₦airaland Forum

Idydarling:
this one is strong

eleeyi gidi gan!

dovelike:
Ya na umunne ya

nakwa ndi bê ya!

nikkiking:
Pishure .

Mean why..... the best judge to this type of news is to cut off he's manhood .

MEANWHILE, the best judge to this type of news is to cut off HIS manhood!

I ALMOST PEED LAUGHING!!!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.
more humor and good stuff--->> Happy People!!!

jazinogold:
na corpers dy fall into their trap pass! during nysc peeps go travel to attend interview with out knowing its a scam! dem go even dy happy go buy or borrow suite unto first interview! lol! for job Wey dem no apply for wasting their small savings. wen dem com back , omo na lament dem go dy lament like palmy Wey don ferment

damn! I luv ur rhymes

Buhari has concluded the most important appointments of his government. ON THE LATEST FEDERAL APPOITMENTS. Sir Aliyu Nuhu Wrote

"The damage has already been done. The key positions had gone to the North and what remains may not correct the imbalance even if all the 300 future appointments go to the South. Buhari has concluded the most important appointments of his government and leaving himself with a Public Relation disaster. The skewed appointments lacked political, regional, religious and ethnic colour. How on earth can one explain a government led by a Northerner with Head of Service, Chief of Staff, SGF and all that matter coming from Northern region? How can Buhari completely ignore the people, I mean the politicians that catapulted him to power? In ministerial appointments to come, at least, by law 19 must go to the North. Buhari is the petroleum minister. FCT, Defense and finance may definitely go North. Whatever goes South might not assuage grievances. Remember the last appointment also saw only one southerner while eight went to the North. Federal cabinet selection is not like national soccer team selection where people don't care where players come from as long as they deliver the trophy. As a nation we have not matured to that level. They said truth is bitter, but let it be said."
Sir Aliyu Nuhu who wrote the above post is a highly respected Northerner.

I trust you all can remember this fateful day. our dreams shattered. Millions of hearts broken.

Surrounded by mean looking police men! Smile kwanu dem no gree smile!

Vacancies exists for the following positions in an Ultra modern shopping Mall in Owerri:

1. Accountants
2. Bakery and Grocery
3. ICT (Computer experts)
4. Store Officers
5. Telecoms Officer
6. Cashier Officers
7. Marketing officers
8. Warehouse Manager
9. Attendants (O'level)

Interested applicants should send their updated CV with a cover letter stating the position they are applying for and addressed to:
THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT,
ARISE INTEGRATED LTD,
NO 10 MANN STREET OWERRI, IMO STATE
08035429579.

All applications should be sent to the following Email:
Ariseconsults.owerri@gmail.com
Goodnessconsults.owerri@gmail.com

NOTE: applicants resident in Owerri, Imo State will be given special consideration.

Application Closing date is on Tuesday 15th September 2015.

benedictnsi:
in developed nations, you as a military can't start brutalising or bully someone because they are feared or appears stronger than you due to the fact that they are under the umbrella of certain immunity.

have you tried breaking the law with such impunity and carelessly in those "developed" nations? That's when u'll know that White and Black no be the same. Leave developed nations alone, this is Nigeria...where some people behave like sick animals and deserve to be treated as such!

PunkyVeer:
SOOO, let me get this straight. .a guy & a girl can't just be friends? Platonic? How weird!

it really baffles me. My best friend in Uni back in the days...a girl, strictly platonic. BUT guys begin parra say we dey ****. Till today, I just haven't found another girl as cool and free as her.

All these men running 100m in 9.79 and 9.80 seconds. No be wetin I dey waka come alone in 15minutes? Hmmm...

Conclusion: dem be winsh!

noadvertjobs:
How To Secure A Job in a FAST FOOD In Nigeria - Jobs/Vacancies -

I thought it was this I saw until I looked harder. Lol!

femoboy:
pls Nairalanders,i got an invitation from sinope insurance company in Ibadan this morning,pls I want to know if it's genuine because I'm in lagos. pls if there is anybody that got the same msg kindly identify yourself.Pls guys I'm interested in the Dragnet aptitude test questions.pls help me by sending it to me.femoboy09@gmail.com,pls help.

been in the insurance industry BUT I've never heard of SINOPE insurance before.

Okay

Their Principal is LeadWay Assurance Company Ltd. They're currently looking for marketers for their Health Insurance business line.

Some men are just God-forsaken nymphotic womanizing fuks...dating a married woman? The woman herself suppose to be PRO to that Olosho association. Allah! That soldier is doing really well. Humiliate 'em, even flog the hell outta them join.

God go punish any man wey wan hook my future wife! Nonsense!!!

God will equally help me marry a virtuous wife (so that I no go kill pesin). Amen!

3rd November deadline? I left my application halfway last year. Don't have interest in it this year. Maybe next year, I'll renew my interest in it. God-willing.

Wow! I've nurtured my RnB Special since January this year and I now look cool in it. I so love it. Makes 'em girls craze for me!

Haywhy433:
As a Criminology and Security Studies undergraduate, i've always contemplated on my chances of getting a job or what type of job i wii be eligible. Pls i will appreciate ur pieces of advice..

a person who studies Criminology is a Criminal. Good part is that Police will accept you without screening sef!

Aisha95:
So you're implying that a mistake as this isn't worth forgiving?

at allll.........

Mbok how can I place order for a CAMEL on Konga or Jumia?

bunmioguns:
nice one


no be by height dem dey take do am


but wait a minute

when will this dude get married

him brother Aki wey marry some years ago don born pikin?? Girls don sabi say dem no get load for waist, bad market for paw-paw!

TheImp:
Hoecracy..

bwahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa...ROTFL

Hoecracy, ashawocracy

STARSHYNE:
I've got different embarrassing moments but I'll just share d one that happened last week


I was coming back from work jejely,cat walking and all sorts, my slippers just decided to deal with me...The thing had to cut in front of a house where party was going on ..I was still dragging my legs with the slippers when a guy noticed it,he laughed and told me sorry...The other guys started laughing and that was how everybody in d party knew what was happening.. I was embarrassed ehn,I picked up my slippers...God punish catwalk...The guys there just started shouting Action!!!action!!! till I left the area...I didn't take that route for 2days

wow! Something similar happened to a girl who was passing thru my hood. My frnds laughed hysterically @ her cos she too dey do shakara. I gentlemanly took her slippers, gave her mine, rushed down to Abdullahi the shoe maker and repaired it. Took it to her house later in d day and till today, we're best of friends! If I wan marry now na she I go marry. Fine girl!!!

Oyetboy:
what's so special about the three idiots movie? everyone keeps talking about it

its inspirational, its interesting, its life-changing, its hilarious, its action packed...

INFACT, its all you need in a movie!!!

Ah! Ah! Baba oooo! The CHANGE must reach everybody. Abi u wan collect all the money ni? N150 change is manageable under the present dispensation. Just manage the small change untill big change come.

yettybaby112:
Omg! Kinda of scary

haba? You use "kinda" come use "of" again? Wetin?


Kinda is short form of "kind of"

All these girls wey learn English by force.

Just wait until #babaGoSlowAndSteady visits their plight. All those corrupt idiots will run! They will turn from prison officers to prisoners. #ItrustPMB

Risk advisor: a modern and coined name for marketer.

This is one thing killing the insurance industry. Over emphasizing on marketing instead of making the business attractive for the insuring public.

The worst of it all, they pay these so called risk advisors (marketers) based on commission without a basic salary. Some people even go as far as using "juju" to coarse clients to buy insurance in order to gain commission from each sale.

Wow! Thank God for ur life bro...I say this: no one should ever honour IV from a fellow in another state (be it business or...) Without guidance from a trusted friend residing in that state. Many have gone in the hands of ritualists unreported. Pray and always pray!

joystickextendr:
okay









Meanwhile do u want to know how u can enlarge your joystick and stop premature ejac?? Check my profile/signature

no be you give the other guy mojo Ring wey make im johnthomas swell? And dem come call Fire service people to quench the fire? Abeg park well joooooor!!!

Niklausa:
Another class of ladies are the ones that have nothing upstairs. Engage them in a conversation on relevant issues and they will just be starring at you like dead fishes.

u're so on point here...reason why I lost interest and dumped my to-be girlfriend. Damn!!!

The Court sef no get light... The judge sef no get light for house... People wey come witness the case ruling sef no get light for house...
NEPA staff themselves no get light even for dia office...
Smh!