@Nicetohave:

Hmnnn. Indeed, that 2cantango story is ABRIDGED.

I will only reply her when I've[b] heard [/b] from her former (rightful?) husband.

Now, to divorce:
It is not good for anyone to opt out of marriage because one party feels or believes he cannot continue with the other. I hate divorce and everything that goes with it. Stay with your man or woman, even if situations get to a head and you feel it's better to quit.

That love you have for your partner when you met him/her can be rekindled. Above all, God, who is the author of marriage will keep you together, if only you'll allow him to lead your home.

@ono, do you have a problem with something i said, or you feel i didn't say?. I'm sorry I left out all the other little details. I didn't realize you'd want to read about his parents offering me money to keep my silence, or the fact he had our son's surname changed because, according to him he didn't want the little 'pr*ck' carrying his name. Then there were all the meals I cooked for him that would end up all over the floor if it had gone cold while waiting for him to come home from f*cking someone else. Then there were the times the police would come around after the neighbours would call them, should I tell about all the times that happened? Or what about the hours spent at the domestic violence center listening to lecture after lecture about how important it was for me to leave the marriage in order to protect our son from further abuse. You are more than welcome to talk to him, unfortunately I can't tell you where he is though, as I have no idea. He is hiding so he doesn't have to pay any money to support his son. Should I stop here or you want me to go on?

Well, 2cantango, how long did this man date you before you got married to him? How is it that it was after you married this man that all these[b] bad bad bad things befell him[/b]?

Somehow, in my own view, you turned that man to whatever it is that he is now. That's the bitter truth. But it's never too late to get him back.

I think you should have asked yourself these questions and seek solutions to them before leaving the man.Some problems are spiritual. And it takes the power and grace of God to break yokes of bondages.

You'd do well to reconcile with him and go back to where you are coming from.

Regards,
Ono.

@ono, For your information since he filed for the divorce it has been found out that he has beaten other women prior to me. I don't care what you think, because I know the truth, God knows the truth. If you're implying that loving someone can make them attempt to kill their own baby, then I will pray you receive some wisdom. I'm sorry you are so small minded that you think men behaving badly must be the direct result of something the woman did or didn't do. Sad.

But this is the man you vowed to love all your life at the altar, a couple of years back, right? So, what went wrong, and how did it happen?

lets chat on yahoo. Reach me on onosj5@yahoo.co.uk Then we can try and thrash out this matter.

Deleted

I do not believe divorce is wrong on every ground and I also do not agree with the fact that it is 2cantango's fault that her husband was abusive. The problem is that there are people out there telling women that it is their fault that their husband is abusive or cheating when in actuality it is the decision of the husband to do these things. We need to stand up against what is wrong, not sucumb to it.

flower:

I do not believe divorce is wrong on every ground and I also do not agree with the fact that it is 2cantango's fault that her husband was abusive. The problem is that there are people out there telling women that it is their fault that their husband is abusive or cheating when in actuality it is the decision of the husband to do these things. We need to stand up against what is wrong, not sucumb to it.

Flower,i do agree with you strongly and i hope all the people with that believe will change their views and pray they do not experience such.

And Ono things does not always go the way you plan sometimes, everyone's got a choice to hang onto whatever he/she wants,nobody turns anybody to anything.If u had wished upon a star for love to swallow you,then it happened and the same love starts killing you,what will u do?People,things generally change everyday, it just depends if its a positive or negative change

It is really sad that people belive that a woman gets beaten because she deserves it.
That is also the reason why most women swollow so much and do not dare to leave.
When I met my husband i was young and full of life, and people also sometimes felt it was my fault that the he was so cruel to me - all this talk about educated girls etc not having respect - till the had a deeper look.
MY ex would beat me so badly and then call a conference of his family and friend or other officers and i would get this lecture on respecting my husband etc- well noted sometimes two hours on my knees!
I guess because of the considerable age gap between us, nobody was even ready to hear my opinion.
I treid even harder to please him but after sometime I found out that I the problem was not that i was doing anything wrong but that he just took pleasure in humilating me and hurting me.
, do you know what it does to a child to see its mother being beaten and verbally abused everyday?

And 2cantago, I'm not generalising this position of mine here. It could go the other way round. Like, for instance, a woman starts misbehaving in the house, starts committing adultery, maybe because she's not getting the much needed attention from the man; or she suddenly turned abusive and violent.

To the best of my knowledge, the first point of blame should go to the spouse (husband or wife) before any other person, for any shortcoming in any relationship.

The type of people a spouse relates with also matters. Is the husband the type that likes night parties, clubs, drinking etc etc? Is that the place you met your spouse and you both decides to start a family from there? Don't blame the man or woman in future when he/she put up an attitude similar to that of a drunkard!

And sometimes weird things happens. Believe me, there are[b] evil people out there[/b] who are jealous of God-fearing, progressive and loving couples. They will do everything possible to frustrate that marriage, including going spiritual and attacking either of the spouses spirit. Well, at least I've seen and heard of such cases. Cases like out of sheer jealousy, the neighbour to one familiy (a woman) had to prepare love potion for the husband of another woman (during a sincere, get-to-know each other party), so that the man will only care about her and always maltreat the wife. And it happend that the man suddenly turned mad and started maltreating the wife, so much so that the wife eventually left him. This man then moved to the other woman's house. But prayers from the men of God broke the yoke of bondage from this man and set him free. He's living happily with his family now.

And during the dating period of your relationship, I expect you to have studied your future partner and know if you're both compatible or not. Dating can take a couple of months and I believe that's a long enough time to unmask your partner if he/she is pretending to be what he/she is not.

Above all else, if 2cantango loves this man, she should pray for his deliverance from bondage. God will hear her and give her husband the grace to change to the type of man 2cantango wants.

I still insist that 2cantango should do everything possible to win back her rightful husband, because I think she's not done enough.

ono:

Well, 2cantango, how long did this man date you before you got married to him? How is it that it was after you married this man that all these[b] bad bad bad things befell him[/b]?

Somehow, in my own view, you turned that man to whatever it is that he is now. That's the bitter truth. But it's never too late to get him back.

I think you should have asked yourself these questions and seek solutions to them before leaving the man.Some problems are spiritual. And it takes the power and grace of God to break yokes of bondages.

You'd do well to reconcile with him and go back to where you are coming from.

Regards,
Ono.

i dont think she turned him to what he was at all!!she was just too much in love to notice his bad side which is perfectly understandale of a woman in love are you really saying she should have stayed with a man who was physically abusing her and some few months old baby for that matter? God what's with you how can you even say that i think she's been through hell do you realise how painful it is when your marriage is falling apart and you're trying soo hard to keep it going but it all seems so worthless, soo sad letting go off the man you thought you loved but who actually seem to be a beast?Girl, think twice

@2c
im really sorry about your marriage i can just imagine how horrible it was for you God i feel sooooo sorry about that awwwww my little boy i hope he's alright now hope you do not keep in touch with that man that was soo beastly of him God i bet he might have been jealous of your baby because he might have felt you were giving him all the attention awwwww innocent baby and to think you went to jail for that ohmigod im sooo sorry this had to happen to you sweetie it's all in the past now thank heavens

Hi Rhoda, hope you're having a good time out there. You know, some how you're right. Women generally have a funny way of falling in love. It's OK. But Rhoda, you're not married. And I think your views will not be taken seriously by me.

my day has been perfect, it always is
i aint married but i know how it will feel to be treated the way 2c was and i think it's very horrible no girl would want to experience that i just think you should stop giving my lady a hard time she's been through enough thank heavens she survived it

Well, then just watchout, so that you won't fall for the wrong man. There are indeed a lot of terrible men and women out there that sometimes young adults seldom think about marriage.

But Rhoddy, you'd better start praying to God about your husband now. At least, you're not too young for that. Tell Him to lead you to the man perfect for you. And for Him to give you the grace to accept this man for who he is, when the time comes. And that you should not be carried away about the cares of this life to the extent that you refuse to heed God call/instruction when the day to decide for your man comes.

And of course, these applies to you, if you're a christian.

that sounds great, so you can give such great advice and yet you were making my dear 2c feel bad do you know how badly you hurt her? at first i thought you were a relative of her formal husby or something
yeh my boyfriend and i have plans of getting married i just hope my marriage works out really great but i would never let any man i repeat any man raise his hands against me, the very day he does that will be the day i'll file for divorce!! i just hope Ken doesnt change

Rhodalyn:

that sounds great, so you can give such great advice and yet you were making my dear 2c feel bad do you know how badly you hurt her? at first i thought you were a relative of her formal husby or something
yeh my boyfriend and i have plans of getting married i just hope my marriage works out really great but i would never let any man i repeat any man raise his hands against me, the very day he does that will be the day i'll file for divorce!! i just hope Ken doesnt change

dont talk like that Rhodalyn, that is a recipe for failure

so nicetohave you want me to be beaten?

I didnt say that either but 2C is not a fool too who endured so much tribulation; entertaining such thoughts is the recipe for failure because it takes away your resolve to think constructively to handle the problems and pressures that marriage will bring.

Plus surrounding yourself with thoughts of probable failure does bring failure, why would a man God gives you beat you up? so why entertain the thought of "if" then?

Its a mind thing, most battle is fought and won in our thought life (in most cases) the rest let God help you out.

Problems will occur, marriage is not a bed of roses neither is it a thornbush, face the problems and joys of it with courage and gratitute and let God direct the proceedings, not you.

2cantango, my heart goes out to you

ono:

I think she's not done enough.

I'm sorry, did I miss the moment when you were appointed as God? You do not know me, you are not in the position to be making this comment. I am not on this earth to gain your approval, and it is not for you to be so judgemental of those around you. It's easy to be the one who roams the earth placing judgements on others and portraying yourself to be so pure and holy. True depth of character is revealed when your brave enough and sure enough of yourself as a Christian, to lay bare the skeletons in your closet, regardless of the outcome. God knows the secrets in your closet, even if we don't, it might be nice for you to keep this in mind.

@Rhodalyn: God bless you sweetie. You know I love you.

@nicetohave: God Bless You.

i love you tooo baby girl i now understand why you were upset the last time

i don't support divorce but do support it sometimes, it depends.

when 2 people get together, it's like forming a business partnership relationship. there is certain dos and don'ts in order to keep the partnership last forever and "make profits." if both parties cannot fulfill the obligation to make it work. liquidation is necessary to disolve this relationship.

sorry to discuss this topic in a business point of view. my opinion is, when you find the marriage is not right for you or for the other half, if you can solve the problems, then solve them, if not, then stop wasting each other's time and move on. for the later situation, divorce is the best choice for each other to form a better partnership with someone else and make constructive profit for themselves and their lives.

nawah:

It is really sad that people believe that a woman gets beaten because she deserves it.

Sometimes the men gets beaten too o o o!!! I have seen this too. Sometimes, some words from women can be so deadly compared to ordinary raising of hand to slap or beat someone. Husbands know what I mean.

2cantango:

I'm sorry, did I miss the moment when you were appointed as God? You do not know me, you are not in the position to be making this comment. I am not on this earth to gain your approval, and it is not for you to be so judgemental of those around you. It's easy to be the one who roams the earth placing judgements on others and portraying yourself to be so pure and holy. True depth of character is revealed when your brave enough and sure enough of yourself as a Christian, to lay bare the skeletons in your closet, regardless of the outcome. God knows the secrets in your closet, even if we don't, it might be nice for you to keep this in mind.

Goodness 2cantango!! I do not derive any pleasure in seeing you beaten up by your former? husband. I hate husbands who beat their wifes(although, there's more to this beating thing than meets the eyes o o!!). I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please accept my sympathy.

I'm for your well being as other people in here. Am no God; far be it from me that I should take the position of my Lord and saviour.

Marriage is not a business venture as someone claims. It's not in anyway a business venture. The Devil has over the years, in centuries gone by, done a lot of harm to the marriage institution as founded by God Himself. I don't have much time now. But I will like to chat privately with you, if you don't mind, later today. Peace.

If you love yourself and your son, so much, then please pray for the peaceful return of his father and your husband. Nothing is too hard for God to do. He will come and save you and your family. He will bring that needed peace and love, the healing balm into your home. And you'd be happy once again. Surely you're not very happy having to handle your son all by yourself. You need the boy's father around too. It's not a normal man that will derive pleasure in beating his son. Pray for him. He needs a touch from God. You will see him change once again to that man you vowed to love till death do you part in the beginning

Are you willing to[b] submit all to the Lord[/b]? Are you willing to let go of your pride (to both man and God)? and submit to God to handle the situation? Are you willing to forgive him for all the wrongs? and smile, that charming smile that made him fall completely for you from the start?  Play your part and let go, then let God handle this matter. He will see you through it.

Yes, it happens. But not very often. An african man is too proud to take that kind of nonsense, but the women? They have been raised to think that "love is painful" so they just take it. Argh!

I really think one should be careful about asking a woman to stay at all costs in a marriage.
I mean in extreme cases the man can even kill her.
A woman that lives under pain and emotional turmol is jeopadising he health and this is no kiding. High blood pressure etc.
Belive me at 40 i see the world from a different perspective now.
Certainly one should give everything to make a marriage work, but when you start hurting yourself to please another person, then it is no longer right. Because your very first obligation is towards yourself and as a mother you owe it to your children to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of them.
After my first marriage, my family and friends felt I wwould never get married again. But I did. With 3 children I still got a very caring man and we still went on to have 5 kids. MY husband had never been married before and did not have any kids, but it has been a beautiful and peaceful marriage.
MY ex has married 3 times since i divorced him so that says it all.
What I am trying to say. is that sometimes in life you have you have to move on.- you have to accept the things you cannot change.
I belive strongly that God has rewarded me with such a loving husband today to compensate me for so many years of suffering at the hands of an evil man.

Well, I'm ready to hurt myself, to please my wife. So long as the 'hurting' will make me keep the love, peace and unity in my home and also keep Gods commandment.

I'm for: Once you're married, you remain married till death parts you and your spouse, and nothing else. If that death will be through him/her maltreating me, then so be it. That is why I will marry someone who loves me and I love her in return for who/what she is. And I will stand by her through thick and thin. Let it be said that ''the wife killed him'' in my case, rather than ''he divorced his wife''. I will not share my body/ soul/spirit with another woman as long as my wife is alive. And I know she will/cannot not kill me. And God will help me today to stand by my words.

Your two eyes were wide open when you vowed to love and keep your spouse in sickness and in health. Have you ever given that sickness and in health clause a thought? That clause means even when he/she's sick mentally and otherwise (like he starts beating you and all that), you'll have to stand by him/her until death parts you.

With men, these things are awful, and impossible. But with God, all things are possible.

@ono: I am a Christian and learned through God's grace to forgive my son's father many years ago. I have no idea what you mean in saying

Surely you're not very happy having to handle your son all by yourself.

I assure you I am very happy and I have never raised him alone, for God has been with me every step of the way. Perhaps you haven't realized that it's been 12 years since my son's father left us. I am not angry, nor do I have regrets. How can I regret a situation that strengthened my faith in God and gave me my son? Perhaps you also need to remember that not only did he beat my son and me, he was having sex with my sister and other women. Isn't that grounds for a divorce according to the Bible. You're assuming that my passionate defense of my situation is an act of anger towards my divorce, but you are seriously wrong. To prove how wrong you are I am going to take notice of my pastors advice and refuse to debate this with you any further. God loves me.

That clause means even when he/she's sick mentally and otherwise (like he starts beating you and all that), you'll have to stand by him/her until death parts you.

It is because of funny ideas like this that I believe in the use of police to deal with domestic violence. If the man is beating his 'beloved' wife woman and her friends and relatives are saying that this is all part of the sweetness of marriage, then maybe the only people that can save her are the police. Battery is a crime punishable by imprisonment even in Nigeria. Stand by your man if you must, but send him to jail first!

Oh! I speak in parables a lot.

If it means staying away for as long as 15 years, like my Aunt did in Lagos, but still bears her husbands name, just to keep the marriage, then so be it in my case. They even have five lovely kids. Three of them presently in the University. And she celebrated her 40th birthday last two years.

If your spouse suddeny turned violent, stay away from him. He's ill and needs your help and prayers. But do not divorce him. While you're away, take time to fast and pray for your spouse. You will one day see him knocking at your door, like the prodigal. Like it was in my Aunt's case. Yes, her husband came back. And they are living happily now.

We have to learn to forgive one another in love. Love ''heals'' the broken hearted.



Oh! 2C, tis so sad in your case. But think about this:

Christ left his heavenly abode to come down to earth and die for our sins. You know how hard he was beaten by the Roman soldiers. They beat him so hard he could hardly walk. Yet they made him carry the cross. That cross was our sins he bore. And on the cross he prayed to God to forgive us our sins, for we do not know what we did to him.

Now, as christians, Christ should be our examples in all things. I don't know why I feel this way, but I believe your husband will return to you one day and plead with you to forgive him. But I want you to pray for him so much.

One question for you, though: Do you think your love for this man can be rekindled? Would you want him to come back a changed man, who will want to love and cherish you and his son?. Besides, are you married to someone else now?

I have seen the vilest of men changed to pastors and men of God. I have seen drunkards turning completely to Christ receiving the grace to live a completely new life. Your case cannot be different. God can transform that man, and bring him back. I just want to know if you still have any feeling for the man.

NLanders, let us all try and use this medium to mend broken homes. Let us rebuild instead of pulling down. There's more joy in building rather than destroying. Let us encourage 2C to pray for her husbands return.

Peace.

The issue on divorce is basically a fallout of my "crazy"definition of marriage.

Marriage is seen as an institution you have the right and free will to enter or not. But whichever your decison is, you will always regret it.

Sounds crazy but it says a lot about what we have on ground these days. When you marry you complain of the problems, when you decide not to marry you complain of loneliness!!

MYdear Ono,
It just so happens that as a woman I think have the need for a man i my life. And yes I also have the need for love and affection.
WHy should I live alone waiting or my man to one day come back, maybe with aids etc.
If you are prepared to sacrifice yourself for a woman so be it- I mean as a man you are exposed to different hazards as a woman.
IR is not as if I did not put in years of effort in the marriage, but it only got worse.
My husband used to beat me so bad and i did no have a chance to protect myself. Would you beat a woman who is already on the floor and begging you to stop?
Would you force your wife to have sex with you two days after your child is born?
Would you demand of your wife that she waits for you at the door till you come home, so that you don´t have to ring the bell and them come home at 2 every morning.
Granted I have an obligation to my husband, but I also have obligatons to myself and to my kids.
I lived those days in fear. As aoon as i heard his car driving in my heart started beating uncontrollably.

My uncle once told me that he used to be violent. His wife used to be his punch bag. He beats up his wife so much there's been instances where he thought he had killed her. He told me he was surprised this woman stayed with him up till as I write now. In fact my uncles case was very much like 2Cs husband. He comes home with women, and have sex with then on his matrimonial bed! right in front of his wife!! A lot of her friends used to tell her to divorce my uncle. They will ask her what it is she sees in this man that is not in any other man.

But you know what? She tells them that she loves this man, and have high hopes that he will change to who she wants someday.

According to him, he had prayed in his childhood days to God to lead him to a woman who will be by him all through his life. He's 68 years old now. And his wife had been with him all through 36 years now.

He told me he always thank God for giving him this woman who loves and understand him. He said he did all that beating and cheating when he did not know Christ, and was really sorry about it. When he gave his life to Christ in 1982, he turned a completely new man. The wife had lived under such terrible conditions that when he turned a new leaf, she could only raise her hands in praise to the almighty God.