₦airaland Forum

IHate9ja1:
this update made my weekend,a bigger and better you flow....

Thank you. You made my weekend for reading you know

StormAngel:
Wow! Flow1759 u just got yourself another fan........................or so i thought

thanks for this piece.


Pryd u should see this

Welcome on board.

POS or cash?” The attendant at the canteen asked Segun who was at the front of the queue.

“POS!!” Segun answered. Maybe he thought POS was a kind of Chinese Meal.

“Segun go disgrace me today, why i go allow am stay for front of the line? why i no stay for the front?” I told myself.



Maybe he thought POS meant “Pot of Soup”, or “Plate of Suya”.



“guy them wan give me jara for the food wey them serve me oh” Segun announced.


“eheen! You mean am? That mean say me sef want POS” James added.


My friends were in to give me a trailer load of disgrace, I had concluded.




“Flow you no like make them add POS for you?”

The canteen attendant had already laughed out her Fallopian tube.










“don’t worry, I will pay for myself and my friends!” I paid.





“Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are” They say, more disgrace where in the kitties of Segun and James for me that afternoon.









“guy you no go go wash your hand come chop?” Segun said with a loud voice.


“sssssh!! Guy no dey shout!!them no dey make noise here” I whispered to Segun.

“Forget that thing jor!!” He replied.

“Guy no be hand them dey take chop Eba for here!” I said as I saw him about to dip his hand into the big ball of Eba seated on his plate.

“wetin dem dey take chop Eba?” His voice was at its peak; drawing attention to our table.

“ehnnnnn!! Answer me na? wetin them dey take chop Eba?” He was shouting.




“Everybody!!! no be hand them dey take chop Eba?” He stood up.




Yes, bare hands was best to eat Eba, the norm in such air conditioned canteen was eating Eba not with spoon but with fork.



I was never cut out for the Fork style of eating when I started working at Maestro just because my Eba b’alls were unable to mold to the appropriate size per swallow.

Per swallow of my average Eba ball was half the size of the head of a new born baby, or more, for your information.




I will never forget the day I first came. Sola showed me where the food canteen of the company was located, so I walked majestically into the fully air conditioned atmosphere.



I ordered for Fufu as I was really really famished due to the hangover i had.



As I was about pouncing on the Fufu, I told myself why don’t I look before I leaped. I looked left and right, and left again like they always say to pedestrians, what I noticed was that almost everybody eating was putting on suit except me, so I promised myself I would start putting on the Yuda Suit I bought from Emmanuel my church member.



But again, I advised myself to look again. This time I noticed something; that everyone eating Eba, Fufu, Semo, or Amala used their hand; I mean their third hand.



In other for me not to “carry last”, I stood up, went to where forks were kept, took one, and walked back to my seat praying the Fork wouldn’t fail me.


What I ate that afternoon was the world famous Okro soup.




“There is a silver lining in every dark cloud” they say, that afternoon saw my dark blue shirt with so many Okro soup lining.





After that incident, I vowed never to eat Eba or any of it’s numerous colleagues with either Fork or it’s elder brother Spoon.







“make una answer me na? no be Eba them dey take chop hand?” He erred.

“no be so? No be hand them dey take chop Eba” He corrected himself.

“yes!!!” the crowd suddenly cheered.

“ehen!! Why my friend here com dey say make I use Fork?” He pointed at me, I at that moment wished the ground would open up and swallow me.




“abi Eba na Oyibo food?” He was gaining more fans.


“no!! then why una think say Fork nahim good pass, abi na because all of una wear suit nahim make una wan dey do like Oyibo, abi?”



“All of una dey suffering and smiling” I wished I refused Segun and James’s plead to pay me a visit in my office, and I also wished I never offered to satisfy their ravenous appetite that afternoon.






Amongst others, the dignitaries present in the canteen that afternoon was in no particular other; Mr Dele the head of the mailing department, Mr Jimoh his assistant, Mrs Ejimmadu the fattest woman I had ever seen since Iya Akpati the woman that sold groundnut oil in the Barracks, Mr Abraham the assistant head of Accounting department who was of the habit of holding our cheques till Mondays, Mrs Yewande the woman with the biggest b’oobs I had ever seen since Cosy Ojiako, Bimbo the dark and beautiful company receptionist, and Sola her errand boy.

In 1994 something happened.



I was in Primary two. Not knowing my left from my right. And my up from my down also.

I was the best footballer in primary two, and primary three also.


The Head master had warned that pupil should stop playing football with their school uniform on, so whenever we played, we took of our uniform and wore just our inner short and singlet. Sometimes i wished the girls played football also and the law was also applicable to them too. If wishes were Garri.



I will never forget being the highest goal scorer and losing my school uniform all thanks to the ever careless Uyeme i told to keep a watchful eyes on it. I scored four goals on foot, and two with my hand, little did i know that my school uniform and sandal went with the goals.




That day I went back home wearing just my inner short and a very dirty singlet. On getting home, as a laurel for such an achievement, I received 12 strokes of the Cain form my dexterous flogger Mum.

If that was all, that day wouldn’t have been a memorable day in my life. My mum removed the short I had on and dragged me back to school n’aked.

All my friends laughed at me so hard; including my childhood crush Damola. Well, as a child, we all took our bath outside, so I had seen Damola’s n’akedness severally.







What happened in 1994 happened in 2014, with Tolu taking the place of my Mum.



She flogged me more strokes than my Mum; concentrating mainly on my “P- man” region.


The flogging started from her room and ended in a Pit. At first I thought I was flogged by an Angel, as Tolu’s skin was pure white with some silver lining.






“Wetin I do you na!” I asked the Angel.

“you no know wetin you do abi?” The Angel spoke pidgin.

“I no know, tell me!!”

“ok, you dey sleep with my sisters and my mother”

“who are your sisters, and who is your mum?” Because to the best of my knowledge, an Angel has no Mother, father, sister or brother.


“Hahahahahahahahaha!” A scary laughter indeed.

“why you dey laugh?”

“I am laughing because where I am taking you to, you might not come out alive”

“where are you taking me to?”


“to a pit full of snakes, hahahahahahah!!”

“why? What did I do wrong?”

“because you are sleeping with my Maami and my sisters?”

“who are your Maami and your sisters you are talking of, do I know them?”

“yes you do!”


“then, tell me, who are they?”

“Ife, Funmi and my Maami!”

“your Maami? I no dey sleep with your mama na!!”


“I agree I am sleeping with Ife but I am not sleeping with Funmi any longer”

“…. And your mum, I never did, she is old enough to be my mother for God’s sake!!!”


“when we get to the pit of snakes, you can explain to the snakes, hahahahahahahahahaha!”



She dragged me so forcefully that my strength failed me to resist.





“oya sorry na, I no go do am again, abeg!!” I pleaded.

“hahahahahahahahaha!!!!”








Soon I stood looking at the very deep pity full of mighty snakes of different colours.

I tried running but i found my legs heavy.



“pls na!! pls!!” I pleaded kneeling, that was when I saw clearly that Tolu was the Angel. Indeed she looked Angelic with pure white robe.





“hahahahahahahahaha! This is your day of doom!!” She pushed me into the Pit.



“yeaaah!!! Snakes!!!!!” I cried.






But before I got to the bottom of the pit, a help came; what looked more like the branch of a Tree.


I held on to the branch still screaming “Snakes!!!!!”










And…………………………..











I woke up.






I woke up holding on to something that acted as the branch.


“where the Snakes?” I heard someone asked.

“Snakes!!!” I kept screaming holding on to the Branch.






“Flow why you dey hold my p’rick na?” Chidi said what put On by brain electrical supply.

“leave my p’rick!” I still held the branch firmly.

“Snakes!!!” I still kept screaming as I managed to open my eyes.

“where the Snake?” I saw Chima held a stick.

“Snake!! Where e dey?” I jumped out of bed thinking there was a Snake where i slept.

“where the Snake na?” I asked.




“Mumu!! no be you dey hold Chidi prick com dey shout; Snakes!!!”

“me!! I shout Snake!? No be me oh, I no shout anything oh!” I denied.


“na you jor!! You wan drag Chidi p’rick comot”

“why I go do that kin thing?”

“shey I no get human sympathy?”






“guy you sabi lie oh!! Something wey you do now now, you dey deny am” I saw Chidinma laughed out her Fallopian tube.





“Flow!! You don wound me for p’rick” Chidi said.





“so na my p’rick you dey call Snake abi?”

Flow you fit die for Nigeria” Was the good morning Chidi greeted as stomach upset woke me up on a Sunday morning.







“why not, I fit die for Nigeria na”



“what of you?” I needed to know his answer to ascertain if i answered when my brain was awake and not asleep.


“you fit die for your girlfriend?” He answered a question with a question.


“my girlfriend?”

“yes!! You fit die for her?” He asked.

“guy I no fit oh, if I die for her she go go marry another guy”



“what of if armed robber enter the room wey you and your girlfriend dey sleep, com say - your girlfriend’s life or your life? wetin you go answer?”


“oboy eyeeeh!! I go tell am say make him shot my girlfriend leave me oh!!!”


“hahahahaha!! why you wicked!!”



“I no wicked, just be say I no fit die for any girl, they are not worth it, I know say if I don tell the armed robber finish, when him go, naso my girlfriend go leave me go, so instead of me to lose my girlfriend because of one nonsense armed robber wey bullet no even dey him gun, I go tell the armed robber say since na one bullet wey him go take shot anybody wey I want make him die – me or my girlfriend-, make him share the bullet into two; shot me half, and shot my girlfriend half” That is Wisdom. Or so I thought.


“hahahahahaha! That one funny sha”


“e funny, but naso I go do am oh!!!”



I will never forget Kel asking me the same question back in school.


“can you die for me?” She asked after we had s'ex.

“eeeeeeeeeehnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!! You say what!!” I pretended I never had what she said initially.


“can you die for me?” She said it loud enough.



“no oh!!................................!! I mean Yes”

“what do you mean by... No oh………. I mean Yes?”

“I mean No and Yes”

“how?”


“No, only if you can do the same for me”

“and Yes, because Romeo died for Juliet, so, since I love you more than Romeo loved Juliet, I can die for you” She let out a bright smile that saw me drinking two bottles of Guinness 1759 and Suya footed by her purse. In addition, I had s'ex for free for the first time since I met her.


I always paid cash after having s'ex with Kel; that I never liked.

The price ranges from 2,500 naira to 6,000 naira, VAT inclusive.


I remember paying 6,000 naira for s'ex I never enjoyed because the roof of my room was leaking and it was raining heavily. We had sex in a Mattress that suddenly turned “water bed” due to the leakage. Well, I was not really vexed because the 6,000 naira was 70% hers; I stole it from her purse. By and large, one thing I liked about Kel was the fact that she never demanded money from me any other time except when we finished having s'ex, so I limited the number of times we did.





“guy if one day you dey waka for bush, you com see arm robber trowey Ghana-must-go bag for bush because them dey rum from police......”

“after Police don pursue dem go, you come go look inside the bag, you come see say na money full the bag, wetin you go do?” Chidi asked.



I thought I had watched the movie before; that feature Kanayo O Kanayo as the guy that saw the bag of money, Jim Iyke and Ernest Asuzu as the armed robbers, RMD and Bod Manuel as the Police Officers chasing the Armed robbers, while Rita Dominic was the girlfriend of Jim Ikye. I watched the movie in my dream not reality.


And Yes, I sometimes watch movies in my dreams.

I will never forget acting in the same movie as Nonso Diobi. He stole my girlfriend from me with so little a thing as Ten naira Groundnut.

I and my girlfriend had a fun filled walk going to buy Groundnut opposite my street, as we stood at the groundnut stand, all of sudden Nonso parked his rickety looking Mecedes 190 car, and before I counted 1-10, he had offered to buy my girlfriend groundnut for 10naira.

He bought her the groundnut and before I counted 1-5 she was in Nonso’s car, waving me.



I woke up with so many thoughts running through my mind.

“If na movie be that, why I no see director and crew members?”

“why Nonso go thief my babe from me? And him no see better thing to use thief my babe, na groundnut 10 naira, why?”

“but why Nollywood guys wicked? And them get their own fine-fine babes oh”

“that my babe no really Love me jor!” I concluded.



Guess who my girlfriend in that dream was?







Genevieve Nnaji!!











Since that day, I hated Nonso Diobi with a passion, but yet i still love Genevieve.









“Why you just dey ask me all this question this early morning, abi you pick Ghana-must-go of money for your dream?”

“hahahahaha!! No na!! just answer my question first”

“Yes na, I go go carry the money na!! but I go look well well, make e be say Police no dey come”



I will never forget Ukeme the Akwa Ibom guy that saw a Ghana-must-go sack in the bush where he went to poo.


According to him, on unzipping the sack, poo instantly gushed out of his a’nus and baptized his trouser that was half way down his legs. He said the shock almost made him pass out; as he saw the money, his shaking was more than that of a Jelly fish.

He thought of where best to hide the sack of money, so he dug a hole and hide it.

He went home shaking and smelling poo.


On getting home, his mother asked him why he was shaking, and as s’tupid as Ukeme was, he answered to the hearing of Mama Bisi the Grammy award winning “Amebo” that he found a sack full of money in the bush.




Mama Bisi reported to the Military Police Duty room, and Ukeme was arrested that same day with allegations that he was part of the robbery squad that robbed M’allan Sambo the Largest distributor and marketer of Grains in the cantonment.



After beaten blue, black, and even green in the guard room, Ukeme was released after two weeks when the real culprits were arrested and they attested to the fact that he was not part of them. He left the Guard room shaking not like a Jelly fish this time; the shaking had increased to the level of someone suffering from chronic Parkinson disease.


The shaking continued for the next three days that saw us his friends christening him “shaky shaky daddy!!” that was during the era of the “shaky shaky daddy” painkiller advert on TV.






“hahahhahaha!!” Chidi's laughter was loud enough to wake not only his Brother and Chidinma, but the whole estate.


“Why you go look well well weda Police dey came?” he asked.




“Because Police na Ghost” Like my friend Segun always said.

I had vowed never to go buy food for Mr. Dele come what may.





“Peter, Mr. Dele dey call you” Sola the errand boy said.


At 32, he was indeed an errand boy to all and sundry in the company. He could go as far as from Nigeria to Burkina Faso just to buy a plate of food for anyone that cared to send him on such errand.


I will never forget him buying Beans, plantain, Bread, Biscuit, to mention but a few for the Receptionist that was just 23; a girl he was about a decade older than.





“wetin him dey call you for?” my brain mis-interpreted.

“no be me him dey call, na you him dey call?” He replied.


“why him dey call me? I no fit go buy food for anybody oh!” I grumbled.




“Flow!! Tell this man say you no go dey go buy food for am again, e no make sense na, you be graduate, him be graduate, why him go dey send you? ok, him no see another thing send you make you go buy, na food” I advised myself as I walked to his office.

“Sir, I will not be buying food for you again!”

“Sir, I have stopped from today to go buy you food”

“I will not be the one to be buying food in the canteen, send me something else, i can polish your shoe, thats ok, not buying food”

“Sir, pls stop sending me food” I rehearsed what my first statement would sound like.













“who is sending you food?” A female voice was what I heard.


I turned and saw it was the World famous Ugly lady Bukky. Well, at least ugly to my standard, and when I finish describing her I know for sure that it would also be to your standard too.


Tall and skinny, parting frame looked more like Black board, FrontPage looked more like MTN SIM card, Face was flooded with mighty pimples, as dark as my Pero shoe when polished by my A’boki shoe mender Yaro.





Yaro!! I will never forget the day our part crossed. Then I was in SS3 and the Commandant of my school had made a declaration that all student seating for WASCE must wear brown sandals, or they would’nt be allowed to go into the exam hall; this law was due to the fact that he had noticed that some SS3 students had started wearing different type of shoes like Boys wearing Timberland, and some Girls wearing high hills while others wore high mountains.



I told Yaro to help mend the Desert warrior sandal I was managing.


Yaro did a b’astard work on the sandals that it suddenly turned two left legs.

“Yaro wetin you sew na?”

“I sew am por pine well well” He smiled revealing his broken and rotten teeth.


“guy, which kin shoe you sew so, you don spoil my shoe na?” I tried it on, but it was like the size had reduced as my feet were far from fitting in.



“guy you must buy another shoe for me oh!” My anger grew and I held his shirt, not minding the smell emanating thereof.





“Make I leave am por my shirt” He warned.

“I no go leave your shirt until you buy another shoe for me” My anger grew stronger.

“lepe am por my shirt!!”

“I no go leave am!!” I held it like i wanted to tear it of.

“I dey mad?” He asked the obvious, as only a mad man could mend a sandal that way.

“you dey mad na, you no know before? Infact, ki bari shi ubanki” I cursed a curse that almost took my life.



Yaro suddenly dipped his hand into his bag. I thought he was about bringing out a brand new sandal and hand it over to me. What he brought out shocked me.



A dagger!! A dagger that was as curved as Onye Nku’s p’enis.







I will never forget the day I berged in on Onye nku while he took his bath.


“oboy eeeeeh!! Wetin you carry?” I asked.

“na national stadium” he answered.



“Choi!!!! no be small national stadium, why your thing bend like this na?” I asked.

“omoh!! Na the nature of my job oh, you know say I be carpenter?”

“ehen!! Wetin com concern say you be carpenter with your p’rick wey bend?”

“you no know say as I dey knack nail wey e dey bend, naso my p’rick go dey bend sef” I laughed myself out of the bathroom.





I ran faster than electricity that afternoon yet Yaro still caught up with me and almost beheaded me save his friends that pleaded on my behalf.




Since that day i and Yaro became best of friends so much so that as i type this, i still owe his 230 Naira for my shoe sole he changed.





“who is sending you food, Mr errend boy?” Most workers had noticed that I was Mr Dele’s errand boy.


“nobody, I am sending myself food”

“that is impossible na, how can you send yourself on errand to buy food?” she replied.



“that one concern you”








For Wilo courier services to continue receiving jobs to be delivered depended on Mr Dele's continuous approval, yet it was the same Mr. Dele that I had concluded to tell I seized to be his "food errand boy" anymore.









"be nice to everyone, especially Mr. Dele!!" That was a piece of advice from my Boss to me the day i was to resume at Maestro Registrars.

abi oh

Peter, Mr Dele is calling you” Sola told me.

“what is he calling me for?” I asked.

“I don’t know, when you reach there you go know” Reminded me of Man wey dey reason ***the last time we talked on phone, he told me he so much hate the course he is studying in school; that it is so so difficult, and i consoled him with the popular ibo lullaby - Akukwo n'tuuto, o na r'ahu n'mmuta.................. i told him Mechanical engineering wasn't Rice and Beans or Kponkpology***.





“Peter!! Help me buy food in the canteen?” I got vexed instanta.

“What food sir?” I purchased a fake smile.

“you will buy me Rice Hundred naira, Beans Fifty naira, and plantain Fifty naira” It was the same man that earned 350,000 naira per month that said that.



Mr Dele earned 350,000 naira per month and yet he lived a life of a 50,000 naira salary earner.


“make sure you wash the food flask oh, it is dirty” That was the part I hated.


I walked majestically to the canteen, wishing I wouldn’t meet Bimbo there.


Bimbo had vowed to ruin my stay in Maestro Registrar, Rather, to ruin my canteen life I mean to say.




I went to eat in the staff canteen one afternoon, as I was about settling to eat the Egusi soup that looked delicious, i saw the beautiful Bimbo and my tie fell on the soup without my knowing.


I was staring at her like I had not seen such a beauty in my entire life. And of a truth, I have not seen such a beauty since Agbani Darego. And indeed she looked like Agbani.

"the Blacker the Berry, the sweeter the juice, the darker the flesh the deeper the roots" Said Lesane Paris Crooks a.k.a Tupac Amaru Shakur, so was Bimbo



Whenever the Spotless, Tall, Straight legged, sweet lips, Dark and lovely Bimbo walked into the staff canteen, guys stopped eating to stare.


I will never forget leaving my change with the attendant just because Bimbo stood behind me in the queue.

“what do I offer you” The ugly female attendant asked.

“salad!!” I answered.

“just salad?” She asked.

“Yes! am not that hungry, and it’s been a while I ate salad last” Indeed it’s been a while I ate salad last, but salad wasn’t what hungered me that day, FuFu and Vegetable soup was.



“salad of how much?” She asked.


“I think about 400naira salad would do, since I left Germany I don’t think I had seen a salad prepared perfect enough to match German standard, except this” Sharp guy Flow lying.


“you need more salad cream in it?” She asked.

“yes, I love salad cream a lot, put as much as possible” I thought I was impressing Bimbo.


“your money is 700 naira sir” She handed over my plate of salad to me.

“five hundred what?” I asked.

“I didn’t say 500 naira, I said 700 naira” She corrected.

“ok! I have heard you, i thought you said Five hundred thousand naira, even so, i would had still paid, take you money” i thought i sounded funny, all just to get Bimbo to smile.


I gave her 1000 naira note, and as she brought out my change, I said: “keep the change”




I ate grass like I was a Goat, smiling while eating like indeed I was eating German salad.






That wasn’t what spoiled my day. What spoiled my day was the fact that the money I gave the ugly attendant was short of my transport fare; I had 500 naira left with me when my transport fare was suppose to be 600 naira. So I planned to Molue my way home; or at least to some point.





In the Molue, I stood, in other to pay half the price of those that sat.



“ehnnnnnn!!! Who don mess here!!” I had thrown 20 bombs.

“ehnnnnnnn!! e no go better for that person wey mess this mess”

“thunder fire that person!!”

“that person no go see tomorrow!!”

Were the curses that rained. All I took with a pinch of salt, and sent back to their senders.




The day I saw my tie as a Kpomo in my soup was the day i cried 40% more than the day I ate salad.

That day, the pure White shirt I wore changed designers; Palm oil designers (POD).


That was the day I stayed till dark before going home, in other for people not to think my mum sold palm oil, and I hawked it corporately.



The food flask Mr Dele gave to me was very dirty, so I headed straight to the canteen’s kitchen to wash.



I dipped the plate into the washing basin without thinking. Next, I took a sponge, and started washing dexterously, without thinking also.



After washing, I walked straight into the canteen still wishing the heart breaker Bimbo wasn’t there.


She was, I was shocked. I took slow steps in other for me not to the person behind her; in other for someone else to take that position while I stood behind that person.


No one appeared, so in other for me not to “fall my hand”, I summoned courage and stood behind her.



“person wey get this thing dey enjoy oh!” I said to myself as I admired her parting frame.

“you sure say na human being dey date this one?” I thought it might be a Alien that should be dating her, as it would take any man fresh and blood ages to get such a Lady. At that moment I wished she was in the same department as me; she wasn’t even in the same building not to talk of department.

“if I go fit touch this n’yash with my hand, I no go wash this hand for Four days” I wished, stretching out my hand a bit.


I turned back towards the door to see Sola my colleague stepped in with my hand still hanging like I wanted to f’ondle her a’sss, little did I know she had also turned back, and she saw my hand hanging.





“What!! what is in your hand”



I had already positioned my jaw for a slap.







“what stained your shirt!!” She pointed at my sleeve.







The sleeve of my shirt had been baptized with palm oil.

Mayorblaze:
nobody does it like flow...

I respect him alot

Thanks alot

“guy where you dey go?” I turned and saw it was James.


“I dey go s’hit for bush” I answered with a hand shake. A handshake with a hand soiled with poo.


My both hands smelt not like an A’boki perfume but like poo. I had mistakenly used my hand on my butt, since the leaves I used were so handful that they fell of leaving just my hand to do the cleaning. Don’t you have tissue paper in your house? You would ask. Since my Mum was the head teacher of a primary school, we had millions of tissue papers in our toilet, but I detested using them. Why? You would also ask.

The answer is simple and short; My a’ss still smelt regardless. Water cleans better, at least, our fore fathers can attest to that.





I will never forget, cleaning my a’ss hole with water and Tetmosol soap after pooing. Throughout that day, I took the World Wide Waka(WWW) as my choice walking step.


When one is World wide wakaing, he/she is walking like he/she has elephantiasis of the s’crotum. Of a truth, I have never seen any lady world wide wakaing since Kel.




I had s’ex with Kel one hot afternoon that she begged for me to free her, that she wasn’t herself anymore. My "magic stick" gave her bow-legs garnished with K-legs. And it was the same Kel that told her friends that I was an “Okuko”; and that I released without even inserting not to talk of reaching my peak. It was the same Kel that told her friends my “thing” was as small as her finger. Yet it was the same Kel that told her friends my "round one" was 20 seconds, my round two was 5 seconds, and my round three was half a second.


Okuko means Fowl. Or better still, Roster.









I was rushing home to go wash my hands, but the running stomach refused me, so I turned back to go continue from where I stopped, before I met James.


“this one wey you dey sweat like this, you go jog?” I asked him.

“no oh, I go clear farm for my mama”

He, rather than wiping of the sweat on his face with his shirt or something, he wiped it with the hand I shook.

I was like: “this one don clean him face with s’hit”



“guy na you even sweat pass me sef” He said.

Me too wiped the sweat on my face with my hand, and ate poo also. No, mine wasn’t that I ate, I licked poo, because my tongue was out searching for what only God knows.





“guy my belle don dey disturb me, make I run enter bush”

“hahahahahah!! Oboy wetin you chop wey dey disturb your belle?”

“na beans oh!!!” The poo had already found its way out.

“hahahahahaha!!! who cook beans give you?”

“na them my friends oh!!!”




I had just returned from Iba estate where I went to see the Ejima’s and co. who served me Beans and improperly fermented palm wine.



The Beans was delicious I must say; it had in it, Fish, Tomatoes, Plantain, and maybe Sugar because it was too sweet, or so I thought. In fact, it was the most delicious beans I had ever eaten since Bitter leaf beans.








My friend Nnamdi was studying Nutrition and dietetics in school; he loved his Course of study so much that he tried so many culinary practical on no other than his hostel mates, of which Flow was amongst.



Nnamdi cooked not by 8pm, not by 9pm, not by 10pm, his cooking ranges from 11pm to 1am, and sometimes he might end cooking by 3am.


I will never forget the day I woke up my about 12:35am to go ease myself in our general toilet. As I walked pass the very dark passage without any form of light in hand, my mind escaped the fact that there was a guy known as Night Cooker (NC), and sometimes I added “E” to the acronym to make it (NCE): Night Cooker Extraordinaire.




As I walked hurriedly in the dark passage, I felt a little drop of pee was about coming out so I increased my steps. As I got to Nnamdi’s passage where his mini kitchen and utensils shelve were located, I heard: “stop!! Where are you hurrying to?” I first thought it was either the voice of a Ghost or an Angel, but as I heard: “Flow!! Where you dey run go?” I thought otherwise as a Ghost or an Angel can never speak pidgin English, and a Ghost or an Angel can never call me by my nickname Flow, so I concluded it should be a Demon.


“get behind me you Demon!!” I almost yelled.

“hahahahahahahah!!” he laughed, and I confirmed my fright that such was the laughter of a Demon.

It was like I was sleep walking, but as I had the sound of my thundering fart, I confirmed I wasn’t.

“who are you?” I asked.

“I am your friend!!” He answered.

“Demon!! You can never be my friend!!”

“hahahahahahahahahah” He laughed.

“what is funny? Why are you laughing”


He continued laughing and before i made a choice of either to run back to my room or run into the toilet and lock myself there, I heard; “Kpooooooooooooom!!!!”





I was blind.

And baptized also.

“yeeaaaaaaaaaa!!! I do die oh, make una help me ooooooooooooh!!!!” I cried with a loud voice.


I woke not only the tenants of my Hostel alone, but the tenants of two neighbouring hostels due to the fear that the Men on Black where around again.





What Nnamdi landed on my head was his big pot that contained little water.











The day Nnamdi served us Beans garnished with Bitter leaf, we all slept like he mixed the Bitter leaf with M’arijuana. My opposite Neighbour Stephen slept under the staircase; and that was the day the Men on Black visited.



They used Stephen as a decoy to robbing every room in the Hostel. The Bitter leaf so much affected his brain that he brought them to my room twice.


“Oga robber!! You don rob this room before oh” I cried out as he brought one of them to my room for the second time.

“yes oh, Mr arm Robber, you don rob us, na our place you thief Black berry and that Nokia touch” My room mate supported.

“you were here sir” I knew not what I spoke.

“me!! I were here?” He asked.

“yes na!! you were here, na you na!!” My room mate was looking at an armed robber with a gun eyeball to eyeball.






The gun the armed robber held was nothing but a Toy gun, if not, he would had shut my room mate dead.









Since that day in July, my roommate started using glasses up until late November due to the countless number of slaps he received from that particular armed robber.

seuncyber:
I will surely wait

You be boss

Berger has no chose

Thank you!!! I am working on it.

seuncyber:
Flow update now


So you can reply people but you can't update

ok.

seuncyber:
Flow update now


So you can reply people but you can't update

Mr seuncyber i will, i am busy. Remember it is always worth the wait.

Slimzjoe:
So I Finally Meet Up wit Dhiz story!! Chai!!

Flow1759 Ur Church I.T centre na Dada street wey dey Papa Ajao, Mushin, Lagos ??

Wrong

“omoh, this shirt big for me well well” I told myself as I walked pass the Cantonment gate by 6:30am on Monday.


I thought of trekking all the way to Iganmu the night before, so I thought it right to do what my friend Segun call “Bambi alla”. I bambi allized myself the night before begging my cousin, my mum, and My brother that returned for holiday just that night.

I got the amount I requested for, less of 100 naira.


“Flow, this one wey you dress like this, where you dey go?” Sir White on duty asked.

“I dey go government house, Governor say him wan see me”

“na your type dey go Government house?”

“yes na?”








Soon I boarded a Coaster bus headed to Mile 2.


“Madam shift na?” I was practically hanging on the air.

“madam shift for am na?” said a conductor that looked modest to me, at least unlike other conductors I had seen.

“where you see space wey I go shift go?” The obviously Yoruba Woman said.

“Madam abeg shift for am jor!!” One passenger said.

“e concern you? You no go mind your business?”

“Madam no be your Palour be this na” Another Passenger added.

“Madam you no go shift abi?” I was beginning to regret why I boarded Coaster and not the normal small bus.







Small bus, big bus or very big bus a.k.a Molue, trouble will still find you as far as Lagos was concerned.




I will never forget the day Trouble found me in a small bus.



I was to alight at Mile 2 bus stop, that wasn’t a problem, the problem was for the Bus driver to stop properly for me and other passengers to alight.



“oya oh!! Gbogbo ero!! Na Mile 2 be this oh!! Make una come down!!” the Driver ordered.


I was the closest to the door, that wasn’t a problem also.


“oga!! Come down na!!” the man behind me said.

“wait na, make driver stop well na”

“I no go stop oh, Agbero dey come, make una dey jump down oh!” Driver yelled.

“oboy jump down na, motor no dey speed!!” A guy that was really in a haste to go down said.

“you go down now!! You no see say Bus still dey move?” I beckoned.

“I no go stop kpata kapata oh!!” The driver kept saying.

“wait make I go down jor” I gave way for him.


Before I knew it the guy was down, I noticed he came down as skillfully as a conductor would; taking a three step run forward to gain balance.


***none Lagosians can’t understand this, but if you are a Lagosian and you still don’t understand, then permit me to say; “you be Mumu for Lagos”***



“you!! Go down na!!” A woman behind me yelled. At that moment I had forgotten the Conductor was with my balance and that he was nowhere to be found.


“abeg shift make I come down if you no wan come down” The woman said.



For a woman to do what I was a bit scared of doing for the sake of the effect of my action on the sole of a just acquired shoe was indeed a shameful thing, so I decided I would go before the woman.



I jumped down and took the legendary three steps run. And……………..










As I took more three steps walking, I noticed that my right foot was limping a bit, but I ignored it, and kept moving looking for the conductor like every other passenger he held balance.





We painstakingly located the conductor and i collected my change that was short of 20naira.


“oboy see your sole for back oh!!” A guy behind me said.


I almost laughed at such a person that was walking faster than his/her sole.


“oboy! Na you I dey talk, your sole dey for back” He tapped me.






That I had lost my sole wasn’t only what made me almost cried. As I turned to go pick it up, I saw that a bus had parked on it, with its Tyre disfiguring it. My sole had suddenly turned Amoeba. Out of shame, I turned and continued walking like nothing happened.


“you go leave your sole go?” The same sabi-sabi guy said.

“you be sabi-sabi oh! I no wan pick am na, I dash you”

“I no need your Kole- Kole sole abeg”




***A Kole-Kole is a Scavenger ***

“na your papa be Kole-Kole!!” I regreted that curse.


To cut the long story short, I lost my sole and five buttons of the expensive TM shirt I wore. If that was the only pains my TM shirt suffered, It would had been revived by my Tailor Soro. The TM shirt also drank few drops of blood.








“oboy no mind the madam, come sidon here” The conductor offered me a seat close to where he stood.







I alighted the bus happy that the conductor forgot to collect transport fare from me, little did I know that I had lost another shirt. A shirt I borrowed.

Spongia1:
Oga flow, i don dy follow u frm the days of barack boy, man wey dey reason and ibo boy wey like yoruba. How dem brainbox,ilorin, pkc, mog, ilya du neked wire, L101, madam ify, angom and the rest. Greet them for me oh. STILL I FOLLOW

Pkc is in Owerri working for God, Man is in Okopoly Studying Mechanical Engineering, Ilorin is in Ilorin teaching in a secondary school, Angom is in Benue state selling Yam as a dealer.

IHate9ja1:
......i laugh sotey,pple are giving d look of 'are you sure you are alright'
Flow is born to put smile on pples faces and take away their sorrow

I wish i had money,i wld sign a collabo contract with flow to produce this series as a tv show.am still looking forward to it though.

I look forward to myself

I was to resume work at Maestro Registrars on Monday, and I was very drunk on Sunday Night. I was to resume work on Monday morning, and I had lost my wallet on Sunday night. I was to resume work on Monday morning and all my clothes were dirty; and smelt like skunk also.



“oboy borrow me shirt wey I go take go work tomorrow, when I come next time, I go bring your shirt” I told Chima.

“guy you sure say my clothe go size you?” he asked.

“e go enter me na, you no see say I don dey fat?” I said that with an Alcoholic voice; and brain too.


“Flow this one wey you don lost your wallet, how you go take go work tomorrow na?” Onye Nku asked.

“I go trek na” I responded.

“what!! You go trek from barracks reach Iganmu? Abi no be Iganmu the company dey?” Chidi asked.

“na Iganmu na, I fit trek am na, na small thing”

If trekking was sin, i could be called John "sinner". If trekking was crime, i would be a popular face on "crime fighter" weekly. I sometime wished i was alive in the days of Moses in the Bible, i would had been his Minister of Trekking.


“you go just die, you no fit jor!!” Godwin said.

“die for wetin? You know the kin far place wey I don trek reach before?”




I remember trekking from Cele bus stop to Mile 2, and from Mile 2 to Barracks since our Office was locked because Kel had closed for the day.

My way from Cele Bus stop to mile 2 almost saw me fainting, as inasmuch as I applied “the three trekking” Laws as postulated by Chima and Chidi, I still felt like the Sun was directly opposite my head, and that i also walked bare foot.



The three trekking laws states thus:

Law 1: When Mr Flow and Mr Flow1759 are trekking on a long journey of say two miles for instance, the conversation between the both of them should follow such:

Flow: “Guy, Eze go dey for him shop abi?”

Flow1759: “him go dey na, I don call am, him say him dey wait for us for shop”

Flow: “shebi na him shop be that? We don near na”, Saying this with so loud a voice in other for the occupants of vehicles in the usual Lagos traffic to think since Eze’s shop was a stone throw away, what Mr Flow and Mr Flow1759 was doing wasn’t a trek but a little walk.


I took time to explain the laws to a friend I met on my way trekking by the name Kola who stayed in Ijesha, we both applied the law that lasted till Kola left me at Ijesha bus stop. It really worked, I must say, as Kola’s loud voice made the occupants of the vehicles in Traffic to believe we were only but taking a little “crow fly” walk to the shop of an imaginary guy named Ade. Or so i thought.



Law 2: When just Mr Flow is trekking, He should never ever bring out his tongue to wet his lips; even if the season was Hamatan. Whoever failed this law has shown to passers by or commuters that he/she is hungry.

Talking of a “she” trekking, Ladies trek too you know.

I will never forget seeing three ladies trekking from Alakija via old Ojo road, and as I got to Barracks bus stop, I saw the same three ladies still trekking and gossiping, maybe they where either heading to Iyana Iba or Benin Republic. Or maybe they were ghosts.









Law 3: Never you buy "pure water" on your way trekking, never!!! Even it be pure water for drinking, for washing your face, or for washing your shoes.


And, lemme add to the Laws as postulated by the Ejimas, never you look at your shoes for once while trekking, if you do, it will break you heart. Just take it that you are a dust seller.





“oga trekker, you no go comot for road?” a bus conductor yelled.

“mumu!! I no dey trek, I just dey exercise myself”

“shey you no know where national stadium dey wey you go go do exercise?” The butt faced conductor said, and all the passengers laughed hard.







I had trekked to Abule Ado bus stop wishing Home would come meet me there, when I heard: “Peter!!! Why are you trekking, come lemme lap you” I was sure it was a feminine voice.

seuncyber:
Floe what is the problem? Update is very slow

Keep the good work going


God will surely bless you

I will do my best

Mayorblaze:
Kia..

Flow no go kill person with laugh ooo...

More grease to ur elbow

Thank you

update don show

“you know we now have a different Registrar company that is supplying us parcels and letters to deliver?”

“yes sir, I know, Maestro Registrars”

“and you also know Sola has an office there representing us”

“I know sir, Is Sola dead yet?”



There is no gainsaying that Sola was a moving corpse. He looked so skinny that his skeletal structure was clearly visible. He had been working for Wilo courier/ Wilo Security Company for almost a decade, so he said.



I will never forget the day he passed out on top of a cup Garri in his office; that was when he was still working as the chief supervisor of Wilo Security Company. I and James were sent to go give him the salaries of all the Security Officers as it was end of the month.


We got there and met Sola munching Cassava flakes without Sugar.




Saying Sola had a national award of Member of the Order of Garri (MOG) is an understatement, he was the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces; with Forces: Garri Force, Groundnut Force and Garlic Force(GGG) as the three armed Forces.




I wonder why someone would find nowhere suitable but an Office to eat soaked Garri and Groundnut, I wonder why someone would prefer eating his Garri and Groundnut with nothing else but Garlic.


As a result of his everyday intake of Garlic, Sola’s mouth smelted like how four rotten Eggs broken in a Gutter somewhere in Mushin would smell.




I will never forget the day I tried the “medicinal” Garlic, I regretted it.



Oscar my friend in the University introduced me to Garlic saying; “Flow, try am e dey good for man, so that you go perform well for bed”

“you mean am?”

“yes na!! you no see as my babe dey love me everyday?” That was true, his girlfriend loved him, but loved what was in between his legs more.

In between Oscar’s leg stood “the rock Gebratta”.


I remember me and him taking our bath in the same bathroom at the same time because we were late for lectures.


As we entered to bathe, and Oscar took of his Boxers, I saw a very big Anaconda dangling.


“wetin you dey look, you no go baf?” was what he asked me.

“I go baf na”

“baf na, why you dey look my p’rick?”

“omoh mehn!! Your p’rick big oh!!” I exclamated.

“so wetin you want make I do, make I cut small give you?”

“no, I no need am, my own dey ok for me”






“but the thing dey smell for person mouth na” I received it from him.

“na the smell you dey talk abi na the thing wey e go do for your body?”

“abi you like as Kel dey complain say you no dey fit nack her for one hour everyday?”


Kel while we were in the University had once told me to satisfy her s’exual desires for one hour every week days and two hours every weekends except on Sundays that was my s’ex free day. Unlike Ugochi the girl I dated in Year one in school that wanted s’ex only on Sundays and Public holidays.


“I no like am as she dey complain na”

“ok if you no like am, collect more jor” He offered me about forty pieces of Garlic.

“you dey sell am wey you get am plenty like this?” I needed to ask.

“my mama dey deal on am, so as I travel for holiday, I pack plenty come”


I munched about Four pieces late at night before I slept as prescribed by Doctor Oscar; Garlic Doctor.


The next morning as I received an early morning phone call from Emeka my course mate asking if we had lectures that morning; I thought our suck-away had done its worse again.


“Morley!!! Our suck-away don burst again oh, I no get money to pay for suck-away again oh” I woke my roommate up.

He came close to me and said: “hmmmmmmmnnnnn!! Wetin dey smell?”

“na suck-away na?” I was sure it was the suck-away.



“mumu!!! Na your mouth dey smell, you don forget say you chop garlic yesterday night?” I thought i ate the Garlic in dreamland not reality.





I licked about Fifteen wraps of Tom Tom sweet on my way to school to reduce the stubborn smell, yet it increased. So I told myself I wouldn't talk to anyone throughout that day.



Lecture hall was very rowdy as usually, so I sneaked to my usually extreme left position to join Emeka, Richard, and of course Oscar; it was like he wasn’t on his usual Garlic designers perfume that morning.

Oscar’s face read: “Flow!!! You never see anything, your mouth go smell ehnnn!!”

While my face read: "you be wicked boy! why you no tell me say na like this the thing dey smell?"

I sat as quiet as a Dove on my own “jejely”.


“Flow you watch Arsenal match yesterday?” Richard the die hard Arsenal fan asked.

I responded not, so he tapped me on my shoulder.

“I no watch am” I wrote on a sheet of paper for him to see.

“wetin!! You no dey talk, abi you don turn deaf and dumb?”


“you see as Arsenal win Manchester city 4-0?”

Again I wrote on the same sheet of paper: “I no see anything”


“Flow wetin dey do you now, abi you no well?”

I kept quiet, listening attentively to what the Lecturer taught; nodding like I had suddenly started understanding Aerodynamics.


“talk na!! you watch the match?” He tapped my head.

“you watch the match?” he tapped harder.



“wetin be your wahala!!! I say I no watch the match na!!!” I yelled.


“hnnnnnnn!! Who mess? Hnnnnnnnnn!! Who mess? Hmmmmmmmnnnn!! Who mess?” was what I heard my course mates said, including Garlic Doctor Oscar who had recently received an “Oscar” award; Oscar award for “Best Garlic Practitioner”.







“hahahahahahah!! Peter!!! You have come again with your comedy, Sola is not dead”

“or do you want him dead?”

“no oh, I’m just asking, incase he dies, I have a cousin that designs Confines”








“he could design yours too”

Deluxewize:
Mr Flow u truely always flow

Yeah, although there are few mistakes that i have corrected.

waistaa:
Na d financial help mke everybody run? O rukwa mma o

yeah that's whats up! true friends are known in hard time(money time).






I STILL seize not to FLOW

Peter, how are you?”

“I am fine sir”

“this one you are sweating like this, are you hot?”

“no sir, I am even cold!!”

“You are cold and you are sweating?”

“I sweat whenever I am cold”

“hahahahahha!!! Peter you are really funny, are you a comedian?”

“yes sir, I was once a comedian, i am retired now”

“really!! Hahahahhahahh!”



“First of all, go to the fridge and take one Can Malt, so you will cool your body after a hectic day” The Boss offered.

“no, thank you sir, I am not thirsty, I drank about half carton of Malt on my way here” I saw his trick coming.

“what did you just say?”

“I said I drank half carton of malt on my way here”

“ehen! Is today your birthday?”

“no sir, today is my father’s birthday” I lied.

“really!!!”

“yes sir!”







“ehnnnnnnnn! Peter why I called you is because I want to tell you that…………………………”

“your services are no my required in this organization anymore, you are fired” The mouth in my head completed.



“……………………………………..you will no more be working here”



“yeeeeeaaaaaa!!! I don die oh!!! How I go take survive?”

“mo ti ku oh!!!” my tongue found Yoruba language.

“I don die oh!!!!”

“oga abeg!!” abeg I no go sleep with any of your pekin again, na them dey force me” I confessed my s'excapede in one sentence.






“you say what? Sleep with which pekin?”

“your pekin sir!! Na them dey force me, them no gree me rest”

“them go dey say na my sugar cane nahim dey sweet pass”

“really!!!”

“yes sir, them no gree me rest, me wey I don turn born again, them go dey make me sin against God”

“you mean am?” That was the first Pidgin English I had ever heard him spoke since “comotted it”





If the past tense of “remove” is “removed”, then the past tense of “comot” was surely “commotted” according to Mr Akeju.


He drove me in his Nissan Armada jeep to his house one evening after work, and as we got to his compound, he ordered that I brought out the sack of Dog fed from the car trunk.


I stood behind the trunk confused like the comedian Mr Bean would staring at his image in a mirror.

“where them dey from open this boot na” it was like his car trunk was different from many I had seen or it was like something held it back while i fumbled with opening it.


“Peter!! Can’t you open the boot?”

“I can sir” I fumbled with opening it, and i mistakenly slept of and fell because it just stopped raining and the floor was slippery.






Instead of my Boss to come help me get up, he came to were I lay helpless and said: “you want to open the boot, you didn’t comot the clip that held both sides abi?”

“why didn’t you comotted it?” He spoke it proudly like he was sure “comot” was a new Shakespearian word.

“I comotted it sir”









“so you have been sleeping with my daughters ehn!!!”

“your daughters!! Who told you that?” I came back to my right senses.

“you just said so now”

“me!! Said so? I didn’t say so oh!”

“are you trying to say I have hearing problem?”

“Yes Sir!!!............. I mean no Sir”

“what!!! you insult me?”


“tawai!!!!!!!” a hot slap landed on my face suddenly like film trick.



I instantly used my tongue to count my teeth and found out there were two missing. I thought i had swallowed two molar teeth, but my tongue later found them shorter.








My hands were on my mouth as I spoke what sounded gibberish; a foreign language.

"shesheshe she she sheshe she............" If you were there present you would had helped me complete it with the popular P-square song "she's on fire eeeh!! eeeeeeh!!! oh oh oh oh!! she no dey tayah eeeeeeh eh..............."



“Sir I swear I no dey sleep with any of your daughter, that thing wey I tell you now, e happen for one program wey I watch for Tv”

“program?” I saw fury in his eyes.

“yes sir! Tv program, Super story” Just one slap made me saw scripts of so many soap Operas.



I expected a 50kg weigh punch to be sent to me from my Boss as a "thank you" massage for lying, rather I saw a 100kg laughter.

“why you dey laugh sir?” I almost asked.




“hahahahahaha!!! Peter!!! You are really funny”

“I mean am oh” I saw I had bought him laughter, so I kept buying more.

“you never watch am? Them show am for Tv last week n...........”







“..................will you shut up!!” He ordered suddenly.

“you f’ool!!!!”

“sorry sir!!!”





“Come close, I want to whisper something to your ear” he ordered.

“sorry sir, i am sorry…………..”

“I say come here!!” He yelled.

“ok sir!!” I drew closer as I had already seen in my mind’s eye what Mike Tyson did to Evander Hollifield happening.

“I am very sorry sir!” I saw his teeth grew bigger.



“I say come here!!”

I was soon within range for a bite, then he yelled: “bring your ear!!!”, I had to choose between both ears which was better to lose; the right or the left, I chose the left because it had started failing me lately.






I closed my eyes and said a little prayer as I brought my left ear close to his mouth.

What I heard was; “you better be careful with women, they can kill!!”, then he laughed.











He continued laughing while I remained dumbfounded.













“seat down, lemme explain to you what i mean by - you will no more be working here”

waistaa:
And barrow jus spoilt ma 10k bet. *smh* I wanted to split d money into two,I dey broke n wivout a job. Am sorry

Chai!!!! na wa oh!!!!


Still i flow sha

who will be kind enough to borrow me money, or better still dash me. I am in some financial bottle neck.




Just 5k



And urgent.

seuncyber:
Ope flow update

Nice one police is your friend oh

Police is your friend, and they say; "show me your friend and i will tell you who you are".

tfabu:
lwtmb oooo especially the tea part
if soldier slap u,u go knw say police na your friend..LOL

tfabu i am happy you appreciate

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. 24 Hours failed me.

"Peter, Oga wants to see you in his office?” Kel announced as I entered the office that afternoon.

“wetin him wan see me for na?”





The last time he saw someone one on one in his office, that person received a dirty slap, the last but one time he saw someone else one on one in his office, he head booted that person.


I will never forget the day he head booted Segun.





Segun had just returned from work and Kel informed him the Boss wanted to see him in his office. According to Segun, the boss told him to seat down and to his surprise he offered him a Can of Malt. Drinking just a Can of Malt, Segun got drunk and started “yanning okpata”


***Anybody that doesn’t know what “yanning okpata” means should choose any of these options, option 1: go ask Barack Obama, Option 2: eat Spagetti combined with Paw paw combined with cake garnished with lollypop, your stomach go tell you the meaning***


This was what Segun told us transpired: “Sir the Malt is sweet oh, give me another one na” was what he said.

“you want another one?”

“yes sir!!!”

“ok, go to the fridge and take one”



He took two instead of one, hiding one in his back pocket.


“if you finish drinking, you let me know”





As d’umb as Segun was, he finished drinking the first Can and brought out the one he hid in his back pocket and started gulping down what tasted sweeter than honey to him right directly in front of our Boss with his leg crossed.




“Kel!! Come to my office with Segun’s Reports right away” The Boss spoke on the intercom.

“for my mind I think say Oga wan dash me money for all my good good reports oh?” that was what he told us he thought at that moment.



After showing him his numerous mistakes, he told Segun to stand up and come closer and he was aiming at the appropriate spot to head boot.


The head booting landed on the same spot that of the French footballer Zenadine Zedane landed but that of our Boss was harder and his head was bigger. While that of Zenadine Zedane just made the Victim go down, that of our Boss did not only make Segun go down, it gave him an indelible mark, as up till today, Segun never seize to have “six packs” as a result of the contours on our Boss’s head.

I was told after the “Kiss of life” Kel gave Segun, he sneezed back to life and demanded for more Cans of malt.


The boss was always fund of that, giving someone refreshment before punishing them, reminded me of drinking Tea and Four loaves of heavy punches from my Dad.






I was just 17 and I had started keeping late. So one night, I sneaked in by 12 and went to bed unnoticed, little did I know my dad saw me sneaked.



The next morning, he told me to make him a cup of Tea, which I did. After making the Tea, I served it in his
favorite Tea cup. Rather than drinking it, he offered it back to me to drink and I willingly drank since I
was on Milk strike since Mama Faka.




Mama Faka was the woman that sold adulterated Milk in several measures close to my house. I helped her fetched firewood she used in frying Akara one evening and as a reward for my kind gesture, she gave me a very big measure of Milk. I thought of what to do with the Milk, so I decided to drink Tea; drink Tea in a sunny afternoon. I drank the first cup, then the second cup, the milk tasted very delicious so I drank on.



I was sweating profusely, but yet I drank on. The more I drank, the sweeter the milk tasted.


“why Mama Faka milk dey sweet like this na?” I asked myself as i continued to the Seventh cup.


The milk Mama Faka gave me was enough for my entire family members to drink Tea every morning for One month; it was enough to fulfill the milk desires of my extended family members including my grandma that drinks milk only on Christmas.


I drank Mama Faka milk that afternoon that the colour Tv I was watching turned Black and White, I drank Mama Faka milk that as I watched the Tv I saw Michael Jackson as Tupac, and I said: “why Michael Jackson go barb him hair na?”.


My eyes shone! My legs wobbled! My Nose watered! My stomach ached! And to mention the least, My P’rick stood!



“abi Mama Faka milk don dey make person p’rick stand?” I asked myself as I saw Michael Jackson sang rap on the Tv.


Since I was home alone that afternoon, I built a two room apartment in the toilet, and the toilet seat was my waterbed.





Since that day, I took a very long break from taking anything milk, even it be Goat milk.











After drinking the cup of very hot Tea, my Dad told me to come closer that he wanted to give me pocket money. Since it had been some donkey years since I received any money at all from my Dad; not to talk of a money known as “pocket money”, I moved closer to him swiftly before he changed his mind.



Indeed he changed his mind, he changed his mind to giving me Four heavy punches and one slap for the road.


Road!! I saw two express roads on the right side of my brain after receiving the first two punches; Owerri – Aba expressway and Onitsha – Owerri expressway, after receiving the last two punches, I saw Lagos – Ibadan expressway and Badagry – Seme expressway. The slap that followed was really wonderful.


“if Soldier man slap you, you go know say Police is your friend” they say, after receiving that slap from a man that had spent 27 years of his life in the Army, I found bosom friendship in the Police Force.

The slap saw the Tea I drank came out through my Nose, and A’nus too.









“wetin I do na?” I was lost in my thoughts.

“abi I thief?” I spoke to the hearing of Kel.

“you no thief” She said with a smile.

“who put your mouth for my talk?”

“Peter, you should learn to respect me oh, I am your superior”

“and so what?”

“and so this.......” She brought her big a’ss towards my groin and twisted like we were at the club dancing.

“stop this thing……….”

“stop what?”

I wanted to answer ; “stop this thing you are doing”, but as she kept shaking her “heavy duty” on my “Big Bros” sending some sweet sensation to all parts of my body, I mistakenly said “continue ooooh!!”


“continue what?” She stopped.

“continue shaking that thing na”

“what thing?” She asked.

“this thing?” I pointed at her heavy duty.

“how will I continue when this your thing will keep eating food from other girls like Funmi, rejecting this delicious food I offer for free” Her right hand was on the “V” part of her body after dragging the “I” part of mine.



“Kel, you won’t understand……”


“Understand what?”


“Understand the fact that you prefer Funmi’s Wide hole to my Pot of honey, or the fact that my formerly sweet pot of honey now taste like Lemon abi?” Her hand was dragging my Big bros again, almost tearing it to pieces.


2 minutes later and my Big Bros was at attention with pains from all corners as a result of the dragging.










“you can go and see Oga now, the guest has left” and my Big Bros was still at attention.

“you say wetin? Make I go see am now?”

“go and see him na” she beckoned.



My Big Bros was not respecting me at all.





“Peter seat down!!” The Boss beckoned legendarily.






My Big Bros still respected me not.

Emmeritus:
When will snow come into d story na?

Soon