Ok Tara this might sound mean but if I was there I would slap you. It does not seem like you are hearing what you are being told. Your husband is an idiot. He does not love you or deserve you. Get over him. Move on. What is all this talk about wanting him back. He does not want you. Pleae do not go commit suicide. You are not the first woman to be played and you will not be the last. I know I sound harsh but it is because I sense desperation from you. When you get that way you forget common sense and do drastic things. Leave him alone. He has made his choice. Even if he comes back do nto take him back. You are not even 30. You have a great life ahead of you. You have not even started living life. You will get throough this but you have to be strong. The woman he is with knows that he is married with a child and she is still doing what she is doing. That should tell you something about her character. She is not honourable and neither is your soon to be ex. I don't know how people could build a marriage on lies and deceit.

I won't give up because I know and I hope he is going through a phase. He misses home and he probably thinks going with her is going to cure his homesickness. I dont know. Is it because I am white that you are all saying I should be divorcing him. I may be white but that does automatically make any yoruba woman better than me!

His new woman is an asylum seeker? Ah, so you had this ace up your sleeve yet you carried on like you had no bargaining chip. Honestly, women surprise me sometimes. Forget cooking for him, learning his language or trying to become a Nigerian by force. . . it is time to think outside the box. You gotta set yourself apart from the rest, instead of trying to conform. . . show him how unique you are.

Do you have a guy friend or a brother who won't mind helping a foreigner get her papers via marriage? If you do, good. . . the sooner the better but if you don't, start looking, some of them will do it for money but I don't think this will be an issue for you seeing as you are working yourself to the bone. . . 80 to 90hrs, right? Perfect! I believe once you do this. . .  helping your husband's girlfriend get her papers, he'll know for sure that you love him. . . just in case marrying him at 17, having his baby, working 1000hrs a week to put a roof over his head, clothes on his back, food in his bottomless pit of a stomach, isn't enough proof that you. Trust me, it would put you back in the race, even on the lead for his affection coz the sad truth is not many Nigerian women will do that.

Good Luck!

Whether she is an asylum seeker or not, it dosen't matter. she has something that I will never have and that's her skin colour and where she is from(the exact same state as him) now what chance do i have? And as far as I can see that is all that matters to him! So much for who you are ,not what you are.

@ Outstrip
Whoa! Whoa! Lady what is you own? Slap ke?

Please don't be a daleru daleru ore Iyawo (please, don't ask me to translate) here oh.

Leave Tara and her husband alone.

tara85:

I won't give up because I know and I hope he is going through a phase. He misses home and he probably thinks going with her is going to cure his homesickness. I don't know. Is it because I am white that you are all saying I should be divorcing him. I may be white but that does automatically make any yoruba woman better than me!

Atta Girl!!! Stick to him baby, Stick to him like paper to glue,

Be on him like bee on honey, wherever he goeth, thou goeth

Whatever he asketh thou giveth. If he sayeth jump, thou asketh how high!!

LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO WAIT OUT THIS PHASE!!

And I mean literally wait. . .  drive him to his refugee girlfriend's camp

Then WAIT in the car for him to finish whatever.

He will be so happy, he's smile all the way back home. . . trust!

Hey Sis,

Let me ask a few questions please;

Have you bothered to learn his language?

Do you cook his meals?

Is the home one that invites him in or is there arguing and fighting?

I know this is a few of the pet peeves my neighbor has had with his wife.

Looks like you've been well-trained.  Sorry, only joking!  That said, good on you for learning everything about your hubby's culture and tradition.  It goes a long way in sealing the marriage. 




kiwi992.

Inter-racial this, inter-racial that. It hardly ever works.

Poster would have cursed anyone who tried to advise her earlier on. These things dont work! If you feel infatuated, enjoy it for a while and move on without killing your life with some inter-racial nonsense.

I've never been married but I hate the fact that this lady came to look for help with her marraige on nairaland and no one is encouraging her.

Poster, stick to your man, meet with his family, pray to whoever you believe in, try to please him, please do your best to make this marraige work. If not anything but for your son's sake. I also believe it's a phase he is going through, we all to through things. In my own case, for the past couple of weeks, I've dumped all my hip hop collection in favour of old Nigerian tunes,and this doesn't mean I won't ever come back to hip hop.

Sisikill you have to translate o.

Tara I don't care if you are white or bluish pink. I can see why he is the way he is, you helped him be that way. He read you like a book. He asked you to work 90 hours a week when you have a 4 year old at home. You keep saying you will fight for your man. Whose man? He is not your man. I won't even say anything else. Goodluck. Experience they say is the best teacher.

there is nothing wrong in trying to keep your marriage especially if there is a child or children involve. so try your best. remember, there is a limit to what you could do.

keep your sanity too. when you make up your mind to leave, do so.

When we first started seeing eachother, I asked him can I learn his language. He told me that that he didn't know it that well and that there is no point in me learning it anyway. He used to go to Nigerian parties without me. I used to ask him can i go to them so that I can have a chance to fit in more and wear my attire that my mother in law gave me as a gift. He said no i couldn't go to them as I wouldn't fit in. He used to go to an African church, again I asked can I go and it was always the same answer ' I wouldnt fit in'. I don't know if this is the same for everyone, but i felt very hurt. Was he ashamed to be married to a white woman?

tara85:

I can work up to 80/90hr weeks and I am afraid maybe that had something to do with it. When he came back from work, iwas going to work, but what option did I have. I couldn't let us starve and have no roof over our heads. We have a big mortgage to pay. His new woman dosen't work, she's an asylum seeker(so he told me). So she probably has all the time in the world to be on his beck and call. He told me to do extra hours at work for us to be a bit comfartable, now look where that has left us, another woman taking my place! I just don't know. Life is too tough! His mother told me that he complains  that he never sees me because of my workload but I'm doing it for our family's future. Is that an abomonation in Nigeria?

listen to me very carefully sister.  working hard is not an abomination anywhere and sad to say it has nothing to do with the situation you are in right now.  you must have the word balance and caution in your language or maybe forgot it. now this is the price you pay for throwing it to the wind.  there are some ugly nigerians sadly you found one. move on with your life and next time you see their brown teeth don't believe what you hear from them. habitual liars many of them are.

tara85:

He used to go to an African church, again I asked can I go and it was always the same answer '

you probably meant satans church. african should not have different bibles. God help him. most are God users & abuser they dont know God. they have no clue

if you both ever come together again, make sure you go with him to nig parties. as he dresses up, you dress up too and go with him even if heaven and hell fall down.

do not ever let him go there alone. all this dem brothers know how to make him feel one kin with their own traditional outfit ladies

no not the same. i know many mix marriages around. they go to nig parry with their wives. you could see their wives dressing up in nig clothings

am good at helping them with headties for their parry
the women feel so at home with everyone. some eating poundo yam and oxtail like no tmr

your man was just acting up

.

tara85:

Whether she is an asylum seeker or not, it dosen't matter. she has something that I will never have and that's her skin colour and where she is from(the exact same state as him) now what chance do i have? And as far as I can see that is all that matters to him! So much for who you are ,not what you are.

Tara, I'm starting to get the feeling you are not paying attention here!!  

Can you change your skin? NO

Can You reborn yourself as a Nigerian? NO

Is hope lost? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

Listen to me, I'm telling you, as a NIGERIAN GIRL who has walked past her share of NIGERIAN MEN, I can safely say I know what makes 'em tick. Nigerian men want to be with someone with initiative, someone who doesn't give up at the first sign of trouble, someone who is ready to dig her heels into the ground, tie her iro. . . oh wait, you don't wear Iro do you? Never mind that now, the point is you gotta show him you won't give up on your marriage and you will do ANYTHING to keep your Adonis of a husband.

Invite the refugee girl for dinner, that alone will put you on the fast track to being friends with her, you gotta imagine they don't feed them refugees well in those camps, so inviting her for a home cooked meal sure will be nice. After dinner, nonchalantly suggest she spend the night. . . while they are still reeling over this and trust me, they will be, like I told you earlier. . . not many Nigerian women will do this. Anyway, why they are still trying to get their thoughts together, BAM! You hit 'em with another one. . . they can have your bed!!

Oh Tara, your husband will wake up with a wide smile on his face and YOU will be thanked for it. That's the way you gotta play it, you can't change who you are but you can set yourself apart.

Some people would suggest you let her use your towel after the morning bath you draw for her but I think it's taking things too far. . . to a whole other level.  

PS
Being friends with the refugee girl is actually good for you. From the way you've been talking, I get the sense that you don't have many friends and women need friends, they do. . . to unburden their troubles to, you know what I mean? Be friends with her, tell her all your problems and seek her advice on how to get your husband  back and make sure you follow her words of wisdom, okay? Never joke with the wise words of a friend, especially one who is sleeping with your husband, obviously she knows him more than you do. . . you know, coz he wants to be with her, not you.

n-guage:

I've never been married but I hate the fact that this lady came to look for help with her marraige on nairaland and no one is encouraging her.

Poster, stick to your man, meet with his family, pray to whoever you believe in, try to please him, please do your best to make this marraige work. If not anything but for your son's sake. I also believe it's a phase he is going through, we all to through things. In my own case, for the past couple of weeks, I've dumped all my hip hop collection in favour of old Nigerian tunes,and this doesn't mean I won't ever come back to hip hop.

Excuse me? What do you mean no one is encouraging  her? Didn't you see where I wrote ATTA GIRL? Please rephrase you sentence abeg you with God.

Outstrip:

Sisikill you have to translate o.

Tara I don't care if you are white or bluish pink. I can see why he is the way he is, you helped him be that way. He read you like a book. He asked you to work 90 hours a week when you have a 4 year old at home. You keep saying you will fight for your man. Whose man? He is not your man. I won't even say anything else. Goodluck. Experience they say is the best teacher.

Ay! Okay, I will try. . . Daleru, daleru ore Iyawo means scatter house, scatter house friend of wife. Yep, that's what you are doing by telling her to think of herself, to have some self respect and self esteem. Seriously, what does it profit a woman to have all of that but lose a NAIJA MAN. . . A NAIJA MAN oh not just a MAN, A NAIJA MAN!!!

Stop Jealousing and leave her alone! Scatter house, Scatter house Friend of wife!

You sound ridiculous. Is the naija man God. What is so special about him that she should not have any self respect or self esteem. Is it not that lack of self esteem that she did not have in the first place that led her to make the choices she made. I hope you are playing sha. Naija man my ass. Like who gives a crap about a lying, cheating, irresponsible boy. Yeye. We have a close family friend that are going through this right now. She literally filled his papers for him to get his citizenship, all he basically did was sign the damn thing. They have a five year old son and she has been a good wife to him. Now he is a citizen and he wants to act stupid. She is white but she understands the culture and is respectful to his family. The only consolation here is that she has opened her eyes and thank God she has a wonderful job and does not need his money. Life goes on.

Did I read you right Sisikill? I should be friends with the woman who stole my husband? What? I should reveal my problems and innermost thoughts with her. So she can make a laughing stock out of me. God forbid. I don't know about that. I'm not that short of friends. Yes she knows who I am and what I look like and I am sure she knows how upset I am with her. For example, if I was the other woman I would keep well away from the wife for my own sake!! My husband is the kind of man that would find having the 2 of us in the same room as eachother a nightmare. I would certainly not like to be in the same room as her in case I'll do somethng I might regret!

tara85:

Did I read you right Sisikill? I should be friends with the woman who stole my husband? What? I should reveal my problems and innermost thoughts with her. So she can make a laughing stock out of me. God forbid. I don't know about that. I'm not that short of friends. Yes she knows who I am and what I look like and I am sure she knows how upset I am with her. For example, if I was the other woman I would keep well away from the wife for my own sake!! My husband is the kind of man that would find having the 2 of us in the same room as eachother a nightmare. I would certainly not like to be in the same room as her in case I'll do somethng I might regret!

Most of the responses you're getting might be because most people that responded may/might not have fallen in love/gotten married. I know how you feel. When a woman devotes herself to a man, it takes a lot for her to see beyond him.
You obviously started dating him at a young age. Thats probably y u think you can't/wont do without him. Its very difficult but you have to learn to let go. You will meet another men that will love you 10 times better. I would have asked you to hang in there but it seems he made up his mind about your relationship the day he travelled abroad. He probably needed you for papers. If he truly loved you, well i guess he no longer does.
A lesson to all women : If a man loves you, he will nottttt sleep around with another woman. In your case, he even knows you are aware. Apparently, he doesn't care about you.
I will advise you to take heart, divorce him and ensure you file for child support immediately. Let's see how much he'll have left to spend on his "wife from naija"

I wish i was close enough to hug you.

As much as i am opposed to inter-racial marriages I am a woman and feel so sorry for your hurt.

Your husband played you and now has what he wants and is on his way.

Does he have his final papers yet?

Yes he just got a 5 yrs residency a few months ago. I don't think that has anything to do with it though. He was going out with a few white women before he met me so if it was really for papers, he would've married the first white woman.

@ poster

I wonder how many other women will buy that crap called culture factor. Aren't you a human being and don't you deserve to be loved? What makes you think a Nigerian woman is better than you or why do you allow a man to make you feel worse than them?

It's high time these westerners started getting educated. i am sick and tired of having crying white women flocking around the froum.

tara85 is just too gullible.

tara85:

Yes he just got a 5 years residency a few months ago. I don't think that has anything to do with it though. He was going out with a few white women before he met me so if it was really for papers, he would've married the first white woman.

Sweetie you may have been the first to say yes.  But I dont live with you and I cant read his mind so i am just an outsider looking in.

So now that he has has residency does he not need you for anything anymore.  Addtionally are you sure he just met this woman 6 months ago or did she just come there six months ago.  Is he able to marry her and make her legal?

Was this his plan all along?

Outstrip:

You sound ridiculous. Is the naija man God. What is so special about him that she should not have any self respect or self esteem. Is it not that lack of self esteem that she did not have in the first place that led her to make the choices she made. I hope you are playing sha. Naija man my ass. Like who gives a crap about a lying, cheating, irresponsible boy. Yeye. We have a close family friend that are going through this right now. She literally filled his papers for him to get his citizenship, all he basically did was sign the damn thing. They have a five year old son and she has been a good wife to him. Now he is a citizen and he wants to act stupid. She is white but she understands the culture and is respectful to his family. The only consolation here is that she has opened her eyes and thank God she has a wonderful job and does not need his money. Life goes on.

Excuse me? What do you mean is the Naija man God? Before I laugh, my dear tell me where you are from because you are obviously not Nigerian. Lmao! See me see trouble with this question. . . is the Naija man God? I won't even dignify that with an answer ^{. *Long hissss*}

Keep telling her to respect herself, not commit suicide over her Naija man or to put herself first, when she loses her Naija husband, both your eyes will open and Sisikill will be here to do "ooooobi' to you.  

Is Naija man God? All sorts I read on this Nairaland! I'm even getting angry sef, where are the Niaja men to defend themselves now? I can't do this alone oh. . . Mr. Goodwin or is Goodman, where are you? Please come and tell these small girls whats what.

tara85:

Did I read you right Sisikill? I should be friends with the woman who stole my husband? What? I should reveal my problems and innermost thoughts with her. So she can make a laughing stock out of me. God forbid. I don't know about that. I'm not that short of friends. Yes she knows who I am and what I look like and I am sure she knows how upset I am with her. For example, if I was the other woman I would keep well away from the wife for my own sake!! My husband is the kind of man that would find having the 2 of us in the same room as eachother a nightmare. I would certainly not like to be in the same room as her in case I'll do somethng I might regret!

Who dares make a laughing stock out of you??!! The better question is, what is there to make a laughing stock out of?

You are. . .
A woman who is working herself to the bone trying to make money for her family and still takes care of her 4 years old son
A woman married to a man who does not respect you enough to want to be seen with you at parties and at church,
A Woman hanging on to a man who makes no secret he does not want you and would rather be with a woman who speaks his language, even though he told you it didn't matter.
A woman who is considerate enough to avoid being in the same room as her husband's mistress because it would be hard on him^(Awww)

YOU ARE THE PERFECT WIFE FOR A NAIJA MAN and nobody will make you laughing stock. . . not when you are doing what you do very well!

My Dear Tara, don't start thinking of yourself now. You've come this far, don't ruin by getting all. . .  I'm a human being too, treat me right!

I've said my own!

A-town:

Most of the responses you're getting might be because most people that responded may/might not have fallen in love/gotten married. I know how you feel. When a woman devotes herself to a man, it takes a lot for her to see beyond him.
You obviously started dating him at a young age. Thats probably y u think you can't/wont do without him. Its very difficult but you have to learn to let go. You will meet another men that will love you 10 times better. I would have asked you to hang in there but it seems he made up his mind about your relationship the day he travelled abroad. He probably needed you for papers. If he truly loved you, well i guess he no longer does.
A lesson to all women : If a man loves you, he will nottttt sleep around with another woman. In your case, he even knows you are aware. Apparently, he doesn't care about you.
I will advise you to take heart, divorce him and ensure you file for child support immediately. Let's see how much he'll have left to spend on his "wife from naija"

Mr. man, I think you are confusing the issue here oh. People are asking her to STICK TO THE MAN TILL THE END, isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Seriously, this is getting confusing. . . When a woman is being maltreated by her husband and someone tells she doesn't have to take it, that she should leave, people jump that person's throat, they tell the abused spouse not to listen to this pack your bag and go person, she does not know what she is talking about, she's never being married and she knows nothing about marriage, they say. Now we are telling this one to stay, not to budge, to lay down the mat for the husband's girlfriend at the foot of their bed and here you come saying she shouldn't listen because we are not married and we know nothing about marriage.

Please which is it? 

Abi are your trying to tell us ONE DOES NOT NEED TO BE MARRIED to know what's wrong is wrong and what is right is right? I hope not oh because I don't think I can adjust my mentality. . . that quickly.

Sisikill you still sound ridiculous. I am nigerian and so is my husband. Born and raised. You think you are doing nigerian men a favor. You are basically saying that they are dogs and not much should be expected from them. It has to be a joke. The next time we hear someone tell this story it will be by a foreigner that will say something like all nigerian men are dogs and even their women say so. Well my husband is not a dog. He was not a dog when I met him and he will never be a dog. I was not a LovePeddler before I met my husband so I did not settle for a LovePeddler. Give this advice to anybody you know that does not deserve happiness and peace in her home. She is not what a nigerian man needs, she is what a loser needs. The sad part is that even if she ends up with a white guy she will pick one with the same characteristics. She has no self esteem and you seem to think that it is a plus for a woman to be brainless. I feel even more sorry for you because even the Tara herself is now telling you that your head no correct.

Well obviously your husband has some foreign blood in him and you probably don't know about it.

What exactly has this man done that hasn't been done before? He has a girlfriend? Oookay. He doesn't respect his wife? Oh that's a new one. . . NOT! So what is the big deal? Please don't push me into cutting and pasting article about men from other countries.

Comparison is always to best defense. . .  I learnt that on Nairaland.

ROTFLMAO. You just made my day. In one sentence you said my husband has some foreign blood in him (still making your point that it is impossible to have an honest, good nigerian man out there) then in another you say that you want to compare all men to drive your point home. You are confusing yourself. You can compare if you want. There is no such thing as a perfect human being (man or woman) but there is such a thing as respect, compassion, mutual understanding. He is not an honourable man. He is not worth fighting for period.

What I really want is advice from nigeian men because they are the only ones who are the closest to knowing whats going on in my husband's head!

tara, I'm from Ireland.  Any party my husband goes to I am ALWAYS brought and it shoudl have been the same for you.  he could already be married to this lady (in Nigeria or even another jurisdiction) for quite some time. Did he ever travel to Nigeria without you?  he has gotten his five year residency permit- perfect timing hey. On another note you said he dated other white girls so what? they didnt marry him as fast as you did obviously. You shoudl tell the immigration and get his visa revoked. You tell the immigration your marriage is no longer subsisting. Do this ASAP.

To me it seems as though this was his idea all along and now he is using race as an excuse!

Only God knows how long he has known this woman! he coudl have been engaged to her all along and his family are being nice to you because they knew of the plan also. Not that familiar with UK immigration law, I don't think he would as of yet be naturalised. So, now is the time to put a stop to that. As I have said if he loved you he woudl not do that to your heart, why hurt your heart like that? its just not fair.