UjuJoan2:


I'm honestly not bothered about them, I know how difficult it is for MEN to accept the truth that their actions have direct consequences in the long run. Nigerian men are laden with this 'God complex' and most times it's difficult for them to realize that they will have to be held accountable for their mistakes, just like use mere mortals (women).

Let's take for instance a man who dated a woman for 10 years, probably even dis-virgined her . . at the point when he becomes finally stable he realizes she's not his 'type' and begins to mess around with other women. The will act like they are doing her a favor. . . . The woman, who thinks the odds are already against her will stay and hope he comes around eventually. But it doesn't stop the resentment from building. It doesn't stop the hatred from brewing . . . Eventually when he marries her after dangling marriage around like a carrot, and she realizes the burden of raising his family is actually on her, she sees the enormity of the sacrifices she has to make and realizes he's just not worth it and never earned her, she begins to act up. . . . Actions = Reactions!!! I'm a marriage counselor of sorts and I know what I see/hear on a regular basis.

Same goes for a cheating man . . . Many women will never walk out of a cheating spouse. But if a woman is aware of her husband's indiscretions, there's noting stopping her from doing same. I know the men will want to have my neck for this too but it's just the truth. Any woman who gladly accepts a cheating husband is definitely cheating herself. I just pity these men who cheat and flaunt it thinking their wives have no option. She may play the docile wife, but who knows what she's also up to.

Untill men learn to respect and treasure women, there will always be dysfunctional marriages.

@ bolded, you hit the nail on the head very perfectly. Even in marriages where the courtship went smoothly, the women sometimes act up because of that same reason. They get married and suddenly realise that marriage is not a small feat for many women and that they are more disadvantaged in the long run, for example they might have to work full time and be co breadwinners while being primarily responsible for house and kids and sometimes they must also put up with husbands constantly decreasing concern and attention for them and then frustration and disappointment sets in and then they start acting up.

CHoccolaTE:



Many men are actually in such marriages presently, even the so called observable ones.

Well it is men that didn't do there due diligence search very well, that end up with such type of women.
A well looking man don't end up with such.
And some that made such mistake, if its the one they can manage, they will, but if not. Everybody will answer him papa name.


Na so a distant cousin of mine married such, it didn't last up to 2 years he cancelled the marriage.
He was lucky to later get a good woman. Today they live happily in the US.
Abeg Marriage is meant to be enjoyed.

djon78:


Well it is men that didn't do there due diligence search very well, that end up with such type of women.
A well looking man don't end up with such.
And some that made such mistake, if its the one they can manage, they will, but if not. Everybody will answer him papa name.


Na so a distant cousin of mine married such, it didn't last up to 2 years he cancelled the marriage.
He was lucky to later get a good woman. Today they live happily in the US.
Abeg Marriage is meant to be enjoyed.

First of all, forget long story most men are easy to manipulate. Even after due diligence they still get conned.
Secondly, yes you are right marriage is meant to be enjoyed that's why I wish many Nigerians would have sense and stop stigmatizing single women or divorced women and pushing them to stay in unhappy unions.

CHoccolaTE:


First of all, forget long story most men are easy to manipulate. Even after due diligence they still get conned.
Secondly, yes you are right marriage is meant to be enjoyed that's why I wish many Nigerians would have sense and stop stigmatizing single women or divorced women and pushing them to stay in unhappy unions.

Yes some get coned but if its the one they can manage they do but if its the one they can't it gets broken.
There are things that can be tolerated but when one enters into ones unbearable, then everyone goes there way.
But its very wrong for one to enter marriage with a revenge mindset, its evil simple.


Single women or divorced women who is pushing them? Its there choice. Everyone have choices. When my sister was having issues with her husband, she wanted to quit, even the guy was tired. But I told them that there issue was redeemable, that they should exercise Patience. They listened and worked on themselves, under one year, everything became lovely again.

But if it wasn't redeemable then she would have quit. It was her call to make. Society will always be society, but ones happiness shouldn't be based on what society thinks.
Each person is meant to be happy and enjoy life.

djon78:



Yes some get coned but if its the one they can manage they do but if its the one they can't it gets broken.
There are things that can be tolerated but when one enters into ones unbearable, then everyone goes there way.
But its very wrong for one to enter marriage with a revenge mindset, its evil simple.


Single women or divorced women who is pushing them? Its there choice. Everyone have choices. When my sister was having issues with her husband, she wanted to quit, even the guy was tired. But I told them that there issue was redeemable, that they should exercise Patience. They listened and worked on themselves, under one year, everything became lovely again.

But if it wasn't redeemable then she would have quit. It was her call to make. Society will always be society, but ones happiness shouldn't be based on what society thinks.
Each person is meant to be happy and enjoy life.

Wo, just as there are men that exact revenge on wives during marriage for reasons best known to them there are also women. It goes both ways.

And I insist than many men get conned easily, women are talented manipulators. Even if he leaves her after marriage she won't care cos she can now boast of being married before.

CHoccolaTE:


This is a good point please ignore the pin heads critisizing you. Let's be realistic, women are under immense pressure in Nigeria to get married, even when they have not found the person they are compatible with, once they get to a certain age they start hearing insults about their singleness, insults like old cargo, evening newspaper, Shiloh customer, she get bad character that's why she never marry and so on.

These same women desperately bear all manner of rubbish in relationships just to escape pressure and insults and get married. It's not easy for them to just end relationships and go back to searching in old age so she bears crap treatment from the man but then gets married and starts to remember all the maltreatment and starts acting up in marriage.

I don't know of those attacking your post live overseas or if they don't ever leave their houses to know what happens in Nigeria

Why do Nairalanders always treat romance or family topics as Male versus Female issue? Females supports female stands and males mostly do the same too.

CHoccolaTE:


Wo, just as there are men that exact revenge on wives during marriage for reasons best known to them there are also women. It goes both ways.

And I insist than many men get conned easily, women are talented manipulators. Even if he leaves her after marriage she won't care cos she can now boast of being married before.

And he doesn't care either, moves on to another one. Also fortunate that he dodged a bullet, because that's a union made in hell.

djon78:


And he doesn't care either, moves on to another one. Also fortunate that he dodged a bullet, because that's a union made in hell.

That one no concern me

am talking about change in character once they get married

frozen70g:


I mentioned factor that affects marriage, you are talking about being being truthful and lying, your commitment is not connecting

so how is any of those factors u mentioned a reason to lie?

UjuJoan2:


I'm honestly not bothered about them, I know how difficult it is for MEN to accept the truth that their actions have direct consequences in the long run. Nigerian men are laden with this 'God complex' and most times it's difficult for them to realize that they will have to be held accountable for their mistakes, just like use mere mortals (women).

Let's take for instance a man who dated a woman for 10 years, probably even dis-virgined her . . at the point when he becomes finally stable he realizes she's not his 'type' and begins to mess around with other women. The will act like they are doing her a favor. . . . The woman, who thinks the odds are already against her will stay and hope he comes around eventually. But it doesn't stop the resentment from building. It doesn't stop the hatred from brewing . . . Eventually when he marries her after dangling marriage around like a carrot, and she realizes the burden of raising his family is actually on her, she sees the enormity of the sacrifices she has to make and realizes he's just not worth it and never earned her, she begins to act up. . . . Actions = Reactions!!! I'm a marriage counselor of sorts and I know what I see/hear on a regular basis.

Same goes for a cheating man . . . Many women will never walk out of a cheating spouse. But if a woman is aware of her husband's indiscretions, there's noting stopping her from doing same. I know the men will want to have my neck for this too, but it's just the truth. Any woman who gladly accepts a cheating husband is definitely cheating herself. I just pity these men who cheat and flaunt it thinking their wives have no option. She may play the docile wife, but who knows what she's also up to.

Untill men learn to respect and treasure women, there will always be dysfunctional marriages.

You might actually be going about this all wrong, no pun intended.

Shouldn't you be counselling women to grow some cojonés and self-confidence along with a healthy dose of self-esteem, which will stop them from marrying jerks, only to turn around and pay the jerk back after getting married to him?

You're making a case for and glorifying emotional/psychological disorders without knowing it. What else would make a human being choose to stay with another just because they are nursing a plan to hurt them back? This is classic psychopath behavior.

It's like telling a faithful man to forgive and marry his fiancée who has been round the block & back, and when he begins cheating on her after marriage, you probably gonna say 'she had it coming'.
Really?

crackhaus:

You might actually be going about this all wrong, no pun intended.

Shouldn't you be counselling women to grow some cojonés and self-confidence along with a healthy dose of self-esteem, which will stop them from marrying jerks, only to turn around and pay the jerk back after getting married to him?

You're making a case for and glorifying emotional/psychological disorders without knowing it. What else would make a human being choose to stay with another just because they are nursing a plan to hurt them back? This is classic psychopath behavior.

It's like telling a faithful man to forgive and marry his fiancée who has been round the block & back, and when he begins cheating on her after marriage, you probably gonna say 'she had it coming'.
Really?

Rightly put!!

Not only can she boast as being married according to you. She can also leave the marriage with children, to me that's one of the biggest benefit.

It's funny the men arguing with you are not aware that some ladies just ''marry off'' to have kids, if they feel time is running out.

CHoccolaTE:


Wo, just as there are men that exact revenge on wives during marriage for reasons best known to them there are also women. It goes both ways.

And I insist than many men get conned easily, women are talented manipulators. Even if he leaves her after marriage she won't care cos she can now boast of being married before.

LilMissFavvy:
Not only can she boast as being married according to you. She can also leave the marriage with children, to me that's one of the biggest benefit.

It's funny the men arguing with you are not aware that some ladies just ''marry off'' to have kids, if they feel time is running out.

They like telling themselves that women need marriage to continue existing or to be happy.

CHoccolaTE:


They like telling themselves that women need marriage to continue existing or to be happy.

You're shooting yourself in the foot, it's comical.

A woman that feels she has to get married because her time is running out or because she needs to have kids, was NEVER happy in the first place.
So yes in fact, this woman has gotten married just to attain happiness - it's not men saying this, it's you and the women doing this, that are saying it themselves.

crackhaus:

You might actually be going about this all wrong, no pun intended.

Shouldn't you be counselling women to grow some cojonés and self-confidence along with a healthy dose of self-esteem, which will stop them from marrying jerks, only to turn around and pay the jerk back after getting married to him?

You're making a case for and glorifying emotional/psychological disorders without knowing it. What else would make a human being choose to stay with another just because they are nursing a plan to hurt them back? This is classic psychopath behavior.

It's like telling a faithful man to forgive and marry his fiancée who has been round the block & back, and when he begins cheating on her after marriage, you probably gonna say 'she had it coming'.
Really?

I'm not making a case for or justifying anything. I can't remember expressly stating that it was right, did I? I'm just stating a fact and pointing out how people can react to situations.

It might not be a case of consiously nursing a plan, it could just be a reaction to the realisation that staying with him through all that just wasn't worth it to begin with.

Your own example doesn't quite reflect the situation I was describing. In reality have you ever met a man who would marry his cheating fiancee who is not even remorseful? That never happens. But we see women marry their cheating fiances everyday, even when they show no remorse.

The situation is clearly not ideal. If it were, no woman will ever sell herself short. But the society has labelled single women over 30 failures, so women tend to remain in terrible situations just to feel accomplished.

In any case, I don't think cheating in a relationship is 'cheating' in the real sense. If you want someone to be committed to you, marry them . (This is strictly a personal opinion)

crackhaus:

You're shooting yourself in the foot, it's comical.

A woman that feels she has to get married because her time is running out or because she needs to have kids, was NEVER happy in the first place.
So yes in fact, this woman has gotten married just to attain happiness - it's not men saying this, it's you and the women doing this, that are saying it themselves.

Do you even realise than men change too after marriage? It's not one-sided.

I know a man who shaved off his dred because the girl he was courting didn't like it. Guess what happened after they got married? He grew it right back!

Men also get married just to tick the box and do what the society expects of men. A lot of men date 'crazy' girls but when the time for marriage comes they go for 'homely' girls, just to please their family.

I'm clearly not justfying such behaviour, but it doesn't change the fact that it happens everyday.

crackhaus:

You might actually be going about this all wrong, no pun intended.

Shouldn't you be counselling women to grow some cojonés and self-confidence along with a healthy dose of self-esteem, which will stop them from marrying jerks, only to turn around and pay the jerk back after getting married to him?

You're making a case for and glorifying emotional/psychological disorders without knowing it. What else would make a human being choose to stay with another just because they are nursing a plan to hurt them back? This is classic psychopath behavior.

It's like telling a faithful man to forgive and marry his fiancée who has been round the block & back, and when he begins cheating on her after marriage, you probably gonna say 'she had it coming'.
Really?

I was going to say this.

Like I always say, when it comes to marriage, the average Nigerian man & woman is very dysfunctional.

A shitty guy would not lose his sting after marriage especially in our society where people are reluctant to separate or divorce.

bukatyne:


I was going to say this.

Like I always say, when it comes to marriage, the average Nigerian man & woman is very dysfunctional.

A shitty guy would not lose his sting after marriage especially in our society where people are reluctant to separate or divorce.

It's the society, we have things backwards here in Nigeria.

We've all been a victims of the culture and societal pressures, which is often lopsided against women.

I could preach a sermon all day about how women should stand up for themselves and know their worth, but it still won't change the fact that things like this will keep happening.

Again, for emphasis, people changing after marriage is not restricted to women only. Men do it too.

UjuJoan2:


Do you even realise than men change too after marriage? It's not one-sided.

I know a man who shaved off his dred because the girl he was courting didn't like it. Guess what happened after they got married? He grew it right back!

Men also get married just to tick the box and do what the society expects of men. A lot of men date 'crazy' girls but when the time for marriage comes they go for 'homely' girls, just to please their family.

I'm clearly not justfying such behaviour, but it doesn't change the fact that it happens everyday.

Lol, yes men can change too after getting married. I don't believe I stated anything to the contrary.

But seeing that the purpose of this thread isn't about men changing, neither am I explaining (justifying) why a man should change, then there was really no need for this comment.

GreatResearcher:
am talking about change in character once they get marriedso how is any of those factors u mentioned a reason to lie?

Any of those factors can trigger a change in marriage

Bozzyironlady:
Mr greatresearcher.

I don't understand your purpose of opening thread upon thread based on your marriage and moreover its not like it's anyone's fault.

Sorry to sound like this, but your marriage will never work not with the kind of foundation you with on it.

Your wife doesn't give the tinest bit of fvck and she will never love you, she's just there for the things you promised her.

So zero your mind about it working out,and start fvcking her to give you dem babies at least not to lose out completely.

Stop with all this pity party you throwing for your self, you were warned.

I wonder o. He knew what he was getting himself into, now he won't allow us hear word. Their marriage is contract and the foundation is money, so why the fvck is he disturbing us with his endless whining? Did he expect 'happily ever after' when her only attraction to him was the financial and material gains he promised in exchange for temporary marriage?

He was warned!!

UjuJoan2:


I'm not making a case for or justifying anything. I can't remember expressly stating that it was right, did I? I'm just stating a fact and pointing out how people can react to situations.

It might not be a case of consiously nursing a plan, it could just be a reaction to the realisation that staying with him through all that just wasn't worth it to begin with.

Your own example doesn't quite reflect the situation I was describing. In reality have you ever met a man who would marry his cheating fiancee who is not even remorseful? That never happens. But we see women marry their cheating fiances everyday, even when they show no remorse.

The situation is clearly not ideal. If it were, no woman will ever sell herself short. But the society has labelled single women over 30 failures, so women tend to remain in terrible situations just to feel accomplished.

In any case, I don't think cheating in a relationship is 'cheating' in the real sense. If you want someone to be committed to you, marry them . (This is strictly a personal opinion)

Exactly the point I'm making.
A man would NEVER marry a woman he knows to either be unrepentantly loose or character flawed. These women will be excessively fvcked, but they will not be married - that's men for you.

What you ought to do is counsel and advise women to develop the confidence and esteem to choose what will be healthy for them in the long run, regardless of what society thinks. Society itself is not a biological organism but a social organism - it does not think for itself.
What do you think will happen when more and more women decide enough is enough and they will just not be bothered about 'settling' even if it means staying single till they're 40? The same society starts getting used to the new trend, it's that simple really.

Like I sometimes discuss with my closest female friends - trying to get men to stop cheating or bragging about being polygamous is an exercise in futility. Instead, y'all should get more women to be confident in themselves and not accept their fate just because 'time is running out'.
Before you know it, the same men will begin readjusting to the new trend. Men then will begin to understand that before any woman accepts their marriage proposal, they must be on their best behavior..and not even try to change after getting married because the woman is also not scared of leaving in style regardless of what society thinks. It's basic social engineering (or "reengineering" in this case).


Uju me wey no be feminist or equality activist, I swear I have more ideas than majority of the so-called Nigerian feminists running their mouth with nothing upstairs - which is basically why they're hardly taken seriously.
Men are dogs, men are dogs...on and on... yet for every male dog outchea, there are at least three(3) available bítches willing to do his bidding and grateful to wear his ring, yet still they think men are the problem of society? lol.
It's like trying to shoot at a moving target

bukatyne:


I was going to say this.

Like I always say, when it comes to marriage, the average Nigerian man & woman is very dysfunctional.

A shitty guy would not lose his sting after marriage especially in our society where people are reluctant to separate or divorce.

Welcome to the 21st century.
Why don't you grab a chair love, things are just getting started

crackhaus:

Lol, yes men can change too after getting married. I don't believe I stated anything to the contrary.

But seeing that the purpose of this thread isn't about men changing, neither am I explaining (justifying) why a man should change, then there was really no need for this comment.

Touche!

crackhaus:

Exactly the point I'm making.
A man would NEVER marry a woman he knows to either be unrepentantly loose or character flawed. These women will be excessively fvcked, but they will not be married - that's men for you.

What you ought to do is counsel and advise women to develop the confidence and esteem to choose what will be healthy for them in the long run, regardless of what society thinks. Society itself is not a biological organism but a social organism - it does not think for itself.
What do you think will happen when more and more women decide enough is enough and they will just not be bothered about 'settling' even if it means staying single till they're 40? The same society starts getting used to the new trend, it's that simple really.

Like I sometimes discuss with my closest female friends - trying to get men to stop cheating or bragging about being polygamous is an exercise in futility. Instead, y'all should get more women to be confident in themselves and not accept their fate just because 'time is running out'.
Before you know it, the same men will begin readjusting to the new trend. Men then will begin to understand that before any woman accepts their marriage proposal, they must be on their best behavior..and not even try to change after getting married because the woman is also not scared of leaving in style regardless of what society thinks. It's basic social engineering (or "reengineering" in this case).


Uju me wey no be feminist or equality activist, I swear I have more ideas than majority of the so-called Nigerian feminists running their mouth with nothing upstairs - which is basically why they're hardly taken seriously.
Men are dogs, men are dogs...on and on... yet for every male dog outchea, there are at least three(3) available bítches willing to do his bidding and grateful to wear his ring, yet still they think men are the problem of society? lol.
It's like trying to shoot at a moving target

Even the holy book says a time will come when 7 women will chase after a man, and beg him to just allow them bear his name.

Untill marriage is completely eradicated, the odds will always be against women. Why do you think men will never let the idea of marriage go? They know it gives them an edge, it favours them and continuously feeds their ego. That's why despite their claim that women are hoes, they keep deceiving them into marriage everyday.

Of course we'll get there someday . . . A time when women will realise they owe nothing to anyone but themselves. But not today.

Even if it wasnt a contract marriage, wil wud hv stil displayd her bad attitude. Accordin to research, women are naturaly bad. Bad attitude is a woman's real character.

Octopusssy:

I wonder o. He knew what he was getting himself into, now he won't allow us hear word. Their marriage is contract and the foundation is money, so why the fvck is he disturbing us with his endless whining? Did he expect 'happily ever after' when her only attraction to him was the financial and material gains he promised in exchange for temporary marriage?

He was warned!!

UjuJoan2:


Let's take for instance a man who dated a woman for 10 years, probably even dis-virgined her . . at the point when he becomes finally stable he realizes she's not his 'type' and begins to mess around with other women. The will act like they are doing her a favor. . . . The woman, who thinks the odds are already against her will stay and hope he comes around eventually. But it doesn't stop the resentment from building. It doesn't stop the hatred from brewing . . . Eventually when he marries her after dangling marriage around like a carrot, and she realizes the burden of raising his family is actually on her, she sees the enormity of the sacrifices she has to make and realizes he's just not worth it and never earned her, she begins to act up. . . . Actions = Reactions!!! I'm a marriage counselor of sorts and I know what I see/hear on a regular basis.

Oh how I miss the Nairaland Family section. I read some of these posts and I just wonder how some of the people behind these monikers reason. This is not about supporting whatever a woman does because you are a woman but it's simply about being reasonable.

Please read the bolded again. So, if a man is treating a woman badly in a relationship, to the extent that resentment starts building in and the woman now hates the man, you are proposing that she goes ahead to marry that same man that she hates? Did you marry some you hate? So let me summarise your post:

1. A young lady with a bright future should continue dating a man who obviously doesn't love or value her.
2. It gets so bad that she gets fed-up and begins to resents the man and even hates him
3. So with 1 & 2 above, you propose she goes ahead and tries her best to marry the man because of societal pressure or virginity
4. When she gets married, she now begins to act crazy in revenge

What you typed is a joke. Young ladies, if a man is treating you like trash in a relationship, it wouldn't get better in marriage. Marriage is for a lifetime and you don't want to be unhappy in your marriage. Just walk out of the relationship and you will find a better man. There are good men out there who will surely locate you.

UjuJoan2:


Maybe you treated her badly while you were courting, because you thought she was desperate to hook you. And you were some kind of 'prize'. A wise woman will tolerate your shit just to ensure she doesn't lose all the years she wasted with you, and then once the deal is sealed, it's payback time.

Don't assume every man is passing through the same thing.

If you don't lay a good foundation, your marriage will suffer.

Oh no!!! Did you just type the bolded part. Like a wise woman, will tolerate a man that clearly doesn't love or value her, just to get married and hope to revenge after marriage? Like that is what a wise woman would do??

Let me educate you a bit - that is not what a wise woman will do. A wise woman will walk out of the relationship knowing that it will only get worse after marriage.

Please young ladies, you need to know your self worth, you need to value yourself so that men can value you. If you have no self worth, then men will only take advantage of you. There are some ladies that those stupid boys will never approach or try nonsense with - because they know they are women of substance and these women have self esteem. You are also responsible for how you are treated. If the same guy that is treating you like rubbish is probably worshiping another lady - you need to ask yourself why you are being treated that way. It is because he knows you will accept anything!!!

CHoccolaTE:


Wo, just as there are men that exact revenge on wives during marriage for reasons best known to them there are also women. It goes both ways.

And I insist than many men get conned easily, women are talented manipulators. Even if he leaves her after marriage she won't care cos she can now boast of being married before.

Family section!!! Where do you people even come from?

So now it is okay for a woman to marry a man she doesn't love, then she starts misbehaving after marriage and if the man leaves, the woman can go around town boasting of being married before. What kind of people are you guys?

Do you even know there are kids involved here? What do you take marriage for? A train ride you can boast of when you feel like leaving? Like seriously? What caliber of women are typing this rubbish??

GreatResearcher:
Fellow husbands in the house, are your wives attitudes while in marriage the same as when the were in courtship? I realized women characters change from almost good to very worst once they get married. Mostimes we wonder if the women we got married to are they women we dated. What could be the cause of this change in character.

Oga, don't let these women judge you - I wouldn't. You only opened a thread seeking advise. You can let us know what some of these "new attitudes" are and we can discuss it. They have all just agreed it was your fault. You never said you treated her badly or you cheated on her.

CHoccolaTE:



Many men are actually in such marriages presently, even the so called observable ones.

TooNoisy:


Family section!!! Where do you people even come from?

So now it is okay for a woman to marry a man she doesn't love, then she starts misbehaving after marriage and if the man leaves, the woman can go around town boasting of being married before. What kind of people are you guys?

Do you even know there are kids involved here? What do you take marriage for? A train ride you can boast of when you feel like leaving? Like seriously? What caliber of women are typing this rubbish??

Lwkmd @ your rage

You didn't understand the point I was trying to make and I can't be bothered to explain. Have a lovely day.