₦airaland Forum

waslead300:
nice 1 fflow... u 3 much

Thank you........................................ Pls can someone pls bring ishilove here, tell her i just want to say hi

"Grnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" my phone rang.


"Hello!! Peter are you out working already?"

"No......eh! I mean..... Yes" I lied.

"Report at the office pls" The GCFR had spoken.

"Any problem?" I inquired.

"No problem, just come to the office now"


"but i dont have transport fare, I am in Surulere Already" I told a Bloody lie.

"don't worry your transport fare will be sorted out"


I thought i was receiving that call in my dream. But no, if i wanted someone to call me in my dreams, it woulnn't be Kel.

I glanced at the clock, and it said 11:34am. I had woke late, i was very very weak, like i had hangover. Like the Coke i drank the previous night was 70% alcoholic.

I had woke earlier by 6:45am to join my Family in the usual morning devotional, but after the devotional, i went back to continue my sweet dream.

I had dreamt that i was a running mate to a presidential flag bearer of a political party, and that the presidential flag bearer died mysteriously and i was chosen to be the flag bearer. My party won the Election, so i became the president automatically. But one funny thing was that the country i was elected to lead cannot be located in present day Planet Earth, maybe it could be found in Jupiter or Saturn, i told myself. The Country was Federal Republic of Sapota. Something was just not right about that dream; the name of the political party was out of this world; it was FFP - Food For the People.


But after the morning devotion, i dreamt of an entirely different thing: I saw myself n'aked, playing with Monkeys, then all of a sudden, one of the Monkeys grabbed my b'alls bringing it close to it's mouth. Then i saw my p'enis changed to a ripe Banana. I screamed as the Monkey brought the Banana close to its mouth.


Then Kel's call saved me.




45minutes later, i was in the office, but before i entered, i had made sure i kicked as much dust as possibe while walking so they would be convinced i had been out working.


"Good morning Kel" I thought it was still morning.

"Good afternoon Mr Peter"

"which day this one begin call me Mr Peter" I said to myself.

"why did you call me here? hope no wahala?"

"yes, no wahala, or do you want one?"

Kel was the best wahala giver since Osama Bin Laden. She gave me serious troubles on per Seconds billing. But i wouldn't blame her, i started it all.



It all started when i was in school. One day i saw the biggest a'ss i had ever seen since Mercy Johnson. I fell for the a'ss and not the carrier so i asked her out. When i was asking her out, i did it like "play play", i never expected her to agree to date me. But like "play play" also, she agreed, and since that day i had never dried tears.


It was in first semester Final year, and since i broke up with my last girlfriend when i was in 2nd year, i made a decision not to date any other girl till after school. Then the dare devil came.


She started by showering me undiluted Love, so i fell for her. We were like love birds; sharing everything, even p'anties. Yes, i started secretly wearing female p'anties beneath my boxers because she told me the food i ate made my p'enis grew bigger and every other part of my body was reducing in size.

She gave me Money, i gave her Honey in return.

I hated that she was so jealous a lover. The degree at which she was jealous was 270 degrees Fahrenheit. She was so jealous that if she saw me walking hand in hand with my Mum, she would be thinking we just had s'ex. The ocean of jealousy in the relationship was raelly drowning me.





Then one day..............................





There is always a one day..........................


She met the Course rep of my department in my house. That was the day my whole world came crumbling down.



She gave me two dirty slaps that made me started speaking Swahili garnished with Hausa instantly.


Saying my Course Rep was the most beautiful girl in Campus was an understatement, she was the most beautiful girl in three Nigerian Campuses put together. She's got Beauty and Brains. Very very intelligent. She was every man's dream girl in my Department. Some guys would love to change their course of study to Industrial Physics in other to be close to Chinonso my course rep.


What happened that day was that; Chinonso came to see her female friend in my Hostel, so on seeing her, i told her to come know my room; i thought she would say No, but to my greatest surprise, she obliged. So i used the opportunity to tell her to continue teaching me the Schrodinger Equation she was explaining to me the previous day at school, she also obliged. I thought i was dreaming.


While she was lecturing me, i sat very very close to her; too close for comfort, and moving closer and closer, like i was about swallowing her like Eba.


Then she asked: "why are you moving too close to me?"

I answered: "because i like the texture of your skin, can i touch it?".

Her skin shone like the morning Sun.

"you can touch it only in one condition"

"whatever the condition is, i will do"

"i want your head cut of" She giggled.


"can i get knife?" I was ready to cut of my head just to touch her beautiful skin.


"no ooooh!! the condition is that; after touching, you will move a bit far from me"


I moved so far from her that i was few Centimeters away from the door.



She laughed and said: "you are such a comedian"


"why i no go be comedian? infact i go talk joke wey Bovi and Basketmouth not fit talk as far as you go gree make i touch your skin" I said to myself.



"ok! ok! you can now touch my skin" she agreed. I thought i was deaming


Just when i was about touching her fresh skin...........................




Kel berged in..................................................... gave me two hot dirty slaps and left promising to "show me"


"show me what?" I thought.



Show me in a distant time i suppose.



Show me in Wilo Courier Services.



"you wrote wrong reports Yesterday" She brought out my reports.


I wept bitterly.

D9ty7:
@Touchmeder, Kinwayne and thronekid: Go on your respective story threads and announce to your readers that there is a voting exercise going on here. The Best newcomer category is what you are nominated for, make them vote for you.
-----------------
Tiffanyj
Almacherish
Kingzpen
Candy
LarrySun
Kayemjay
Chistar01
OMA4U
Laykorn
Prettyspicey
Repogirl
Safarigirl
Vonn
Standd
Kingstylo1
Fembleez1
JulietAkk
Davidflo
Bluestarry
Fatalveli.
Go on your respective threads and tell your readers about this on going award.

OK....... oh

I thought I saw 4kizo viewing?

"aehhhhhhh! stop there!! where your gate pass?" The voice was familiar.

"i leave am for house" James spoke before he thought. He always did that most time.

"ehen!!! that one mean say you don buy market be that" I could figure out the voice, it was no other than Sir White.



His fair complexion glowed in the dark that night.

"oga White na me na, na you man Sege, the Mathematician"

Since the Nneka Saga, Segun and Sir white were best of friends. Segun sometimes helped him fetched Girls in his ocean of beautiful girls.

"eahhhhh! my main man!! the Mathematician" Sir white hailed.

Segun had always sang to whoever cared to hear that he studied Mathematics in School, but graduated with a third class, but in another Mathematics, he was a graduate of first class, first class upper if possible. That was the Mathematics of women.

"how you dey na!!!" That was the first day i saw Sir White smiled, he had a glowing dentition, that could serve as my Mirror.

"where una dey come from?" He inquired.

"we dey come from work" I answered.

"wetin una carry for bag?"

"na CDs" James answered.

"CD!!!!" Dogo inquired.

"Yes sir!!" I answered

"una dey sell C'ondom fa?"

"Yes!! ehhhhhh sorry i mean, No" I stammered.

"oga Dogo no be C'ondom, na CD" The annual reports were in Cd form.


Dogo was the Iroko tree we had in the Cantonment. As tall as he was, he still wore a very high Army boot to work, and whenever he wore such, he was almost equal the height of an Electric pole.

If wickedness was measured in Centimeters, Sir White's Wickedness would be 97cm while Dogo's would be 89cm.


"Dogo! allow them make them pass, them be my people" Sir White commanded.


Immediately we stepped into the Barracks, it started raining, so we quickly hopped into the next available Keke. If only time could speak, it could had told Segun not to board that particular Keke.




We were about 200metres away from the Cantonment gate when a Man that sat in front brought up a topic based on the Politics of the Day, I am a Political Fanatic to the core but that day, i kept my cool, because i had warned myself long ago that i would never argue politics when i was Hungry, it was unhealthy to the brain, and the stomach too; it could cause stomach Ulcer, infact it had once caused me stomach Ulcer.



All of a sudden, another Keke carrying what looked like Manure rode roughly close to ours.

"you no go drive well abi!!" I yelled at the rider.

It still rode roughly, trying to overtake.




"gboooeeer!" from no where, it collided with the right side of our Keke and the Manure aka Fowl s'hit fell on Segun who was at the extreme right.


If that was all, i wouldn't had laughed at Segun.

The Manure sack had an opening that poured out its content baptising Segun, with baptism name Segelico Manurelico.

I laughed like i was watching "i go die" say comedy.


Segun's beard turned Manure in colour, making him looked like father Christmas.





Home was indeed a sweet home, but for the call i received the next day

i know that was short. i was kind of busy..................... make una no vex

Lance Corporal Chibuzo Eze aka Sir White was the most dreaded Soldier in the cantonment. He scared everyone, even his fellow Soldiers, little wonder he was always kept on duty at the cantonment gate. Being very fair in complexion, infact he could best be described as an escaped Albino, he was nicknamed "White", he later added the "Sir" suffix for respect sake. He does his job with all dexterity, and wickedness also. If curses where Peanut, he had eaten about 70 bags. He beats people at ease. Frog Jump was his special drill, he gave out frog jumping orders like the comedian Basketmouth tell jokes.

I will never forget the day he told an old woman to do Frog jump just because she littered the floor. I was the sacrificial Lamb that day.

I told him i would help the old woman do the drill, and he was like: "you wan help am abi? you don buy job be that".

I bought a job indeed that day.

10 minutes, and i had gone 10 times to and fro a 15metres distances, and Sir White was cheering me with his usual Frog jump slogan; "jump like nwa awo!!".

I really jumped like a "soon to be roasted" nwa awo.

I know the Yoruba folks will interpret "Nwa Awo" to be "Son of Awolowo", but no, that isn't the meaning, it means: "Son of a Frog".

The old woman in question had left as ordered by Sir White.

20 minutes, and i had gone 15 times. I was beginning to feel my intestine coming up towards my throat.

At that moment i saw my spirit left my body.

I was seeing myself in heaven. I saw the angels saying: "welcome!! welcome!! you are indeed a Good Samaritan".


"pooooooerrr!!" the thundering slap of Sir White brought me back to reality from heaven.

"common!! stand up Onye oma Emeka"

I stood up but couldn't walk. I saw stars flew round my head like Tom and Jerry would, at some point, the stars changed to birds, and then to what looked like Fishes.

"vamoose for here!!" Sir white thundered.

But at that moment i couldn't feel my leg, i felt two logs of wood instead.


Since that day i thought twice when helping someone serve a punishment, especially when one Sir white was involved.

Emperortj93:
good morning in the morning to flow1759 and to all forumite following this thread keenly

How you dey? Long time mehnnnn.


where are the likes of Mazi, Ishilove, Chistar, etcetera

"this Bilikisu girl carry load for front oh" Amos'es mouth was ajar.

"abi Flow how you see am?"

"i no see anything oh"

"guy i don repent oh"

I had repented from chasing girls a little, but the bad company i kept made me drew back. I fought hard against such temptations when they surfaces, but my strenght failed me sometimes.



"na my babe na?" Segun informed.

"no dey lie for us abeg!!! na every girl be your babe??"




Bilikisu was the kind that fought Lion, her chin could attest to that, and i detested such. She had this Nocturnal beauty that fades at the dawning of the day. Her body structure looks attractive from the front view but unpalatable from the rear. If Beauty were measured in Height, then she would be the most beautiful girl in the World, in her Local Government Area rather.


"i don solve maths for on top that girl na" Segun said.

He had truly done that, and severally i must say. I had a beef for Segun. Not only beef, i could add Kpomo if the need be.

Reasons being that all girls were always his: fat, tall, slim, dark, fair, old, young and even K-legged.

When K-leg is mentioned, what comes to my mind is the K-legged sister of a dreaded military man that Segun tried d'isvirginning. That was the day i thought i had lost Segun.



It was a sunny Sunday afternoon in the Cantonment, i had just returned from Iba Estate were i assumed to be my second home, so i decided to pay Segun a visit, on my way to his house, i noticed that the Kunu seller close to his house was out, so i sat for a bottle of chilled Kunu. Before i could take two sips, i saw the dreaded "Sir White" heading towards Segun's House. I took my eyes of him for a while thinking he might as well be heading to the viewing centre close by since there was a football match on, but then on remembering that there was a famous Adage from where i am from that says: "A Toad doesn't just hop in the afternoon, its either it is chasing something or something is chasing it", so i looked to see that nothing was actually chasing Sir White, so i concluded he was chasing something; maybe the Football match between Chelsea and West Ham, or maybe not. But then, I noticed Sir White was holding his "legendary" Jack knife, so i thought twice.

Nneka was the younger sister to Sir White, my brain couldn't lie to me.

There was no gainsaying that Segun was a dead meat, Suya to be precise.

Segun had earlier told me he loved "solving maths" on girls mainly on Sundays when his parents and siblings would still be in church.

His Father was a Pastor, his Mother; a Deaconess, his Sisters; Ushers, his brother; a Keyboardist, so it was obvious that Sundays were Working days for the Oni's except Segun that was an Idol worshipper. He had once told me he worshipped the god of women.



I tried dialing Segun's Number to inform him of the danger that lies ahead all to no avail, so i wept bitterly.

I wept for Segun becuase he had been warned severally by Sir White that if he doesn't leave his sister alone, he would die soon. And for the dreaded Sir White to make such a threat, it was sure not an empty threat


At that moment i thought of either going to buy a Coffin or going to book a space in the Mortuary where Segun's body would be deposited, or better still going to both places at the same time.

I ran, leaving my Tasty Kunu on the table for Natty to have a field day.

That was the day i discovered being a 100metres athlete was in my gene. Within seconds i was close to Segun's Window.


I confirmed my curiousity that Segun was with Nneka, so i cried with a loud voice; "Segun!!! Sir White dey come".

"ehn!! ehn!! which White clotheeeeee? i no dry any white Clothe forrrrrrrrr outside jorrrrrrr!!" His voice sounded like he was at O'rgasm.


Sir White berged in on the Maths solving and the equation was balanced.




The Jack knife saw Segun's Heart.





So sad!!


That was the blackest Sunday i had experienced.

I saw a River Nile of Blood.



He was rushed to the Hospital, and..............................






and..............................................................





He kicked the...................................................




He was able to kick...........................................







He was able to Kick Football in the next two months.




The knife did not drive too close to his Heart to kill him. The Doctors said if he had just but sneezed, He would had Died.


Thank God he didn't sneeze, because if he had sneezed, who would had borrowed me 45,000 naira when i lost my boss'es 50,000 naira, if he had sneezed, James wouldn't had live up to celebrate his 28th birthday, if he had sneezed, Amos would had lost his child to Malaria.


Thank God he didn't sneeze.


And all thanks to the Medical Response System in the Cantonment as at then.




"you get mind to chyke that girl?" I doubted.


"i say, i don solve that maths" Segun pointed at Bilikisu.


"ok we don hear you" I envied the G'igolo a bit.




We left Mama Sikiru's place by about 1930 Hours.


I, Segun and James headed to the Cantonment while Amos headed to his Beloved home in Shomolu.

Rajy00:
flow...flow... flow... y u go use one full update analyse mess na?

No vex abeg. The memories were at that moment infectious like Nostalgia Disease.

"Mama Sikiru! give me two pounded yam and vegetable soup" Segun Ordered.

Two wraps of Mama Sikiru's pounded yam couldn't be compared to a conventional two wraps, it could be compared to say Five of a conventional pounded Yam wraps. Or so i thought.

"Sege!! you wan kill yourself!!" i yelled.

"wetin concern you, abi na your money i go use buy am? or na your belle i dey chop am put?"

"madam abeg give me one bottle of Odeku jor" James ordered.

"And me too!!" All my friends loved the drink with the trademark 1759. Except for Segun.


"abeg give me Rice and Pepper soup, plus Odeku" That was Amos'es favorite combination


"abeg give me Coke make i drink" Guess who said that? Me!!.

Yes!! i took a break from drinking my Favorite 1759 aka Odeku or any other acoholic drink.


"Flow!!!! wetin happen, you no drink Odeku today" James inquired.

"Oboy!! I no well" I borrowed that cliche from Amos. And he smiled.


Truth be told, the last time i drank Odeku, I stooled for three days. On one occassion, i had dashed into a nearby Bank to do my thing, after doing my thing, the odour was so much that i thought it was diffusing from the toilet into the Banking hall, the bank had no air freshener handy so i opened the windows, but still that couldn't help(Zenith Bank Forgive me), since i couldn't do anything about the odour i ran leaving the toilet door open, immediately i opened the door leading to the Banking hall, i collided with someone; a man on suit with his hands on his Nose, my mind told me he was the Bank manager so i ran out of the Bank in other for me not be arrested.

When i got home that day, my conclusion was; i had drank Fake Odeku the prevoius night because i had never stooled with my p'oo smelling similar to burnt Tyre.


"You no well abi?? wetin dey sick you? you get O'kor Junction?" Amos dragged my right hand from my trouser pocket, i was practising "scratch and win" promo, my p'ubic hair really etched.

O'kor Junction is not a junction in the heart of Ikeja Lagos, it is a Pidgin slang, i think it can be best described as Peyronie's Disease.

But it wasn't Peyronie's disease that i caught, what i caught was "unwarranted shave", i over shaved my p'ubic hair so it resulted in none stop etching. Infact i had scratched out the upper layer of the skin in that region and i could feel droplets of blood coming out.

"na your Papa get O'kor junction" I cursed.

"same to you" James replied.

As i saw two bottles ice chilled Odeku on a tray, i salivated.


My eyes drifted from that to another two bottles of Odeku, natural Odeku. I wished i could drink.

buoye1:
Wow!I don register...following with the speed of light!


Foxy...yah head dey dia!

welcome on board

adegwurulez:
Ow jeez!!!

Was that funny?

"ennnnnnnnnn!! who mess!!" The odour was killing, a weapon of office destruction.

Destroying the fresh air in the air conditioned office.

"e no go better for the person wey mess" Segun cursed.

"what is smelling?" Kel asked a rather Rhethorical question.

"na air freshener dey smell, Irish air freshener!!!" I almost said.

The gas was released from the a'nus of no one else but the one that f'arted and his Jean trousers tore, the one that his fart smelt like Nitrogen gas, the one that his f'art smelt like rotten egg spiced with over fermented Palmwine garnished with burnt Kuli Kuli. Amos was his name, but i wished his parents named him f'art Joe.

"Amos! you do well oh" I commended, with my both hands on my nose.

I instantly caught Asthma, I could barely breathe.

Just then, Mr Wole came out of his office to the reception where we were.

"gen gen!! this one don come to smell this mess" The f'art had diffused all over the room.

"what is smelling here?" Mr Wole's extra large nose had done the job it could do best. It's ability to percieve was very sharp.

"Sir, i think it's the food of the woman that sells food in the restaurant downstairs, she has started cooking this her beans again" Amos tryed to cover up his sins, his f'art rather.

"how can Mama Sikiru's beans smell this way" Mr Wole fell for his lies.

"Sir, how you take know say her name na Mama Sikiru?" I wondered how our boss knew that the woman that sold food downstairs was Mama Sikiru.

"abi oga dey go Wak for there!!" I was still wondering, because i had never met him downstairs eating. Or so i thought.

"ennnnnnnnn!!" James cried.

"what kind of beans smells this way?" Mr Wole spoke like he couldn't differentiate between Beans and f'art.

"na German beans" I almost said.

"Kel! get the air freshner, and spray it here!!!" I thought i heard him said: "get the gun and shot Amos", i would had been glad, infact gladder than his wife Gladys.

Mr Gladys Akeju!!! Average in Height, Chocolate in Complexion, Yoruba in Intonation, Lepa in Size, Catwalking in Steps, and yet between 35-45 in Age. And if i must add, Sickler in Health............... Or so i thought.

She loved her husband so much, but i don't think her husband loved her half as much. A good cook, or so i thought, hardworking, loved her children so very much, a devoted christian, prays always, infact a characteristics of a Virtuous woman according to the Bible. Sometimes i wished she was my mum, or better still, my second mum.

Kel sprayed the air freshener directing it 75% of the time to where Amos'es a'ss was. I never blamed her actions, we all knew that Amos was an award winning "Fartima".

"we are done sir!" I announced, as i finished packing my Anual report.

The time was 17:59 when we left the office. And it was time to be nowhere else but; Mama Sikiru Restaurant and Bar.

plainmirror:
1759 I hail o !

1 old friend i did a colabo with. i see you

Rajy00:
Flow baba.... i hail o.... i must see d end od dis story .... come update quick o...

You be correct!! I never see them my old friends here oh. I mean my friends from "man wey dey reason"

"Amos!! how hustle na na?"

"oboy! God go punish satan oh" Amos loved that cliche.

It was indeed a full house, that was how it always was between the hours of 5pm to 7pm everyday aside Saturdays and Sundays when we might have all returned from doing deliveries.

Wilo courier services limited was the name of the company i worked for, loctaed in the business district of Maza Maza Lagos, the company was the kind i could discribe as a "one man business". One man business it was, but indeed a lucrative one i must say. The chief executive office of this business was Mr Wole Akeju.

Mr Wole Akeju!! First of, you dared not call him "Wole" without the "Mr", to avoid story that touch, i chose to call him just "Sir" seeing what Amos went through for mistakenly calling him by his name; he was suspended from work for 2 weeks. Mr Wole is the kind of man that could be regarded as "as hard as rock". This man could kill Four birds with one stone, or even half a stone. He loved his business so so much, that he could kill for it if the need be. There was a day he almost threw James from upstairs because he came back with fake reports. A Pastor, that loved God so much that if possible he could change his surname to Mr Wole Jesus. Whenever we came to pick parcels in the morning, he always took 2hours of our precious time to preach the gospel of Christ to us, so we devised the system of picking the parcels for the next day in the evening before leaving for our various homes. Mr Wole lived his entire life on principles. Principles like: all workers must be in the office by at most 5:30pm to give reports of the day's deliveries, no report!! no pay!!, My Dog must be fed on or before 6:30 in the morning and 6:30 in the evening. But wait....................... He had another principle.................................




He loved anything on Skirt; Suit skirt, Mini skirt, Church skirt, and what have you.

The only Pastor i have met that took booze once in while. "for the stomach sake" he always said.


"oboy! God go punish satan oh"

"we don hear na! how today go?" Segun hated that cliche.

"oboy! i no well oh'' that was another cliche Amos loved mentioning.

"na every time you no dey well?" I told the Hypochondiac Amos.

All of a sudden, kel brought a Can of chilled Malt drink and handed it over to Segun. Segun recieved it with a smile exposing his gap teeth.


"what of us!" We all chorused.

She brought two other Cans and handed them over to Amos and James.

"what of my own" I was Salivating as Segun gulped down.

"it has finished" Kel informed.

"ehnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" I saw myself swollowing Saliva, and it tasted like Malt;acoholic Malt. Kel was in the habit of doing that, i wasn't finding it funny any longer.


Amos was paid for the 34 parcels he delivered and we started to pack Anual reports that were to be delivered the next day into our bags.

Yes! what the goon in Surulere accused me of being Coco was actually anual report of a beverage company. Our company was Affiliated to a Registrar company that collected these anual reports from several companies to be delivered to the houses of share holders.

"oboy na Ajegunle i wan go tomorrow oh" I noticed Ajegunle Parcels were more than others.

"them swear for you!" Segun reminded me of the goon in surulere.

"no them no swear for me, na there i wan go tomorrow, i don tire for Surulere" I replied.

"If they did not swear for you, come and touched this parceled" Segun threw bomb just because Kel sat close to where he stood.

"Sege!!! Mathematical Sege!!!" I hailed.

"what!!" He frowned.

"nothing oh, I just dey hail you"

"pls dont hail me again, sho gbon?" That was "Engli-Yoruba".

Just when i was laughing at the bomb segun threw, Someone else threw another bomb, a real bomb.

"which kin 51 parcels" I doubted.

Amonst us all, Segun was the most hard working, he walks as fast as how a cheetah could run; 2 steps per seconds. Apart from being hard working and "hard walking" he is also Mathematical(topic for another day), little wonder the name Mathematical Sege.

Segun is as Black as Charcoal, yet handsome, he was as tall as NEPA ladder, yet handsome, little wonder Kel fell for him the first day she saw him. But the "commas" that Segun had was that he was bad with words; by that i mean he spoke a sentence and a grammatical earth quake occurs. Plus, he stammers, plus, he talks and an ocean of Saliva flows out of his mouth.

"oboy you don hammer be that oh" i managed to commend him. But i was full of jealousy.

"if you see how i waka for under rain ehnnnnn........" Segun said.

"i hope you didn't wet those parcels" Mr Wole could'nt alllow him finish.

"yes he did" I almost said.

Since we started the delivery job, there had never been a day i delivered more than 45 parcels. The day i delivered 45, i virtually crawled home. Yet, i was far better than someone.


That someone was James.

"James!! you don show?"

"mennnhnn!!!! i don show face oh" He wasn't looking like someone who just came back from delivering in the dreaded Mushin.

"How many did you deliver??" Mr Wole inquired.

"14 Sir!!!" James replied.

"Four what!!!!!!!?" Mr Wole raised his voice.

"Fourteeen" James answered.

"so you don't want to improve?" Kel added

"I did my best, but because of the rain i couldn't cover much area" James complained.

"You always have excuses to make" I noticed Mr Wole's face changed.

"Sir!!! ehnnnnn Sir!!!!!"

"Shut up!!" Mr Wole silenced him abruptly.

James was the rather lazy type. Like the Author of the book "S'ucker punch" he "hardly" chase girls. His favorite musician wasn't Mavin G'ay but sometimes i wondered if he was G'ay. If the WHO was to set aside a day as World shabby day and people were to dress on shabby clothes, James needed not dress shabbily, his best dress was still shabby.

Yet someone shabbier walked in.

"Mathematical Sege!!" I hailed Segun as he entered the office.

"Flow! how work today na? how you waka na?" I noticed his shoes were dusty as usually.

"Oboy! see your shoe! u don waka the whole Ajegunle today oh!" I teased.

"Oboy i no know why this your head dey big everyday oh, abi na this job dey make your head big" it sounded like an insult to me.

It sounded like insult, but on a second thought it was true. At my age, i think i had stopped growing, but a part of my body has refused to stop growing, that's my head.

"You your head no big?" I said the oppossite of what Segun's head was; small head. Groundnut shaped head.

"see your money here" Kel handed me my money.

I counted and it was complete, but i noticed a bad 1000 naira note was amongst the money i was given so i complained.

"This money is bad"

"Must you complain about everything" Mr Wole said without even seing the money i was complaining of.

Kel took the money from me and handed over another note that looked almost like the other. All the while i was staring at Kel's A',ss. Kel has the kind the a'ss that from a panoramic view it looks like two big b'alls of Paw Paw fruit, from the rear view it looks like a Trailer tyre, from the left view it looks like my Church Speaker, and from the right view it looks like one wrap of Mama Sikiru's Pounded Yam, but all the same, i loved staring at her a'ss, it makes me believe that if her tiny waist could carry such an a'ss, then Nigeria will get better soon.

Kel!! Kel!! Kel!! Kel had been a trouble to my soul since i met her. I invented the name "Kel". Her birth name was Kelechi. I invented the name because it reminded me that i had a crush on the American singer Kelly Rowland. She doesn't look half as beautiful as Kelly Rowland because Kelly doesn't have a mouth wide enough to swallow two spoonful of hot Rice at the same time, she doesn't look half as beautiful as Kelly Rowland because Kelly doesn't have a forehead that looks like it was hammered with a sledge hammer, she doesn't look half as beautiful as Kelly Rowland because Kelly doesn't have Beans shaped Nose. Yet she has what Kelly Rowland doesn't have; an Earth quakening a.'ss. The same Kel really troubled my soul ab initio.

"I delivered 51 parcels" Segun announced.

geogino:
Flowey..... Still u flow.

thanks all of you. but pls I want you guys to bear with me, I made alot of mistakes in my first update( which I have corrected, I will improve.


una suppose understand na. e don tey wey I write.


But still I Flow

kenchukscole:
following with a bottle of origin n popcorn....





still I read..........

Oboy I don like that drink oh





but I no fit like am pass 1759

Timzy234:
HAHAHAHA...flowey...welcome...still u flow..

Dont quote me that way pls, i need to correct some mistakes na........ i beg you

"SIr, i delivered 28 parcels in Sululere Axis" I pronounced Surulere like a typical Igbo man.

"where and where did you go to in Surulere" Mr Wole my Boss inquired.

"i went to Surulere Sir" I barely heard his question.

"so u walked the whole of Surulere? ehmmmmmnnn? Mr Johnny Walker!"

Johnny Walker walked for sure, but Flow covered more distance. in my line of Job, i sometimes wished i could fly.

"i said where did you go to in Surulere" He thundered.

" I said i went to Surulere sir" I answered

"He said where in Surulere did you go to?" The female voice of Kel brought me back to my right senses. My head at that moment was blocked, like i was carrying a fifteen storey building on it. My big head was growing bigger, i was seeing beautiful stars, big beautiful stars!

"Sorry ooooh!!! i went to. Lawanson, Randle, Ojuelegba, Ayilara, Shitta and Masha" i chorused.

Mr Wole pressed the calculator for what lasted like ages.

"my money is 2,800 naira sir" i almost yelled, but i dare not.

"oga the money wey una dey give us too small oh" i almost complained, but again, i dare not say that to the dreaded Mr Wole.

We were being paid 100 naira per parcel delivered. When parcel is mentioned, i don't mean a "coco" parcel, as i could remember a rather lunatic man accusing me of delivering C'ocaine to people's houses. On that fateful, or rather unfateful day, i knocked on a gate and this sk'unk smelling mouth guy came from nowhere and, his words: "them swear for your Papa, why you dey disturb my peace".

"you be like person wey get peace?? No be only Peace, na Patience" I replied almost immediately.

"ehnnnnnnn! na me you dey talk to, them swear for you!" I wondered why people from the Yoruba tribe loved using the word "swear"

"no!! them no swear for me, na your Papa them swear for" I was rather hash.

"ehnnnnn!!! you get mouth curse my papa abi? u don die today" He suddenly started rehearsing a punch that befitted me.

I took of my work bag and started drifting towards him. But the moment i saw him pulling out something from his pocket, i saw myself taking one step forward and two steps backwards.

"wetin you dey comot for your pocket? na knife?" I saw myself increasing the steps backwards to three.

"if them born your papa well come near me, i go chuk you" He threatened as he brought out the dagger in his pocket.

"i go chuk you Chukudi" I wondered how he knew my name was Chukwudi, My Grandmum must have told him that, she love calling me that.

"i go chuk you Omo Ibo" He came closer.

Before i could say "Boko haram", He had sliced my wrist, yes! he had sliced my wrist like Boko haram do.

"see blood oh" I cried.

As blood gushed out of my wrist, so was urine gushing out of my P'.enis, and sweat out of my whole body. He was advancing towards me, and at that juncture my hands failed me to a punch, likewise my legs to a kick.

"na you dey sell illegal coco abi" He was now at close range.

"i no dey sell Coconut oh" I thought he said Coconut.

"you don buy market today" The dagger was close to my throat.

Closer and closer it came to my throat, and backwards and backwards i moved and cried, "i no go market oh". it was like i was under a spell, or like my brain left me and flew away.

I remembered i was a martial artist, and strength came from nowhere. I sent a jab to his jaw and he staggered backwards.

"first attack!!" i cheered myself.

Then.................................





Like bee to nectar i saw Four hefty guys advancing. "u don die today!" one of them thundered. More strength came from the cardinal points of where i stood and i started swaying from left to right with my guard on like i was the son of Mike Tyson. i jabbed the guy with the dagger again, this time to his abdomen, the dagger flew off his hands and i almost shouted "Halleluiah".


Before i could say "Damaturu", something landed on my head from the west. It was a plank, i was sure.

Before i could say "Taraba", something landed on my heed from the east. It was an iron r'od, i was sure.

Before i could say "Poshiskum" something landed on my head from the South. It was a Plank again. i wished the next wouldn't be an iron r'od to the North to complete the circle.

Dear Readers,
How una dey? it's me again, the writer of the block busters: "Barrack boy', "Ibo boy wey like Yoruba", and "Man wey dey reason". Am here with yet another block buster titled "Flow and Snow. I pledge to do my best in updating as often as posibble. i welcome both constructive and destructive criticism (ishilove i miss you). i will do my best like i said, with an aim of making this story the best story in Literature section this year 2015. So help me God.
Yours Ever Fowing,
Flow1759.
PS: Any name of persons or places mentioned in this story is not a fiction of the writer's imagination, it is real. So bear with me as i will do my best to make a little alteration in names of persons and places for reasons best known to me. So help me God.

Yes!!!!!!! Am back!!!!!!!! don't ask me where i have been, i have been around the world.


Happy new year all.


This is another story from the award winning flow1759 (for my mind)


It's still pidgin English and English language combination, and yes it is still the usually funny me. And of course it's true life to the bone (say 75% true)

Very very fun packed, i promise............... or so i thought.


Still i Flow

Timzy234: Eeehhh...baba flowey abeg I wan beg you for something

Beg? OK oh.

VivyGift: Toykathy..., thanks for opening this thread. I want to appreciate them too. They are all wonderful.

#Wesslier, ishilove, flow1759, chistar01, mynd44, lucent beauty

Big ups to you too. God bless