₦airaland Forum

merahki:

@ you and "a drug addiction habit" ....your submission was the reason I typed, "even if someone had a heroin-habit bla bla bla" in a previous thread. I see it is a thing for you.

Mimzyy:
I went through the previous thread via the link you posted and something struck me. What if the Op never really forgave his wife and he only accepted her back due to pressures from all angles?

Now that they have children and they have responsibilities to take care of left, right and center, it's beginning to take it's toll on their marriage.
From his story, the little i was able to deduce is that they had a very beautiful relationship, events unfolded, they broke up, made up again and things were never the same again. They have probably been trying to patch things up all these while to no avail.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear OP (kunleajaye), here is my opinion. You are already in this, God has blessed you and your wife with three wonderful children. Do everything you can to reignite the spark in your marriage. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Opting out might seem like a huge relief but believe me, it is only a temporary relief. Your wife has agreed that she has her fair share of the blame which is a good one. Yorubas will say that "The day a mad man realizes that he is unclothed is the day his sanity will be restored".

It is not easy taking care of just one child not to talk of three adorable children. You both are trying very hard to make ends meet and now is not the time to give up. Be realistic with yourself, pick a pen and a paper, pen a list of everything you think your wife is doing wrong. Have heart to heart discussion with her when the children are in bed. TALK WITH HER, NOT AT HER . Ask her if there is anything she feels that you are also doing wrong and ways that she feels you can make things better.

This is your marriage, your life, no other woman will ever shower the kind of love and affection that your wife is giving to your children so please erase the thoughts of divorce (if you have it already). Above all, PRAY and ask God to lead you aright. It is well

Mimzyy:
They are trying so hard to make ends meet, i am not sure they can actually afford to stay off from their respective jobs for a week (i stand to be corrected). To cut cost, they can probably try to reignite the spark right there in the comfort of their home, one or two candles here and there and they have a perfect romantic dinner date . It is well. I am sure it's just a phase, they will pull through.

kunleajaye:
Next week will be the fifth year anniversary of the day my wife and I tied the knot. It hasn’t really been smooth sailing and many people feel marriage is all about a fairy tale, a handsome hunk sweeping the fair damsel off her feet and riding off into the sunset to live “happily ever after”. From my experience, marriage is anything but.

A year after our wedding, my wife lost her mother on that ill-fated Dana plane crash. She was barely into her first month of pregnancy and she almost lost the baby. God knows how much we all tried to hold things together for her and her younger ones as she automatically became the mother figure to her younger ones. A few months later, into her 8th month of pregnancy, we both left the shores of Nigeria to the US as I had accepted an admission for graduate studies.

Fast forward to today, we have three lovely kids, a girl (the first) and two twin boys. Unfortunately for me though, I seem to have lost some of the affection I had in the past for my wife. In clearer terms, I fear I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t as smooth as one would expect. We all know, especially those who live here in the States, that working as an International student is hard. You can hardly find companies that want to hire foreigners, especially in the IT field I’m in. I sometimes wonder how I would pay for rent, utilities, daycare, and even food at the beginning of each month. Rent alone takes away all my meager salary. My wife first of all started out by purchasing and sending baby clothes and other stuff home to Nigeria, but with the “receive today, pay tomorrow” attitude of people at home, coupled with the whole decline of the naira, the business has literally been ruined with so many bills to pay. Luckily she also started school on a tuition-only scholarship, so we have to take the kids to the day-care almost everyday, which is an additional strain to the meager pay I receive.

I don’t want to assume it is my feelings for her reducing, but these days I almost always catch myself staring at her in forlorn. I don’t see the beautiful girl I married during the first few years of my marriage. I want to assume it is the stress of all this, coupled with my school work, but these days any little thing she does annoys me. She doesn’t help matters either and sometimes we shout at each other or argue over the most trivial of things. For the past couple of months we’ve not slept in the same room. She prefers to sleep with our daughter while I sleep with the boys in the other room. Anytime I want us to be together, she’ll complain that the kids are too young to sleep alone. I accepted that argument when we first had the boys but they are almost three now. I sometimes have to carry them to their room so that she will “agree” to stay with me, and that is sometimes with great reluctance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my wife. I just fear I don’t find her attractive anymore. The other night she told me our sex life has really dwindled and I out rightly told her it was her fault. She said she knows and she’ll try being better but till date I’ve not seen any improvement. She’ll complain of being tired or a headache anytime I want to initiate anything, only to plead with me the following morning. There was a day she just lay there like a log of wood, indirectly telling me to do what I want to do and be done with it. I got so angry that I didn’t know when I started yelling on her. She didn’t even respond and turned to face the wall. I left her alone in bed and slept on the couch that night.

I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore. I don't want a situation where all this will split our family apart and suffer the little ones.

Mcayofficial:
U r indeed pretty

U face look SIMILAR to som1 i knw, i cnt remember

Mimzyy:
There is no big issue or small issue.

None of the two options listed above will work for me so here is my number 3 (AS THE WOMAN)

3. One the argument becomes heated, cool down, hug him tight(he is gonna resist but make sure you hold on tighter ). Tell him you love him and you are sorry for exchanging words with him (remember that men are egocentric in nature, he will love this and his head will swell ). Plant a deep kiss(very very french kiss oo) on his lips, then take him to the other room and remind him(not in words,but in actions ) that you remain his personal porn star .

When he wakes up in the morning, apologize again, then calmly tell him what he said/did to piss you off the night before, he will apologize (might not be in words, some men do not know how to say sorry, yes it's bad but that is just how they are wired but he will show remorse somehow). #CaseClosed

Ujoan:
True . . . but letting go is a loooong process. It doesn't happen overnight.

But I guess you think she should have sucked it up and moved on, afterall she's just a woman and should even be glad a man considered to marry her in to begin with . . .

If not, why would you suggest that she was wrong to vent her anger in the moment

She was betrayed and she has every right to react however she felt like (as far as she didn't kill anybody). Everyone knows that eventually the anger would have burnt out and she will be reasonable again to listen to his side. But not him, he felt insulted that a mere woman will have the audacity to insult. After all he only impregnated another woman, it's not like he killed somebody . . .

So he thought, "what the heck . . to hell with her . . . after-all I have a whole new family living the dream here in SA, and she's down there in Nigeria stuck with the stigma of a single mother . . who's laughing now . . . hehehehehe"

Let's face it, he didn't try hard enough to 'communicate' with her and that only means one thing. He doesn't really want the marriage anymore!!! Why else would he leave her all alone in Nigeria for 5 years, with a son he has never met? That man moved on waaay before her and expecting her to keep waiting for him is just . . . . well, cruel! She deserves to be happy too, and make no mistake, she will be!

cococandy:
5minsmadness, I want to call you out to pls state the venomous posts in her other thread that you're talking about. It seems you can't put forward your opinion without looking for who to denigrate. So instead of being slimy about it, quote the particular post you're referring that is responsible for her not having reconciled with her ex.

Is it my post that told her to take him for HIV sceeening before taking him back sexually (that's bad advice?).
Or is it tearose's who simply stated that the man behaved badly (someone can't say the truth anymore?)
Or is it efemena's or byvan's? I could go on and on.pls Who are those happily married women responsible for her not being with her man that you are indirectly talking about.

If I recall, there was a man on that thread who was even more vocal about it and suggested she doesn't go back to him. but as usual your obsession with 'married women' of this section won't let you see that.

I want you to quote the venomous post that is responsible for her being single right now.

urbanmsg:
I have following your comment,you see my son's father is a passive aggressive person. He will do something that will drive one mad but will never want to be involved in any can kind of confrontation or discussion concerning the issue,he likes keeping malice a lot. If I didn't love him I would have agreed to marry him and have waited all these years waiting for him only to find out he has been living with another woman to even having a child with her.

Ujoan:
But she said he was the one to shut her out and stopped all communications.

Abi?

urbanmsg:
.Because of how hurt I was for what he did I sent series of curse and angry messages to him,he eventually wouldn't take any of it and he shut down,what I am suppose to do when I have already waited for such a long time only for things to end up this way and I don't still know when he is coming back.

Mindfulness:
I just went through the other thread to see if I commented there but I didn't so what I am about to say is not in self-defence but to point out the fallacy of your post, which takes the responsibility from the husband and insinuates that OP has no mind of her own to distinguish between good and bad advice.

Are you in a way saying that the posters there advising her are responsible for her situation? What the man did is not 'honorable' - as you put it mildly, very mildly, too mildly - but the happily married ladies are to be blamed now? Like seriously? Have you considered that these ladies may be happily married because they don't take nonsense and looked out for men with sense?

Cutehector:
Jokes apart, it's not right to wash a woman's clothes.

urbanmsg:
I put up a topic sometime here sometime ago about my marriage. After all said and done I decided to move on with my life because ex hubby never showed remorse and has shut down communication. I been overwhelmed,distressed,hurt and heart broken but no matter what life goes on and I thank God I am healed from all that.
Mhen entering the dating scene with a child is a tough one Nigeria. Most Naija guys think they are doing you a favor,they don't even care how you got there,every single mum with a child is stereotyped. Here is my experience so far:
I have this one that wants marriage but keeps saying that he won't train another man's child. I keep wondering who is more important to me whether him or my child. My child is more important to me than a thousand husband. The second guy I met asked me what I am bringing to the table,I so laughed out loud,told him I am the Table what else does he want me to bring. I have since deleted all his contact. The third guy a doctor from the word go was only talking S*x,I keep wondering if I looked like a call girl. Is like I am going to be single for a looooong time. The loneliness gets annoying sometimes though.Please if you have a word for me,you drop it. Thanks

Acidosis:
That's the problem in bold.


Let me explain:

1. Men naturally see " not-so-pretty" ladies as easy to get.

They believe women who are not so pretty crave for attention, and want to be around men all the time. They think they're doing you a favour by coming to "play" with you.

Married men don't have the time to chase extremely beautiful women. They know it's a hard job to "play" with a goddess, they don't have that time to waste especially as they have to return home to act like the decent husband their wives know them to be. They only want to visit and exit asap, reason they consider "not-so-pretty" women as great option to pass time. Again, married men do not want to compete with other men (singles especially), they believe the beautiful ones are highly competitive and attract lots of single and ready men, so they make their tent on the readily-available option.


2. Secondly, I believe that line in bold was wrongly used. I don't know you, but I'm 100% sure I will find you highly attractive when I meet you, but that line indicates esteem issues. This brings back the issue I raised in 1. Men see women with low self esteem as easy to catch. Esteem is solely a psychological issue, and got nothing to do with pan-caked face.


What you can do?

Believe in yourself that you are a beautifully and wonderfully made lady. You do not need the recommendations of any man to survive. Say these to yourself, and watch how serious single men will locate you.

TR1212:
My brother, shey wetin make I talk na? I didn't mean to sound low really, I only meant to imply that I don't have all those bazookas that attract men like flies to dead ratBees to honey/ants to sugar. So I still don't get why. In any case I read you well and will take your advice to heart.

Thanks for the complement too.

Dyt:
Can you pls just take this serious
I am not joking

Dyt:


I am broke
I need money
I have account numbers
Fbn
Gtb
Diamond
I have ATM's for them and I get alert too
Epppp me before I leave
Eppppppp



Jaybee3
Tearoses

Onegai

Efemenaxy

Mizmycoli

Funjosh

Ayobase

Thorpido

Anonimus na o or 0? An0nimus

Sisisioge

Caveatemptor

Walahi this is no jokes

Timbuktou:
It could be true he hit her, after giving him some lip of course. She sounds very lippy to me. Not every man will handle that with calmness.



Ditto.


Women cannot be abusers.

Caveatemptor:
At about 06.00hrs this morning Moji sent me a what's app message that I should meet her at NNPC early because she was going somewhere with her mum. From my home to the petrol station was about a fifteen minute drive,so by 06.20 hours I was parked inside the NNPC petrol station awaiting Moji and her mum.
I put a voice call through to her line and told her I was waiting for her. She told me she would be with me in about 10 minutes,however from the background sounds itvwas obvious she was in her house and not yet ready.
30 minutes later Moji and her mother were no where in sight. I was worried about sitting in my car in a petrol station without buying fuel. I put another call to Moji,reminding her that I worked in Ikeja and my work was time based,again she promised to be with me in 10 minutes time,but from the background noise it was obvious she was still at home.
By 15/minutes after 07.00 hours,I was ready to climb a wall and was completely exasperated. My boss was calling me that I was needed in the office.
At 07.30 hours,I was still in the fuel station when Moji called that she and her mum were at XYZ petrol station. I almost hit my head on the dashboard. Moji calmly told me that her mother,wanted to see me and that I should turn round from NNPC station and drive down to XYZ station,in the background I could hear her mother shouting at her.
I just started my car and drove off. I found her to be very unserious.
When I got to the Office, Moji called me to tell me her mother said I must be a ritualist. I found that amusing and told Moji I did not owe her money. I was just trying to help because of the kids. I advised her to go to a bank and get a form for a savings account. She was reluctant. I offered to send her recharge cards of 5000 Naira for her to sell and open an account. She was reluctant as she said people would think she wanted to defraud them.
I just gave up and told her to try and open an account,send me the number,then I would contribute my widows mite.

sisisioge:
Wowzer!

Babes, I have tried so hard to quit posting in here because unlike other well meaning NLers( whether kissing her or spanking her) I already bursted a vein trying to contain myself and opinion. This situation here isn't really my monkey...I'm gonna stay put on the fence.

That said, I don't have friends in here. I only know some monikers after having seen a lot of their posts on threads of interest. Thus, easy it to note those who seem like their heads sit well on their shoulders or otherwise. So don't get it twisted, no caucus...no clique, just fellow NLers. As a matter of fact, I run for cover when people accidentally see me logged on and ask for my moniker in real life. Onegai, dyt or even timbuktou would walk by me without me recognizing them and them me . I think they have lovely virtual personalities, and thats that. Hence, anonymity maintained.

You weren't the first that found my opinion on societal strata displeasing so I'm just gonna reiterate that I'm a Nigerian. In Nigeria, we are cultured people and our culture deeply endorses respect. Hypothetically, just because Prof. Wole Soyinka decides to adopt the moniker 5secondscraziness her on NL does not mean he should be disrespected by an uncultured youngun. If that happens, let the fellow imagine him/herself doing that sheet in reality. I was just reminding her to imagine herself in a room full of Nlanders...would you be comfortably foul mouthed in a room full of all Nlers too? Yeah, your grandpa might be reality behind gaboski's moniker. Moji is a Yoruba girl, yorubas are big on respect, especially when we are seeking...Humility.

By the way, you missed the last "si" in my moniker. I wouldn't have seen this if I wasn't reading leaf to leaf It's sisisioge.

Anyways, no offense taken. Enjoy your day.

veave:
Anybody that wants to fight should fight. The day is boring already. Let me go and bring my refree's whistle. So because person go vex, make dey no tell am the truth again?

Onegai:
Screw that. You missed where because someone couldn't help her, she immediately reverted to type and called the guy a ritualist. You missed when she came and read it here, she sent me a message that it was her mum's fault, that her mother doesn't want anyone helping her and said he was a ritualist and that I'm also attacking her. I used to assume I wanted only a nice tone from people to help me with until the day I was in trouble and the only people who came to save my life (literally I was on the floor blacking out) were those who always took a harsh tone with me. You think I like being this hard, you think I don't feel bad, you think I don't worry I'm not being too hard on her?? Abegi. Truly I'm stepping back, I have my own problems and I'm chopping nonsense from all sorts of people and for what, some chick that thinks I hate her.