₦airaland Forum

pixtuk: man wey dey reason nd ibo wey like yoruba by flow
Nysc by mazi.....and many more

I see you. thumbs up. much love.



or so I thought

pixtuk: man wey dey reason nd ibo wey like yoruba by flow
Nysc by mazi.....and many more

I see you. thumbs up. much love.



or so I thought

Sheenor: Men wey dey reason by flow

Confession of a rough, rugged 9ja boy by money soldier

Babe in total control by Chistar....

you too much. BTW who help me see Mazi and Ishilove? it's been a while oh. Na new writers I dey see this days

[quote author=Readone3.5L]NATIONAL yEAR OF SE*X AND COMFORT BY MAZI
MAN WEY THY REASON BY FLOW
The preachers son by therock5555
Babe in total control by Chistar
Everybody Is A Genius[/quote]you be correct MAN WEY DEY REASON

That evening was like every other evening, just that it was Haruna's birthday. Or so i thought.

"Haruna today na your birthday? this one wey you sidon outside dey drink Can beer"

"oga Plow today na my Papa and Mama birthday" He smiled revealing his Sixteen and half teeth.

Haruna's teeth always fell off on a daily basis. Or so i thought.

"abi i don warn you make you no dey call me Oga Plow, na Flow, no be Plow" I said.

"sorry Oga Fplow" He tried pronouncing it rightly but couldn't. I blamed him not, "P" takes the place of "F" to every typical Hausa man, especially Illiterates. For instance, "Pepper" is pronounced "Feffer", "People" is pronounced "Feofle", you can imagine what; "i wan drink Pork water" will turn to when "P" in "Pork" is replaced with "F". And don't you ask me if the water from cooked Pork is drinkable, of course it is.

Legend has it that the water from cooked Pork enhances s'.exual stamina. But Flow has it that it is a lie, because there is a tribe in Nigeria that loves eating Pork and drinking the Pork water also, yet people from that tribe can't last up to three rounds in bed. I no mention any Language oh!!


Haruna smiled at me again, and in my mind's eye i saw one of his teeth fall off.

I smiled back because the Beer he was drinking was 1759, and some Cans were still left to be drank, Chilled Cans!!

I salivated, and in my mind's eyes i saw the lanky Haruna as Rick Ross, The Boss!!

Just when i was thinking of how i would plead with Haruna to offer me a Can to drink as it has been ages since i drank Can Guinness last, two Ladies catwalked in. Mammy water they were indeed.

"na me una dey look for?" i almost said.

To my greatest surprise one of them went to seat on Haruna's l'aps. The other one on red kissed Haruna while He fondled her b'.reast.

My d'.ick stood, and it seemed she saw it and walked up to me.

"what eh your name" She spoke a rather strange accent.

"me ask you what eh your name" She asked caressing my chest. That was when my brain was able to figure out she was Liberian. "is" is pronounced "eh" in Liberian accent.

I lost my speech, or rather i lost my voice. She turned and stroke my erected d'.ick with her a'.rsse, and my voice was found.

"ahhhhhh eeeeh!!" I thought my d'.ick has broken.

"your name eh Ahhh eeeh?" She thought that was my name.

"no, i said Ade, my name is Ade" I was loosing my mind.

"me name ehh Vivian" She said, and she started dancing with her king-size a'.rse stroking my d'.ick left, right, centre.

There was no music playing, but in my mind the music by late Micheal Jackson was playing: "Liberian Girl!! You know what you did and how you change my world, you know how i feel, Liberian Girl!................. I love you, Liberian Girl!!"

"I love you, Liberian Girl" I whispered the last line of the song to her ears.

"me love nobody, me love money" She replied.

My trouser became wet suddenly, all this while i was releasing "Ice cream".

She felt the wetness of the Ice cream and screamed.

"you are not a strong man" She ran to Haruna. They all laughed at me, as i tried to cover the wet area of my trouser. I was ashamed of myself.

Haruna held the two ladies into his room saying: "oga Plow drink the remaining beer, i dash you"

"you no see better thing dash me, na beer you dey dash me" I said.

Since the preferable wasn't available, the available became preferable, i sat and started drinking.

I had drank four Cans when Uduak walked in.

"Flow wetin you dey drink?"

"na s'hit water, you wan drink" I answered.

He grabbed a Can and sat close to me drinking.

"Flow! Food don done oh" Attai shouted from inside.

"bring am come outside make we chop!" I replied.

For the past Two days, Attai has been doing the cooking, because like he said, i always added too much seasoning to our meals that made him fart alot, and since he had decided to stop farting anyhow, he thought it right to do the cooking himself.

"Flow una be bastard, so una dey drink and una no fit call me abi" Attai said as he swiftly grabbed the last Can.

"where Haruna get money buy them this beer sef?" I asked myself, and i promised myself i would find out.

"and him go pay those A'.shawo oh?" i said to myself oweing to the fact that Liberian p'.rostitutes are the most expensive in Africa. If you think say i dey lie, go ask George Weah.


The three of us were munching the unpalatable Purple colour rice Attai cooked, when we heard; "wayoh allah!! Make una take am easy oh!! I don die oh!!"



Liberian p'.rostitutes are also the most deadly in Africa. If you think say i dey lie, go ask George Weah.

Xsenga: Foxy, is flow no longer part of the collabo?

I am. Infact, Rock and Foxy can i update next?

[quote author=Foxy_Flow]Thank God you are back... Allow Uduak to do the next update please. I want to see his foresight into creating a new setting.

Thank you!!


Still you Flow... Still I Foxy.. That dude Rocks!!![/quote]Am sorry, i had updated already before i saw this, tell Rock to modify his, you know i can't reach him. Sorry once more

"na who get this slippers?" asked Lagbaja.

If Lagbaja is the name of the Nigerian Musician with a mask, then the guy with machete was sure a twin brother to Lagbaja. With several scars covering his face, i could barely precisely tell where his mouth opening was, he had another mouth on his forehead, a mouth that couldn't speak. I wondered if he was born with such uncountable scars. Of course not, a scar is the ID card of a tout.

"i say who thief our Dog!" The other guy with what looked like an iron r'od barked.

The guy with the iron r'od wasn't a twin brother to Lagbaja at all, rather he could best be described as a twin brother to Olusegun Obasanjo a.k.a Obj(Baba i know say you dey read this story, abeg no curse my Papa and Mama as you curse Eeedris Abdulkareem Papa and Mama oh)

"na all of us thief the chicken oh" Attai cried as Lagbaja drew a very sharp machete close to his neck.

"who thief Chicken?" Obj queried.

"sorry bros! I mean say na all of us thief the Goat!" it seemed my friend Attai was loosing his mind. Why wouldn't he? When a razor sharp machete was about slicing his straw look-alike throat.

"Attai! Who thief Goat?" I thundered.

"Bros make una no mind am oh, na this boy thief una Dog, and na him get that slippers" I pointed at Uduak who was about taking to his heels.

"if you run! I shut" Lagbaja said like someone with a gun. Uduak instantly paused, or rather he frooze. But his dickson was moving.

"i no thief the Dog oh, i use am give all this secondary school student wey dey write WAEC make them use do Biology Practical" Udauk spoke Swahili.

"the Dog na your own?" Obj yelled.

"yes! Sorry No!" The fidgety Udauk cried.

"wetin be your name sef?" Lagbaja placed the machete on Uduak's head, that made him forgot his name instantly, or so i thought.

"Lagbaja him name na Udauk" that just suddenly came out of my mouth.

"who be Lagbaja?".

"na you na" my tongue slipped.

"na me you dey call Lagbaja?" He thundered moving the machete from Udauk's head to my head.

"no be you oh! Na me be Lagbaja, you be Fela!" the cold feeling of the machete on my head made me say rubbish.

"who be Fela?" the machete left my head to my neck. I was already on my kneels.

"sorry bros! You no be Fela, You be Sunny Ade!" that was the only name that came to my mind.

"no Flow! Him no be Sunny Ade, Him be Micheal Jackson" Attai said as he recieved a stroke of the Iron r'od with Obj.

"na your Papa be Micheal Jackson" Obj swiftly brought out a Dagger from his waist and pointed it at Udauk's dickson.

"i go cut this your Abuna, and i go use am do Suya" Obj was dead serious. To my surprise Uduak's dickson still stood like rock of Gibrater.

Legend has it that an erected dickson would instantly shrink once a life threatening situation shows up.


"oya all of una Frog jump!" Obj ordered.

I turned and saw that Haruna was nowhere to be found. How did he leave without Obj and Lagbaja noticing? I asked myself.

"i say all of una Frog jump"

I thought he said "Frog chop"

"oga since wey my Mama born me, i never chop Frog before, Attai don chop Frog" I pointed at Attai.

"yes sir! I don chop Frog, i don chop Snake, Cat, Lizard and even Lion sef, i don chop plenty animals, na only dead body i never chop" Attai was almost sheding tears as Obj brought the Dagger close to his chest.

"where the Frog make i chop am?" Attai was going nuts.

Meanwhile, Uduak had already started Frog jumping, with his dickson dangling like a swing.

Attai and I joined Uduak Frog jumping raining curses on him; "Uduak walai e no go better for you, see wahala wey you don put us".

We had Frog jumped to and fro Seven times when Attai started releasing gas.

"bra bra broooooo"

"who mess?" Obj asked.

"i say, who mess?" he asked again, this time with the Dagger as his speaking aid.

"na all of us mess oh" Attai cried.

"how all of una go mess the same time? I say who mess?" He asked covering his Nose.

"na him mess" Uduak pointed at Attai.

"you sabi mess abi? Stand up!" Lagbaja commanded.

Attai's fart had saved him, he had been freed, or so i thought, so i searched my bowel for a fart that would free me also, unfortunately or fortunately i found none.

"two of una make una give us una phone" Obj was referring to I and Uduak.

Uduak quickly dashed in to bring his phone, while i pleaded with Obj and Lagbaja to allow us remove our SIM cards, lucky enough, they agreed.


"you! Follow us! You go smell pepper today" they dragged Attai out of the compound to God knows where.



"He that live by the sword, will go by the sword" they say, but i say "He that live by fart, will surely go by fart".

[quote author=Foxy_Flow]Keep the Flow man... I dey feel you. Still in the office right now and eh, the work many sotey I no sure of when I go go house. Just update once more... When I reach base, I go continue from there.



Still he Rocks [/quote]i am back, my apologies for the break. I will update tonite.

Still i Flow

[quote author=Foxy_Flow]I'n so happy that my story finally made front page!!!!!!![/quote]ur story abi? Even the moderator that put it on front page put ur name alone.

God dey watch una oh.

Still I Flow sha.

texanomaly: One thing that makes me keep coming back is to see how each of you is going to make the other look silly in your update. It is hilarious. I tune in just to see who one-ups the other today.

texanomaly you be correct.

"Attai no jonz oh, we don dey reach the Barrack gate oh" I told Attai as we drew closer to the gate of the Cantonment.


The Army men i saw at the gate sent cold chivers down my spine, and made me thought my heart was about coming out through my a'.nus.

"Attai s'hit dey catch me" I finally said.

"Me na mess dey catch me" He replied.

"Attai! No mess here oh" I thundered. I knew the damage a conventional Attai's fart was capable of, not to talk of a fart after eating such combination at the Mama put.

Attai! Attai!! Attai that the stench of his fart could inflate a tyre, Attai that the stench of his fart was Rat poison that could kill 40rats at a go, Attai that the stench of his fart could break Iron bars, i wondered why it never broke the Iron bars we where behind while in prison. The same Attai was informing me before hand he needed to fart.


"Attai! If you mess ehnnn!" I warned. But it was too late.

The stench clouded the car, and i knew i couldn't last up to 2minutes before i gave up the ghost. Albeit the two front windows were wound down, i still needed more air.

My eyes were blurring, yet i could still see there were two vehicles ahead in the "stop and search" queue in the gate. Not only that, i was fainting. Fainting with my hands on my Nose.

Ehennnn Flow!! Na only one mess make you wan faint? You would say. Yes, a fart could send one to early grave, just try eating spoilt Beans and boiled Eggs washed down with expired Yogurt, and go fart in a commercial bus and see if all passengers would survive a minute. Thats a take-home Assignment, solve and show workings, and submit first thing on Monday morning.

"Flow why you dey do like person wey wan die? You wan die?" Attai said.

"no die oh! Them wan search us oh, if them see the Coco wey we carry, you fit die the die wey dey hungry you" That brought me back to reality from the land of the dead.



"Soldier! wetin dey una boot?" One of the Soldiers asked. I could see he was a Lance Corporal.

"morning sir!" I saluted

"morning sir! Nothing oh" Attai answered.

"okay go open am make i see" The Lance Corporal ordered.

"Flow take key go open the boot make him see" Attai handed over the car keys to me.

I wanted to argue, but since we were Army men, and it would be funny seeing two Army men arguing over who would open the boot, i reluctantly agreed.


Just when i thought i had recieved enough stench for the day, i recieved even more. As i opened the boot, the Corporal that stood close to me started asking questions. The questions weren't my problem, but his mouth odour.

"who get this motor?" He asked.

"na us!" I answered.

"shey two person dey get motor?" He further asked.

"ehnnn! We join money buy am" was my answer.

I was wondering why he needed to know who owned the car. Well, i wouldn't blame him, since he saw we were private soldiers, he was wondering where we got the money to buy a car, oweing to the fact that a private soldier in the Nigerian Army doesn't earn more than some Factory workers. TOO BAD!


"okay, i wan see una particulars, because we dey hear say some soldiers dey steal civilians motor" He was beginning to scare me. Meanwhile, i had inhaled enough bad odour from his mouth that my stomach was rumbling.

As i walked towards the driver's seat of the car, he said something to me in Hausa and expected my response. Instead, i responded in Spanish because i was scared it was doom's day for Me and Attai.

Attai gave him the particulars, and instead of him to look properly at it, he was busy staring at our Car stereo. Had he looked properly at the particulars, he would had noticed the names on it wasn't the same as the names on our name tags.


"last week we catch two soldiers wey hide C'.ocaine for inside their car stereo" He said, dipping his head into the car.

"kai! How soldiers go dey deal on C'.ocaine?" I said after saying the Lord's prayer in my mind.

He shook the car stereo to comfirm, and asked; "which unit una dey work sef?"

That was the most difficult question i had ever heard. I thought of saying either Sokoto Brigade or Kano Pillars.

Thank God i never said either, if not, we would had been dead meat.

I felt droplets of watery poo gushed out my a'.rse hole. It was Judgement day.



"Leave them make them dey go jor, make we search other motor" I heard a Soldier yelled.


We were saved by the bell.

Chimaritoponcho: chairmen,is this update a way of saying that the story is right back on track!?

Yes of course. If you think say i dey lie, ask Foxy.

Foxy na ur turn. Remember what i told you at the other side. Pls make amends.

STILL WE FLOXY.

BAD MARKET: Our spare tyre was bad, and we still left it as spare(Foolish Flow and Foxy) <--- FFF

LIE: We bought two tyres.

TRUE: We stole one, and collected one on credit, as Kareem gave the tyre seller a Gold necklace he stole as a collateral until we pay for the tyre. That was kind of him.

FACT: The tyres were expired.


On our way to the much talked about Ojo military cantonment, we passed Police checkpoint, LASMA checkpoint, Yellow fever checkpoint, Green fever checkpoint(Agberos), etcetera. One common thing i noticed was the fact that all uniform men aside Army we passed saluted us, not knowing we were Bloody civilians with a capital "B".


"Flow how we go take pass the barrack gate?" asked Attai. I could tell he was scared.

"when we reach there we go know wheather na fly we go fly pass the gate or na swim" I answered.

"our fuel for motor don dey finish, if e go fit carry us reach General Kolawole house, him go full our tank for us" I promised, or rather, I wished.

Meanwhile, on the name tag of the uniform i wore was written; Abdullahi ST, that was my name for the time frame, while on the name tag of the uniform Attai wore was written boldly; Mumuni JT. Like the name implies, Attai really looked like not only a "Mumu" but like a "Clown". A clown indeed, as the extra large uniform he wore made him looked like Father Chrismas. Mine was also extra large, making me look like Barney.


"Flow i dey hungry oh!" Attai said.

"na now wey we don dey reach the barrack nahim you dey hungry" I spoke like i wasn't hungry myself.

"you hold money there? make we enter that canteen go chop na" Attai pointed at a "Mama put" joint by the corner of the road.

"guy na only 200naira dey with me oh, make we go sha" I parked the car.

As we walked towards the Mama put canteen, an idea dropped.

An evil Idea.


"Attai as we wear uniform, we no suppose to pay for food oh" I said.

"who tell you say Army men no dey pay for food?" said Attai.

"dey there make Kpata dey wear you" I spoke like a typical Lagos boy would.

Well, for all you non-Lagosians, "Kpata" is a type of meat that look like G-s'tring, but bigger. This meat is mostly eaten by Men. As a Man, i can assure you it is always a mouthful when eaten, and very delicious also. If you think say i dey lie ask Lasgidi boys.


"okay, make we do am like this, we go use the 200naira pay for one person food, and the other person no go pay" Attai suggested.

"but na my plate of food we go pay for oh! You know say na you senior me" He added.

"na now you gree say i senior you, if we wan share money now, shey you go say make we share am equal?" I said. But like the sacrificial Lamb(Goat rather) i always was, i agreed.


We sat and we were served two mountain curves of Rice, Beans, Fried Plantain, Kpomoh, Spagetti, and Salad, as ordered by Attai. Imagine such combination, and yet the price wasn't far from 200naira, it was just 250naira.

"how you go pay the remaining 50naira? Na only 200naira we hold oh" I whispered to Attai.

"when we reach that bridge, we go cross am" He whispered with a mouthful of Rice.

"you never see where bridge dey break abi?" I almost said.


Attai finished eating before me, and he said; "Madam i no get change, na 1000naira and 200naira dey with me, take this 200naira, when my friend eat finish, him go balance you the remaining 50naira"

"na 60naira you go balance me oh, you drink two pure water na" the tribal mark faced woman reply.

"okay, my friend go give you everything" Attai answered.


"Flow give me the car key" Attai demanded as he stood up.

"you get sense abi? You wan run leave me abi?" I almost said.

I thought he wanted me alone to carry the bitter cross, so i refused giving him the keys, not knowing it was on the table.

He grabbed the keys, and as he walked away, he said; "i dey wait for you for inside motor Ben Johnson"

Don't be confused! Ben Johnson wasn't my baptizimal name but a code name for "RUN". He was telling me on code the need for me to grow a third leg and run immediately i finished eating.

I looked left, and saw a Policeman with a gun eating close to me, the same Policeman that saluted us when he came in. I looked right, and saw two guys eating, one was an Albino, the other was well built.

"A fake Army Man was lynched for wanting to eat free food" Flashed as a news headline in my mind's TV, making urine almost gushed out my p'.enis.

First of all(go down low), i stood up and took few steps out of the canteen, then i heard; "oga solja wey my money?"

I wasn't thinking straight at all.

My fake brain told me to run or the Policeman might send a bullet into my spinal cord.


Like when wanting to cross a busy road; i looked left, looked right, and looked left again.

I raned.

Sorry, I runed.

I mean, I ran.


"Oleh Solja! Oleh! Oleh!" was what i heard chasing me as i ran towards our car.

Nice idea. Lets see how it goes.

I am back, so is Foxy. We are back. Or so i tot.

So pull a cushion, seat back, relax and enjoy Floweytic Foxy.

PS: Foxy lemme see you at the other side, i wanna talk to you.


STILL I FLOW.

In the place called AJ city lied the famous Boundary bus stop, and by Boundary bus stop lied the Notorious Bale street. There are of course three Bale streets in AJ city; one was dangerous, the other was more dangerous, and the other one was most dangerous. The most dangerous of them all Bale Aiyetoro was the street Kareem stayed.

To all you Real Madrid fans, the street am talking of is not owned by Gareth Bale.

Saying the street was cold is an understatement, the street was cold and hardknocks. We had been laying our heads in a room close to a stinking Gutter, and instead of us breathing in Oxygen, we were breathing in Gutter air with periodic name Gu2.

I knew the pains of staying in a sinking one storey building wouldn't last for long, as soon as we delivered the Coco to General Kolawole, i would be saying my final bye bye, because i wasn't finding Kareem's Rat infested room funny, and Attai my friend was making matters worse with his incessant complains.

All this while, we left the Coco under the Driver's seat of our Car parked in front of Kareem's "face-me-i-face-you" compound. Does "face-me-i-face-you" really have compound? So i tot sha.


Attai had been having s'.ex with the Landlord's daughter all this while, he thought i never saw him b'.anging her in the dirty bathroom every night. Were it to be that the Landlord's daughter Sikiratu was beautiful, then i would had given Attai an award.

She was freaking U'.gly. She was a Vampire. Her head like Attai's was big, even bigger. Her legs were like tubers of Yam from Benue state. Her eyes were like that of a Lagos Frog. She was shorter than a bottle of small 1759. Whenever she speaks, she sends Rain in form of Saliva in torrents to the listener. Her face was not only as black as charcoal, but pimples infested.


But like rule 1 in the Coco rule says; "never admire the beautiful, and never get irritated by the u'.gly". I never broke this rule, little wonder i never threw up whenever i saw Sikiratu.


"Attai na the uniform be this, Omoh if u see the big dustbin wey General Kolawole boys keep the uniform ehnnn!" I brought out the two Camouflage uniforms i went to collect in the refuse dumb the previous night.

Saying the refuse dumb i went to collect the uniforms from was the biggest refuse dumb in Nigeria is an understatement, it was the biggest in Africa. It was as high as mountain Everest. It was pugently smelling, yet people's houses were close to it. That is AJ city for you!!

Before i could locate the exact place the bag containing the uniforms were kept, i had dipped my hands into about seven heaps of poo, albeit i came with a torch light. I was in a hurry to leave the stinking refuse dump, so i couldn't wash my hands but just rubbed the poo off with a sheet of paper, yet Attai gave me a warm handshake when i returned, after which he continued eating his Akara with the same hand used in shaking me. If only he knew what that hand had touched!


"na you go wear this one, you know say you get body pass me" Attai said after cross examining the uniforms.

"shey na today we go go delivered the Coco?" Attai erred.

"no be only delivered, na deliverance"

"yes na, na now now we dey go sef" I answered.

"okay, make i go check wheather our motor battery still dey okay, you know say e don tay wey we warm the motor" Attai left the room.

"go quick, i don dey wear my own uniform, no time" I was in a haste to put on the uniform without thinking of first taking my bath.


I was fully kitted when Kareem entered the room from the bathroom.

"yekpa! Jesu! Mogbe! Awoah n'inu Ile mi" He cried.

Since i was backing him, i wanted to scare him the more, so i changed my voice, adding more bass saying; "so you think say we no go locate your house abi?"

Since Kareem wasn't aware i went to collect Army uniforms the previous night, he was scared to the bone, and since "the fear of Awoah is the beginning of wisdom", he pleaded in Yoruba and Swahili, and even French.

"awoah no vex, ejor! E ma binu" He cried.

I almost laughed, but i held myself and said; "shebi na you sell fake watch for us, today na today for you"

"awoah no vex! I no go do am again" I heard rthymical sounds of fart.

I could hear Attai walking towards the room, so i said to Kareem; "oya kneel down and close your eyes", which he did.

Attai came in and saw Kareem kneeling down with his hands raised up and his eyes closed like a Primary school pupil, by then, i had already turned facing the fidgety Kareem.


"Flow i no see our motor for where we park am oh" Attai announced.

Kareem opened his eyes and saw that i was the Awoah that scared poo out of his black a'.ss, so he cursed; "Iyalaya eh!! e no go better for you!"


I and Attai quickly dashed out of the room. I had forgotten i was on Army uniform.

Daniel2802: U guys should try 2 update ASAP.

we will. I will do my best to update soon.

Dear Foxy, pls kindly bear with me, i have been hustling too much of lately just to make ends meet. In other for this story not to just die, pls go ahead and make an update. You know how me and you talk am na, write am as we talk am? I promise to make it up to u and our loyal fans.



STILL I FLOW.

[quote author=Foxy_Flow]Good morning y'all...

Updates coming later in the day. Had a busy day yesterday.

Thanks for understanding...[/quote]We dey wait u Oga at the top.