₦airaland Forum

afolag:
do you knw sometimes they dont care about your feelings but instead they use you to settle along time debt or boost buisness relationship. contracts in most cases.
#thinkdeep.

.
This is NOT the norm and so shouldn't be seen as such.

LordReed:
I like the pix you posted here. The couple say they FIX their problems not accept it because of love. Accepting fixable problems is foolishness not love. Yes a spouse who has anger management issues can be helped and indeed it is a loving spouse that will help such a one through the process but to simply accept physical abuse as a show of love is foolishness.

But nobody said anything about accepting physical abuse. Did I say a woman should accept physical abuse or do nothing about it? Didn't I mention the steps taken to prevent further physical abuse in arranged marriages of yore?

@LordReed:

In a previous thread "Good marriages do not make good stories", I outlined certain relationships I am privileged to have known that have stood the test of time. Not one of them is bereft of gory tales, but it was overcoming the challenging times that made those marriages stronger.

1. The woman who supported her man and eventually married him when he had absolutely nothing to offer.

2. The wife-beater who genuinely changed. There are many instances of this. It is only in nairaland I hear that once a man hits you he becomes a batterer for life. This is beyond absurd.

3. The man whose woman was a drunk and a chronic cheat..

Even a soldier is not a true soldier until he has been through the field of battle.

Marriage/True Love is tough and not for small children. It is not for disciples of cupid whose emotions are as fleeting as the wind itself. It is not for the faint of heart. Marriage is the complete acceptance of another human being with all his/her flaws and short-comings (including those present and those that will manifest later) into your life. Accepting such a huge responsibility freely is only possible if one is truly in love with the individual he/she wants to marry.

LordReed:
You obviously did not understand what I was getting at. You say love endures ALL,

1. does this include physical abuse?

2. Are you saying that those who endured physical abuse in arranged marriages are more loving than women in modern marriages who refuse to stay in such situations?

1. A resounding "Yes" to this. True love has no barriers. If a woman or a man enters marriage with lines already drawn there is no way that marriage will last. That is why I say this generation knows nothing about true love. This is a general parameter for marriage and has nothing to do with whether the marriage is arranged or not.

Love ENDURES all things. Does that mean that if a man's wife cheats on him he should forgive her? A resounding YES. No one is perfect, not even the current love of your life. S/He is only human and will disappoint you eventually in one way or the other. The best marriages are one in which both partners forgive easily. This is the main recipe for a marriage lasting the test of time.

The frequency of abusive marriages is not so much the issue as the ways and means available to mitigate such. With increased economic power the women folk have more options available in meeting basic needs, also our altered social mores mean some actions carry less opprobrium then they used to.

But the frequency is the issue. Why should there be INCREASED physical abuse in a society where the spouses have been liberated to make their own choice of a life partner? What then is the advantage?

In my opinion one can strike a balance between making your own choice of marriage partner and involving family. Seeking the counsel of friends and family doesn't render your choice an "arrangee" marriage, this is something people tend to ignore in the name of being modern to their own detriment. If a woman is marrying a man and she fails to seek counsel, the failure does not stem from the ability to make a choice in life partner.

OK.

LordReed:
So in other words our mothers who suffered physical abuse and still stayed with their husbands have it better than women who choose to leave abusive marriages?

You know, I went back and read this post again. I still feel you were reading the wrong meaning into what i said but Let me redirect to avoid misunderstanding.

Even in arranged marriages a battered woman had an avenue to report her husband and he was duly cautioned and finally dealt with by the community. the woman wasn't just abandoned as i think you are trying to imply here. however, more emphasis was placed on the kids and the need for them to grow up in a complete nurturing family unit. Of course if the battering became too much there were cases of families who came unceremoniously and removed their daughters from such a setting , returning the bride price as they did so. This was a big disgrace and shame on the man involved and the info was 'stored in the family files" so to speak so that in case another bride came to marry from that family they would be told of the men's infamous pastime.
Ipso facto our battered grannies were not just abandoned for the men to continue beating.

LordReed:
When you stop being over wise and beating around the bush and answer the question I initially posed I will answer yours.

no, you were the one trying to play smart. leave this chain and answer the post above ^^^

LordReed:
You were simply being disingenuous. In what way did I even imply that ALL arranged marriages were physically abusive? I made allusion to women who endured physical abuse but instead of answering the question you proceeded to beat around the bush.

This was my post:

5minsmadness:

Modern couples don't know the meaning of true love. Love suffers ALL things, endures ALL things etc. What couples have nowadays is a very selfish feeling of entitlement. Real love does not exist in such cases

This was your reply based on the fact you were assuming(wrongly) that i meant physical conflict:

LordReed:
So in other words our mothers who suffered physical abuse and still stayed with their husbands have it better than women who choose to leave abusive marriages?

Funny enough, it has nothing to do with arranged marriages, i daresay more women are being physically abused in modern marriages than in the past. Walking away/divorce doesn't solve the problem(at least not permanently) as they might enter even more abusive relationships.

Also on that note, isn't it funny that a woman will marry the man of her choice in this day and age and still end up in a physically abusive relationship? Was she blind when she was making her choice of a man that she didn't see his abusive tendencies? Wouldn't it have been better if her parents found a spouse for her in a family whose men are known for their patience and tolerance of their womenfolk and never raising a hand against them? or what do you think?

LordReed:
And if they had you would have applauded them for being "loving" and "patient" while they endured it right?

Answer the question pls and stop being presumptuous.

Were your grandmother or mother physically abused?

bukatyne:
Hahahahahaha!

Who am I to rain on your parade?

Hahahahahaha!

Of course,
No one was expecting you to admit it

bukatyne:
Stalk?

Don't give yourself high hopes man!

Is it only posts directed to you on NL you quote or respond?

Stop dreaming

Neither you nor anyone else here is worth it.

Of course I'm worth it, you just won't admit it

bukatyne:
So because you can see, no blindperson person exists.

I want to understand, because I can't wrap my head around it.

I saw you also striked out most parts of yomi 's post on the 5 irresponsible things men do thread.

Anyway...
I was trying to make him see a point.
Is he (and you) now trying to say ALL or even MOST arranged marriages consisted of physical abuse of the women?

Or

Is he(or you) trying to say modern marriages today do not consist of physical abuse in which the woman chooses to stay?

bukatyne:
So because you can see, no blindperson person exists.

I want to understand, because I can't wrap my head around it.

I saw you also striked out most parts of yomi 's post on the 5 irresponsible things men do thread.

This woman.
You are beginning to stalk me oh.
I thot it would be fun being stalked but it's sh1t scary.
The post wasn't directed at you.

LordReed:
So in other words our mothers who suffered physical abuse and still stayed with their husbands have it better than women who choose to leave abusive marriages?

My mother didn't suffer physical abuse and neither did my grandmother. Did yours?

2CatWoman:
To be able to meet, marry, obtain foreign degree and good job and children old enough to send back home to grandparents all in 7 years is truly amazing.

Please stop making stuff up.

Meet---unknown
Impregnated - - - 2 months later.
Married - - - - - - 1yr later. First child is 3months.
Wife stayed in Nigeria for 4yrs and had second child.
They stayed abroad 3yrs. She got placement to study from here so started immediately when she got there. First child is now 7yrs. Second child is 3yrs plus.

This stuff happens to we guys as well. I just entered a keke now going to roundabout and in my seat was this fine yellow lady with big boobs. There was one other person on the seat and they needed to shift before I can enter.
Oya shift na, the girl no gree. She just sha shake bodi make e for no lost. I shrugged and entered innocently and then she moved her hand over my shoulder as per no space. Her boobs just compress for my arm and elbow for my mind I was like "why doesn't she just shift, see space everywhere" . But boob dey press my elbow this fine easter morning, wetin consain me? The journey now started and the drama started as well.
Any small bump or speed break she will throw herself forward with an 'ah.' her boobs just pressing into my elbow anyhow. Small time she will press extra hard then 'ah, sorry bros'. I tried shifting forward as per Sunday levels lemme use my church mind, but for where, she no gree. Her mammary glands still found a way to my elbow. She was wearing this red cotton t-shirt top and after some time I started feeling the bump that showed her nippule was getting erect.

I was like 'is this really happening' and then I remembered this thread and started browsing for it. As I reached Junction I came down ND paid my fare, she was just looking at me somehow. My mind was like 'get her number' but another part of me was like 'bros, na church we dey go so o'. In the end I paid my fare and said to no one in particular 'OK na'. And this girl smiled and said 'bye bye bros'! I was like so this girl knew what she was doing!!!
The keke zoomed off and I went my way. Not sorry I didn't collect her number though. She looked too... Em... Mgbeke-ish.

subbieD:
Lol.....yeye

Happy easter dearie.

subbieD:
Here I am

wow.
speechless i am right now
you complete me
please be mine

bukatyne:
It seems this post was not intended for me

I don't know the correlation between my posts and all men wahala

no wahala
happy easter.

cococandy:
Only following your example.

Happy Easter

no you are not
happy easter

olu77:
Are you his brother?

she doesnt used to let me rest in the house. always checking my phone and shouting if she sees anything resembling woman's name! anytime come home its you didnt do this, you didnt do that, when will you do this why did you do that, i couldnt take it anymore! so i had to escape to my friends outside. when i ask her for sex she refuses, when i hug her she tells me to stop rough play she doesnt like it, what do you want me to do? abeg free me jo!

fexichi:
Getting drunk.

what are you drinking?

bukatyne:
Look at the last line of my post.

There are about two threads on husbands who want to divorce their cheating wives who confessed

Start your ministry there

Besides points 3 to 6 are moot

saw the last line, so? i'd want the one i love to forgive me if i made a mistake. i'd do the same for her.

and so those husbands represent all men?

no thanks, not interesting.

are they? I remember reading somewhere here where someone advocated that if you were unhappy with the marriage for any reason, you should walk away. she is viewing this thread now

moca:
I really don't know how to explain this but let me give u an example.

A guy came for my hand in marriage immediately after my high school.
These r what he told me he want me to do.
That I should go and learn how to sow.
Don't ever learn hair dressing cos they gossip too much.
And the last. U will not further ur education cos graduates r wild and disobedient

In all these,he didn't allow me to talk.
Don't know if I want to learn how to sow.

That's imposing ur will.

U demand for things to be done ur way or no way at all.

was he an igbo trader?
[size=4pt]although bolded is kinda true[/size]

c'mon guys dont do shit like that anymore.
do they?

FrancisTony:
5minsmadness,

Are you heartbroken?

she was SO beautiful**sobs***

bukatyne:
True that

Will add that genuine love anyways

Not Ife nitori (conditional love) abi Ife gbigbona (hot love)

Ife sibesibe (unconditional love 1 Cor 13 type)

And remember to love your neighbor (spouse) as yourself.

but nobody has Ife sibesibe

1. the man cheats ---divorce
2. the man hits you once ---divorce
3. the man calls you fat ---divorce
4 the man doesnt make you happy anymore ---divorce
5. the man carries you abroad and gets a job for you and you no longer see the man as being on your level ---divorce.
6. all men are evil----divorce

there's nothing unconditional about that.

moca:
Heheheheee
Why r u calling ur friend na


The average African man or let me say naija man has been indoctrinated that it's their responsibility to take care of women.

True.

So most times during courtship,u see them trying their possible best to perform the role meant for a husband as a boyfriend/fiancée.

This is also true.

Now,this has made our gals to think it's the norm hence the focus on d material things and not the person.
And our guys believe that they r doing the right thing afterall the babe is happy.this pushes them to do more.
When the babe is tired of awufu, she will find the next available man and u will cry wolf but u on the hand is the cause of ur wahala.

oookay, how?

I was wooed by all sorts of men b4 marriage and more than 90% r guilty of this.

guilty? as in its a bad thing?

U remove the focus on urself and direct it to what u can do which makes the babe to focus on what u can do solely.
By the time u wanna retract, she will see u as cunning man and will run away.

WTF, why

Why not start by being urself.

ok

Ok, check this scenerio.
U met a gal and on ur first date u r taking her to cedi plaza( I don't know where to use in lagos). U can't just walk into cedi plaza and come out empty handed.
Small porpcorn alone from silverbird is not less than 5 hundred.
And u wanna feel high. Wrong signal.m tomorrow,she willl expect more than cedi plaza.

Of course in ur jeep. U make sure u wear ur best attire and change ur swag.

So what do u expect from the babe?

I expect her to be impressed! I'm showing her I gats the swag, ya get? If I am all chequered long sleeve and chatting with her in her house all the time, she'll b the first to say I'm stingy.

When u take her back, u dip ur hand in ur wallet and give her some wands saying'babe manage this'
So tell me again,what signal r u giving?
Of course she will stay hooked even if she don't like u. She go dey manage

.
ok this part i figured out already. this part i have stopped doing. you're right.

So dear,like I said,u can substitute ur jeep for molue.

Watch her countenance. That is when u will know the real her. Discuss topics on various subjects excluding urself.m
U can chip in one or two things about urself only if she asked. But make it mysterious.
(yes we love to dig deeper)
If u can maintain a dark side, u will know whom u r dealing with.

ok.

Of course u can give gifts but not expensive ones. And at ur own terms.
The first two months will tell u d kind of gal u r dealing with.
Bombard her with questions about her future and aspirations and encourage her.
Don't be too machoistic.

ok.

U can be playful still be the man and in control.

please how do i do this? cos i have been accused of taking ladies too seriously, whatever that means.

And also don't impose sexx.

**coughs***

One step at a time.
So many things to say but I think I will stop here.

thanks muchley.

Erm, I remembered something. Don't impose ur will. A huge turn off.

So how do i be the man on top without imposing my will?

I found out u love argument so much. A huge turn off especially to the non talking types.

Moi? Love arguments? No o. I just don't like those uptight feminist folk that feel the world revolves around them because they have a vagina. no offence to you of course ma'm.

[size=18pt]why the hell else will she be asking?[/size]

cococandy:
At the drop of hat you mean abuse?

Be arranging your marriage and advocating enduring spousal abuse. As long as it favors you.
Your cup of tea bro.

Your predilection for making asumptions is legendary.
Carry on.

edwife:
Things are worst i must say nevertheless,i won't choose arranged marriage.

Ewuro4:
heck I'm not gonna blind date a 32year old with my 24yr old daughter. Thats terrifying.

I'm talking from ground up.From Tween ( 11) and up, play dates, family reunion, birthday invites etc. they grow fond of each other from little. I have friends like that, but we call them cousins heck we are not even related.

Those boys will be friend-zoned, mark my words.

Ewuro4:
heck I'm not gonna blind date a 32year old with my 24yr old daughter. Thats terrifying.

I'm talking from ground up.From Tween ( 11) and up, play dates, family reunion, birthday invites etc. they grow fond of each other from little. I have friends like that, but we call them cousins heck we are not even related.

Those boys will be friends zoned, Mark my words.

cococandy:
Love based marriage over arranged marriage for me anyday

Says the lady who mentions divorce at the drop of a hat.
(runs away)