₦airaland Forum

una notice something??

You can't quote someone's post. Or is it my eyes?

Is it because of the "literature pirates"?

make una no vex, i have been very busy.

“hello!!! who am I talked to?” I spat venom. Grammatical venom.

“ you are talking- talking-talking to Ife” She needed to let me know I had erred in my grammar.

“who is Evey” I thought I heard Evey.

“Ife!!! Ife!” The caller spelt it out.

“ok!! Ife! How are you?”

“Am fine, Peter, are you with that money?” I had promised that week to give her the money i owed her.

“Yes!!! Am with it, I even said after work today, I will come to the house to give you.

“can you bring it to the house now?”

“But…….. but………….”

“no buts, just come now!!!” Like she needed the money badly.

“I want to come, but where I am presently is very far from the house”

“Just come I will give you back whatever you spend on transport”

“ok! I will come, but just give me some time to withdraw the money form the nearest ATM”

“ok! Don’t keep me waiting” She hung up.

“this one wey Ife the Finance Minister dey need money, you sure say this work wey I dey do now them no go owe me?” I said to my self.

If Ife was cash broke, it meant one thing; that Mr Wole Akeju was also cash broke, as Ife was his Finance Minister; keeping all the money of his businesses. Why? You would ask, Because Mr Wole was a spendthrift.




By the roadside in the street called Akerele in Surulere seated a restaurant “Chop Belleful”. I checked my stomach to see if I needed to “chop Belleful”, of course I needed to even “chop over Bellleful”.


The Restaurant was so so crowded that I could barely see an empty seat. When it was my turn to be served, this was my order: “madam give me Rice and beans, put and small spaghetti and four Moi Moi, put two Kpomo and two Shaki, and one head of Fish”. The woman attending to me took another look at me, and I wondered why.


“Abeg help me tell that woman wey dey sell drink make she bring Orobo Pepsi” I was still ordering.




To my greatest surprise, I was served a mountainful. “who you say make I give” I thought she wanted me to pass it to someone behind.


“na your own!! Your money na 500 naira”

One of the Moi Moi was almost dropping so I balanced it with my handkerchief, making a mess of my “in between White and Brown” handkerchief.


“oga your money na five hundred naira oh” The food seller repeated.


“for wetin!!! How this food wey sma……. Like this go be 500 naira?” I almost said the food was small, but on feeling the weight no my hand, I told myself the truth.


The last time I worked out was about a week ago, but that afternoon, the plate of food was like a 50kg dumbbell to my right hand.


“see your Orobo Pepsi here!!” that was another dumbbell but to my left hand.


I practically dangled as I walked to locate a seat directly opposite a bald guy; and beside the standing fan.

“oga!!! You never pay me oh” The woman that gave me the Pepsi said.


“where the hand wey I go take pay you?”

I hurriedly placed my food on the table in other for people not to see the mountain Everest I was carrying. The plastic table really felt the pains or carrying such mountain.

“oboy na only you go chop this one??” the bald guy asked.


“no oh!!!! We dey three wey go chop am”


As I walked to give the drink seller her money, all what was on my mind was how I would bring down that mountain Everest.


“abi make I run leave the food?” I told myself.


“kai!! How I go run leave food wey I don pay for, I go try finish am jor” I assured.


“so where the remaining two people na?” The bald guy was really troubling me.


“them go piss, them dey come”





The first Moi Moi I took looked more like my Paul Smith shoe, the spaghetti looked more like Daddy Shokey’s dreadlocks, while the Kpomo was as strong as a Talking drum leather.




How I wished I never ordered for that much. Oh! How I wish.





I was about half way eating, when I suddenly started farting unending.


A lady seated close to me looked at me with fury, this kind of look: “mumu! You don dey chop big food, how you no go dey mess any how??”.

And I gave her a “shey I no dey free to mess anywhere? Abi mess get toilet?” look.


I was still battling with the extra large hard Kpomo when I heard a guy complained; “Madam chop belleful, this your Kpomo strong oh!!”

“yes oh, na true oh” I supported.


“make una no vex abeg, una know say no be so my Kpomo dey dey, I buy this one from another place”


I was still struggling with my large Kpomo when all of sudden; “yeaeeeeeeaaaa!!! Pepper don enter my eye oh!!!!!!”

I cried bitterly when I at that moment could feel the peppery in my Retina, then it moved to my Pupil. I was going blind.

“your Kpomo don blind person oh!!!!!!”

“how him no go blind? When him dey chop food wey big pass am” I heard the lady by my side said.

“you dey craze oh!! Nahim make you ugly like monkey” I cursed within.




I rushed outside to wash my eyes with a bowl of water I took from my table, without seeing the content of the bowl.



Miraculously, after two minutes of washing my eyes with the water from the bowl, my eyes stopped being peppery. Not knowing it was only a break; an appetizer, the main dish was on the way.


The “part two” of the peppery feeling started as I was about going back to continue my meal.
“yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I don die oh!!!” I was sure I was either blind or I had caught Glaucoma. Or both.






About Fifteen minutes later, I had regained my sight to see that the water from the bowl was water someone used to wash hand after eating. The water contained particles of Egusi and two b'alls of Eba.




I got to my table only to discover that my remaining food was gone. My Orobo was also gone. The bald guy had done his worse.




Fortunately, as I left the restaurant, I saw a Sun Shade seller. I bought a very dark Sun Shade, not to protect my eyes from the effect of the Sun on my already damaged eyes, but to cover my “Irritating burgundy Red eyes” from the viewing eyes of the public.







As if that was all for the day.

"where that Flow sef, go knock for their door" I heard some voices close to my window that night.

"him no dey" I changed my voice to feminine instanta.

"where him go?" That voice sounded like Sir White's.

"Him go him friend house go sleep there" My voice was still feminine.


Changing my voice feminine was a skill i learned from the Ejimas and it had saved me from troubles a lot of time. Like when Funmi needed a female to call her ex and there was none available but Kel, since Kel as an enemy to Funmi, and since Funmi knew i was good at changing voices i was asked by her to form the voice of a female to call her ex, telling him i was a friend of Funmi's that was madly in love with him. I did a perfect job and Funmi paid me handsomely in kind not cash.


Since the first day Funmi paid me in kind, she had continued ever since paying me in kind for no services done. She had not stopped giving it to me on weekly bases. She surprised me one day when she told me to come give it hard to her on her parent's matrimonial bed. I pleaded with her, but she refused saying even if her dad caught us, he wouldn't do anything to her. Of a truth, her Dad wouldn't do her anything, but he would do so many things to me, things like me losing my job and landing in jail.

I had swam pass the sweet ocean in between Funmi's leg so many times, but that day the ocean was bitter as my eyes were always at the door and my mind was figuring the best escape route; the Window or the Fridge.

Having s'ex that afternoon was like doing push up exercise. I had done about 52 push ups when someone s'lamed the door open.




"What!!!! what is happening here!!!" Mrs Akeju yelled.


"no......... no........... nothing ma!!!" I jumped out of the bed.

"what!!! on my matrimonial bed!"

"no ma!! she cause it all" I accused.



That day, i ran out of their compound with just Boxers. If it were not for an A'boki that housed me in his shop until Funmi brought my clothes, i would had gone home with just boxers. When Funmi came to the A'boki's shop to give me my clothes, she apologized to me promising me her Dad would not hear of it, that even if he heard, he would not do anything to herself and me, and that she would cook up a good lie to tell him.






"where that him friend house dey?" Another guy that was with Sir White asked.

"e far well well oh!!" I answered as my Cousin Ngozi giggled and i beckoned on her not to laugh.

"but him say make i give una one shoe oh"

"ok!! where the shoe?"

"make i bring am come" I gave my Cousin the shoe to go give to them.

"God save am!!!!"


"take this Kunu, give am, tell am say na him friend Segun say make we give am make him drink" I could recognize the voice as that of the Micheal the son of the Kunu seller that was also a soldier.


My Cousin collected it and they both left; Sir White and Micheal.


"put the Kunu for Fridge for am oh!!" Said MIcheal.

Ramwab94:
Yess, A urine-diluted sweetened evaporated kunu is what you'll take. I'd take a wild guess Flow, ontop suspendin stories until plagiarism stops and Seun and NL Mods find a lastin solution to it, I'll advice you continue your work as it'll really affect the pace and integrity of your story.

You think it's Urine u might be disappointed.

Ramwab94:
Yess ooo, Seun dey pay dem Mods wey dey work with him oo. No be small thin. But how much do they collect and Do they get paid Weekly or Monthly were questions I couldn't answer.

that said, Vote for Flow for Literature section moderator..................... APC!!!!! change!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ramwab94:
Yess, A urine-diluted sweetened evaporated kunu is what you'll take. I'd take a wild guess Flow, ontop suspendin stories until plagiarism stops and Seun and NL Mods find a lastin solution to it, I'll advice you continue your work as it'll really affect the pace and integrity of your story.

OK noted.

I heard ishilove is now modarating


Imagine Flow as a Moderator!!!!!!!!!

Do they pay them?

"you must pay me this money before two weeks oh, u don hear?" Segun warned as we sat to drink Kunu.

"Ehnnnn! I go pay before then sef, you know say we go start work again tomorrow"

"which kin work be the work sef?" James who had already gone half way his Kunu asked.

"Oboh na Fidelity Anual report, and you know say e dey heavy well well" I replied.


The last time we went to deliver Fedelity Bank's annual report, i developed a bad posture; my shoulder structure got bent; it took about four months for it to get straightened all thanks to Ori the wonder working natural balm since 1901.


"oboy make oga pay us well for this Fedelity oh, or else me i no go do" Segun said.

"him dey pay well na' him say na 150 for one"




"oboy see fly plenty for inside your Kunu oh" Natty who was at the other table said to me.

"where the fly?" I asked.

"see am na, you no dey see well?" He was practically dipping his hands into my cup of Kunu.

"u don see am?"

"i never see am oh"

"wait make i show you na" he raised my cup of Kunu to the skies like he was looking to differentiate a real naira note from counterfeit.



I turned to count the money Segun gave me to be 45,000 naira. As i turned back towards Natty, he had drank my full cup of Kunu and ran.

Natty could best be described as either the Senior brother to the character in "The masquerade" soap opera, or he was his twin brother. He loved anything food so much. I was told Beans and P'oo was mixed for him to eat, and he ate, sending it down home with Urine and Sprite. Who did him such wickedness; no other than his best friend Power.

He shared every of Power's meal with him; Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. So one day, Power was fed up with him shorting his ration so he planned with another friend Maleek and they both but P'oo in his Beans, and Urine in his Sprite.



Upon all the food Natty ate, he was still as slim as a pencil. Upon all the food Sir White's provided for him, he was still Slim but not Shady. Nzube Eze aka Natty was the Younger brother to the dreaded Chibuzo Eze aka Sir White. Sir white provided all the food stuff they needed at home; infact their home was a home of all food. Sir White was in charge of collecting monthly dues from shop owners in Mammy market; whoever refused paying, he made sure a food item is collected from the person's shop. Not only food, as well as clothes and Shoes, little wonder Natty could be regarded as the best dressed in the Cantonment.




"Power help me catch am!!!!" I ordered.

Power being a Martial artist like me was ever agile, so he ran after Natty and caught him.

"bring am here!!!" I commanded.

Natty was brought to me and i knew not where i would start to beat him. But again, i thought otherwise owing to the fact that he was the brother to the dreaded Sir White.

"pull him shoe for me" I commanded Power.

Godspower Adeleye being a lower belt to me in Taekwondo respected me a lot, and did what ever i commanded him to do.

He removed Natty's shoe and handed it over to me.


Mehn!!!! The shoe was fine, and since i had only but one tattered shoe, i took his shoe giving him my slippers to wear home.

"na my brother own oh" he informed.

"ehen! if na your brother own nkor!! who be your brother sef?"

"him brother na Sir White oh!" Power warned.

Power feared Sir white so much that he hardly visited his friend Natty at home. Where the fear for Sir White grew taller in Power was the day Sir White caught him with M'arijuana and ordered some soldiers to lock him up in the guard room. Power slept in the guard room for about 23 days not just because he was caught with M'arijuana, but also becuase he was the boo of Sir White's younger sister Nneka.


"guy give am back him shoe na" Segun pleaded.

"i no go give am, why him drink my Kunu?" I fired.


"I go tell my Brother say you don collect him shoe, you go see" Natty the Lilly livered boy threatened.

"ehn!! tell am, i go tell am say you drink my Kunu" I was playing with fire.

I wore the Shoe and it fitted perfectly.

"see as the shoe fit me na" I said as Power and Natty left.

"this shoe go put you for trouble oh" James warned.

"Abeg forget that thing!!!"



I had lost a cup of Kunu thats for sure, but i never knew i would drink a bigger cup of "dilluted sweetened evaporated Kunu" that night.

Warlord3000:
No disrespect flow...

If you started a story and decided to stop midway...

Readers will be quite disappointed in your word for starting a story and you stopped updating...

Trust me... People won't die cos they would move on...

The next story is just a click away via Google.. [Internet age]...

As much as work stealing ain't cool... Most of the guys writing here have been advised to create blog or website and put your post there and make returns in token from it...

Glowingscene used to do it and she did it quite well....
Her Web page story is always a step of the nl update.. Meaning curious people always go there to read first and of course she can smile at the end of the day to the bank..

Word of advise: strike action won't work...

Personal opinion Sha...

I might be spilling out jargons sha

When i said i wanted this story to be the best this year, i meant every word of it.
But wetin people dey do, me i no like am

I think they should do something about it, mind you, i am not stopping.

Bluestarry:
sex starved and his works are being copied? Oga flow pause your works.

Ok i don hear

stuff46:
just stop updating and delit the old ones

Ok no wahala

na true Dyoungstar talk..................... Industrial action will do.............. how una see am?

What the Pastor preached that Sunday was directed to me, he preached about how people involved themselves in immorality.

No, it wasn't directed to me, it was directed to those that got themselves involved in immorality at a higher percentage. I had gradually reduced the percentage of my immorality to say 30%. I at that moment had no steady girl friend, but so many girls crushed on me like i was Mr World. Or was it because i was looking more handsome lately, which could still be attributed to the fact that i had no Girlfriend.

Legend has it that when a guy is "Girlfriendless"; and i mean the real girlfriend, not side chicks and chickens, he becomes more handsome. Try it, it works.

The Pastor was half way through the sermon, when a guy i tried figuring out where we had met walked towards me. I was the Door boy, so i shook his hand welcoming him saying;"Welcome to church sir!!!", he refused letting go of my hand as he asked "where will i seat?". At that moment, my brain whispered to me that he was the guy i slapped at the bus stop the previous day for stepping on my well polished shoe and refusing to say sorry. But again, the big wheel in my brain spun to a point that i could now remember he was the Dog feed guy the other day at my Boss's house.

What later happened the other day at my Boss's house was that My Boss's wife gathered all the money she and Ife had at home to sum up to 12,000 naira that she gave to the Dog feed guy promising him Ife would come give him the rest the next day. She told me Ife would withdraw her feeding money and take it to the Dog feed man in their office, but that i had 3 weeks to reimburse Ife. She also told me that i was to give the money directly to Ife not her, i agreed and Thank them both.


"you can go this way, she will show you where to seat" I directed the man to Blessing who in turn showed him where he would seat down. I noticed the Dog feed guy wore the same Shirt, Trousers, and Canoe looking shoe he wore to my Boss's house the other day.

All through the service, what i was thinking was that the Pastor would maybe send me on IT, or give me a suspension, or both.

IT means Industrial Training in University terms, but in my Church, it meant Church Training with acronym CI, but the church preferred calling it IT.

Workers dreaded IT because it meant for them to be posted to another Parish that is most times scantier, with fewer workers where the work load will be more and where the Pastor will discipline the worker based on his/her offenses committed.

I was accused of committing an Immorality based sin. Only God knows what my punishment would had looked like. Maybe i would be asked to go wash the Pastor's wife toilet, or maybe not.


Church closed and i wished i could run home.




"so you are trying to say, you asked both two ladies out" The Pastor needed to know.

"no oh!!! I was just friends with this one oh" I pointed at Blessing.

""without my knowing eeeeeennnn?" Pastor asked.


"must i ask for your permission before i will be friends with someone?" I almost asked.





2 Hours of accusations and counter accusations.

"I have heard the complains of all of you, and this is my Judgement............................"


The Judgement of Pastor Ben was word, he spoke, and whatever he spoke was final.




"Sister Mercy you lite the whole fire of lies, your punishment is that you will be going on suspension for two weeks, of which, within this two weeks you will not function as a worker".


"and you Brother Peter, your punishment is........................................."


"your punishment is that you will be going on IT to our sister parish in Dada street " I thought i heard him said.



The parish in Dada street was the worst of parishes i had ever seen since a parish i saw in Mushin while doing my delivery job.

While the parish in Mushin had sign post of a blackboard with the name of the church inscribed with what looked to me like green chalk, the church in Dada street had a befitting sign post. While the parish in Mushin was constructed with what looked like Cardboard paper, the parish at Dada street was constructed with what can be best described as Bamboo. But, while the road that led to the parish in Mushin was well tarred, the road that led to the parish in Dada street was horrible to walk on not to talk of to drive on.

When my friend Solomon went on IT to the parish in Dada street, he came back to attest to the fact that the parish had only 7 members plus him; The Pastor, his Wife, His three Children who were workers, and two other members. He said one day when it rained heavily, he prayed in tongues for the rain to stop, but it continued raining leaving him with no choice but to wear a Rain boot to church since an IT student had no choice of missing a Sunday come what may. On getting to the junction that led to Dada street, he saw that the Rain boot was of no use and since the water got to his stomach level he had no choice but to swim, removing the Rain boot. He swam not because he knew how to swim, but because he had to be in church before 7am no matter the cost or he would repeat his IT of which he had already repeated 3 months.

Dada street was indeed a punishment zone you will agree with me. Especially in raining session.


"Your punishment is that you will read this book in two weeks, and come back on the third week to explain the content of the book to me" he handed over a book to me.


"How to find a Wife" was the title of the book.


I was never in search of a Wife, at least i never lost one.





We left the Pastor's office with Blessing sobbing and Mercy smiling.







I at that moment discovered i was hungry when my stomach sang song of praise. Hungry and broke. I needed money badly.




On getting downstairs where the church auditorium was, i saw someone.


Someone that owed me.



"Monday you must pay me my money today!!!!!" I held his shirt.

Bunsky:
The real flow,i always enjoy your stories.
Though i'm a silent reader.
Keep it up!

Make una no vex, i for update again, but i am tired and hungry, and sleep beckons.





STILL I FLOW na............................................. abi no be so?

pcaliphate:
Keep it up! Bro. But make the update more consistent & lengthy. Then our aim for the Front page and beyond shall be accomplished.

ok. it's just my busy schedule thats why.




It wouldn't only make font page, it will be the best this year, i promise.

It was another Sunday.


"I don late for Church, give me my wallet, e dey for table" I stood at the door beckoning on my Cousin.






My Church??........................... RCCG.

And, don't be shocked, i was a worker, an Usher.

I had promised my Creator to still be a worker in the vineyard even though i wallowed in sin, i knew some day i would turn a total new leaf, and just maybe i might climb to be a Pastor, just maybe.



"Peter you are not properly dressed, where is your Tie?" The head Usher jabbed.

"Good morning sir!! it's in my bag"

"good morning, pls go and start cleaning the Ministers seat" He ordered.

Since the day something happened to me, i dreaded cleaning ministers seat like a plague.

That day, the seat of the parish pastor shocked me like a n'aked wire would. Were it not to be that my crush Usher by name Blessing stood by my side, i would had fell to the ground, but i pretended nothing happened. My questions after the whole thing was that; "but i had been cleaning the same chair for God knows how long now, what went wrong that day?", "was it because i had almost slapped a church member by name Monday that morning for refusing to pay me the 2k be owed me that the Pastor's chair detected i still had anger boiling and it shocked me?" and last but not the least of the questions; "was it because i had mistakenly stared at Blessing's Behind, and my Stick responded immediately making my suit trouser looked shapeless?", or what? If the latter be the case, then Blessing was the cause, she always wore "above the knee but very tight skirt" every Sunday making me ask God for forgiveness for lusting every 4 minutes.

Blessing!!! she made me joined the Ushering department, not to lure her to my bed, but to make her my friend, girlfriend, and maybe Wife. But, she had one problem; she was very very very materialistic.



"Peter can i see you in private pls" I heard a sweet voice.

I thought she said "Peter can i see your p'rivate part pls" and i almost answered "yes you can".



"did you tell anybody in this church that i was very very very materialistic, and that you have slept with me, and that you have used and dumped me?" That was like a Further maths question in WAEC.

"no i did not"


"are you sure?" Kemi her friend that was present asked.

"wetin concern this one" I almost fired.

Kemi used to be my friend, but i started disliking her when she rebelled against me as the Drama head of the church, and also when she and her evil plotters made the youth Pastor resolved me being the Youth leader.


I was the Youth leader, but with so many troubles from "old unmarried spinsters" who felt because i was younger than them, i shouldn't lead them.

How i became a Parish Youth leader was well planned by me, and ordained by God. I read a book that told me "if you want to Overthrow the leader and you are part of his Cabinet, disable him; make everything be dependent on you; be in the center of every innovation". I knew i wasn't supposed to apply Machiavelli in the house of God, but i did that because i eyed the number one position not for political reasons but just to be at the helm of affairs of an ecclesiastical gathering like the Youth fellowship. And like Peter my name sake in the Bible, i was glad being "The Rock" everywhere i go; in Church, at Work, amongst my friends, to mention but a few.


"are you sure? i will call the person that said it oh" Blessing said, as i saw anger all over her. The cloud in her eyes was dark, it was about to rain on her face.

"pls do!!!"



"wetin dey happen oooooh? abi Pastor don hear say i chyke this girl?"

"but she no gree for me na" I was lost in my thought when the person she talked about came.

It was Mercy!!! Merciless Mercy the Choir member.

She had a crush on me, but if i was really sincere to myself, i wanted her for nothing else but s'ex, otherwise i wanted her not. She had an attitude challenge i never liked, and more also, she was older than me. At 29 she was unmarried and offered to marry me. I laughed at such marriage offers. Reminds me of a special prayer Vigil that my church organized sometime in January. The Pastor said and i quote: "turn to your neighbor, if He/She is not married say to him/her - neighbor!! you will surely get married this year". Mummy Tochukwu that was my neighbor said it loudly to me, and while other single brothers and sisters answered "Amen", i answered "God forbid" not to the hearing of Mummy Tochukwu who had told me severally to go get married. I answered "God forbid" not because i wasn't ready for marriage, but because i had no house of my own, no good job, no car, and no bride price. Infact in my account as at when Mummy Tochukwu made the proclamation was just 4,000 naira and it wasn't enough to buy or rent a wedding gown.




"did Peter actually tell you what you told me?" Kemi asked Mercy.


"what did i tell you?" Mercy asked.

"ooooooh! you don forget abi?" Blessing said akimbo.

"that Blessing here is materialistic and that Peter said he has used and dumped her"

"oboy eeeeeeh!!! check out oh" I exclaimed.

"Mercy you don kill me, i no talk like that na" I cried within.



"he never said anything like that" Mercy said.


"who then told you?" Kemi inquired.

At that moment i wondered why Kemi was such an hypocrite; she was bosom friends to both ladies, i wondered how she coped owing to the fact that both Ladies were always at logger head.


"bloody lier!!!" Blessiing cursed.

"is You and your family that are Bloody liers!!!" Mercy flung her hand and it mistakenly struck my p'enis, it was really painful, but not as painful as the pains of two beautiful ladies fighting over you.




"you know what? the pastor have already heard about this, after service, we will go and see him" kemi announced.


I at that moment wished an earthquake could happen and swallow me instanta.



I was going to be banned...



Or so i thought.

Ramwab94:
Flow, make una take am easy oooo. Life no dey get duplicate jor!

That was then na. Now men dey reason better things

If you will read this story to the end, you will understand that Flow changed for the better, but gradually. Haven't u noticed there is one thing Flow haven't done so far? As in, when compared to the Flow in man wey dey reason?

stuff46:
lol

that's wats up

Psalmwise:
Drinking beer and cake is lik eatoin beans and plenty sugar...,u go shit to be contoinued

Just try am first

Soon i was on my third bottle of Odeku.

"Flow come take Vodka take wash your system" Onye Nku offered.

"i no want drink, my system dey ok"

There were Seven bottles of Vodka still standing, one was down.

"you dey Jones oh, everybody for here dey drink Vodka, na only you dey drink Beer" Fat Joe added.

"i no want drink na, na by force?"

Legend has it that Vodka is the only drink that humbles the proud.

The talkative Chibyke was really humbled.

"you don dey do like women now, take drink jor!!!" Chima offered.

As i saw that the number of ladies present had increased, of which one sat close to me c'aressing my head, i put on my drinking cap to see if it could help, and i gulped about half a bottle of Vodka like i was in a drinking competition.

I was Humbled to the bone.


My Heart, Liver, Kidneys, Blood tissues, Sinews, Arteries, Lungs and Five senses were all humbled.


"Mr Flow!!!!" Chidi hailed.

"Mr Chima!!!!!" I thought it was Chima that hailed.

In the Ejima's world, everyone was a "Mr", even a two year old boy, I learned the habit from then. Up until as i write, i prefer to add a "Mr" to the name of every Male, even a newly born.

It was getting dark, so generator was put on to light up the house.

"how many liters of fuel you put for the generator" Chima asked Chidi.

"na one liter oh,e go reach us till tomorrow na" Chidi answered.

" e go reach remain sef"


Umu Ejima were so good at Fuel Economics that sometimes i wondered if it was a borrowed course they studied in school; a course i missed all classes; a course that IMSU and FUTO industrial Physics Department offered. They could economize as little as One liter of Premium Motor Spirit for 5 hours or so, i wondered how they did it. I at times wondered if they mixed it with water. It was a closely kept secret i planned to uncover someday.


Soon i had drank a full bottle of an unknown make of Vodka. I at that Moment saw Angels as Demons, and Demons as Angels, they Both flew around my head.

"Pammy don come oh" Chima announced. That was his favorite.

A 25liters keg was full to the brim.

"Make i taste am first" I knew not the devil that spoke that. Devil had started speaking on my behalf from the moment i drank a whole bottle of Vodka.

Chima the Minister of Pammy offered me a Cup that flowed down my stomach like a water would to a waterfall.

The pammy was so so delicious that i took one more cup, and i noticed it accommodated something else..

"ehnnnnn! Bitter-leaf dey the Pammy" I asked as i spat out some residue.


"hahahahaha!!! you funny oh" Chibyke laughed.

"no na, wetin be this bitter things wey comot for my mouth" I inquired.

"na Igbo leaf" Chima answered.

"no be only ibo leaf, na Hausa leaf" i thought i heard "Igbo" the tride.

"hahahahahahaha!!!! him mean Igbo wey them dey smoke" Fat Joe giggled.

"no na, why una put am igbo na?" I had pledged not to take any drink containing M'arijuana since what happened during my service year; since Ilorin and co.

"na so we want am na" Godwin said.



I was about taking forty winks when Chidinma served pepper soup, followed by fried rice.


Then, another drink was served. It was the the almighty Mac Dowells.

I drank just half a cup, then sleep came.

It wasn't sleep, it was brain shut down.


My brain shut down, and my eyes followed suit, leaving my nervous system to make a "tick-tac" sound every five seconds.




I stood up, heading to the Toilet.


"Flow where you dey go? we never finish this bootle of Mac Dowells, and na two bottle them buy oh" Godwin announced.


"You dey craze abi?, una wan kill person?"

That was the Fourteenth time of me going to the toilet.

"abeg come sit down drink more jor, you be woman?"

"yes i be woman" I answered and everyone laughed unending.

"una no know say - he that drinks and run away will live to drink another" I postulated an adage, they continued laughing not knowing what i was going through.

It was indeed a long journey to the toilet that someone that traveled to Sokoto will arrive his destination before me.

I finally arrived my destination and the problem at that juncture was to figure out if my p'enis was on my chest or in between my legs.

Immediately i unzipped, urine poured out in torrents.

"Flow!!!! you dey p'iss for kitchen ooooooooh!!!!!!" I heard Chidi yelled.

"you be mumu oh, na kitchen be this?" I replied.


I urinated in the Kitchen; into the open pot of Rice that was left.





45 minutes later.


"Flow you no dey drink again" said Fat Joe.

"i no want drink na, na by force"

"no drink oh, make you no go p'iss for pot of Rice again" they all laughed at me, include the females there present.

The laugh continue as i stood up to go urinate again.

"see road to toilet here" Chima directed me to the path that led to the toilet.

I was in the real toilet this time around, but forgetting that i had to zip down before urinating, so i urinated on my Jean.


All of a sudden my stomach started rumbling and mumbling like river Nile and river Niger met there.



"gooooooooooouuuuuuuur!!!" I threw up into the toilet sink.

"Flow take am easy oh" Chidi spoke as they continued laughing, like i was some comedian.

The whole toilet was messed up in no time, it had the colours of the rainbow.


I didn't see the disgust in what i threw up but the beauty. I saw a well furnished Hotel suite with an eye catching pillow, so i lay down to rest.

The Toilet seat acted as my pillow with my head dipped into where p'oo was accomodated. My friends came in one after the other not to put on the Air conditioner but to laugh at me.

The Air conditioner was later put on by PHCN when power was restored and the shower started running.

"who put on this A/c? God go bless that person"

"Flow!! you no go comot for this toilet? na for there you go sleep?" Only Chima Loved me that much.

He tried dragging me out, but i was glued so tight to my "foreign made" pillow.

He turned the shower off and i complained saying: "why you off the air condition na??"





The next day when "my eye clear", i was told they all urinated and p'ooed in the nearby bush just because i refused leaving the toilet.

For the next few weeks, i was living in Penury. I was owing, and yet there wasn't any delivery job for us.

I was feeding from hand to mouth, and such situations, i detested staying around Family members because of the demands. So i went on vacation to my twin friends in Iba Estate.

Chidi and Chima.


I first met Chima who was in the same department with me in school, before i met Chidi who was in the same department also but in a different school in the same state of Imo.

Imo was their state of Origin, Mbaise was their Local Government Area, Port Harcourt was their Family base. But they based in Lagos courtesy of a Ugly Girl Chidinma.

Chidinma was the Girlfriend to Chidi, while Chima wanted my younger sister as Girlfriend.

Chidinma was as Tall as she was Ugly. And she was as Ugly as she spoke. She spoke "pure Queen's Igbotic English".



The date was July 4th; Chidinma's Birthday; as well as Kel my Ex.

I needed not to split myself into two equal halves to attend both occasions, i had made up my mind. So switching off my phone was my next bet.



"Mr Flow!!!" Was the song of praise as i entered the Estate that evening.


I was on a Red T Shirt, Blue Jean and of course my "drinking cap".


The cap when worn was notable to reduce the alcoholic intoxication of the wearer. Or so i thought.

Ejima never smoked, never womanized, but they Drank.

They both can run down the supplies in Nigerian Breweries within 24 hours. If it were just Beer that they liked drinking, i wouldn't had pitied their Kidneys. They loved Vodka like an infant loved suckling. I am sometimes scared of drinking water in their house with the fear that it might as well be water mixed with Vodka.


"Mr Flow!!!!!"

"how far my guys" I shook them both, as well as Ola their disciple.

One thing about Chima and Chidi was that they were professional con men and Ola was their Evangelist.

They could con even the Pope all thanks to where they are from; Mbaise!!!

I had met a handful of Mbaise guys, none has ever proved me wrong that all men from Mbaise are con men. None yet!!


"Olaniyi Olanipekun!!!!!!" I hailed Ola who was gulping directly from a bottle of Vodka. He had been tutored in the University of Vodja and he graduated with good grades, i was one student that had failed in gaining admission into the University.



"Flow i don tell you make you no dey call me Olaniyi, my name na Olatunji" He warned.

He had warned me severally not to call him "Olaniyi" since the day Chidi told him the meaning in Igbo language. It meant "a lost child". Indeed Ola was a lost child in all sense of it. He had a blossoming business in Benin Republic, not until a Yoruba girl from Benin ruined his life making him lose all he had. He ran back to Nigeria to start life afresh yet he met another Yoruba girl that gave him technical knockout that landed him in prison for 4 years. He came out of jail and got a lucrative job as a Motor park tout. Due to greed, he stole a huge amount of money from their "Agbero" head office and ran to make fortress in Iba Estate where he met the Ejimas.

How he met Ejima was when he was engaged in a fracas with Chidi, who called his twin Brother Chima and they both beat the hell out of him that he was hospitalized. Since that day Ola had been their best of friend.



The birthday began with cutting of the cake. As we cut the cake, i failed not to remind Chidi how we celebrated his Girlfriend's last Birthday with Cake and Beer. That was my first day of combining both. **My dear Brothers and Sisters reading this, Woe betide me if i fail to tell you to try this recipe, it is very delicious, but, be sure to build your room close to the toilet 3 hours after taking them both**. What happened to Myself, Chidi and Godwin who ate the combination was disastrous.

Chima was still in Owerri doing business, so it was myself, Chidi and Godwin that woke to the break of July 4th that year. Chidinma had told Chidi severally that her birthday must be celebrated even though Chidi had been telling her he had no money for such, she still insisted. So we all got dressed and headed to one Hiltop Hotel that was in a deserted area i could barely recollect. Chidinma never failed to come along with her birthday cake. She was so daft a girl that she made sure we cut the cake, sang her a birthday song, and ate the cake that tasted half baked even while drinking Beer. While Chidi and Godwin started complaining of running stomach about 3 hours later, i started complaining almost immediately visiting the Hotel's rest room every 2 minutes with a particular walking step; like i had Elephantiasis of the S'crotum.

I never forgave the daft Igbotic Chidinma since that day. Or i forgave her, but i never forgot.




30 minutes and the number of guys present had increased to 8; Fat Joe, Godwin, Chibyke, Nonso, Dady Munso, Onye Nku, Chidi, Chima, Ola, and Yours truly Flow.


"na only Guys guys dey this party?" Onye Nku noticed.

Onye Nku was not a birthname just as Dady Munso was not a birthname also, likewise Chibyke. At some point i thought these were their real names.

"As our faces are different, so are our challenges" they say, but i say "as our faces are different so are our characters". These men were real characters.


The cake was cut and shared to everyone present except me who blatantly refused to take what would cause my system havoc. Chidinma almost shut me with a Gun on the head for not eating her birthday cake, but i was once beaten and i had to be twice shy, owing to the fact that i wanted to stick to my brand Guinness all through the party.





Never knowing i would drink about Five brands that would cause me to sleep on a "Water Bed" that Night.

If you have read the last update, go back and red again for your undersanding, i corrected just one word that would have made a diference.





PS: who konws the one word?

pcaliphate:
Oga flow! Believe it or not, you are one of the best. I pray that by this time in some months, the audience here would be massive. Of no doubt, this thread shall be the best thread ever! That Nairaland has ever produced. Although there some insignificant errors! But your writing prowess overshadows any shortcomings. I beseech you not to slack or relent on your good works. The Lord Is your Strength. As I would always say, #Man wey dey reason was a bomb! This one shall be bomber# I remain your loyal fan.

Thank you and God bless.

Pls i would love you to point out the insignificant errors so i will make amends.



STILL I GO DEY FLOW

"where this money!!!!" I was slowly going Mad.

I opened all the hidden areas of my wallet to see if the money took a walk there, i saw nothing but several sheets of paper and my wish was that those papers changed to money; to 50,000 naira or more.

"owo nlo!!!" I cried.


"that bastard jazz man don disappear my money" I was already close to my Boss'es house.

"i dey go back to that mumu jazz man go give am him phone and collect my money, if him no give me my money ehn, i go show am say i sabi fight" I had concluded, and as i was about turning around to go to the con man, i heard: "Mr Peter are you going to the house?"

It was Mrs Gladys Akeju.

"Good afternoon ma!!!"

"yes!! i was actually going to your house ma"

"and why is your face like this?" She eyeballed me.

"nothing ma"

"that's a lie, something is surely eating you" She queried.

"nothing ma, its just that am not feeling too well" I lied.

"what is wrong with you?" She inquired.

"I have running stomach ma"

"ehyaaaaa!!! sorry, when we get home, i will give you some drugs, it will stop"

"ok, thank you ma"

"you are the one my Husband sent to give me the money for the Dog feed abi?"

"noooooo!!........... I mean.............Yes!!" I stammered.

"what do you mean No............... i mean....... Yes"

"i mean No...........Sorry, Yes........." I was near madness, very near.

"ok lets hurry home, the Dog feed man is already at home waiting, i have kept him awaiting for long"



As we walked home, i wished i took one step forward and two step backwards.


Knowing that Mr Wole Akeju loved his Dog so much, even more than his Wife, and i had lost the money that was for his Dog feed, i cried bitterly even more than the bitterness in Bitter-leaf.


"i don die oh" I spoke out.

"you are not dead, stop speaking negatively"

"when we get home i will give you some drugs" If only she knew.

If only she knew that the Money for the Dog feed was gone.




"good Afternoon Mr Peter" Ife greeted as we enter the house.

"good morning Ife" I replied.

"Mr Peter!! it is not morning" Ife corrected.

Ife was good at that, correcting people at the slightest of grammatical error, just because she was studying English Language in school.



"Madam!! i have been waiting for you for close to two hours now" A shadow dark man said.

"sorry Mr Ben, i went to the market across the street to buy something urgent, this is the guy with the money" My Boss's Wife pointed at me.

"oooooooooh God!!" I cried.


"Mr Peter!! is your stomach still disturbing you?"

"yes oh!!! yes ma!!" I was sweating in a fully air conditioned living room.

"Ife get Mr Peter Flagil" Mrs Akeju ordered.

"your husband told my Boss that he owed us 40,000 naira for our last Four supplies, plus this supply, that makes a total of 50,000 naira" The Dog feed man analyzed.



"good!! Mr Peter give him the Money" Mrs Akeju said.


"pls ma may i see you?" I requested.


"Don't worry na, Ife is bringing the drugs, you will be ok soon"

"No ma!!! I want to see you for a different thing" I spoke out.

"ok" She obliged



We were in the Kitchen in no time.



"eeeeeeeehm!! Madam, what i want to tell you is what happened to me about 45minutes ago....."


"ok, what is it, i hope it is not about your stomach?" She was over curious.

"first of all ma, i am not having running stomach, i lied to you"

"so?? why?" She touched my neck with the back of her palm to know if was running temperature because i was fidgeting.


"Mr Peter!!!! shey kosi?" She needed to know.

"Wahala Po ooh!!" I spoke what sounded like Yorubaish-Igbo.


"the...... the..... the..... ehn...... the.."

"the..... what?" She yelled

"The.. the Money daddy gave me to give to you is no where to be found ma"

"what!!!!!!!!!!! what happened to it?"

"I saw............. i saw......."

"you saw what??" She was becoming impatient.



Just then, Ife brought the drugs with a glass of water.

"Ife don't worry, he doesn't need the drugs anymore".

If there was any drug i needed at that moment, i guess it was sleeping drugs,or better still Poison.

"eheeeen!!! speak!!!!! you saw what?" Ife, while leaving turned to listen to our conversation.

"Ife go!!! there is no problem, me and Mr Peter is discussing something important"

Ife left shutting the Kitchen Door, but i still saw her eavesdropping from the knob.

That was another thing about the Beautiful girl Ife; she was the DSTV of the house. Information about everything was at her finger tips.


"ehen!!! talk na!!!! what did you see?"

"i saw this gathering where they were announcing that they were sharing ehen....... sharing phones close to Alakija bus stop, i walked to see what was happening there, as i goooooooot there eeeeeeeeehn"

"eheeeeen!! as you got there what happened" There was this Lioness look on her face.

"the man at the center of the gathering said some people should come and pick Black berry phone, and i was amongst the selected ones"


"so so so so I went into a mat to pick this phone" I brought out the phone. But to my greatest surprise....................................

To our greatest surprise........................


Immediately i brought it out, it had turned to something else. As at when it was in my pocket, it was a phone, but when i brought it out, it was another creature.


"blood of J'esus!!!!" The phone fell to the floor.


The phone was Ant infested. Big Ants!!!




The Ants stuck to what looked like an ordinary phone casing like Bee would to Nectar.

Mrs Akeju all of a sudden started Praying in Tongues, and i joined her.

My Tongues sounded like German, her's sounded like it had Yoruba flavour.


We "cast and bind" for about 10 minutes of which i opened my eyes to take a glimpse of the "Ant phone" at every 1 minute interval.


"in J'esus name!!!!!"

"Amen!!"

Immediately i said "Amen" and opened my eyes, i saw the Ants disappeared leaving just the casing. It was indeed a miracle. From that day onward i started believing in Miracles.


"thank you J'esus!!!! thank you J'esus!!!!" Mrs Akeju praised.





"so Mr Peter, tell me, what really happened to the money??"


"As i picked the phone, about 15 minutes later, and after i had left the gathering heading here, i brought out my wallet to discover that the money wasn't there"

"it was gone!!" I cried searching for tears tirelessly.


Mrs Akeju was Silent for a while thinking, then she said; "don't worry Mr Peter, we will work things out"

"work things out!!!! daddy will kill me?" I cried.

"don't worry with God all things are possible, don't you believe?"




"I believe!!!"

I have noticed that this thread is scanty most times...... or have i lost my professional touch in writing?.................................. abi una want make i enter front page first?............................ Or so i thought.



PS: The story still plenty well oh.

Warlord3000:
Oya do quick jooor...

Wetin do the money na

I go update when i don go soak my eye for water come back. my eye dey pepper me for the one wey i update.

toykathy:
awoof don shook u 4 belle

Naso ooooooooooooooh. Black magic

waslead300:
FLOW! FLOW!! FLOW!!! Where u dey, d update no dey flow nah.

Sorry about that..................... Is just that I am always very busy................... and to type no dey easy

"take this money, go give it to my wife at home" My Boss handed over some money to me.

I counted it accurately to be 51,000 naira.

"what you have there is 50,000 naira, hurry and give it to my wife"

"Oga na 51,000naira dey for here oh" I almost said.


"what of if i carry this money run nkor" I said within me as i boarded a bus heading to Alakija.

I dared not run away with my Boss'es money, he would get me most definitely, because, saying my Boss was a Commissioner of Police wasn't a lie. He was affiliated to so many Senior Police Officers. If i tried it, i would definitely get roasted like Martins.



Martins!!! Martins was one of us; hardworking, diligent; but so con a man.

He was collecting a token fee for delivering parcels to people that were gullible enough to fall easy prey. When his con clock stopped was when he went to make a verification of address of a First Bank customer; on getting to the customer's house, he asked him to pay a token of 500 naira as what he coined "delivery charges", not knowing that that customer was a Big shot in First bank. The customer blatantly refused, so his verification was inconclusive.

Where his con water boiled was when the customer called our Boss directly to report.

Martins was summoned to the office, and as comic would have it, i got to the office before everyone that evening, and on seeing the three hefty Police Men with Guns, I almost ran back because the previous morning was the morning i warned Kel never to make s'exual advances on me, or else i would K'idnap her and hand her over to thugs that would r'ape her.


As i entered the office that evening, this was what transpired: "heeaaa!! come here!!" one of the Police officers took Four steps towads me. "na Joke i dey joke with her oh" I cried, as one of them grabbed my shirt. "na you be the thief boy abi". "i no be thief oooh" I cried as two of the Officers gave me an orchestrated hot slap each on my head, i saw The Sun and Jupiter spinning round my head. As Kel and My Boss came out of my Boss'es office where they were, they shouted together; "that is not the Boy!!!!!!!!!".

Martins really looked good on cuffs, and i pitied him not. "see the mumu wey make me chop two hot slap" I spoke out as Martins was dragged to the pick-up downstairs for him to have a free ride to the Police Station. "them the policemen slap you?" Amos asked me. "them no slap me oh, no be wetin i talk, i talk say, see the mumu wey for chop two hot slap" I lied since they were not present when i "ate" the slaps. "Martins don chop more than two hot slap na" James added.




"you hold change abi?" the bus conductor inquired.

"i no hold change oh, na five hundred naira i hold oh" i informed.

"You dey craze oh, you no hear me when i say if you no hold change make you no enter abi"

"i no hear you oh" I actually overheard him say that.

"as you be deaf and dumb, i no get change, you hear me now?" He was virtually shouting.

"i no be deaf and dumb"

"driver stop!! make this one comot for my bus" The bus stopped abruptly with a screech.

"Driver dey go, your conductor go find change" I pleaded.

"Abeg get down, i no want your wahala" The driver sounded drunk.

"oga!!! go down na !! go down na!!" Other passengers yelled at me.

I came down half way to were i was going, and since i saw that the rest distance was "leggable", i applied Johnny the walker. If i had known.


If i had known.


I walked 500metres like it was 50cm because i was listening to the music of a Barracks Musician Jay dee on my phone through my Ear piece. Legend has it that one walks faster when listening to music through the ear piece. It was true because in my line of Job, i had come to know that any day i left home without my ear piece, i delivered less parcels.


I was close to Alakija Bus stop when all of a sudden, i saw a gathering.


"you need Black berry phone, come take for free!!!! You need Black berry phone, come take for free!!!" The man at the center of the circular gathering kept announcing on a mega phone.


"you need Black berry phone, come and take for free!!!!"


Just then, my Boss called me asking me if i was at his house already.


After the call ended, i took a closer look at my Nokia X2 that had a gap teeth, the gap teeth was the "number 5" button that had gone as a result of the fact that i was regularly updating a story titled "Man wey dey Reason" on Nairaland Forum with it since my Laptop got damaged and there was no money for a new one.


Since the advent of several makes of Black berry phones, i had never owned one.

At that juncture, i decided i would go see if i could maybe replace my Nokia X2 with a Black berry phone.


I reached where the gathering was in no time, in time to hear the tattered looking man with the mega phone announced; "make 10 people come take this 10 Black berry phone", so i fumbled with the crowd into the Mat where the phones were.

I managed to pick a Black berry Bold Two phone with smiles. I operated the functionality of the phone, and it was sound and fine, so i left full of joy.

I was in Alakija in no time, and at that moment it was like i should throw away my Nokia X2 into the disgusting Gutter i saw. But then, i thought otherwise that i might sell it to Amos who told me he needed a phone.

I brought out my wallet to bring out my Etisalat SIM card that i thought right inserting on the Nokia X2 while the MTN would occupy the newly acquired Black berry phone.


As i brought out my Wallet, I noticed something had disappeared.



My Greatest Nightmare had occurred.





The 51,000K had traveled.

Warlord3000:
Still he flows AND still I follow

You be correct.................................................................... You don go War before Mr Warlord?

"so u have refused to fall for my advances abi?" she rolled her eyeballs s'edutively.

"i am not interested in you again" I eyeballed.

"but we once loved each other" she moved close.


"i once loved you, but this love is a lost one, i can't find it, don't you get?" My lips were close to kissing her, and i percieved her breath stinked.



"thats a big lie" She pushed me away, as i nearly fell into the trash can in the office.




"see! i think its high time you come to terms that i am no longer yours"


"you left me accusing me of cheating on you, without allowing me to explain, just because you a saw a girl in my room?"

"see, i think you have to move on with your life, i have"

"so who are you seeing now?" She needed to know.

"thats none of your business, you left me three years or so ago, and fortunately or unfortunately we meet again here, i wonder what devil brought you to me, i wonder".

Woo betide the Devil that traced Kel to me. After the Chinonso saga, i never saw Kel again, she refused picking my calls, and she barred me from coming to see her in her Hostel with this text message: "Mr Flow, if i as much as see you come close to my Hostel or Department, the B'lack a'xe confraternity will roast you alive, and i will have your meat for Dinner........Bye".

Since that day, i dreaded anything "Victory", not to talk of "Hostel", as well as i dreaded anything "Micro", not to talk of "Biology" department. Infact, if one made a statement like: "Victory Hostel Micro Biology Department", i would run to Somalia and preferred it peaceful. Why? You would ask. The reason was simply because Kel's elder brother was the head of the B'lack a'xe confraternity in my school, and also that i had turn a new leaf as per activities of a secret cult.



"i guess it's your Course rep that you are seeing now?"

"i don't know, or better still, you can ask Google for all i care" That statement really pissed her of, i saw her face frowned making her uglier.


"but i want you back" She grabbed me tight and placed my hand on Mountain Kilimanjaro. Her Kilimanjaro!!. My Aso rock stood like it was on parade.




Just then.......................


Funmi berged in on us.


"so this is what you guys do during office hours?" My Aso rock was still on parade, Funmi took a glance at it, she added one more glance.


"gen gen!!!!!!!!!!!! i done die today!!!!!" My heart beat increased.

"has it zipped!" Kel tried covering up, like i was helping her zip her dress.

"no!!!yes!!! it has zipped" I stammered.

"Mr zipper!! clap for yourself" I almost clapped.

"you can as well come help me zip my own too" She turned.



Funmi Akeju.............. The first daughter of Wole Akeju, a graduate at 24, she Managed all her Dads strings of Businesses in Lagos and beyond. Tall,Dark; the kind of dark skin that made the late Tupac Shakur sang "The Blacker the Berry, the sweeter the Juice, The Darker the Flesh, the deeper the Roots".


Roots!! that was what Funmi lacked, she lacked firm roots, she lacked discipline, a spoilt brat indeed. Her Dad provided all she wanted; she attended the best of private Universities in Nigeria, go to the best of places to have fun with her friends lavishing her Dad's money, Silverbird Cinema Lagos was like her sitting room. The type that ate Breakfast in Tasty Fried Chicken, Lunch in Tantalizers, and Dinner in Big Treat. Her Dad's Favorite amongst his Three girls.


She was very very rude, infact "ruder" than Ruud Van Nesteroy.


Yet she was another trouble to Flow's soul. A Bigger trouble.



"eheeeeeeen i wasssssssss....."

"shut up!! you p'ervert!!!" Funmi cut me mid way my saying gibberish.

"so this is what you do everyday! office romance, my Dad must hear this" Like her dad was God.

"and you will both lose your job" She threatened.


"hahahaha!!! and you believe he will sack me?" Kel laughed out loud.

"why not? you both better start looking for another job"

In my mind i had started looking for another job; i thought of joining my friend Niyi to fry Akara for his Mum.

"i know you both will be joining the unemployment market in the next 24 hours" Funmi boasted.


At that moment I saw a crown on Funmi's head, she had become the Queen of England in my mind's eye.


"i dare you Funmi" I was shocked at Kel's boldness. I wondered what gave her the effrontery to dare the Apple of Mr Wole's eyes.


"you a'shawo girl!!" Funmi cursed.

"and you tutored me in the Federal University A'shawo" Abuses were raining Cat and Dog.


"stop insulting yourselves na!!!" I said that about a hundred times.


"you think i don't know your secret?" Kel threatened.

On mentioning the word "secret" Funmi's abuses stopped abruptly, and i wondered why.


Kel had a field day abusing Funmi who rushed into her Dad's office and shut the door.


The "secret" Kel spoke of was what i tried grappling with.

"make i no dey involved for this secret oh" I thought.


"you!!! you see what you have caused abi?"

"this little girl exchanging words with me" Kel pointed fingers at me.


I thought of the rate of Unemployment in Nigeria, so i cried:"abeg make una no make me lose my job oh".

Kel hissed and said: "you better continue your work, or you get out of my front!!" I was becoming worthless to Kel by the day.

Something in me told me i would soon loose my Job, but another thing deep inside told me as far as Funmi remained the daughter of Mr Wole, i would never loose my job.

Or so i thought.