₦airaland Forum

seuncyber:
This is funny, anybody wey say he no funny then the person problem big pass Nigerian own be that

Let encourage flow for keeping us laugh for free cause Ay Live na 5k for regular

And this is funny too

make una know say i still remain my funny self flow1759. I never change.

e dey funny oh, but sometimes na una mood oh.



You know it is always difficult to make Nigerians laugh. and the last time i checked, we are not in Swaziland.

Remember it is still true life.

Why compare this story with other of my stories? Is GEJ and GMB the same?




I STILL FLOW

Why is it that Albinos always look alike?


Why?



“Mr Peter!!! Mr Peter!!!” I heard someone called as I walked down the road heading to the office after a hectic delivery day. I turned and saw that the person calling was an albino.

“do I know you?”

“yes na!! it’s me na”

“who are you?”

“it’s me Tolu”

“who is Tolu?”

“I don’t know any Tolu? In fact I don’t know any albino”

“I am not an albino oh”

“you are!!” I attacked.

“I will tell my father you are calling me albino”

“who is your father?” I asked.




“my father is Mr Akeju” That was indeed a sad news to my ears.

“Tolu!! is that you?” My brain came back from the vacation it went.

“sorry ooh, I no know say na you”

“who are looking different?” The difference was that her hair had changed grayish yellow and her eyes were like pendulum bob.


“what happened to your hair?”

“enough of that!!! You are making a mockery of my complexion abi?”

“haba!! I dey craze wey I go make a mockery of your complexion?”

“so you are calling me a lair abi?”

"no na, you no be lair, na me be liar, in fact my name na Linus Liala" I wanted to buy her laughter.

“it's not funny! I will tell my daddy for you”


One thing about the Akeju girls was that they saw their father as a Mini-god.

“no vex na, I just dey joke, I no mean am”

I will never forget the day I was to resume duty as a worker in Wilo Courier services ltd.



I pressed the doorbell of the house at close 5 house 3 and someone came to open the door.


That person was an albino. An albino on white pajamas.


“can I help you?” she was as white a snow, that as she drew closer i took some steps backwards thinking she was a ghost.

"why are you going back?" she asked.

"i wan go piss, piss dey catch" I just can't tell why albinos frightened me a lot.


"what is wrong with you!!" She touched me on my shoulder.

"aaaah!!" i felt a warm feeling on that part she touched.

"are you ok?"

"me okey!! i am not okey oh, i am Ugo or Peter but my friends call me Albino" I wanted to say my nickname Flow, but albino came out of my mouth mistakenly.

"Mr albino can i help you?"


“help me do what?” I answered. Help my skin colour to change i supposed.

“so? Since I can’t help you what are you still standing here doing?” she rolled her eyeball like the albinos do.

“sorry, I mean yes you can help me
”

“I want to see Mr Akedi” That was what my Dad wrote on a paper he gave me as the person I was to ask for. Maybe he thought the person was an Igbo man, or maybe he interpreted “Akeju” to Igbo as “Akedi”

“sorry, wrong address, there is no Mr Akedi here” She shut the door.




“what insolence!! She can’t even allow me explain who I was before shutting the door” I thought.

“or maybe the person I am asking of does not stay there” I was lost in my thoughts when a car honked for me to leave the road.



I went to house 2 to ask of Mr Akedi, the guy that opened the door told me that house was the house of the Amadis not the Akedis, and I felt like changing “ma” to “ke”. I went to knock on the door of house 4, the woman that opened the door said if I was looking for Mr Akeju, then it was house 3, if not, I should go down to close 47, that she knew one bachelor from Benue state by that name that stayed in house 1.




“but why p’opsi go tell me say the man na married man when the guy na young man”

“young man no go fit give me job na” I thought as I walked towards close 47 house 1. I got there after about twenty five years of endless trekking, and at that moment my well polished shoes looked like it was a friend of dust.



I knocked and knocked at the widely open door until my knuckles almost bled, yet no one answered.

“abi the person wey get this house don die inside” I thought. And at that moment I remembered the late Yona.



Yona was once arrested for murder. He went to the house of his best friend Hammed one evening to play chess and smoke, on getting there, he found out that Hammed’s door was wide open, so he walked in, and to his greatest surprise he saw Hammed in the pool of his blood stabbed.



Some neighbors told lies to the Military Police that Yona was the only person that entered Hammed’s room throughout that day. Yona was arrested and he languished in the Guard room for about a year until investigations were carried out and the real culprits were arrested. Yona was later freed and when he died of what was termed “smoking disease” I knew he and his friend Hammed would continue their “smoking while playing chess” in Heaven or Hell.


Since the Yonagate, I had promised myself I will never ever enter a widely opened door even my own house, because there might as well be an Hammed laying died.


“abeg I don dey go house jor, I go tell peeman say I no see the Mr Akedi”i decided.




As I walked towards Close 5, something within told me to check that house 3, that since the Address that was written on the paper looked correct, the name might have been misspelled.



I pressed the doorbell harder this time, but no one came out to answer so I devised another style; knocking and pressing the door bell at the same time, little did I know the dog was out.







I fought hard to free my three fingers from a clip. A Dog’s teeth clip.


I had freed my three fingers from the Dog’s teeth and the next thing I saw was a fountain of blood gushing.


“My hand oh!!!” I thought I had been rendered fingerless.



The Bulldog that appeared toothless made my fingers almost go of, and i saw a "waterfall of blood".


“what happened!!!!” The albino rushed out.

“but I told you the person you are looking for does not stay here”

“see what you have done to yourself now” Another "girl' that rushed out with her said. Beautiful indeed! I was admiring her beautiful face forgetting i was in excruciating pains.

I call them “girls” because in as much as they were taller than me, there were still 16.



“Jimmy!!! Come here!!!” Tolu commanded.

The Dog came to her and she picked up a broom and started flogging it.




Just then, Mr Akeju drove in.

“why are you flogging Jimmy?”

“he bite this man here?” Tolu said.

“and so what?”

“a Dog can not just bite you, you must have looked for its trouble”






What greater love for an animal than for a poor bleeding fellow.

tfabu:
flow nice one,but pls i need more comedy in this story,i'll neva forget man wey dey reason that made me laugh like mad while in d public bus...pls i wanna laugh like that in this one tooo...plss,well done

No wahala.

Warlord3000:
Still he flows... Still we follow...

Is it just my mood or the comics and usual stuff is missing lately nowadays..

My bad guess I was expecting to much

It musn't be all comic na, it musn't be centralized on comedy alone.

It must also be informative, precise, educative and an eye opener.

seuncyber:
More updates flow

coming up soon

Ndukings92:
Feed me more

If that is a request, then, granted

I will be online throughout today, therefore, i will love the questions, suggestions and requests to role in.


Still I Flow

“oga Flow buy me food na” Natty saw me eating Eba in a canteen at mammy market after I left church.

“oboy, tell them make them give you one plate” I was indeed in a happy mode.

“oboy this one wey you wan buy food for me, you sure say poison no dey food?”

“you no get sense, you no happy say I buy you food, na because I just dey happy oh?”

“Why you dey happy na?” He asked as he sat.

“na something wey happen for church today oh”

“wetin be the thing?”

“one usher thief person tithe oh”

“eheeeen! Them catch am?”


“oboy all of us gather for our pastor office him com begin dey ask us questions oh, after, him com close him eye com open am, com say anybody wey leave him office go outside, na the person thief the money”

“who com leave the office go outside na, na you?” He was curious.

“no be me oh, and that time wey him talk that thing, one kin hot piss dey catch me oh”

“hahahahahaha you for piss for body na”

“oboy no be small thing oh”

“na one usher wey com go outside go pick him call na?”

“which usher? I know am?”

“yes na, you know am na, that fat guy wey no gree give you food that day wey you come our Youth program”. Natty had attended our church's Youth program drinking Andrew liver salt before he came.


He drank four packs of Andrew Liver salt because when I was inviting him for the program, I told him that there would be RSVP- Rice and Stew Very Plenty. Natty being a lover of food came 97% hungry.

Kingsley was in charge of serving food in the row that Natty sat and when he got to where Natty sat, the food finished, but when he served Coke, he started from where Natty sat; giving him two bottles to commiserate with him for the Plate of Rice lost.


Natty drank the two bottles without complaining at first. But it was like the Coke and Andrew Liver salt combination got his stomach rumbled badly. So he stood up and walked with fury towards where Kingsley stood and……………




“no ever try that thing with me again, shey you know me before? Why are you so wicked?”

“wetin I do you na?” Kingsley asked him.

“you no know wetin you do abi?” Natty grabbed his shirt.

“you dey mad?”

I other to avoid an ugly scene in a Youth program that had in presence about a hundred attendees, I walked to tell Natty to stop disgracing himself and me; that I would buy him three plates of food after the program.

“eheeeeen! You mean am?”

“you be correct!!”


I was indeed “correct” losing about a thousand naira to satisfy the hunger of the glutton Natty.



“ehennn! I talk am say that guy resemble thief?”

“so na him come waka leave the Pastor office?”

“na him oh, him phone just ring and him go outside go pick am”

“as him go naso our Pastor com talk say – that guy is the thief!!”





“like play like play, naso one of our church member come enter Pastor office with the tithe envelope com talk say him see Kingsley when him dey hide am for under rug”

“you mean am?”

“yes na, naso Pastor say make I go call Kingsley come, as I reach downstairs, I no see Kingsley, I waka reach main road, I no see Kingsley, sotey I call him number, e dey switch off?”

“bad guy!!! how him take know say the guy dey bring the envelope come una Pastor office?”

“oboy I no know oh, e be like say him dey use jazz oh”

“yes na, him dey use jazz na, if him no dey use jazz how him take know say I like food well well wey him com do make the food finish for my side?”


Truth be told, a voodoo is needed to tell as skinny as Natty was that he could finish two plates of a convention Plate of Rice not to talk of Twelve.

I remember we all staked about 12 thousand naira for Natty for finish twelve plates of Rice. He got to the Ninth Plate and I saw some whitish grains that looked like grains of the Rice he ate dropped out of his nostrils. They say food can’t kill, but that day Natty almost died. He could barely walk; we practically carried him home.




“you remember the day wey Kingsley catch me and you dey drink beer?”

“eeeeeehn! I remember na!”

“naso him go church go dey tell our church members say I dey drink”

“eheeeen! You mean am?”

“yes na!!”

“now na him com be thief? thief and person wey dey drink, which one better pass?”


“you see life? e no good to dey judge”



There were more hypocrites found in the house of the Lord than elsewhere. Institute of Rumor mongers, College of Gossipers, Citadel of Cheats, Community of the Jealous, and Federal University of Enemies of Progress.






If God were one of us.




If God were one of us, Bisi the 16 year old Daughter of our former Pastor would not had gotten pregnant for Maxwell our former Keyboardist.





If God were one of us Yemi our former choir master wouldn’t have stolen the church Keyboard and sold it.






And yet, If God were one of us Kingsley the most dedicated usher wouldn’t have stolen someone’s tithe.






“and Guess what? He is the most dedicated amongst the ushers” I spoke English.

“you mean it?” He answered in English. English language and all other languages has this communicability, that if a person rather than speaking Igbo for instance spoke English to you, you will reply in English also, and if the person returns to Igbo language while the conversation lasted, you will surely return to Igbo also. My grand mum is an exception.


I remember speaking English to her and she replied me with a slap.





While i was busy narrating to Natty all what happened in Church, I never knew he had signaled the attendant to bring him another plate of Eba.


“wetin be this one na?” I asked.

“na food, na Eba” he answered.

“who get am?”

“na me, you wan join me?” he had started eating.

“guy you no go understand, I never chop since two days now”

“and so? Na here you wan chop both afternoon and night food?” i was considering my pocket rate.

“guy food no dey our house, make I no die abeg” He gave me his famous "food pity face" and I really pitied him, not because i loved his ugly face, but because i was a little bit "bucks-ed up" that day.




“no wahala, me and you go share am” I drew closer and joined him eating.




There is a law in my Family right from my childhood that forbade eating food on Sunday morning before leaving for church, as such, our pots always went on strike on Saturday evening to call it off on Sunday evening after church. Dry fasting - you can call it, but I call it discipline. Discipline that will never leave me till I die; and i promise to imbibe it in my unborn children also.






We finished eating and it was time to go, little did I know that my Kalochi suit would make me and Natty cry.

Trypa:
AhhhHhhhh Flow kill mi wit suspect ohhh



Flow hope u r kul


Nice update dear

I am cool Trypa. Thanks

Psalmwise:
ur story comot words for my maut Thank y0u,

BTB Aw much will you pay for the username ii can aunction it to u

1naira

Psalmwise:
hmmmmmmmm

hmmmmmmm for wetin na?

I like your username

After service, we had finished counting money; Five of us.






“wait oh, this tithe total is not complete, something is missing, i can't find my tithe card, where was it recorded?” The Head usher noticed.

“how sir!!!” I asked.

“The tithe I paid is not here” It wasn't funny at all.

“check well sir”




After properly checking the tithe payers as against the money recorded in their tithe cards, he discovered that his tithe card and the money it contained was missing.

“where is my tithe card for God sake?”

“check well for it na” Kingsley said.

“I have checked well, how will my tithe card and envelope just disappear just like that!!” It wasn't funny at all.





“who who who com take the tatatithe na?” Emmanuel said,

“I have checked well na, I can’t find the envelope and the money” He was checking some funny places like under my shoes like i had a money magnet under it.







40 Minutes of checking and re-checking, the money and the envelope was still nowhere to be found.





“Pls lets search ourselves” Blessing gave me a look that read: “Peter you sure say no be you thief the money?”





I was always cash broke, I agree, I was a gambler, I agree, but there is one thing I never dreamed of doing not to talk of doing in reality, that things is stealing or taking a money that is not mine, talk less of a money that is the Lord’s.


I remember picking up Blessing’s purse that contained about 56 thousand naira for her school fees and handing it over to the “lost but found” Officer who in turn handed it over to her.

The Head usher was not just a good “header” alone, he was also the “lost but found” administrator.




“I dey suspect some people here” I heard Blessing said.

“don’t suspect anybody, no one here can steal the Lord’s money, we are all born again Christians abi no be so?”

"naso oh" The most focused and dedicated born again christian Flow said.


“then, how can you explain this, did the money just developed wings and flew, I am sure I saw you dropped your tithe in the tithe basket”




“I think what we will do is to search ourselves, the girls to search the boys, and the boys to search the girls” I heard Kingsley said from the corner of my ears.

“what did you just say? Boys to search girls?” Kemi spoke.

“sorry, I mean girls to search girls”. I wished he said “boys to search girls” Blessing would had been my target, I would had search and search all part of her body especially the lower region where river Niger and River Benue met.





The Ladies left to another room to search themselves while the guys remained in the vestry.

“oboy which kin search be this one na” I cautioned as Kingsley brought his hand close to my “middle big tree”.

“oboy you fit hide the money anywhere”

“you dey mad oh, na you be thief, wetin you mean, you mean say na me thief the money?”

“I no talk like that, I just dey talk say in case na you thief am, you fit hide am anywhere”

“guy stop using me as an example for stealing” I had to speak English.

“ok sir Peter”



I searched him with my hand 45% of the time on his middle big tree just as he did to me.








“sir what do we do now?” Kemi spoke as we had finished the searching practice. Searching classes rather.

“I guess we will take the case to the Pastor” Head usher replied.





Inasmuch as I agreed that the case should be taken to the Pastor, the Head usher was always of the character of taking every case to the Pastor; even the case of a lost pin.







The cool in the Pastor’s office gave my head so sweet a sensation.





“…………………. That is what happened sir” Head usher finished narrating.

“so you mean to tell me there is a thief amongst you?!”

“no no no no sir” Kingsley answered.

“then how did the money go, it flew?”

“maybe we misplaced it sir” Kingsley said.

“I doubt that, the head usher here is so careful a man that he had never lost even one naira since he became an usher, his accounts are always clear, but again, of lately, there have been a decline in offering and tithe income” said the Pastor.



“here and here, we are going to caught the thief, God helping us”




“lemme add something, before we move further, if anybody knows he or she stole the money, let him or her indicate and this matter will end, I promise that person no other ear aside us here will hear he/she stole the money” Pastor’s wife said.

“but if at the end of this meeting, nobody came out to say he/she stole it, the wrath of God will visit that person in two days time” As she spoke, she eyeballed me althrough like she was receiving prophesy I stole the money.



The Pastor's wife had once preached that whoever steals God's money would be visited by Leprosy. As Emmanuel was my prime suspect, I looked carefully to see that Emmanuel's hand was gradually turning Leprous.





“Head usher, how much is the tithe sef?” Assistant pastor asked.

“14 thousand naira sir” He answered.

“so na 140 thousand naira be this one salary? Nahim him com dey do big boy like say him salary na 500 thousand naira” I told myself.







Suddenly............................ i heard.......................








“Peter!!!!!” My heartbeat increased.

“wetin I do na? no be me thief am na” I whispered to myself.

“did you pay your tithe today?”

“I did sir!!”


“ok, that means you are not the thief”, I thought I heard; “you are the thief” so I asked, “how sir?”

“because you can not steal back what you paid” That was indeed Wisdom.




“Emmanuel I saw you paying yours too, so it isn’t you that stole it”



“the Ladies can not steal” The Pastor’s eyes were closed, he was receiving prophesies that the two ladies were not guilty. Or so I thought.

“abi na Ladies dey thief money pass sef”








“I know who stole it!!!” The Pastor opened his eyes suddenly.

:-

Ishilove:
Haba,flow,which beef na? You be my personal person o

Na anti-spam bot ban you. You've been unbanned

You be correct. I love you pass your boyfriend.




For that i go update one more, or even two. or so i thought.

Who is Kingsley Ezebuwa? When we reach there you go know.












It was a thanksgiving Sunday in September and as usual we the ushers were beautifully dressed like Judgment Day was that day.



I and Emmanuel were positioned in point 3A and 3B respectively, Kemi was in 2, Blessing was in 4, Head usher was in point 1 alone, while Kingsley was positioned in point 6 with a hidden agenda.


One thing I always prayed for forgiveness whenever I was posted to point 3A was the fact that I always mistakenly took a glimpse at the Pastor’s wife river Nile and Niger – I mean her fresh legs. If there was one thing I dreaded, that thing was being posted to a placed that lead me to temptations and distractions.



Peter was the usher in charge of cleaning and arranging chairs, Kemi was the usher in charge of distributing offering and tithe envelopes; she designated who shared envelopes and bulletin in a particular row or column. Emmanuel was in charge of head counts and waking up sleeping congregational members, Head Usher was in charge of “heading”, Blessing was in charge of monitoring the dressing of all ushers, while Kingsley was in charge of money counting and accounting. There was also the brothers James and John; not the sons Zebedee like in the Bible; who were in charge of cleanliness of the church environment and cake trays.


I say the Head usher was in charge of “heading” not because he was a good Header like Stoke City’s Peter Crouch, but because he headed and supervised that each designated head of a particular duty gives orders that others must obeyed.

I will never forget being the Cake boy.


James and John had ordered that I would be in charge of cutting and sharing the cake dedicated to those born in a particular month, after which i must clean the cake tray. I was to take out the mess of what was left in the tray and wash the tray.







On one occasion, I saw neither sponge nor soap to do the cleaning with, so I decided to wash with mare water because it was raining and it wouldn’t be possible that i go get soap. As a sharp guy, I washed it clean with just water like though I had used soap. Or so I thought.


The oily shine on my hand refused leaving even after washing with about 25 liters of water. I had lost my handkerchief and there was no way I could possibly rub off the oily shine on my Kalochi suit.




Kalochi was the worse suit make I had ever owned since Adey. As funny as they sound, these are makes of suits. While Kalochi sounded like an Igbo name Kelechi, Adey sounded like a Yoruba name Ade, and I remember seeing the make of Emmanuel’s suit as Masu; which if words were swapped could be spelt as Musa the Hausa name. I sometimes wished I had them all three main languages: Yoruba, Igbo and Hausa. There is no gainsaying that Emmanuel had a PHD in selling fake and cheap suits little wonder he had them in different colours: Black, Grey, Navy blue, Brown, Sky blue, and even Green. Sometimes I wondered if these suits were made in Alaba where he worked, because the make name were unpalatable, names like; Vigo, Kalochi, Masu, Jamer, Adey, Yamua, and even Jaguda.

He had sold Jaguda suit to Kingsley who indeed looked like a Jaguda as he wore it.






“cake boy!! Youuuuuuuuu dey dey dey do your work?” came the stammerer.

“no I dey do your papa work” I dared not said, or else what happened in June would had repeated itself.









What happened in June Flow? I know you must ask.






What happened in the first Sunday of June was that Emmanuel willingly offered to help me in cutting the cake into small chunks. While he was cutting he said and I quote: “this one na my own” separating what almost looked like half the whole cake.

“why na?” I asked.

“because na myyyyymy birrrrrrthday be this month”

“and so what?” I attacked.

“me nkor, my birthday na this month na”

“ehehehehn take your own na”

“guy I no dey take anything, and you too you no dey take anything sef, the cake no go reach the whole church na”

“ooooooooookkkkkk! Come collect am for my hand na” He was about walking out of the room.


“oboy come back here!!! Why you dey do like this na!!!” I grabbed him.

“leave my suit one………… two…………… three……………… four”

“if you like count one to hundred, I no go leave you until you return that cake”

I had been told severally that stammerers were naturally quick to temper and I doubted saying “shey stammerres no be human beings like us?”, but that day was the day my doubts were cleared.



“I saaaaaaaaaaay leave my Yamua suit!!!! Or!!!!”

“or wetin? You too like to dey cheat”




Like magic, I saw the knife used in cutting the cut on my throat.



“you goooooooo leeeeeeeeeleave my suit now, or yooooyou goooooo liiiiiiiiiiiilike make i use your throat as biiiiiiiiibirthday cake” He stammered.





Thank God he didn’t slice my throat like a birthday cake or i would had died on the month of my birth.






“Abi i don warn you make you no dey call me cake boy”

“ok, Ugo na na na na na na bottle you dey de dey dey do your work?

“Ugo na bottle no be my name sef”

“wetin com be your name na?”

“so you no know my name abi”

“yeeee ye ye yes” He pronounced “yes” like he spoke Spanish.

“ok leave am like that na, as you no sabi my name”


“hahahahahahah” He laughed.






“oboy wetin I go use clean my hand na? I no see soap and sponge“ I asked.

“you you you you know say say say say say all the rag don do do do do don don………..”
“.....don wet” I helped him complete his statement.

“wwwwwwwwwwwwhy you help me me me me me talk my talk” He liked not that someone he conversed with helped him complete a sentence he fought hard to complete.

“sorry I no go do am again”

“but how I go take clean my hand na, give me your handkerchief na?”

“I no get han han han han han han han handkerchief”

“no waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawahala” It was like I had caught stammering fever.




As a sharp guy also, I rubbed off my oily hand on my bald head, little did I know that little cake particles were at that moment on my head like a tattoo.








As I stepped into the church auditorium, I almost collided with Mrs Ezike who said; “Mr Ugo na bottle a.k.a Cake boy, so you don chop cake sotey the thing gum for your head?”

Moderators!!! Moderators!!! Moderators!!!
Wetin i do una wey una ban me?

Inasmuch as i respect you all, i think banning me have made you all lost my respect.

Can you guys just pin point the post that made you ban me.

Ishilove wetin i do you? So the beef continued. Why?

Much love still.

Still i flow sha

Costlybabe:
Flow u no kil person with laughter,that Last update got me rolling,Weldon

Thats whats up Costybabe

Xp01:
Oga flow me i dae gret fa

i dey gret too oh

Warlord3000:
Don't tell me today's update don Finish o

When we reach there you go know.

seuncyber:
What happened Oga flow

ABEG update fast

I have done that Sir seuncyber

Psalmwise:
Flow1759 u fall my hand ooo big time...asin eh ...big time...y u no interpret al dos igbotic sentence u write for derenah...ahbn bin cum dey look lik mumu wen i dey read dem...abeg no igbo for my area to translat dem...pls biko help modify am so interpretation go nter




Buh u try for today update God bless d fone u use type

Sorry about that, am just writing how it happened.

“Chidi you don come?” I shook hands with Him as he came in.


“how work na?”

“work dey fine oh”


“oboy if you see hold up wey dey Iyana Iba ehnnn?”

“are you serious?”

“but shey na must say hold up go dey for Iyana Iba all the time?”






“hahahahahahhahah!!” I laughed all of a sudden.

“why you dey laugh?”

“why I no go laugh, hahahahahahahah!!”

“oboy you don kolo be that oh, why you dey laugh like mad man?” Chima said.
“we get rope oh, incase you don dey mad”


“hahahahahahah! I no dey mad jor, hahahahaha!”

“una remember that day wey we dey trek from Under bridge to Iyana Iba because hold up dey? Hahahaha!”

“so you no fit forget that day abi?” Chima wished he could erase what happened that day out of my mind.

“why I go forget”






One day, the three of us were trekking from Under bridge to Iyana Iba bus stop, as we got close to Barracks bus stop; we saw this “drop dead delectable mouth watering pepperoni angelic” damsel with a very very very attractive parting frame.

As we walked behind this Dansel, two Demons kept telling me “touch that a’ss”. No, one kept telling me “touch that a’ss” while the other said “squeeze that a’ss”. I gave the two demons 101 reasons why I wouldn’t touch or squeeze the a’ss, and they in turn gave me 201 reasons why I should touch, squeeze and even kiss the a’ss.

I fought fiercely with these Demons until Demon A told me; “You no get sense oh, you no know say if you touch the girl nyash, she be small girl, she no go fit do you anything, she go respect you tell you thank you for touching”, and Demon B said; “the girl like you, you no see as she dey turn back dey admire you?”.


Demon A and B were indeed skillful in their Demonic dexterity.





I touched, squeezed and almost kissed the a’ss that had a feeling similar to an over- done Fufu. After doing my "handwork" without anybody seeing me do so, I moved out from being directly behind her.




Thunder and Lightening landed on someone’s face.

“why did you slap me?”

“you are a f’ool!!?”

“why did you slap me?” I thought I had Chima farted. No, what I thought was "human fart" was fart from a nearby rickety car.

“you must be an I’diot?” She slapped again, and I saw Chima’s chick turned burgundy red.

“what did I do?” Chima was shocked and asked a question twice.

“ooooh! C’onji dey hold you and na for my body you wan clear your c’onji abi”

“what did he do?” Chidi helped his “soon to be deaf” twin brother asked.


“Why did you press my b’om bom”

“I did not press your b’om bom na” Chima had gotten angry.




“tawai!!!!!!!!!!!” Chima had received a third slap from the Lady just within a space of 40 seconds and his both hands were on his both ears like they had fallen of.



My Demon friends at that moment cheered me saying; “you see say you be big boy? you press n’yash and na another person them slap”




All of a sudden, Chidi sent out a slap to the Lady that sent her spinning Clockwise, while Chima sent his much awaited slap that sent her spinning Anti clockwise.


Since it had suddenly turned to a slap show, I thought of sending my own slap to the Lady who was already crying, but Demon A warned me saying; “no try am oh!”


The lady cried out with a loud voice and an Army man passing by took up the case.

“why I dey crying?”

“they salpped me, they gave me Four slaps each”

“what!!!”

“they slapped me Four slaps each”

“wayo alla!!!” The soldier was an A’boki for sure.

“and they press my B’om bom, two of them” At that moment I was about 14 metres away.

“whatin be Vom vom?” The A’boki Soldier asked.

“is it Vom vom or Tom tom?” It was like it had been long this tongue tasted Tom tom sweet last.

“see your mouth like Tom tom?” I almost said.



“where the Tom tom?” He asked.

“see am here” she turned her behind to him.

“wayo alla!!!! This Tom tom i big well well oh”



“so i touch this Tom tom kwo?”

“no be me touch am oh” Chima cried.

“is a lie, he touched and squeezed”

“ok, I touch am por this Tom tom por quaziri kwo!” Squeeze interpreted to Hausa as quaziri.

“no oh, officer no be me touch am oh”

“no be him touch am oh” Chidi supported.

“liars!!!!” The Lady had cried a large river.



“I know wetin I go do? I go slap two of them ten ten slap kwo?” Two other soldiers had come to join the A’boki soldier.

“ten wetin?” I pitied them both.

“ok sir” She rehearsed the slaps.




She finished giving Chidi 10 slaps, and nothing happened.





But as she gave Chima who had already received Four slaps from the same source just two slaps, something happened.



That thing was what Mike Tyson did to Evander Hollifield.

FoxyFlow:
Who send you make you no update... Hahahhahahahahaha...

Abeg, dey drop your updates sharp sharp

so you dey here?

seuncyber:
More updates Oga flow

Because i no update yesterday, una run leave this thread abi. There is God oh.

you no go fit blow him teeth comot" he was almost sending a blow to Chidi.


"Officer!! see the f'oolish man here" Chidi shouted.

"My friend will you leave that man?" I ordered.

"Officer see na, him don tear my shirt" The man yelled.

"and so what? is that why you want to blow his mouth?"

"officer , yes i go blow him mouth" he assured.

"you say wetin? you wan blow who?”

“you no see wetin him do for my body?” He showed me some blisters.

“officer dey talk to you, you dey say you wan blow am abi?” One of the traders said what made my head swelled.

“officer I no go leave this guy!!” The man was really s’tubborn, so a slap was best for him.

“tawai!!!!!!!!!!!!” And my slap found a right spot.

“officer you slap me?”

“walahi I go slap you again if you hold that guy for shirt again” I threatened.

So I slapped again, and even again; front and back. I slapped and slapped the living daylight off him wishing at the end I never did.


Suddenly, the man I slapped spoke in Igbo; “umunnem oooh!! unu ga n'ele ka onye Army gbuo nwanne unu?”, I understood what he said and I thought at that moment to either plead and said i was sorry or run from the wrath of my Igbo brothers.




Before I closed my eyes and opened for a wink, I had been surrounded by about 24 men.

Four on my left, Four on my right, Six at my back, Six in front, the rest were on reserve to carry my body in case I died.

The beating i recieved was like lightening in the cloud; and it was indeed an unending thunder to my body.




“umunne muooo!!! Unu Biko nunu, unu eweliwe!!” I cried.

“gboouo ya!!!” I heard someone commanded.

“biko Agbukwala!!!!” I pleaded.

“odika onye a owughi onye Army?” One of them doubted.

“Awum Onye Army oh!!!!”

“onye Army o n’enwe aho’onu?” One of them asked.

“awukwam onye Army 2009 NA 1759” I told them my imaginary Army number.

“o si gini?” The one that sat on my head asked.

“asim abum onye Army” They thought I said I was a boy’s scout member.


“lekwa oh!! onye boys scout chori gbu nwanne anyi?”


I looked left and right and noticed the C'oward fellow Chidi had ran for is dear life; it was like mine wasn’t dear to me at all, I thought. Since it was dear to me I thought of better options; such as applying Usain Bolt.

Jackie Chan can never dreamed of performing the “film trick” I performed that evening. I jumped from the last floor of the two storey building without dislocating not even a joint, or so I thought.

I say “so I thought” because I initially walked normally without feeling any pains or dislocation; none in my ankle, none in my knee, none in my toes, none in my elbow, none in my chest, none is my heart also.




The traders laughed their a’sses as I ran towards the market gate to board the next available bike or else I might be stoned to death.




“He who fights and run away will leave to fight another” The adage goes. That day I never l laid a finger to fight but yet I ran faster than Usain Bolt. A fight I never wished I would return to fight even in 200 years time. Maybe in 201 years time, I will return as ghost to beat the hell out of all the traders in the market.



As the bike man drove, I thought how I would have died for a friend and John 15:13 came to my mind; “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends”. My mind flashed to what Natty told me about how the dreaded Sir White was beaten blue black by the same traders, and even yellow. I never believed Natty initially but as I saw how Sir White’s upper lips grew thicker the next morning, I had no choice but to believe because Elephantiasis of the upper lips was not a disease for Nigerians.



“e no go better for Chidi, thunder go fire him generation” I cursed as I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my right ankle.

“okada man e be like say your okada dey vibrate my leg”

“how na?” He asked.

“ok, make I put my lag well” I positioned my legs well and the pains stopped abruptly.

“ok e don stop”





4 minutes of ride without a word from me or the bike man. He then broke the silence asking: “wetin make your shirt tear, you go thief?”

“I no go thief oh, na one Omolanke guy go use him wheel barrow tear my shirt”

Pls ask the Yorubas the meaning of “Omolanke”, also look for an Igbo boy closest to your to interpret all what I wrote up there, If you do so, you will laugh harder than you did.

“how e take happen na?” The smelling armpit bike man asked

“my brother na long story jor” I was short of further lies.

“sorry ooooooh!!! But why you com jog come gate the time wey I pick you na?” He was suspicious of my answers.

“I run? I no run oh, I just wan meet up somebody wey dey wait for me”

“ok, no wahala!”











“how much be my money sef?” I had boarded a bike and asked how much the fare was when I was almost close to my destination.

“oboy your money na 1000 naira”

“1000 wetin!!?”

“1000 kpally” he answered.

“guy why na, shey na because I no ask you for the price before I enter?”

“yes na, why you no ask? If mugu no fall, guyman no go chop”


I was indeed a guyman’s mugu that had fallen prey.



We were at the cantonment gate at about 4pm and I searched my pocket to bring out money in beats and pieces; all summed up to be 800 naira.

“take jor, na wetin I get” I gave him 700 naira and put back the rest 100 naira I was to use to transport myself from the Cantonment gate where I stood to my house.





As I put my hand into my pocket to return the 100 naira, I searched to see that my phone was gone.





“ASPAMDA boys don thief my phone oh” My both hands found the back of my head.






“ok I forget am for Hajiya Car!!” I recalled.





“no wahala, I go go her house go collect am” I tried to cover the torn part of my shirt.







As I took a step, I realized I had lost both legs.

make una sorry for the lack of update today. i was really busy

Happy Val all

“where him go na?” I asked Chidinma as I was able to locate Chidi’s Shop.


“he is in the man’s shop, they are fighting”

“what!!! Why are they fighting?”

“come and take me there”


I brought out my Belt and wore my cap while walking like a Boss. Hugo Boss.




As I got to the Man’s shop, I saw that the man in question was a characteristic of a well brought up Lagos tout; Tall, dark, and with so many scars.


“i go blow all your teeth comot oh” The man threatened to pull out all Chidi’s dentical structure.
That reminded me of the day the Ejima’s almost rendered me toothless way back in school.


We had finished writing our final paper in school and it was booze time. So we hit Nk’s bar to drink with some friends.



After drinking and everyone was high, it was time to pay.



“Flow na you go pay the remaining money oh”


“why?” I asked.

“because me and Chima don pay for the first bottle”

“I no hear you well oh” I heard him initially but I needed to hear louder.

“I say na you go pay for the remaining bottles wey we drink” He shouted.


There were five guys present at the Round Table of Drinking Brotherhood(RTDB) and we had drank 3 bottles each. So do the maths of how much the Ejimas wanted Flow to squeeze out.



“why una go pay for only one bottle and me I go pay for two?”




We had earlier agreed to do a Combine Payment Method (CPM) of which each person was to pay the exact amount the other two persons paid; not even a Kobo difference. I don't think there is any guy alive in Nigeria that isn't a CPM practitioner; or that have practiced it at one time in their lives.



“answer me na! why I go pay pass una two?”


“because we be Ejima” Chidi stood up to answer me.


At that moment P-Square’s “Peter and Paul, them be one no be two” lyrics played in my mind.


“so una be one and me I be two abi?”

“yes na, you no know?” One member of Free Drinkers Association(FDA) supported.

“you better shut up your mouth, e concern you? because you don see free drink drink abi?” I attacked.

“but na true na?” Another FDA member added.

“all of una dey craze oh, una think say I don drink and my brain no dey work again abi?” I raised my voice.

“Flow mind your mouth oh!! I say na you go pay that remaining money” I saw all what he said as words said under the influence of Alcohol.

“I say I no go pay!!” I thought yelling might make his eyes clear.

“you go pay”

“I no go pay”




Before I said Kuli Kuli he had pushed me and I almost fell.

“guy na me you push?” I asked a rather s’tupid question.

“and I go push you again” He pushed me again.

I attacked him with a blow to his left shoulder, and he gave an immediate response to my jaw.





“Flow na my brother you dey blow!” His Ejima attacked me with a heavy push that almost saw me flying out of planet Earth to maybe Jupiter or Saturn.



Both Ejimas where now after Flow to devour him.


One hot blow landed to my right jaw and as I tried to figure out if it came from Chima or Chidi, another landed to my left jaw that saw me spinning like a Big wheel.







It was just left……… right………….left …………….right……………….left…………….right that my jaw saw.















PS: Take note of the Acronyms

I looked to see that the person calling me was Hajiya Farida.


“Hajiya Farida de call you, abi you no dey see well?”



I thought I had gone blind due to the shock of Sir White searching me.

I thought my legs had gone on vacation also.

“no make Hajiya make she dey wait for you na” Sir White tapped my shoulder.

“how I go make make she dey wait for me, I dey craze?” It was a though the tap on my shoulder brought back my sight.

I dared not keep Hajiya Farida waiting, the last person that did ended up in the cantonment guard room. Rather in that person’s case, he was waiting for her not keeping her waiting.


Niyi was an electrician that went to repair an electrical fault in the Hajiya Farida’s house, on getting there, Hajiya Farida invited him to her room where the electrical fault was. On getting there, she showed him where the fault was and entered the bathroom to take her bath. Niyi continued his work until Lieutenant Colonel Hamza came into his wife room and met him there. The moment Lt Colonel Hamza came into the room was the same moment Hajiya came out of the bathroom on Towel.

According to Niyi, Lt Colonel Hamza asked him; “what are you doing here?”

“I am am am am am waiting for Hajiya” he stammered.

“so that is why you were pepping at her as she was having her birth ba?” The Lieutenant Colonel lied.

Wayo alla!!!!!!" Hajiya screemed.

“no ooooooooooooooooh! I was just waiting for her to come and see if the light was working”





“My friend common run!!!!” Sir White commanded.

He commanded because her husband was the cantonment commandant at that time.


I ran like a cripple to where she parked her car waiting.



“good morning Hajiya” and it was afternoon.

“good afternoon Ugo” Yes that was what she knew me as, I had different name for different places; in the cantonment I am either known as Flow or Ugo, in my place of work, I was known as Peter or Mr Peter, in church I was either known as Peter or Bottle.
I got the name Bottle when I wanted to act Tuface Idibia and went bald. My friends in church crowned me king of the kingdom of bald men and gave me the name bottle not just because my head was as hairless as bottle, but because it looked as breakable a bottle. And to make matters worse, my Igbo name “Ugo” sounded like “Igo” in Yoruba; which means bottle.


“I like your haircut” It was the same legendary “bottle” hair cut.

“thank you ma”

“I just want to tell you I will not be around for our class tomorrow Saturday”

Hajiya was so much a fitness freak, and I was her instructor that rendered home fitness classes to her and her pot bellied husband; the commandant.


“we will not be around, I and my husband, we will be going out very early”

“ok ma”


“where are you headed?” I thought she said why is my head big.

“ASPAMDA ma” I answered.

“ok hop in lemme drop you, I am going that way”

As I hopped in, the cool feeling of the Ac made me wished where I was going to was faaaaaaaaaaaaar. But it was near.

“ok ma, bye bye” She dropped me at under bridge bus stop.

As I crossed the road, I then realized I had forgotten my phone on the car seat.

“how I go take call Chidi now?”

“And I no know him number for my head oh”

“wetin I go do na?” I thought as I walked into the market.




I remembered Chidi’s shop was in A2 building, so I hurriedly walked towards the building bringing out the Army cap and belt.

Chima how far, una cook?” I asked as I entered the house meeting Chima alone.

“e be like say food remain” He answered.

“which kin food una cook?”

“Potatoes and Beans, with plantain”


I hurried to the kitchen to get a plateful only to see that the food left was just a mouthful.


“Chima with kin wickedness be this, you tell me say food dey? Shey na food be this?”

“guy, na Chidi wack the food com remain that small thing”


“ehen, where Chidi go sef?” I was back to join Chima watching an American movie.

“him go market?”

Chidi was in charge of Chidinma’s elder brother’s Phone shop in Autoparts ASPAMDA little wonder he changed phone like he changed boxers.
I will never forget the day he called me to come threaten one of his customers to pay him the money he owed him; that I should come putting on a fully Army regalia.


“Captain Flow!!!! Can you send some boys to come and deal with this I’diot here?”

“which I’diot,?” like I was a captain; captain of a football team I suppose?

“the I’diot refused paying me my money since 5 months now”

“how much is the money?” I asked.

“captain, he is owing me 30,000 naira”

“ok, can you give me 1 hour lemme finish what I am doing, I will come and bangle the b’astard to the barracks” I wasn’t really busy, no i was busy; busy sleeping.

I went back to sleep but couldn’t find it.

“which kin wahala be this, how this guy want make I form wetin I no be?” I thought.

“I no wan enter wahala oh”

Power had narrated how he was almost killed by an Okada man the day he claimed he was a Soldier. He said he told one bike man he boarded his bike that he was not going to pay for the ride, that he was a "staff", little did he know that that bike man that carried him was a Soldier that was hustling so as to make more money. To make matters worse, the Soldier knew him well. To cut the already short story long, Power ended up parking all the sand in the cantonment major vehicular roads.



Mathematics question: If Power parked 7 trips of sand in 6 days, how many days will it take Flow to park the same number of trips, if both men worked at the same speed? (Answers should be in two decimal places)




“e be like say I no go go oh” I told myself.

But as I thought of the amount involved, I changed my mind owing to the fact that I was sure Chidi would grease my palm.





About 45 minutes later, I pocketed an Army camouflage cap and an Army belt in the both pockets of by Three quarter short. The problem on my mind at that moment was how to cross the cantonment gate without being searched. Sir White and co had started a new style of searching whoever that was leaving the cantonment, not everyone but those that dressed suspicious like i dressed that afternoon.



“Nothing dey happen, them no go search me” I told myself as I boarded a bus heading to the cantonment gate where I would met my Waterloo. Or so I thought.





“where you dey go?” It was Sir White.

“I dey go work?” I answered.

“which kin work you dey go wey you dress like this?” He questioned.

“normal work na”

“abeg wait make I search you, i suspect you” Like he had eyes that saw through one's pocket.



I saw my heart fell out of my mouth.


“I no carry anything na” He walked close to me as I saw in my mind’s eyes that he had already given me two hot whips with the Koboko he held. I also saw him sending me to the ground with a heavy punch.



“I know say you no carry anything, but make I just search you” I had seen myself breaking the record I had kept as the only one amongst my friends that had not been locked up in the guard room.






He was “this” close to searching me and discovering I had committed what was regarded an abomination in the cantonment, when I was suddenly saved by the bell.



“eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa!!! Call him for me!!!” I heard.



“Madam dey call you!!!” I thought I heard “Mad man dey call you”



“Which mad man?” I asked


“madam dey call you, see her there”

waistaa:
;DTeam front page...ji si ike,eku ise,ke anam-o

Thanks man