*Hauwa*:

girl, once your paycheck starts coming in, let that business go! ask him to run the business himself. if clients turn away from him, that is his problem, not your worries, at least you'd have enough for you and your daughter.

shine ya eyes girl, and start being omo gbono gbono.

Hmmmmmmm!

@ Mama Kadijat,
Good to hear that you took a big step to challenge him and tell him how it should be henceforth! It is surely the right step in the right direction. I pray you have the strength to walk it through and walk it well. It is not an easy step and there would be moments of sober reflections, but in it all remember, you are doing it for the best of you to come and more importantly for your daughter.

You have a good heart - keep it going well for you.

@ Pataki,

stop the 'hmmmm' you've been doing eh?

@ *Hauwa*

I wish I could.

How are you doing anyways?

Thanks again for all you guys well-wishing. Again, I don't think I really could have done it without you-all my family and friends wanted to coddle me and handle me with kid gloves but you guys gave it to me straight-straight! LOL!
The drama isn't over yet though yall, I still have to find out if I'm pregnant.

It's too early to tell right now-I think I have about 1 more week before I can buy a pregnancy test. I think the symptoms I'm experiencing may just be sympathy pains for one of my close friends who is pregnant. Pray for me, guys.

4 pages, what a pity party

another wicked product ( son) of a society that believes  telling lies to get anything  you want isnt too bad.

God have mercy on all of us.

IyaKadijat:

I know you guys wanted an update so let me tell you what you guys gave me the strength to do:

Today he requested that I pick him up from where he was stranded at a car rental place. So I did-only if he promised to give me some money. When I got there, I didn't say anything to him, I just kept my eyes on the road. He kept trying to make small talk with me, but I only gave him 1 word answers. When we were almost to where he lived, he said "Why are we in such a rush to get me home? I thought you were going to drive me to your house?" I looked him dead in his eye and said "Not only can you not come into my house, but give me back my key." He hesitated for a moment and said "fine" and took the key off his keychain. 

I then said "You are a married man. Let me repeat that for you: A MARRIED MAN. And no offense, but I don't mess with married men. It is against my religion and against my morals-you will not be the exception just because you are the father of my child. You will not have your cake and eat it too at my expense. You keep saying you love me-love wouldn't do what you did to me. That sounds more like hate to me-so you can save all the 'I love you's' for YOUR WIFE. It was messed up how you ended things, but the fact is you are married and I have to accept and respect that."

At that point, we pulled up to his house and I asked for him to send my daughter downstairs, stepped out the car, smoothed my clothes out, put my sunglasses on(and of course I looked like a million bucks today with my cute skirt and high-heel pumps on) and looked him up and down and said "Besides, do I look like I need to mess with a married man? Pu-leeeze!" Oh My God! You should have seen how tight his face was! LOL! I'm not going to lie, I got a great deal of satisfaction from that and I feel really liberated yall!

Just wanted to let yall know while I was saying all of that, all of you guys lecturing and advice popped up in my head and it really helped me out. THANK YOU!   

@ so sad all this happened. you now know why at 21 your parents felt you were too young to make these heavy decisions.

the earlier you cut out this looser the better for you and your daughter.  why did you think a man that can deceive you for 8yrs cant pull another one on you?. i dont like the idea of you allowing your girl stay with these people.  no one is  saying dont let the girl see her sad dad  but living with them permanently is a BADDDD decision in my opinion

you wont like this i  sincerely pray God forgive you  too because you were both in a relationship you had no business being and sinning sleeping together.  no one can judge you we are all human we sin daily  but we all need to learn that every actions we take contrary to God's word almost always end in nightmares like this.

we all need to go back on our knees and stop creating children out of wedlock.  we will not get away with living the way we are yet expecting a better world.

good luck to you and your girl may God's grace be available to you both.

by the way is this ugly brother also religious too?
knowing nigerian women like i do the woman was righteously waiting for him this past 8 yrs. hope he is worth the troubles coming

unfaded:

4 pages, what a pity party

yes a pity party mostly created by another ugly lying NIGERIAN black man.  I JUST WISH YOU WERE UNDER AGE TO GET PEOPLE LIKE HIM LOCKED UP.  HE DEFINATELY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A YOUNG WOMAN

IyaKadijat:

Thank you for your concern, but I highly doubt he can or even has the ability to do something like that. I still hold all his business dealings, correspondence and clients-so it wouldn't be wise for him financially. Even to today he depends on me to run his business and can't do something as simple as talk to his attorney regarding business matters-that has always been my role. And the cool thing about being with someone for so long is that you were their confidant-I got so much dirt on him, they would revoke his citizenship and deport his behind if he EVER tried to play me that way!

Trust me, I am thinking more clearly now than I have ever in the past 8 years. The only reason my daughter is with him is because he left me with very little money and my 1st paycheck isn't for 2 weeks, so frankly I don't have enough gas money to bring her back and forth to school plus make it to and fro work everyday as of yet. Plus, while I live a good 15 minute drive from her school, he lives right around the corner.

She will be back home in 19 days-that's when school is out for the summer.

Sweetheart, I am not saying that you don't know this guy, but let's review a little: 

1.  You met him at 21.  He was 33.  He was older and misused your trust.  I am sure he is probably the only man you have really known at 21.  At 21, I am sure you gave your all to this relationship.    The reason you were not able to see what was happening to you was because he endeared himself to you at an age before you were worldly and wise.  Please know that your perception of him is partly based upon what he did to you at such a young age.  I know you feel you know him, but his actions in recent weeks should tell you that you only know what he let you know.  You hardly know this man at all.  Make sure that you make every decision with this fact in mind.

2.  You lived with him at a very young age.  I know that you felt he is your Baba, and that he also was like your husband.  I have no doubt that you were like a wife to him.  But know this and remind yourself of this one fact.  He was NOT your husband.  Did you ever wonder why he never married you after 8 years and a baby?  I am not trying to pour salt in the wound or make you feel poorly about yourself, but I am trying to get you to see things plainly.  Stop acting like this man ever did anything for you without an ulterior motive.  I am not saying that there was not care and consideration on some level; but remind yourself that he had to have been calculating these things all along.  This will help you not to fall back into feeling sorry for him.  Why did you have to pick him up at the car rental facility?  I know your daughter is there now, but hey, did he think of your being or the well being of your daughter when he brought his wife here?

3.  He has played on your view of yourself as a "nice" person to do his dirty work.  You state that this wife of his can not speak English and you helped enroll in a class for this.  He picked you for your youth and your kindness.  He used you as a tool.  He does things to you banking on the fact that you will not strike back.  I know you have changed all the passwords and that you all have struck an agreement regarding his business.  I understand why you two did this, but dear, did you receive a salary while running his business?  I can guarantee you did not.  Do you think that you were/are not worthy of remuneration for all the work you have done to date?  Even if he loses your work in the business and has to hire someone to take over your responsibilities, he has gotten a windfall from you for all the years of service he has received from you in this business. Why are you begging pennies from him when you kept up with the adminstrative end of the business? He OWES you more than this. Why are you begging when his wife comes here and gets designer clothes off the sweat of YOUR brow?  He did this to you because he knew you would think this was the "right" thing to do, all the while knowing he was wrong.

4.  All this being said, do you really think he believes that you would use the dirt you have on him to go to immigration?  I am not saying that you won't go there if you have to, but dear, he will never really think you will do it.  He has operated all along based upon his belief that you will go along with what is "nice" or "right." 

5.  One last thing you must consider, you stated that you grew up without your dad.  I believe this probably helped you to choose this older man at such a tender age in the first place.  I am from a divorced home myself, and though we saw my father all the time, it is not the same as having him there.  It makes you look for a replacement in a man sometimes.  Please keep your head clear.  I am not telling you to keep your daughter from him but I am saying, use your head.

I am glad you are getting your strength back.  You are gonna need it.  You are in for the fight of your life.  Be real with yourself as to where you are.  I can recount numerous stories of people who thought they "knew" their significant others, but when it came to child custody issues, they found out they did not know one another at all.  I am pleading with you so that you will not  unwittingly cause yourself more heartache and pain. 

I really do wish you the very very best.  Please, PLEASE, get your daughter back asap.

as much as i feel sorry for this woman, i think she's the architect of her misfortune, these foreign women always fall for the oldest trick in the book.the man just used her to get his papers-all of you who have being giving her advice know one or two people who go to the US, marry some broad and divorce her after getting his green card, funny enough with the consent of their wives back home.
@poster,
you knew he was married, with kids,
you took another man's wife, now she has taken her'thing" back,
the man maybe a monster but you're not innocent to-you were the other woman.
you have made mistakes but its good you're tryin to move on,
but the question is do you really want to move on? or perharps you're dreaming he might come to his "senses"

unfaded:

as much as i feel sorry for this woman, i think she's the architect of her misfortune, these foreign women always fall for the oldest trick in the book.the man just used her to get his papers-all of you who have being giving her advice know one or two people who go to the US, marry some broad and divorce her after getting his green card, funny enough with the consent of their wives back home.@poster,
you knew he was married, with kids,
you took another man's wife, now she has taken her'thing" back,
the man maybe a monster but you're not innocent to-you were the other woman.
you have made mistakes but its good you're tryin to move on,
but the question is do you really want to move on? or perharps you're dreaming he might come to his "senses"

Sweetheart-pay attention-he NEVER married me. He had his greencard already as he came to this country with the greencard lottery-which is one of the reasons I think I fell so deeply for him because once I realized he wasn't after me for a greencard, I felt like I could trust him. And I had NO IDEA he was married-if I did, I definitely would not have been with him so long and wasted so much of my life with him. And I have moved on-it's only been 29 days since this happened, so I think I'm doing pretty well considering the circumstances. You my dear, just seem to be another one of those bitter Naijas who think the AA woman is out to get your men-trust me-had I known all this crap about him before hand I wouldn't have wasted my time, and I resent that you would say I knew already.

please dump this guy before he dumps you!

Its only a matter of time.

Dont say you werent warned.

a naija man who is the cheating type, rarely cheats with just one woman!

I only read the first page of this thread and I'm not surprised by your stay fast attitude.

JJYOU:

another wicked product ( son) of a society that believes  telling lies to get anything  you want isnt too bad.

God have mercy on all of us.
@ so sad all this happened. you now know why at 21 your parents felt you were too young to make these heavy decisions.
the earlier you cut out this looser the better for you and your daughter.  why did you think a man that can deceive you for 8yrs cant pull another one on you?. i dont like the idea of you allowing your girl stay with these people.  no one is  saying dont let the girl see her sad dad  but living with them permanently is a BADDDD decision in my opinion

you wont like this i  sincerely pray God forgive you  too because you were both in a relationship you had no business being and sinning sleeping together.  no one can judge you we are all human we sin daily  but we all need to learn that every actions we take contrary to God's word almost always end in nightmares like this.

we all need to go back on our knees and stop creating children out of wedlock.  we will not get away with living the way we are yet expecting a better world.

good luck to you and your girl may God's grace be available to you both.

by the way is this ugly brother also religious too?
knowing nigerian women like i do the woman was righteously waiting for him this past 8 yrs. hope he is worth the troubles coming yes a pity party mostly created by another ugly lying NIGERIAN black man.  I JUST WISH YOU WERE UNDER AGE TO GET PEOPLE LIKE HIM LOCKED UP.  HE DEFINATELY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A YOUNG WOMAN

Thank you for that. But both my parents were never really there for me. I've been on my own since I was 17 years old-my Mom chose her husband over her kids and eventually kicked both of us out for no reason. I guess she was just done with being a mother, who knows? She was only 14 when she had me and 19 when she had my brother, so I can attribute her craziness to that. And my dad loves the bottle more than he loves anything in this world now. I keep in touch with both of them-but at a arms distance. We don't even live in the same state and I'd like to keep it that way. Luckily, I do have supportive Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to keep me grounded.

I still don't know how I feel about the whole sex before marriage being a sin thing-so I won't get into that now. But I will say that I was not ready to have a baby back then-I had just started college and I wasn't exactly happy about it, but saw it as a blessing and had her anyway. Especially because I constantly bled during my pregnancy and was in and out of the hospital-one doctor even told me to not get used to this pregnancy, because I wouldn't be able to keep it-so Kadijat is truly my miracle baby.

Yes he took advantage of me-I know that now. But I can't keep looking backwards-I can only take what I've learned and use it for the future. This won't ever happen to me again, trust me.

IyaKadijat:

Thank you for that. But both my parents were never really there for me. I've been on my own since I was 17 years old-my Mom chose her husband over her kids and eventually kicked both of us out for no reason. I guess she was just done with being a mother, who knows? S[b]he was only 14 when she had me and 19 when she had my brother, so I can attribute her craziness to that. And my dad loves the bottle more than he loves anything in this world now.[/b] I keep in touch with both of them-but at a arms distance. We don't even live in the same state and I'd like to keep it that way. Luckily, I do have supportive Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to keep me grounded.

I still don't know how I feel about the whole sex before marriage being a sin thing-so I won't get into that now. But I will say that I was not ready to have a baby back then-I had just started college and I wasn't exactly happy about it, but saw it as a blessing and had her anyway. Especially because I constantly bled during my pregnancy and was in and out of the hospital-one doctor even told me to not get used to this pregnancy, because I wouldn't be able to keep it-so Kadijat is truly my miracle baby.

Yes he took advantage of me-I know that now. But I can't keep looking backwards-I can only take what I've learned and use it for the future. This won't ever happen to me again, trust me.

Black people have got to do better. Glad you have good aunts and uncles.

IyaKadijat:

Thank you guys for these recent thoughts. However, quite a few of you have suggested that I cut off all communication with him which would include taking my daughter away from him-that is something I WILL NOT DO! I speak from personal experience when I say that backfires like crazy! She will not grow up to "understand", instead, she will hate my guts for keeping her away from her father when she gets old enough to understand that I did it on purpose.

My mother did that to my brother and I because she couldn't stand our father and went so far as to threaten to kick us out if she found out we went to see him when we were only 4 and 8 years old. We had to sneak around to see him, until she moved us out of state and he had no idea where we were. My dad missed out on a big portion of me and my brother's life because of what my Mom did and I will not subject my baby to that. And contrary to how a lot of today's 'independent' women think, I believe a girl needs her dad in her life. Even statistics prove that girls that grow up with their dads in their life keep their virginity longer, are more confident of themselves, and overall fare better in life than girls who do not.

Besides, she has NOTHING to do with the very adult situation that's going on here, and I'd like to keep it that way. I have shielded her from what I could, and I have explained what couldn't be hidden in this situation. Again-this her living with him situation is only for the next 2 and 1/2 weeks that school is in-after that she is coming back home and I will leave it up to him to maintain contact with her. I am not going to force his daughter on him. I want him to be a part of her life, but I am also not above letting my daughter come to realize what kind of asshole her Daddy is on her own. 

1. So far, you havent indicated how his wife feels about your daughter. Your personal experiences are American, not Nigerian.

2. A girl's virginity doesnt always depend on whether or not her dad is there.

why do i keep on hearing stories like this, i thought with other stories them babes would have become wise, but it seems that a womans destiny is to remain dum.

as much as i feel sorry for this woman, i think she's the architect of her misfortune, these foreign women always fall for the oldest trick in the book.the man just used her to get his papers-all of you who have being giving her advice know one or two people who go to the US, marry some broad and divorce her after getting his green card, funny enough with the consent of their wives back home.

abi o.

You really think his own family will NOT be nice to you knowing that the son is trying to get papers from you. This isnt the first time Ive heard "but his family loves me!. . . on the phone"

The dude never bothered marrying you after 8 years, should have been a warning sign right there. Now you have to tell your kid that her dad probably much has a family of his own.

I suggest you stop providing money for his business cos all it's going towards is tushing up the new wife.

spikedcylinder:

I am confused. If he never married her, how comes he needed her to get his papers?

Without her help, it would have taken him longer to get citizenship

I convinced him to move from NY to Atlanta so he could get his citizenship faster and get greater use out of his HVAC certification-with much protest, he finally agreed. He got his citizenship in less than a year after we got here and I did ALL of the work to get him clients for the HVAC business I helped him start.

Can you get citizenship in America without getting married to the person who is helping you?

thief of hearts, e be like say na only you dey logical here

@ Pataki, am good, how are you too?

LadyT, the guy got green card thru visa lottery. so he does not need her for citizenship (could file for that himself). maybe money to pay for the paperwork yeah.

think abt it, some pple around us are still falling for 419 as we speak. So many pple are still falling for a typical naija man sweet mouth.

*Hauwa*:


think abt it, some pple around us are still falling for 419 as we speak. So many pple are still falling for a typical naija man sweet mouth.

rofl

she even went on to make another thread about "sexy nigerian men". "sexy" noni lon ko si wahala yi. were ni awon obirin yi sha

the part i like abt IyaK is the 'Baba' she termed him. that one got me lmao .
i can imagine the guy eating the naija soup the lady made for him while strokes his gamu saying 'baba'

Not surprised. Isnt the dude Muslim?

lmao @ stroking Guru abi Baba's beard

9 years. People are just wicked. How do you go through life doing somebody wrong for 9 years. Be strong. You definitely need to move on. He has stolen enough already.

ThiefOfHearts:

Not surprised. Isnt the dude Muslim?

lmao @ stroking Guru abi Baba's beard

so being a moslem means wat, dat christans dont fornicate or wot.

larayat:

so being a moslem means wat, dat christans dont fornicate or wot.

who mentioned fornication? Berra comot

Chei . . . your story is so sad.
Pele . . . the Lord is your strength.

gurl i feel ur pain

just trust in God n keep on taking care of ur gurl
the lord is ur strength

segzi cres:

why do i keep on hearing stories like this, i thought with other stories them babes would have become wise, but it seems that a womans destiny is to remain dum.

You should probably learn how to spell "dumb" before you start referring to other people as such. Secondly, what makes me dumb in this situation, besides the things I've already taken responsibility for? Unfortunately, there is no guidebook about signs to watch out for with Naija men in order to tell if he's married-perhaps I'll be the one to write the book on that! And aside from being best friends with someone in the FBI, CIA or someone at the US Embassy in Nigeria, how was I to know that he was married in his country? It's not like I can do a people search and find out that information. And perhaps you should really be asking yourself, why do African/Nigerian men keep doing these things to unsuspecting women, rather than blaming the woman for things she couldn't possibly know?

Start a thread on that one-abi?

*Hauwa*:

the part i like abt IyaK is the 'Baba' she termed him. that one got me lmao .
i can imagine the guy eating the naija soup the lady made for him while strokes his gamu saying 'baba'

Very funny. Since you guys all want to give me lessons on pidgin English and Yoruba-let me give you a lesson: a term of endearment among the Black/AA community towards their significant other is "boo-boo". Therefore, when I found out in Yoruba "Baba" meant father(or Daddy), it was just as natural for me to change the vowels, and I thought it was cute-especially because in the circles we hung around, nobody knew what it meant but us.

ThiefOfHearts:

rofl

she even went on to make another thread about "sexy nigerian men". "sexy" noni lon ko si wahala yi. were ni awon obirin yi sha

And your point is? Just because I had a bad experience with one Naija man doesn't mean I'm bound to have another with another Naija man. In other words-one bad apple doesn't spoil the bunch. That would be equivalent to me saying I'd never date another AA man because of my MANY bad experiences with them. I do find Nigerian men sexy-my child's father wasn't the only one I've ever dated-I think for some reason I tend to just attract them somehow.lol.

@Thiefofhearts- You have a reading comprehension problem, but I'll pray for you to understand better. For the LAST TIME-he didn't need me for papers-I wish it was that simple-I would truly feel like an asshole in this situation if that was the case, because that is the oldest trick in the book.

I think his family was genuinely nice to me because I brought into this world another grandchild/niece. Which is probably why his mom was so quick to want to give her her name.