Ur xperience is a serious one dat has unfortunately become d norm rather dan d xception. I've colleagues who serial adulterers. U've to b careful. It's unwise to take any decision in d heat of anger or pain. I advice u : 1. Take sometime off if it's possible. 2. See a marriage counsellor. 3. Ask God to help u 4giv ur wife as u cant do so without His hlp. 4. Ur wife may hv to change job or resigned. Divorce is not ur best option especially in d long run. There's no amicable divorce or arrangemt that will not hurt ur daughta or mar her personality psychologically. May God grant u strength n d grace to truly 4giv as well as heal n renew ur luv.

OMG cant stop laughing. u r so on point. read some of the posts this morning n was like hmmmm. well guess d bible teachings on divorce is gender specific.gat to love Nairaland.u right the man should look inwards. just read a tread where a woman was complaining her husband wasnt satisfying her n some one said she should pray n i couldn't stop laughing.Nigerians hypocritical Christians people need to learn to be more realistic in their thinking.

@op if u love ur wife forgive her.what she did is wrong if she is sorry take a long hols from her n think of d way forward. think wat would she do if the situation was reversed as they advice when a woman wants to leave her husband the next one may do much worst.

debrief08: Na wa oh! What a thread to be saved for future purposes. Op sorry for your situation, will come to you later on.
Imagiine my shck at this thread, see people throwing divorce up and down and very considerate of the OPs feelings, again na wa oh.
So adultery has suddenly becoome so painful that people foorget their bibles and "Gods hate divorce" "divorce is not an optin" verses today.
The is shocking for nairaland, if it were a woman who posted her her feelings will not even be addressed but for a man see clear differences;

1. No body blamed the Op and asked him "what were you doing wrong to push her to cheat, a woman satisfied at home won't go eating outside"

2. Ask him to make himself better, loose some weight, dress better, give her more money

3. No one asked him to go on his knees and fast and pray

Haba people see how divorce suddenly became 85 percent acceptable in this nairaland oh.
Thanks for TVC at least being consistent not minding the gender of the Poster.

My advice for the poster, take your time, see a couselor I recommed Jerome if you are in Lagos, not so you can get back but so you can figure out calmly what the next step you want is.
Adutery hurts, it opens feelings nothing else stirs so much pain and tears at once, so really people who are not ready to be faithful should stay off marriage, women feel this way all the time and still don't get e$pathy rather take the blame for their husbands cheating ways.
The kind of hurt many people bottle up from adultery is ammazing and sad.
I wish you the best what ever you decide$

biolabee:

Ahah.. You carry this your name too far o

You think say na 24
She be nina and the guy na timoshenko

Slaps him hardly, get back to the real world!!

You'd be surprised how easy it is to do such in Naija...

@OP, i realy feel 4u. But then time is a great healer. If Jesus could 4give a prostitute, den u should let go especialy if ur wifey is remorseful. I wount suggest divorce. So pls find a space in ur heart & give her a second chance, may God help u.

fonzie2u: all said and done. Have you asked yourself whats making her have an affair. well greed or nympho u would say,but ur tone sounds like a self centred person.
why is she having sex with him(money,,arriage,or job)u never stated. u sound like a perfectionist who doesnt tolerate mistakes.
OR r you get up from her once u had ur fill without knowin if shes fulfilled. women love men who can explore them,u never mentioned anything romantic or exciting that you do for her
i dont support infidelity @ all,but work on urself too.uv got attitude issues.

Interesting perspective

The marriage has been damaged irreparably. There's absolutely no way the op can carry on in his present state of mind. He can forgive but will never forget. All the talk about seeking the face of Jesus,going into prayers bla,bla,bla is just a colossal waste of time. The marriage is over,divorce is the only sensible option available. Besides,once the sex drive is dead the union is as good as useless.

If OP is a christian then he should simply forgive and work on his emotions.

Guy, u never hear say any man wey woman no kill dey live longer... Sorry man! Just with time ur wound go heal.... But it might not be only dat guy she dey give d red apple...:/ Anyway forget it & move on.

I can imagine how painful this is; but my advice- consider separation no matter how long it lasts instead of divorce.
Divorce should not be an option, the reason I said so is because chances are in 2 or 3 yrs time, u might be feeling you wish you handled the situation in a different way.

Allow for time to heal the wound to ensure your baby does not grow up in a broken home.
Its tough for you to forgive her now, but with the passage of time, it wont be hard especially because of your baby.

Kindly answer this question:
If your baby can speak and she asks you to forgive her mummy and please stay in the marriage, what would you do for the love of your innocent little girl in all honesty?

A lazy advice will be for you to end the union. However, I think there's a way out. You've confessed she's now remorseful. I think you need a break. You need to go to a place where you will not see her or hear from her. You'll be surprised that you're actually incomplete without her. If she's got the beauty and brain as you've said, then she will not let it repeat itself.
Come back home to your wife after a month or so. You will be like a 'new signing' to each other. The feelings will start to regrow and you can actually pull this off. If you pull it off, you'll enjoy the rest of your marriage. If you pull out, you're only be more shattered. I feel your pain bro. But try to study her reactions to the incidence. Trust me if she's remorseful, she wont easily cheat on you again. The devil can use anyone, man or woman. Defeat the devil by holding on to your wife bro.

jackbauersballs: Before I divorce the olosho, I would feign forgiveness.
Then secretely begin to destroy every thing she holds dear...


I would seduce her mom

Get her younger sister pregnant

Clean out her bank accounts

Arrange for her to get fired from work

make a sextape with her and post it on the internet

Then finally divorce her and take custody of the kid after revealing that it was ME who fcked her up...

I hate these gaddem oloshos mehn...

As for that 'friend'...he can expect broken ankles/elbows,and kneecaps

Haaa! U'll do the above to d woman ur daughter calls mummy?

all marriages that survived had stories if infidelities.
if it were your wife that caught you, will she divorce you?
if your answer is no, then why divorce her.

if you divorce, you have been unfair to your little girl.
she'll never ever have both parents again.
you too have destroyed your dignity.
a divorced man #lol
people will laugh at u.

StateOfMind:

So this woman's infidelity makes it acceptable for men to call you fish brains? You should be ashamed of yourself for that statement.

@Op, I'm so sorry about what you are going through. Its obvious you can not forgive or forget what this woman did, if na me nko?. File for a divorce and remove yourself from this misery, its not worth it.

....And by the way Op, did you by chance notice any signs of waywardness when you were courting or you were too carried away with her beauty and intelligence? A lactating mother who engages in unprotected sex with her boss\family friend is too loose and has probably been that way for some time.

P.S -if cheating can so damage a man's psyche like this, I think our men should think twice before doing the same and stop seeing it as a norm or what should be accepted by the female folks.

May God help us all -

please tell them,for men that claim its a birth right for them to cheat,look at this guy and see what us women the weaker sex feel when we are betrayed and change. @op,I feel for dear,wish it was in my power to reset your mind for you.and please for men that assume that since there's food,water,roof ,child and money is all what women need and they feel they have done enulf for there wives please have a re thought. Marriage first and foremost is for companionship ! Someone to share your day,dreams,sorrows,jokes,kids development with etc. try come home on time after work if possible.after you have eaten and shared your day stories together and you still want to hang out with d boys or go for meeting,let her know face to face and when you guys have put the kids to sleep,excuse yourself and go do your thing.that way the wife feels the kids and herself are more important .not condoning the lady's behavior but just giving ideas that have worked for me.dont let another man become the listening ears,believe its in vogue now for men to want to sleep with other people's wives please protect yours

phrancys001: Hav U considered a DNA test on d baby ? For starter.

no DNA test needed

A set back that can't be allowed to shatter your future. Stay away from her and see it as one of the misfortunes of life. Man, let it not affect your plans. God bless you.

Dissolve the marriage, take your child and move on before she gets bold enough to mistakenly poison you.

fresh_dude: Hmm, how does this help the OP? smh

I nor wan laff o this na serious matter.

@ Op, Eyah!

Idowuogbo:
Haaa! U'll do the above to d woman ur daughter calls mummy?

YES

Such situation sends man more faster to his water-loo,a complicated issue that calls for divine intervention. I must confess,am really feeling the pain.
I don't know,but i think that's there inclination(sorry to say that),their beauty drives them crazy.....
Man,be sure that you are performing your functions well oo(i mean conjugal part aspect of it),cos such can give rise to infidelity,examine your self thoroughly before taking action.
Please pray harder, God will surely come to your succor.
[code][/code]Na for better for worse oo

chymystique: My dear wah ever decision u make now think thoroughly abt et.. I wnt advise u to seperate or divorce her..buh Why dnt u seek d face of God in dis matter for Direction... #mythoughts

excuse me,what face of God?have you not heard of the 10 commandments?when last did you read your bible?@ op abed sack the ashewo woman jo and do dna test on your daughter

moderatorr: all marriages that survived had stories if infidelities.
if it were your wife that caught you, will she divorce you?
if your answer is no, then why divorce her.

if you divorce, you have been unfair to your little girl.
she'll never ever have both parents again.
you too have destroyed your dignity.
a divorced man #lol
people will laugh at u.

How will he know if she will divorce him or not if reversed?
have you considered how unfair it would also be for the little girl if she is raised in an unhappy home?
Only the OP can decide what is best and will work for him. We can only advice.

BTW ARE YOU SURE THE BABY IS YOURS? A STUDY REVEALED THAT 55% OF NIGERIAN BABIES ARE BASTARDS , AND ALSO THAT NIGERIAN WOMEN ARE BIG CHEAT

chymystique: My dear wah ever decision u make now think thoroughly abt et.. I wnt advise u to seperate or divorce her..buh Why dnt u seek d face of God in dis matter for Direction... #mythoughts

excuse me,what face of God?have you not heard of the 10 commandments?when last did you read your bible?@ op abed sack the ashewo woman jo and do dna test on your daughter

CAMEROONPRIDE: BTW ARE YOU SURE THE BABY IS YOURS? A STUDY REVEALED THAT 55% OF NIGERIAN BABIES ARE BASTARDS , AND ALSO THAT NIGERIAN WOMEN ARE BIG CHEAT

are you one of those 55?I'm just curious

WhyMe222: Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. May God bless you all.

On the paternity of my daughter, I have no doubt she is my flesh and blood because of the striking resemblance. She is a replica of my mum.

I want to forgive her and move past this period and work on the marriage, this is the reason why we have stayed together till this moment. I had the chance of informing both parents last Christmas but I chose not to with the hope we will survive it and move on. Yeah my wife is remorseful. She has tried in her own way to make amends but truth be told, it is not easy. I cannot lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k at her and not wonder how she got to that hotel, took her clothes off, slept with her colleague/our family friend, left and I possibly went to pick her up when she got closer home in our usual fashion, she came back and carried my daughter, forming mother and wife, slept on the same bed with me (Oh Lord I must have been so foolish), and lƠ̴͡Ơ̴͡k me in the face to tell me she loves me. And then they repeated same thing few days later, and again and possibly again and again and again until I made the discovery. They claim it was just a few times cos I have spoken with the devil himself.

Before breaking the news to her after my discovery, I made her unlock her phone so I went straight to their BBM chats. Their BBM conversation and email correspondence lend credence to the fact that, they didn't just sleep with each other out of raging hormones, they were actually having an amorous affair. A supposed wife!

I wish there is a reset button so I can reset my memory and move on in my marriage cos I ĺOVƐ my wife and for the sake of our adorable daughter. But how will I cope in this misery she has put me in? Right now I don't feel anything for her anymore. I snap sometimes no matter how much I try not to. Even the way I relate with her. Our usual pet name "НONEY" is so heavy in mouth now that I just mumble it when I need to call her attention for anything.

I feel my best option is a dissolution. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Yes I know it has its up and downs and we have had our fare share and gone past through it. This one is bigger than me. I don wanna die young or age faster than I should cos I have noticed some rapid changes.

Meanwhile, I made her confess because she was trying to be economical with the details initially. Let me also mention that in all this, I never raised a finger at her. I am one with an absolute self control. I don't subscribe to violence in any form.

God help me.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The truth of the matter is that things will never be the same. That is a fact. Please do not try to get details of their affair because, you will only hurt yourself more. From your story, it seems it was more than just a physical thing. If you still love your wife and you are sure she feels the same, you can stay in the marriage and work on it. You have to wake up everyday and decide to forgive. The pain will fade with time, but you will never forget. Pray to God to help you heal. The fact is that most times, when women cheat, the relationship is kinda over because women have to be emotionally attached to have s ex (meaning she might have had feelings for this guy). If you try and it is not working, it is better to leave the relationship, so both of you can move on. You sound like a very good man, pls do not compromise your values. Some people are saying you should get people pregnant etc. If you do that, you are no better than her and you are bringing yourself down to her level. If you both sit down and decide to work on your marriage, do not separate and pls do not start having s ex, because this will cloud your judgement. I was once in your shoes, I decided to forgive but I have not forgotten. I wake up everyday and decide to forgive all over again. You will have to trust her again for your own sanity. Please do not act in anger, because most people recover from infidelity and have a stronger marriage. It will take prayers and discipline. Please do not discuss with family members or frnds cos it will make the healing process harder.

IYA NGBALI: are you one of those 55?I'm just curious

I'm not nigerian and before you jump on me , I'm not the author of the study and you can find it online ,thanks.

its not gonna be easy bruv.but its gonna be worse if you divorce her.I remmember when my galfren cheated on me,i didnt break up with her i simply slept with her bestfrend and we were even.

OP,

Do a DNA test on your daughter for starters. It is rare for Nigerian women to cheat and there is nothing like mistake in such situations.

Be realistic. You cannot forgive her. It won't work even if you try, you will only drive yourself to depression and possible suicide when your head gets messed up or worse off, you will end up like that Arowolo chap that killed his banker wife. You try to forgive her and somehow images of her screaming oooh! ahhh! with another man whilst she was married to you will continue to haunt you and then your mind will start playing tricks on you. Unfortunately, that is the psychological make-up of every Nigerian man. Take it or leave it.

After the DNA test, whatever the result, DIVORCE her like yesterday. Even if the marriage was contracted in Japan, you can get divorce anywhere so long as you are resident there for some time.

@OP, It appears you have already made up your mind NOT to divorce your wife/baby mama.

Perhaps, you have chosen to suffer for 'love' not because of your baby but for the fact that your wife is the "breadwinner" while you are the "bread-eater" of the house. I mean, your wife provides for the upkeep of your family.

I really can't deduce any other reason why you would want to die in silence. I bet you, such a woman may never change. She is definitely going to change her strategy and module operandi. Why did she have to wait for you to discover before she owned up?

@op first of all just dey thank baba God say u no come from where i come from because u for done swell up die siiiiiince. ur wife go do kerewa for outside come back cook food for u and u chop am hehe na gateway to the great beyond be dat. u too go marry woman wey everybody eye go dey enter? anyway my advise for u be say just Zero ur mind and forget her, yes forget about her and take good care of ur pikin. simple n straightforward because make i yan u wat if u forgive her n she repeat am, omo u go comit suicide be dat o. so just run now while u can. some women are so heartless but who am i to judge cos many things can be involved maybe na d guy even jazz her up or somethin because ppl dey desperate. na naija we dey anything can happen. i no dey like hear or contribute to dis kain matter cos e too tire me.

DNA..
Confirm if the girl is yours. For them to be sleeping when ur girl is still suckling, They have started before she became pregnant and can not wait for the long break.

Sorry to break ur heart the more, your girl was topped up with that guy's semmen.

She will LIE to salvage as much as she can salvage so don't bliv any crap she tells u. Just go for DNA test.

And stop dt ur duaghter looks like ur mum and do DNA.

I once had a girlfriend that because of the closness, we look so much alike and I can't deny it. A lot of times, people bliv we are blood relations and at times we dnt bother disputing dt fact.

Do a DNA dnt raise a bastard.

Na wa o, some women sef.

How sweet was the 5ex that she had to keep doing it with a man that's not her husband while still bre*srtfeeding her baby?

I just pray the baby is yours o cos it would be more than painful if she's not. Just take heart my dear, I don't even know how to tell you to forgive that woman cos its really hard abeg.