ but I want to end my home things first and then we shall round it up with GEJ. grin grin grin
Re: African Nerd by larride(m): 11:05pm On Dec 27, 2012
You and quadri abi? No worry
Re: African Nerd by VanTee20(m): 11:50pm On Dec 27, 2012
Black prince is ok but Ayomide is sumfn else.
Nyc 1 Redmoss.
Re: African Nerd by FoxyRebirth(m): 7:16am On Dec 28, 2012
Redmoss....
Re: African Nerd by olenyi(m): 9:50am On Dec 28, 2012
Way to go red. We're solidly behind u. grin
Re: African Nerd by Feraz(m): 12:15pm On Dec 28, 2012
Silently following.....
Re: African Nerd by Ice4jez(m): 4:30pm On Dec 28, 2012
log into african nard .check for update .log out .to come back next one hour
Re: African Nerd by ARES(m): 6:14pm On Dec 28, 2012
Red, (retired, extremely dangerous) u are awesome with these stories. Good work bro
Re: African Nerd by SirElaw(m): 6:23pm On Dec 28, 2012
First tym commentin hia...U r rily doin great man. Hilarous story, Hilarous thread. *ThumbsUp*
Re: African Nerd by Udee1(f): 6:38pm On Dec 28, 2012
Oh God! I hope Redmoss didn't attempt to get his phone back, that has to be why we haven't heard from him shocked

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