₦airaland Forum

mehn!!!!! out of all updates so far, i like this last one most. Me wey right am laugh tayah as i read am.

vera031:
[color=#770077][/color] Nice work flow. You always find a way of putting a smile on my face. I love ur originality nd creativity.

I Pmed you. check, and when we reach there we go know.

Xp01:
Dx guy u too much joooohhrrrr.......more updated bro

You be correct jor
.

IHate9ja1:
@ flow Baba,mehn you are just muah...!
No homo

God bless, you be correct

Kemi was automatically the Head usher that Sunday since the head Usher was not present.


“Peter you will be standing at point 1 today” She said.


We had code names for every point of duty. Point 2 was Choir stand, whoever that was posted there was in charge of attending to the needs of the choristers. Why I never liked that point was because whoever stood there always had all eyes on him or her when the Choir starts ministering. But why I liked that point was because when posted there, the person posted had easy access to staring at the a’sses of the choir members. I will never forget……………………..



The day I was busy almost all through the Service staring at Mercy’s a’ss and fresh hot legs. My “Bros” stood, and that was the day I knew an erected Bros could cause havoc to a suit trousers. My Bros made a mighty eruption on my trousers that I saw my friend Solomon in the congregation laughing. If Solomon could notice it from such a distance, what about the Choir members I stood close to?





Point 3 had A and B. 3A stood in front of 3B directing worshipers to 3B, while 3B showed them where to seat. Why I hated being posted to Point 3B was because of Mrs Ezike the assistant Pastor's wife. She always sat at the seat near where point 3B was staring at either my Bros or my "Eze goes to school" shoes, or both. As for point 3A, that was Kemi's favorite; it was the point where she always positioned because she was in search of a husband, and husbands to be where so much in abundance seated there.


Then there is 4A and 4B, there is also 5A, 5B and 5C. Amongst all these points, my favorite was point 6.



Point 6 had no A and B; it was the point of entrance to the church auditorium. Whoever that was posted there served as the door boy that opened the door for worshipers and a Welcome officer that shook hands with worshipers and said: “you are welcome to service” with a smile.


How can I forget the day I was slapped by a chubby man just because I shook hands with his wife. Service was almost disrupted because of the dirty slap I received. A slap was not enough, he followed up with a blow to my stomach.

Since i was the only Handsome usher and because of my built, I was not banned from being posted to Point 6, rather I was posted the more to the point with a warning never to shake a woman.


Last but not the least is Point 1. Like point 6, it had no A and B. I dreaded it like a plague. It was the most crucial of them all; the person posted there stood in between the pulpit and the Minister’s seat. For someone to qualify to be posted there, he or she must be “sainter” than Saint Obi.


How can i forget the day I was flung by the power of the anointing and I found myself landing on the l’aps of the the Pastor’s wife.

My weight and hers was so heavy on the chair she sat on that it broke and we fell “yakata” to the floor. What made most of the congregation thought I intentionally chose to land on the Pastor’s wife or that I faked being under the power of the anointing was when they saw that my head was on the top of her b’reast. But only God knows I never faked it.


Since that day I told myself that instead of me to agree to be posted to Point 1, I had better go back home.




“Kemi I want to go home, I am not feeling fine, I can't work today” The hypochondriac part of Flow spoke

“ahaaaaan! Peter what is wrong with you?”

I thought of Malaria to be so mild an illness and I forgot there was an illness known as Typhoid, so I anwered: “Syphilis!!!!!!”

“Syphi what??” Blessing and Emmanuel exclamated.



As I realized the gravity of what I said I thought how best I could bend the word “syphilis”, so I said: “no oh! I mean syphilomus”

“Peter!!! Which one be Sypilomus again?” John asked.

“na disease na, una never hear am before?”

“we never hear and oh, abi na you be the scientist wey bring that one?” Blessing said.

“hahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!” they all started laughing at me.

“na una know that one oh”



“hahahahahah!!” they continued laughing, except for Kemi who was busy packaging her tithe in her tithe card.


Kemi was a frequent tithe payer as myself, but one thing I liked not was the fact that she advertized it for everyone who cared to see she was paying her tithe, while when I paid mine I felt like just dropping it and fleeing because there were some set of people that could tell the content of one’s tithe card just by looking at it.







***I know your next question will be; so Flow you pay tithe too? Well, sorry to disappoint you, I do, even up till this moment I type, I still do. Some of your will ask further; How can Flow the Gambler, the drunk, the fornicator, the all what not be a paying tithe? My answer is short and simple; there are so many places people pay their tithe unknowingly, don’t you think it’s best you pay it to the one that gave you breath, the one that kept you sound, because, yes, we know we are all sinners, so running away from the one that cleans such sins is like two wrongs that will definitely not make a right. And don’t you ask me what the tithes are used for; I don’t care? Didn’t the Bible say: “...........that there should be meat in the House”?







“Enough!!!!!!” Kemi cut the laughter.




“since he said he is not feeling fine, what we need to do for him is to pray for him and not to laugh at him”

“abi oh!! Leave them make them dey laugh”

“ok let us pray as we are about to go start the duty for today that God should strengthen us” Kemi said.


“Emmanuel lead us in prayer” I thought my ears had failed me.




Emmanuel was the founding Father of an association known as Association of Stammerers Worldwide (ASW), not only that, he was also the Chairman of World Baptism Association (WBA ); I mean baptism of saliva of course.





A prayer that was suppose to take just 2minutes took about 10 minutes plus extra time. Not only that, Emma’s prayers baptized us all delivering me from the spirit of Syphilomus.







“Amen!!!” We all chorused.


“Emma you forgot to prayer for Peter that is not feeling fine”

“oooooooooo ok!! Let us praaaaaaaaaaaay! For brotheeeeeeeeeer Peeeeeeeeter” I thought he was reciting Togo’s national Anthem.











After Emma’s prayer of deliverance from the spirit of Syphilomus, I left for home to possible go take drugs to cure Syphilomus the fear of the anointing Power.

seuncyber:
Keep the good work going
It will be nice if you can update 4 times a day

Good work flow keep it going

e no be as you think am oh. One sef na WAEC, i go try sha.

Truth be told, I was hating Kel on per seconds count. He slept with almost everything on trousers that worked in both Wilo Security company and Wilo Courier services limited.


“oboy ee!!!!!! If you see wetin my eye see as I enter office today ehnn!!!” Segun said as we sat to drink at Mama Sikiru’s bar.

“wetin you say you see sef?” Amos asked as he put on his antenna to pick reception. His ears was not only as big as an antenna, it was also as big as a Satellite dish of those days.

While Amos’s ears were bigger than two Cassava leaves put together, mine was as small as Peanut.


“oboy as I come back from hustle today, as I reach office, na so I see say office door dey open, I kukuma no knock, I just enter like that”

“ehen!!!!! Wetin come happen?” I was really curious.

“no dey rush me na!!! allow me make I yan”

“no mind Flow jor, yan!!”

“As I enter office, naso Kel rush come block me as I wan enter Oga office go tell am good evening”

“why she block you na?” I asked.

“Flow!!! I don tell you make you no dey rush me” He warned.

“Segun no mind am jor, continue to dey yan”

“oboy as the girl block me, nahim I com look see say she wear only b.ra”

“eheeeeeeeen!!”

“I first think say she just finish run inter house sports, because if you see as she dey sweat?!!”

“why na?”

“oboy I no know oh, but as i push her comot for road com enter oga office naso i see say Oga kpatakpata dey try to botton him shirt, na there I com know say the thing wey dem dey do pass inter house sport”

“dem dey do kerewa”

“Kel skirt zip dey down sef”

“ehen!!!! Nawa oh!!!”

“so our Oga dey browse for Kel Cyber café?” I saw Amos’s ears grew bigger.

“guy him dey chop her Kpomo oh, and you know the one wey funny?”

“wetin!!!!?”

“As them see me enter the office naso two of them begin dey explain wetin I no ask them”

“Oga first say:---- eeennh, the room is hot------ room wey no hot, room we AC dey on”

“Kel come dey begin dey tell me say she dey do exercise oh”


“hahahahahahah!” I and Amos laughed.

“Exercise on top her Oga, hahahahahahah!”



“but why oga go dey chaet on him wife na?”

“I no know oh”

“and him wife fine well well no be small”




Mr Wole’s wife was really a beauty to behold; best described as an elder sister to Genevieve Nnaji the actress. I will never forget the day I introduced her as my Girlfriend to my friend Bola.




I drove Mrs Akeju in her Toyota Camry 2.2 car one Saturday, and as we ran short of Fuel, we drove into one filling station somewhere in Festac. As I stepped out to tell the attendant my request, I saw someone stepped out of another car. He was my Friend Bola that I met while I was in Osun state serving.


“Flow how far na!!!”

“Bola the footballer!!! How far na!!!” We shook hands and hugged.

“guy you don turn big boy oh, na you get this car?” The car he drove was a Honda “karishi M’agana”.
In Hausa language, Karishi M’agana is not a type of food but a make of Honda car. It means “End of discussion”.


I was told Honda car manufacturing company ended all their discussions pertaining manufacturing of cars, so they threw away all their manufacturing equipment and named the last car they manufactured “End of discussion”. A discussion they later continued.





“na you get this end of discussion?”

“na me oh, na this one wey I just dey manage for now”

“guy you call this one manage?!!”

“na better motor na, e make sense well”

“you nko, na you get this one?” He pointed at the Toyota Camry 2.2 I parked.



Since I never wanted to “fall my hand” I answered: “eeeeeehn!! Na me get am oh, I just dey mange am oh”

“you be correct!!!!”

“what of that babe wey dey inside, na your babe abi?” He pointed at Mrs Akeju seated at the front seat. She always liked sitting by my side while i drove, i couldn't tell why.



Since I needed not to “fall my hand” also, I whispered; “eeeeeeeeeh!!!!!! Yes oh na my babe oh, I just dey manage her”

“which kin manage? guy the babe fine jor”

“naso I see am oh”






Before I could say Damaturu, Mrs Akeju came out of the car and Bola spilled the Beans.



“Flow you no go introduce me to your babe?”

“which babe?” I almost denied.



Before I could say another Danmaturu again, Bola stretched out his hand to shake my Boss’s wife.

“no be my babe oh!!!” I almost said.

“introduce me to him na!! am i not your babe?” Mrs Gladys smiled.






But again instead of “falling hands” I said: "why not? you are my lovely baby!!!!" My legs started shaking like I was a Jelly Fish.



“eeeeeeeeh!!!!! Gladys meet Bola my lost but found Friend since service year, Bola meet Gladys, she is my…………………………………….”

“.....girlfriend!!!” Mrs Gladys helped me answered.






As we drove home that evening, Mrs Gladys quoted from Genesis to Revelation of the Bible to me, and turned the car into a Pulpit.

1miccza:
You don forget person wey u dey chat with well that's cool...

I no forget you Na. The thing be say e get person wey been wan do me wayo because I give am my number for this site. OK no wahala, I go give u. Pm me

1miccza:
How far?send your digits now I change phone abeg maybe mail abeg

Wetin you need am for na?

There was a guy named Sola.

He was formerly in charge of the of Wilo Security company, then he was posted to join us even though he wasn’t a novice when it came to delivery of parcels.

He was representing our company in First Lead Registrar company; therefore he was given an office there, so one Peter would never make the mistake of collecting Parcels without Envelopes. His Duty was to make sure our deliveries are collected and sent to their destination as quick as possible.

Sola was a typical “suffer head” fellow, he worked almost round the clock for Mr Akeju just to earn 50k per month. Half of his Salary went to transportation as Surulere was far from where he stayed, and the other half went to Kel.




Wilo Security company was a Big security company based in Lagos that secured the premises of big conglomerates and small "one man businesses". I had once appealed to our boss to teach the security boys Martial arts, he refused, saying he couldn’t pay, unless it was free.

What wondered me so much was why Wilo security company had more hungry looking skinny boys than bot bellied security boys.

I call them boys because they couldn’t even chase a cockroach not to talk of chasing thieves.


Talking of thieves and I remember Amobi.

Amobi kicked the bucket in a rather gory way. He was the only one on duty one night in a store of Cement in Oshodi. Amobi was stabbed as he tried to resist the men on black from robbing the store of some bags of cement. Amobi was matcheted from all part of his body; left, right and centre, I wondered the kind of machete that was used to slice him like sliced bread.



I could barely recognize it was Amobi, as it was like his body swam in the pool of his own blood. We got to know about his death when one afternoon……………………………….







“hello!!! Who am I speaking to?” We were at the office when our Boss received a call.


“what!!! What happened to him”

“who killed him?”

“when?”

“how” My Boss asked so many questions.





After the call: “Amobi have been killed by Armed robbers” Mr Akeju informed.

“what!!!!” I left my mouth ajar.






Amobi was my friend indeed. The friend I ran to when I was broke, the friend that taught me how to swim. I will never forget the day I was almost eaten by mermaids when I visited Amobi’s Village somewhere in Oguta one Christmas period.

It was a hot afternoon so Amobi suggested we go swimming. I told him I knew not how to swim but he insisted we go offering to teach me if I was willing to learn. I was willing to learn indeed but a bit scared. We got to his Village River and he first of all informed me the River had so many mermaids but that the mermaids were mild.

I agreed to be tutored by Amobi, so the swimming class began. Before then, I had told Amobi I had no swimming trunk, so he suggested we go buy one from the woman that sold such near the river. What I wore as swimming trunk looked like what Pinky wore in “the pinky and the Brain” cartoon series.

“guy this your p’ant fine oh” Amobi said gibberish.

“which kin fine?”

"see b'lockus oh!!!! hahahahaha!" some guys that were also swimming laughed at me. And some girls also.


Swimming lessons had gone half way with the p’ant I wore swaying to the left revealing my Fish Roll wholly, and I thought I saw a Fish came to take a bite of my “Big hot Fish Roll”. I looked again to see what I saw wasn’t a Fish but some sea weeds..

“Amobi eeeeeh!! My p’rick don hang ohh!!!” I cried.

“wetin hang you p’rick na, abeg swim dey follow me jor!!!”

“you dey craze, I dey tell you say my p’rick don hang, you dey tell me say make I dey swim dey come, abi I go swim without my p’rick?!!”

“oboy comot your p’rick for this water oh, this Mami Water dem dey like boys wey get big p’rick oh, and I know say you get big p’rick”

“you dey craze” I cursed.

“you think say I dey lie abi?” My p’enis was now free and i thanked God.

I was free but not permanently. I never knew the mermaids had taken a picture of my Fish roll and they needed to take a bite each.






“oboy make your leg go up and make your hand dey move like this” He showed me how to learn swimming easier.






20 minutes and I had really learnt a lot.

“ok I go go stay for down down, you go swim come meet me there, you hear?” He went too far.

“oboy e don do na, that place wey you dey dey too far oh”

“try na, you go fit do am” He cheered me.

I never knew he was encouraging me to my grave.

“oboy I no fit come abeg jor” I discouraged myself.

“kia!!!!! you be big boy, swim come jor”.


I had drank about 40litres of the salt water when I realized I was drowning, it was like someone was dragging my both legs; a mermaid i guessed.

The number of mermaids dragging my leg increased to about two thousand, it was like a whole battalion of Mami waters were after my Fish roll.


“Lord take my hands!!!” I stretched out my right hand to my maker. He grabbed my hands to rescue me as I was about breathing my last.





It was after I was brought out of the water and after i threw up about 72 liters of what looked like a combination of Kerosene and Water that I realized it was actually Amobi that saved me; Amobi and some good swimmers friends of his.


“so Amobi don go”

“Amobi ana!!!!!!”

“Amobi Nlo!!!!!!!!” We all exclamated.

“I must get to the root of this!!!! I must find out who killed Amobi”




Few minutes of gloomy quietness, the Boss suddenly sent I and Segun on a rather absurd errand.



“Peter you and Segun should go and deposit the Body because the caller told me it already stinks, while I and kel go and report the incident to the Police”







“them dey deposit dead body for bank?” Segun the Illiterate

FoxyFlow:
Na wa oh... Oya, here is my digit... 07017330864

Ok, i got it, i will give you a call

1miccza:
Flow meen where you go hide since??Na wa ooo

See me here

Realgana:
Dont tell me you dont have his digits,person wey una do collabo together?

I had it, but my phone have been stolen twice since then.

have anybody seen foxyflow my friend?

jditimiya:
F---- for flow who can make u flow to point that flowing will became part of u. flow has made my flow to be flowing with others that has come across him while he was flowing in nairaland "man way dey reason" to IBO boy who like yourba girl. and now is flowing and snowing at the same time like me. But flow na the part where your johnbull the act I dey like pass because u go flow am like say we dey watch when the act is going on. Please guys who can tell me how many babes flow johnbull down float inside since you know am? flow keep flowing as I dey put my 1789 for my mouth big guy. Na your boy from another barrack close to MP gate lol. keep it strong and hot.

jditimiya, you be correct.

i wish we could met.

I had always dreamt of being a billionaire like Bassey and company, or better still Uba and Company.


“oboy how much you chop for Nairabet?” Jame asked as we left the office.

“na just 4k”

“eeeh make we go drink beer for Mama Sikiru place na” He suggested.

“how many bottle you wan drink?” I was ready to offer him as much as 5 bottles, i was celebrating being saved by the bell.

“oboy na just 2 I want oh, and maybe one more for the road, I no well” The “I no well” cliche had stuck to the tongue of virtually all of us, including Kel.





“oboy you see as Kel for put me for wahala?” I narrated my ordeal with Kel to James, erasing some part i wanted his ears not to hear.

“oboy eeeeh!! No be small thing oh”

“guy I go organize boys make them flog her well well”




Kel had almost caused me my job, and my head also.


I went to the Registrar company that gave us jobs to collect some parcels to be delivered by our company the next day, little did I know I carried parcels without envelopes. I got to the office and Kel was like: “Mr Peter, are you sure you went to school?”

“what is the meaning of that?” I asked.

“Are you sure you are not a dummy?” Kel sounded abusive.

“what? What insult!!”

“I mean, it is only a Mumu that will go to collect Parcels without checking if there were envelopes enclosed”

“come this girl, why you dey insult me, I be your mate!!!” She was my age mate for sure, but a boy is always older than a girl; like my grand mum always said.

“you can’t be my mate, I am never mates with I’mbeciles like you!!!!”

“you call me an I’mbecile!!! I go beat yo……….."

”you can’t do more than a dead rat” She threatened.


Since I could do more even Ten dead rats, I raised my hand to give her a dirty slap. She burst into tears instantly, making my hand to hang on the air.


“ooooooh!!!! Shebi your mouth dey sharp!!! I never beat you you don dey cry”

“I will call Oga and tell him that you are beating me” She threatened.

“call am now, him na God?” I brought down my hanging right hand.

“ok!! I will tell him that you slapped and kicked me”

“lie lie!!! I no slap you oh!! I no kick you oh” I was a little bit fidgety.

“you slapped me!!!” She argued.



She picked up her phone and started dialing Mr Wole’s Number, and something told me that moment that the call was going through, two things would be involved if that call had went through; either I lose my job, or I ended up in the Police station for laying hands on a woman; a weaker virtue like my Boss always said, little wonder his creator gave him all "weaker virtues" as children.


Mr Wole Akeju had always kicked against abusing women not to talk of beating them, what baffled me was that he never practiced what he preached when it came to his wife. But he did when it came to his children.


I will never forget the day, James was locked behind bars just because he told Funmi : “you must be s'tupid for telling me all my reports are bad”

Funmi gave him two hot slaps that sent him spinning like a Big wheel. As James was about to send his "cheek cracking" slap to Funmi, I and Amos held him and dragged him out. He promised to throw us both from upstairs if we don't leave him to retaliate, even as I saw he had the muscular strength to do so, I still held him tight while the coward Amos freed him due to fear. ”Amos hold am na!!! make our two hold am na, abi you want make him go back inside go slap that girl!!” I wanted Amos to join me otherwise I ended up downstairs with dislocated bones.





I and Amos left James for our houses because James threatened to stab us with a very sharp wood he held if we came close to him.




I was told, when Mr Akeju arrived to the office, Funmi told him all what happened, garnishing the story with sweet lies. Before then, I had pleaded with James for him to quickly leave the office premises and go get fortress in the Cantonment as the Police would have no jurisdiction there, he refused, saying he would wait downstairs at Mama Sikiru’s Bar until Funmi comes down and he would deal with her mercilessly. He waited at the Bar drinking for ages as Funmi remained upstairs with the office door locked. It didn’t take the Police a long time to locate him as Kel had already informed them before they came that the guy in question was putting on a Red shirt and that he was at the Bar downstairs drinking and watching TV at the same time. Kel gave out all the needed information for James to be arrested not only because she so much hated the person of James, but also because the Boss rained fire and brimstone when he arrived, and the already drunk James never sighted him when he drove in and walked upstairs.

James held a bottle of Big Alomo when he was arrested, so i was told.







“I will tell him you slapped me twice, and kicked me three times” She had started dialing.


“plssssssss! Don’t call him” I collected the phone from her and hung up the call. But it seemed Mr Wole had already picked, so he called back immediately.



“Kel, what is the problem?” The caller asked.

“eeeeeeeeh!!!!” I tried to figure how best I could change my voice not only to sound like a female's but to also sound perfectly like that of Kel.


“Sir, no problem, I just want to tell you Peter has brought the parcels” I got her voice perfectly. Or so I thought.

“is that why you flashed me?”

“I flashed because I had no much airtime to call”

“So you have finished all the 750 naira card I gave you yesterday?”

“no Sir………”

“no what? So I will load your phone and you will use it to call your numerous boyfriends abi?”

“which Boyfriend!!!” The shock made me mistakenly changed my voice back to its original state.

“give me my phone oh!!!!” Kel shouted at the background on hearing “boyfriend”.

I swiftly put my hands on her mouth to shut her up.

“whose phone are you using?” Mr Wole asked.

“eeeeehn, nobody, it’s the TV” I had forgotten the Tv in the office was bad.

“Kel!! Is this you? why is your voice sounding like this?” He was suspecting it wasn't Kel speaking.

“it’s me Sir, I have cold, and catarrh and it is affecting my voice” I had forgotten it was dry season.

“ok, did Peter bring the complete parcels?” he asked.

“yes I did…………. Sorry, yes he did” I almost messed up everything.

“but he didn’t bring the envelopes, he forgot it there”

“what b’astard!!! Tell the I’diot to fly there now and get the envelopes before closing hour, or else he is dead, ok?”

"He is dead" meant my job was gone.

"is that clear?"

“yes sir!!!!” He angrily hung up.




Since I had no wings to fly, I pleaded with Kel to lend me money for transport as the money with me would not be enough to take me half way to Surulere.





“before I will give you any money you must kneel down and apologize for wanting to beat me”

“no wahala!!! If na that one, I go do am” I knelt down and pleaded none stop.

“ok, now that you are kneeling down, I want you to do as the Nursery pupil would, I want you to raise up your both hands and close your eyes”


I did exactly as she commanded, seizing my breathe in addition.



“this is the money, but, One more thing!!! I want you to take off your trousers”

“for what na!!!” I yelled.

“for what abi? For the fact that if I call Oga and tell him you beat me so much, you will end up in the police net” She picked up her phone to call.






“sorry na!!! don’t call him, I will do it”

“that’s my boy!!!”



“not only that, I want you to also remove your boxers, I want to see how big your p’enis have grew since I last saw it”




“what!!! Why na!!! but but but!! Someone might be watching”

“common!!! you and I know there is no one else in this office but the two of us”

“or do you want me to call him?”

I wanted to answer “yes call him”, but as I glanced at the wall clock and saw that the time was 3:49 and it would take me some 2hours to get to Surulere all things being equal, and also that I needed to get the envelopes to the office that day come what may, I agreed.


I agreed to allow her see how big my Qatara depression was.





To my greatest surprise, as i removed my dirty but "not smelling" boxers, my Qatara depression was really really depressed.



“hahahahha!! Nwanyi Ofe m’manu emela otu gi k’odi ntii” She spoke in Igbo as she carresed the cap of the Qatara depression. But it still remained depressed.


***For none Igbos, she said Funmi was the cause of my depressed “Chairman”***




“you had better leave that girl Funmi, or you will wake up one morning and find out that you have no p’enis again, hahahahahahaha!” She laughed.




Talk of the Devil, then she came opening the door without knocking.

where is my friend foxy?

Emmeritus:
dem don postpone election na

I just heard so

Emmeritus:
still i pollow:Weldone flow

Weldone Emmeritus, i see you. Thank you for reading.


BTW who will you vote for come next Saturday? and tell me your reasons.

August 5th was the birthday of Mr Wole Akeju.

It was a cloudy Saturday afternoon, the Boss stepped out putting on Red and White combination, and in addition to his white beard, he looked like he was from the linage Santa Claus.

Everybody at Wilo Courier Services must be around to celebrate the Birthday in the house.

The Delicacies were numerous, from Moi Moi to Fried Rice to Agidi jellof to Ewa to Paw Paw to Sugar cane, to Apple to Agege bread to Roasted Fish to Buscuits to Ground nut to Gigantic pieces of Meat, to even Chewing gum. And of course the drinks served that day were none alcoholic drinks just because some Pastor friends of Mr Akeju were there present.

I sat in between James and Amos farting from time to time. If only the leather seat could speak, it could have screamed for help.

Even if it screamed, no one would have heard it’s cry because the room was a beehive.



“next week Saturday na my own Birthday” Amos said.

“are you serious!!!”

“yes na, na my birthday be next Saturday”

“hope say you go celebrate am well?” James asked.

“I go celebrate am well for sure, shayoo go plenty”

“Flow you no dey smoke again na, smoke go plenty there” Amos promised.



I had told myself the truth that M’arijuana smokers were liable to die young. The memory of the death of Yona my friend was still fresh in my mind.



Yona smoked more than Chimney, he was the only dealer of M’arijuana that the WHO approved, he was even affiliated to World M’arijuana Association (WMA), as a matter of fact, his house was the WMA liaison Office in Nigeria. He had once told us that he could smoke forty jumbo wraps of weed in a day which we never doubted and that if he dies his friends should cremate his body and smoke the ashes.

And death he got. It was like he saw his death. I foresaw it when he started falling sick every week, but what made me confirmed my curiosity that his sickness was really severe was when his outer skin began to peel off. Since there was no money for major treatment, he was treated with herbs by Baba Ogbomosho’s.


I cried when Yona told us when we went to visit him in his sick bed that he wished he was never a smoker, that we should all quit smoking for our own good. He also told us that we should pray for him he would love to make heaven. Heaven of Smokers I suppose, where there will be angels like Tupac.


I heed to Yona’s advice but Segun never listened; he smoked the more.






“where Segun?” I asked.

“him dey that A’boki place” it was the same A’boki I ran to his shop the other day that Funmi’s Mum caught us in their Matrimonial bed. And the same A’boki I ran to be sheltered because it was raining after I had s’ex with Ife and hid in the wardrobe. In both Occasions, the A’boki had been helpful, but it was in the occasion of the latter that he was more helpful.



As the carpenters came into Ife’s room without knocking, Ife commanded them to get out of her room and go wait until she asked them to come. They sat in the sitting room waiting while I hurriedly dressed up and left the room. As I got to the sitting room, one of the carpenters whispered something to the ears of the other and they both burst into laughter. “wetin dey make this ones laugh?” I asked myself, but as I got outside, I realized why they laughed.


It was raining heavily, so I swiftly ran to the shop of the A’boki for shelter, but again as I got to his shop, he started laughing. “A’boki wetin dey make you laugh na?”, “walahi!! See your trouser”.

That was when I realized I had worn Ife’s trousers that looked like mine.


The jean trouser really looked like mine, and since the room was a bit dark, I wore it without even feeling how tight it was. The worse part of the whole thing was that I even wore the trouser inside out making me look like Winnie the pooh. I tried to reach Ife on phone to tell her to help me bring my trouser, but she never picked. So after the rain, I asked the A’boki to show me a place where I could change to the front of the trouser, he showed me a place at the back of his shop. After I changed, I concluded that the front side was a bite manageable, but as I came out, the A’boki laughed hard saying “see your n’yash”. At that moment, I had been infected by a disease called “Ikebe Super”. That was when it was revealed to me why an a’ssless girl like Ife grew a little a’ss when she wore Jean trousers.

“A'boki stop to dey laugh me na, na condition make me dey like this oh!”

“ok! I no go laugh you again” But he giggled.

He increased the gear of the laughter to gear 5 when I brought out my handkerchief to rub off the the droplets of water on my face.

My handkerchief was something else, it had changed to Ife’s p’anties; the same panties that hung on my face in the wardrobe.

“wayoh!!!! Alah!!!!! Walahi this Ikebe don fut you por trouble, ooooooh oh Ikebe, Ikebe!!!! Ooooooh oh Ikebe!!!!” He sang a Hausa version of the Famous “Ikebe” song by Sunny Nneji.


I walked out of his shop in shame as he ushered me out with the “Ikebe” song. I boarded a bike that took me straight to my doorstep. Seeing that my Dad was in the sitting room, I followed the back door that led to the Kitchen and met with my cousin who started laughing uncontrollably.








We left the crowded sitting room of the Akejus and strolled out to the A’boki’s shop to see Segun smoking weed.

“my priend, my priend!!! Ikebe man!!” The A’boki had invented a new name for me.

“A’boki shebi I don warn you say make you no dey call me that name” I warned.

“Flow why him dey call you Ikebe man?” Segun asked.

“nothing oh, him just start to dey call me name wey I no know of” I lied.

I never wanted anyone to know what I went through in the hands of the dare devils Ife and Funmi, not even Segun who was the crush of both Ladies.



“Flow you go help me write one text message wey I go send give Funmi abeg” Segun pleaded. Segun was so Illiterate a boy that he could barely write a simple text message, but the Ladies Loved him anyway.


“which kind of text message?” I asked.

“text message wey go tell her say I dey sorry, say the girl wey she see me with na my Cousin”


“which girl she see you with sef” Amos asked.

“na Bilikisu oh”

“Bilikisu!!!!!!!” We all shouted at the same time.

“yes na, na Bilikisu” Segun answered.

“no wahala, I go help you compose one nice text” I promised.


“Sege give me igbo make I kiss jor” said Amos.

“me too I go like kiss oh” They all sat to smoke.

Since I had quit smoking and I promised never to return, I left them.



Soon I was in the sitting room munching Apple. I was so much interested in the Apples because since I was born I could count the number of times I had ate Apples; Seven or Eight times, at most Nine times.


I grew up in an environment that saw eating Apples as luxury, while buying Paw Paw in the market was regarded as s’tupidity because Paw Paw was so much in abundance in the Cantonment; it grew like unwanted weed.




“you need Paw Paw” Tolu asked as she passed me the tray of Paw Paw.

“no thank you, I don’t like Paw Paw”.


I had started hating Paw Paw Fruit because my blood stream was full of it. Taking Paw Paw to the cantonment was like taking Coal to Newcastle.
I will never forget eating Paw Paw and Rice, eating Paw Paw and Bread, eating Paw Paw and dried Fish, and my Dad sometimes ate Paw Paw and Kola nut.

“why don’t you like Paw Paw” Tolu asked.

"it is too sugary" I answered.

"but it is highly nutritious" Tolu winked.


Tolu was the last daughter of the Akejus. She was in SS3 at that time. She had very very beautiful friends. She was kind hearted, tall, s’exy, out spoken, pure white eyes and teeth, brilliant, but……………………………





She was an Albino.






If there are two kind of Ladies I can never marry, even if a gun was put to my head, they are……………………………






Albino Ladies and Tribal marked Ladies.




Don’t ask me why.





When we reach there, you go know why.

Psalmwise:
WEldon bro...,u re onderful


Lolx...,u re d bomb

Thank you.

Mind you there is still much of this story to be told, but I have little time daily to post.

I haven,t even introduced the person of Snow

Captain Flow got to the field when it was half time break.

Retired captain Flow I mean to say.


I was the ex-captain of “The Barry Boys” football club. “The Barry Men” I mean to say. The club was formerly known as “The Barry Boys” football club, not until the likes of Sir White came and the name changed because they felt as Military men, they were not boys but men. Men that suffered a lot of dribbles in the hands of the so called “boys”. In the legs i mean to say.


I will not forget the day Michael intoxicated Dogo with skillful dribbles. All was well until Michael arrived the Cantonment gate late the next night when Dogo was on duty. According to Michael, this was what transpired: “Where youraa gate pass?”

“see am here?” Michael showed him.

Dogo looked keenly at the gate pass and said; “this na pake gate fass”

“my gate fass no be pake?” he spoke in Dogo's intonation. And that was the beginning of what caused problem.

“I dey make a mockery of me kwooo!!” Dogo got angry.

“I no dey make a monkey of you” Michael added salt to injury and it really pained Dogo.

“I dey call me Monkey kwooo?”

“oya begin to dey prog jump”

“I no sabi prog jump”

“I no sabi prog jump kwoooo? Ba wahala!!”

Dogo brought out the Horse whip aka Kobobo and landed one on Michael’s back saying; “I sweet you!”

Just that one whip was really a sweetener to Michael’s back that made him danced Snake dance.
The Koboko gave Michael the inspiration he needed to do about 200 Frog jumps, Prog jump rather.




The same Michael was the Captain of our club. The captain that took over from Captain Flow.




Flow’s regime as a captain was fun filled. In Flow’s regime, Zobo drink was shared at half time to players, while in Captain Michael’s regime just water was shared. In Captain Flow’s regime, any striker that scored a hat trick in a match got a Nokia phone bought from the club’s purse, while in Captain Michael’s regime a hat trick scorer is regarded as a stingy footballer that doesn’t pass the ball to others. Yet we won more laurels in Captain Michael’s regime than in Captain Flow’s regime; maybe it was because Captain Michael was older than Captain Flow. Or maybe not.



I so much envied Captain Michael not because his mother owned the famous Kunu Joint, but because he was a far better motivator than me, little wonder he was called “Angel Michael” by the club’s chief coach Coach Oche Idoma.



Coach Oche Idoma was a far tactical coach than Stephen Keshi, he was better in game planning than Jose Mourinho, Yet he was bad in substituting. Always substituting me for Musa the short engine.


I dribbled more than Musa, I held the ball more than Musa, I gave assists more than Musa, but he scored more than me.
He fought the number 10 wing of the field with me so much that sometimes he played three consecutive matches without me seeing my jersey not to talk of wearing it. My complain would always sound like: “Oche Idoma e no good oh, i play pass Musa oh”. “Common shut up your mouth there!!!! I am the coach and I know best” was his best response.


Trully, Oche Idoma knew what was best for the team, as he had won so more laurels than Jose Mourinho since he started been a coach.





“you are late again!!” Oche Idoma said as I practically crawled to join my teammates seating on the floor.

“yes…… no sir” I stammered.

“I pity you……. Jog round the field four times jor!!!!” That was his regular punishment to late comers.




I had jogged round Etihad and Emirate Stadium twice and I was seeing some Korean numerals running round my head due to the Alomo.






Second half and Ngoye who was playing my wing was removed, I noticed that Musa was playing as my opponent and I was glad and I promised myself I would play better than him to earn a place in our next match with the Desert Lions , but there was another person i saw.



Seeing him alone reined my evening.

Emeka the most dreaded defender.

Emaka could pull down the best of strikers, he always went for the leg and not the ball; as instead of him to go for the ball, he preferred to go for the b’alls.


I will never forget the day he almost castrated Ngoye, and the day he grabbed Segun’s Penis just because Segun was about giving him the dribble of his life.


Emeka eyed me like he said: “today I go show you pepper”, I eyed back like I said: “I no well oh” Like James’s cliché went.




I tried my best possible to trouble not the Lion that slept, giving quick passes to my teammates whenever Emeka drew closer.



10 minutes into the second half of the training session and Emeka never saw me to tackle. I was like wind to him.






15 minutes and I had started looking tireless for the ball.

I was beginning to frighten the ball, it repelled from my boot despite the fact that I wore an original Nike boot.

“James you no go pass ball to me abi” like I was begging for the ball.

“them mack you na” He passed the ball to another of my teammate.




I was beginning to lose my mind. For 17 minutes, I never touched the ball. It was like my teammates planned not to pass the ball to me.




I searched and searched but couldn’t find the ball. What wondered me was that others were finding the ball that was never lost, someone even found the net. Segun was his name; the highest goal scorer of the season.

“Abu abeg pass for me na!!!!!” I was at the back pleading for ball.

Instead of Abu to pass the ball to me, he gave it to Pius who ran with it towards the midfield.

My eyes were beginning to spin as I had ran about 2000 meters without holding the ball for even a second, rather I tackled my opponents fiercely while my teammates got the ball with ease.



I was almost crying.







Finally, James my friend kicked the ball towards me. As the ball came running towards me with so great a speed, I promised myself I would hold it for long like Mikel Obi would before passing.


As I moved forward to dribble a Baby Lion named Kelvin, then came a Father Lion from the left.

From the corner of eyes, I saw that Emeka was running with so much speed towards no one else but me.


“why me!!!!” I cried.

“I no do you anything na” I ran faster so he wouldn’t catch up with me.

But then, I couldn’t run faster than my shadow.







He finally caught up with me and that almost ended my football career.

Warlord3000:
Seems like have missed an update o..

Is my eyes deceiving me..

Cos last time I checked na inside wardrobe we dey o

Warlord It must not follow that way. Don't you worry, I will tell about that as the story goes.

“I swear if you no pay me my money, I go show you pepper!! Ahan!! Since one month now, you dey owe me, and you no wan give me, abi na bad thing I do to borrow you money?” Segun fired.

“guy shebi I don pay you 25k last week, I go pay you the rest by next week na” I pleaded.

“oboy na now I want my money, that is why I no dey like una ibo boys, una too dey cheat”

“guy I no cheat you, I go give you your money next week if I chop for Nairabet” I promised.


I had been playing Nairabet since the day I was well tutored in the nitty gritty by James the award winning gambler, a gambler that Eats Sleeps, Drinks and Worships gambling. His favorite quote was: “Life is a Gamble, you loss or you win, but I prefer to win”, and he always won 70% of the time he gambled. He changed from being an Arsenal Fc fan to being a Manchester United fan when Arsenal lost to Totenham on their home soil; and since that day he hated Arsene Wenger for his team not scoring a goal that would have made him smiled to the bank to win 50,000 naira in a bet.


I too hated Arsenal for cutting my game and making me lose 46,500 naira in a game they were suppose to win that they drew. That was the money I would had paid Segun and sent the rest to my younger ones in school.

I would had paid Segun his balance from the money Ife rejected and still had some left for my siblings, but something happened. Something that made me lose money big time.

Baba Ijebu.


James introduced me to Baba Ijebu and woe betide him for that.


He had advised me to play a game that he assured me would yield. I obliged because I had just won some money on Nairabet two days earlier. James told me I needed to play with at least 60,000 in other to win at least 200,000 Naira, so I withdrew the money Ife forfeited, add it up to the money I had won on Nairabet and played the Game called Baba Ijebu.


“Flow!!!! No worry, Baba Ijebu must pay you” he assured as we walked towards opposite the cantonment.


Opposite the cantonment was the home of Baba Ijebu; where so many Baba Ijebu spot were located; in different shapes and sizes.
As I brought out the money to give to the Baba Ijebu attendant, I felt the warmt of the money and it sent cold down my kidney.


“all die na die!!!!” I told myself and I handed over the money to Muniru the Tribal marked guy. Muniru always had this “no worry Baba Ijebu go pay you” look on his face.

That day, he gave me that look, and I in turn gave him “if Baba Ijebu no pay me I no go die” look. Truth be told losing 60,000 could make me go nuts and hit the streets on rags. But on my way to the streets, I will first of all get to the house of the invincible Baba Ijebu and shot him dead.


Legend has it that Baba Ijebu has its root from ijebu, but I sometimes wished it started form Onitsha and it was called “Nna Onitsha”. Nna Onitsha would had been far better than Baba Ijebu because Nna Onitsha would had given room for dialogue with losers. Dialogue like: “Nna Onitsha biko achom ka e nye ego kam gba game ozo, m’winea , a gama e nye gi half ihe m’winerre” PS: Engli-Igbo included.




“You wey James dey deceive, you think say u fit win?” Segun said.

“forget, I go win, and when I win, I go pay you your money, add interest, come buy you beer on top am sef” I promised.

“you no go fit win, bet me!!!” Segun spoke like he had seen the future.

“even if I no win, I go still pay you your money”

“how?”

“when we reach that time you go know” I spoke like my friend Chinonso aka “Man wey dey Reason”.


What gave me the assurance that I would somehow pay Segun even if I lost the bet was because Funmi had promised me some money. Money I would get only if I showed workings. And I had promised that that would be the last workings I would show, so I planned to show it to the fullest, balancing all equations; both Simultaneous and Quadratic.



“kpoon kpooon!! Segun dey house?” I knocked at the gigantic door of the Onis.

“him no dey, him don go Camp 2 field go play ball” His younger brother Ade informed.

“ok!!!! na true oh!!!, Ade abeg borrow me that your boot make I use go nack ball”


He left the Keyboard he was playing and went to fetch me his original Nike boot. I tried if I could play something nice with the keyboard but what I was playing sounded like the instrumental of the national anthem of Swaziland.



“so you never still sabi how to play keyboard?” he returned with the boot.

“no I still sabi na, all those things wey you teach me, I never forget them na”


Ade had taught I and his Brother Segun how to play Keyboard but I just can’t tell if all what he taught me went with the bottle of Fura de Nunu I drank whenever he taught us.



Fura de Nunu was second to none in the cantonment, in our part of the cantonment rather. It had made some barrack boys went from being brilliant to being the world's dullest, for example Olu.

Olu before meeting Fura de Nunu took 47 out of 51 in class, but when he met Fura de Nunu his position changed for the “better”; he started taking 51 out of 51. I say his condition changed for the “better” because he dropped out of school after repeating a class twice, and he ended up being a waiter at “Cusa de barki” the head quarters of Fura de Nunu in the Mammy market.


I was told “Cusa de Barki” means “Close to the mouth” in Hausa. For sure whoever sat at that seat out to Drink Fura always brought the drink close to his mouth to gulp down.




“this your boot don dey old oh”

“na brother Segun dey use use am well well before him buy him new boot na” He spoke the truth, Segun had changed boot about Fourteen times.



I will never forget the boot that fetched Segun the name “Mathematical Sege” or “The mathematician”.




It all started one evening while we were playing football at Camp 2 field and Segun happened to be wearing what was later called “Mathematics” boot. The boot was old and cried to be replaced, yet he wore it always. Whenever he wore the boot playing, it always went off his foot every 2 minutes, fetching him about three red cards on three occasions. So one faithful day……………


One unfaithful day rather, Segun dribbled all the defenders of our opponent, and when it was time to score, he shot a straight “bulleted” shot to the goal of the opponent. It was a goal for sure, or should I say it was a Double goal; One to the Net, the other to the Nose.


The Goalkeeper almost bled to death when Segun’s right boot pulled out and struck his Nose, he was rushed to the MRS where his Nose was treated but it never remained the same. Guess who that goalkeeper was?



Sir White.



Segun said his role model in Football was Segun Odegbami, little wonder the name he crowned himself just because he played the same wing as his role model, and little wonder he scored wonderful goals to the Net and to the Nose.



“e don tey wey Segun go Camp 2 field?” I asked.

“e don tey small oh” Ade answered.

“that mean say I don miss well well oh, I go enter second half be that”



There were so many pitches in the cantonment, but Camp two was the best. It stood about 200 meters from the cantonment parade ground as the crow flies, it have nurtured so many stars and had also killed so many like Imeh that caught an injury that lasted for about eternity. Camp 2 field was bigger than Stanford bridge and a little bit smaller than Emirate yet jogging round it was like jogging round both Stadia twice. And that was the punishment given to late comers like myself.





I was really gingered by the Alomo bitters I drank that evening that I jogged my way to Camp 2, little did I know I would be jogging round the field in search of the ball that seemed invincible.

make una no vex, I was fre.aking busy today, I just pray same wouldn't repeat tomorrow. I just pray.

Realgana, Man dey Okopoly dey study mechanical engineering, brainbox get one job for mbaise

Warlord this one na small suspence, you never see suspence at all.

I thought of the money I gave the bread seller as a great loss. I gave her 4,000 naira from the 10,000 naira I withdrew. I gave her not because I was scared of the guy with the knife, but because I had pity on the poor woman. But again, 4,000 naira was too much.



“wetin I do wey problem problem go just dey follow me, abi dem swear for me from village”

“abi I be problem child?” I was lost in my thought when I saw myself passing House number 1 that I was going.

I pressed the door bell as Ife and her smiling face came to open the door even before I finished pressing.

“wetin I go tell this girl say happen to the money oooooh?”



“Peter you are welcome, what do I offer you?” I was surprised.

“ehnnnn! I am not hungry” The b’alls of Moi Moi was still as strong as stone in my stomach.

“can I at least offer you water?”

If there was one thing I needed to drink at that moment, that thing was water, very chilled water. Chilled water that would send messages in Zeros and Ones of what to tell the draconian Ife.

As i drank the chilled water, I concluded to tell her nothing but the truth.




“ehnnn! Ife I want to tell you something that happened……..”

“don’t tell me, I already know” I couldn’t finish before she cut me.

“I already know that my mum caught you and my elder sister in my parent’s matrimonial bed”

“and since then, my mum have hated you like a plague”

“I could make her like you, you know?”

“how??” I shouted.


I really needed back the lost Love of Mrs Akeju, especially the one that filled my stomach with delicacies. The love that made me got recieved tips, the Love that made me received more clothes and shoes than my colleagues when she shared her husband's old clothes and shoes to his workers, the Love that made me cruised her car as her weekend driver. The lost Love. All thanks to Funmi.


“just play according to my rules, and you will have my mum’s love back”

“what rule?” She stood up and walked towards me.

“rule number one, I want you to leave Funmi for me, when I mean leave, I mean permanently”

“rule number two, I want you to be my boy”

“rule number three, I want you to service my engine just the way you have been servicing Funmi’s” She stood in front of me and I saw a reflection of myself in her “mirror like” hot legs.


Ife had legs that were hotter than a volcanic eruption. Her hot legs could melt Steel, cook red Beans, Fry Plantain, roast Cocoa yam all at the same time.

“ And when you follow this rules to the latter, your benefits are limitless”

“benefits like financial improvement, and you will not need to do this suffer head job all the time ” That was the same promises Funmi made the first day I had s’ex with her.


She gave me a peck and took her soft touching hands to my Prime Minister region.

“or don’t you like me?”

“I dey craze? Why I no go like you?” I had always liked Ife not Funmi, But ab initio, Ife had always hated me like I was a child with p’oo on his b’utt with flies clustered. She advised Funmi not to play "ball" with me that I was from a poor home, and that I had no future, that I can’t marry her, and that I was still seeing Kel, that I had bad table manners, and that I had bad breathe, that I fart a lot, and that I had a big head, etcetera etcetera. The same Ife wanted me to be her boy.


“hahahahahahahaha! You are funny” she had sat on my laps almost breaking my Prime Minister.

“but, but Funmi will kill me if she noticed I had started seeing you”

Funmi had told me a story of a guy she dated that she placed on house arrest for Four days just because he cheated on her. That the guy almost lost his p’enis as it worked morning, afternoon, night all through the Four days period or else Funmi would had sliced it and cooked it as Carrot in Fried Rice.

“who is Funmi? She can’t do you anything jor”



“look, I know you are a strong man, and I also know that you can deliver in bed”

“I had always Liked you, but is just that I don’t want to share a man with my elder sister, that is why I said you should leave her for me permanently” I could feel my Prime Minister growing taller.

I adjusted my Prime Minister to the left and I saw it heading towards my trouser pocket like a Snake would.

“wow!!! Your kini is really big oh!!!”

“yes, it’s like balloon, I inflate it every morning”

“hahahahahahah! can I see how big it is?”

“ehenn!!!!!! I wanted to tell you something, my bank’s network was down, so I couldn’t withdraw that money”

“ssssssssshhhhhhh! Is that what I asked you?” She put a finger to shut my mouth.



“aaaaaah! you want to see it? It is very big oh, you might lose your breath when you see it” I teased.


“can I see it pls” she was becoming impatient.

“or do you want me to open and see for myself?” She was already unzipping.

“I hope you don’t regret seeing it?”

“the only thing I will regret is when you will kill me in bed today” She was dragging me to her room.



As I got to her room, the first thing my eyes flashed on was the picture of Jesus Christ on the cross.

“Father forgive me, it is the woman” I shift blames like Adam did.




She hurriedly tore my buttons as she took of my shirt.

“I no want to do this thing” I almost said.

I was n’aked before a twinkle of an eye, and we started.

The room was full of Ife's Honey well, as everywhere my Prime minister went, it met with her Honey well.


There is no gainsaying that Funmi was delicious, Ife was super delicious.

“harder!!! Harder!!! Ahhhhhh! Harder!!!”She moaned, “harder” sounded like “Ada”.

“who be Ada?”

“in!! in!! in!!” She continued moaning, “In” sounded like our neighbour's name “Ini”.

I rammed really hard on her sweating profusely.



We had resumed second half when I heard; “Ife!!!!!!”

It was her mum.

“Oh!!!!!!! not again” I cried.



I heard her footstep walking towards Ife’s room, so i jumped out of the bed and dashed into the wardrobe.

“be careful!!!! the wardrobe is not good oh!!!!” I heard Ife cautioned.

Even a damaged wardrobe could serve as a best hiding place in situations like that.

“kpaoooonnnnnn!!!” I sank into what looked like a hole and: “guooooomn!!” a big board landed on my head.

“yeaaaaheeeeee!!!!! My head ooooh!!!!!!” I cried out.

"sorry Love!!!!!!! did it hurt?" Ife asked a stupid question.

"no e no hurt, it sweets!!!!" I almost answered.

The board weighed heavily on my head that I used one hand to push it upwards.

Suddenly, Ife opened the wardrobe door and threw in her p’anties as well as my clothes.

The p’anties saw no best place to land on but my face.

I wanted to remove the smelling p’anties from my face with my only free hand when Ife said; “the door is not good, hold it!!”, so i hurriedly held the wardrobe door.

Since my both hands were occupied, I left the p’anties on my face making me look like a younger brother to Lagbaja, as i thought i saw something that looked like Maggot crawled into my mouth.






“Ife, the carpenter guy is here to repair your Wardrobe” Mrs Akeju Announced.

i hail u mutaino

Dear ardent Readers, inasmuch as is i try my best possible to alter the names of persons and that of places, this and other of my stories are true life.


The other day i saw a Nairalander where i went for a job interview; he was able to identify me as flow1759 because he added me on a social media network as a friend and we had been chatting. He asked if my "Man wey dey reason" story was true, and i told him "yes" and he was marveled. Another Nairalander i called asked me how real this story is, and i told him it is as real as Wole Shoyinka's hair, he was also marveled.

So the moral of what i am saying is that, why i haven't written anything since "Man wey dey reason" was becuase i was compiling this story as it unfolded.



Make una continue to enjoy "Flow and Snow".

STILL I FLOW.


PS: This might be my last story on Nairaland. Or so i thought. But yet it promises to be the best.

The ATM queue was longer than River Nile as i waited for my turn for close to Methuselah’s years.



“I am behind this brother oh!” A dark tall guy said.

“no oh! You are not there oh, I didn’t meet you there when I came” A not too ugly and not too fine lady refused the guy entrance using her “SIM card like a’ss” to form a fortress.

“I go press your n’yash oh!! Comot for road make I enter line”

“if you like press am, I no go still allow you enter this line”

“oga!!! Na the n’yash dey hungry you to press abi na to enter the line” One Lady said.

“abi oh!!!” I supported. Like the n’yash was even attractive.



Soon it was my turn to withdraw.


I withdrew 10,000 naira first bearing in mind that most ATM paid a maximum of 40,000 at a time.

I had finished entering the required amount and I sent.



Few seconds and all I heard was a “click” sound twice, then I turned momentarily to see that the SIM card a’ss Lady and the dark guy were struggling who would me next, pushing each other like there were dancing Shoki.


As I turned to the ATM machine to see if my cash was dispensed, I saw something strange on the screen, it read: “Out of service!!! Available shortly!!!”. I smiled thinking the machine just went to have Lunch, that it would be back in jiffy. Not knowing it had had my ATM card for lunch.

“oga!!! You wan sleep for the machine?”

“allow other people withdraw na”

“na your Papa Parlour?” Trust Nigerians.

“the service for the machine don go” I announced to the crowd.


The security man on duty came to announce some minutes later that engineers were working on the machine, that it would come up in split seconds. It at that moment occurred to me that my card wasn’t out; it had been seized.


While I waited for the machine, I received Ife’s call telling me to fly home if possible, I told her I was already on my way home, that I was with the money already. After the call, I saw that I had five unread messages.


I had received a text message from MTN that said I should subscribe to one “Health tip” trash, I had received another text from MTN saying I should subscribe to one Fuji music by Kwam 1 as caller tune. I had received a text from Ife saying I should hurry up. I had received a text from my bank saying I had withdrawn 10,000 naira from my account, which was true, yet I received another text that was not true………………. It was also from my bank, and it said I had withdrawn 40,000 naira.


“Ooooooooh God!!!!!!!” I cried.

“what is the problem?” One man asked.

“I have received an alert of a money I have not received”

“e good for you!!” The SIM card a’ss Lady was really on my case.

“wetin do this other machine sef?” One man asked the Security man.

“that one no good”



“oga this machine don swallow this guy ATM card oh!!” One Albino told the security man.

“e go give am back” The security man said.

“what of my money? I don receive alert say I don withdraw money wey I no see” I felt cloud of tears gathering.

“I no know that one oh, you go go inside bank go complain oh”

All of sudden, the machine made the infamous click sound and my card miraculously came out. The security man confirmed that other customers can withdraw and that the problem had been resolved.


Oh how I wished I allowed the SIM card Lady and the dark guy to withdraw before me. They both looked at me with about 100litres of Pity and I looked at the Bank's building with about 300litres of Anger.




I filled the required form and I was told to return in the next 48hours to collect my cash.





At Orile Bus stop, all that was on my “already losing” mind was how I would explain to Ife. “Should I tell her my pocket was picked? Should I tell her I have a licking pocket? Should I tell her the truth?” These and many more were the questions I asked myself.


I concluded that it was best that the truth be told.




I was still lost in my thoughts not looking at where I was going when………. “puuuuuuuuuuuuuuooooooooooo!!” I collided with an Agege bread seller with her uncovered bread landing in the gutter.



“Cast your bread in waters and it wouldn’t remain the same” is the best quote to describe the about 14 loaves of bread that fell into the disgusting gutter.

“you must pay me my money oh!!!” The “bad breathed, tribal marked” Lady held my shirt.

“I no know do am na” I begged
.
“whether you know, whether you no know, you must pay me” She dangled her huge b’reast on my chest.

“no vex na, abeg!!!!”

“shey na abeg I go chop? Abi na abeg I go use pay my children school fees?” She lamented.




From nowhere came a b’utt faced guy. His face has no best description but “b’utt face”; with a partition that looked more like the lines indicating River Niger and River Benue in the map of Nigeria. And of course, his head looked like the map of Nigeria, and his ears like that of Ghana.

“oboy pay her her money for her bread joooooooor! Abi shey wan shepe fun Iyalaya e?” Mr B’utt face cursed.

“them no swear for my Mama Mama” I answered.

“ok! If them no swear for your Mama Mama, give her her money”

“but I no get money na!!” I complained.

“you no get money abi?” Mr B’utt face showed me the Kitchen knife he tucked in his waist.

“na me you wan threaten with knife? na your bread i pour?”

“yes na my bread, this woman na my mama, you go just die sara if you no pay her!!!” Like he was died serious.

And I was died serious too increasing my “sheonwu” nature.
In Igbo, “sheonwu” means acting unnecessarily stubborn.


I wanted to act stubborn, but as I turned and saw that there was a massive crowd gathered already, I changed my mind.



“I go pay!!!!”

Warlord3000 na now you know?