₦airaland Forum

[quote author=j-slimz]^^ You guys are funny. Hope there are no initiation rights?
But funny enough i've been sneaking into the club now and then, and i guess i'm used to the waiting.[/quote]good, good, good
Welcome once more

Specific rites
As part of the initiation rites
If you are above 18, and you are pretty, charming and sexy
then you are eligible to vote for ishilove on this thread =>
https://www.nairaland.com/1131064/official-literature-writing-section-poster/6
simply click on link and type 'ishilove'

Other rites (one step further)
You do not need to give offerings or your first fruits to her
simply send a PM to her with MTN vouchers for Xmas
you'll be glad you did

...and remember, God loves a cheerful giver

[quote author=j-slimz]I'm still checking the time sha, though we still have some hours to mid-night. I just wanna keep my fingers crossed.[/quote]Welcome to the club
Just bring your mat and other personal effects to the camp

and please, kindly throw away your wristwatch

Ihedinobi: She's my "madam" but I better tell you that she has a poor conception of time and promises. So you might need to keep your phone charged for as long as a week for her "tonight" to arrive.

50 likes

PhysicsQED: "X-men" on the way?

They better watch that kid closely. Next thing you know, the baby will be sprouting wings.

lol
Children of these days are truely growing wings

@obalola7
off course, we all know that nothing is easy. even if it looks like that on paper
the idea behind the writeup was to show a logical sequence of events
Like how you explained the progression towards a PhD

it is neither spiritual nor carnal
Just the way it is

[quote author=Atheist:-D]My pleasure.

Are you a pastor by the way [/quote]
^^could mean anything

[quote author=Atheist:-D]
Just as I was dusting off my bible I saw your post. Oh well. Back to attacking tithe robbing pastors again.[/quote]oops
sorry about that my friend
please go ahead

Let me assure you all
This is no strategy that just anybody can tap into

You do need an amount of God's hand on your life to acheive this
Even if you'r an aethist and try this
you'd be converted before you're halfway there

ahahahah I laugh in tongues

9b) Real Estates
(How could i have forgotten this major key to wealth)

With loan from the bank, buy a cheap piece of real estate for yourself in an unused or disused part of lagos
I am talking of virgin land the size of many villages. Call its "Believers island"
also buy a nice piece for your church in this location (this is the secret)
Start building a megachurch there

Investors are smart. they know an oppurtunity when they see one, and will swam to you for some pieces of land
Sell some plots to them and use the money to pay off the loans
Hold your end of year church events here
Soon, roads and houses will spring up around your virgin territory

You could build a road to the church, or wait till a minister or governor starts attending your church
pronto, You've got yourself a road
As your megachurch takes shape with time, the value of your real estate hits the rooftop
. We're talking billions of naira

I think you should do this before purchasing your private jet

Now welcome to the billionaire club

11) Conclusion

*Believing that a spam machine banned me and hid post #10, I'll continue (Please MODs, if this is not the case kindly alert me. Thanks)*

Now that you are a successful pastor
its time for you and your flock to look back and reflect
reflect on the wilderness experience and how God strengthened and sharpened your intellect
and used this as a tool in taking you to the promised land

I confess that I personally have a poor sense of wrong and right
I therefore am not able to easily condemn

However, let's all be clear
that money does not fall from the sky no matter how hard we pray
its humans, you and I that are the source of physical money
these humans we must not disdain, but deal with in utmost respect at least as the channels of blessings
They (under the wings of the almighty) got us to where we are

.... Halleluyah


* I have modified and reposted post #10*

10) your private jets and your interview

Its been 25 years since that first day
you stopped earning church salaries about 12 years ago
You now have a global church with 300 thousand plus members globally
With revenues from tithes and offerings of at least 15 billion naira annually

You need to travel at short notice globally
A private jet is needed, so you buy one
There is an outcry

You grant an interview and make it clear that you've not received a church salary for at least 12 years now
Yes indeed sir, you are very correct

9) No more salaries

You now feel that you need to stop getting paid by the church. The money needs to be devoted towards churchy things
you pray about this

Soon it hits you.. GBAM!!!.

With a constant cashflow of at least 12 million naira per month. Banks where the money is kept are willing to give you very cheap loans to do business with. Wow!!!.
With cheap credit which is unavailable to most nigerians, you start doing business -Schools, univeristies, restaurants, event centers, hotels, transport companies,... name it.

While this is going on, you encourage your church members to persist in their giving. God is not a God that understands recessions. This is true, and beneficial to you too.

8 ) Money, money, money

Its now 13 years since that first day
You're married, with a kid. You needs and those of the church are expanding

Its now a congregation of 3000, with a TV series once every week
You've built a modest church
You've been wise with your finances, and ensured that costs are kept to the minimum

Associate pastors have day jobs, and do not have church salaries
90% of church staff are volunteers

Its time to move into the really big league
at least 100,000 members globally
You pull out your spreadsheet and make forcasts

3000 members contributing 1000naira every sunday through tithes and offerings
= 12 million naira per month
In a year, this is 144 million naira annualy


with a future number of 100,000 members. revenue set at 1000 naira per member per week
= 400 million per month. ...excellent

7) Review

Its about 8 years since you had your first home fellowship
You're now about 32 years old
you now have a congregation of 300 church goers
you broadcast on TV once every month

You want more....Halleluyah... you aint seen nothing yet

Too many young, attractive single ladies in your church
The temptation is too much, and you've fallen a couple of times
Thankfully it was hush, hush. Such mistakes could destroy your church if exposed
It's time to get married. This should help

You go out of your ministry to pick an extremely pretty girl from a rich home, have a romantic affair with her discreetly and then marry her
some of your female members are unimpressed, and leave the church

6) On the TV

The next sunday, your church attendance is 80. Thank God you always had extra chairs
These members are still fickle. They've got bigger names that they are attracted to

You need to keep them engaged with you.
Its time for a TV ministry

The TV ministry if well packaged, and if you indeed have a gift will make you shine
We all love to be a part of the movies. You're a little celebrity
Your members are now endeared to you. More are comming
Your Sunday curch services need to be broken into 2 services

5) Carnivals on the Streets

The idea soon drops in -advertising/spreading the gospel more visibly
You gather your fellowship and church members for an outdoor street carnival of preaching the gospel with gusto

Everyone is excited. its an event. Folks love events -this you are now gradually learning.
your members borrow their parents cars, honk down the streets dancing in a slow parade, sharing tracts with your church name and picture firmly on them
The girls ensure that their toasters are at thse carnivals. If not, no show

Umhh... you're learning

4) XYZ church international

Your fellowship is growing stronger by the day. Its been 4 years since you started in mums kitchen
You now have 50 youths attending the fellowship, and 20 attending the church

Those attending only the fellowship still attend their parents churches
That is not good because they give the bulk of their offerings to their mother church while giving you church the left overs
Plus you've always wanted a big church. 20 is too small a number

You're bareely surviving as you pay the bills
You've preached about tithes, but the tithes of twenty youths is not much
You go into more prayers. Your ministry needs more of everything

3) Offernings and giving

You're now becoming more sensitive to scriptures and books that deal with money (thats what happens when you pray money prayers)
you share your vision to move on with your fellowship of twenty or thereabout. They seem excited about this
but when you talk about the finances, they seem dismayed. The Haleluyah's are a little bit subdued

You whip out scriptures that point to the need for your congregation to give to the vision
these scriptures talk about associated blessings
This excites your congregation a little bit. They need jobs after schooling, and husbands too
So they sow.

Also, God might just lay in the heart of a big uncle to give your fellowship a big donation. Haleleluyah
you're now ready to take that big step of faith
You now rent a run-down hall or warehouse on the cheap.
The ladies are more than happy to bring their feminine skills to bear in making the place look good

The hall is yours 24/7. What a waste for a fellowship
its time that the fellowship becomes a church with Sunday services too

2) Have a big vision and small goals

Now that you have your little fellowship, don't despise it.
In it lies the seed of something bigger than you could ever imagine
However, it can only be as big as you want it to be and that you can handle. No more

But gently here. You'd need little steps to get to your place of rest
You're getting a little bit older
dad and mum are worried that you are still asking them for money
whereas your mates are begining to settle down -NYSC, marriage jobs etc

Somehow there is a nexus between your financial needs and the need for your fellowship to move away from mums kitchen into an official building
You'll start praying about this
and a way out will be revealed ....

1) Starting out

You've spent most part of your teenage life preaching the gospel
you're now a young adult (probably in your early to mid 20's), and want to start a church
you feel you've got the calling, and have prayed about it
Fear not. What is before you is greater than what is behind
Your needs are provided for even before you start

Simply start a little fellowship in your parents house
go preaching the gospel and win souls to christ
ensure that the new converts attend your fellowship even if they attend their regular churches

Using your parents house for the fellowship ensures that your costs are kept to the minimum
dad and mum will foot the bills

This write up is not meant to provide fodder to the aethists or anti-christrians
neither is it really meant as a pastor bashing thread
I am not praising the skills that will be detailed here either

I write simply because I must write in order to think better and then move on

The thread simply sheds lights on the valley of opaqueness of pastors wealth in Nigeria
It also helps you if you are a pastor to understand how easy it is for you to be rich if you choose to be.
It is then between you, God and your congregation to decide how the money should be managed

Milk for the children and meat for the adults
let the eyes of our understanding be open. Amen

Hi readers

This is xmas season, a period to give back
It takes a lot of effort and creativity to write such a thread

Please remember to show your appreciation to the writer by voting her in this section=>
https://www.nairaland.com/1131064/official-literature-writing-section-poster/3
simply click and type ishilove

Thanks

Have a wonderful xmas and a happy newyear

I must commend the writer of this post for doing a great job
of writing and entertaining us throughout the year.

I have therefore clicked on this thread =>
https://www.nairaland.com/1131064/official-literature-writing-section-poster/3 and typed 'ishilove'

as a vote of confidence on her prolific and God given skills to awe us

Ishilove, a toast to you as we get into a Newyear.
"may you have triplets in three succession, and may your bossom still be like FIFA balls when you are in your 80's"