That is the exception rather than the rule. Many wife-beaters "know Christ". The energy spent convincing the wife to accept battery as her portion should be spent convincing the obstinate husband to shape up or else.

Divorce can be traumatic especially for the children. Also, there can be a problem with knowing when to draw the line. If divorce is a way out of a troublesome marriage, then it could always apply to subsequent mariages.

I think the key to marriage success include tolerance, respect and putting God first in all.

yes it is not a good idea!
why?
we all have to learn , and wake up to smell , that fact of life, why will u go into a marriage without knowing who u are going with, just look at it that, way , and u will knnow it is a faulth we all share, i love u dont mean , u are the one for me, the lord holds the last say, and in him we should trust , and wish for the best, divource , is a change in the mistake we have made before getting into marriage life, so let me say it as a nigerian, shine your eyes before getting into it, ok.

Certainly divorce should be the last option and indeed only used as a last option, but it has to remain an option.
It has always been and would always be.
Ono I really thank God, that your Uncle has turned a new leaf, but many stories do not end that way.
Do you know that a woman can be in a desperate situation that she would rather prefer suicide if she had no other way out.

Seun, just wait until you're married. OK. Until then I will not take your views seriously, just like I did not for Rhoddy.

nawah:

Certainly divorce should be the last option and indeed only used as a last option, but it has to remain an option.
It has always been and would always be.
Ono I really thank God, that your Uncle has turned a new leaf, but many stories do not end that way.
Do you know that a woman can be in a desperate situation that she would rather prefer suicide if she had no other way out.

Well, if divorce should be the last option, my Bible tells me the other party must not re-marry until the first partner dies. So if you marry after divorcing your first spouse, know that you have sinned against your body/soul/spirit and most significantly, against God.

In fact such people who divorce and re-marry are referred to as adulterers

Ono what a wonderfull sugesstion!
I should punish myself futher after already being punished by a cruel man.
MY second husband was my reward from God for enduring so many years

Sorry o, but that man is not your husband. Don't call him that. There can be only one husband. The first and only husband. And he ceases to be your husband when he dies.

I meant no harm o. It's just my view, as I see it.

Nawah,
So what happens if the second husband, the so sent gift from God, turns to even be worse than the first, then you go for the 3rd, 4th 5th etc? I have said and i repeat whether you decide to marry or not, you will always regret your decision.
remaining single is the best option offered by the bible, "but if you cannot be like me, then marry" so said apostle Paul.

Ono, those men who beat their wives must have been beating their sisters before they got married. I don't do that and so I see no reason why marriage will suddenly turn me into a woman panel-beater. If not for religion, none of what you are saying will have any merit. Religion is what is making you express these crude views. Why doesn't that same religion urge a man not to beat his wife instead of telling the wife to accept it?

topea, if the second husband is not ok, then single motherhood is always an option.

Once beaten twiceshy.
This time I was able to make the right decision.
If my husband starts beating me I would not end the marriage, although I would be extremely unhappy.
But my ex was not just beating me, there was alt more.- Mental abuse and humiliation.
He was also bringing his girlfriends home.
HE was also insanely jealous.
No it would be difficult to bump into such a man again

I'm happy for you, nawah. Don't let them make you guilty over your happiness.

Now we have all focussed on women s being the victim of matrimonial oppression. But we also have men who are terribly abused, humuliated and brutalised. Women who are so troublesome that they can slap you in the presence of your driver, domestic staff, friends or anyone whomsoever. Ironically the men that marry such women are usually the soft ones who cannot beat or shout or anything of such. What then is the way out? Second wife? Drinking? Divorce? Sleeping out?
In as much as i agree that women are the weaker party in this case, men also have their own share of matrimonial discord and brutality.

topea:

Now we have all focussed on women s being the victim of matrimonial oppression. But we also have men who are terribly abused, humuliated and brutalised. Women who are so troublesome that they can slap you in the presence of your driver, domestic staff, friends or anyone whomsoever. Ironically the men that marry such women are usually the soft ones who cannot beat or shout or anything of such. What then is the way out? Second wife? Drinking? Divorce? Sleeping out?
In as much as i agree that women are the weaker party in this case, men also have their own share of matrimonial discord and brutality.

They don't know, my brother. We need to tell them.


There are two cases I know of in the US. Two popular gospel artiste (I will not mention their names, indeed they are household names all over the world) divorced their husbands, and married other women's husbands. They took their kids with them, and left their husbands completely devastated.

I believe a divorce should be a last resort thing when couples reach an impasse. But the fact is most people who divorce are more likely to do that the second time around.So i believe couples should see marriages through ,after all most of our parents manage to stay together and im sure they had their own share of problems. The issue is that now adays we are all aware of our rights as women or men and marriages are more of a battle ground on which cuoples are constantly trying to lookout for themselves as individuals rather than collectively.

The way out remains open to both parties. I totally agree that women can be terrible too.
God save us from marriages that can torment us.
When I left my ex I did it with the consent of my family. It was a sort of constructive dissertation. He just made things so impossible for me to remain there,
HE wanted to take a second wife and really started going bunkers. Stopped eating at home. HE asked me to pack out and whenever I leave the house, he´ll come and drag me back.
He first started locking his room, them he started locking me out of my room as well.  When he comes home late in the night or early in the morning he would open the door.  HE stopped buying food an  providing for the house and at the same time would demand I give him my whole salary. He also took the car keys away from me. It was so terrible, try getting to work when you live in Lagos without money and a car.
I  tried pleading with him but he would not listen, his intended wife was a lot older than me and she did not have any intentions of sharing
Anyway he used to beat me so bad them this time not just to humiliate me but really with hate. He kept bringing people to the house to ask me to leave.
Finally I went to his village to talk with his family, they where sympathetic and promised to intervene but did not, i guess my ex was the bread winner and called the shorts.
When I saw no way out I decided to leave the country, it was just too much, comming from all sides. His junger cousins had also confided in me that he my ex was consulting mallams to "weaken my spirit" because the new wife was afraid to enter the house while Iwas there.
The day I was leaving for Europe he brought the new wife in, he could not even wait for me to leave

@Nawah,
I expected you should have calmly called this other woman to order (prayerfully). You see, you shouldn't have divorced that man at all. That woman was among the source of your predicament in your family. And that's glaring for all to see. When you have a problem with your husband, you've got to settle it with this man alone. No third parties. No parents telling you what to do. Nobody. Just yourself and your husband. Third parties, often times, make matters worse. They will tell you what you want to hear, because you're not in a good mood.

I told my wife, I dislike women who can't stand up to their men. You've got to stand up to him. How? When he beats you up, you leave the house for him. Don't tell him your whereabout, so he could locate you. Don't divorce him yet. While you're away, do not develop hatred for him. For Gods sake, he's your huband, the man you vowed to love and cherish all your life. Pray for him, that's why you're a christian. In times of tribulations, run to the Lord for refuge, or don't you know how to do that?

Tell this present huband, you've got a restitution to make. And go back to your husband. He needs you. And if you can't go back, then stay away from any other man until your husband dies. Then the new man can come and ask your hand in marriage - yes, that's from the Bible, not me.

Ishould stay away from the one man that realy loves me and showed me what it means to be loved and appreciated as a woman?
I am a burnt child you know. I was neglected very often by my parents, emotionally and financially. My father was a very aggressive man and i got alot of bashings from him right up to when I was married. That is probably what drove me so fast into that marriage.
And then after years of pain, I meet for the first time someone that changed my life for ever.
MY husband knew without my telling him that I had been through alot. Right at the beginning he said to me, he is going to be my motherr my father, my husband, my lover, and my friend, and he has kept his promise ever since.
I can trust him with my life, now i Know what it means to be one with a man.
Anyway Ono sorry to disapoint you but since no party involved is a christian I guess I can stay where am at.

nawah:

I should stay away from the one man that really loves me and showed me what it means to be loved and appreciated as a woman?

I am a burnt child you know. I was neglected very often by my parents, emotionally and financially. My father was a very aggressive man and i got a lot of bashings from him right up to when I was married. That is probably what drove me so fast into that marriage.

Anyway Ono sorry to disapoint you but since no party involved is a christian I guess I can stay where am at.

So, nawah, does your religion support divorce? And I do not know what you mean by being your being burnt at your childhood

Well, I will like to invite you to a way of life that's completely founded on the love for mankind by Jesus Christ. He knows our sorrows, he holds us in his palms, he cares and he feels every pains we're passing through at the moment. He will come and save you.

I will send you a PM from my walla account. So sad, this type of mail from a site admin?

By being burnt as a child i mean that I have also been  maltreated with abuse as a child, mentally and physically.
Do you think Christ would have wanted me to hide in a corner and wait for Oga to decide one day that he desires me back? I do not think Christ would have wanted that, he represents love and compasion.  and forgiveness.
I have forgiven my ex, with all my heart and we communicate regularly, but that is where it ends
It is okay Seun, he is expressing his own opinion. I know it is  a bit hard to swallow but all the same he has a right to his opinion. Sadlythere are allot of people out there who think like him.

Those of us who believe that there's always a way out of the woods(a reasonable way) in every situation are amongst the happiest people on this planet. You're welcome to join us.

I honestly marvel at the way Seun reacts to peoples opinion on this site. It's OK. He's just a young chap. Maybe it has something to do with his temperament. No problem.

@Nawah, I'm so glad to know you've been communicating with this man. I thought the man wasn't approachable from the way you first described him. God is great!! And to know you've forgiven him too, now, isn't that wonderful?? Now, c'mon, surely you are a sweet lady. Oh how I wish you can just go back to him. I know he'll accept you. When you forgive, you should forget as well. I know it's hard, but it's the best way my dear sister.

Now, I want you to also forgive your parents. You're wiser now. Don't let them live with regrets from maltreating you from your childhood days.

Let us love one another. We can make the world a better place through love. Peace.

Ono, how in heavens sake should I go back. I mean I have  5 kids with my husband and they need me too. May ex would never even let them step into his house. You see even if I wanted to this situation is iirreversible.
The issue of forgiving my parents does not even arise. You know there is something marvelous about the love of a child, it is simply unconditional. IT took me a long time tio rrealizethat what my parents were doning was not right. but I cannot sit in Judgment over them. I have my hands busy trying to be a good mother to my children.
Ono, my question to you . Is it right to leave a man who has been so good to me to go back to an ex after 10 yyears

nawah:

Ono, my question to you . Is it right to leave a man who has been so good to me to go back to an ex after 10 yyears

Surely, nawah, you are my sister. And I must confess I respect you and your views. God will help us all. It is not easy. Yourself and 2Cantango are loved. May the Peace of the Lord from above rest on you both and comfort you.

You have YIM? Then we can chat on this. I'm glad to know you've already forgiven your parents. Do you still visit them? Peace be unto your home.

I want to ask you one question: Would you like to go back to your ex,? Only YES or NO answers, please. No story and excuses. Marriage is a serious matter that must be faced squarely and sincerely. Do you believe in the power of forgiveness?? You once said you were rushed into your former marriage. I think something is still been hidden from all. If you want it discussed in private, then let's chat on YIM.

Peace.

Hmmm I have a PTA to attend, will post on this later.

counsellor ono, just for the records; are you married?

Now to your question Ono,
WHen I left my husband and my marriage, I gave up everything I worked to build up in Nigeria, my Career, friends.
The answer is NO Never. MY God that man treated me llike his servant in the day and his LovePeddler at night. No never.
There is no secret about why I rushed into my marriage - I was unwanted at home and despite my good education I was never the kind of girl who could live on her own.

Well, capital NO. Ok, thanks for the reply.

Now, my people, it beats me that there are people who can be heartless in our societies, men and women alike. @nawah, two wrongs does not make a right, y'know. I'll leave this matter to rest now. Let God take control. He knows I've done His bidding on this.

Peace.

answer this all of you,
how will u feel , or wot will u do, when u have 7 kids, and u found out on an unfaithful day, that ur husband his dead, . wot will u do, , this is a life issue, and i need ur answer, just like someone i know have been through it , that i know off.

i'll move on with my life

Think of men and women who have to put up with repeated physical abuse or a promiscous spouse with all this AIDS scare. I would divorce if my marriage wasn't happy or if it put my life or my children's in danger, but only as a last resort.

Are you married? If yes, then when you divorce that man, you must remember that you're not going to have to marry another man.

If you're not, take time to pray for your would-be husband today. Tell God to lead you to the man perfect for you. And He will do it. We've had to deal with too many terrible situations on marriages in this world. Peace.