₦airaland Forum

tfabu:
Kaduna or imo

Kadu what?

Mayorblaze:
Just because you touched ife and funmi...

I guess it should be ijebu ode

When we reach there you go know?

Deluxewize:
Eyah it's a sorry case oga flow

Sory case indeed.

Mutaino7:
Flow u can talk to me... weytin u do... Clean ur eyes ehn....
Baddest writer ever liveth... Luv ur humor bro.

Thank you.


The story will take a twist to another Nigerian city where i am presently, and Snow will be introduced.

Who can guess the City?

Oboy, Oga give me letter make I give you oh” Sola informed me in the afternoon of Monday 25 August 2014.

“ehen!!!”

“yes na, as I go office go drop receipt naso oga give me make I give you”

“mehn!! Oga don promote me!” I was sure. He had promised severally to promote me and increase my salary because I was so diligent a worker. Or so i thought.



There was indeed butterfly in my stomach, and, like they say; “keep the best for the last”. I left the letter on my desk where Sola had kept it and continued with me work.





Few minutes later.

“Sola you don chop?” I asked.

“I never chop oh, I wan go buy garri wey I go drink now”

“bone that garri thing, I go buy food for you” I offered.

“eheen!! Thank you oh!!”

“don’t mention!!!”


“make we go chop now na, i dey hungry?”

“No wahala” You needed to see the way Sola jumped up leaving what he was doing; that reminded me of Natty.



“Flow!! Where una dey go?” We met Wande.

“Wande!! Shebi I don warn you make you no dey call me Flow?”

“why, no be your name?”

“my name is Peter!!”

“but them your friend wey come here that day dey call you Flow”


“because them know me reach house, you you know me reach house?” I queried.

“ok, I don hear you Flow!!”

“you no dey hear word abi?”

“no vex, Peter!!”

“where una dey go na?” he knew yet he asked.

“we dey go Mortuary!!” I answered.

“ahan! Mortuary dey for this company?”

“yes na, Mortuary wey them bury your papa”



“Sola buy me food na?” Wande said.

“me? Na Peter wan buy me food oh”

“Pero!!! You no go buy your man food?”

“I no get money abeg, try chop-no-pay na?”

“mehn!! Them catch me the last time wey I do am oh”

“you mean am?”

“yes na, the new girl wey dem put there ehn? That girl eye dey sharp?”

“how she take catch you?”

“even me sef I no know! Wetin I know be say, i use my oga money pay for the food”

“I tell my Oga say him money lost”











The food I, Wande, and Sola ate cost 1200 naira all thanks to Wande’s ravenous inclination.





“Pero!! Your trouser don tear for back oh” Wande said as we walked out of the canteen.

“you say wetin?”

“I say your trouser don tear one big tear!”

“why na? how e take tear? I just dey buy this trouser, today na my first day to wear am”

That trouser cost 3000 naira; original D&G, but it could not be compared to the one I bought 4500 naira; original Original.


That wasn’t a mistake, Yes! “Original” was the trouser make.



I had just bought a trouser with the make "Original" at a price that was cut throat. The colour was navy blue which was my favorite trouser colour for a formal dressing.






I will never forget once wearing a navy blue trouser and a white long sleeve shirt to the Secondary school i taught in while I was I serving.


It wasn’t only because I forgot that what I wore was exactly the school uniform, I also needed to launch my new shirt and trouser. They both blended perfectly I must confess.



“uncle! You wear our school uniform!” one of the student said as i stepped into the compound.

“this is not your uniform, my own has design!” I teased.


“uncle!! I like your Uniform” Yewande an SS2 girl said.

“thank you!!” That was when it dawned on me that “I don f’uck up”, and down too.


I was as tucked in as the students, so I “untucked” to look different.

I saw the dressing was odd not tucked, so i tucked back.

My walking step differentiated me from the students, I walked like a boss; shoulder high, legs wide open.

“see the way Uncle is walking, hahahahahahaha!!!” I heard some students laughed.

"Uncle you have boil? hahahahahahaha!!"

“all of you, kneel down there?”

“who are you laughing at?”

“I does not laugh oh!!” Seye threw a bomb that made me freed them instanta.

I stayed in the Staff room althrough in other for an SS3 student not to mistake me for his/her junior and send me on errand.


After my afternoon lecture, I walked to the staff canteen to ease myself.




Staff toilet i mean to say.



After easing myself, as I walked to the veranda, i heard “aaaaaaa!! That student!! What did you go to the staff toilet to do?” It was the Principal’s voice.

“am I not talking to you?”



Since all the students were in their classes and no one was coming out of the Staff toilet but me, I knew I was the student the principal was referring to.






The day I was sent by my boss to deliver a letter to the Manager of a Micro finance bank in Iyana Ipaja was the first day I wore the "Original" trouser i bought.

The trouser was a bit tight, yet it fitted.

I was well tucked, and with a fine belt.





“oga, enter make we go!!” The Loin faced Bike rider said.

“you get change abi, na 1000 naira I hold oh?” I asked.

“I get, enter!!”

As I raised my right leg up to seat……………………..






As I raised my right leg up to seat……………………..






As I raised my right leg up to seat, something happened to my trouser.






“braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” My trouser tore.

“braaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” it further tore as I sat.


“guy this your yeye bike don tear my trouser!!” I yelled.

“no vex!!!”

“your okada too high!!”

“no vex, I go carry you go tailor wey go sew am for you”

“who get that time? I dey talk say I don late where i dey go, you dey talk say you wan carry me go tailor”


As he moved, I took a look at the hole in between my legs; it wasn’t big, i could make it unnoticeable by simply changing my walking step, or so I thought.

“I go manage an so!!” So I thought.






But as I got to my destination and alighted, i squatted to see clearly how wide the trouser tore.








Wider than my mother’s pot of soup, it was.




From the front, my trouser looked like an Italian skirt, while from the back it looked like an a'boki's Kaftan.








I virtually crawled into the bank, and crawled home too.











“wetin com tear my trousers na?” I asked myself as I walked into my office.

“abi na that mess wey I mess for inside bus as I dey come work this morning?”



I gave the passengers of the bus I boarded that morning two nuclear bombs; the first was Hiroshima, closely followed by Nagasaki.

The fart deafened the driver, I could tell.

I heard a passenger asked him; “Driver!! Tell your conductor make him give me my change oh!!”

“I no hear you!!” The driver replied.






As I saw the Letter on my desk, my lost smile was found.




Opening it almost saw me crippled.









And blind too.





“Due to your lack of zeal towards duty, the management has agreed to relieve you of your duties. We advise that the ID card and every other Company’s properties in your possession be handed over to the administration department within the next 24 hours. We wish you best of luck in your future endeavors. Find attached is your Salary for August.

IHate9ja1:
....lol
Flow neva cease to amaze me as usual...
This update was top notch...i gbadun am die #lmao

Thank you

StormAngel:
Hheehhehehe @ 'master of head and boy of head'

Babe you fine gan

IHate9ja1:
....lol
Flow neva cease to amaze me as usual...
This update was top notch...i gbadun am die #lmao

Thank You

“Peter!! Go to Ojuelegba, buy me Beans and bread, then go to the bank, put this money in my son’s account!!” Mr. Dele again.

“sir I never chop oh!!” I almost said.

Since i spoke my mind to him, Mr Dele had stopped sending me on errand to buy him food in the staff canteen, which was as home as Old Tradford could be, He changed style and started sending me on errand that was as away as the Etihad could be.


“Sola, Mr Dele send me make I go buy beans and bread for am”.

“so ana you go dey arranged the receipt till I come” I was glad to announce.

Arranging our company's old receipts was as herculean as climbing mountain Everest.




I smiled as I arrived Ojuelegba Bus stop, not because I had a clean brush that morning, but because I succeeded not paying the Bus conductor that thought I had already paid.



“oga!!” someone tapped me from behind.

“pay me my money jor!!” The bus conductor yelled.

“I never pay you?” I asked.

“you dey mad abi, you wan run with my money abi?” He clinched his fist for a punch.

“haba!! e never reach that level na, we no dey fight”

“oya give me my money!!”

“I go give you, I wan go help you find change nahim make I no pay you for inside bus”

“no find change for me, I get change!” He held my trouser belt region.


“take your money!!” I handed 100 naira over to her.

She left shaking her a’ss.

He, I mean She cursed me: “ole!!”

“na your papa be ole!!” I almost cursed back.

I dared not because inasmuch as his a’ss was bigger than that of Ivanovic the Chelsea FC defender, he still had a muscle that was bigger than mine.

And wisdom told me never to fight a muscle bigger than mine, never!!


The last time I tried it, I almost lost both legs.



That was when some thugs at Mafoluku cornered me.

They seized my bag because they thought I was one of the Tax people.




“aaaaaaasssss!!! Come here!!” One of them commanded.

“wetin you dey do for this area? Who send you?” He asked all at the same time.


“I am a delivery man from Wilo courier service ltd, my name is Peter” I introduced myself.

“se oya were ni!! shey na me you dey speak English for?”

“no oh, I no dey speak English” I denied English language.

“Wetin you come speak now now?” One double headed guy tapped my shoulder.

Double headed because jokes apart, on seeing the shape of his head, I thought his neck carried two heads. His head had one Valley and two Mountains made of igneous rock.

“no be English I speak oh!!” I denied English language again.

“so you think say we no go school abi, you com dey speak English for us?” A very dwarf one said.

“no be English I speak na!!” Like Peter in the Bible, I denied English language for the third time.

In my own case, the C'ock needed not crow, A car honked.

“you see that motor there!!”

“yes!!”

“na the boot you go enter, we dey carry you go our office”

“how I go enter the boot? I be thief?”

“your mouth dey sharp abi? I go just nod you!” The double headed guy threatened.

“no nod abeg! If you nod me, that mean say I don die be that” I will not only die, my skull will be crushed to pieces.

“See Bros!! make una no vex for me, I be una person, I dey work for one Courier company, na my work I dey do, see my ID card here!!” I brought out my ID.

“you say you dey work for Korea company?”

“yes!!”

“eeeeeeh! Baddo! So you dey work for awon Oyibo abi?”

“no, no be Korea………………………..”

“gb'enu soun jor!! Na una Korea people use dey come collect task for people shop abi” A slap landed on my chick.


“bros!! bros!! bros!! why why why you you you slap slap slap me me me” Everything I said echoed twice.

“oya make we dey go!!” the double headed guy dragged me.






“Jide!! As the boy na Korea boy, make we no put am for boot, make him sidon with us hahahahahahahaha!!”



As heartless as Nigerians could be, some of them saw these thugs cornered me, but they left me to suffer a slap in their hands; even the woman I bought sachet water from.


“so na me this small guy slap?”

“I must slap am back!!”

“the guy small, but him muscle big pass my own” I advised myself.


“fear the man, and not the muscle!!” My Saboniem always said.


Soon, we were at an uncompleted building.

“Oga Korea!! Make I see wetin dey your bag?” their leader ordered.

“Jide!! Bring that bag!!”

“na una dey come collect tax from people wey dey their shop jeje abi?”

“no be tax I dey collect, I dey deliver letter?”

“which kin letter?” the dwarf one asked.

“na letter for people wey buy share”

“chair?”

“Jide se o ra chair sinu ile?” He spoke.

“mo ra!” Jide the Head master answered.






I will never forget Head master and Head boy.




I and my younger brother’s head was so big when we were kids that some adults nicknamed us Head master and Head boy respectively. We so much loved the nicknames that we fought over who would me called the master of head and who would be called the boy of head. My younger brother saw my plight and understood, not because I was older than him or because my head was bigger, but because Brother Moses told him so.


Brother Moses was our Barber. He, having weighed both heads while barbing concluded that I was the master, and my brother was the boy.








“so na letter you dey deliver?” their Leader came close to me and handed over my bag.

“yes!!” I answered.




He walked round me twice and dipped his hand into my left back pocket.




At the right back pocket comfortable sat my wallet; very fat wallet.

It contained 10,000 naira which was my pay for three days delivery.

“where your wallet?” he removed his hand from the left, and headed for the right.




“I go give you, I turned facing him.

“turn!! Make I collect am by myself!!” He ordered.








At my back was a window that led to the top of the fence of the compound, that also led to the next compound.


From the floor to that window was almost my height, and like my High jump coach in Secondary school always said; “whatever that is below your height, you can jump” ***I pity Kanu Nwankwo***



“man die once, e better make I die than make I give this people this money wey dey my wallet, money wey I suffer for!!” I told myself.





Within split seconds, i ran so fast towards the window, jumped, and landed on the fence that was a bit shaky.

“catch am!!” I saw the Head master chased.




From the top of the fence, I jumped and landed on a hip of dried grasses.



Before I could get up and started racing, I heard a quaking.





Like a pack of cards, Three hefty blocks from the fence landed on my both legs.

SexySapphire:
I can't help but comment. This guy is hilarious, I was laughing so hard dat I almost laughed out my fallopian tube. I can't just get enough. Are your xters real? Esp people like Segun. Can't get over the "sebi na eba dem dey take chop hand" part. Got me reeling on the floor. flow1759, u're jst too funny and u ought to be a standup comedian.

They are real oh. The characters are real.


Thanks anyway. God bless

“Natty how far, how the go dey go?”

“oga Flow, I dey hungry oh, I never chop since two weeks” He looked it.

“two weeks!! your own better na, me I never chop since two years!”

“lie lie, u never chop and your belle com big like this!!” Of a truth, I had been growing pot belle by the day, and chubby too.

“make we go drink Kunu for Kunu republic na?” I offered.

Kunu had over time gain independence and it’s colonial masters in the cantonment named it Kunu Republic; that was another name for Mama Michael’s Kunu joint. It had over time been beautified and decorated to attract customers from far and wide. The innovation I liked most was the introduction of Zobo; my best drink since Guinness stout.






“oboy!!! you watch Man u match yesterday?” We met Segun there.

“I watch am na!! See as Man u trash Stoke!!!”

"Stoke na our mate?"

"abeg comot there, when we met una, na that time una go know say Kaaki no be leather" So began the argument.

"abeg comot there!! una coach wey dey smoke igboh" I sometimes thought Man U's new coach was always high on drugs because of the kind of substitutes he always made.




“ehen!! Flow!! e get wetin I wan tell you?” Segun said suddenly.

“wetin you wan tell me, no beg me for money oh, because i no get!!”

"no be money"

“make we go outside, no be wetin I go begin tell you for here wey people dey!!”

“ok!! You mean Natty abi?” Natty wasn’t just a food lover, he was also a gossip lover.

If wall have ears, Natty’s ears were made of bricks.








With a bottle of Zobo on hand each, I and Segun walked outside.






“ehen!! Wetin be the thing wey you say you wan tell me?”

“hmm!! Hmmm!” He cleared his throat.

“wetin do you for throat? You get catar?”

“no!! the thing wey go soon happen to you go pass catar!”

“wetin you mean?”

“I mean your job is at stake” That was the first time I heard Segun spoke simple English; it sounded like a Japanese trying to speak Igbo language.

“I mean say, this your job? Them go soon sack you!” he prophesied.

“how? Wetin I do wey them go sack me?” I was shocked.

“because of them the women wey you dey pursue” He answered.

“which women I dey pursue?”.

“you dey do like say you no know abi?”

“I no know na!!” I was becoming impatient.




“Ife and Funmi, they are after your life!!” That was like electric shock.

“gen!! gen!!!” My heart beat trumpeted.

“how?! What did I do to them?”

“according to wetin I hear, e be like say the two of them dey drag one boy, and the boy in question is originally Ife’s, but Funmi want him”



The news froze me, and the grammar also.

“so how that one com take concern me?”

“Hahahahaha!! Flow!! Use this your big head think na!!” he tapped my head with his palm.

“you no know say Funmi wan collect the guy from ife because Ife collect you from her?” He made some sense.

“and if she no get the guy wey be Ife guy that mean say she must get you”

“and according to what you told me, you said you are no more interested in Funmi”

“Yes na!! I am no more interested in her”

“she is wicked!!”.


She was indeed wicked. I will never forget her telling me to lick her Labia or else she would send boys to beat the hell of me.

A guy called me threatening to kidnap me if I don’t do as Funmi commanded. He also told me that after he kidnapped me, I will still lick the Labia under duress.

Oh how I hated licking Labia, talk less of Funmi's Sahara Labia.

Being Sahara wasn’t it all; her Labia also had contours and pot holes.

I had sworn never to lick any Labia until I find a wife, and if by then my wife demands for it, I will do it, but I will make sure I have a pack of Tooth paste handy, and a pack of stomach wash too.


Since the day I called her and yelled at her for perpetrating evil against the one she claimed she loved just because of licking a Labia, I refused picking her numerous calls, and at some point, I deleted her number.


“guy, wetin I go do na?” I asked confused.

“hahahahahahah!!! leave the country!!” Segun suggested.

“guy!! Nawa for you oh, I dey talk better thing, you dey joke abi?”

“why I no go joke? Shebi I warn you about those girls!”

“guy na them dey force me do am oh!!” I cried with a loud voice.

“hahahahahaha!! Shey na them carry this your long thing put inside their t’oto?” he dragged my thing.



“see make I tell you, serious kata kata dey that house because of you!”

“hahahahahahahahaha!” he laughed out.

“you don dey go!!! You no go advise me?” I tried holding him back.

“A friend in need is a friend indeed” They say, but such "need" needed no friend indeed because I enjoyed the sweetness alone therefore I had to suffer alone, like the pidgin adage said “chop alone, and die alone!!”

I was indeed in a State know as OYO.

My whole world was about to come crumbling down.

How I wished God never created Women.

Sorry!!! Not all women, women like Funmi and Kel the evil daughters of Eve.





“guy you no go come help your man!” I cried out to Segun, and to God too.








“see make I tell you, serious kata kata dey that house because of you”






For Segun to had said it that way, that meant real kata kata awaited me.

Melancholy:
I can relate to that incontinence where u can no longer control ur system but to begin to beg God to save u from probable embarrassment.

who no go no know

August 12 2014……………………………. The day I ate Beans and performed wonders.




I had been eating Beans on the basis of “chop no pay”, nothing had happening, but that day.

I had been drinking “Agbo Jedi” severally, nothing had happened, but that day.




Sola had introduced Agbo jedi to me since I started complaining of waist pain all thanks to Ife.



Ife had adopted a new sex p’osition: “gumming body” I call it.

The position entails penetrating fully and taking it out fully also. My problem wasn’t taking it out fully, but pushing it back fully; I sometimes missed my aiming point. It really affected my waist and drained my brain too.




Since Sola introduced me to the woman that sold local elixir, I had not only become her regular customer, I had become her best friend. She sometimes called me “my pikin wife”, and mehn!! You need to see this her pikin, ugliness built a castle in her.



I drank the elixir first thing every morning for 3 weeks, yet the waist pain persisted.




So, on that day…………………………. It was a sunny afternoon, and I had drank Agbo Jedi at about 7:45am.

And Beans, I ate it at lunch time.

It was indeed a very delicious Beans, i must say.



I had been throwing farts at intervals of 2 minutes. But there was one particular fart; a watery fart, that took so great a momentum out of my bowel.


I had wanted to apply a principle Segun called “back to sender” Principle.


“Flow!! Anytime you dey with girl and hot mess dey catch you, swallow spit, e go go” He advised.

“ehen!! you don try am?” I asked.

“yes na, i don try am, I dey call am – back to sender” he answered.






Back to sender principle had worked for me severally, like when I sat very very close to Mr. Wole my Boss, and when I carried Mrs Gladys Akeju and her friends in her car and the glass were wound up because the A/c was on. In the case of the Former, I succeeded in sending few farts back without the repercussion, but as for the latter, I sent enough farts back to the sender that I saw myself growing fatter.









I tried sending this particular fart back but failed woefully. It was Boko Haram in nature.


“mehn, I don s’hit for body!!!”





My walking step changed as I tried to locate the toilet.



The distance form my office to the toilet was as far as from Sokoto to Lagos.


“Flow!! Why you dey waka like this na?” I met Wande on my way to the Toilet.

“I get boil”

“ehen!! Which kin boil?” He asked a rather s’tupid question.

“boil dey get type?”

“you no know?”


“ehnnnnnnnnnn! I don forget the other type oooooh! But I know say e get one wey dem dey call Papa bomboy” He replied.





“guy!!! Hope say no be toilet you dey go?”

“na there I dey go na, my belle no good” he answered.

“you say wetin?”


“I say I wan go s’hit!!!!”




“bros abeg no vex, make I s’hit before you” I pleaded.

"why you go s'hit before me, i no first you come?"

“hahahahahahahaha!! So na s'hit dey worry you wey you dey lie say na boil dey do you?”

“yes oooooh!!!!! na boil and s’hit dey catch me oh!!” I had my stomach rumbled.


“na lie, I no go gree, I first you come, you go wait after I s’hit, you go enter go s’hit your own!!” that was inconsiderate of him.


“abeg na!!” I pleaded, yet he pushed me out of his way and rushed in. That was the moment I heard another fart came out raining on my boxers.

“I don die today!!!”



“God abeg!! If I survive today, I go repent, I no go dey do bad thing again!!”

“Lord pls!! Forgive me my sin, I will never sin again, don’t let me die today!!” I already saw my stomach exploding as there was a great wrestling in it.

“wetin I go do now?” abi make I go upstairs go use Accounting department toilet?”

“but before I go waka reach that place, the s’hit go don pour comot!”

"abi make i do press up?"

“abi make I s’hit for here wey dem dey piss? I suggested to myself to p'oo on the p'ee basin.

“no try am oh, no go disgrace yourself oh!!” Something in me told me.




“Wande abeg na!!” I pleaded.





“but why this people no build two toilet for this floor na?” All floors of the three storey building had a toilet each; one for Male and one for Female.

“why you no use the Female toilet na? Knock whether anybody dey there?” Someone whispered to my ears.

“who talk that thing?” I turned to see no one but my shadow.


“that ghost wey tell me that thing dey think well!! na wetin i go do be that” I told myself.



“Flow!! Who you dey talk to?” I heard Wande asked.

“na your Papa I dey talk to?”

“my Papa don die!! If you dey talk to am, that mean say you don die be that!! Hahahahahaha!!”


“guy shebi I dey beg you for something, you no gree, you go beg me for something oh, that time, I go show you say I wicked”.

“ehnnnnn! Show me na?”

“ok, you go see!!” I felt water fell.

I saw it fall to the ground as I struggled to open the door of the Ladies.


“is anybody there?” I formed a female voice.








I sat on the Luxury leather seat for close to Forty minutes.

“Flow you never still s’hit finish?” I heard Wande flushed.

“e no go better for you, shebi na you carry me go eat Beans?!” I cursed.

“e no go better for you too!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!” he laughed out.



As I stood up to wipe my a’ss, what I saw scared me.

I thought I heard delivered a bouncing baby boy as I saw that my p’oo had all the body parts.





I flushed and flushed yet the liquid that stayed remained contaminated unlike how I met it.










All of a sudden……………………………….




A knock at the door.


“who is there?”

“I don die, how I go do this s'hit make e go eeh!!?” The flush water reminded me of the gutter I fell into in Mushin while I was still a delivery man.






Air freshener was of no use because my p’oo smelled ticker; it smelled more like a burning bush.


“Give me a moment!! I will be right out!!” I spoke perfectly in a female voice.

“ok, hurry!!! Am pressed!!”

“if you like make you pressing iron, na until I make this place dey ok, I no go comot here!!!”











“ok, I fit go now, the toilet don dey ok” I assured myself after flushing for the Nineteenth time.



I hurriedly dressed up and opened the door like a King; a crowned King that just victoriously emerged.

A King opened the door to see a Queen.



“Bimbo!!”


“What!! What are you doing here?”

“I went to check the toilet’s pipe fittings!!” I answered with a smile.

“and who told you the female toilet was bad? Are you a plumber?”

“are you?”


That question made me looked to the floor in shyness, and that was when I saw I had forgotten a foot of my socks in the toilet.



“forget!! I thought I saw me flush it”

To all those that have read and commented, and all those who read and don't comment................... I love you.

Melancholy:
Omo mehn! Second to last update was so funny gan ni. Thanks for the painkiller.

More painkillers coming soon

IHate9ja1:
.......feeling the nigga ehhhh
Write am for me ehhhh *in dbanj's voice*
I gbadun u flow,keep d flag flying
Lv u

Much Love

Mr Ayodele, Akindele and Mr Dele were all the Deles we had in Maestro. And as funny as it sounds, they were in the same department.


Mr Ayodele and Akindele were just friends to me, while Mr. Dele was more than a friend.

Mr Dele had by the day became a pain in my a’ss.




“Peter!! You go to Ojuelegba, buy me beans and bread from that my customer, and on your way back, pay this money into my son's bank account” Such a bad omen on a Monday morning.


“ok sir, your wish is my command!” Indeed his wish was my command, because it wasn’t for me to go buy him food in the staff canteen, and because his daughter was beautiful.



His daughter's beauty reminded me that black is indeed beautiful, and that “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”

Every part of her body was sweet indeed, even her laps.


I will never forget the day I saw her River Niger and River Benue, and where they met in Lokoja.





She came to her Dad’s office at about 5pm one evening putting on a very hot mini skirt, and after her Dad had introduced her to everyone in his department, she sat waiting for him to round of for them to go home together, little did she know she left the door ajar.




I walked into Mr Dele’s office with the food I had bought for him; and that was the day I was suppose to tell him my mind; that I will stop going to buy him food in the canteen.



Even though I had promised severally to speak my mind, my liver failed me all the time, but that day I promised to speak my mind come what may.


“sir, here is the food!!” I kept it on his table, and for the first time since I started work at Maestro, I saw Mr. Oladele Olaoye at a corner of his table.

“ok, that’s my boy!!” He praised.






“this is my daughter I told you about!!” He introduced her daughter to Akindele. That introduction was done not in English, but in Yoruba.


I wondered why the lingua franca in the company had been accepted as Yoruba. Was it because 70% of the people that worked there was Yoruba? Was it because the MD/CEO of the company was from Ibadan?


“Your daughter is fine oh!!” Akindele spoke in Yoruba too.

If I couldn’t speak it, I could hear at least.


“seat on that seat!!” Something told me, so I sat on a seat directly opposite Mr. Dele's Daughter.


Immediately I sat down, I saw something.


I saw a fresh River Niger and a fresher river Benue, therefore, creating a huge Kainji Dam in me.

“wetin be this!!!” I asked myself.

“see laps on!!!”

“why this babe open her legs like this, abi na because she see me sidon for here!!”

“abi she wan collect fresh air!!”


With two standing unit A/C, you will agree with me that there was no better place to get fresh air other than Mr Dele’s office.


My bros respected not itself, it stood at attention. At quick succession, I crossed my legs.


As it was against the work ethics for a "bros" to stand erect for everyone to see, I took my eyes of both Rivers in other for my Kainji Dam to come down.

It came down indeed. It came down and pointed straight like a Driller.

A driller it was indeed, as I felt it drilled a hole through my boxers.




“Peter!! You are needed in the office now!!”

“me?” I asked.

“no me!!”

“abeg come clear yesterday parcels jor!”

“I dey come!”

“come now jor”

“I am coming!”

C’umming I was indeed.

Everywhere I looked at, I saw her pure white p’ant, even on her father’s shoulder.


“oga Dele see p’ant for your shoulder!” I thought I was speaking to myself.

“p’ant!!”


“no sir, ant!!” I saved myself by the bell.

“where is it?”

“see it here!” I killed an imaginary ant on his shoulder.


I had forgotten a mightier ant stood in between my legs.


Legend has it that when one’s bros is at attention, the elixir to call it to order was to sing Gospel songs.

So I began to sing Gospel songs by Frank Edwards, yet nothing happened.





“I thought Sola said you should come to the office to do something?” Mr Akindele queried.

“yes,I heard him,I will soon go” only in one condition, and that was if my bros gave me some respect.


“Peter!!” I heard Sola called.


“I dey come Sola!!” I managed to stand up, and I heard “praaaaaaaaaa!!” I thought my bros was out.

“Soro don do me bad oh! So this trousers don tear again!!” I cursed.



Soro had sewn that trouser three times in the same area that year. I will never forget patch-patch boxers.






“I no know why my boxers dey always tear oh” I told Soro one Saturday I went to him to amend my shirt.


“why you dey complain na, I dey patch boxers well, you no know?”

“Soro abeg make you no dey talk that kin thing, you don see where them dey sew boxers before?”

“I dey tell you wetin I dey do well well!”

“nothing wey I no fit sew, even your p’rick!!”



As he made that statement, I took a quick flash back to the previous day that ants found their way to my p’rick while I stood as an usher in Church.


“Onye n’me mma……………… e mena, e mena……..e mena, emena………. e mena, e mena ……………….. e mena ooooooooooh!! Eze ebube emena oh oh oh!!!” I was dancing Reggae.


I thanked my stars Praise was on.


Red Indian dance soon changed to Makaso, Makosa soon changed to Galala, Galala soon changed to Oghene. Some members thought i was either mad or in the spirit. Or both.









On our way home after service.

“Na head Usher cause all this thing, I tell am say ant dey that place wey Gen dey, him still say make I go pour fuel for Gen”

“now see wetin him don cause to my p’rick?”






“wetin him cause to your pr’ick, make I see am!” Blessing longed.

Whatever happened to front page?

1st of August 2014.




I woke up stepping on my hat; it was a Friday and in Lagos what you often hear is “thank God it's Friday!!”


My usual time to wake up was 4:30am, what followed afterwards was 30:30.


I sometime called the routine “4:30 - 30:30”.


The routine was: My ever loud alarm wakes me by 4:30, studying the Bible or/and any other book for 30 minutes with prayer inclusive in the 30 minute, then exercise and drinking hot Tea took the rest 30 minutes.



Then by 5:50, I am of to dine with my friend Lagos.


Life in Lagos!!







Life in Lagos Nigeria was far worse than life in the “warrest” of zones. In fact the dictionary meaning of Lagos is War.


It is only in Lagos that you earn 30,000 naira a month, yet you spend 25,000 on transportation.


It is only in Lagos that you Wake up by 40:00am in the morning and get to work by past 8.


It is only in Lagos that you Leave home hungry, but once you get to the bus stop, your hunger vanishes.


It is only in Lagos that you see people practice the One-Zero-One system of feeding. I sometimes practiced Zero-half-zero when my liver failed me to go perform “chop no pay”.


It is only in Lagos that everyone in the bus stop on a Monday morning have same look; butt faced look.


It is only in Lagos that Commercial buses never stops but slow down a bit for passengers to jump in.


It is only in Lagos that Pick pocket was a profession registered with the Corporate affairs commission.


It is only in Lagos that Gala sells more than anywhere else.


It is only in Lagos that Touts wears uniforms that looked like they are in the Military.


It is only in Lagos that traffic is always longer than River Nile.


It is only in Lagos that one could eat Lunch and Dinner in traffic.


It is only in Lagos that no commercial bus could complete a journey without a fart or two from one or two of the passengers in it.


It is only in Lagos that you put on a white shirt to work and you a crowned the neatest man on earth if you return home without stains.


It is only in Lagos that Beans and bread can be seen as Sausage.


It is only in Lagos that Forty nine seating and ninety nine standing.


It is only in Lagos that Seven Bachelors lives in a “Face me - I face you” apartment with half a toilet for Fourteen rooms, and the fourteen rooms sharing one kitchen.



It is only in Lagos that Bridges are useless.


It is only in Lagos that “Alomo” is a none alcoholic drink.



It is only in Lagos that trekking is a skill that can be acquired by a two years old.


It is only in Lagos that some workers sleep in their place of work just to cut transportation cost of their salaries.












The day I tried that, I regretted it.



Transportation cost was high due to predictions that there would soon be Fuel scarcity and some filling stations hoarded PMS. The money with me that day wasn’t enough to even take me half way home.




Some car owners like Paul offered a ride but for a price; How heartless!!


“guy make we kuku sleep for here na?” Sola advised in other for me to join the bandwagon.



The bandwagon of those that slept in the company’s compound with the security men include in no particular other: Wande who stayed in Badagry close to Seme border, Abu who stayed in Tejuosho, Kareem who stayed in Ogun state, and of course their Chairman Sola who stayed in Satellite town that wasn’t too far from where he worked.


Satellite town was just a 150 naira from our Office, yet Sola preferred passing almost every night at work.


He bought a pillow and a blanket for his comfort, and bought half bag of Garri every week for his stomach sake, and that of his friends too.


The half Bag of Garri wasn’t meant to fulfill the Eba desires of all of them, it was meant to fulfill their “otoh” desires.


Otoh means soaked Garri for “waking”, and I don’t know what language it originated from.

But “waking” is pure Pidgin.




And the award for the World best Garri “waker” goes to no other than………………………………………………………….......




Sola.





Sola could “wak” Garri more than all his friends put together, he could finish Nineteen cups of Garri at a go, that is if it contained two sacks of Groundnut and fourteen pieces of Garlic. And I am not exaggerating.



What baffled me about his Garri habit was the fact that he wasn’t ashamed of taking Garri and Ground nut in the office.



“come join me Peter!” He offered that Night as we sat gisting waiting for darkness to fall.

“thank you!! I no dey hungry” Even if I was, I would never take such intercontinental dish outside my home; it disgusts.





Intercontinental dish it was indeed to Sola, as a smile was always on his face whenever he ate it.



***Question for the day: Is Garri drank or Eaten?***






“how we go position oursef sleep na?” I was feeling sleepy.

Sola Postulated a sleeping formula that could contain us. His formula stated that my face would either be directed to the a'ss of Musa the security man or his own a'ss. I chose Musa's, because i was sure of what Garlic could do to the mouth and to the a'ss.



In the average sized security house that night was in no particular other: Peter, Sola, Abu, Wande, Akindele, Musa the security man on Duty, Akeem and Mr. Ayodele a young guy like us that preferred we added the title “Mr.” to his name, which was indeed a mouthful.






Snoring was an orchestra that killed my sleep, while darkness spun my eyes.






Those were the least of my problems.








My numero uno problem that night was Mosquitoe.





Permit me to say this………………………………………………….













It is only in Lagos that Mosquitoes have claws.

Xp01:
My oga ride on.....everyone in my office is luking at the madman.....laughing out his ribs context of yhu

No laugh go slap your MD oh.

IHate9ja1:
.....just came out of my shell
I ve been your fan for a lonnnng tym!

Do you really hate naija?

Bunsky:
I done laugh out my fallopian tube,thumb up flow.

You mean am?"

Mate77:
Flow Flow as ur Name b, u no come kill ur self. But all i can say is u gud men. Love the story just keep it ip bro.

thanks, God bless

IHate9ja1:
@ ahmeen havent seen your mail.my email got issues
@ flow....staying glued for the nxt update.i lv d flavour of this episode

Thank you. i love the fact that you are my fan.

I became an addict to eating and not paying, mastering the art with time.



“oboy make we go do - chop no pay na?” Wande walked into my office during break.


“mehn!! I get money for today own, I go pay” I informed him of my intention.

“Pero!! Why na? you wey don be master for this thing” I had indeed mastered the art, even more than my coach Wande.




What happened the first day I tried “chop no pay” was this:

“Sir you haven’t given me money” The lady that collected money from customers said.

“I don die!!! She don catch me!!” I concluded.

“who me?” I turned.

“no, not you, you!!” She was referring to Wande who was already seated eating.

“me?” Wande asked.

“yes you!!” she answered.


Funny enough, Wande had told me before we entered the canteen that he had no money on him accept 100 naira that was his transport fare back home. How risky.



“me?” He stood up with his hand on his chest.

“no, not you…….. you” Wande was eased.


“I know, I told you i wanted to drop the food on the table in other for me to easily remove my wallet” Said Mr. Ayodele the wife beater.




Mr. Ayodele’s father was a boxer, his father’s father was also a boxer, yet he rejected boxing for a white colar job. I was told his punches were heavier than a sack of cement and harder than rock; Paul’s jaw can attest to that.






I will never forget the day Mr. Ayodele and Paul fought after office hours outside the company’s compound.



Paul had warned Mr. Ayodele severally to desist from parking his car in his usually parking space, but he refused.



“abi I don warn you say make you no dey park this your jaga jaga motor for here!!” Paul waited till it was almost dark and everyone had gone home, accept I and Sola who stayed behind parking large parcels to be delivered the next day.

“you call my car jaga jaga!” Mr Ayodele was ready for a fight.


Fighting was highly prohibited during working hours, little wonder Paul always kept all his fights till the close of work.


“yes! No be jaga jaga e be before?”



Jaga jaga had got no best description other than Paul’s Volkwagen Golf car. I think Eedris Adulkareem saw Paul’s car before he sang “Nigeria Jaga Jaga”. The body had several unwarranted tattoos; rougher than dread locks. The exhaust was 98% combustion, mangled front screen, one sided tyres, and above all, noise making engine.


“empty vessel makes the loudest noise” they say, Paul’s car was indeed an empty vessel; it’s seats were made of rock, it’s roof was made of partly plastic and partly zinc, and it’s Engine, oh! Let’s leave that for another day.


I will never forget the day Paul offered me a ride to Orile bus stop; that was when we were still friends. We were only a stone throw to Orile when the car broke down with about fourteen farts and about forty five jerks.






“Peter go push am?” I saw that coming.


“guy I never chop oh, I no get strength oh?” Of a truth, I was really really hungry.

“Guy e no go take much time, e go start” He said.


Much time it took, I pushed and pushed, and my shoe sole cried.




“guy e never start?”

“still push, e go soon start” He beckoned.

I kept pushing until my eyes spun. I indeed saw that the Earth was spherical, as everything I saw was circular.


“guy still push na!!”

“oboy e be like say you go come push make I drive oh, I don dey see double” I confessed.

“push something jor, you be woman!!”




I kept pushing and panting, until traffic on that road germinated and grew.



“Oga carry this your yeye motor comot for raod jor!!”


“go buy another motor!!”

“abeg carry this your rubbish motor make other motor wey make sense pass jor!!” were the rain of abuses that commercial bus drivers, conductors, and even commuters poured on us.


I was still pushing when all of sudden a bike from nowhere rode towards my direction on top speed.

Maybe it honked but I didn’t hear because as my eyes spun, if affected my ears too.

I noticed the bike rode very very close to my right leg, but that was all. That wasn’t all rather, I also noticed I heard a “praaaaaaaaaaa!!” sound like someone farted, so I concluded I had fart because I tried gathering momentum to push harder, that was all I noticed, or so I thought.


“Oga!! that okada man don tear your trouser!” I had someone said.

“that person na m’umu oh, how okada go tear person trouser?” I cursed within me.


“Oga wey dey push motor!!”

“Oga wey dey push motor? Your trouser don tear” The conductor of the bus that was beside me tapped me.


“who? Me?” I asked.

“no!! Mimi noodles!!” he answered.

On hearing Mimi Noodles, I took a quick flash back to the previous night that saw me throwing up because I wanted to try something new; Noodles, Kuli Kuli and Water melon all together.


“who be mimi?”


“odeh!! Your trousers don tear, you no dey see am?”




I looked at my trousers and what I saw was “shabbah”


When we were kids, Shabbah was what we called a skirt that had a very exposing side parting. So we adopted it for torn trousers too.




That day I became the younger brother of Shabah Ranks the Musician, with a name Sabah Flow.


“Paul!!!! Shebi you don see wetin your rubbish motor don cause?” I cried with a loud voice and commuters and the buses around laughed like I was some comedian.






“pooooh!!! gbeeeeem!!” Paul’s jaw saw a punch, then two, but before he received the third one, he sent back a harder than rock punch to the sender.









The sender was.....................................











Mr Ayodele, not Peter

“oboy why your face dey like this na? you no well?” Sola asked one Monday morning.


“guy I no well oh!!”

“wetin dey sick you?” He asked.

“na Totenham dey sick me oh?”

“hahahahahaha!! you say the sickness wey dey sick you na Totenham sickness?”

“how na?”

“mehn you no see wetin them play yesterday?”

“I see am na, 2-0?” He answered.

“so how that one com make you sick na?”

“them go lose to West ham na!! them no suppose to lose”


“ok you put say them go win for nairabet?”

“yes na, if to say them win , I for chop 81,000 naira”



“eyah!! Sorry oh!!”


“guy I hope say you remember say na you dey lead for morning devotion today?” My sad mode made me almost forgot.

“I remember!”



I scanned through the Bible to see if I could see one or two Bible verses I would quote while praying, but all my eyes saw was Totenham-Totenham-Totenham.


Sometimes I wish gambling and drinking wasn’t sin.


“e no better for James, him no go ever win any game for him life” I cursed.


James had suggested that I played Totenham to win an away match. I never wanted to stake for that game, if I didn’t, I would had won a huge sum still; to the tune of 41,567 Naira, enough to transport me to work for One and a half month.


Our office served as the morning devotion ground because it was large and could contain as much as 23 persons, little wonder the extra-large Air conditioner. Aside that, it was chosen as the morning devotion ground because it was located at the extreme, with no other office beside it except that of Mrs. Ejimmadu.


Mrs. Ejimmadu was first to arrive.

“good morning Peter!!” Good morning.

"Good morning Ma!!!"

Then came Wale, then came Mr. Ayodele, then Musa the security man, then this, then that, then Paul.

Inasmuch as Paul was all bad, he still attended morning devotion punctually, I wondered why.





The praise started. My first song was an Igbo song, second was Yoruba, then Igbo again, then Yoruba again, then English, then Yoruba, Then Pidgin, then an Urhobo song that sounded like Portuguese.

The Worship songs were Portuguese also. I say so because I knew not what I sang.


Mrs. Ejimmadu helped me out with a brand new song from her kitty; either Jamaican or Senegalese, or a combination of both.



Praise and Worship lasted about 6 minutes of the stipulated 10 minutes devotion time.


Time for prayer. I started raising prayer points that was out of this world. Prayer points like: “Let us pray that God should make our enemies and the enemies of this company to fall and die without resurrection”, “let us pray that troubles should follow our troubles”, and to crown it all up, I raised one prayer point that was directed towards losing my bet; “Let us pray that we will never again experience loss in our lives”









“guy how far!! Na canteen you dey go?” I met Wande on my way to the canteen.

“yes, na there you sef dey go?”

“make we dey go na”


“mehn!! I no hold money oh” I knew where he was headed.

“guy! No tell me make I buy food for you oh, I no get money”

“who wan tell you make you buy food?”

“ok if you no wan tell me make I buy food for you, how you go take chop, shey you go chop free?” I was curious.


“yes na, I dey chop free steady na?” He informed.

“na lie abeg!! Shey na your mama get the canteen?”

“Peter!! Dey there dey jonz, you no go open your eye”





The last time I opened my eyes, I almost lost them both. That was when Paul sat opposite me in the canteen eating one Friday afternoon. He told me to give him my piece of meat, and of course I refused vehemently.


“how I go give you my meat? Shey na you buy the food for me?” was my response.

“you no go give me abi?”

“yes!! I no go give you!!” I eyeballed him.

“na me you dey open eye for?!”

“yes na! who you be?”

“who be me abi?”

“yes! Who you be?” I was stone hearten that afternoon.

“ok, no wahala!” I thought I had won.




He finished eating the Egusi soup and walked towards my direction with a smile.

I frowned in return.

Before Eze went to school and returned, Paul had rubbed of the Egusi soup particles in his unwashed hands on my eyes.

Instantly, I felt what it was like being a Steve Wonders.

I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t cry, I couldn't laugh too. All I could do at that moment was to “humble myself”, and I did that perfectly because the "three beauties" of Customer relation Department were eating in the table right behind me.


“Flow!! wash your hand, use the hand clean your eyes” I imagined my hand as a healing hand.


I did what my spirit lead me to; washed my hands in the watery Ogbono soup, and to my eyes it went. That made me looked more like Peter Cech the Chelsea goalkeeper with the mask; i mean the Ogbono soup on my face.



It was the same three beauties that I thought were laughing at me that led me to the washing hand basin were I regained my sight, although i heard one of them laughed. Thank God the number of people present at the canteen that afternoon when I got blind was just 4; the ladies and me.


Paul had disappeared into thin air.


“guy open your eye oh!”

“how na?”

“see, shebi you know say na after them don serve you food nahim them go say make you pay?”

“ehen!”

“so, when you collect your food, you go do like say you put your hand for your pocket, when them don dey serve the next person, you go waka go your seat go sidon dey chop”


“ehen!! You sure say them no go notice say you never pay?”

“you don forget say the person wey dey serve food, no be the same person wey dey collect money?” That was true.

“I don even collect change for money wey I no pay, I collect 200 naira because I tell them say I don give them 500 naira, them no know” He narrated.


“guy!! You be bad guy!!”

“naso na, I be sharp guy!” Sharp indeed, I wished I was sharper.









“so you wan try am?” he asked.



“yes na!!”

“correct!! I go give you scope wey you go use” He offered.

“thank you my man!”









Little did I know………………………………………………………

ritababe:
ok sir

How i go take get am na? Is it through courier?

ritababe:
@flow1759
today is my birthday

Happy happy birthday




I don't want birthday cake, I want Beans and Bread (BB).

After office hours........


“Paul!! Paul!! I dey warn you oh, give me my money oh”


“why I go give you, shebi na you go tell people say I dey piss for bed!”

“na lie? You no dey piss for bed?”




At 32 Paul’s bed was always wet. He slept on a water bed every night; according to Amos.


We were told by Amos that Paul’s dad was a “babalawo”, and that he had exchanged his son’s ability to pee for more powers. Amos told us that Paul will continue to bed wet as far as his dad remained a member of a secret cult.






Amos also told us of how Paul made a mess of himself when he brought a P'rostitute home for sex.


According to Amos, this was what transpired : Paul brought a p’rostitute home for sex, and as big as his “thing” was, it couldn’t insert into the “wide well” of the p’rostitute, so he tried forcing it in.




“Sheowole!!” He asked.

“No oh, try harder, your thing is too big!”




Two minutes of trial and error.

“why is your thing too big? Try harder!!!”



“shoya were ni? I dey tell you say something no dey enter, you dey tell me say my thing too big”

“shey I no dey use my thing enter other girls t’oto? Ask Monica na?” Monica was the name of another p’rostitute. *She will be introduced later*



“so you no want make my thing enter abi? After I don pay you?”

“no be my fault na!!”


Paul left the p’rostitute and went to his kitchen and came back few minutes later.



“how we go do am na?” The p’rostitute asked.

“we must do am oh” He brought out his thing that appeared bigger.

“bros!! wetin you do the thing, I dey talk say your thing too big nahim make e no enter, you go make am big more”



“common lie down!!” Paul pushed her to the bed.

“bros wetin I do na, your thing no gree enter na, and I no hold your money here, e dey for our office” Their office rule was “pay before service”, how draconian.

Paul had paid for sex in advance at their corporate office. he paid for what he never bargained for; skimmed by the p'rostitute to make him look at it face to face but can't have it.


The Rule: You pay, and even if after the service is rendered you are not satisfied, you complain, there will be a refund. But if after service is rendered, and you enjoyed it, tips are highly welcomed. Wherever the pendulum bob swung to, the P’rostitutes gets 55 percent of your pay. Fair enough!!


But not fair enough for p’rostitutes like the one Paul took home that evening.




“so wetin Paul com do the girl na?” I asked the day Amos narrated the story.

“mehn!! Flow you sabi ask nonsense Question ehn!!”

“wetin be the nonsense question wey I ask now?”

“him cook soup for on top her body”

“ehen!! Which kin soup?” my brain traveled.

“na why I no dey like tell you any story” Amos said.

“me too, I no dey like hear your story, you no sabi talk story” That was the direct opposite of who Amos was; He was an excellent narrator.


“no mind Flow jor!! continue” James said tapping Amos.





“paul knack the girl sotey………………………”




“sotey the girl get k-lag” Amos narrated like he saw it happened.




“guy you go trek go house today oh, I no go give you this your transport money”





I have heard severally of office bully, I never knew I would be a victim of it.



“Paul I dey warn you oh!!”

“I dey warn you!”

“who you dey warn? na me?” He pulled my head close to the Dreaded standing Air conditioner that stood in our office; close to my desk.



I had campaigned, rioted, revolted against that A/C positioned right above my head, all to no avail.


The A/C had been my worst nightmare since I resume work.



I will never forget the day I caught seizure because of the effect of the A/C on my head.

The funny thing about that A/c was that the lowest was higher than the highest; yet the highest could freeze an Eskimo.

And if you put it off, you will sure sweat a bucket.

That day, my brain got froze that I walked and spoke like a Robot.


“Wetin do your neck na?” Sola asked as we met while I walked outside to take some fresh air to melt my froze brain.


“nothing oh, I just dey practice how to match” I stiffed by neck and swung my hands like I was in the Army matching.

“who send you to match na?”

“guy I no know?” I was blunt.


Sola and the receptionist laughed so hard at me, but “I no send them”.



As I got downstairs, I shook my head, to confirm it still contained water.


My fingers were shaking, I couldn’t grab , in fact, I just couldn’t feel my hands.


“flow you don dey die be that oh!” I told myself.






“Flow how far na! you don see Paul” Wande offered a handshake which i ignored.

“Paw Paw?” I asked.

“which Paw Paw?”

“I no say Paw paw!! I say Paul!!”


On hearing "Paul", my Liver froze and my Kidney melted.

He had promised to steal my wrist watch and I had summoned courage hiding it were it would be difficult for him to steal; I tucked it in the sucks I wore.



“guy! I no see Paul!!” I spoke.

“Flow! Why you dey sweat like this na?” Wande said.


I wasn’t sweating alone, it looked like I had peed on my p'ants as I saw that my “chieftaincy” axis was wetter than a tropical rain forest.

“you say you no see Paul? But I saw him coming towards this direction na!”

“Guy! I no fit see useless people like Paul abeg”


“ok, see am dey come”



“who be useless person?” A hand grabbed my wrist from nowhere.



That hand had my wrist watch on.

I earned a take home that wasn’t enough even to take me home after withdrawing the whole of it on pay day.


“Sola you don see alert?” I asked with a frown.

“I never see oh?” he frowned too.

“why Oga dey do like this na!!”

“and him go don pay Kel oh”

“him don pay her na, him don even buy her new phone”

“you mean am?” my mouth was ajar.

“yes na, if you see the phone ehn!!! The money wey him take buy that phone fit big pass our two salary” Sola informed.

“but why?”

“Kel no be worker like us?”

Kel was a worker, but like us, never!. She had rising to the position of a concubine worker. She and the Boss now had sex anywhere they wish, even in the car. I already saw her being second wife in no far a time.


“oboy!! I don broke oh, you fit borrow me money?” I asked.

“guy you know say I no get, even sef I dey owe plenty people money”




Truth be told, Sola had a masters degree in Borrow-borrowology - the study of the philosophy of borrowing.


I will never forget him losing his Laptop to a lender.

Paul borrowed him a sum of 25,000 naira to pay two weeks later, after the expiration of the two weeks, Sola was not able to pay, so Paul sneaked into our office one afternoon, and stole his Laptop.

“guy wetin you wan use Sola laptop do na?” I berged in on Paul while he did the “Theifing”.

“I wan go repair am for am” he answered confidently, like he spoke to someone who knew not of his pedigree.




Paul was the thief of the company, he could steal a Yam from a goat, a Bone from a dog, and even a’ss from Nikky Menage.


What baffled me about his stealing habit was that he never get caught by anyone else but Peter, Yes, Peter.




I never forget the day he stole Mrs Ejimmadu’s phone, right under her Nose.


Mrs Ejimmadu was in the same department as Paul the tall, fair, handsome guy; handsome that no one ever suspected him whenever anything was missing, except me.


Mrs Ejimmadu lay on her desk to take a little rest as it was break time. A little rest to Mrs Ejimmadu lasted between 1-2 hours, and her desk was her pillow. I will never forget the day the MD caught her sleeping and snoring in the Office. That day was the day I saw her cried more than her one year old baby. And that day was the day I knew fart could form an Orchestra.


She farted to and fro her office confused. That aside, she also farted at every step she took to the MD’s office to plead.


Paul acted as Mrs Ejimmadu’s Secretary in her Cubicle Office.

He waited for the right time to strike; that was when she just bought a phone worth 100k.

The right time to him indeed, but not truly the right time so to speak; as I saw how the whole incident unfolded.

What differentiated Our Office and that of Mrs Ejimmadu was a trnsparent glass frame.

That afternoon, Paul looked left and looked right, and left again and saw that nobody watched him, so he skillfully stole the phone. Sola saw him not because his desk backed that direction, and had I called Sola’s attention, he would have maybe dropped the phone or pretended he just wanted to have a look at it.



“I go tell” I told myself.

“abi make I first tell Sola” I asked myself.

“but Sola no get mind, him go put fear for my body” I assured.


Mrs Ejimmadu cried and farted like she had just lost a child, yet her phone had gone to it’s "real" owner never to return. A distinctive thing i liked about her farts was that it was always Zero combustion; no smell.

"why Paul go thief phone of him own oga?"

"where him go hide the phone sef?" I asked myself.


The company was shutdown for 1 hour while everybody was searched intoto.



“Guy if you tell anybody wetin you see, you don die” Paul whispered to me as we both sat in the same Keke side by side on our way to Orile bus stop.

“wetin you fit do?” I dared not said. Why? You would ask.


Reasons are not farfetched. Paul, I heard was the former leader of Eiye Confraternity in Shomolu axis where Amos live.


What marveled me was how such a thug as Paul got such a very white collar job. I was told the MD is his Cousin; what manner of Cousins that I had never seen them chatting for once.



Amos always gave us information on the evil skims Paul was always up to, and the evil he perpetrated too. I remember Amos telling us Paul arranged for the Daughter of a wealthy business tycoon to be r’aped just because she refused his advances.




Aside that, Paul had so many cockroaches in his wide cupboard. Cockroaches like; He was sleeping with the MD’s wife, he once r'aped his step sister, he smoked weed at work during break time in the toilet, he was a chronic m’ansturbator. e.t.c


I will never forget the day I caught him doing his thing in the Gents. The sensation carried him away that, he forgot the door was not shut. As I walked into the gents, I rolled out my b’lockus like a scroll, and as I took a look at what scrolled out, I advised myself it was high time I went for a b’lockus reduction surgery. From the corner of my eyes, I saw something that looked like a wallpaper hung on the extreme left, so I was like: “which day them paste wallpaper for this toilet”, “this company don dey upgrade oh!”, so I turned to take a look at the wallpaper.




And behold it was Paul.



It was Paul with a Vaseline container boxers down.



“Bros! good afternoon oh!” I greeted.

“Big Bros! good afternoon oh!” I greeted the “big bros” in between his leg.

“ehen! Can I help you?” He asked.

“no oh! I just dey greet you”


“I don hear your greeting, oya vamoose!!”

“ok! ooooh!!” I hurried zipped up, and as I was about rushing out, he said: “if anybody hear this thing ehen! I don roast you like suya”.

“vamoose!! Abi you wan join me?” he offered.




“I dey craze?” I ran out and collided with Bimbo who was hurrying to the Ladies.

estelleivie:
I almost laughed out my fallopian tube too




My first comment on NL

welcome on board

Mutaino7:
Welldone chairman... I no fit salute u reach... Nice update

weldone sir