walcolm:



i will be contirbuting contrarian views to this topic, i didnt read all the posts but from the ones i read, i have noticed tunnel visioning, everybody aligned in one direction, men are the bad guys and women are the victim

so lets narrow down to the specifics of this thread which is violence against a spouse, is anybody asking the question around wives who keep pushing their husbands to breaking point just to get their way?

Johndoe100:

First, I need to point out that this thread is just another propaganda effort by the poster. If in fact the subject was aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution. Then that should be the title of the thread, to call it wife beating has already framed the discussion within a biased set of parameters, which is what chaircover wanted.

The truth is that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution, is sometimes necessary. There are women who by there nature require to be corrected aggressively in order for the message to penetrate their skulls. Also there are women who perform better in their day to day lives when they have someone who takes a firm hand in domestic issues.

We all know that aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution is really a sign of love when it is applied by the man. It shows that he cares for his woman / wife and can actually take the time to correct her. When a woman tries this it is a sign of an underlying mental health issue and her family should assist the man in getting her some help.

I have always wondered how those men who do not practise aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution manage their women / wives.

Really the usual divisions on NL once again play a part here. We Nigerians view this in a certain way. The Internet Nigerians who live in the white man’s land have imbibed what passes for culture in those lands and are spewing it here.
I stand to be corrected but aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution has produced happy, well adjusted women, which in turn makes the home happy.

I must add though that there are cases when aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution is taken too far. As in all things, when done excessively it is extremely counter productive. Most times this is caused by:
1. Sheer ignorance on the part of the man, he maybe young, uneducated, has a militarized mind etc.
2. Substance abuse, such as alcohol, hard drugs etc.
3. Emotional stress

All these issues should be addressed, while understanding that it is not the aggressively oriented domestic conflict resolution that is the problem but the underlying factor.

Please enough of this “I wanna be white” mentality.

nawfia:

@ nri chief

O boy u r d man, are u from anambra??just asking tho, my twin sister's husband(a well exposed guy,had a first class,m.sc and working in a good corporate organisation, thought it was only illiterate men that beat their wives) was always fond of beating her, but cos they were based in the united states, there was little or nothing i could do about it, as God will have it, the guy was transferred to nigeria and in one of his silly tantrums, he raised his hands on her simply because my sister reprimanded his niece for stealing, the annoying thing was that he did it in the prescence of my mum who came for omugwo, o boy, i left the office sharply, reunited with my squad (we were like 17men), destination vgc ajah, entered the estate and gave the guy and his brother (d brother has slapped my sister in the past) the beating of their lives, infact,it was so bad that the estate folks came out, the guy abandoned his house and ran away bare footed, while we took his younger brother hostage, the koko is that i made the younger brother sign /swear that i should kill him any day he set foot in that house, as for the guy, he initiated a meeting,came to beg us (my mom and i)that we should forgive him and pray for him, am so sure he will never try that poo again, dont know why men beat their wives

Johndoe100:

Nice fantasy, this is meant to impress those that do not live in Lagos?

nawfia:

impress you, hell no, when u aint paying ma fees, BUZZ OFF,  

oyinmama:

@Lady Winona, reading your post brought back my younger years, my dad used to beat my mum, hold her neck and slam her head against the wall whilst us four kids would be watching & crying. I remember the day my mum decided to leave after 14 yrs of marrriage, beathings, emotional abuse & four kids (two girls, two boys); we had locked ourselves in her room with her as he continued to yell the house down & threaten her life, my brother aged 12 said "Mummy, u have to leave before he kills u", and I remember the look in her eyes as she asked, "but what about u all?"  He said, "Just go Mummy, dont let him kill u, "
There & then she made up her mind to leave with us all with not a pin to our name, all we took from my dad's 4-bedroom duplex was our clothes which mum packed in bedsheets, and a cousin of hers squatted us in the store in her house for almost a year.  That was 20 years ago; we left my dad's house on the 11th of September, 1991, aged 14, 12, 9 and 6 years, I am the oldest and was in J.S.S.3, our youngest was in Pry 2.  At this point, that mum had a Masters degree and was still studying for a law degree. She was 36 years when we left.

I will not lie people, the years were hard, and my mum went thru hell to say the least, not forgetting the stigmatization that comes with being divorced; so-called family& friends who were often called to settle fights/beatings all shunned us.  There were several occasions when landlords would refuse to let out their apartments to mum, being a single mother.  Through all those years, my dad NEVER contributed a penny to our upkeep, welfare or schooling, even though we were based in Lagos as he was; his g/f moved in three days after we left, and they have been together since then. Mum begged & borrowed to raise us four.

I thank God for His mercies, He has been good to us despite all, we are all doing well, now aged 34, 32, 29 and 26; all happily married, some with kids, doing well in our chosen careers(I'm a physician, my sis is a lawyer, my bros are architects & quantity surveyor respectively) and  guess what? Mum re-married 7 years ago to a widower, and believe me, she's still treated like a queen by my step-dad as we speak; she deserves every bit  of it!!

I am known by people to be very vocal about domestic violence, my stand, the first time it is attempted, leave, no second chances, it hardly stops; I will rather be alive and single than have @Late Dr. (Mrs.) aged 30 something on my epitaph.  I have two beautiful daughters aged 8 and 6, I'm gonna teach them that marriage is not a do or die affair; there is no justification for being beaten by a man, and no woman should EVER blame herself for being physically abused.  I also thank God that my sister and I have been blessed by non-violent spouses; by God's grace, my brothers will also love & cherish their wives as well.

Please forgive my long story people, but this issue just gets me so riled up!   CC, thanks for this thread, I truly pray it helps someone in need out there.

Love u mummy  
[/quote
your mum did the best thing, i applaud her,

walcolm:

@oyinmama & debrief, i feel your story and agree with what you have both posted and those things have happened and sometimes still happen till today, my mother was a victim of that too so i know where you're both coming from

but what of now? are the new generation men to continue to pay for what their fathers and fore fathers do? all u need to look at is divalis post to understand what i mean, some women push their men to breaking point and tell them to be the man and walk away, hmmmmm,

most guys today have witnessed domestic violence against their mothers as they grew up and most abhor it and would never raise a hand on their woman but most women dont seem to understand or appreciate that

my point is there are 2 sides to every story,  

oyinmama:


in summary, the beating is justified, since the men have been pushed to breaking point, and u are implying that your mother was also responsible for her own experience, WOW!!!!! I don't need to crack my brains on what you will advise your sisters or daughters then, each to his own anyhow.

walcolm:

wow, did you even bother to read what i posted? so disappointing you'll make a comment like that

oyinmama:

Walcolm, I read your post & I have just done so again, u appear to speak from both sides of your mouth; it is either right or wrong, no two ways about it, forget about 'two sides to a story' Again, WOW!!!!