TV01: @ WhyMe222, good evening my brother,

Your post literally moved me beyond words. So much so, that I had to write, if only to comfort you and wish you well.
You are undoubtedly torn and in great despair. I hold marriage sacred, and would not wish your experience on the vilest of people.

I realise that right now you are raw and hurting, rewinding and playing back events in your head, reviewing the evidence, looking for fault, ascribing blame, feeling utterly betrayed. It must be torture.

As painful as this obviously is, I am heartened by your desire to forgive your wife and restore your union. We all know what the default position is – especially for African men. It was likewise my position. But in coming to and growing in Christ I am fully persuaded that forgiveness and restoration are available and would be a wonderful thing.

You have persevered for at least 6 months. You know why? There was great hope and expectation when the two of you wed. You were both committed, loving and you have a precious daughter. Even now you declare your love. Sir, please believe that both hope and joy are still possible.

Your wife has shown remorse, if this is genuine, please continue to seek forgiveness, healing, reconciliation and restoration.

You need to be prayerful – the both of you - if you are a Christian. Get deeper into your faith, closer to God. One should enter marriage with a sacrificial mindset, and although sacrifice is not always required, I urge you to make a very big – but worthy – one in this instance.

She needs to be utterly open and honest and totally re-committed to her husband, daughter and home. The betrayal was manifold. She needs to be humble and penitent.

But you have to communicate through all of this – intensely. Perhaps you could find time alone, just the two of you. Talk, talk, talk. Discuss, discuss, discuss. You need to have this out fully.

Be clear on your desires and expectations. As a man and as faithful and committed, you need to know why? Continue to show the admirable qualities you have thus far. Be angry, rage even, but remain restrained. You have done so in your hurt and also held your tongue, that is thoroughly commendable. You have been wise to not spread this abroad. Whilst you will get to the point of forgiveness, others may not forget.

Did you miss something, was it truly a mistake or is your wife simply wayward. Even waywardness can be repented of. You both need to be clear on what’s at stake and where you stand. Trust needs to be rebuilt. That takes time and commitment from the both of you.

Having said that, if it proves too much and you feel you must unburden yourself, choose wisely. Someone mature and god-fearing who will respect your privacy.

As for the man in question; Your wife needs to be away from him. And as soon as is conveniently possible. He is not a family friend. He never was. Utterly expunge him.

You have rightfully bourne your daughters well-being in mind. Please continue to do so. I believe you know the resolution that is iv her best interest.

Once again I commend the character you have shown and your pursuit of a non selfish outcome. Marriage is worth fighting for, worth persevering through the difficult times.

Please be strong, you will surely make it through this by the tender mercies and unyielding grace of God. May He restore you to overflowing.

God bless
TV

jackymfon:
3. If you decide to divorce your wife, you will stigmatize your daughter becos your family will always refer to her mothers adulterous affair and besides if you guys divorce, you marry again, your wife too marries again what happens to her, where will she fit in the equation, also consider the fact that even single guys these days are not finding it easy to settle down becos of the issue of a good wife, one that is not in it for the money or other reasons other than love, but you know your wife loves you despite her actions.

Be strong, give her a second chance and when those pictures flood your mind remind yourself, that its in the past and all of you have moved on from there. cheers.

jackbauersballs: Before I divorce the olosho, I would feign forgiveness.
Then secretely begin to destroy every thing she holds dear...


I would seduce her mom

Get her younger sister pregnant

Clean out her bank accounts

Arrange for her to get fired from work

make a sextape with her and post it on the internet

Then finally divorce her and take custody of the kid after revealing that it was ME who fcked her up...

I hate these gaddem oloshos mehn...

As for that 'friend'...he can expect broken ankles/elbows,and kneecaps

WhyMe222:

Thanks for your contribution. I know my wife will find this and I wasn't hiding it. We do frequent nairaland to keep abreast of happenings. Reading through all the comments with diverse opinion from people of different races and nationalities and most especially our fellow country men/women from different tribes will help draw a clearer picture of the quantum of her misdemeanor and cause her to take a deeper sober reflection.

I don't agree with you that this thread will cause a leak as I did not disclose vital statistics and keywords that can give us away. I had that at the back of my mind all through and I carefully avoided such details.

yoddy01: Z
Please do not tell anyone about this issue. Mostly family members. I know you feel like telling everyone why you are hurting but, this will only cost you heart ache because if you eventually decide to forgive your wife, your friends or family members will no longer have any respect for her. Also you are the one in the relationship, everything that you guys do, should be between you. Handle this issue in a mature manner. If you want to divorce her, fine. Do not go about telling people what she did as it will affect your daughter too. Pls be a man.

logica: LOL. So men don't tell people when cheated on. They help a non-respectable woman to keep unmerited respect. Dumbass things.

yoddy01:
If you cannot add any reasonable comments to the thread, why not leave?

logica: Some people seem very adept at giving advise but cannot follow same advise. Take your own advise. One more instance of dumbass things. It is merely proof that had the same happened to you as happened to the OP, you would likely do the exact opposite of the advise you are giving. They call people like you hypocrites.

yoddy01:
You do not even make any sense to me Mr logica.

logica: Oh no you missed it. I make my own rules in my house. The fact that you are willing to kill does not mean you are willing to be killed (that's the first rule of an assassin or soldier: kill but don't be killed). So because I am a scammer, I should allow people to scam me? That's not "double standard"; it is commonsense and self preservation. The rule is simple; if you are going to cheat, don't be caught. The crime is in being caught.

LOL, woman go injure me by sleeping with another man, and then add insult upon it by getting pregnant all for me to raise the bastard? Gentlemen (abi na mugu) plenty for this world o.

salt 1:

What did your last slave die of, logica? Because you sound like a slave driver with your rules.
Watch this attitude! Men like you are the type that resorts to physical abuse if their wives are more financially comfortable

gbokukueba: @OP,


I pray you make the right choice[b] but for me if i know she had physical relationship with another man its the end of the marriage.[/b]..

logica: Maybe that slave is your mother and the slave driver your father; do not mix me up with your father. If your father beats your mother, that is their biz and yours; not mine. I am a man of my own, as I came into this world alone.

biolabee:

Those statements about anothers parents and betrays your use of your moniker

You appeal to no logic

logica: Kindly step aside before yours are added to the list.

mbulela:
I respect your opinion as an individual and this is not a cticism of your personal choice but i wonder why men often say this?
men go outside and not only sleep with women other than their spouses but some even have children outside. Yet women are expected to forgive and help heal the marriage. Why can't same happen when the table is turned? Most of all, when the guilty party has retraced her steps. Why must forgiveness have a limit? Is that true forgiveness? Especially when repentance is present. If women can forgive men, so should men. This attitude that men cannot forgive cheating partners is misogyntic,to say the least.

biolabee:



threats now... tragic

logica: Tragic for you or your family? Look dude or whatever you are, I would rather reserve my responses for those who have more than one liners and do more than go about liking every silly post. Capisce?

biolabee:

you claim to be logical in your posts yet consistently have appealed to emotions and anger
Your discourse with toks2008 was flawed appealing to a sense of traditional roles of men and them being allowed to cheat

is that logical you tell me... now abusing my family instead of dealing square with the issue... still more tragic

ish

logica: xxxx

logica: You are still here? You know I just checked your profile to be sure you are a man; because you seem to think like a woman. I know your type though; I can assure you that you will raise a few kids that are not yours. You are just that weak.

Speaking of anger, you don't have a clue. I'm perfectly calm even as I post this; but any insults thrown at me leads directly back to the throwers home. That's my own rule.

Idowuogbo:
Mr man, Are u pregnant? Jeez! Enough!

logica: Lol. Yes I am. Triplets.

Idowuogbo:
Abajo! No wonder! U due May 2014 she? Pele! Wa ye.

logica: Yeah. Tonight. Venue is my toilet. Come watch me drop 3 turds. Special viewing. Goodnight.

baby124: You can divorce her if you can boldly claim that you have been a faithful and good husband. If you have not, stay there, forgive and work through your issues as you have both canceled each other out. You are the leader of your home, if you stray, your wife has an 80percent chance of straying. Some women are so frustrated by their husband's bad behavior and lonely that they find solace in another. Who better than a friend whom you wouldn't suspect, is married so he won't want more, and has her time? If you have been an unrepentant cheat like some men, the shoe is on the other foot, and you feel what she feels everytime you cheat. If you feel like you have no life, imagine how you have killed her a 1000 times. If you are a cheat, man up and fix your home. In this day and age, it wouldn't get better. Women are hardly dying and crying to death for husband anymore. So men now are either faithful or the couple play each other till they both RIP or kill each other with diseases. If you are not a cheat and you are a good husband, divorce her.

WhyMe222: Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. May God bless you all.

On the paternity of my daughter, I have no doubt she is my flesh and blood because of the striking resemblance. She is a replica of my mum.

I want to forgive her and move past this period and work on the marriage, this is the reason why we have stayed together till this moment. I had the chance of informing both parents last Christmas but I chose not to with the hope we will survive it and move on. Yeah my wife is remorseful. She has tried in her own way to make amends but truth be told, it is not easy. I cannot lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k at her and not wonder how she got to that hotel, took her clothes off, slept with her colleague/our family friend, left and I possibly went to pick her up when she got closer home in our usual fashion, she came back and carried my daughter, forming mother and wife, slept on the same bed with me (Oh Lord I must have been so foolish), and lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k me in the face to tell me she loves me. And then they repeated same thing few days later, and again and possibly again and again and again until I made the discovery. They claim it was just a few times cos I have spoken with the devil himself.

Before breaking the news to her after my discovery, I made her unlock her phone so I went straight to their BBM chats. Their BBM conversation and email correspondence lend credence to the fact that, they didn't just sleep with each other out of raging hormones, they were actually having an amorous affair. A supposed wife!

I wish there is a reset button so I can reset my memory and move on in my marriage cos I ĺOVƐ my wife and for the sake of our adorable daughter. But how will I cope in this misery she has put me in? Right now I don't feel anything for her anymore. I snap sometimes no matter how much I try not to. Even the way I relate with her. Our usual pet name "НONEY" is so heavy in mouth now that I just mumble it when I need to call her attention for anything.

I feel my best option is a dissolution. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Yes I know it has its up and downs and we have had our fare share and gone past through it. This one is bigger than me. I don wanna die young or age faster than I should cos I have noticed some rapid changes.

Meanwhile, I made her confess because she was trying to be economical with the details initially. Let me also mention that in all this, I never raised a finger at her. I am one with an absolute self control. I don't subscribe to violence in any form.

God help me.