₦airaland Forum

kandrus:
Na xo. Fire on...

Now now you don read am finish? There is God oh.

“Hmmmmmnnnnn!! Wetin dey smell here!!” the driver of the car asked.

“nothing oh!!” I replied almost immedeitely.

“na lie oh! Him piss for body” Segun spilled the Beans.

“who piss for body?”

“you na!!”

“guy no be piss dey smell, na water!” I denied.

“na lie oh, him piss for body because him think say I be Police nahim make”

“hahahahahahahahahahahah!! Big boy wey dey piss for body!!” The driver laughed.

“guy I no piss for body oh! Na water!” I denied.







Talking of one peeing on his p’ants and yet denying, I will never forget Ilorin; Baba Ilorin.

While I was serving, I, Ilorin and Kevin went to drink beer one evening after receiving our “allowee” for the month.

Just two bottles made a great difference in Ilorin’s life.

“where you dey enter!!” I asked Ilorin as he pushed me and entered my room to sleep.

“I wan enter my room, you dey ask me where I dey enter”

“no be your room be this na, na my room!” Before I finished saying that, he was already on my bed.

I was drunk and tired, so I hit the bed too. A bed without bed sheet; my bed sheet was still wet outside.






In my dream, I saw myself drinking Tea with a bad table mannerism.

“You don’t dip bread into a cup of Tea, that is bad table manner!!” My spirit wife corrected me.


Yes!! I had spirit wife; so many of them.

Genevieve Nnaji, Oge Okoye, Serena Williams, Angelina Jolie, Hally Berry, Kelly Rowland(the best amongst all, closely followed by Genevieve) Marie Carie, Rihana, and the ever wicked Tonto Dike.


I call her wicked because she really showed me pepper. I mean, she gave me pepper; she gave my “bros” pepper rather.


I returned very late from drinking with friends one Saturday night, and as I got home expecting a welcome hug and kiss from my “beloved” wife, she gave me a hot slap.

“where are you coming from?” She asked.

“I………. I………ehn……………I ………ehn……… I” The “I” was unending.

As she landed me another slap, the “I” suddenly changed to “we”


“We………. ehn ………………………….we ……………………………ehn ……………………we”

“we did what?” She yelled.

“we went to drink” I managed to speak.

“ehennnnn! Who are the wes??”

“wes!”

“I say who are the wes??”

“wes? whizkid no follow us oh!!”

As soon as she heard “Whizkid”, she landed me yet another slap.

I heard the sound track of NTA 9 o’clock news rang in my head.



“I no see whizkid oh!!” I cried out.

“if I hear you mention whizkid again!! I will kill you!!” she threatened.

“ok ma!!”


“so you went out to sleep with your girlfriend abi!!”

“me!! I no get girlfriend oh!!” Meanwhile, in that dream, her colleague Mercy Johnson was my girlfriend.

“you are lying abi? I will rub pepper on that your P’enis” She threatened.

An empty threat I thought it was, but as she dragged me to the kitchen, I realized the threat was far from empty.

“no try am oh!!” I dared not said.

“abeg ma!! I no go do am again oh” I cried my way out of dreamland.








After that dream, whenever I watched Tonto Dike on TV, I always saw a container of grounded pepper in her hand.










“ok I will not dip it again!!” I said to Genevieve and she smile; a kind of wicked smile.


“come lemme show you how to drink Tea and bread” My dream wife offered.

“you put the bread into your mouth this way!!” She forced two loaves of bread into my mouth.

“help!! Help!! Help!” The bread choked me.

“help!! Help!! Help!!” I cried my way to reality.



In reality, what took the place of the bread in the dream was the foam of my n’aked mattress.



“nyama!!! Ilorin you don piss for bed”

“oh God!!!!! And I don chop the foam now!!”

“nyama!! Foam wey soak piss!!”

“e no go better for that your p’rick wey you take dey piss for bed!!” I cursed.

“and I know say I go don swallow some of the foam wey piss soak!!”

“get up jor!!”









“guy make I go that boutique go buy another trouser” I left them in the canteen.

“go jor, pissy pissy boy!!”

Segun and his friend Kola laughed at me, making two girls that were listening stare at me in disgust.

I changed not only the trouser, but the top too; I mean the sweater rather. How dashing I looked wearing a white T-shirt and a blue jean.





“oboy this T-shirt fine oh” Segun commended.

“how much you buy am?” Kola asked. He ate as rough as he drove.

“na 7k for the two of them, 3k and 4k!!” I sat close to Kola; so close and taking a panoramic view of his extra large meat.

“e make sense for that price!”



Before I knew it………………….

“my eye oh!! Pepper don enter my eye oh” Kola cried.

“sorry!! Sorry!!” I came closer with a sachet water to help him rinse his eyes.

Being a Good Samaritan is really good I must say, but sometimes it might go ugly.

“I no dey see again oh! I don blind oh!!” He cried.

All of a sudden, like he was remote controlled, he stamped his oily palm on my T-shirt.

“thunder fire you there!!” I cursed

“I wan help you, you com dey use my T-shirt wey I just buy clean you hand” I tapped his head hard.

I walked outside angrily leaving the food I was served.






As I viewed the finger stamp on my shirt in the early morning sun, I noticed it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

It was like it was designed that way from the manufacturer.

“No road here” was inscribed on the shirt, so, Kola’s finger inscription on the “here” made it looked like a fashion statement.

Whenever I travelled, I always prayed to sit by the side of Ladies, or at worst, guys.

Segun sat by my right, but by my left was a woman and her about a year old baby.










“Let us pray” The Pastor of the bus said.

I answered “Amen” but my mind was in Port Harcourt. My mind was in what lied ahead for me.



Although I had been in Port Harcourt twice, but in both occasion I had never been to Snow’s house.

“I no go follow woman for Port Harcourt!!”

“I go face Church!!”

“any woman wey talk to me, I go tell am waka!!”

“I no go even dey drink!”

“I go stop Nairabet!!”

“I go Serious with God!!”

“the remaining 100k wey dey my account, I go use am start business”

“I will read my Bible at all time!!”

“if I get oil company job!! God, I will always pay my tithe!”

“I go change the way I dey dress!!I go dey dress like Pastor, so that girls no go dey pursue me!!”

“but why girls dey pursue me sef? Even if I no chyke them? No be say I fine sef” I touched my small ear; and my big nose too.

“abi na as I dey talk? But I no even sabi speak good English!”

“and at the end, if them don like me finish, them go wicked me”

“I think it’s high time I find a wife!!”

“true love!!”

“I know say I go see true love for Port Harcourt”

“if I enter church, I go see one good girl”

“or any Pastor daughter, wey I go marry!”

“but Ife and Funmi na Pastor daughter, and them wicked!”


“wicked girls!!”










“Brother, what did David say to Golliat before he killed him” Someone tapped my shoulder.

“Wicked girls!!” I answered.

“wicked what??”

“sorry!! He said……………………………….!!” I had forgotten.

“he said……………………………………………………………”

“God bless you!!”

“The answer na God bless you, David tell Golliat say God bless you” Segun the Pastor’s Son whispered to my ear.

Deluxewize:
Flowwwwww u blow my mind

What kind of blow?

IHate9ja1:
Copied.....u can wipe

i have done that? Edit where you quoted.

Thank you

IHate9ja1:
Didnt see your profile on watsapp
Flow i need work oh
Abeg where is todays update....

There you go.

“Flow where you dey go wey you dress like this? You dey travel?” Sir White and an unknown guy were on duty early that morning.

“this one wey you wear sweater, cold no dey na?”

“Sir White, I no well nahim make me wear sweter”

“what of the eyeglass? Shey sun dey shine?”

“I no well, and I get eye problem” I replied.

“hahahahahaha!! So where you com dey go na?” He was asking too many questions.

“I dey go work”

“you dey go work nahim you carry school bag?”

“in fact I suspect you, come make I search this your bag!!” He commanded.

“Sir White nothing dey the bag, na my cloth”

“you say you dey go work, why you dey carry cloth! You wan deceive me abi” That was what Sir White detested; one trying to deceive him.







I will never forget the night James tried to deceive him; telling him Igboh was dried pepper.

“wetin you carry for back pocket?”

“na dry Pepper” James answered.

“which kin dry Pepper? make I see am”


I had earlier warned James not to pass the cantonment gate with M’arijuana, Otherwise he would Marry Juana.




“Marry Juana” was the punishment given to anyone caught with weed. So draconian a punishment; it was near death.


I will never forget the late Yona’s experience walking his bride Juana down the aisle.


According to him, Dogo and Sir White the perfect duo were on duty that evening, and as he got to the gate, as usual, he squeezed 500 naira note and on code stretched out his hand to give it to Sir White; little did he know.


Little did he know Sir White’s Boss was around and he saw him brought out the money from his pocket.

“what are you giving to me, did I tell you I take bribe?” Sir White betrayed him.

“Heehhh!! Who is that bloody civilian that is offering you bribe!!” The dreaded captain Musa yelled.

“see him here sir!!” Sir White answered.

“bring him here?”

Sir White bungled Yona like a loaf of bread to Captain Musa.

Yona Married Juana and her younger sister Justina; his both foot bled about 5 litres, while his elbow bled 25 litres; I also saw blood clouded his left eye.







“Oga Sir White, na dry Pepper” James insisted and refused offering Sir White a bribe.

“you call this Dried pepper!!” Sir White brought out the weed.

That was when the alcohol that intoxicated James cleared.

“I no talk say na dry Pepper oh, I talk say na Crayfish” I thought the intoxication the Gulder beer he drank cause him had fizzled out, I thought it has fizzled out his medulla oblongata.


A sound slap made it fizzle out.



“Sir White!! You slap me!!”

“no, he slapped me!” I almost said.

“and if you talk again, I go land you another one”


“you dey play with me? You carry Igboh, you com dey tell me say na Crayfish!!”


“you must Marry Juana today!” I saw Sir White’s red eyes.







Marrying Juana entailed doing frog jumps to and fro a 100 metres distance 20 times as an appetizer.

The main dish was three course.

The first course was pushing up 200, not at a go though, followed by pinning your head in the gravel tarred Parade ground, and the third and worst was doing “Iron bender” while you are whipped with koboko in your stomach.



Pinning one’s head entailed staying in a position similar to how the Muslims pray, but different in the sense that the head “pinnee’s” legs will be out stretched backwards. ***Advice: Never you try it at home, if you do, I assure you all the components of your brain will come out through your mouth; just like how mine almost came out the day Captain Musa ordered I did it. Aside your brain's components coming out through your mouth, your forehead will surely pill of it’s outer skin.***





And iron bender? Lets forget that for the kids sake.









“You!! You follow am come abi?” Sir White pointed at me.

“me? I no know am oh, I never see am before oh! I don’t know him from Adam!” I denied my friend.

As I said that, I saw a pinch of smile in Sir White’s frown.

“you say what?”

“I say I don’t know that guy from Adam” I withdrew to a distance.












“I no wan deceive you na, I dey go work na!”

“open the bag!! “ he yelled.

“and comot that eyeglass” The other guy on duty commanded.

“your sure say you no carry igboh?”

“me? Haba!! You know say in no dey smoke again na!”






“oboy why you match my shoe?” A guy at the bus stop said.

“no vex abeg!! I no know!”

“shut up! You know!!” he yelled.

“how I go know match you?” I spoke softly. Softly because I prevented anybody noticing me.

“bros I no know, no vex” You needed to see the about 16 years old boy I called “bros”. Well, like they say in pidgin; "na condition make Crayfish bend". The condition was that i prevented the Police sighting me.








As I was about hopping into the next available bus……………………………………











Someone tapped my shoulder.








“Where you dey go? Common come down!”






I had been caught by the Police, I concluded.
















I already saw myself in a Black Maria putting on a prison garment, a fit I had never attained since I was born.

“I say come down!!” He person was dragging my left hand.






With my both hands on the back of my head, I jumped out of the bus.

“pls don’t shot me! I will follow you to the station”

“go and enter that car!!”

“I will enter sir!!” I had already peed on my trousers.








“hahahahahahah!! Flow so you dey fear like this?” The Police officer said and removed the hood he had on.




“Sege!! Why na? you don put fear for my body!!”

“see now, you don make me piss for body!!”

“hahahhahahahah!!! you be Oleh boy!!”

“go enter that car make we dey go jor!!”

IHate9ja1:
Didnt see your profile on watsapp
Flow i need work oh
Abeg where is todays update....

bacause it has been long i was online with that number, but i will be online from tommorrow.



Me sef need work

IHate9ja1:
@ flow1759...u dey watsapp....?
If yes...abeg drop your digits

No wayo

IHate9ja1:
@Abiagirl777 do you stay in p.h...? Seems you know the area well.
@ flow1759,network aint good since sunday morning,.....na Obigbo express side i dey,bro i still dey find work oh
Yes dreams come tru...

Obi What? That place you don dey enter Abia state be that oh!!

IHate9ja1:
Lol,na p.h i dey too.i still dey job hunt sha
The "Rumu"....i wont ask
Any influential person on this thread who has connections in p.h should pls help me out....i need a good job

Dreams come true you know

Abiagirl777:
Rumuigbo!

No vex oh, Is your real name Abigail? And do you stay there?

I know why i dey ask?

fujirice:
Na Rukpokwu na! U think say I no know?

No.
It is the Rumu that sounds like M'arijuana

IHate9ja1:
Flow na P.H u dey?

Yeah, And don't you ask me the "Rumu" i represent.

stuff46:
Baba i de o, how your side na?

My side dey oh. Only say i never chop since two weeks now

Ndukings92:
Snow don de enter show my people.flow u too gbaski.

Ndukings92 how market? O n'aga kwa?

stuff46:
So good to be reading this work. Its too original, i would have to see when sir white was looking for his trouser.
So hilarious. Baba keep it rolling

stuff46 howdy?

pillzthadrugz:
I just have to compliment your effort BABA FLOW. You're always onpoint like you're sitting on the score board. AH CEE YHU MAH NICCUH!

Thank you, but what score board are you talking of?

i thought i saw Ishilove reading

Bunsky:
More update please.

Getting more interesting.

There you go

“oboy! Oga dey beg us say after him go send the remaining money”

“make una drink!! Flex the money!!”

“we are big boys now!!” We sat at a bar drinking.

Mr Wole had sent the sum of 200,000 naira into James’s account, promising to send the rest later.

“make them bring us more bottles jor!! In fact, barman!! Serve everybody for here one one bottle!” Segun ordered.


“mehn! If this man finally give us the remaining 800,000 naira ehn! We don turn highest big boys na”

The 7 million naira we requested later reduced to 3 million, which later reduced to 1 million, after James gave us reasons why we ought to reduce it; saying it was better we hit and run than being greedy.

Greedy was Segun’s surname, he wanted it all.

“oboy we for collect like 3 million from this man oh, him get the money” He said.

“ehn! We know say him get the money, but that 7 million too much” Mr. Wole pleaded and pleaded before we finnally agreed to take 1million naira.

“ok, what of 3 million?” Segun asked.

“e still too much sef”

“this one million wey him wan give us dey ok” James said.






On our way home.

“Conductor! I pay for everybody for this bus” Segun the good Samaritan.

“thank you sir!!”

“thank you oh”

"God go bless you sir!!"

“oga thank you oh” rained on him.

“No be him pay oh, na all of us pay!!” I needed to say that so that the beautiful girl that sat by my side would be impressed.

“all of us thank you oh!!” One funny man thanked.





Sir White was at the cantonment gate doing what he knew best to do.

“where una dey come from?” he asked.

“we go enjoy ourself”

“haba!! nahim una no call me and Dogo abi?”



“hahahahahahahaha!! Sir white!! Your head no strong for drink na?” Segun teased.





I will never forget the day Sir White joined us drinking and having fun. That day dry gin was served all through, that was when the late Yona celebrated his last birthday before he died.

Since dry gin and vodka were the alcoholic drink served and I needed to stay alive for the ones I loved, I settled for Guinness; I mean Malta Guinness.

Malta Guinness was for a starter, i ended up drinking two bottles of 1759; just two.



I just couldn’t tell if Sir White saw Vodka as Water, and Dry gin as Honey.

If Sir White drank Vodka for each on behalf of every state in Nigeria, then he drank a cup each for the 36 states, and two for FCT.



That was the day I thought Sir would kiss the skies.


Soon, he put of his trousers saying to me; “Flow heat dey oh! Heat dey catch me for my p’rick”

“me too oh!!” I answered.

“remove your own na!!!” He advised.

“I go remove am later”




The party was over and everybody left one after the other.

The last persons to leave were I, Segun and Sir White.

“Sir White wear your trouser make we dey go house!!” Segun said.

Sir White struggled to put on his trouser while we waited for him outside.




The next thing I heard was; “Flow!! Flow!! Flow!!!” Sir White called.

We rushed in to see Sir White sitting on the floor.

“wetin happen na? why you sidon for ground?”


“why you dey shout my name like that?” I asked.

“Flow! Wetin I do you? Wetin I do you?”

“wetin? i no understand” I asked.

“Flow wetin I do you?” He spoke so softly.

“Sir White wetin I do na?” I asked softly too.

“wetin him do you na?” Segun asked also.

“Flow! You be bad person!!”

“how I take be bad person na?” I was becoming impatient.

“I ask you before I remove my trouser say weda make I remove am, you say yes!”

“I no know say you get plan”

“which plan?”

“I no know say you get plan to thief my one leg”

“Flow!!! Where my one leg?”

“Flow where my one leg?” He burst into tears. They say in pidgin “Soldier no dey cry”, but Sir White as gallant a soldier he was, cried like a baby.

“Flow, you must give me my leg oh!!” He held my shirt as I bent to help him get up.

“guy you go tear my shirt oh!!”

“I say where my one leg?”

“no be your one leg you wear so?” I thought “one leg” was the make of the Chinos trousers he wore.


“hahahahahahahahaha!!” Segun suddenly laughed.

“Guy you no get sense oh! Person dey talk say I thief trouser wey him wear, you dey laugh”

“hahahahahahah!” Segun laughed harder.

“guy stop to dey laugh na!”

“you be m’umu!! Infact two of una na m’umu! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

“hahahahaha!! see na, him put him two leg for one trouser leg”

I looked and saw that Sir White’s both legs were squeezed into one trouser leg, and he saw both legs as one; thinking I stole the other.







“The Alert don enter oh!!!” James informed us as we sat drinking the next afternoon.

Drinking was now our hubby, and Segun being the good Samaritan always forted the bills, I just couldn’t tell why.

I could tell why when darkness fell and it was time to share the money that wasn’t physical but in James’s account.





If 3 men shared 1 million naira in the ratio 1:1:1, how much will Segun the tallest get?

How much Segun got became a problem.







“na me dey spend my money all this days, na me dey buy drinks all this days, na me dey pay for transport all the place wey we dey go, na me dey call Oga, na my phone nahim produce the video, una wan com collect the same thing with me!”

“e no go happen!”

“guy write my cheque as 500,000 naira, una two go share 500,000 naira”

“e no fit happen?” I disagreed.


“e no fit happen abi?” Segun drew out a paper that housed something.

“e no fit happen abi?” He brought out a Jack knife.

“no vex na, na joke, we know say you don spend, but 500,000 naira too much na” James liver lilied.

“make him stab me na?” I was a coward.


“obara eeeeh!!” I saw a fountain of blood.

“You cut my hand!!” The right palm I used in hindering him from coming closer was gushing blood.

“Flow!! Make una stop all this thing, na greed dey cause all this thing?”

“Flow! I go give you 300,000, me I go take 200,000!!” That news made me not to send out a technical knockout punch to Segun.








“Hello!! Snow nwanne!! How Port Harcourt? You know say I tell you say them don sack me for the job wey I dey do for here, and I tell you say I wan come try Petakwa make I see weda I go get any oil company job"

“yes na!! you tell me like that na, you say na next week you dey come!” Snow replied at the other end.

“ok, no be next week I dey come, I dey enter bus land Pee Town tomorrow morning!” I had already informed my parents I will be leaving for Port Harcourt the next day, what they never knew was that their son was most wanted by the Police.

“why you change you mind na?”

“guy Kasala don burst for my head!! Police dey find me, as I dey talk to you so, I no fit leave Barracks, some Police guys wey dey on mufty dey outside barracks dey monitor, if I commot for barracks, them don gbab me”

“so I go sneak comot early tomorrow morning enter bus land pee town!!”

“as I dey talk to you so, them don arrest my guy” James was arrested in a Pool house where he went to place a bet. It goes a long way to tell that where your pleasure lies is where your trouble lies also.

“wetin you do na?”

“guy when I come I go explain”

Immediately I hung up calling my cousin Snow, Segun’s call came.


At first, I thought of not picking, thinking he might as well be calling from a Police cell, but I thought otherwise and picked.


“hello!! Sege!! Wetin dey happen?”

“I dey oh!! Yawa dey for our side oh, I dey enter Onitsha tomorrow morning”

“me sef dey enter Port Harcourt early mor mor”

“guy make we meet for Park na, the Young park!!”

“no wahala! Code yourself well oh, them fit dey outside barrack gate dey wait us oh” I advised.

“switch off your phone oh, na phone them take track James oh” Segun warned.

“no wayo!! Good night” I hung up.

pillzthadrugz:
I just have to compliment your effort BABA FLOW. You're always onpoint like you're sitting on the score board. AH CEE YHU MAH NICCUH!

Thank you pillzthadrugz

vickkyruby:
Wow funny and interesting kudos Flow!

Thank you vickkyruby

“Ngoye, why your Maley com tell us say you don travel go Calabar na?”


“na me tell am to tell una like that, I don see una from far as una dey come”

“why you com tell her like that na?”

“because I think say Power wan come collect the balance of the money wey I owe am for the phone”


“so where the phone com dey na?”

“that phone fall inside well yesterday wey my brother wan go fetch water for well”

“you say wetin?”

“I say the phone dey house”

“I think say I hear another thing” I heard a Demon spoke in Ngoye’s voice.

“but the battery don die oh”

“we no need the phone, wetin we need na the memory card”



Ngoye gave us the memory card and we headed straight to burn the video into a CD.



“oboy you see this vodeo, we want make you help us burn am for CD” I told Ushogu as we got to the Mammy market.

“No wahala, una money na 800 naira for one”


Ushogu succeeded in burning it into four CDs after much argument over the price.


“Segun, e be like say the video no clear oh?”

“we go manage am like that jor”



“so wetin we go do now? How we go do this thing na?”



“I know the Church wey him be Assistant pastor, we go go show this video to the Pastor wey dey in charge of that church”

“guy!!”

“Flow! Why you dey say guy?"

“Nothing oh!!”

“abi you dey fear?”

“fear wetin?”

“ok, as you no dey fear, na you go go the church go show the Pastor the video”

“why me na?”

“ok, I dey fear?” I dared not said.

“shebi you say na you be Mr Flow, go there go Flow to the Pastor na?”

At that juncture, wished I bore Dumb and not Flow.





Before I knew it: “Hello sir!! It’s Segun, the first timer of last Sunday”

“sir, I want to see you, it is important”

“ok………….. are you at the church?............................”

“you will be in church in 2 hours time?”


“ok………………… but sir, it is not me that really wants to see you, it’s a friend that needs some counseling”

“ok sir, I will call you back in the next two hours”



“Segun so we go just go show the Pastor the video just like that?”

“no na, we dey jons?”

“I wonder oh!!”

“we go first call oga! Tell am say we hold one video wey go f’uck am up”

“you say wetin?”

“no worry! I dey in control!!”

“How? How you take dey in control?”



“you see this call wey I just make now, this my new phone get one application wey dey record call wey I call”

“if I call oga now, I go call am with any of una phone, I go tell am wetin dey, if him doubt, I go play the recorded call for am”

“guy!! You get sense oh!!” I hailed and tapped his orange shaped head.


“your sense na First class!!” James also hailed.

Before James finished saying that, Segun was already on another call.

“who him dey call?”



“Hello Wole!!”

“why won’t I call you by your name?”

“see today, all your secrets has been brought to light!!” My friend Segun had really improved in Grammar.

“shut up!!” Segun told Mr. Wole Akeju shut up? Was I dreaming?

The same Segun that begged and cried like a baby just because his Boss told him he was fired sometime back.



“what we want is 7 million naira, no more no less, or we are heading straight to your Pastor, and also to the MD of Maestro registrars, you know the implications of showing these videos to both men abi?”


The MD of Maestro registrar is Mr. Wole Akeju's wife elder brother, and he had threatened that Wilo courier would lose every contract it had with Maestro if he heard that Mr Wole Akeju cheated on his wife.

“as I speak, a copy of these videos will be mailed to you, and if you still want us to come pay you a visit in your office, we will be glad to”

“ehen!! Before I forgot, help me tell you sex mate Kel that her Pastor might see this picture and her being a chorister will be doomed if you refuse to pay the sum of 7 million?”







“Oboy!! 7 million too much oh!!!”


“forget that thing jor!! If we wan chop frog, we go chop frog wey get Egg”


My Akeju was indeed a Frog that had a very big Egg in it’s stomach, I prayed when the Egg is laid and hatched, it wouldn’t bring forth a monster. I just prayed.


Two days later.

I was home that morning reminiscing Segun’s phone call of the previous day when my phone rang.

“Boss!!” Was the caller.

“ooooooooh God!! Wetin I do this witch Bose? How this girl number still save for my phone, I think say I don delete am?”


Bose was the Dwarf that found Love in no one else but me.


Wherever and whenever she saw me, she always said an embarrassing;”I love you”

“na your Papa you Love!” I often replied.



On one occasion; “I love you Flow!” she blew a kiss.

“thunder fire you there!!”

“I love you na!!” She drew closer.

“taaaaa!!! Who you dey love, abi you no know your level?”

“if you touch me ehen!!”






“how she got my number, only God knows”

“why I saved her number as Bose, I regretted”

Why i saved it at all, i needed a prophet to tell me.

Ok, I now remember, I saved her number because her elder brother James sometimes used it to call me.







What a great mistake.








I will never forget the day I mistakenly called Bose when I wanted to call my Boss.

The conversation was: “Hello sir, good morning sir”

“sir I want to let you know that I have given the money to your wife”

“I love you” Bose’s baritone voice at the other end.

“ahan!! Sir!! You say what?”

“I say I love you!”

“ok sir, you love your wife? She is here with me”

“no, I say I love you!!” Just then, I realized who I was speaking to and hung up.




“Mr. Peter, why did you hang up the call?” Mrs Akeju asked.

“ok, nothing ma, I called a wrong number!!”

“why is the person telling you about love?”

“I don’t know ma!!”




As angered as I was, as I stepped out of the compound of the Akejus, I picked my phone to call Bose and warn her severely, and delete her number afterwards.

“look!! You dwarf!! Don’t you ever call this number, or else you are dead!!”

“hello!! Peter!! Who are you calling a dwarf” That was when I knew I had really f’ucked not only up, but the skies too.

“sorry sir, it’s a mistake!!”

“see me in my office now!!” The Boss spoke.

Out of anger, I deleted my Boss’s number instead of hers.



I “mumuishly” saved back the Boss’s number with same name as before; “Boss”.



Oh!! what manner of troubles letter "e" and "s" made me saw.







“Bose!! Wetin I do you, you don call me taya yesterday, I no pick, now this early morning, you still dey disturb me” I spoke to the caller.


But the caller replied saying: “Look!! Peter or whatever you call yourself! If I find out you have a hand in this show to blackmail me?”


“I will get you and the b’astards you are working with beaten and locked up for life”

What are the bases for qualification? Make una no vex.

Because i wonder at the unfamiliar names i hear.

Is it a clique thing?

Mayorblaze:
Flow walahi you no well..

That prick and head got my attention...

Thank you Mayorblaze

IHate9ja1:
i need one more update srzly b4 d day runs out....welldone flow lee

There you go

“Power! Why are you just a sellee? I sold something to you, and you have selled it to another person!!”

“what kind of sellee are you?”

“Segun which one be sellee again?” I needed to ask.

“sellee is the person that selled a thing he bought from a seller to another person” Segun murdered dear English.

“Power, how we go take get that phone back?” I asked.

“I no know oh, unless una go go Ngoye house for camp 2”




“Mama good evening, Ngoye dey house?”

“Ngoye don travel go Calabar yesterday?”

"yekpa!"

“him carry him phone go?” James asked a rather s’tupid question.

“yes na!! any problem?”

“no problem mama, we just come to tell am say match dey this evening!”

“him don go Calabar, go stay with him Papa”

“Mama when him go come back na?”

“him no dey come back now oh, him go start school there, him don get admission for Unical”





“Segun abi you see your Life? All your property nahim you go sell?”

Even his body parts.

I will never forget when Chima and Chidi came visiting.






“mehn!! e get one place for Anambra state wey them dey buy one finger 1million naira” Chidi said.

“ehen!! You mean am?” Segun was attentive.

"na when them go give you the money?”

“them go give you immediately after them cut am”

“go come no dey this one?”

“if them no pay you nko?”

“guy them go pay you, you know many guys wey don sell their finger and their ear?”

“ehen! You mean am?”






And guess what?

At present, Segun is in the Anambra State where his elder brother that is an officer is serving.

I pray he has not sold his ten fingers already and his cassava leaf-like ears too.

“Cassava leaf ear” was Segun’s Childhood nickname; abbreviated as CLE, while that of James was “Kokoro head”.


Kokoro head was a nickname he got as a result of the mighty ring worm that sheltered in his skull.




As for me!!!


I had so many childhood nicknames; from head Master, I graduated to Goat s’hit head, from Goat s'hit head, I graduated to High tension, from High tension, I graduated to Obuesi.

And guess what? All nicknames were inclined towards my world famous big head.




Lemme start from Goat s’hit head.

Our football entered Papa Wale Goat house one afternoon while we played, and since I was the defender, I ran into the Goat house to fetch it.

The Football was deep inside the Goat house that as I bent, I had to support my head somewhere because it was heavy on my neck and I was losing balance.


Little did I know what supported my head was a Goat’s “nyash”.

“mmmmmemmemee!! The Goat cried and other Goats joined.

“una no go shut up make I carry ball wey I come to carry?” I spoke to the Goats.



When I came out, I noticed that the Goat had p’ood on my head. My friends made a nickname out of the scene.


Then came High tension.

High tension was as a result of the kind of hair cut I carried to school on Monday morning.



I was in Primary 5, and the principal had warned that we looked neat because the Cantonment Commandant was visiting the school on Monday.


I forgot I was amongst those that were supposed to welcome the Commandant, and the principal had told me to cut my hair over the weekend.





Brother Ik!!




Oh Brother Ik!!!



My mum woke Brother Ik up on Sunday night for him to give me a rush rush hair cut.




Razor blade and comb were readily available to give me the “skinnest” of skin cut.








I knew not what Brother Ik did to me until I got to school the next morning.









“yeeeeeh!! See head oh!!!!!”


“Moon head!!”

“Pot head!”

“Egg head!”

“Bicycle seat head!”

“High tension shine shine!!”

“Mango head!!”

Televission head!!”

“Coconut head!!”

“Bucket head!!”

“GP tank head!”

All for one head.

Amount all, High tension shine shine was accepted suitable; which was later cosidered a mouthful, so it was cut down to just High tension.




The insults and bully were just too much. So................................









I dropped out of school.














Not for long, I dropped out for one week until my hair grew.











As for Obuesi, the nickname started when Bee stunk my head and the size increased.






*Enough of the head talk, lets move on*




“so that phone don go like that?”

“how we go do am na? I want make we wicked that our nonsense oga wey call himself Pastor but him dey chuku chuku Kel”

“If to say I know, I for no sell the phone for Power?”

“na because I broke nahim make me sell am”











“Sege!! Matematical Sege!! Sege!!” I heard someone called.



I turned, and behold it was Ngoye.











I looked round to confirm we weren’t in Calabar as Ngoye ran to us.

ritababe:
am more interested in that part

When we reach there

Bunsky:
Edo state

Hnnnnnnnnnnnn! the last time i was in that state for a visit?



Don't worry, you will read about it here.

viktohmarkz:
jos

No

“wetin I do women for this life?”

“why my life dey like this?”

“I hate women!!”

“Flow why you dey talk like that, abeg forget that job jor, Job wey them dey pay you 40k and you dey spend like 30k for transport, that one na job?” James consoled.


“hahahahahahaha!!” Segun laughed out suddenly.

“why you dey laugh?”

“hahahahahahaha! I dey laugh because of how women fit bring person up, and bring person down”

“shebi na you dey do big boy dey tell me that time wey we come visit you for Maestro say na fork you dey use eat Eba!”

“oya, use fork eat this hot Eba wey dey your front na, hahahahahahaha!”

I was not only in hot Eba, but hot Amala too.







“I dey suspect that girl Kel oh!”

“e fit be her, u know say the girl like you well well, and you no dey send her side, she fit don tell oga make him sack you”






“Flow!! James!! e get one thing wey we go take run down that girl” Segun had stopped laughing.


“wetin be the thing?”




“I no wan been tell anybody before, but as things don dey happen like this, I go tell una”

“tell us, wetin be the thing?”


“you know say I don been tell una say I don catch Oga and Kel when them wan chuku chuku, but them later no chuku chuku?”

“yes!! You don tell us!” James replied.








“one day like that, I return from delivery, naso I see say the first door of our office dey open, naso I open com enter, as I enter, naso I begin hear kiss sound for inside oga office”

“ehen!!”

“my sense com tell me say oga dey browse Kel website inside”

“I think of wetin I go do, I first think say if I enter catch them, that one mean say I don lose my job be that”

“ehen na!!”

“so I com go pip for that window wey connect to Oga office”




“mehn!! e just be like say I dey watch b’lue film, oga p’rick big ehn!!!”



“oga p’rick big ehn!!!” was an understatement, his p’rick when errect was almost the height of his leg.




I will never forget the day he drove I and a female Maestro staff to work, the Maestro staff although ugly, wore a very short skirt that seemed transparent. And of course, she sat in front while i sat at the back.



We got to Maestro Registrar so fast, but I wished my office could come met me in the car just because of the screen I was watching.


As we alighted and Oga was about zooming of, someone rushed to him and said; “Sir, I have the letters you said I should prepare, it is on my desk as we speak, but the MD said he needs to see you physically before he signs it” Paul it was.




“wetin Paul and my Oga dey do, them wan sell this company?”

“I can do that later na?” My Boss replied.

“no oh, I even wanted to call you on phone to come immediately, thank God you are here”


“but why now? Can I come back in the next say two hours?”

“no oh, by then the MD must have gone, he is travelling to UK, and he will not be back till next month”

“unless of course you want to lose the contract”

It was unlike my boss that loved his business more than his own life, i never knew something bulged; something huge. Very huge.



I knew why he refused stepping down from the car, when he finally stepped down.

“Stepped down” I say, because such high jeep needed a strong ladder to climb and a stronger ladder to come down.

“chairman!! chairman!!” Paul hailed as my Oga came out of the car.

“yes my boy!!”

“chairman!! chairman!!” Paul hailed again, this time I was convinced there was a reason for such hailing from a mischief maker like Paul.


What took my eyes to my Oga’s trouser region, I couldn’t tell, what I could tell was that Segun, James and Amos were right afterall.




They had never stopped ringing bells to my ears that “Oga p’rick na Zuma rook!!”

“oga p’rick dey tear trouser!!”

“you fit use Oga p’rick break Coconut”

“oga p’rick this, oga p’rick that”



According to them, the first day they were to resume delivery, Oga lectured them on what it entails to be a good delivery man. The lecture held in present day Kel’s office with a white board and marker. A lady that was suppose to be part of the lecture “rolled it” in and sat in front exposing her Kainji Dam.





Lecture suddenly changed.

“em! em! em! we at Awilo courier services limited must parcel all delivery perfectly” *I miss the music of Awilo Logomba, he would had parceled all the delivery perfectly*.

“em ! em! em! when you get to the house you want to deliver the parcel to, and someone opens the door, first thing to do is to knock the person!!”

“knock the door sir!!” They corrected.

“shut up!!"

"em! em! em! em! em! after knocking the door, shake the person’s head and say: good morning sir!!” He confused himself further.

“hand!! Sir, not head” it was Segun that corrected him.

“ehen!! Hand and head, is it not the same thing?”

It was his p’enis that spoke for him.


His p’enis so much disfigured the fittings of the suit he wore, and according to what Segun told me, the suit trouser became jumped up instantly.





That is why I will never advice an Usher in any church in Nigeria to even by mistake direct any mini skirt wearing member to the front seat. The day it mistakenly happened under my nose, I was almost banned from being an Usher.

“go and tell her to get up from the front seat, take her to the another seat” My head Usher commanded.

“but I already told her na!! she refused!!”

“go and tell her again!!”




“but I don tell this lady three times make she comot for that seat, she no gree”

“go tell head usher na!” Emmanuel suggested.

“I don tell am na”

“go tell am again!”



“sir!! the Lady refuses to leave the seat”

"why are you so in compitent?"


“blessing!!”

“sir!!”

“go tell the Lady to leave, give her reasons” Head usher commanded.




Blessing easily moved the lady to another seat with few words.








At the end of service, I was severely queried by the Pastor.

Next of, I ran downstairs to ask the lady what made her not to leave the seat after i pleaded with her Four times.

“hello!, you are the Pastor’s wife sister I suppose?”

She nodded in response.

“so why did you refuse leaving the seat when I told you to?”

“hahahahaha!!” She giggled.

“why are you laughing, you have not answered my question”


“I refused leaving because you have bad breath”



Were it not to be that she was the Pastor’s wife younger sister, I would have sent my palm on an errand to her chick.

I did send my palm on an errand, but not to her chick, I sent it, pure water and Tom tom sweet on errand to clean my entire mouth, and my tongue too.


The Brukutu I drank the previous night saw my entire mouth smelling like soaked Beans. It also changed the colour of my tongue to greenish brown.












“As I dey watch the b’lue film, naso my mind com tell me say make I video them”

“You video them?” I and James yelled at the same time.

“I video them with my phone well well na, I even zoom the vi…………………”

“………………where the phone?” I and James yelled at the same time again, this time louder.















“na the phone wey I sell for Power!!”

Emmeritus:
na Enugu-my oga update go come today?

E go come