I agree there T.o.H, independence is important and helps gone are the days of oh what will i do with myself if i leave. Education is vital you see

What i can take and make do with is different from what even my twin sister would stick with. I might prefer my hubby to lash out at me with his fist rather than with infidelity or emotional torture and others would  rather stick with him going out with his office secretary than raising a finger at them.
But like the common saying, NEVER SAY NEVER, until you are in the reality show, me think, you can't be sure what your reaction would be. And there are different factors to consider too.

mide2:

. I might prefer my hubby to lash out at me with his fist rather than with infidelity or emotional torture and others would rather stick with him going out with his office secretary than raising a finger at them.

Both ways show lack of self respect.

Okay,

So you feel leaving is the best choice right? Okay permit me to ask, I am, and would like to know if you are from a broken home. I'll be disappointed if you are - why? you obviously did not miss either of your parents.

Do you know how it feels raising kids alone only to tell them someday that I left your dad because he slapped me. Maybe you are now with the love of your life who only cheats secretly but don't slap, had some other kids for you and expose your kids to the risk of having a step dad or what have you, or you simply decided to stay alone (body no be wood o) depending on your age, what if you are just 24  with three kids (like omotola jalade?)

Girls, face it because you are cracking me up here. DOn't even cite Oprah as an example. Money ain't the thing, the fact that you're independent don't mean you shouldn't have a man, only that you don't depend on him. And when you go get your house (instead of going to your papa's) you have declared yourself a "mama ndagbe", please don't do that unless you've really made up your mind. In actual fact, the idiot can as well beat you up right in your house before your kids (his step kids) and leave for another gf's house - i'm sure it happens over there too ) so in that case who won? You keep moving till you tired of guys, then you shut your heart and shut your. . . MEN - don't try them o, if it's possible, they'll surely do it

Are you african? don't even blame the African mentality because we have far too many divorces over there than we do here. I begin to wonder, are these women trully happy and fulfilled? There ain't no "aponle" for a woman without a crown. Well i guess in life you need to choose when it comes.Please make a wise choice, think about your kids, your marriage, your parents, your colleagues and yourself when you jump into calling it quit all because he . . . Is it worth it? Are you ready to be single again, with kids?

Ladies, i trust you are saying your mind, but i'll wait till you share a real life testimony, and i'll like to hear from you 10 years from this time if i'm still alive. Keep in touch

@ThiefofHearts

You talk too much, take a breath and use your brain!

Donzman, respect yourself here.

Christino, what makes you think that men who beat don't cheat on their wives as well? What makes you think that hitting a woman can take the place of marital unfaithfulness. You reason with only one side of your brain.

Listen, like I was even telling my Mum yesterday, my dreams in life are really swallowing me up. I think of all I have to achieve in this life and believe me man, getting married is just for marrying sake. I don't see that shit as an 'obligation'.

You think because a woman has had kids, she can't walk out of a marriage? Christino, please come and marry me and we'll have wonderful kids together and then you crown the marriage with beating. I swear, whatever you see, you take.You think it's only men that have a bad temper and resort to hitting?Right there and then, we'll sort ourselves out. Whatever we see in that instance, we have to take. Anger is not limited to only males!

I'm nobody's slave.Not even my husband's. That's why I must strive and work really hard to be at the top. Tell me Christy, if I was feeding and clothing your ass, would you ever dare to think of hitting me, talkless of doing it? Only a madman can do that and since I'm sane, I can't marry a madman.

So what if you have kids? You think it's better for kids to watch parents fight? That's even more traumatic for the kids than the woman walking away with them and giving them an awesome future.That's why women should stop being lazy. I hate when I see women who ignore education and don't even make an effort to be an 'illiterate success'.

Christino, I value my life and my immediate family so much that no man will ruin my life. I mean, for what? Who the heck is he? All in the name of getting married and having kids? Bleep that man. I really admire couples when I see them but believe me, marriage don't excite me one bit.
When I see all these desperate Naija girls rushing into marriage without no education whatsoever, I'm like "this is a joke".

A man hit me? Even if I cheat on him, he either decides what to do with the relationship there and then. Hit me? Nahhh! Will never be accepted for whatever reason. Sorry!

Donzie, stfu. Who the hell is talking to you and what the hell are you babbling about? Were ranu.

I'm not Sista so don't come to me with your bullshit. She's stupid so she doesnt know better. I however am not.

ThiefofHearts, don't kid yourself, I'm only taking easy on you due to 1 reason!

You think it's only men that have a bad temper and resort to hitting?

See, you really can't do much besides leave the man, like a man who will beat you needs you around anyway. Oh ThiefofHearts is leaving, watch me cry. , Truth is that the way some women act in ways that make them prone to getting slapped once in a while. If a woman is cosiderate and listens (as opposed to yapping), it's beyond me why the man will even think of hitting such a woman.

Again, I'm not in favour of hitting anyone but I can definitely understand why someone will get slapped. Imagine ThiefofHeart's husband catching her with OBJ in his bedroom, what will the husband do?

if I was feeding and clothing your ass, would you ever dare to think of hitting me

Yea, if you have life insurance.

You're not making any sense whatsoever.

What the hell does ANY OF the garbage you've written so far have to do with any of my comments?

Seriously quit being retarded.

Yeah keep talking, your battery no dey finish?

My battery on you will never finish

I wonder what recharges it?,

Here is a tip: You can be nice sometimes atleast sometime around christmas.

Have it ever occurred to you that there are actually women who enjoy battering?
When i went for training in the USA, i met a girl who in the middle of an intensive
sex session asked me to spank her with her father's bathroom slipper. Believe me my OK
ran inside with immediate effect. Reason? that was the only way she could climax.
There are many like her every where and there is a name for though i can;t spell it right,
MICHINIS something. It can also be a perversion as in the case of gay and lesbianism.
Now we don't know what it is in the case of this lady in question but whatever it is
it is not a good thing and should be adviced to use her head before the unfortunate will happen.
I hold my breath for now.

Still me

ThiefOfHearts:

What year do you think this is? Yes I would walk out of the marriage and I'll get myself a house. Why the hell do people continue to think ALL women are so phucking dependent on them? Get the hell over yourselves.

If I am not mistaken, the part of Christino's post to which you gave this reply was asking if you would leave your husband's house just like that, despite the fact that you have kids for him already.  If you truly understand this and you're still bent on clinging on to this mentality of yours, I must confess, I am really sorry for you.  Obviously, you do not care what effect this will have on the children.

Until you get married, you will never understand certain things about marital life.  Its obvious majority of you ladies only base your thoughts on what you have seen or experienced from boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.  You base your thoughts only on your present circumstances.  But I will keep saying this over and over again:  Marriage is different!  It is a union which is meant to last forever (Note the keyword there: "union".  When you get married, you're kind of living another kind of life entirely.  When something goes wrong in a marriage, it is your duty as a spouse to strive in order to make things right.   You shouldn't desert it over something you know you can easily amend.  Even if it's not easily amendable, at least, you can still do something about it.  But no; you would rather leave your husband and deprive your children of the impact their biological father would have had in their lives (if you'll be taking them along), just to show/prove that you are an "independent strong woman who is living in the 21st century and won't take sh*t from any man".

Anyway, just as Christino said, I also trust you ladies are presently truly speaking your mind -- based on how you presently feel.  But I tell you, it will be another kind of feeling by the time you'll be living a marital life.  By then, I hope Nairaland will still be in existence so that you and your likes may share some real marital life issues with us here.  I'll be waiting too.

Ok i have been married.
And am not ready to talk about what broke up my marrage but it had notting to do with beatings.
But if i left my husband because of a slap yes i will tell my kids just that . and hope they never land a man that beats.
they have grown up with it thanks to the people next door.
They are used to seeing the mother ringing my bell in the middle of the night or sometimes only the kids comming up here also in the middle of the night to call the police because the dad is beating the mum.
The woman has even landed here in her underwear.
Yes it would have been better for all involved if the woman had left the marrage.
If i as the mother am not okey my kids can never be okey.

@ Radiant.

Honestly, if you was married to me, you'd be begging me to beat you up whenever you offend . ALLAH! OMG! you really got me cracking up since yesterday and you'll never cease to amaze me. Thanks.

See i won't argue with you, you've said your mind, and like i said, it's because you don't live in Naija where "MARRIAGE" is jealously protected, especially by women, who happen to be more educated and even richer than you probably are! Here in Naija, many women clothe, feed and house the family and even pay school fees. Check out our private universities and how many women pay the fees of their wards, many a lot. So enough of those bobo and obembe about being independent and stuff, money can't buy you peace in marriage! And in Nigeria, just in case you've forgotten - if you are not with your husband, it's a BIG COMMA! You can argue it from now till next millenium but 90% of peeps reading this thread will agree it's true and that's even more than enough.

Now to the issue of facing reality or breaking marriage vows and stuffs, i've seen girls who've boasted all their lives, i can't buy recharge cards for a guy, i can't sweep a guy's room, i can never ever suffer with a guy, i can't wash a guy's clothes, over my dead body. Please take a trip to our University campuses or NYSC PPA's you'd be shocked to see your close boaster doing all the dirty jobs in the world for a guy, and if need arises, she'd even do the deatiest job as in i don't want to get even but i mean "that" Job! . I feel pity for ladies cos the bitter truth remains "It's a man's world!"

I respect your opinion, but i don't agree with the fact that the other part of my brain is dead, nope it's working on other stuffs other than women matters. "I gat 99 problems and a girl ain't one"

My summary is i honestly don't know why men waste their time to beat women. Women are just so awesome it requires some deep understanding to deal with them, but if you must pay back, why go physical, why not do it my way - The mafia way - quiet, easy, polite, humble but the most painful way? Sure Radiant'll stick with me cos she'd prefer that way - nice and slow - the ether - slow poison (hope you know what i mean, guys?)

All the same i'm not single. Thanks for your contribution, it's very welcome, we learn new things daily don't we? You'll make a good marriage counsellor and i'll come to you when it's time to settle down.

Goodguy, it will do you more good to just go listen to Christmas carols than come here full of shit.

Mamaput, God bless you beyond measure.


And my dear Christino, what happens if a woman hits a man and continues battering him in their marriage? Your honest opinion please.

We're not talking about how to "punish" a woman. We're talking about physical abuse here. That can never be accepted by me. I speak for myself and in general I disagree with such approach.

Tino, if you come up with other methods to punish me, that's a different issue all together. That could be very painful 'cause I know what you talking about. By the way, you think only guys have the power to mess with a woman? Man, whatever you do to me, you getting the same back if I get really hurt. Ain't no submission in my dictionary at this point.

About cleaning and doing stuff for a guy that I'm married to, that's a small matter. I don't even worry about that as long as there's peace in the home. But to beat me? I mean, Tino, that's not fair. Imagine I was the one hitting the man. Would people come here to convince me that it should be like that once in a while? No! Why d'u make this issue of beating a woman sound like we deserve it? No one deserves such treatment. That is humiliating. My Dad didn't do that to me or even my 'Exs', so why a man I've chosen to share my life with?

Till Jesus comes again, I can never accept that and that's my choice and will stick to it. Other women can afford to be a boxing pad but as for me, no way baby!

It's a man's world but women are ruling!

Radiant, I really do not know your stance here.

At some point, you implied that if your husband hits you just once, you'll leave (this is the one I was addressing in my post "full of shit" up there). At another, you imply that it is only continuous battering that you cannot condone.

Which is it really?

Donzman:

Here is a tip: You can be nice sometimes atleast sometime around christmas.

Look who's talking.

osegwu:

Have it ever occurred to you that there are actually women who enjoy battering?
When i went for training in the USA, i met a girl who in the middle of an intensive
sex session asked me to spank her with her father's bathroom slipper. Believe me my OK
ran inside with immediate effect. Reason? that was the only way she could climax.

You are ridiculous. Obviously you are a child which is why you are comparing BDSM to Domestic Abuse. Here's a tip: THERE ARE NOT THE SAME.

goodguy:

If I am not mistaken, the part of Christino's post to which you gave this reply was asking if you would leave your husband's house just like that, despite the fact that you have kids for him already. If you truly understand this and you're still bent on clinging on to this mentality of yours, I must confess, I am really sorry for you. Obviously, you do not care what effect this will have on the children.

Goodguy, sorry but you must be a good-lunatic. Btw take your pity and shove it where the sun doesnt shine.

Are you insane? If anything, it's when a guy becomes a batterer while you have two have children is the BEST time to leave. What's it like to be so ignorant? Dont you know anything about the world and human condition? EVERYDAY I hear, since you live under a rock obviously, I HEAR about battered women who end up dying at the hands of these monsters, when the mother is dead who the hyell do you think gets the unnecessary beating next? THE CHILDREN. Why the hell should anyone put their kids thru such hell? All in the name of perserving a "marriage". A disgusting marriage where the husband has no respect for his wife but to use her as a punching bag for his sad frustrations. Yea that's the kind of marriage that a person should try to save *rolls eyes*
You're in Nigeria so Im gonna assume you dont know anything about social workers/foster home system. 90% of these children in the system are there because one of the parents have been treating them like a complete animal. Be it their dad "punished" them by pouring SCALDING hot water on them, constantly watched their p[arents fight to the point of phyysical and then they took take such things to school and become horrible bullies to younger children, I read about one a few months back about a father coming back from work all angry, he beat up the wife then his son started crying, keep in mind this kid was a year old and due to his anger at the loud crying he flung the baby across the room. That's the freaking marriage people should "perserve"?? Get the hell out of my face with your bullshit.

Talk to me when you actually know what the hell you are talking about. alakoba oshi.

Goodguy, please read and understand very well. If you don't get anything right, ask questions before jumping into lame conclusions.
What I said earlier and I just copied it unedited from page 2 was "no man will ever try that. That will either be the last day he tries that or he's in deep shit."
What does this mean? It means that a man may get away with hitting me a first time, but that will be the first and ever last time.

Please could you copy and paste where I said it's "only continuous battering" that I can't stand. I can't remember saying that and I'm very sure that statement didn't come from me.Thanks!

Radiant:

Goodguy, it will do you more good to just go listen to Christmas carols than come here full of shit.

Rofl Aint that the truth.

@ Thief

Haba, take it easy now, aint' u catchn ur fun too

@ Radiant
Hope you don't think i support battering, only that if my sister's husband beats her I wouldn't be happy, I'll try my best to call the guy to order but if it happens in a marriage, honestly, there's very little i can do. If it's just a bf gf thing, i'll advise her to break up with him, there's no point. What you won't condone when you become wealthy, you should start rejecting it while you are poor! (yoruba proverb)

When they get married and she comes in daily to complain that he beats her if there's enough evidence, i'll hand him over to the police. Broken hearts can be mended, not dead hearts, i won't wait for him to kill my sister before acting, but even after doing all that, i still won't advice a break up, i'll let it come out from his mouth. As for my sister, she can stay with me, no matter how inconvenient it may seem, until he calls for divorce. That way, she's better off than going to get a house or what have you. A woman's home remains her husband's house and I won't be the ITK to tear them apart. It's a complex case to deal with, but that's probably what i'd do, not that i'll definitely do that. The circumstances'll dictate my humble or animalistic reaction.

If he cheats on her, i can't arrest him, I'll wish for her to divorce him, but i won't advice her to do so. IT's really bad because he can come back home to give her HIV and what have you or even make her a step mother. Women are so soft men tend to trample over their hearts. No matter how hard hearted, they tend to forgive their man even when he cheats or is obviously a player - that is one phenomenon i still can't explain.


Darling Radiant, hope i've answered your question at least partially?

Yes Sweetheart.

At last you agree that beating should be disallowed.I'm very happy to hear that.That's what I've been yelling from page 1.

Women are soft at heart but mind you, guys are softer.What women can take, you guys can't dare

We are soft and quick to forgive but we are not stupid

@ThiefofHearts,

Perhaps, if you had taken your time to read the remaining part of my post, you would have understood my point better.  Your manner of reponse only goes to show that you paid very little or no attention to the other parts, but the first paragraph.

I already stated earlier that marriage is not something you can just walk out of like that, especially if it's over something you can amend.  No matter how bad a man is, he must have some good sides too.  These good parts are what you should consider. If your husband beats you once, twice or thrice, you should try helping him overcome this monstrous attitude of his (when his sanity returns, of course).  If you'll be so quick to leave your husband simply because he beat you once or twice, even though you have not tried helping matters yourself, then you never really loved him in the first place.  Your desertion only becomes totally justifiable after several failed attempts.  This was why I cited Coco's story as a perfect explanation to my point.  I myself, do not support beating women.  There are several ways of dealing with a woman without being physical.

@Radiant,

I said you implied that statement. I never said you uttered it outrightly. Look at the statement you made below:

Radiant:

what happens if a woman hits a man and continues battering him in their marriage?

Note the emboldened part of the quoted post. If I'm not wrong, then I think you are only trying to understand what a man's reaction would be if the reverse was the case.

Very good! The reverse is what I was talking about. And besides it was a question. Read it again carefully and answer me.

Me condone battering? lol

aaaah! anyway this issue is really terrible because as for me i dont even know how to contribute, because am also a victim. am also recieving such treatment from my boyfriend, i dont know what to call him because sometimes he calls me his girlfriend and sometimes he calls me his fiance so i dont know how to classify my relationship with him, for sometime now he has stopped beaten me because i dont frequent his house anymore but the latest development now. he is living in a room apartment with foam on the floor, the tv in his house is spoilt,i gave him money to repair his CD Player and tv but he neva did, now he has bought a car, even when i objected, he called me an enemy of progress,so i have to allow him do what ever he wants to do but the problem now is that i dont even trust him anymore even when he is saying the truth, to me i dont think he is saying the truth, so i dont blame anybody, am still with him but not so serious like b4 but the truth remains that i still love him very much i cant stay a day without hearing his voice.

so in my own case what will i call that one.

to me i still believe that one day God wil touch him and he might change, there's nothing God cannot do.

@benheart

TO be frank with you, you need to leave that relationship A.S.AP. Nothing good can come out of that, heaven helps those who helps themselves. You can always find someone who will treat you better.

thank donzman

am still trying, you know is not that easy but i wil try, can u believe that sometimes i plead with him to call me since he bought the car,he wil tell me that he is busy repairing that car. he told me he has no money, he bought a car, a bag of rice, groundnut oil, and provisions. But me that has been feeding and helping him, nothing for me, stil i did not complain but the problem is even after all these, if i have #20 with me he will collect it. am getting really confused about the whole thing, its just hard to let go but my mind keep warning me. please i think i need serious help.

You do need help girl, you need to leave such a man. No hater here, where is Radiant and TOH?, This is you chance to help someone instead of criticizing Donzman.

donzman

pls i will be waiting for your message, pls i dont want to start disturbing you, pls try and help me, am not myself, and now am processing my admission in ESUT and maybe by FEBRUARY i will be going, when i told him, he wasn,t happy, since then he neva asked again, and he is soemone that can not stay without sex for a week, i know when am not around he will be runing up and down, am really scared.