*Semuhle*Baby*:
The friend is what makes it painful but it takes two, what kind of friend cheats with his friends wife. Are they both not friends with the guy. Am sure perhaps the cheating could have happened way before she was pregnant, who knows. I am not saying she is not bad, I dnt understand how a women or men can cheat let alone when the woman is pregnant or has a baby. Thats their ish. The thing i am concerned with is the baby. Would you have enjoyed or like to have grown up without your mother at 2yrs old?

if that mother is a disgrace to womanhood then to hell with her. what kind of friend cheats with his friend's wife? did he råpe her? the decision to sleep or not to sleëp with a man lies with the woman. the wife made vows to her husband, what has this gotta do with the friend? this doesn't take two - the wife is the lethargic devil!

coogar:

if that mother is a disgrace to womanhood then to hell with her. what kind of friend cheats with his friend's wife? did he råpe her? the decision to sleep or not to sleëp with a man lies with the woman. the wife made vows to her husband, what has this gotta do with the friend? this doesn't take two - the wife is the lethargic devil!

Fornication is also the decision of the man who betrayed his friend and wife
Not only the woman is to blame

In this one the two are both devils

@Coogar i Dnt have the energy or time to argue with you. I know your type, i just hope for your sakes that one day you do not cheat and are in the receiving end and your wife or gf wants to take her child away from you then i hope you will remember everything you said today. Goodnight.

@ WhyMe222, good evening my brother,

Your post literally moved me beyond words. So much so, that I had to write, if only to comfort you and wish you well.
You are undoubtedly torn and in great despair. I hold marriage sacred, and would not wish your experience on the vilest of people.

I realise that right now you are raw and hurting, rewinding and playing back events in your head, reviewing the evidence, looking for fault, ascribing blame, feeling utterly betrayed. It must be torture.

As painful as this obviously is, I am heartened by your desire to forgive your wife and restore your union. We all know what the default position is – especially for African men. It was likewise my position. But in coming to and growing in Christ I am fully persuaded that forgiveness and restoration are available and would be a wonderful thing.

You have persevered for at least 6 months. You know why? There was great hope and expectation when the two of you wed. You were both committed, loving and you have a precious daughter. Even now you declare your love. Sir, please believe that both hope and joy are still possible.

Your wife has shown remorse, if this is genuine, please continue to seek forgiveness, healing, reconciliation and restoration.

You need to be prayerful – the both of you - if you are a Christian. Get deeper into your faith, closer to God. One should enter marriage with a sacrificial mindset, and although sacrifice is not always required, I urge you to make a very big – but worthy – one in this instance.

She needs to be utterly open and honest and totally re-committed to her husband, daughter and home. The betrayal was manifold. She needs to be humble and penitent.

But you have to communicate through all of this – intensely. Perhaps you could find time alone, just the two of you. Talk, talk, talk. Discuss, discuss, discuss. You need to have this out fully.

Be clear on your desires and expectations. As a man and as faithful and committed, you need to know why? Continue to show the admirable qualities you have thus far. Be angry, rage even, but remain restrained. You have done so in your hurt and also held your tongue, that is thoroughly commendable. You have been wise to not spread this abroad. Whilst you will get to the point of forgiveness, others may not forget.

Did you miss something, was it truly a mistake or is your wife simply wayward. Even waywardness can be repented of. You both need to be clear on what’s at stake and where you stand. Trust needs to be rebuilt. That takes time and commitment from the both of you.

Having said that, if it proves too much and you feel you must unburden yourself, choose wisely. Someone mature and god-fearing who will respect your privacy.

As for the man in question; Your wife needs to be away from him. And as soon as is conveniently possible. He is not a family friend. He never was. Utterly expunge him.

You have rightfully bourne your daughters well-being in mind. Please continue to do so. I believe you know the resolution that is in her best interest.

Once again I commend the character you have shown and your pursuit of a non selfish outcome. Marriage is worth fighting for, worth persevering through the difficult times.

Please be strong, you will surely make it through this by the tender mercies and unyielding grace of God. May He restore you to overflowing.

God bless
TV

What manner of craptastic logic is this? OP, I hope you are wise enough to not listen to those telling you to cut off the mother from the child. At this time, there is simply no credible reason to do this and it will certainly cause more harm than good.

*Semuhle*Baby*:
@Coogar i Dnt have the energy or time to argue with you. I know your type, i just hope for your sakes that one day you do not cheat and are in the receiving end and your wife or gf wants to take her child away from you then i hope you will remember everything you said today. Goodnight.

oh please - cut the sentiments.....
if i ever cheat as a husband, my wife should do whatever pleases her. i would not forgive her if she cheats, she shouldn't forgive me too.

biolabee:
Fornication is also the decision of the man who betrayed his friend and wife
Not only the woman is to blame

In this one the two are both devils

if this woman had said no, this would never have happened. every sexual congress you hear about has 100% culpability of a woman unless it's rape. goodness gracious - not once, not twice, not thrice and you people are talking about forgiveness. forgiveness my white bütt!

coogar:

oh please - cut the sentiments.....
if i ever cheat as a husband, my wife should do whatever pleases her. i would not forgive her if she cheats, she shouldn't forgive me too.



if this woman had said no, this would never have happened. every sexual congress you hear about has 100% culpability of a woman unless it's rape. goodness gracious - not once, not twice, not thrice and you people are talking about forgiveness. forgiveness my white bütt!

I never said he should forgive or not forgive that's his choice

My own is the child

biolabee:
I never said he should forgive or not forgive that's his choice

My own is the child

fathers can't raise children?
kids at a very young age whose mothers died of sickness don't exist in this world? this woman is a curse to the kid! matter of fact, the OP should get a paternity test done - he might not be the biological father after all and should that be the case, he should just make a clean break.

TV01: @ WhyMe222, good evening my brother,

Your post literally moved me beyond words. So much so, that I had to write, if only to comfort you and wish you well.
You are undoubtedly torn and in great despair. I hold marriage sacred, and would not wish your experience on the vilest of people.

I realise that right now you are raw and hurting, rewinding and playing back events in your head, reviewing the evidence, looking for fault, ascribing blame, feeling utterly betrayed. It must be torture.

As painful as this obviously is, I am heartened by your desire to forgive your wife and restore your union. We all know what the default position is – especially for African men. It was likewise my position. But in coming to and growing in Christ I am fully persuaded that forgiveness and restoration are available and would be a wonderful thing.

You have persevered for at least 6 months. You know why? There was great hope and expectation when the two of you wed. You were both committed, loving and you have a precious daughter. Even now you declare your love. Sir, please believe that both hope and joy are still possible.

Your wife has shown remorse, if this is genuine, please continue to seek forgiveness, healing, reconciliation and restoration.

You need to be prayerful – the both of you - if you are a Christian. Get deeper into your faith, closer to God. One should enter marriage with a sacrificial mindset, and although sacrifice is not always required, I urge you to make a very big – but worthy – one in this instance.

She needs to be utterly open and honest and totally re-committed to her husband, daughter and home. The betrayal was manifold. She needs to be humble and penitent.

But you have to communicate through all of this – intensely. Perhaps you could find time alone, just the two of you. Talk, talk, talk. Discuss, discuss, discuss. You need to have this out fully.

Be clear on your desires and expectations. As a man and as faithful and committed, you need to know why? Continue to show the admirable qualities you have thus far. Be angry, rage even, but remain restrained. You have done so in your hurt and also held your tongue, that is thoroughly commendable. You have been wise to not spread this abroad. Whilst you will get to the point of forgiveness, others may not forget.

Did you miss something, was it truly a mistake or is your wife simply wayward. Even waywardness can be repented of. You both need to be clear on what’s at stake and where you stand. Trust needs to be rebuilt. That takes time and commitment from the both of you.

Having said that, if it proves too much and you feel you must unburden yourself, choose wisely. Someone mature and god-fearing who will respect your privacy.

As for the man in question; Your wife needs to be away from him. And as soon as is conveniently possible. He is not a family friend. He never was. Utterly expunge him.

You have rightfully bourne your daughters well-being in mind. Please continue to do so. I believe you know the resolution that is iv her best interest.

Once again I commend the character you have shown and your pursuit of a non selfish outcome. Marriage is worth fighting for, worth persevering through the difficult times.

Please be strong, you will surely make it through this by the tender mercies and unyielding grace of God. May He restore you to overflowing.

God bless
TV

God Bless You

coogar:

fathers can't raise children?
kids at a very young age whose mothers died of sickness don't exist in this world? this woman is a curse to the kid! matter of fact, the OP should get a paternity test done - he might not be the biological father after all and should that be the case, he should just make a clean break.

You believe in a clean break .. Fair enough but life has a way of throwing curveballs so don't be too sure

The natural thing is to send her away but is that the best decision all the time. - I don't think so

However where we disagree is that the mother is automatically unfit to raise the child.

I don't agree

*Semuhle*Baby*:
Can i ask a question. Did your friend know your wife before you got married? And who knew who first?

No. It was work that brought them together. She worked directly under him, though she was later moved to a different department but they have already struck a cord then and the friendship extended to the family. He visited when my wife put to bed and a few other times. He also atimes brings her home from work.

WhyMe222: question I want answers to now is: our court marriage did not happen here in Lagos, can I file for dissolution of the union here in Lagos?

Yes. You can, anywhere.

Pity. We don't get to make right choices all the time.

WhyMe222:

No. It was work that brought them together. She worked directly under him, though she was later moved to a different department but they have already struck a cord then and the friendship extended to the family. He visited when my wife put to bed and a few other times. He also atimes brings her home from work.

Sorry about the betrayal

OP really doesn't need to hear how terrible his wife is, he's living that hell already.

What he needs are concrete steps on the way forward. These back and forth arguments are not helping at all.

Thanks TV

OP I'm truly sorry for your dilemma. Very very tough situation.

My own advice; Before you develop a HBPand make rash decision pleeeeeeease see a psychologist / marriage counsellor I beg you for goodness sake, I plead to you with sake of every living thing around you to try counselling to know what options you've got left.

Truth be told, if this story is from a woman, I'm 110% sure we'd be reading totally different responses here such as;
Keep your home for sake of your kids
Forgive and forget, Endure... Not that I'm against them but why do men think they are an exception to infidelity forgiveness.

Nothing new under the sun oh, or where'd you wanna start? Devil you know oh ( I'm still dumbfounded )

biolabee:


You believe in a clean break .. Fair enough but life has a way of throwing curve balls so don't be too sure

The natural thing is to send her away but is that the best decision all the time. - I don't think so

However where we disagree is that the mother is automatically unfit to raise the child.

I don't agree

time to get my coat.....

@op, I feel your pain, and seriously I don't know what to tell you,, but the truth is that no matter how heavy the burden seems someone has carried it before so just brace up, not just for yourself alone but for your daughter.

All I want you to know is that any decision you make now will affect your daughter.....for the sake of the poor girl, just hang on.........
and if you can't continue with the marriage, just ask your wife to move, your daughter needs you....

Goodluck in any decision you make

hear hear. In Nigeria, men can do the do, women should not.

OP, if you still love her (beauty and brain shebi) try to work things out. i'm sure she learnt her lesson. Divorce is very bad. You now have baggage and may not find the right woman who will love you and your kid. Try to work things out, take your wife and relocate. Life is full of ups and downs.

jidegirl12: OP I'm truly sorry for your dilemma. Very very tough situation.

My own advice; Before you develop a HBPand make rash decision pleeeeeeease see a psychologist / marriage counsellor I beg you for goodness sake, I plead to you with sake of every living thing around you to try counselling to know what options you've got left.

Truth be told, if this story is from a woman, I'm 110% sure we'd be reading totally different responses here such as;
Keep your home for sake of your kids
Forgive and forget, Endure... Not that I'm against them but why do men think they are an exception to infidelity forgiveness.

Nothing new under the sun oh, or where'd you wanna start? Devil you know oh ( I'm still dumbfounded )

Na wa oh! What a thread to be saved for future purposes. Op sorry for your situation, will come to you later on.
Imagiine my shck at this thread, see people throwing divorce up and down and very considerate of the OPs feelings, again na wa oh.
So adultery has suddenly becoome so painful that people foorget their bibles and "Gods hate divorce" "divorce is not an optin" verses today.
The is shocking for nairaland, if it were a woman who posted her her feelings will not even be addressed but for a man see clear differences;

1. No body blamed the Op and asked him "what were you doing wrong to push her to cheat, a woman satisfied at home won't go eating outside"

2. Ask him to make himself better, loose some weight, dress better, give her more money

3. No one asked him to go on his knees and fast and pray

Haba people see how divorce suddenly became 85 percent acceptable in this nairaland oh.
Thanks for TVC at least being consistent not minding the gender of the Poster.

My advice for the poster, take your time, see a couselor I recommed Jerome if you are in Lagos, not so you can get back but so you can figure out calmly what the next step you want is.
Adutery hurts, it opens feelings nothing else stirs so much pain and tears at once, so really people who are not ready to be faithful should stay off marriage, women feel this way all the time and still don't get e$pathy rather take the blame for their husbands cheating ways.
The kind of hurt many people bottle up from adultery is ammazing and sad.
I wish you the best what ever you decide$

At OP! The ladies have said it all! If na woman keep your home, but to a man, get rid of the adulterous babe!
To divorce her you need †☺ confirm if
A, the baby is yours,
B. The messages aπϑ texts between the two of them.
You can sue for intolerable behavior on the ground of adultery, using the messages as evidence and suing the man too(co-respondent).
If you cannot stand it, take the plunge and divorce her!
As to the child of the marriage, joint legal custody will be given but primary care aπϑ control goes to the Mother(alternate weekends/holidays for you).
Hope that answers you. Call 08093779782 if you require assistance!

An adulterous woman is an easy ticket to your grave bro ,my take on this; chase that she-goat away from your house or you leave that cursed home if she is the one paying the bills and never look back, as for your evil friend give him three yrs and do what ever you wish to do with him because the day he slept with your wife was the day he killed you first.

If you like take her back but the ugly truth is that you'll never remain the same again.

its quite bad when u judge a whole bunch by just one strand....not all ladies are like that nd not all chaps as well

WhyMe222: Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. May God bless you all.

On the paternity of my daughter, I have no doubt she is my flesh and blood because of the striking resemblance. She is a replica of my mum.

I want to forgive her and move past this period and work on the marriage, this is the reason why we have stayed together till this moment. I had the chance of informing both parents last Christmas but I chose not to with the hope we will survive it and move on. Yeah my wife is remorseful. She has tried in her own way to make amends but truth be told, it is not easy. I cannot lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k at her and not wonder how she got to that hotel, took her clothes off, slept with her colleague/our family friend, left and I possibly went to pick her up when she got closer home in our usual fashion, she came back and carried my daughter, forming mother and wife, slept on the same bed with me (Oh Lord I must have been so foolish), and lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k me in the face to tell me she loves me. And then they repeated same thing few days later, and again and possibly again and again and again until I made the discovery. They claim it was just a few times cos I have spoken with the devil himself.

Before breaking the news to her after my discovery, I made her unlock her phone so I went straight to their BBM chats. Their BBM conversation and email correspondence lend credence to the fact that, they didn't just sleep with each other out of raging hormones, they were actually having an amorous affair. A supposed wife!

I wish there is a reset button so I can reset my memory and move on in my marriage cos I ĺOVƐ my wife and for the sake of our adorable daughter. But how will I cope in this misery she has put me in? Right now I don't feel anything for her anymore. I snap sometimes no matter how much I try not to. Even the way I relate with her. Our usual pet name "НONEY" is so heavy in mouth now that I just mumble it when I need to call her attention for anything.

I feel my best option is a dissolution. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Yes I know it has its up and downs and we have had our fare share and gone past through it. This one is bigger than me. I don wanna die young or age faster than I should cos I have noticed some rapid changes.

Meanwhile, I made her confess because she was trying to be economical with the details initially. Let me also mention that in all this, I never raised a finger at her. I am one with an absolute self control. I don't subscribe to violence in any form.

God help me.

Again I implore you to forgive her,it won't happen overnight. It will take time so give it time. A break from her will do you good for now and you really don't want the details but if you insist you should equally ask her what pushed her out. I am not defending her actions but if you must know the sordid details the you should at least know the reason behind the action.

Oooohh, so adultery has suddenly become a big deal on NL cos a woman is involved? Did u lot think that women do not have blood flowing in their veins?

No one is advising him on how to "satisfy his wife's sexual needs so she doesn't stray again"
"Be romantic and keep the love sizzling in his home"
"Make the marriage work because of their child"
"Fast and pray for the philandering wife to repent of her ways"

Now, its ok to divorce on d grounds of adultery?

Two faced hypocrites!!!

Coogar with his back and forth ramblings! I can only imagine how much u will nag in real life. . . Smh. .

@Poster: I am so sad right now. This marriage is so young and yet it is about to hit the rocks! what your wife did amounts to a betrayal of your love and the marriage vows you both swore. However, I know you will be berated by advice from every angle and may not be thinking straight right now. Give it some time. Give your wife some space. When mud dries, it is easier to wash it off.Now, my advise: forgive your wife. Have a heart-to-heart talk with her and try to mend fences. Why? Because humans are not infallible. If she is remorseful, you will know. A broken home is not something to be desired. What becomes of your little girl? Remember that to err is human but to forgive is divine. You have never cheated. God bless u. you are probably a better person than she is. Try to make her a better person too by showing her love in her failures. To what end? You would save your marriage, you will put the devil to shame when you both come out of this a stronger, happier couple. My two cents.

bettymafy: Coogar with his back and forth ramblings! I can only imagine how much u will nag in real life. . . Smh. .

in all that has been said, coogar's rambling is the only thing that caught your owlish eyes. without a shadow of doubt, you have to be the most brilliant poster this forum has ever produced. stephen hawking has nothing compared to your intelligence.....

Frankly, i feel really bad for you OP and would not wish your dilemma on my enemy.

That said.

I would not advise divorce for you... Just consider if it were the other way around... and you were the one caught...

Many of the NL guys are simply talking... something are bound to happen in marriage... cheating/infidelity is one of them... unfortunately, yours came from your wife.

When we see married folks of over 25years... do you really thing they didn't pass this phase of infidelity? Really? Yet, today, they have been able to work through it all and have been made stronger for it.

Many women/wives have endured and prayed and have made the marriages work, despite Infidelity by the husbands... many of them took your option of divorce...some chose to remain and work it out.

At the end of the day, Marriage is what i term " work-in -progress" and when we sign those dotted lines... We should know that these things happen.

Some men have cheated on their wives during pregnancy... Yet, there would always be clarion call for her to "forgive him"... "he was denied sex" and a lot of excuses...

Not to excuse your wife's behavior...

There's a lot more to Marriage than "bailing out" at the slightest issue... Yes! this is a serious Issue...

The choice of what to do largely depends on you... you don't even need to consider your innocent daughter... cos you have only tot about yourself when you stated "marriage should be enjoyed and not endured"... it has also shown your perception that what matters the most to you now is YOU.

Keep the cheat at your own risks.

The usual Nollywood story-line: Big-man chop small-man's wife!

Sometimes small-man finds out but powerless as 'wetin I go chop'

WhyMe222: I don't even know where to start. Sorrow, depression, dejection, resignation etc, all now knows me by name. The love is dead, I loath her for the betrayal, sex is dead, joy gone. It's been 8 months since I made the startling discovery, I have tried to live like It didn't happen but that didn't work. I have tried to brace it like a man and move past it, that too didn't work. We have had several talks about it hoping it will heal my wound but it ain't working too. I have lost my strength to move on, my drive for success and happiness is dead. I roam aimlessly now most times not having a clear vision cos my mind is messed up. Several times I narrowly escaped ramming into a car ahead of me. I look at women now with disdain (my apologies) and infidelity boldly carved on their foreheads.

All these because your wife slept with her boss? Your wife wey u fit divorce kia kia. You be drama queen jare! Mtcheeew.

chymystique: My dear wah ever decision u make now think thoroughly abt et.. I wnt advise u to seperate or divorce her..buh Why dnt u seek d face of God in dis matter for Direction... #mythoughts

Useless fellow. Have you seen the face of god before?