From my perspective, the OP is right somewhat, but not wholly. His fault is making it a 'cross-gender' related issue only. The scenarios he painted happens to same-gender friendships too.

The unadulterated truth is, whether male or female, immediately I found my efforts in a relationship are not reciprocated, and after SEVERAL tries, my friend (bestie or not, male or female) is not willing to reciprocate my efforts, I distance myself away from him or her.

If I'm best friends with a girl, and we used to be close, like super close; then all of a sudden she gets a BF and stop talking to me or distance herself away from me (not necessarily hang out with me all the time, because I understand she has a BF now and needs to spend time with him more than with me), if I bring her attention to it and she doesn't change, I'll distance myself from her too, not because she refused to date me (when I never wooed her nor had any intention to), but because I treat people the way they treat me. Same thing applies to my male friends too. My first best friend was a male, we grew up together, but immediately he hit the jackpot and started following new 'clique' and stopped reaching out to me, I stopped reaching out to him too. That's life. I treat people the way they treat me, simples.

Cross-gender friendships can work if you guys clearly define what you both want and if there are no romantic feelings attached (but if there'll be one, let it be reciprocal), but I admit, it's hard and rare, but not impossible. The problem is:

1. People go into such friendships with the hidden intention of dating the girl or boy. Note: Always know what you want and don't overstep it if you can't bear the consequence.

2. Feelings might develop along the way and since it might not be reciprocated it, it'll hurt the partner that have the feelings when his/her bestie finds a lover.

3. And most importantly, people place too much importance/expectations on other people and when the people fail to live up to that expectations, it hurts. As for me, dating or friendship, I treat you how you treat me. I'll never force any friendship, male or female. If you distance yourself away from me, I keep you at arm's length and move on.

Just because a couple of men can't control their emotions enough to stay as friends doesn't mean women can't. And just because women who don't understand why it's impossible for a man to stay best mates with them try to salvage the situation, doesn't make them selfish. It's simply your incapability; other men(albeit few) can do what you can't handle.


People who can't handle cross-gender friendships should just stick with their sex until they want to get married or whatever.

opylas:

Bruh, we talking 'close' here, nt 'best', thr's a big difference. Being close friends wt sm1 is deeper. It's @ very few tyms d@ we have our best friends 2 also b our closest friends. U tend 2 hv 'quarrels' (nt d one u'r thinkin. I jst cldn't find any word less 'revealing' 2 put in its place) wt ur closest female friend dan u wld ur best female friend.

I knew wat I was saying wen I said most guys will tell u dey can only b friends wt girls, & nothing more; not best friends or close friends. Really, I dn't knw if u get me, do u?

And I'm telling you we're more than 'close' sef. I've told her things I can't even tell my hommies. A girl I once dated, she 'checked' her out and advised me to go for her. And no, I was NEVER attracted to her. As a matter of fact, we went for a parties, and I've never 'rocked' her and dance 'sexily' with her. Doing that is a waste of time because I'll never get turned on. She'd have been my bestie till now but we lost contact when she travelled out. Bruh, I'm telling you, there's a girl(not necessarily your bestie) out there amongst your friends, that you will never touch even if she's nakéd. At least there is, for me.

uchennn:
from your comment, I can say you are ugly.

Na only you get your mouth. Judge of beauty and ugliness.

McWhillion:
chai, are you talking to me?

Lol. Just saying generally o.

ERTHAENIGMA:
anytime 'bro' ?. Hahahahahahahahaha
a nigga just got 'bro-zoned'

hahaha. He z my brother o. Can't you see we look alike?

ERTHAENIGMA:
which extra mile biko? A research was conducted and it was revealed that for every girl 'friend-zoned' 93.8 guy were 'friend-zoned'. That is approximately 94guys. You go see only 1 girl go 'friend-zone' like 4guys. The magas too go dey hope say the chikala go gree for them one day. Mtcheew

Doesn't mean we should ignore that one.

ihedinobi2:
I think it is probably girls' capacity for self-deception especially where emotions are concerned that makes it seem easier for them. I've heard and seen girls behave in weird and really bizarre ways when they somehow lose some "just a friend" guy . In addition, girls are the more selfish of the two genders. So they tend to take advantage of stuff that's favorable to them while paying little heed to what it costs to provide those favors.

Also, men are wired to provide and be the hero so they can give a lot without expecting much back but when it becomes customary and in fact a matter of reflex that a guy will drop everything and come running when a particular girl calls, he's being more than an exemplary gentleman, wittingly or not. A guy does not assume that much responsibility for a girl without becoming emotionally attached to her. It's the stuff of marriage.

@the embolden, you might be right though, but I think it's partially why. I believe another aspect is the fact that the ladies are the ones being wooed and so have more 'options' unlike the men.

the main problem is the 'mindset' the men (this topic is about men's perspective) have before being 'best friends' with the opposite gender. There'd be hurts if the guy in question had an ulterior motive of dating the girl while using the facade of 'besties' and the girl turns him down. It dumbness. Sometimes the feelings might not be there initially, but when it grows, if the guy can't suppress it, then woo her and let her know your feelings, if she says no, move on but still be her friend.

I've once been a friend with a girl, along the line I fell for her, wooed her and she turned me down. I moved on, and till now, we're good friends. So always know your priority, if it's to date her, let her know, if it's strictly platonic, you both should have it at the back of your minds.

If I bring too much to the table in a friendship and it's not reciprocated as the OP detailed out, I'll take a walk. shikena

uj_sizzle: @Jay bee You might want to explain this a little better
But let me just say that I take people as they come. No expectations, no special friendship rule book, nothing. If you prove to be someone I can depend on for something or the other, fine. If you remember to even think about me despite whatever you're going through in your own life, I'll be grateful for that. I just believe that most of our dissatisfaction from people stem from expectations we place on them, then we feel hurt and neglected when they don't measure up.

You basically said you have different friends that perform specific role plays so i was wondering how they will feel if they know that's perhaps the likely purpose of the friendship

Nairaland is back, Osewa is recording increased traffic and soon, revenue will start flowing in. Only that those who make the traffic don't get appreciated. Now to the topic, u meet a girl for the first time, you have a good conversation with her, you decide to extend the friendship to see where it'll lead you (by her actions, she agrees), you spend the resources at first trying to keep the bond stronger each day. Then she starts acting like its your responsibility to maintain the friendship. And you remind her, politely that its a two way thing only for her to tell you that she doesn't have 20 naira to make a minute call or 4 naira to send a text message at most once in a month. She also forgets that you're struggling to keep up. Someone has no air time but she's on whatsapp and bbm but finds it extremely difficult to say 'hi' via social media. So when u lock up, she'll say you're stingy, inconsiderate and selfish! Imagine!

chuxyz: A guy who must be married by now or at least have a cool babe over there and just want to keep in touch with old friends how do you expect him to show awkwardness? If care is not taken sef you are the one pushing yourself to him cos ihn deh canada. Girls eh una too longer-throat o. See as you mention the canada sef. If una just see men wey deh abroad na so body go deh shack una. Must you tell us he is in canada by the way? If you are in Lagos and he is in Aba would you ve given us that detail? O girl! Pack well o

What did I write and what is this one saying?

*claps hands* Chineeeke!

See as inferiority complex dey wound you. Abeg park well and stop ranting like a hag on her period. Oyingbo motor park tout.

jay bee:
You basically said you have different friends that perform specific role plays so i was wondering how they will feel if they know that's perhaps the likely purpose of the friendship

I think you misunderstood me then. Different people have different things to offer, not what we mandate them to offer. I learn to recognise what each friend can contribute to our friendship(if anything at all), and never expect anymore from them.
Like I said the expectations--the tails-- are what breeds dissatisfaction.
I know not to think A will understand when I'm emotionally down and just need peace and quiet, but B will get the message. I know not to expect B to be particularly chatty when i feel like it too.

It may seem like a calculated attempt to take advantage of people, but it isn't. People are people, and each has something unique. It's your duty as a friend to discover what that is, and build enough trust that the individuals involved understand that you will never take undue advantage of them. And to understand that it may be difficult if not impossible for them to give back more than they can offer.

m-ployer:
There is no balanced friendship anywhere even within the same gender, but the reality is that the gap widens in cross-gender, and mostly in favour of women. We all met it that way and some of us are cool with it, lol.

True that. Ladies hold the KEY most of the time when it comes to relationship and séx. It's a natural phenomenon, and I'm cool with it. In cross-gender relationship, men fall for the ladies more than the ladies do, for the men. Nothing will ever change that.

donroxy: You might not have been closer enough especially physically i.e maybe both of you have been relating more virtually since childhood , also, Family ties which made him/you sees you/him as his Sister/brother.

Also, it depends on the Personality of both of you ......... ..... But where cross gender friendship actually fulfils what friendship is all about , psycologically , one of them will actually wanna take it to another level .


I usually define limits for my female friends because Majority of them usually endeavor to take it to another level and I think the fault is always mine cuz I usually give them what they can't even get from their boo with no string attached ....

The next thing they wanna do is to legitimise my humbleness ..... .... Or nurture ill feelings for you when you humbly reject such offer !!

You might be right, but funny enough we have no familial ties. I have tried to imagine what a relationship with him will be like, but it ended feeling very...odd. We hung out a lot, visited each other in our houses, sometimes went for events together. When I'm with him, its like I'm with a girlfriend.

The truth is that it is very possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex without it turning to something else.

uj_sizzle: ...just because women who don't understand why it's impossible for a man to stay best mates with them try to salvage the situation, doesn't make them selfish. It's simply your incapability; other men(albeit few) can do what you can't handle.


People who can't handle cross-gender friendships should just stick with their sex until they want to get married or whatever.

"Selfish" isn't as derogatory a term as you may consider it. A selfish person is more protective of their interests than of others. They make good stewards. Women were designed to be more "inward-looking" than men so that someone would watch the other's back while that other is doing the "outward-looking" stuff. If women were not more selfish, no one would man the home or mind the kids. Men are the ones who bring the world home to the family and take the family out to meet the world so they are more open to exploitation.

Perhaps there really are men who make close friends over long stretches of time without getting emotionally involved but I've never met one. And those whom I have seen that claimed immunity soon behaved like the girls I described when the chips went down.

Are cross-gender friendships possible? They are. But if we're talking about the degree of involvement in the op and the kind that the ladies here have been very vocal about, no, it's not. Guys can only be that close to fellow guys. When they get that close to girls, emotions are always involved, at least, for them until something more shiny or distracting takes their attention. It's the same for girls except that guys tend to be more honest about their situation than girls are.

By the way, I do have female friends but every time that I've got that close, emotions have always erupted on one side or the other. And I've never seen different from anybody else.

Guidette:
He isn't my type either. And he knows it. It is even evident by the guys I date. Plus I would have told him a long time ago that I was interested in him. I am frank with people and I am not shy. Least of all with him.

so how are you friends with someone who isn't your type and you are not gis type either. nawa oh. people sha. personally I can't be friends with even guys who are not my type. I select my friends specially. there must be alot of tins we have in common before we can be friends. like some said there must be common interest(not just one but many common interest)

Ishilove:
You might be right, but funny enough we have no familial ties. I have tried to imagine what a relationship with him will be like, but it ended feeling very...odd. We hung out a lot, visited each other in our houses, sometimes went for events together. When I'm with him, its like I'm with a girlfriend.

The truth is that it is very possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex without it turning to something else.

Maybe the guy is gay. Just saying

jay bee:
You basically said you have different friends that perform specific role plays so i was wondering how they will feel if they know that's perhaps the likely purpose of the friendship

Personally for me, if I was in their (the males with different roles to play) shoes, I'll feel bad.

hmmmmm...

It wud work if u av so mani of dem(female friends). If you have jes a close one,jelousy and selfishness sets in. But advisably,u cn av a close female friend that is much older than u.that would definately work.

In my own opinion from my the little experience from being friends with a few girls...the female friends like their male counterpart to demand for sex, then they can say no without hurting him and still retain their friendship.....they like clearin that aspect....

Very informative, educating and insightful post. I hope every male and female that reads this learns from it. Will sure share it cos it deserves to.

Funny enough, I remember one funny adage my mom always use to explain this topic: “goat and yam don't stay in same barn”

imustsaymymindo: It wud work if u av so mani of dem(female friends). If you have jes a close one,jelousy and selfishness sets in. But advisably,u cn av a close female friend that is much older than u.that would definately work.

What if the older female friend was a hottie?

Jennifer Lopez
Just turned 45

Shakira
37 years


Jennifer Aniston
45 years


Beyoncé Knowles
32 years

All look amazing

Mr Renaissance: Personally for me, if I was in their (the males with different roles to play) shoes, I'll feel bad.

Actually it's the painful truth . Everybody has a role to play in our life.
As a girl I have some male friends that will always want me to come around and cook for them. To me its not a big deal. Just do the things you can for your friends and be happy because it's a small world

texanomaly:

What if the older female friend was a hottie?

Jennifer Lopez
Just turned 45

Shakira
37 years


Jennifer Aniston
45 years


Beyoncé Knowles
32 years

All look amazing

well, what are friends for? But srzly, my point is that since she is older,you would have the opportunity to be on the receiving end too 2ru advice,money etc. Not u doin evryfin

...the truth is: most times, people (male and female) take advantage of their opposite sex casual friends; so its always a parasitic relationship with one party benefiting more to the detriment of the other party.

“Yam and goat can't stay in same barn without the goat eating the yam...and if the goat stays in same ban with yam and refuses to eat the yam, then the yam isn't edible or the goat is sick”

From my xprence, I've many female friends...and 80% of them seem to be parasitic cos they give back nothing compared to my own contribution in their lives...and this has been bothering me and I want to stop being friends with females to avoid the parasitic friendship...but most times, they indirectly push u into it cos of the benefits they know they would gain from u even when u want to withdraw. Women shaa...pls try and be giving back to your so-called male friends who aren't interested in sex; just try...it mustnt be sex, give back in other ways.

softsparky:
Actually it's the painful truth . Everybody has a role to play in our life.
As a girl I have some male friends that will always want me to come around and cook for them. To me its not a big deal. Just do the things you can for your friends and be happy because it's a small world

Your role is defined between you two, so it's not a problem. But what of you are friends with someone and your job unbeknownst to you is to be for example, assist him financially, other than that, he won't remember you. He only remembers you when your 'role' of assisting him financially arises after which he forgets about you till next 'financial assistance' situation arises. if you happen to find out later or if such roles was undefined, would you not feel bad about it? That's what we're trying to point out.

Mr Renaissance: Your role is defined between you two, so it's not a problem. But what of you are friends with someone and your job unbeknownst to you is to be for example, assist him financially, other than that, he won't remember you. He only remembers you when your 'role' of assisting him financially arises after which he forgets about you till next 'financial assistance' arises, if you happen to find out or if such roles was undefined, would you not feel bad about it? That's what we're trying to point out.

That person is not a friend but a parasite.

Mr Renaissance: And I'm telling you we're more than 'close' sef. I've told her things I can't even tell my hommies. A girl I once dated, she 'checked' her out and advised me to go for her. And no, I was NEVER attracted to her. As a matter of fact, we went for a parties, and I've never 'rocked' her and dance 'sexily' with her. Doing that is a waste of time because I'll never get turned on. She'd have been my bestie till now but we lost contact when she travelled out. Bruh, I'm telling you, there's a girl(not necessarily your bestie) out there amongst your friends, that you will never touch even if she's nakéd. At least there is, for me.

Wow! What's it called then? 'Respect 4 her?'

Here's wat I'm tryna say: nt a hair on ur skin felt anything thruout ur frndshp days, good. Bt wat abt her? Hw sure r u she neva felt anything? Hw sure r u d@ evn d hairs d@ wld l8r grow on her skin felt sth bfr they evn came up? Jst hw sure r u?? She myt hv felt sth bt neva did say anything cos u were 'too good' 4 her nd chickened out. She evn myt hv had many oda r'zns. Rememba we'r nt looking @ ds issue isn't guy-sided. U may hv b insensitive, u knw.

I guess m saying all ds cos I'v bn a victim, nd thr was nothing wrong wt me-I was 'mature' enough 2 hv handled things nd deciphered if twas jst me tryin 2 take advantage of d whole thing, bt bruh, it was far more dan dat. Infact, if I was 2 grade her wen we started out as friends, she'd b 2 outta 10. It jst got 2 a point I felt I had polished her well enough nd no 1 cld b more ryt 4 me. 'm sure sm guys in ds shoe wld also say dey cldn't let sm oda dude frm smwhr 'wear' d shoe dey 'polished' evn if wyl polishing, they didn't think they'd one day feel d shoe wld b their 'size' and want 2 put it on.

PS: D polishing here doesn't necessarilt mean buying her stuff or spending ur cash on her, bt increasing her values nd standard as a lady. I knw most NLanders will confuse dat, bt I trust u understnd.

softsparky:
That person is not a friend but a parasite.

Now you get the drift. That's why I always said, once I find out, I walk away or treat the person the same way he or she is treating me.

BigBen10:

so how are you friends with someone who isn't your type and you are not gis type either. nawa oh. people sha. personally I can't be friends with even guys who are not my type. I select my friends specially. there must be alot of tins we have in common before we can be friends. like some said there must be common interest(not just one but many common interest)

I meant the type of person i would be attracted to physically or sexually. It is not that hard. :-/

ERTHAENIGMA:
i'm sure that's what you tell yourself. But it's the truth. You are one of those girls that'd be like. 'i never knew i had feelings for him until he blah blah blah. I'm not blaming you. That sh*t is hard-wired into your DNA. 6yrs and no single strand of romantic affection? Abegi!

Are you telling me there are girls that you are friends with that you are not remotely attracted to? Sigh. I think it is high time i stopped explaining myself