₦airaland Forum

OOPS! THE MARKETERS HAVE DONE IT AGAIN

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."

Start with ones you don't like

Seems the OP is undecided about where to place the shots.
I recommend two to the left side of the chest, and one to the head. Use hollow point rounds to avoid ricochets

I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omo, I could not even buy a bus pass let alone open a bank account. This is my story:

It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus's. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA(Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich  Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle.

We were suppose to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE. He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me.  Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade or Babs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging - he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French. I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo (my man) was trying hard to be British.

After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialized in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status changed drastically, , I had a BMW 328i's convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO, and living in a council flat and signing on. I went to Moonlighting every Friday, and, drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over a 1000 pounds on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home.

My downfall: greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise).  I was under surveillance and I did not even know.  I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong.  I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books.  I ate 8 before they pulled me over. They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - OGA, water please!

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs, and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows, and naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

NIGERIAN ECONOMICS:
You have two cows
You eat one and claim it was stolen
Call in the Police to investigate
Police arrested everyone living within 100km
Torture them thoroughly until someone admitted kidnapping the cow
The police instead collected one cow each from everybody arrested
You have your cow back and the Police now owns a cattle farm.

(in yoruba, with an Ibadan accent)
pssst pssst
kusi mi, olomoge
ehn, Safi l'oruko mi
modakeke nile, 'foko l'angbe
mo lofu re
se o folu, abi o folu?
a i folu re, iya l'oje
kan ti e fashi mi olomoge
'there are many fises in the sea'

(quasi-transliteration)
pssst pssst
Excuse me, lady
em, Safi is my name,
Modakeke is my hometown, though I live at 'foko
I love you
Do you fall, or you don't fall?
if you don't fall, you will regret it
Just forget I asked, lady
there are many fishes in the sea

BobbieMae: Olaak you is the type of mutha fawka that gets themselve killed due to the diarrehea that comes out your mouf.

Best believe i am a naija babe, born and bread adn best believe imma murder any damn Naija man that lays his filty hands on me. Imma make sure he dies slow.

You men murder us, you rape us, you beat us, and we are supposed to be classy about this? A thorough bitch for a thorough nigguh, imma keep that shit gangsta, glock my freaking 47 and spray any mutha fawka that touches me or any of my fellow females.

Who the hell do yall think yall are? Cause yall have dycks adn what not, thank God there are plastic gbola's for sale that feel even better than some uh yall PENCIL dyck negroes.

We cook for you, we do your laundry, we take care of you, we raise your kids and all we recieve from you nasty bastard, low life dirty scum bags is beating?

Women get up! I said STAND UP. Its time to start poisoning these people, yes. Put rat posion in their egusi, its time to go learn some Tae Bo, Billy blanks is the shit, and round house kick the shit outta any nigga that touches you. Shit.

You think na joke, okay we go see.

Na so fowl for mecca tall reach 

Its funny what some ladies call cooking. They will serve you instant noodles and boiled egg, and still have the liver to ask "how was my cooking, dear?"

pre-nup all the way!!!!
abi wetin u dey fear?

Cooking from gf is not required or expected, but is appreciated (wife na different matter). I can handle my biz well enough in the kitchen (and better than the average person based on responses).

On the other hand, if you shun cooking in general, problem go dey (cos I feel its laziness on your part), and while I like good cooking, the effort is what counts the most. I am willing to suffer through your trial and error, as I feel, like most things in life, cooking is an acquired skill and practice makes perfect.

Pre nup is fine as far as I am concerned, and would be less needed if divorce laws weren't biased against the spouse with the higher income.

Unless there are kids involved in the relationship, everyone should leave with what they have, and joint possessions should be split according to income contributions. I don't see the point of women claiming alimony in this situation, and on the other hand making arguments for free opportunity for both sexes in the work place. quota system and federalism

When kids are involved, the parent who loses custody should contribute to the upkeep of the kids and should be granted periodic access accordingly (except in cases of criminal behavior). Its unfair to collect someone's money, and deny him/her access to their kids.

If I am married in a society with bias divorce laws, you can bet your life I will be signing a pre nup or making similar arrangements.

@poster
Change topic to Spouse Beaters

Everyone that beats their spouse should be hung (till dead)

Him asking his ex-gf view of him as a man in a relationship is not a bad thing in of itself, after all they are probably the best set of people that could view him from the other end of a relationship. The issue should not be viewed from a jealous wife stand point, as long as the intention of both parties are honest, it could actually be a very good thing. The fact that they are his ex-gfs doesn't mean he was the one that broke it off, or that they will try to get him back at the slightest opportunity. Some of them might have seen some bad traits in him when they dated that they could give him advice on.

As good as family, clergy, mentors and mature friends are for marriage counseling, most of them have probably never seen a side of him that he exhibits in a relationship. For most people, the person known to their spouse, and the person known to others are usually like two different individuals.

Life is too short to learn from your own mistakes, so seeking advice from others on your marriage is  not bad. Gossiping about your spouse on the other hand is despicable. Not everyone can easily work through problems in their relationship, and some couples need others to point out things.

All that being said, the wife should keep a close eye on his relationship with his ex-gf, so as to curb things if they seem to be getting out of hand. As they say, once been to mecca, always an Alhaji!.

On friends and family, I don't have a problem with you dropping by uninvited. I don't expect my parents or siblings to call ahead before visiting me, as I wouldn't do same. That being said, there are few people I would freeze my life for, others will have to find whatever space they can in my schedule.

While you can make the argument that your husband knew (before marriage) your position on the issue, well so can he. From what you have said, he hasn't changed his position, and there is nowhere it is written that one's position should be adopted by the spouse. The best thing is for you to discuss it and reach a compromise e.g. cut down the number of people that can arrive unannounced to a small set.

Your husband is right though in that you shouldn't compete with his friends. In fact, I would advise you try to get his friends on your side, as you might be surprised how well positioned his friends are to help protect your interests. If you are close to them and they know how you feel about them showing up unannounced, they might actually improve their behavior for your sake. You don't always have to stand behind your spouse while relating with his family or friends, third party info usually leads to colored judgment. At times a direct relationship with his family or friends could actually be beneficial to your marriage.

Your husband shielding you away from his family and friend might be because he fears you might be rejected. You should try to understand his reasoning, and convince him to give you better access, being ready to deal with the possibility of rejection from some quarters. Initiate requests to go visit his family or friends.

When you get an opportunity to relate with his friends or family, please try to make the best of it, as it seems, for now that your opportunities will be far and few in between,. You could also try to make ancillary connections through their spouses or girlfriends as well. Any opportunity you can get to relate with  them without your husband in between would help.

Correction:
Dadandiri (from 'Dada n di ori' i.e. someone with dreadlocks who his trying to have his/her hair braided)

I was drunk

Shaving would likely make it worse.
Unless you are willing to live with the livelong task of periodic shaving, don't bother starting it.

drink bleach

Judging by some posts, some people are dumb and most likely not good looking

Why do people always like the pharisee approach?
They want to start with the whole world and then trim down whatever they feel is a sin. Looking for prophets and laws here and there
Its better to start at the beginning and build outwards. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

ti ori omo ba ma buru, orun ni koko dun

ezeagu:
What I don't get is why there aren't 'witches' in Europe 'sucking peoples blood'

ignorance is bliss

o ma se o

https://www.terminally-incoherent.com/img/facepalm.jpeg

unimpressed

While stereotyping, in all its forms, is wrong, to ignore people's backgrounds is naive.

If you don't understand where someone is coming from, it makes it difficult to work towards a common future. Everyone views life using their own paradigm, and their point of view is heavily influenced by their past.

I am not saying specific backgrounds are good or bad, but some one from a 'successful' polygamous family might have a kinder view on polygamy than one from a 'failed' polygamous situation. In the same vein, someone who was raised 'successfully' by a single parent might be more willing to accept separation, than live through what they perceive as a hellish marriage. The guy who grew up in an environment that is discriminatory to women, might grow up to think less of women.

Being from a broken home is not bad in itself, but in my limited experience, they tend to have a different perception of wedlock and parenting. Same can be said for children from a polygamous vs monogamous family.

(puts on flame suit)

“Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.” Robert Heinlein
(Not to mean pigs can't sing)

I am not sure where this belongs, but felt this place was as good as any.

It's a bit disheartening, the level of grammar being exhibited by some on the forum. While no one is perfect, I am still heavily disappointed, when I see the poor command of English being exhibited by some posters, some of which I feel could have been curbed by the use of a spell checker or word processor.

Even if we take the stance that English is not our mother tongue (even though it is the official language and it is taught from elementary school), I would rather read posts in pidgin English than be required to wear Kevlar before logging on to the forum.  I do not take too kindly to the amour piercing rounds being used by some folks in their posts (j/k )

I subscribe to the notion of 'idea is need', but would still appreciate people making an effort to improve themselves in this regard.

Of course, those that quote others' grammatical errors in a derisive tone aren't helping. While some might be more learned, enlightened and /or sophisticated than others, we all have room for improvement.

1989
Dr. Orlando Owoh and His African Kenneries Beats International
E Get As E Be (LP; Owoh ORLPS 004)

SIDE A
TRACK 1 - E GET AS E BE

he he, e get as e be
A wise man, who died in the backyard of a foolish man, e get as e be

E get as e be, oni bo se je
gbogbo oro ti o sele simi o, oni bo se je

Bi won se wa mu mi nile, oni bo se je
Ona ti oluwa fi yo mi jade, oni bo se je

Agba lomi powe kan, e bi mi kinni won se ni pa
Won ni ti koko ba femilefe, aki je ori imode
Bi a si tun je ori imodo, awujo kondo ni a o gbodo lo

Koko ti femi lefe, mo si ti je ori imodo
ani a si tun je ori imodo, awujo kondo ni a o gbodo lo
Bi a ba tun de awujo kondo, bi a debe, a mo iwon ara eni ni

Orlando, koko ti femilefe, mo si ti je ori imodo
mo si tun je ori imodo, mo tun ti de awujo kondo
mo tun de awujo kondo, mo de be oluwa tun ko mi yo
ona da ki awon olote ma yibon je, baba n fe temi lowo

Jolaso samondi mi, mo ki ku ewu
odomode o ni rekodi mi, o ku ayo, o ku ewu

Awo makosi mi, nle awo balogun
se wo ni baba bolanle, nle awo balogun

Abere so nu, won lo pe sango, epe ma ti po ju oun to sonu lo

Eni ija o ba, ti n pe ara re ni okurin
ibi aye fe mi de eyi o, baba mo ma dupe temi

Ota mi moti kilo titi, o ni o ni pada lehin mi
afopina ti ofe pa ina suya ni, eran a ma ba eran  lori ina ni
o dara o, aye ma kare, onile gorogigo wo ese o

sanni o ajayi mi, nle o ore gidi mi
omo balogun jayesinmi, nle o ore mi
ni odogbolu nile, mo si ma ba e debe seun rere
nle oko seki mi, nle oko doyin
iwo ni baba bolaji odogbolu nile baba re

mo dupe o Jesu, mo dupe Eledumare
Ope ye o o Oluwa mi, mo ma dupe ore re baba
igba kan tele ri o, ota lemi won ko ba mi
won fe da owo mi de ile mo okodoro, Edumare loma ra irawo mi pada
won ti wo aso ewon funmi tan, oba oke  lobo lorun mi
mo dupe o, oro mi ju ope lo o baba

temi ju ope o baba, temi ju ope o baba
mo dupe o, oro mi ju ope lo o baba

temi ju ope o, oju ope o
mo dupe o, oro mi ju ope lo o baba


Side B TRACK  1 -  LAGOS WOMAN

Ki a so nipa omoge ni gboro eko, adelobo san ju omoge sere kote lo
Ki a so nipa obirin ni gboro eko, adelobo san ju omoge sere kote lo

Omoge agege - awon yen tun ara se
Adelebo agege - awon yen gbo ti oko
Omoge ikeja ra wu - awon yen tun ara se
Adelebo surulere - awon yen gbo ti oko
Omoge oni iroyin kan be ni ikeja - awon yen be kiri
Nibi won polowo ara - awon yen be kiri
Mo duro titi mo wo won - awon yen be kiri
Mo de oshodi, mo ri won - awon yen be kir
Mo duro titi mo wo won - awon yen be kiri
Won be ni obalende - awon yen be kiri
Won be ni shomolu - awon yen be kiri

Won ni langbe jina o! - langbe jina o!
Langbe jina o! - langbe jina o!
Fifty kilo ni oyan omoge - langbe jina o!
Hundred kilo ni oyan mejeji - langbe jina o!
Fifty kilo ni oyan omoge - langbe jina o!
Hundred kilo ni oyan mejeji - langbe jina o!
Aunty oni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!

Omoge to n je tiwa - awon yen je tiwa

Ero ba mi ki yakubu mi
Ademola Yakubu
Oko faith, mo roye o, yakubu
Managing director sun breakers hotel, Ondo
The managing director 'fastland' hotel, Apapa
Awo korokoro mi, apata
Ba mi toju sisi Ranti, Ranti gbayi ni obirin

Omoge to n je tiwa - awon yen je tiwa
five five kilo ni oyan awon omoge - to n je tiwa
five five kilo ni oyan awon omoge - to n je tiwa
eyi ti omo ti n mu, ten kilo ni - to n je tiwa
eyi ti omo o mu ri five kilo ni - to n je tiwa
yato si awon oni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!

yato si awon oni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
Langbe jina o!- langbe jina o!
Won ni langbe jina o!- langbe jina o!
Fifty kilo ni oyan omoge - langbe jina o!
Fifty kilo ni oyan omoge - langbe jina o!
Ewo bebi o ni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
o ni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
olomu oru - langbe jina o!
olomu oru - langbe jina o!
Sisi o ni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
bebi o ni oyan kobere - langbe jina o!
bebi o ni oyan kobere - langbe jina o!
Aunty o ni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
Lakokona yo eruku lailai - langbe jina o!
Lakokona yo eruku lailai - langbe jina o!
Sisi o ni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
Sisi o ni oyan kobere - langbe jina o!
Ewo bebi o ni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
bebi o ni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!
Fifty kilo ni oyan omoge - langbe jina o!
Hundred kilo ni oyan mejeji - langbe jina o!
Mo duro titi mo wo won se - langbe jina o!
Mo de oshodi, mo wo won se - langbe jina o!
Mo duro titi mo wo won se - langbe jina o!
Mo de oshodi, mo ri won se - langbe jina o!
Aunty oni oyan pandoro - langbe jina o!

Side B TRACK 2 -  HAVE YOU BEEN TO DIS STATE

hm hm hm,hm hm hm,  hm hm
ma ma ma ma ma, ye  e

Been to dis state before? Have you been to dis state before?
(eso) Been to dis state before? Have you been to dis state before?
Kalakuta republic at alagbon - have you been to dis state before?
Kalakuta republic at alagbon - have you been to dis state before?

Many many people in the town, have been to dis state before
many many people in the town, have been to dis state before
Kalakuta republic at alagbon - have you been to dis state before?

Ye ye ye, ye ye ye,ye ye ye ye yeye
yo yo yo yo, yo yo yo yo yo yo yoyo

innocenti plenty for alagbon
biro shoot am plenty o, for alagbon
dem go molest you tire o, for alagbon
If you are dealing in fraud o, you might have been to tdis state before
if you are dealing in foreign exchange o, you might have been to dis state before

Many many people in the town, have been to dis state before
many many people in the town, have been to dis state before
Kalakuta republic at alagbon - have you been to dis state before?