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Re: by Nobody: 6:59am On Sep 14, 2011
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Re: by Nobody: 7:11am On Sep 14, 2011
Chaircover Gender Alert works to help battered women, like I said d law has been in National Assembly for 6 years, Lagos state has passed a law and is about to sign and pass it. Relief is coming to Lagos Women soon, women else where hmmm, you see why I support Lagos State laws the Governor seems to have his head well placed, he also signed a life sentence for rapist law and child violators. For now we re basically on our own, we need to stand strong and rebuild ur life, as you can see its one of the hardest things in Nigeria no support whatsoever, best we can do is write to our legislators to push for the passing of the bill
Re: by birdman(m): 7:17am On Sep 14, 2011
@chaircover
The justice system (police and courts) have a hard time containing hardened criminals. Depending on them for wife battery cases is not going to work long term. Whatever solution you come up with, it must take into account the the uniqueness of Nigerian (and African) society. This may sound old-fashioned, but it really is a good idea to make sure your family is on board with your significant other. So if sh** hits the fan, you have a support system that can defend you. It is hard, if not impossible to live completely independently in a society like Nigeria, so having your family behind you helps a lot.

I hope the Gender Alert debrief08 mentioned passes, but I wont hold my breath.
Re: by Nobody: 7:19am On Sep 14, 2011
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Re: by Nobody: 7:28am On Sep 14, 2011
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Re: by Nobody: 7:29am On Sep 14, 2011
CC they offer support and counselling, they get you a lawyer if you want to charge him for assault. As for the law, nothing, the current bill defines what constitute violence against persons not just volence against women and jail term. Some churches are waking up sha, now wedding vows in my church include a promise not to beat ur wife and you are made to sign an undertaken to that effect, more churches can learn from this but the role of most churches is shameful, sad and unfortunate. Like I said, Abike Dabiri and spme other legislature have been pushing this bill for years along with lots of women group but low societial pressure has made other members lax about the bill but if more people will write to their reps and endorse our support. Let's remember our daughters, sisters and mothers and know that so many women are living in hell on earth
Re: by Nobody: 7:38am On Sep 14, 2011
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Re: by Nobody: 7:47am On Sep 14, 2011
Yes I know even in countries with laws and Police willing to help some women still do not get help. Gender Alert also does some enlightenment campaigns. Its not easy sha but we must start by changing our mind sets and that of those around us not to accept or tolerate abuse against men or women.
Re: by Johndoe100(m): 7:49am On Sep 14, 2011
As usual, threads started by members of the cabal are only for those that agree with the preconceived view. None of these will change the reality on the ground in Nigeria. If you like continue to oppress poor men, those that cannot be easily oppressed will fight for their rights. Do you know the funniest thing? Most of what is said here only applies to the yoruba, as usual they are the vanguard of selling their people out. We from after Ore have judges that are from our place and understand our culture.
Re: by walcolm(m): 7:52am On Sep 14, 2011
physical violence is wrong and it doesnt matter who is the victim, like some people have highlighted, culture and a weak judicial redress system makes it easy to get away with violence

i will be contirbuting contrarian views to this topic, i didnt read all the posts but from the ones i read, i have noticed tunnel visioning, everybody aligned in one direction, men are the bad guys and women are the victim

so lets narrow down to the specifics of this thread which is violence against a spouse, is anybody asking the question around wives who keep pushing their husbands to breaking point just to get their way?

analogy,
a disagreement happens and the husband tries to leave the scene to cool off but the wife physically blocks his way all the while cursing him and his entire lineage at the top of her voice. there are few choices, the guy stands there and listens to stuff that angers him more or try to move the woman out of the way which she uses as excuse to lash out at him

IMO, i think a lot of the women who claim to have experienced domestic violence contributed more than 80% to the events that led up to the incident by not knowing when to stop and back off
Re: by Johndoe100(m): 8:03am On Sep 14, 2011
walcolm:



i will be contirbuting contrarian views to this topic, i didnt read all the posts but from the ones i read, i have noticed tunnel visioning, everybody aligned in one direction, men are the bad guys and women are the victim

so lets narrow down to the specifics of this thread which is violence against a spouse, is anybody asking the question around wives who keep pushing their husbands to breaking point just to get their way?

This thread was started by a leading member of the more than equal members of this section, to show how men are monsters. Issues like truth and objectivity are not required. However I wish you luck, we know them for what they are.
Re: by Nobody: 8:05am On Sep 14, 2011
Walcom I understand ur veiw and am sorry If we came accross dat way but as I said last violence agaisnt persons not restricted to gender women can be abusers to nagging unceasingly is emotional abuse. Anyway, I thunk you 80percent is a common misconception. What you don't know us dat many battered pple have been bulied into submission, they don't talk, they are like zombies cos they have been beaten into submission. I only tried to fight back once and I regreted dat day for d rest of my life, many women and men living with abusive spouses don't even have a say in the relationship they just do as dey are told to aviod beating and dats d point of assault, to instil fear. Its wrong to try to blame d victim for the sctions of an abuser
Re: by Nobody: 8:07am On Sep 14, 2011
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Re: by Johndoe100(m): 8:10am On Sep 14, 2011
Johndoe100:

First, I need to point out that this thread is just another propaganda effort by the poster. If in fact the subject was aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution. Then that should be the title of the thread, to call it wife beating has already framed the discussion within a biased set of parameters, which is what chaircover wanted.

The truth is that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution, is sometimes necessary. There are women who by there nature require to be corrected aggressively in order for the message to penetrate their skulls. Also there are women who perform better in their day to day lives when they have someone who takes a firm hand in domestic issues.

We all know that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution is really a sign of love when it is applied by the man. It shows that he cares for his woman / wife and can actually take the time to correct her. When a woman tries this it is a sign of an underlying mental health issue and her family should assist the man in getting her some help.

I have always wondered how those men who do not practise aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution manage their women / wives.

Really the usual divisions on NL once again play a part here. We Nigerians view this in a certain way. The Internet Nigerians who live in the white man’s land have imbibed what passes for culture in those lands and are spewing it here.
I stand to be corrected but aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution has produced happy, well adjusted women, which in turn makes the home happy.

I must add though that there are cases when aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution is taken too far. As in all things, when done excessively it is extremely counter productive. Most times this is caused by:
1. Sheer ignorance on the part of the man, he maybe young, uneducated, has a militarized mind etc.
2. Substance abuse, such as alcohol, hard drugs etc.
3. Emotional stress

All these issues should be addressed, while understanding that it is not the aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution that is the problem but the underlying factor.

Please enough of this “I wanna be white” mentality.

Re: by nawfia(m): 8:27am On Sep 14, 2011
@ nri chief

O boy u r d man, are u from anambra??just asking tho, my twin sister's husband(a well exposed guy,had a first class,m.sc and working in a good corporate organisation, shocked shocked thought it was only illiterate men that beat their wives) was always fond of beating her, but cos they were based in the united states, there was little or nothing i could do about it, as God will have it, the guy was transferred to nigeria and in one of his stupid tantrums, he raised his hands on her simply because my sister reprimanded his niece for stealing, the annoying thing was that he did it in the prescence of my mum who came for omugwo, o boy, i left the office sharply, reunited with my squad (we were like 17men), destination vgc ajah, entered the estate and gave the guy and his brother (d brother has slapped my sister in the past) the beating of their lives, infact,it was so bad that the estate folks came out, the guy abandoned his house and ran away bare footed, while we took his younger brother hostage, the koko is that i made the younger brother sign /swear that i should kill him any day he set foot in that house, as for the guy, he initiated a meeting,came to beg us (my mom and i)that we should forgive him and pray for him, am so sure he will never try that shit again, dont know why men beat their wives
Re: by divalishis: 8:56am On Sep 14, 2011
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Re: by Johndoe100(m): 9:00am On Sep 14, 2011
nawfia:

@ nri chief

O boy u r d man, are u from anambra??just asking tho, my twin sister's husband(a well exposed guy,had a first class,m.sc and working in a good corporate organisation, shocked shocked thought it was only illiterate men that beat their wives) was always fond of beating her, but cos they were based in the united states, there was little or nothing i could do about it, as God will have it, the guy was transferred to nigeria and in one of his silly tantrums, he raised his hands on her simply because my sister reprimanded his niece for stealing, the annoying thing was that he did it in the prescence of my mum who came for omugwo, o boy, i left the office sharply, reunited with my squad (we were like 17men), destination vgc ajah, entered the estate and gave the guy and his brother (d brother has slapped my sister in the past) the beating of their lives, infact,it was so bad that the estate folks came out, the guy abandoned his house and ran away bare footed, while we took his younger brother hostage, the koko is that i made the younger brother sign /swear that i should kill him any day he set foot in that house, as for the guy, he initiated a meeting,came to beg us (my mom and i)that we should forgive him and pray for him, am so sure he will never try that poo again, dont know why men beat their wives


Nice fantasy, this is meant to impress those that do not live in Lagos?
Re: by nawfia(m): 9:10am On Sep 14, 2011
Johndoe100:

Nice fantasy, this is meant to impress those that do not live in Lagos?

impress you, hell no, when u aint paying ma fees, BUZZ OFF, angry angry
Re: by Nobody: 9:19am On Sep 14, 2011
My sister u are lucky he showed himself before u married oh, I understand all u ve wrote, at 25 I had high blood pressure, constant headache etc. Till today I s flinch if anyone raises his hand, reflex, when I first re married I will never disagree with my husband, if he was angry I will run and lock myself in the room just like I use to, but he let me know dat it was oj to disagree and he will never hurt me. I wish there were therapists in Nigeria, lots of pple need help. CC when issues like dis come up you see why am so protective and sometimes harsh cos I ve lived in dat world, I know d fear and d pain, it seems just like yesterday. Even when am with my husband and we run into my ex my heart still races in fear, my BP shoots up.
Re: by kukus01(m): 9:36am On Sep 14, 2011
it is mentally and morally wrong as a man to beat your wife no matter what fine women can be pushy and crazy sometimes, in most cases silence on the matter does not mean giving in. its natural for women to nag, ask silly questions, suspect u of affairs even wen u are not, the list goes on. i am married and even though ma wife is 8 months pregnant she is rational her behaviour because of d pregnancy changed, my perfume irritates her, even my sight sometimes irritates her. i have to tolerate it. no matter what she says or do, i keep ma mouth shut!!! lipsrsealed simple!!! and she even ask later y i did not talk or scold her i always tell her scold ursef. but men can be victims too sha! i have a friend whose wife almost took his life. all in all men please stop beating ur wife!!! ego or no ego!!! rich or poor!!!!
Re: by Johndoe100(m): 9:39am On Sep 14, 2011
nawfia:

impress you, hell no, when u aint paying ma fees, BUZZ OFF,  angry angry

As well as being a liar, you lack the ability to understand simple english.

Re: by oyinmama(f): 10:16am On Sep 14, 2011
@Lady Winona, reading your post brought back my younger years, my dad used to beat my mum, hold her neck and slam her head against the wall whilst us four kids would be watching & crying. I remember the day my mum decided to leave after 14 yrs of marrriage, beathings, emotional abuse & four kids (two girls, two boys); we had locked ourselves in her room with her as he continued to yell the house down & threaten her life, my brother aged 12 said "Mummy, u have to leave before he kills u", and I remember the look in her eyes as she asked, "but what about u all?"  He said, "Just go Mummy, dont let him kill u, "
There & then she made up her mind to leave with us all with not a pin to our name, all we took from my dad's 4-bedroom duplex was our clothes which mum packed in bedsheets, and a cousin of hers squatted us in the store in her house for almost a year.  That was 20 years ago; we left my dad's house on the 11th of September, 1991, aged 14, 12, 9 and 6 years, I am the oldest and was in J.S.S.3, our youngest was in Pry 2.  At this point, that mum had a Masters degree and was still studying for a law degree. She was 36 years when we left.

I will not lie people, the years were hard, and my mum went thru hell to say the least, not forgetting the stigmatization that comes with being divorced; so-called family& friends who were often called to settle fights/beatings all shunned us.  There were several occasions when landlords would refuse to let out their apartments to mum, being a single mother.  Through all those years, my dad NEVER contributed a penny to our upkeep, welfare or schooling, even though we were based in Lagos as he was; his g/f moved in three days after we left, and they have been together since then. Mum begged & borrowed to raise us four.

I thank God for His mercies, He has been good to us despite all, we are all doing well, now aged 34, 32, 29 and 26; all happily married, some with kids, doing well in our chosen careers(I'm a physician, my sis is a lawyer, my bros are architects & quantity surveyor respectively) and  guess what? Mum re-married 7 years ago to a widower, and believe me, she's still treated like a queen by my step-dad as we speak; she deserves every bit  of it!!

I am known by people to be very vocal about domestic violence, my stand, the first time it is attempted, leave, no second chances, it hardly stops; I will rather be alive and single than have @Late Dr. (Mrs.) aged 30 something on my epitaph.  I have two beautiful daughters aged 8 and 6, I'm gonna teach them that marriage is not a do or die affair; there is no justification for being beaten by a man, and no woman should EVER blame herself for being physically abused.  I also thank God that my sister and I have been blessed by non-violent spouses; by God's grace, my brothers will also love & cherish their wives as well.

Please forgive my long story people, but this issue just gets me so riled up! angry angry angry  CC, thanks for this thread, I truly pray it helps someone in need out there.

Love u mummy  kiss kiss kiss
Re: by nawfia(m): 10:40am On Sep 14, 2011
oyinmama:

@Lady Winona, reading your post brought back my younger years, my dad used to beat my mum, hold her neck and slam her head against the wall whilst us four kids would be watching & crying. I remember the day my mum decided to leave after 14 yrs of marrriage, beathings, emotional abuse & four kids (two girls, two boys); we had locked ourselves in her room with her as he continued to yell the house down & threaten her life, my brother aged 12 said "Mummy, u have to leave before he kills u", and I remember the look in her eyes as she asked, "but what about u all?"  He said, "Just go Mummy, dont let him kill u, "
There & then she made up her mind to leave with us all with not a pin to our name, all we took from my dad's 4-bedroom duplex was our clothes which mum packed in bedsheets, and a cousin of hers squatted us in the store in her house for almost a year.  That was 20 years ago; we left my dad's house on the 11th of September, 1991, aged 14, 12, 9 and 6 years, I am the oldest and was in J.S.S.3, our youngest was in Pry 2.  At this point, that mum had a Masters degree and was still studying for a law degree. She was 36 years when we left.

I will not lie people, the years were hard, and my mum went thru hell to say the least, not forgetting the stigmatization that comes with being divorced; so-called family& friends who were often called to settle fights/beatings all shunned us.  There were several occasions when landlords would refuse to let out their apartments to mum, being a single mother.  Through all those years, my dad NEVER contributed a penny to our upkeep, welfare or schooling, even though we were based in Lagos as he was; his g/f moved in three days after we left, and they have been together since then. Mum begged & borrowed to raise us four.

I thank God for His mercies, He has been good to us despite all, we are all doing well, now aged 34, 32, 29 and 26; all happily married, some with kids, doing well in our chosen careers(I'm a physician, my sis is a lawyer, my bros are architects & quantity surveyor respectively) and  guess what? Mum re-married 7 years ago to a widower, and believe me, she's still treated like a queen by my step-dad as we speak; she deserves every bit  of it!!

I am known by people to be very vocal about domestic violence, my stand, the first time it is attempted, leave, no second chances, it hardly stops; I will rather be alive and single than have @Late Dr. (Mrs.) aged 30 something on my epitaph.  I have two beautiful daughters aged 8 and 6, I'm gonna teach them that marriage is not a do or die affair; there is no justification for being beaten by a man, and no woman should EVER blame herself for being physically abused.  I also thank God that my sister and I have been blessed by non-violent spouses; by God's grace, my brothers will also love & cherish their wives as well.

Please forgive my long story people, but this issue just gets me so riled up! angry angry angry  CC, thanks for this thread, I truly pray it helps someone in need out there.

Love u mummy  kiss kiss kiss
[/quote
your mum did the best thing, i applaud her,
Re: by God2man(m): 10:52am On Sep 14, 2011
It is difficult for a man to raise his hand and start beating the wife for no reason,except the husband is mentally deranged. I hate the idea of wife beating, i have never done that, and will never do it. Let's face fact,truth and objectivity. Some Women are generally too emotional, this make them to overreact to certain issues, the same thing apply to some men. Women are very weak when it comes to crisis. They will talk,talk,talk, and eventually abuse the husband indirectly, then of course, unintentionally. After sometime, some of them realize their errors and apologize while others will insists that must have their ways. Then fighting ensue. Nevertheless, the home will be peacefull, if the wife can be reasonable enough to submit to the husband and the husband take it as huge responsibility to love and be compassionate about the wife. The blind and deaf husband and the dumb wife. What a perfect combination so to say. Anyone that beat his wife is beating himself. This is insanity. Men should think deeply on how to handle issues at home apart from beating the wife. God bless you. God2man.
Re: by walcolm(m): 10:56am On Sep 14, 2011
@oyinmama & debrief, i feel your story and agree with what you have both posted and those things have happened and sometimes still happen till today, my mother was a victim of that too so i know where you're both coming from

but what of now? are the new generation men to continue to pay for what their fathers and fore fathers do? all u need to look at is divalis post to understand what i mean, some women push their men to breaking point and tell them to be the man and walk away, hmmmmm,

most guys today have witnessed domestic violence against their mothers as they grew up and most abhor it and would never raise a hand on their woman but most women dont seem to understand or appreciate that

my point is there are 2 sides to every story,
Re: by iv4real(f): 11:03am On Sep 14, 2011
It is only a man with low self esteem that will beat a woman . Why can't he fight his fellow men outside when they insult him or make him angry. Its sad because some of these men even beat their wives to death and go scot free. Recently i saw an old friend and i asked her of another friend of ours that i had not seen for a long time. She told me that the girl died 3 years ago, she was beaten to death by her husband. I asked where the husband was and she said he has remarried. Can you imagine.
Re: by oyinmama(f): 11:09am On Sep 14, 2011
walcolm:

@oyinmama & debrief, i feel your story and agree with what you have both posted and those things have happened and sometimes still happen till today, my mother was a victim of that too so i know where you're both coming from

but what of now? are the new generation men to continue to pay for what their fathers and fore fathers do? all u need to look at is divalis post to understand what i mean, some women push their men to breaking point and tell them to be the man and walk away, hmmmmm,

most guys today have witnessed domestic violence against their mothers as they grew up and most abhor it and would never raise a hand on their woman but most women dont seem to understand or appreciate that

my point is there are 2 sides to every story,  


in summary, the beating is justified, since the men have been pushed to breaking point, and u are implying that your mother was also responsible for her own experience, WOW!!!!! I don't need to crack my brains on what you will advise ur sisters or daughters then, each to his own anyhow.
Re: by walcolm(m): 11:15am On Sep 14, 2011
oyinmama:


in summary, the beating is justified, since the men have been pushed to breaking point, and u are implying that your mother was also responsible for her own experience, WOW!!!!! I don't need to crack my brains on what you will advise your sisters or daughters then, each to his own anyhow.

wow, did you even bother to read what i posted? so disappointing you'll make a comment like that
Re: by oyinmama(f): 11:27am On Sep 14, 2011
walcolm:

wow, did you even bother to read what i posted? so disappointing you'll make a comment like that

Walcolm, I read your post & I have just done so again, u appear to speak from both sides of your mouth; it is either right or wrong, no two ways about it, forget about 'two sides to a story' Again, WOW!!!!
Re: by walcolm(m): 11:34am On Sep 14, 2011
oyinmama:

Walcolm, I read your post & I have just done so again, u appear to speak from both sides of your mouth; it is either right or wrong, no two ways about it, forget about 'two sides to a story' Again, WOW!!!!

and you think your penulitmate post is an appropriate response?
Re: by divalishis: 11:41am On Sep 14, 2011
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Re: by darkhand: 12:21pm On Sep 14, 2011
Most women push men to hit them, then exaggerate the action. Anyway for the women , if you get hit and think that that justifies leaving the marriage, please feel free to do so, there must be available women for us to have as girlfriends.

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