Mazaje is right on point. right on point my friend. Look at the Arowolo story ---- church probably told her to go back home to work things out ---- but she certainly can't work things out from the grave now ---

Its really sad how society keeps telling women to stay even in the face of death. The truth is we must stop caring so much about what people will say. The same fear of what people will say is what makes a lot of women marry men that they can already see all problems with simply cos they will say you haven't married. At the end of the day, if you are single they will talk, if you are waiting on the Lord for kids they will talk, if you are divorced they will talk. I beg let we women start to live and make decisions that work best for us. My mother single handledly brought up 5 of us and 4 of the 5 with SS for that matter! It was the best decision she ever made, she brought up strong and well-rounded children.

:-x

will never justify raising ur voice against a woman let alone beating her, however, wat will u do if a woman always tries to physically stop you from doing wat u want, and because, u always give in to this, she does that always. By physically, i mean shutting d door or keeping ur car keys to prevent u from going out, forcefully snatching ur phone from u while making u r making a call, throwing dangerous stuff at u, rough-handling u every morning after u r dressed for work, physically hittin u, and more

I feel deeply pained to hear wat some females r saying here abt man beating, in one incident that happened to my cuz, she got into an arguement wif her hubby and he gave her a black eye, ole boy,on hearing the news,we set out for their house in ikorodu at 3am wif cutlass and axes wif the intention of bringing this man to death! On getting there the man took off and didnt show up for weeks.after that day he never tried it, you see,it depends on whos sister u r beating.
Any man that raise their hands above my beloved sisters shuld consider themselves  DEAD the b4 me and my broda get there!

hey all, here is a perfectly legitimate time to "beat" your wife well and to your hearts desire - during s[i]e[/i]x. they like and even encourage it!

NRI PRIEST:

I feel deeply pained to hear wat some females r saying here abt man beating, in one incident that happened to my cuz, she got into an arguement wif her hubby and he gave her a black eye, ole boy,on hearing the news,we set out for their house in ikorodu at 3am wif cutlass and axes wif the intention of bringing this man to death! On getting there the man took off and didnt show up for weeks.after that day he never tried it, you see,it depends on whos sister u r beating.
Any man that raise their hands above my beloved sisters shuld consider themselves  DEAD the b4 me and my broda get there!

Hear hear

I was raised in a divorced home, my parents separated when i was seven and my Daddy took care of us all when my Mom couldn't take the emotional and psychological abuse from my Daddy anymore, and we did just fine,

My point ; the children will be alright, maybe rough handling by stepmother until you enter university but what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger and i do not think there is anything i cannot handle and so are my other siblings.

Don't take nonsense from men , you have just one life, who know if there will even be an afterlife.

Good topic, very painful and sad stories here

Every human has a female relative. So deep down we all feel the pain of spousal and women abuse. Many people have spoken well.

My contribution is to call on people like chaircover to lead the charge and work to save our society. Men will not give up this power until they are confronted. The few civil society groups we have need your help and your passion.

When John Stuart Mill wrote his book "the subjection of women" in 1861? Even he was scared to publish it, he knew his male dominated society was not ripe enough to reform itself.

For example, After centuries of social reform in America, Wife battering did not carry any substantial social stigma and it was not vigorously enforced as a criminal offense until the early 1970's, despite the laws on the books. I think the NOW(national women association) and the feminist movt was responsible for making it a big social issue.

It will take activists like chaircover and other women working hard to change the culture of battering. Men will not change by themselves.

As an aside, All these 35% allocation our women politicians pay attention to will not liberate women in Nigeria, making wife battering a serious criminal offense and demanding for specific law enforcement angles will liberate our women faster than ministerial allocation.

It's terrible what women go through here in Nigeria. Ours is a harsh brutal society, it will take some pushing.

chaircover:

There have been quite a number of threads recently on wife beating & I thought that it may be a good idea to discuss this at length here in the family section.

I have never had a hand raised against me before apart from my parents  so I probably don’t really understand what its like to be beaten by a spouse, however I thought that we can all learn from this thread, even the married ones because we all have single sisters, friends, cousins, colleagues etc share tips and pointers & advice on how to prevent it in the first instance.

Many of the stories here on NL are after the event. The essence of this thread is not just to talk about how to prevent the event but to also talk about what to do if it happens.

From experience and what I have seen, heard etc, these are some of the things that us women need to look out for before we say I do is;

A man who drinks excessively

A man who takes drugs

A man who without batting an eyelid can slap a defenceless person – eg oga slapping his gateman or driver, knowing well that the man will not strike back may one day slap defenceless you.

A man who is always angry – always seems to get involved in road rage incidents, fights at bars etc

A frustrated man who is pushed to the wall; for example He lost his job and his whole world is crashing round him may lash out at people around him.

A man who has a lot of ex-girlfriends – why do they all keep on leaving him

How does he treat his sisters and mother?

This is controversial I know, but some professions seem to have a higher incidence of wife beating. I don’t know if it is because they have a lot of untapped energy or the way that they have been trained. Should these people have stiffer judgements placed on them when they beat their wives to serve as a deterrent to others?

They way that they have been brought up? Do wife beaters learn this from their own fathers?

For those who are already married & have been through this, what did you do after the first slap? Did you pack your bags and leave immediately, report to his/your parents, make excuses for his behaviour etc

Do wife beaters ever stop being wife beaters?

Are there any justifications for a man to hit his woman?

How can we protect ourselves as women? Karate classes etc

Are there any services in Nigeria that are available to battered women & they can go to? If there are it will be nice to name them here.

I know that this topic is a very sensitive one, but If this thread is going to be of any help, please lets all be mature about how we discuss this.

Truth be told 80 percent of all these qualities you listed is a typical Nigerian man, abi we no go marry again? nobody is perfect and they are only humans too, all a woman need to do is get a job/ career / do something and don't let any MAN walk over you, stand your ground! I am sure he wont try that with you easily cos like someone already mentioned here MAJORITY of abused woman in Nigeria are the ones that solely dependent on men for everything even sanitary pads.

@jidegirl12,trust me,i will bring any man that put their hands on ma sisters a brutal justice!
ukpana okpoko gburu,nti jiri ya, any man that put their hands on a woman is a very weak coward!
i was gonna ask these women who are victim of husband beating if they dont have a brother,
and if u are a man and let another man shook hand into ur eyes by beating ur sister,then u are equally a useless goat, i dont care if u are the most powerful man on planet earth, i will bring u total anihilation!
try me and figure!

NRI PRIEST:

@jidegirl12,trust me,i will bring any man that put their hands on ma sisters a brutal justice!
ukpana okpoko gburu,nti jiri ya, any man that put their hands on a woman is a very weak coward!
i was gonna ask these women who are victim of husband beating if they dont have a brother,
and if u are a man and let another man shook hand into your eyes by beating your sister,then u are equally a useless goat, i dont care if u are the most powerful man on planet earth, i will bring u total anihilation!
try me and figure!

How does killing the man solve the problem?

This is one of the reasons i love Nairaland. It's a place where one can share and draw from one's experience. My husband started beating me when i was 5 months pregnant with our first child. I left him thinking he would come and apologise but he didn't. Worse, his mom and dad supported him and at a point my parents started singing along d same tune, all telling me it.s part of marriage and i should learn to forgive. I did just that. The second beating is one that I'll never forget, his hands on my neck strangling d life out of me, the slaps, kicking all wit my kids screaming at him to stop, which he didn't for well over an hour. I was kicked out to sleep by d staircase before phonecalls were made by my dad to forgive yet again presuming it's my fault i led my husband to such level of anger. The next day, i called a lawyer, telling him i wanted to know d law's stand on wife battery. I never got my answer, rather he went on to tell me how Jesus loves me and how i should endure and have patience cos he'll will change. Well, he didn't. I got beat up in the same gruesome pattern wit him taunting me that i can do nothing about it and that if i didn't like it, i can pack my things and leave to my parents' house where i will be forever scorned by my relatives n shamed for having a failed marriage. I called a different lawyer this time, one who didn't know me and was involved in abuse to women. She adviced me that my husband will never stop his abusive behaviour till i do something about it, encouraging me to report it to d police. It was when i was preparing my schedule to do just dt about 3 weeks ago, that my husband in his usual rage was about to hit me but this time, i had locked myself in one of the rooms wit d kids and refused to open d door. He told me that my option was to either open d door or pack my things and get out of his house d next day. I chose d later. It.s been 3 weeks now, i'm in my parents' house. I am in a state of trying to forge a life for myself and my kids. I know d future will be rocky but i'm determined to face it and conquer it for all it.s worth. If there's anything dt gives me any confidence at all, it is that i'm well educated and have a job that gives me about a quarter of a million naira a month which wit the coming years can only get higher. As 4 reconciliation, if it does happen, then there'll be some ground rules but for now, let's face each day at a time.

@daviddylan,i think u meant the little tap on the behind intimacy, well,nothing is wrong wf that one, lol
but nobody hits my sisterz, u will regret it if u survive the the war that will besiege u!

@winona,am deeply srry my sister, during PREGNANCY? Dont u have brothers ? this is very disturbing to say the least, even my neighbor will not get away wif such,
AM REALLY SRRY MA SISTER.

@Igbonla,what do u propose?
just look at winonas post!

NRI PRIEST:

@winona,am deeply srry my sister, during PREGNANCY? Dont u have brothers ? this is very disturbing to say the least, even my neighbor will not get away wif such,
AM REALLY SRRY MA SISTER.

Thanks. I am up this late cos my son is having a fever and i'm tepid sponging. About your proposal on the woman's brothers beating the man up, u forget that not everyone has brothers and in my case, my brothers are too little to attempt such if ever they will. Ignorance they say can kill. I still don't know the law's stand on wife battery. I have asked and noone seems to ve a definite, clear cut answer. I am determined to partake in d change that will curb this ill in our society even if it means speaking out of my experience so that other women can be encouraged to stand against this. It can only start from somewhere.

any wife in the house , just enroll yourself for boxing training ,no any other solution than this , he will never try it again

he made a statement that made me make up my mind he said his mom had endured worse so why would I walk out on our marriage that told me dat he wasn't gonna stop.

What a disturbing statement. Im so glad that you took it seriously as opposed to ignoring it

chaircover, Kudos for a great thread. One of the reasons Ive abandoned this board is because of such threads and the IGNORANT responses by braindead imbeeciles. I mean for how lon g can once contnue to speak against BS answers like"blah blah pray about it" 'fast and pray" "it doesnt matter if you're half dead, divorce is evil". So bloody annoying, cant stand it.

I feel bad for these women, I feel even WORSE that they come here and are told garbage by lunatics. The same pricks will be the first ones to say "why did she say" or "RIP" when the woman ends up dead

abeg I can only thank God I wasnt exposed to such madness by my parents. I know what a healthy relationship/marriage looks like, I pray others can be as lucky.

Lady Winona, I am sorry to say but thias should be d end of d road the reconcilation even if it comes will be shortlived. I am glad u have a job and income in my case my dad was smart enuf to help me get my own place before the taunting got too much. This is what I advice u to do, get a place for u and ur kids, he won't stop cos ur church thinks its ok, ur lawyer(sick man) thinks its ok, ur parents think its ok and his parents think its ok. Am sure they keep telling u its ur fault, a man hitting u with a five months pregnancy is going to kill u even if he doesn't love u for him not to vare about his unborn child says a lot to me, my advice start a new life be strong, you have kids, you owe them that, don't raise boys who think its ok for daddy to beat mummy and girls who will only date men who mistreat them cos they saw mummy staying with an abusive daddy. There is currently no law against violence against persons, d bill has been in d national assembly for years but I heard Lagos state will soon sign there law so Lagos women are lucky. Anyway, there is a law backing you to have full custody of children under 8 and mandating him to pay child support. You will face a lot of challenges and stigma if you decide to leave but after 2 years when you have rebuilt ur life u will look back and know it was worth it

First, I need to point out that this thread is just another propaganda effort by the poster. If in fact the subject was aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution. Then that should be the title of the thread, to call it wife beating has already framed the discussion within a biased set of parameters, which is what chaircover wanted.

The truth is that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution, is sometimes necessary. There are women who by there nature require to be corrected aggressively in order for the message to penetrate their skulls. Also there are women who perform better in their day to day lives when they have someone who takes a firm hand in domestic issues.

We all know that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution is really a sign of love when it is applied by the man. It shows that he cares for his woman / wife and can actually take the time to correct her. When a woman tries this it is a sign of an underlying mental health issue and her family should assist the man in getting her some help.

I have always wondered how those men who do not practise aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution manage their women / wives.

Really the usual divisions on NL once again play a part here. We Nigerians view this in a certain way. The Internet Nigerians who live in the white man’s land have imbibed what passes for culture in those lands and are spewing it here.
I stand to be corrected but aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution has produced happy, well adjusted women, which in turn makes the home happy.

I must add though that there are cases when aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution is taken too far. As in all things, when done excessively it is extremely counter productive. Most times this is caused by:
1. Sheer ignorance on the part of the man, he maybe young, uneducated, has a militarized mind etc.
2. Substance abuse, such as alcohol, hard drugs etc.
3. Emotional stress

All these issues should be addressed, while understanding that it is not the aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution that is the problem but the underlying factor.

Please enough of this “I wanna be white” mentality.

Wife beating is not going to stop anytime soon, and no, its not just the fault of men. Most abusers show their traits early on, but we are a materialistic society. The house, cars and comfortable lifestyle is all women want to see, hoping they can change this guy later on.

Outstrip:

The other thing that goes hand in hand with women taking control of hteir lives is what women say. Nigerian women should stop making comments like "my husband's house". Start using the term "our home". "our property". The day he says pack out of my house you will look at him and say you mean our house? If your in laws com e to visit you do not need to be aggressive to show them that it is your home. The words you say let them know whose home it is. You don't have to fight your people or kill yourself with stress to show that you make as much sacrifices for your marraige as their brother does. In many ways the woman sets the tone of things. If the man decides to be physically abusive then that is on him but you are the one who also makes the choice on what you will hang around and put up with.

See, this is the kind of stuff women do that eventually breeds abusers. If you have to "prove" the house is "ours", this is already a bad sign in the relationship. Instead of fighting with his in-laws (yes, this is where it will end up even though you tried not to be aggressive at the beginning), what happened to talking about it with your husband in a civilized manner. If he wont listen to you then, you have bigger problems.

Johndoe100:

First, I need to point out that this thread is just another propaganda effort by the poster. If in fact the subject was aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution. Then that should be the title of the thread, to call it wife beating has already framed the discussion within a biased set of parameters, which is what chaircover wanted.

The truth is that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution, is sometimes necessary. There are women who by there nature require to be corrected aggressively in order for the message to penetrate their skulls. Also there are women who perform better in their day to day lives when they have someone who takes a firm hand in domestic issues.

Are we refering to an adult female here or a 5 yr old that needs to be "handled firmly" before simple instruction penetrates her skull?

Johndoe100:

We all know that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution is really a sign of love when it is applied by the man. It shows that he cares for his woman / wife and can actually take the time to correct her. When a woman tries this it is a sign of an underlying mental health issue and her family should assist the man in getting her some help.

slapping your wife as an act of love? I geddit now, let me start practicing.

Johndoe100:

I have always wondered how those men who do not practise aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution manage their women / wives.

Is the woman an uncultured animal that needs to be beaten to be "managed"? I would beg to differ . . . my mother is not a goat thank you.

birdman:

Wife beating is not going to stop anytime soon, and no, its not just the fault of men. Most abusers show their traits early on, but we are a materialistic society. The house, cars and comfortable lifestyle is all women want to see, hoping they can change this guy later on.

Gbam! I've always said, a man who would abuse you shows his hand earlier in the relationship but most women choose to ignore it. I cant count the number of women who say stuff like wanting a man who can "put me in my place when i'm being cocky" (i'm serious!). I just spoke to a friend this evening who is willing to turn down a perfect gentleman doctor because she feels he has no "swag" i.e. he is too soft, too nice, caters to her every need and is too sensitive to her needs. I couldnt believe my ears!

Rather she wants a man who has "ego", can push her around the place and slap her down when she needs it!   no kidding!

One random woman doesnt speak for everyone, David

^I dont think its just one random woman. I cant count how many times a woman claims she is looking for one thing (a gentleman), and automatically chooses the opposite ( a bad boy) when given a choice. It obviously doesn't make violence ok, but i'm surprised that they are surprised when mr. bad boy starts to act bad.

ThiefOfHearts:

One random woman doesnt speak for everyone, David

I hope so. Unfortunately i see it all the time . . . it must be the excitement the "bad boy" brings. Amazing how a professional woman rejects a man who makes breakfast for her in bed, washes her car on weekends and sensitive enough to get her thrash once a week . . . in favour of your typical street boy with very little respect for her.

Like birdman said . . . most women pretend to be surprised when mr bad boy decides to show his true colors. Many gullible women simply chalk this up as "love".

Kinda like how men have the virginal wives at home yet cheat on her with the nastiness LovePeddler in the name of excitement? ie Tiger Woods, Sandra Bullock's husband, Elliot Spitzer, rich Naija men and aristos etc

You are right that some people are gullible. doesnt mean we shouldnt speak out against abuse, for how long can we say "well you should have known"

Some of the responses here does show that this problem will be with us for a long while, a job or "secret' personal properties does not offer any exemption from beating, in fact, those can only offer false sense of hope and confidence that could lead to further beating. There are many working women in abusive marriages living and hoping for a change, the banker woman that was stabbed to death recently had a job and was even financing the management of her home! It is also not a cultural thing as men generally seek to dominate a weaker being (man or woman), it is worse in some other societies where the men would rather kill the wife because it is an easier route than beating or divorcing the woman.

Are we raising our kids such that they will respect their spouses when they eventually get married?
Do we have good understanding of marriage before jumping into it?
What is the success plan for each individual in the marriage?

Marriage, like other endeavors, is not easy and can only end well if people understand how to succeed. It does require a lot of work and sacrifices which is why women are often encourage to endure! And if you believe in the bible, then divorce cannot be an option when faced with a violent spouse, maybe separation until whenever the issues can be resolved (otherwise you stay separated).

On another note, I am sure there are women battering their husbands too   but probably wont be in the news because of the shame that could accompany such news.

David and birdman I beg to differ like Lady Winona said her own beating started when she was 5 months pregnant. My own case my ex was like my brother if der was someone I thought I knew inside out it will be him, his dad was abusive yes but he always defended his mom, even when his mom ended up in d hospital sometimes he will be with her in d hospital while I will be with his younger sibblings taking care of them. He was vehemently against smoking and drinking, it was always just me and him never caught him cheating, ours like a fairy tale dat ended badly. My dad almost raised him cos we were neighbors and family friends so he took him under his wings cos he didn't want him learning those steps from his dad. Anyway,like I said just 2 months hanging with his dad was able to undo all dat and bring out a monster, he wasn't very successful when we were dating, six months to d wedding he got a good job and invested in a business opportunity which snowballed, when he became successful dats when his dad reached out it seemed his dad showed him he was proud of him something he had secretly always hoped for cos he had no relationship with his dad. One day he told me dat marriage is different fro dating dat in dating if I don't want something I can leave but in marriage its forever so am stuck with him. There are lots of men like dat who only show after marriage

NRI PRIEST:

@Igbonla,what do u propose?
just look at winonas post!

Yep, saw her post and it is sad, really sad. I did propose an option in another write up up there - separation, she need to stay away to save her life and until the husband comes to his senses.

debrief08:

David and birdman I beg to differ like Lady Winona said her own beating started when she was 5 months pregnant. My own case my ex was like my brother if der was someone I thought I knew inside out it will be him, his dad was abusive yes but he always defended his mom, even when his mom ended up in d hospital sometimes he will be with her in d hospital while I will be with his younger sibblings taking care of them. He was vehemently against smoking and drinking, it was always just me and him never caught him cheating, ours like a fairy tale dat ended badly. My dad almost raised him cos we were neighbors and family friends so he took him under his wings cos he didn't want him learning those steps from his dad. Anyway,like I said just 2 months hanging with his dad was able to undo all dat and bring out a monster, he wasn't very successful when we were dating, six months to d wedding he got a good job and invested in a business opportunity which snowballed, when he became successful dats when his dad reached out it seemed his dad showed him he was proud of him something he had secretly always hoped for cos he had no relationship with his dad. One day he told me dat marriage is different fro dating dat in dating if I don't want something I can leave but in marriage its forever so am stuck with him. There are lots of men like dat who only show after marriage

My post wasn't to make light of your situation. I was just pointing out a few things to those generalizing about men being wife-beaters. By the way, yours is a nightmare scenario, someone you love suddenly flips a switch and they become someone else. There is no way to detect such people - this is an inherent (and scary) risk of marriage. Thankfully, you got out alive