4Him,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I was afraid that might be the reality of my situation but he knew my circumstances when we first met so I really don't understand why it is such a problem now. I was/am prepared to be totally down for him and have his back but he isn't even giving me the chance to do that. Oh well. I still care very deeply for him and probably will for some time to come. If we are meant to be it will happen for us. I guess all I can do is get on with my life and pray that happiness will not elude us. Cheers,

u gals stress us be4 u say yes and anything in life is a cycle.

He didn't get any stress - I've passed that stage in courtship and it's not how I handle my biz in relationships. Don't believe in wasting people's time, but I appreciate your views. But you are right, everything in life is a cycle. Peace.

It is painsful,but women do that more than men,when a lady gets a richer guy she ignores her lover.

About your question the answer is simple: Men lose interest in a relationship when they discover that the lady in question is spreading her legs to any man that comes her way,no one want to carry AIDS

bcuz, dey only go 4 n after da pretty faces, but wen dey get wat dey want they realize dat the attitude n behavior behind dat "pretty" face is not a good one, n also dey go after da wrong gurl.

@LADIESEUN i think the reason is because they find out that they wer bad f, cks

wow, i wonder where all this nairaland girls fall from as for your case missphil, it is sad but i must say only God truly knows his reasons but if it is the fact of him saving his male pride (u can call it ego if u like), i totally understand with him. i am one person that hardly look to ladies for help until a certain period in my life where God showed me pepper by teaching me a lesson and all those God used to help me were all girls, much to my embarrassment but it was a hard lesson learnt. anywhoo, i havent seen anything wrong with the guy so far but update us and we might find a clue soon. if u need help in getting his feet on the ground then i can refer him to my friends in lagos and they might be able to help him, if his story is real.

missphil:

He didn't get any stress - I've passed that stage in courtship and it's not how I handle my biz in relationships. Don't believe in wasting people's time, but I appreciate your views. But you are right, everything in life is a cycle. Peace.

The guy has seen your "bed room", and found that it is not the kind of "bed, tables and chairs" that he has been expecting to see. He had to withdraw gradually so as not to really hurt you.

@missphil,
You didn't really explain the factors that actually made you give the guy an easy ride. It is one thing for a lady to be humble and it is another for her to give the impression that all that matters to her is marriage and marriage alone!
If i may ask, what other things; aside the fact that the man is loaded i.e just as you are doing fine - made you think he is the best man for you?
The greatest arm anyone could do to him/herself is to deceive him/herself - An injury done to oneself has no remedy!
My candid advice is that you stop involving the guy's younger sister as you claimed to have been doing and; for once, try to swallow your pride, call him and have a thorough discussion with him - PLEASE, while discussing; make sure you DOWN-PLAY any tone that has to do with marriage and see what his reaction will be.
Be free to get me updated through this medium for the next line of action.
I pray that GOD give you the courage to remain strong and loving in the face of DECEIT!
I salute your equanimity.
Kind Regards!

its simple!!!
to some, its all about the chase - the "chick" being their latest challenge. most guys expend so much energy and time to get a "chick" that in the end what they get will not be commensurate with all the effort being put in for their target. for most guys its a turn off.
anyways they have four or five girlfriends in their "trophy cabinet"
ciao

Hi na2day?

Good looking out brother. The truth is I really don't know if his "story" is real but all the indications are that it is 4 real - but I do appreciate your offer to help. However, I suspect he has got to deal with it in his own way and on his own terms. I have to respect him in this way and therefore not interfere. In fact, the only way I can help him is in terms of getting sponsored to come to London. But he refuses and his pride. I guess sometimes pride is stronger than love. It is very painful like you said, but there is little that I can do, thanks for your kind words and advice. I will definitely keep you posted.

Kenny: you could be right but we have only ever spent a brief period of time together (on holiday in Spain), so there is very little that he could have deduced from that experience to turn him off in that way. However I appreciate that you were speaking figuratively.

Hey Monsho: I didn't give him an easy ride so much as I offered to have his back in whatever way. He told me that the last girl he planned to marry eventually married someone else because she couldn't wait for him while he tried to get his new business off the ground. He told me that it hurt because he loved her and I vowed to be different. Maybe that was my downfall because the truth is I don't know everything she went through before coming to that decision. My problem with him is not that he is having problems, but just that he refuses to talk and his behaviour for me seems shady. I am extremely principled (I think) and only really tend to understand black and white and not much in between. I like to know what the bottom line is at all times but all he seemed to speak was the language of variables. So even when I begged him to tell me what the problem was he just said he needed to sort out "the plan" to make sure we could be together for life. And I was totally totally down for that. But when your man starts ignoring your calls and pretending like you don't exist, maybe you need to read between the lines. And, BTW, that is the real reason I don't call. Believe you me, I have tried the "lets have a serious heart to heart" route but it didn't really get me anywhere. He just reassured me and then there has been NOTHING. The reason his sister got involved is because she lives at one of the houses that I have the number to. So when I kept calling his cell and work numbers with no response, then I called to see if he was OK. It is so painful to be so far away and not know what is happening with your loved one. And in that way he has been unforgivably selfish. I think I have been humble but I suppose it is not for me to assess that: I definitely wasn't on the marriage tip; we wanted to have a child together and I told him that notwithstanding the way I was raised, I would be cool with getting pregnant before marriage, providing marriage was on the cards. I simply left it as whatever God has in store for our partnership. He was cool with that. He is not "loaded" in my view. If anything, I am the one who is financially better off and more independent. So, I love him because we were/are emotionally, spirtually and culturally compatible. The attraction is off the hook and we share the same values. Anyway, seeing as it is perfectly obvious that I am being given the "brush off", I wrote him a long e-mail setting out my feelings and that I could no longer continue as things are. If I ever meant anything to him, it may touch him and at maybe at some point I will get the explanation I so desire. Maybe he will come back. Who knows? At the end of the day, only God and time will reveal the ultimate answer. I can only pray for the strength to get through this experience.

Quite an interesting thread. Actually, it seems that for some people, the thrill is really in the chase, and the girls do their utter best to make the chase a harrowing experience for the guys, so once they get what they want, it's off to seek for some other challenge.
On the other hand, most Nigerian girls just sit back and expect you to do the calling and texting. All you get in return is "Please call me. I need your assistance". I wonder what they will do if MTN stops giving out such free messages.

@ missphil

pls ooooo, u agreed to get pregnant b4 marriage with this guy? let me announce u that the guy is playing u. u offered him to come to the UK, what did u expect? that he will say yes? heck! he will say no for a while then change his mind. please open ur eyes ooooooo.

I am actually bored at this moment but this article by Missphilly certain would liven up my spirits by the time i am done and i'll help analyse the whole thing line by line.

Ok here we go!

Hi guys, my situation is pretty much like the other ladies on Nairaland - met a lovely Igbo guy, fell in love, I didn't do the whole "shakara" thing

Hol' up! This i dont believe. Its in a girls genes to do shakara for a guy during the courting period. While men attribute this to the chase hormones in us, it actually ends up being a turn -off during the relationship. After chasing you for countless days, months and whatsoever in a fake virtual and cloud 9 world, your actions during the real world could actually unimpress him because he had high expectations and fantazied about loads of things that isnt there. So your first comment about lack of shakara is totally unbelievable.

If you even swear to Sango that you didnt even engage in a minute version of shakara, how on earth do you think he is to respect you. You cut the suspense in between the movie and you expect it to have a fairy tale ending? Men in general dont respect women that dont give them that opportunity to chase them. So i think you have to reconsider that statement again!

and everything was beautiful for about three months until he started to change.  He claimed that he was going through some difficulties so I initially took his word for it although due to past experiences where I have been hurt I was a little afraid that this may just have been an excuse.  I still kept calling because I didn't want him to think I was simply going to abandon him because he was having problems.  He insisted that he still loved and wanted to marry me but he needed to "sort some things out" and wanted to make sure everything would be in place for a marriage between us.

Haaaaaaaaa! This gets more interesting! Long distance relationship! ( Like my favourite broadcaster on CNN Anderson Cooper would say) "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"

3 Months relationship on the phone or what and your discussing marriage! Gimme a break! What happened to courtship and getting to know each other well for a while? The funniest thing in this sentence is this quote:

He insisted that he still loved and wanted to marry me but he needed to "sort some things out" and wanted to make sure everything would be in place for a marriage between us.

Its as if that was the whole grundnorm or rationale for the relationship. Marriage! I dont see anywhere in your post where getting to know him better or sharing romantic experiences was a key issue between you and him. I think he was just merely suffocating from the thought of it and the whole issue being too soon. It was not a proper relationship and i liken it to all these internet love. It is simply baseless and unrealistic.


See the next line in your post:

Anyway, things eventually ground to a halt the day after Valentine's day.  We had a great conversation, spoke about marriage and me visiting him in Nigeria (I'm in London - he's in Lagos) and then, NOTHING.  No calls, no texts, no e-mails.

This sums it up! The whole issue between both of you was just plain false expectations. How long were you guys dating through the telephone and internet and how did it occur to you guys that marriage was the right thing to discuss when you probably see yourselves once in every leap year. Even from your post, you made no allusion to the place you met whether it was in Lagos or U.k or you met on the internet or whether you guys were together for the 3 months preceding his attitudinal change! Its very very simple, YOU DONT KNOW THIS GUY WELL ENOUGH TO DATE HIM PROPERLY TALKLESS OF PROPOSING MARRIAGE!

Also i think you being Economical with the truth in terms of your discussions you had the day after Vals day. I think certain factors were revealed that day and issues cropped up to light that made him realise that the whole thing wasnt worth it. Guys dont just shut off in all totality. There must be a reason, a condescending word or statement, a reality check that most women dont consider as a factor. If you retrace your conversation that day, you would probably figure out your answer. I guess he wasnt ready for the MR & MRS thingy and you werent ready to accept No for an answer or a Long term relationship.

I decided to back off to see if he would intiate calls but so far I have had no response.  I haven't been calling because I have some pride!   I have come to the conclusion (I have no choice I think) that it is clearly OVER but tell me, is this a common thing that Nigerian guys do?

Well your backing off wont change anything because he is gone for good. It has nothing to do with pride or Nigerian Men. He really isnt into the Long distance Shit. What he sees is what he gets and the earlier he cut it, the better for you.

I have NEVER been in this position before

Well you are now Welcome to the real world! now you have stories to tell and we could swap dumping stories, lol

look this should only make you tougher and more realistic. Stop placing too much emphasis on relationships unduely . If it is going to work out, it would but when the issue of marriage and a host of nonsensical gists in the relationship comes to play, trust me, Men know when to call it quits especially when the woman is in cloud 22.

Unfortuantely i cant analyse your posts any longer because am feeling sleepy but one more word of advice. Dont bother yourself and look for someone closer home and to you unless you would be living in a fools paradise if you still think there is hope between you guys probably in the year 2020. Move on! Q.E.D!

"lawyer" thank you for your views. You are probably right that I have been "dealt with" but there are few misconceptions you appear to have about my relationship which I will seek to address:

(1) the whole "groundnorm" of the relationship was NOT marriage - in fact it was not first brought up by me, it was the guy. I simply mentioned it in the post to give some an indication of how serious we both perceived the relationship to be.

(2) Our courtship time was sufficient for us to make our decisions about how we thought we wanted to plan for our future. That is not really something I expect you would understand and I maintain it is personal to each couple. Yes of course, people should spend time getting to know each other, but in some instances (and it is in fact my view) it doesn't take long to work it out.

(3) I was not "economical" with the truth, with respect to the last conversation I had with him. The conversation was entirely positive. But obviously I can't read his mind so he clearly had an agenda I was not aware of.

(4) I did NOT do "shakara". I don't need to swear it. I am not Nigerian in any event but it is something I really don't do in relationships. If he fails to respect me because I didn't, then clearly he was the wrong person for me. End of.

I feel that you drew many inferences from my post which were in fact incorrect. It is difficult in such a forum to highlight each and every occurrence which may or may not be relevant, so I can understand that you feel you know me or him, and completely understand the situation. But the reality is, you don't. That being said, I am glad that it was able to provide you with some amusement. Thank you for your point of view.

na2day?:  Perhaps you are right.  But it was not quite like the way I expressed it.  I believe in marriage before children, but we both had personal reasons for why we would have equally been happy if I became pregnant.

i used to loose interest in chicks after being with em naked until i met this sweetheart i can never get tired of! why? because she is always interesting, funny and full of surprises i luv her

sweet sister, no matter the reason and no matter how good they are, many have thot like u guys and over 80% have regretted that move. pls, if pregnancy is wat will lay a foundation of your relationship, i must say that it is a lost battle already. just my 2 cents sister.

missphil:

na2day?: Perhaps you are right. But it was not quite like the way I expressed it. I believe in marriage before children, but we both had personal reasons for why we would have equally been happy if I became pregnant.

na2day?: Thanks for your views and support. I still maintain that pregnancy was not the foundation of our relationship. In any event, it all matters not because the way he chose to deal with the whole situation means that it is a futile consideration. It's over, no contact, no relationship. Peace.

Hey sometimes when u want somethn so bad, u gotta go out and find it, if it means chasing it, than do so, but tell me, how old r u, its always like that in life, when something is new, its always sweet and nice, ever purchased a clothing u love, u'll want to wear it everyday, heck i would.

Guys loose the thrill because they got u, moving on, but if you're good enough, they'll still give u that respect. The only sad thing is if they start ignoring u, that is so painful. But if u keep on talking even if the romance is over its good enaf for me.

Its life baby and if you're a girl and aint strong enaf, u going to get burned really bad. Sometimes u'll even end up being partners for life. Thats just the way things start. But sometimes the chase isnt worth it all, wats the point of chasing something u cant catch?

OK, After reading some of the opinions posted on this topic I have yet to read someone's thoughts that come even close to the reason why most guys lose interest. I hear the word Love being thrown around like a dirty towel. The fact is there is no love involved in these kinds of relationships to begin with. It's clearly selfishness also known as lust. However, I am assuming that both of the people mentioned in this post have had sex. The affection,attention physically and emotionally in the beginning of relationship confuses most people to think it's of love and it could not be further from the truth. With women it's different women love the attention and affection they get from a guy they are interested in and the guy will do or say anything to get what he wants for all selfish reasons. when you come right down to it both parties are wrong for not understanding what actual love is suppose to be in the eyes of God and also where a real true love starts relationship starts from. It starts from friendship true friendship where both people care and are compassionate to one another for who they are and not what they can get or give. real love is selfless real love is godly. If any of you want to know exactly what I am talking about I suggest you look up or go get a book called: I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Don't be fooled by the title is has very little to do with giving up on dating. However, it is a very good guide I wish I used earlier in life to hopefully have avoided some of the women I dated and avoided deadend relationships and did not hurt them or they did not hurt me. We all get hurt in relationships but if you seek a relationship for love you need to change your way of thinking and your own personal guidelines for what it is you are looking for.

I see words like, trophy, prize,next beautiful woman, honey pot, hunters and she needs this and she needs that. You all see it wrong, you all see it through the exterior or a person or in selfish ways like how much it sucks when a man and women get together that now she's all of a sudden needy. First of all. yes we all love to see a hot chick as the women like a hot guy but don't you think its more then that. How many of you have an idea of what your perfect girl or guy would be like putting sex, looks, money and nice cars all aside. whats wrong with actually looking for the person of the opposite sex for what really counts within yourself. someone you can actually talk to and neither one of you are worried or afraid to say the wrong thing, you can talk about anything. where her past and his past doesn't mean a damn thing because your love and the depth of your compassion and your desire to nurture and care for that one special person is all that matters. There is one of those people for everyone out there. the reason relationships do not work out is because nobody wants to commit anymore. there was a mention of is it OK for UN-married Christians to have sex before marriage well to some its not right to others its OK. But it becomes OK when the two people have sincerely committed to one another. without commitment and even the thought of marriage it it all wrong not godly and most likely a doomed relationship. you cannot expect to take the physical love from another person before truly loving them for who they really are lie about your feelings for them just to get Ur dinky stinky and expect it to work out. and that goes the same for the ladies. If a man truly loves a woman she will know it and not by him pressuring sex or showing it to her sexually. she will feel it in ways never felt before deep in her soul and when a guy truly does love a woman he will show her in ways that his pants actually stay on. he will care for her, listen to her, not put her in compromising situations and unfortunatley I did that recently with a woman I have loved my entire life and now I think I may have screwed it all up before we really even had the right opportunity to get it going and be all the things we hoped it to be. true love a godly love there are no feelings of mistrust, you know the other person loves you and they don't have to say it, its a oneness a wholeness in your entire being. and the sex I'm sure is far more incredible then even some of the floozies I thought were goddesses in my past. but even that doesn't matter. those two people love eachother for whats inside not whats outside and not what benefits themselves in a selfish way. surely not for being a champion in the bedroom. but if indeed he/she is a champion then wow what a perk that would be.

one more thing!!
u guys are like centuries apart!!!
imagin!!!!! the chasm between nigeria and the uk, and u expect him, to be faithful to "the cause".
girl!!! OUT OF SIGHT IS OUT OF MIND". when he is with u, he concurs but when he is in nigeria in the mist of his folks, his thoughts change.
forget all those fairytale stories about love

meanwhile dont forget the "nigerian factor - an igbo man".
his pride/home folks/friends (guys) will advise him that as u are the higher income earner, you will proberbly pull the strings in the home (suppose u guys tie the knot).so he bailed, not liking the future.
Every nigerian man dreads that scenario talklesss of an igbo man!!!!


ciao

i do not understand myself. i,ve asked several guys myself some tell you the just see the "chyking" process as a game. And tell me why would such a guy be serious after that. why do the call like hell when they are asking u out. i know its supposed to be a two way call thing but what is there if u call once or twice a day when u are asking her out and keep to it .

Beacause it is a game. non of those men or women are searching out their love interest for selfless reasons. its all for selfish reasons something to gratify themselves.

one more thing!!
u guys are like centuries apart!!!
imagin!!!!! the chasm between nigeria and the uk, and u expect him, to be faithful to "the cause".
girl!!! OUT OF SIGHT IS OUT OF MIND". when he is with u, he concurs but when he is in nigeria in the mist of his folks, his thoughts change.
forget all those fairytale stories about love

- I'm sure you're right. I guess it was unrealistic for me to think that he would be "faithful to the cause". But why start all of this in the first place?? We both knew the deal and had long, long, long, talks about the viability of a long term/long distance relationship. That was ahy him coming to UK was really important to solidify our partnership.


meanwhile don't forget the "nigerian factor - an igbo man".
his pride/home folks/friends (guys) will advise him that as u are the higher income earner, you will proberbly pull the strings in the home (suppose u guys tie the knot).so he bailed, not liking the future.
Every nigerian man dreads that scenario talklesss of an igbo man!!!!

- Well, I guess I can't argue with the cultural factor but the way I was raised (Caribbean and Caribbean parents), it doesn't matter who earns more, it is still a partnership. Even if my man earns less than me, he is still the man of my household provided that he has demonstrated he has earned that title (in other ways). My ex's behaviour is not that of a man but a child. At least be man enough to say that it won't work. Just don't dissapear. He doesn't owe me anything so there is no reason (in my view) to avoid me or "the talk". But maybe I am being unrealistic and am in fantasy land. It is difficult being a professional woman. You try to be reasonable, understanding, loving and it still gets you nowhere. Oh well. Thanks for your views, kobikwelu.

when man chase woman and him catch am,wetin remain to chase again? _{na end of the road be dat jo}

There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly.

Gamine:

There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly.

hmmmmmmmmmm,is someone talking writing from experience?

Experience.

Fortunately im immune to the Deadly

@ missphil

if this experience is that painful to u then marry me

@ gamine

no wonder ur tribe is extinct because, all u get are dead men. u are not even worthy of a deadly one, i pity u oooo