How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? - Romance - Nairaland
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| How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 12:28am On Dec 15, 2012 |
WHAT SHOULD I DO. ive been having an affair with a man sinse i was 16 yrs. im now 20 nearly 21 .he is 30yrs now and he has been with the same women for 10 years. and last year they got married , they have 3 children together. before they got married (but already had their children) he wanted to marry me , but i said no , we were going to run away together when he went to university for 3 yrs so know one would know us. but i was young then and didn't care about that stuff so we never did it but we continued sleeping together. we see each other at least twice a week we call it fun but we both know theres something between us as he does not like me talking or seeing other guys. but he says he loves his wife . our sex is unbelievable and i love him , i don't mind not being able to have him to myself , i just love he fun we have together and the thrill . during our years of sleeping together when i was 18 we had a 7 month break as i entered a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend but we spilt up , (the only proper boyfriend ive had) after my break up with my boyfriend i started sleeping with the "MAN" again .and sinse then we havnt spent longer then a few days apart after we sleep together.i don't WANT to stop but im starting to feel bad for his wife she doesn't know me but we live in the same town and when she's on holiday withe kids ive eslept in her marital bed more the 6 times. i myself am a christian but the 'MAN' is a devote christian and sometimes he does struggle with the adultery label to our relationship . but we've never stopped. I've even tried and changed my number but somehow we always end up back in bed with each other. and its not even once in a while it can be up to 4 times a week . and hell ring his wife and make an excuse as i have my own place now so its easier for us to make arrangements. like i sed i dont WANT to stop but i think i NEED to stop . becos how long is this going to go on for , and its stopping me from getting into a 'normal' relationship. himself and his wife are nigerian and he's really family orientated man , i am not nigerian . and we live in the UK has anyone got any advice for me because its like an addiction (also. when we first met and not until about 4 months into our relationship did he tell me he had a family, so if i had known from the start he did i probably would not be in this mess, it wasnt until i went to his house that i saw the childrens bedrooms and i realised that he did... he even denied it and said they weren't his children then he eventually gave in and told me the truth. so its not my fault it started) so from the beginning he lied about his wife and wanted to leave her and now he tells me he loves her . so confusing then wen i try to leave he tells me he loves me then wen things get back to normal he tells me he loves his wife as well. i think if i was nigerian it would be different maybe? I'm mixed race white/black cuban ... whole things so complicated i think if he didnt have children it would be easier 1 Like |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by k2039: 12:45am On Dec 15, 2012 |
SMh @ Op. Just tell the man all you just told us and tell him it's not fair on his wife, besides you have decided to move on and settle down with your own life since he has settled down with his. Simple as that, then you cut off all contacts with him afterwards. I understand it may not be easy at first, but understand if you are committed to getting yourself out of this you will certainly get out. Besides, how will you feel after you get married and realise a woman is doing exactly same thing you are doing to him with your hubby. 2 Likes |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 1:01am On Dec 15, 2012 |
hmm yes i know its just hard . i just wish i could see into the future if we ever will break up because we both have tried . the only way i feel i cud properly stop it is if i found some1 i liked more then him and so far thers no body . |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Mynd44: 5:50am On Dec 15, 2012 |
So this guy has you and he still got married to another woman and you are here asking for how to tell him it's over? This is beyond my advice |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by dmcdad: 6:10am On Dec 15, 2012 |
It's very obvious that both of you are being driven by LUST. There is no love whatsoever between the both of you. The fact that the both of you find it difficult to refrain from this repulsive act is not a yardstick to say that it's love that binds the both of you. You are only being addicted to what you have been doing. But let's face it, you guys have been doing this for a good number of years, four years to be precise. And you think you ain't doing harm to yourselves mentally, psychologically and spiritually? I believe in the chain/golden rule do unto others what you want them do to you. If you were in the shoes of the man's wife, how would you feel? UNLESS you assume her position and be sincere to yourself of how you'd feel, then you would never stop being lustful. One thing you fail to realize is the fact that, this man does not love you one bit. The earlier you realize that, the better for you. You stated it yourself that, at some point or the other he tells you he loves you and at other times, he tells you he loves his wife. Gurl be wise and know that the earlier you detach yourself from this man, the better for you. And I believe you have not done anything to avert this irrespective of what you claimed to have been trying to do. Please, for the sake of the both of you, leave this man for good. You are a human being with conscience and not a beast. You need to fight this to the latter, and pray to God to help you come out of this gruesome act. It's clear to me that both of you dont have the fear of God. Though you claimed he is a devout christian but you need to be corrected that, a devout christian would not engage in an extra marital affair for four years and be comfortable with it. On your part, you need to go close to God and He will see you through these dark timez. Like k2039 said, regale the man with all these you have told us and come to an agreement to deviate from this. May God give you a heart that will hearken to these words and act accordingly. 2 Likes |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by k2039: 9:45am On Dec 15, 2012 |
Mynd_44: So this guy has you and he still got married to another woman and you are here asking for how to tell him it's over?Normally, I would just have left the thread without commenting, but the manner in which she wrote the story shows that she is telling the truth 1 Like |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by 190theclown: 9:48am On Dec 15, 2012 |
Op follow these advices you should be fine https://www.nairaland.com/1133321/top-10-relationship-advice-nigerian |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Mynd44: 9:50am On Dec 15, 2012 |
k2039:I know it is true but that she does not know how to cut the man off is amazing. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by k2039: 9:59am On Dec 15, 2012 |
femishosho@gmai: There is no habit that cant be broken, like I said it will take tremendous commitment, but as it stands you have all to loose, he has settled down and certainly he will never get married to you, the earlier you realise this, the better, besides you are not growing younger. It all begins with you will to stop, no one will help you, except you, I can only advice you. You are sitting on a time bomb which will explode sooner than you expect, he is using you and he will dump you soon enough and trust me that will be disastrous, I pray you dont run mad then. In cases like this, you have to exhibit you human endowment Self Awareness: You should understand their is more to your emotions, you have total control over it, it's not just how your body feels. Imagination: You have to believe you can break up with him and survive, see yourself living a happy life. Everything begins with you wanting to stop in your mind Conscience: You conscience is screwed, you need to rewrite the program. You are christian, fornication and adultery is a sin, great sin at that, besides will you love your husband to treat you the way he is treating his. Independent Will: Your abilty to chose to do what is right even when you dont feel like. This is the best I can do for you, I just hope you take the advice and that of dmcdad. 1 Like |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by dmcdad: 10:04am On Dec 15, 2012 |
Mynd_44:You should know she has been sunk into it that getting out is phantasm... |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by k2039: 11:17am On Dec 15, 2012 |
Mynd_44: She is love struck. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 5:59pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
thank you for your advice people . i just wanted to hear other peoples opinions and it seems no one thinks he loves me which maybe true I'm just in denial. but if he loves his wife then surely he wants to have sex with her , then why does he need me .which makes me think that it cant be all that he says it is. and sex is sex yes our relationship is based on sex but he can get that from her or any other woman why me this is where i get our relationship side from because theres some connection there?! to be honest i shared this because lately it has been playing on my conscience and it feels weird to call it an affair because i've never thought of it like that until lately. 2 weeks ago he tried to end it and sed we cant see each other but we cud be friends in the future even be friends with his wife which made me abit angry . i didn't really have a choice in the matter he decided .. then he comes back 9 days later wanting to carry on . im not easy to other men or have any other men but i cant say NO to him because wen we are together its a nice feeling. and even if i did say no i have before he keeps begging and i say yes. i really appreciate all of you comments i know what i need todo but saying it is one thing doing it is another and theres always that problem of saying this is the last time every time you do it. if he didn't love me then why wud he still be with me when he cud be with his wife. he hasnt said it but i think he loves her as a person but hes not happy with her.and i do have a life and occupy myself so im not always thinking of him but at the end of the day when i come home it nice just to relax with him and i also feel like fair enough he's not my husband but its alot to throw away. i DONT want her to find out that would be AWFUL and id never ever forgive myself. but i do wonder what shed say , i know she dosnt suspect because ive seen them out together and i get the vibe shes really inlove with him and believes everything he says to her . if i didnt really like him i wouldnt do this with him id find sombody else but i do . and really dont think i can like anyone else as much and i have tried dating other men its not the same. and its true im not growing younger i should be thinking about who would want to marry me but i cant . we both dont end it wen we say we will, its so irratating |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Gudintent: 6:00pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
You cant stop Until you repent from what you are doing Bragging about sleeping in someone's matrimonial bed commiting fornication with an adulterer!!! You are not remorseful, you have no ounce of compassion for the wife and the kids. What you sow, you will reap generously . . .so continue with what you are doing, it will come back to you, both of you. And that is not a curse. Just keeping it real!! |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by dmcdad: 6:14pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
femishosho@gmai:Busy now... Will tell u whats up when I'm done |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 6:44pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
im not excusing what im doing but is it not different when you love someone |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 6:44pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
dmcdad: ok thanks |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 6:46pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
Gudintent: You cant stop ( even tho we were together before he married and he asked me to marry him first ) i will admit I'm a cheater or the 'bit on the side' or whatever . i do feel bad but its the connection between us otherwise id easily stop. my father cheated on my mother and i have been cheated on before by my only and ex boyfriend. and when you are on the receiving end you think the 'other woman' is laughing at you or the thinking about you when theyre together and you think that she wants to steal you man and talking behind your back . well when your the person cheating its weird to see how thats the opposite of how you feel. because i dont want to steal him or split them up, i could quite easily go to her house and tell her or tell people and gossip gets around . but i dont i havnt told a soul not my family or friends just so it never would get back to her . so im not bragging |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 9:14pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
Mynd_44: So this guy has you and he still got married to another woman and you are here asking for how to tell him it's over? yes . but if i had been more serious before then we would have been married and living together. i sound evil i know but its the truth . i am trying am just wanting to hear a useful way to lock it off that i havnt already tried before |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by femishoshogmai(f): 9:23pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
k2039: i dont want to split them up , but if i had sed yes to him in the beginning then she wudnt be married to him . i still don't want to marry him .its just in gods eyes he sees what we are doing in sin. i just dont want it to be deceatful or tainted. i learnt to cook nigerian food for him , i learnt some of his language yet if anyone knew about us i would be seen as the bad one over her .am stuck with this label of cheating when its not like that whats the solution ?theres isnt one the only other thing i havnt tried is moving city |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Mynd44: 9:38pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
femishosho@gmai:Life is not about if and if nots. You had your chance and you blew it. Move on and face the next one. Every experience in life makes us stronger and helps us avoid mistakes. You should have realised yours now and so you should move on. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by k2039: 11:21pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
You actually love struck, if he really loved you, he would have made sure you guys are married now, he wouuld have waited for you to say yes. You feel he is not happy with his wife, I quite agree with that, what that means is just that you are just a option, he is using you to gratify his desires, you think he loves you, I know he is using you. You siting on a time bomb that will explode soon, when he gets back fully with his wife then you will be in serious shi.t then. Frankly, I just think you guys are strongly infatuated,because the LOVE I know is objective and sound enough to know when to leave. With 100 percent certainity I can confidently tell you that he doesnt love you, but he is using you. A man will pretend and decieve a lady well enough just to get what he wants. When he resolves his differences with his wife he will dump you. I'm not giving any advice after this, I'm done advising you, it's up to you to take full responsibility for your life. 1 Like |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by dmcdad: 11:29pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
k2039: You actually love struck, if he really loved you, he would have made sure you guys are married now, he wouuld have waited for you to say yes.Gbam!!! I think it's redundant for me to give further comment on this.. I believe it has been trashed, except if u are yet to comprehend this hook, line and sinker. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Mynd44: 11:36pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
dmcdad:Seconded |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by k2039: 11:37pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
Being lovestruck means having mental and physical symptoms associated with falling in love: 'love-struck. It means to be hit by love...you are hit in your heart by the emotion of love'. [url]en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lovestruck[/url] The earlier you start thinking with your brain the better. OP, Stop thinking with your heart, it's absolutely deceptive. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by k2039: 11:43pm On Dec 15, 2012 |
[url]en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lovestruck[/url] Ensure you read that link. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by P4VS20: 1:27am On Dec 16, 2012 |
wait i dont get, u were with him for 4 yrs, and he married a woman he has been with for 10 yrs...and you say u dont think he is happy with her. hmmm because he is sleeping with you, but he has been with her for 10yrs and you 4 yrs hmmmmmm.CAN I POUR COLD WATER ON YOUR HEAD?! to be honest with you, u aint love struck at all. you guys have a soul-tie you need to break. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by P4VS20: 1:31am On Dec 16, 2012 |
dmcdad: pls tell her whats up, cos i feel like going to see her in the UK to slap reality back into her. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by GoldenLady1: 2:12am On Dec 16, 2012 |
femishosho@gmai:  It's not [/b]like[b] that. It [/b]is[b] that.k2039: you are just a option, he is using you to gratify his desires, you think he loves you, I know he is using you. Better stop before his wife finds out, snaps and beats your azz, completely annihilates you. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Mynd44: 6:32am On Dec 16, 2012 |
But seriously, I think the OP is just scared. Scared that she has been with the OP for so long, she might not find someone who will love her like that. She is scared that she has waste her time with the guy so she gives herself false hope. OP, you need to cut ties with the man and move on. |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by GoldenLady1: 2:59pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
Your question was how to end things. The answer is you just end it. Stop taking/initiating calls. Don't open the door/ answer the door when he comes to your place. Don't go to his place. Basically avoid him like the plague. You will probably say that's too difficult to do. Engage your self in other activities that take your attention away from him. If you're in school focus your attention on excelling in all your courses and hanging out with classmates. If you work or have a business put all your attention into promoting yourself. 1 Like |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Nobody: 5:26pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
@OP the answer to your question is very simple: GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN, and stop hanging on to this fake r/ship that is taking you nowhere. the problem is that he got you when you were still a kid and groomed you into being what you are today, you dont know any better than what he provides for you, and thats why you kinda feel the need to be with him, like children needing their daddy. i do pity the man who will end up with you because you cannot be trusted around this married guy......you will be his sex slave forever. the minute he snaps his fingers, you will appear ready to please his every wishes. its called THE ART OF PIMPING! |
| Re: How To End A 4 Year Affair ?? by Nobody: 6:02pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
OP why not relocate for good 2 Likes |
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